I was making so much progress, Sunday night I got so many comments about how much I had changed/improved physically and then I proceeded to eat like total crap since then. Sigh. Back to basics.

The final countdown to Christmas has arrived, I did a cardio workout this morning on our elliptical trainer and I have busted my ass for days now getting the house as pefectly clean as I can. I am exhausted. My weight is acting crazy so I am ignoring it for the moment, my plan is to minimize the non nutritious eating and drinking and to keep up with my workouts. I'm too tired to post a well thought out informative entry but have recently read a fascinating book on weight lifting and am excited to see what happens. Blargh-tiiiiired.

No workout yesterday, I am drowning in my own fatigue over here. Also, even though still eating low calorie I went back up half a pound-I realize that's not the end of the world, but if the scale is not going down the least it can do is stay the same. I know what I need to do, mainly exercise, I just have to dig deep and find the energy. I wish I had that burst back that I had last week, I had to force myself to just straighten up around the house last night and that made me feel so tired and I went to bed early even though I got up late. Weird.

The level of ass kicking equates directly to how often I update. Logging in today and noticing that I did not update the last two days makes me stop and wonder, "Did I not update because the scale has stayed the same for the last three days and I have done no intentional exercise?" or, "Did my lack of updating affect the amount of effort?"
A chicken/egg situation if you will-do I lose my mojo and then stop writing, or do I stop writing and then lose my mojo?
I'm doing my best to just get through today, either yoga or elliptical tonight, food will be on track though I am wanting to eat all day. I've been sitting on the edge of "new territory" scale wise for three days now and it's just not going over...gotta make that extra push.

My back has received the short end of the stick lately. A fearsome ache started building momentum hours ago and has achieved full roar by now. I stuck to my guns yesterday regarding nutrition/fitness, even after going to one of my favorite restaurants and I did NOT feel deprived with my choice. I ordered the halibut fish tacos and had 3 small bites of two different desserts (thats three total, not three each.) I then started hankering for red wine, but decided against it because I tasted the dessert, one sugar should be sufficient. I have a vague plan that if I want dessert I won't eat bread or drink-interchange those key words in the sentence, rinse repeat. The familiar litany of, "I'll just take a rest day today, my body aches" started up this morning, but I still worked fairly hard in the front yard for a little over an hour instead. I then had my best friend over to make handmade ornaments for presents and still did not eat out of plan. The scale flashed up yesterday's weight again this morning, first stall since getting my act together this time, just like I thought it would (sidenote: I ate restaurant food and expected even a tiny gain though I was very reasonable in my choice, so a maintain did not disappoint.)
I can't wait to see what tomorrow holds, happiness has returned since those horrible classes ended.

The Fates seemed to be against me this morning-the Boy would not take a nap, my yoga dvd would not register in the player, and Christmas decoration boxes are stacked up at the end of my weight bench where I normally stand to do overhead shoulder presses with the barbell. However, I persevered-5 minute warm up on the elliptical trainer, then a full body workout as follows:1 set overhead shoulder press, seated instead of standing (to avoid the problem of perhaps twisting my knees trying to stand and straddle the bench), set of walking lunges on each side holding 18 lbs (maybe more, this is from memory), another set of presses, set of deadlifts holding dumbbells, inclined pushups off the side of the trailer, then flys done on the weight bench. Tedious typing this out? You betcha! Okay, then more walking lunges, same as before, then lots more pushups but off the weight bench this time so much harder (much closer to being horizontal), tricep push over my head, then finished up with calf raises.
THEN. I came inside and did some stretching on my mat: down dog, plank, reclined relaxation, some spinal twists, and some hamstring/glute stretches. Oh and some pilates ab work.
Wow this is probably the most poorly constructed entry ever, but I don't care at the moment-my arms are hurting holding my arms up to TYPE because I was such a badass this morning. I forgot about the backbreaking yard work last night and this morning too, only 20 minutes total, but still a good extra effort.
I have dropped 4 lbs since Monday so something must be going right. Like I said, now I'm at 145.5 so it should be intersting what happens next since the "fake" lbs are gone.
Going to an Egyptian exhibit today at the Kimball and then hopefully finishing up all my gift wrapping tonight.

Exhausted today, back aching and eyes heavy-I should be engaging in my yoga practice right this minute as the baby sleeps and yet I feel too hungry to do so. Have I gotten off my ass and actually made something to eat? No. Last night marked the last final of this semester and so I am actually free today, but I know it will take awhile for it to sink in and the stress to melt away a bit. I had to ask my husband to roll blue star emu crap on my back last night it hurt so much, and then on the way to the grocery this morning it hurt badly in the car. The thing that passes as interesting here, is this is all from studying, and I know that yoga would HELP, but that may have to wait until later. I am not falling off the horse, just trying to get sorted.
Sparkpeople rocks! Or at least so far it looks amazing, yet I feel too mentally fatigued to play with it much at this point. I am excited at the prospect of maybe finding some people to bike/walk with in the DFW area, I have a great bicycle that I have hardly used because it is really not safe to go alone around here, though I have done so a few times (nervous the whole time that something would happen). Maybe I just need a pistol holster mounted somewhere, ha! Then I would fall down and shoot myself and no one would find my deserted body before the rabid squirrels got to me.
Back to 146 this morning, started the week at 149.5, so obviously this consists of water weight, or maybe these same pounds that keep ponging around come off easier? When it gets to 145-145.5 I know it will stick for awhile, maybe go down a pound, and then that happens to be the number that I self sabatage ever single time. I've lost nearly 30 lbs AGAIN, and yet this last 10-15 keeps digging in for the long haul. So annoying.
Reading about compulsive eating and trigger foods has really hit home for me, and I am no longer going to put myself in positions that are setup for failure. I don't know I throw myself in with things I KNOW I have a hard time limiting/experiencing wisely and then berating myself for this "weakness". What the hell? Do I like feeling badly? That's rhetorical but I'll answer anyway, "No!" I hate to restrict anyone around me but I told Hubby he may just have to eat pizza with other people and he didn't batt an eye and just said, "Okay." Boy, that was sooo hard, right? Ugh. Okay, pizza, specialty breads, casserole type dishes, chili, chips, goldfish, cookies (esp. cookies), and alcohol to name a few-just get.to.me. Enough is enough, maybe that will be fine for once a week during maintainence, but I am not where I want to be and behaving as though I am only gets me stuck here longer. Healthy habits, healthy lifestyle, and giving myself a break by not constantly going on this crazy for me only show of "Temptation Food Island."

Every muscle in my body aches, or at least it seems that way to me this morning. Rodney Yee's Total Body Power Yoga should definitely be considered a strength building program in addition to flexibility training. Walking the halls of my college Tuesday night at a rather quick pace found me somewhat short of breath and in turn, scared. No reason exists for someone of my age and previous (short time ago) fitness level, to be regressing so far to the land of huff n' puff.
One last final exam tonight and then I'm free, to do what I want, any old tiiiiiime. Well if you are not counting the constant time constraints and responsibilities of being Moe-ma.
The scale inches downward again, I've done three intentional workouts this week and am feeling in control once more. Here's to breaking that "low" and blasting through to the other side.

Just a quickie: Eating is still somewhat off track but I worked out again a bit ago after a much too long break and I am feeling sort of high. Finals this week, then I am kicking some major ass, mine to be specific.
I have a sick baby to attend to, but there is so much to say. Be back soon hopefully.

I haven't stopped wanting to write or gone off the deep end either, I am just insanely busy with school work. I'll probably get a chance to update this weekend...I'm still reading and silently (for now) supporting.

After losing down to my all time low again, I have promptyl gone back up to a whole nother set of numbers and must start over. PHOOEY. No worries, I was sick when I lost to the low but I believe it was not a dehydration state, but merely because food didn't sound that good to me and I ate tons of soup, drank no milk, and basically south beached it in a good calorie range. All I need to do now is halt the free for all and eat all south beachy again and ta da! Or at least this is my hope, I may get more than I bargained for since our son has thrown up today, had disgusting diapers, and my husband and I are both feeling nauseated. I feel extremely tired too, and from what I can tell my little crew feels the same way.
Thanksgiving went well though I ate too much, the food wasn't even all that spectacular, but I ate too much anyway. I can thank red wine for that I'm sure.
So, crappy post-but I wanted to check in.

My back decided to cooperate and heal fairly quickly, but I have been MIA because I am sick as a dog. I am not sure why dog sickness is a measuring stick for severity, but by God, dogs get sick. I am no so ill indeed that I had to scrap my plans of working in Tulsa this weekend and flying home Sunday, and instead am sitting here alone, sick, and slightly crazed with cold meds. I was finally ready to quit mincing about, ready to start taking care of my health right and proper...but that seems to be the way it goes. I'm constantly in a phase associted with kicking of ass and taking of names, or in a phase that would promote fear of salt being sprinkled from above (slug like, get it?). Sigh.
Did I mention cold meds? Yeah.

My back, it is tweaked, and this, it makes me angry-a bit.

Weight going back down slowly despite all of the interferences, don't know what today will hold since it hurts to walk around, and that is not usually helpful when trying to exercise.

What a long day...still dealing with various aspects of my grandmother's diagnosis. We have yet to get any hard cold facts-they are not in any hurry to get a biopsy scheduled, which leads us to think they know it's late stages, but even so would you not want to make her as comfortable as possible for as long as she has left? She is in pain and I am helpless, we're all helpless.
I woke up this morning with renewed purpose and determination to stop screwing around with my health, and yet I still did not eat as cleanly as I would have liked and did no exercise. Sigh. Maybe tomorrow? Each day seems to be derailed by one thing and then I think, "Well I might as well eat this, drink that, have a smoke-I'll restart tomorrow." BAH. That is not a winning attitude, that is the type of thinking that lands me gaining weight and/or maintaining.
I will forge ahead, I have to take control of something.

Bad Mood Blues.

I drank a monster drink and ate a small handful of white corn chips after writing my post about eating so cleanly, go me, etc.
Ah well. PMS , she is a bitch.
Also fighting myself about a workout today, where's the easy button?

Victories so far on Common Sense Plan:

• I resisted the urge to weigh myself even though it has only been two days. Weighing constantly and shooting up and down in mood because of it is NOT common sense. It is crazy, and afflicts many people including myself. We all know it is bad to feel negatively towards yourself because of a number changing by half a pound, etc. but I think it is detrimental to feel GOOD because of the same thing too. I'm trying to focus more on feeling good that I ate only nutritious foods, or I exercised and blessed my heart and lungs. It is very hard to think this way personally, that angle has always been part of this whole weight loss/fitness thing, but I'm an honest person and vanity has taken precendence. Vanity and pride, not really good things to make friends with on a daily basis for years. Pride comes into play because I always try to be the best at any thing I do, even though I sort of hate that quality sometimes, and I especially wanted to prove I could lose the weight after having our son.
• I HAVE eaten only nutritious whole foods, no diet drinks or goldfish crackers, Halloween candy, or tortilla chips. I am very proud of this because I had definitely slipped up as far as that is concerned. I think I had landed in crappy food land due to focusing so much on points/calories and dropping scale weight. It is not impossible to do that and stay true to what is actually good for your body, but it is hard for me.
• I have gotten in two really good workouts so far and am feeling like I can get back in a groove. Treading lightly is the name of the game at this point so I don't stress out and drop it altogether again. Any movement is good for me, and I am striving to really believe that-it is working I think. Yesterday was an hr of power yoga (I am so SORE today) and today was 20 min of elliptical training at a speed that kept my heart rate at target or a bit over the whole time. 4.5 miles.

• Some of my friends have secretly planned a girlie night this Friday, partially to cheer me up about my grandma's health situation. I requested that we make something healthy for me to eat and also piped up and stated my no alcohol/smoking policy. I always feel like a huge tool when I say anything to my friends/family in that area, but it needed to be said and I'm glad that I did. Why should I feel apologetic and lousy that I am trying to be the best me possibly?

So anyway, good things are happening, I am super tired as usual and think I may go have a lie down for a bit before my little buddy wakes up and needs some Mama time before I leave for school. Here's hoping for a tiny nap.

I've hit upon a "plan" of sorts that I am ready for, I would even say craving, after the last few weeks of sloth and unhealthy eating. Weighed in this morning and am up to 148.5, I was hanging around 145.5 so as I said, no big damage done there but my MENTAL state is damanged and crying out for help.
I'm going whole hog, cutting out alcohol, smoking, desserts, extraneous carbs like chips and goldfish crackers, green tea with artificial sweeteners, frozen dinners, CRAP FOOD, etc. etc. forever and ever Amen. Okay maybe just until Christmas, but the point is no empty nutrition, watching portion sizes, and I am excited. Leniancy and "relaxation" has morphed into acting like I have forgotten all I've learned about eating not only for weight loss, but for life.

My grandmother has cancer and it has scared me in the biggest baddest way possible. I am living for a lifetime again, not just the moment.

I plan on easing back into exercise by going back to yoga. I felt the best when I was just doing that three times a week and once you find what works for you, it makes no sense to stop. That's the plan-go back to what makes sense.

We found out my most beloved relative, my grandmother, has late stages breast cancer that has more than likely mestasized into her bones. Eating is rubbish, no exercise for weeks. I feel that I'm on the verge of coming to my senses, but for now I'm walking around in a fog and my brain feels dusty. I can't be bothered with doing anything good for myself, though I make progress each day in returning to my former habits, habits that I have held for YEARS now that seem to have disappeared overnight. So far I haven't gained more than 3-5 lbs, depending on what day it is, so I remain physically unscathed, but mentally wounded. Boo.

Well my own comments window is not expanding in order for me to reply to comments, so I'll have to write here instead. Potatoes, po-tat-oes, right?
Savy, I appreciate the comment, it helps immensely when someone takes the time to stop and say a word or two, especially when I admire that person's dedication and perseverance. I think you know very well what it feels like to put a lot of effort in towards something and to feel frustrated with bouncing around in the same little range of numbers. I am going to continue on and just try and do better, I don't think I can really ask anything else of myself. Eating well and getting regular exercise have become who I am over the last few years, so quitting isn't an option, I just need to come up with a game plan to drop these last ten pounds.
What I don't have is a good consistent exercise routine. The only time I've done something consistently was when I was doing power yoga for a little over an hr three times a week. I would walk occasionally but I put no other pressure on myself other than to complete those workouts, which were not easy, but also provided me with a stress relief that I haven't experienced otherwise. I'm not sure what to do at this point, even though during my extreme yoga stint I maintained and even developed plenty of nice visible muscle, I could not shake the feeling that not doing interval cardio and lifting free weights was not okay. Now we have nice equipment out in the garage for the first time ever and I would feel weird not using it. I think I have to work out some type of hybrid...hmm.
Anyway, current plan is to mainly focus on getting an exercise routine down and not to hyper focus on nutrition at this point, though not to let it slide much either. Night school is sapping my will to live, but there's only 6 wks left. I can do this.
I wanted to write a more cohesive, in depth post than this scattered hodge podge but our 15 month old is not allowing that this morning.

Where to start? I'm a mess.
I had full intention of behaving myself while in Tulsa, which is extremely hard for me to do because my lovely MIL (that is not sarcasm) always has delicious food and wine. If we are not eating the delicious food she provides at their house, we are going out to eat at great restaurants. Cry me a river I know, but this does not bode well for weight loss efforts. She mentioned in an email that we would have spaghetti for dinner Friday night with some of the family and I asked if it could be made with lean beef and she said yes that is all she uses. So far so good right? Well, I made the salad and it was awesome but of course I forgot to ask about dressing and there was this greek vinagrette stuff that was very tasty but of course full fat. Strike one. Then I have spaghetti and a very reasonable portion, go me right? Wrong-three big pieces of melted cheese/garlicy butter bread and 2 or 3 cookies later, I felt sick I had eaten so much and THEN I had three glasses of wine. Okay regroup and do a better job tomorrow I thought. Got up, had F1ber one cereal and coffee, then went for a fast paced 45 minute walk through their hilly neighborhood. Score! Fixed brunch which was turkey bacon, toast, and eggs. I skipped the eggs she made with milk and TONS of butter, full fat cheese, and ham and made myself an egg white/toast sandwich which was also a good choice, and then proceeded to eat maybe 6 or 7 pieces of the turkey bacon. WTF? I already knew dinner would not be a good choice and really there was nothing to do about it since we were going to a tailgate held by family members before homecoming game. There I had a shot of jaeger, two beers, and two bowls of frito chili pie with huge amounts of cheese. So much for that day. Sunday: no breakfast and then a huge burrito thing with fried potatoes for brunch, and then I ordered "greek pasta" at the pizza place on the way home, trying to do something good, and it comes out so covered up in olive oil that it looks like soup. I barely eat any of it and then one piece of small sausage pizza and feel gross the rest of the night. I'm not really trying to give a blow by blow of my food intake but I'm just saying it has been like that for me for awhile. Up, down, up down, and then Monday night I ate so much I literally started throwing up a little. That is some scary stuff, stuffing yourself to that point. I sat there feeling miserable knowing that my husband was about to come home with the chai tea (nonfat! who am I kidding) and big ass chocolate chip cookie from St@rbucks. Yes I ate that too.
Two workouts this week with a little extra cardio on my weights day to try and make some ground up-I'm at limbo yet again and am wondering if I should just try and maintain since that's what I'm doing anyway. I'm three sizes smaller than when I started last year and that may just have to be good enough until I get that burst of motivation that I always do...eventually.
It seems a lot of bloggers are faltering or feeling frustrated and I miss everyone's posts so I thought maybe I should put a post out there and hopefully get some to read in return, ha! Blogging kharma or something, yeah.

Obviously, no matter what I tell myself I DO buy into what the scale says. Even though I managed to make myself workout Saturday, I think going up everyday despite the work I was putting in really did a number on me. While watching the Biggest L0ser last night, the women on the red team kept saying they were afraid they would get on the giant scale and have gained...I think it's a common fear for people trying to lose weight that no matter how hard you try it's going to back fire on you or it's not enough. Saturday night: I had decided to stay within a certain calorie range so like a brilliant dumbass (you like that?) I mixed a martini without eating dinner first, and it just went downhill from there. I vaguely remember making a peanut butter/jelly sandwich before going to pass out and not even saying goodbye to our guests. I felt like the biggest tool in the shop when I woke up Sunday.
There are many more ramifications beyond that night's calories as well. I got up and felt destroyed even though I didn't drink THAT much, and so Hubby insisted on going to eat brunch because he wanted something greasy and I went along even though I did actually to my credit tell him no several times. So I went along and I did alright on my choice, but then I came home and slept for 6 hrs. There went the entire day, not only no workout but no general movements either if you are lying in the bed like a coma patient. After sleeping all day I took a sleeping pill that night to try and sleep some more and get back in the swing of things but of course I never even went all the way to sleep-just went in and out of it-and so I've felt crap ever since. This entire week has been awful, all because of my calorie counting-drinking ways on Saturday. I didn't even get a workout in until yesterday and then the rest of the day I felt like I'd been run over. These classes and the demanind sleep (or lack thereof) schedule I'm on have combined to kick my ass.
Oddly enough I've eaten decently the last two days and the weird pounds that came on last week are gone and I'm back to 145 even. Now if I can remove another lb. I'll be back to my low and back on the way to new territory. I don't know when that will happen on the scale but as long as I don't gain weirdly and I get smaller, I can stay at this weight for all I care. (Ok the 130s would be awesome since I don't remember ever weighing that small.)

This really struck me:


“You don't have to overeat in this culture to gain weight,” says Dr. Lewis Pincus, medical director of the Methodist Health System Weight Management Institute, ToLife!, in Dallas. “All you have to do is show up and not have a plan, which is basically how it is for most Americans.”

More later on my lack of planning and state of mind.

I woke up and thought I would workout. I weighed myself and saw now a 3.5 lb gain, all from this week, despite eating on track and working out everyday, and I was angry and did not want to workout. I fed the baby and didn't want to workout. I ate breakfast and drank coffee and didn't want to workout. I watched teevee and surfed the net and DECIDED to not workout. Our new LCD teevee arrived and I definitely didn't want to workout, I wanted to see my Hubby happy and excited. I decided to measure my waist and saw another half inch gone and decided to work out. My brain is weird.
Workout stats are improving, yesterday 3 miles in 20 minutes and today? Today 4.3 miles. Woot!

Two kickass workouts, back to back. I am proud of myself, something I don't say or think often enough. I tried to type an email earlier and kept writing self deprecating things and backspacing. I never realized fully that I do that as much as I do. So anyway, upper body weights and then 20 min on the happy fun device (elliptical) that has left me dizzy but in a good way. Level 2 makes my heart rate hit the 180s, which is my max and not necessarily where I need to be working out at, so I alternated btw 1 and 2 to stay around 160-165. I better hit the shower before John Reid starts requesting my company. Happy.

Up another half a pound, to 146, and in case math is not you thing, TWO POUNDS up from the low I was so happy I finally achieved. It wasn't just the scale number either, I felt thinner and I felt like I could wear any thing I wanted, was a smaller size, etc. It's all in my head though, the new clothes I got on the weekend still fit well-I'm such a nutcase I tried them on, convinced that they would be a bit too tight now or something. I keep thinking I'm not really that size, it's a fluke, they must be cut big, vanity sizing, etc. Why can't I just accept I really am smaller? When I look in the mirror I don't actually SEE myself I think, even though I look all the time, inspecting, patting, pinching. It's weird. On a positive, non-crazy note, I no longer dislike my body or its parts, and I'd say that's a huge step forward. My legs are actually looking pretty good and they used to be the target of my negative self thinking, or at least the biggest (no pun intended) focus. My legs were weirdly disproportionate to my body, and I had the whole cankle thing going on-now I can see my quad muscles coming out, I noticed a bump close to my knee and realized it's actually muscle! Anyway, crazy thinking on the way out, positive thinking on the way in-yay!
The point about the numbers is, whatever reason I'm up that much has nothing to do with fat and I know it. I'm struggling big time again with this sickness (real not mental) and my throat is killing me, ears hurting, glands swollen. I'm still going to attempt to work out today, I think it won't hurt and if I feel too badly I'll wait yet another day though I don't want to.

Cardio did not happen. In fact, getting up early did not happen-last night when I laid on the bed it was as if I couldn't move, my husband literally rolled me around to put the covers on. The wall was hit and it continued on this morning. Sleep took priority this morning and that is fine, I'll just make up the workout tomorrow on top of upper body weights or workout on free day. Despite my heaping servings of chock full of sodium spaghetti last night, I'm only up half a pound. Of course that makes me a pound and a half up from last week which sucks, I tried to hold it together while we were away. Ahh well, onward right?

PMS has hit with a vengeance. I only had a small bit to allot for dinner out of my day's calories and I promptly ate two large bowls of spaghetti with turkey italian sausage in it and lots of parmesan cheese. The first bowl was a bit too much and I went back for more. Heartburn ensued and so I started thinking chai tea made with skim milk. After discovering the box to be empty I tore into a tin of gingerbread cocoa, found that it was so damn old I couldn't even budge a spoonful. It might have been 6 yrs old, come to think of it-IN TO THE TRASH. End result: honey vanilla chamomille tea made with skim milk and splenda. Delish.
I had a great workout this morning, legs shook at random all day and I'm feeling the ache right now. Cardio tomorrow. I'm not sure why I go crazy every time I get evidence that I've really made progress. Frustration.

Three morning workouts in a row. This is not my beautiful house, how did I get here? No really, it's been fine-I get up around when Hubby and our little guy get up and straight into my workout clothes. I think that's part of the key here, also-knowing I only have to walk out into the garage to workout instead of getting in my car and driving 15 minutes to the gym.
Today was a lower body lifting session, and I can see already I'm going to have to become more organized in order for this to not be a huge pain in the ass. The bench I bought has a leg extension/hamstring attachment that you put a stack on and I was excited about that. Not so much the extensions as I try and protect my knees now, but the hamstring curl in particular. Well the way it is set up, you can't fully curl because there is a preacher curl arm stand in the way. It looks as if I can take that off at whim, but since Hubby put it together I'm not exactly sure how. I checked the instructions on assembly and that is probably the worst instruction manual evah. The bar collar things still completely suck, I know they need to be able to keep the weights on there but damn are they hard to open and get down the bar. I'm learning.
I'm thinking I also need to get a little notebook and record my sets so I know where I'm at without taxing my superb memory. Riiiiight.
I tried again to do a 5 minute warm up on the elliptical and AGAIN it completely kicked my ass on anything other than level 1. What the hell? It's as hard as it was back when I smoked and first started working out-several years ago. I guess it's got a lot to do with the stride and the fact that I've been sick for weeks now and still dealing with allergy crap.
John Reid is sick, poor little thing. Listening to him breathe is breaking my heart, and I wish he could blow his own nose so I didn't have to wrangle him down and use the suction bulb. It's like cat herding, surely that burns calories?

Fear started eating me up, fear that even though the new exercise equipment was out in the garage I would not use it, I'd make excuses and still half ass it along, and it would be a waste. We got it Wednesday night and had zero time to put it together before leaving for OKC Saturday morning bright and early. It's a little over a 3 hr drive to get there and so after driving up Saturday morning and back home Sunday afternoon, not to mention getting very little rest though we had a great time, I was practically delirious coming home. It didn't matter, I marched my butt outside and started sweeping the garage floor, cut the box open, and started trying to pull stuff out to assemble the elliptical myself. Hubby came outside and grumped about wanting to relax and to put it together with me instead of me alone doing it, and I told him to go back inside if he wanted to rest but I was not stopping. We got it together that night (Sunday) and yet I still did not use it. Yesterday morning's workout was powered by sheer will, I got out there and did an upper body workout and enjoyed the new bench and weights, though it was still like slogging through quicksand. Lots of sitting and staring into space, and the collars for the bars hurt my hands to open them which was highly frustrating. I didn't give up though and this morning my upper body is sore. I got up early, got dressed immediately to workout, and sat around for a long time yesterday, but I did it. This morning I put the same clothes back on because I didn't even sweat in them (I said I sat around a lot) and went out there, watched the View, and did 20 minutes on the elliptical. I had to stop multiple times, on LEVEL ONE (ACK) and my chest burned the whole time. I guess it is more accurate to say I did about 17 minutes, I finally decided I had done my best and felt like I was going to die. I think it's the allergies that have been haunting me, the HR monitor said 85-94 bpm, but the counters on the screen were all crazy so I have to read the book to figure it out. It said only 40 calories for the whole time and the ones at the gym say around 170 or more.
I've been at a point where cooking sounds like torture, and I'm sick of it. Considering I cook every single day for myself and my family this has been hard, this feeling. Hubby grilled a ton of different lean meats weekend before last and I made some squash with sauteed onions, and I ate that all week. It was awesome. I also had him buy some lean cuis1nes, even though I usually eschew frozen dinners and it is so nice to just pop it in the micro. I just ate salmon with a lemon dill sauce, pasta, and veggies, fuji apple for dessert. I recommend that particular dinner, it was delicious and 4.5 pts of 240 cals, whatever your mode is.
Alright, I have more to say, about shopping this last weekend in particular, and my disconnect between my actual size and what I think about myself, but Microbiology and Chem II await.

I mentioned spurning the scale again, and of course that has not happened as of yet. This is due to not being able to start working out heavily yet, and so I stepped on this morning because I felt thinner, and yes I am now down to 144, lowest weight ever recorded in the history of man. My BMI is healthy and has been for a little while, and yet my bodyfat percentage is still way higher than I would like. I think it's because I seem to have a lot more belly fat this go 'round after having our baby. My waist would always get smaller before when I would try and workout and eat properly and this time, not so much. It's funny how hormones can change our body compositions so much. It was always my thighs before, and now its my stomach (okay and still my lower body, but less so.)
So yeah, I go off the chain completely and BAM four days back on program and I'm at a new number. One day after my official weigh in, I'm down a pound and a half from last month's number, which just goes to show you how ridiculous the number thing is, and even though I don't want to think about it, that could very well be partially muscle mass. Argh. Today I am not thinking that way though, no-today I am being positive about what I have and forging ahead in all areas of my life. Damn right.

I did it. I loaded up the Boobah, went to Sports Author1ty, and bought free weights, and adjustable bench, and a gym quality elliptical machine!!!
Holy shit.

So I had coffee this morning. After mentally struggling yesterday and drinking herbal tea instead and feeling like crap all day and even skipping class for the first and last time, I went to bed at 8:30 again and slept much too much and I got up, walked in here, and headed straight for the Nesc@fe and kettle. I hate the idea that I am attached to something and that despite my best efforts it gives me headaches if I miss one day, and yet I am thinking trying to go off it during school time that I need to be up and alert until way past my preferred bedtime is probably one of the dumbest things I've attempted.
On the topic of weightloss: I mentioned a while back that I was switching to fitness instead of weight loss as a focus, and I trundled along and made no comprehensive explanation of that, and in fact went somewhere far away brain wise. I'm coming back because I've finally effectively beat my brain about, lost my confidence, been sick, and now I'm starting again.
Official month later weigh in: 146. Last weigh in: 145.5
In case clarification is needed, that is not muscle but rather flabby flab flab. I've avoided mentioning numbers because I don't want to be looked upon as someone that needs to shut the hell up, the thin girl that complains about her ass, etc. I have never been hugely obese but I have been the biggest girl through years of school, picked on etc. (I don't think that ever leaves you totally) and then somewhere around the age of 18 or 19 I started packing it on, the exact number is vague and unknown because I was a big avoider and had never tried to do anything about my weight before. When I was 17 I remember going to the gyno for an exam an weighing in at 151 and being fine with that, and my mother thinking that was way too high. I thought she needed to get a grip. I am roughly 5'7" so while 151 is not "ideal" (put in quotes for a reason) it's definitely just fine. She would be horrified if I told her that memory as she would never dream of acting like that now, I'm not sure why she thought it was acceptable then.
Anyway...I digress. I must have been somewhere in the 180s, possibly a bit higher before my first stab at losing weight. I knew absolutely nothing, and when I asked my sometimes critical mother how she stayed so slim? Her answer: I drink a lot of water. THANKS, that was so helpful. The store she worked at sold stuff called Melt !t, which was basically the same as the other more famous stuff that I can't think of the name now-you ate nothing three hrs before taking it and you took it going to bed. Tasted awful, but I lost 5 lbs taking it and changing nothing else. In my mind I changed nothing but reality is I wasn't eating cheese fries at 2am every night anymore. Becoming a tech really put my eating/sleeping habits in the crapper, along with being poor and sometimes eating nothing else besides various Ramen noodle concoctions. Come to think of it I lost a little bit before and then lost the five with that but I couldn't tell you how I did it.
I joined gyms off and on from '99 onward but never went regularly enough. It all seemed too hard-I always got put on the stair climber thing, and not even the one with the revolving stairs but the really cardio intense thing with the two pedals you step back and forth upon-I still hate that machine. My cardio endurance has always been crap, as a child I was always the chubby red faced kid at the end of the class that would come straggling in during the fitness challenge bullshit. The shitty gym teacher wouldn't even wait on me, they'd all be back inside when I would come up feeling like puking and miserable beyond words with embarrassment. Wow, I still hate her, thanks for giving me such a crap idea of what exercise had to be like.
I'm a chatty kathy today eh? This is getting way too long, there's so much more to say...okay so I got rid of the last horribly bad for me boy, then started hitting the gym regularly around the same time but maybe a bit before, that I met me current hubby. I would do 3 full body workouts with circuit weight machines and 5 days of cardio, jumping from machine to machine doing ten minutes on each. So 30 min on weight training days and 45 min on days with no weights. I changed that to coming home and wogging intervals with our dog on the 45 minute days. This was not always perfect or consistent but I made real progress and I think back to that now and it makes me tired. I went from who knows what size down to a slim and trim 10 and yet because the scale never changed past 160, I thought it wasn't working. HOW FRICK FRACKING STUPID. Grr, makes me mad, and it makes me mad that I still pander to this way of thinking. Long winded story short, I'm about to go back to that way of life, more lax on food and kicking ass on exercise. I can cut before shorts/swimsuit weather hits again and hopefully help my poor metabolism and muscle mass out a bit. I'm afraid to start that until I have daily access to workout equip. though and with our one yr old that has been so hard. So, fitness, shape, clothes fitting, and no more obsession with the scale. I didn't even own a damn scale and no matter how tempting that is I'm not sure if I could get rid of this one now. Hmm. It's a thought.

Day 3 with no coffee:
Sunday was the AIDS walk and with rushing around and trying to get there on time, I skipped my morning cup-when it's so hot outside that's not hard for me to do. So I suffered with an incredibly crappy headache which I chalked up to dehydration but later realized was caffeine related. Monday I thought, well I've already dealt with the headache, I might as well see this out...BUT DAMN I WANT SOME COFFEE!!!
I snuck back on the scale this morning instead of waiting for my official day tomorrow, and I am up a pound from a month ago. Normally that would be muchos malos, but considering the amount of crap I've eaten, just in the last week or two alone, I am very happy with that. When I told my mom I ate donuts, kelaches, funnel cake, cheese enchiladas with a michilada to drink, she almost fell out of her chair, literally. That was in one day, oh and then cookie dough ice cream for dessert. Sheesh.
Back on track, kicking ass until we go to OKC to see the fam and Hubby's friends. Is it wrong that I want to look fabulous when we see all of these people? Most of them saw me either pregnant or not long post preggers. It's not the number one thing on my mind, but it would be nice.
Upper body workout today, tomorrow yoga or cardio or...BOTH.

My husband, son and I participated in our first 5k charity walk yesterday, a first for me and the kiddo at least. Hubby I believe has been in fun runs, etc. before but it had been years. Even though this wasn't really a race, and I only saw a few people jogging up front, it was one of the best feelings I have ever had to raise money for a cause, and then walk 3.6 miles in 95 degrees with a crazy heat index and humidity. Could I have done without the humidity/insane heat? Of course, I even got a bit sick from it, but it felt good to be part of a crowd of good hearted, determined people. This has inspired me to do more of the same, I need to look around and find something soonish. I feel like such an ass because I've had it in my head that I need to able to run before doing this type of event. Would it have felt absolutely amazing to run it? YES. However, me and running? not the best of friends, and I've been missing out on this concrete form of accomplishment, with built in reward of t-shirt and St@rbucks coupons.
I've been considering stopping. Stopping blogging, stopping my reading of other blogs, stopping even my efforts to be a better, healthier, and yes-HOTTER me. I just play at these thoughts though, I'm taking a bit of a relax at the moment but I know myself, and I know I'll be back on to this adventure and will be wanting a plan. When I go balls out again it will be BFL. Hubby says a good set of free weights, bench, maybe smith machine and an elliptical plus stair master are in our future, and with all that at my fingertips maybe I can finally stop fucking around, you know? Sooo, I'm back. Back to posting, reading, and striving to achieve greatness (or more of the same, since I am a badass and all.)

Next Wednesday is my monthly weigh in that I wanted to lose four lbs by, and I am hoping I just maintain. I'm sitting at a 1.5 lb gain at the moment, mainly due to my forced tummy ache the other night, which did nothing to make me feel better and was so bizarre I have purposefully not thought about it. I'm not sure why I think I need this punishment/redemption cycle, but I promise psyche, I really don't need it!
I'm feeling a good bit better today, not sure if I should workout today or rest one more day and not risk feeling badly again. Sigh.
I made a new friend that lives fairly close. She has PCOS and gained around 100 lbs in 3 months, and when she went to her doctor for help, he informed her she's "lazy". How infuriating! She has a ton of exercise equipment and wants to try and lose at least some of it with diet/exercise. I'm not sure if she can lose all of it with how out of whack her hormones are, but I know little about the condition. She was also able to conceive and have her daughter against all odds, so maybe she can do this too. I like her a lot, at the risk of sounding like we're in elementary school.
Hubby has also decreed that he would prefer to buy an elliptical, free weights and bench, and maybe a smith machine. WTF?????!!!!!!!! I'm not complaining, just out of left field from the man that hates the gym and refuses to eat veggies. The only way he could shock me more is by taking a jaunt down to the Farmer's Market to buy himself a snack.
Exciting things are a foot, must just keep on keeping on-my most favorite reads in the bloggie world all have that in common, they just keep going and they inspire me so much. Thanks to all of you, even though you have no idea I'm writing this.

Holding Pattern. I'm in limbo and I can only hope I come out of it soon. School is draining the life out of me and I'm dealing with some weird suck ass cold/allergies thing that has me completely devoid of energy. Last night I ate so much I made myself sick and I did it on purpose, as if it would make me feel better some how. Sick. Le sigh.

Last night was one of the most stressful I think I have ever had, combined with waking up at 5 to hear our little one waking up and crying, and I finally hit bottom and am determined to get organized and stop acting so crazy. I make life so much harder on myself, and what sort of really burns my ass is I've been with Flylady for several years now and I am JUST NOW getting everything even though I have yet to implement the routines that will save me from myself. Today I got up, got dressed to workout and put my shoes on, tied my hair back, and got a load of wash going first thing. I have read through five chapters of microbiology notes and feel much better about the test tonight though I need to make another run.
The net has been sucking all my time away, it is for me what teevee is for others, a complete black hole of time. So in conclusion I won't be around much , posting or reading, as long as class is in, but I'll try and check in when I can.
I've done part of my lower body workout today, lunges, deadlifts, and calf raises, followed by some plie squats holding my lovely helper that weighs around 25 lbs, not too heavy but a good added weight. He enjoyed it too which is another part of my great complex of guilt and being overwhelmed. I feel like he does not get my full attention enough even though I'm home with him, so I'm trying to incorporate everything together. Down to 145 this morning, so if I can just lose .5 I'll be down to virgin territory (as long as it sticks, I've seen it but it never stayed before now.)
Yes I started out in mid 170s-low 180s and am not down to 145. The thing I'm working on is bodyfat percentage as mine is still rather high. Must build muscle, concentrate on fitness. I'm on a fitness path now, more on that later.

This article explains so much about what I have discovered on my own about yoga, that even though it's nine pages long I felt it was very worth sharing. I am not a tiny yogi, nor am I a "woman of size" but the mental aspect of yoga has made a huge impact on my life and I wish for all my friends, online or not, to experience the same.

Note to self: Don't skip out on yoga today, get back to that calm, serene place.

No yoga yesterday, I just did not have an hr to devote out of the day, but we did take a family walk at a really fast pace with our lovely pup (can a really old dog be referred to as "pup"?) and our beautiful boy. We went around 1.3 miles, maybe a bit further, with three excellent hills comprimising the majority of our route. I then did a bit of yoga, mainly stretches though instead of strength moves, and went to bed fairly early. Eating was on par, down a pound overnight, but still not recovered completely back to my low weight two-three weeks ago. I hate it that I bounce around so much and waste so much time, but that is what I get for over indulging both weekends. I could be practically at goal if I would just stop it, damnit. This weekend is going to be a challenge too, boo hoo, poor me for having social activities. Friday night dinner and movie with Hubby as our Boy will be visiting Grammie C, then best friend's birthday bash at at local ***** hotel Saturday night. I'm determined to not screw everything up though, I just want to drop about 5 more lbs then maintain until warm weather again. I think lower than 5 will be hard to maintain and I'm not willing to act all crazy when it's sweater/jeans season anyway. We will see, my plan is to focus on exercise a lot more instead of micromanaging my calories so much, which I think will be a great way to maintain and enjoy myself a lot more. Hopefully I can build some decent muscle mass with an increase in cals too, I guess sort of a bulking phase. So cutting for a bit more, than bulking which I am majorly looking forward to. Today: full body free weights workout with dumbbells, walking if I have time but schoolwork will probably knock that out of being an option.

Just for the record: I've tried to leave comments on journals I read regularly and blogger is doing stupid crap with the whole beta thing and that is why it seems that I'm not reading/being unsupportive. I'll figure it out at some point.

So the doing well Saturday night thing? led me think I needed to go out to eat Sunday because if I do not feel like I really indulged, I will keep repeating the behavior until I get it right(wrong). It's twisted of me. Also, I have banned alcohol for awhile, maybe until Christmas when my MIL will force really great red wine on me. I still did not eat terribly badly yesterday, however I did eat this monsterous roll that was sort of glistening (prob with butter) and had melted baked cheese on top. It was so fluffy like a big puffball and I am a sucker for baked goods of that nature. Sweets? no. Fried stuff? no. Rolls and other forms of bread, esp. croissants? Hell yes. Fried foods and beer used to be my downfall but I've finally trained the food portion of that evil duo to be nastay on my palate. The beer had gotten out of hand again (not in amount but in frequency) so that shit is being nipped in the bud pronto. When I drink, even a little, I tend to feel like crap the whole next day as well and therefore not exercise.
Hardly any walking ended up happening and so while watching Amazing Race I convinced my lethargic brain to do my short pilates routine and then I did inversions and some hip flexor stretches. Our baby tried to do what I was doing, it was one of the cutest things I've ever seen. He would bend forward and put his head on the floor, just like mama, and he thought crawling quickly under me was way cool, like a bridge.

I feel I did well last night food wise, I ordered the tacos cameron, which was corn tortillas with chili lime shrimp sauce and avocado rice. It was very good and I think it was probably the best choice I could make there since it wasn't covered in cheese, made with flour tortillas, or hanging out with refried beans. I only had 2-3 chips with salsa and drank water. The best part is I didn't feel deprived or stick out like the weirdo in a group of 8 women. I should have left the nibbles alone at my friend's house afterward but I still only had a little bit and still drank water. The evil scale showed up a pound this morning but I feel that will be gone soon, and is probably related to salt intake.
No exercise so far today, we're under a flash flood warning and Hubby is wanting to go drool over plasma screens so I got showered and prettied up, instead of staying grungy to exercise. I do have my walking sandals on though and plan on getting some shopping miles in today. If I don't get that in then I'll take my bike out or hit the gym, more than likely the gym unless the weather clears out.
I found out one of my friends and her hubby and fam are getting into cycling too! How weird is that? She invited me to come with them and I am going to-color me excited. yay!

I took my bike out today and I really got a great workout. I've only ridden my bike a handful of times, there were always reasons why I didn't get back on again any time soon, and while one is valid (a bit more than scared of being in the park alone because it's very secluded), the rest have poofed into dust. I remember I just came in and laid on the floor the first time because my heart rate was so high and I felt like puking, face all red. My ass bones hurt so badly I thought I needed to buy padded shorts, which I never made time to do, and despite my good intentions I never made bicycling a regular activity. My hubby spent quite a bit of cash on a nice bike and helmet for me for Christmas because I went on and on about it and then I have hardly ridden the darn thing, made me feel guilty.
So, took it out today and rode 3-4 miles in about 20 minutes! That's great for me, the last time I did the whole loop I think it took 30-35 minutes and I was proud of that. There are quite a few hills, monster hills, and I can proudly say I only walked my bike once and even made it up the one that sucks to walk up because it's so steep. I feel accomplished and strong and proud I did it. Tonight is dinner with the girls and I'm trying to plan ahead by pre-reading the menu online and keeping my points low, which hasn't been a problem. Weight back down from the .5 of yesterday, I thought it would drop more-I hate it when my body acts all crazy like this. It doesn't matter, I'm sticking with it.

Up .5 a pound today, so I guess that would be 250 g for metric folks? I think metric measurements sound so much nicer, though the big 199 mark for non-metric folks doesn't scream at you when it's 90.5 kilos.
I did my hr of yoga Wed., 30 min stroller/dog hauling walk yesterday, and I plan on yoga again today. It's insane how all over sore I was yesterday after yoga, especially my back and hamstrings though. I've eaten on track since...hm, Wednesday. I get ahead of myself, I eat well for three days and expect miraculous effects. I pledge to stick to plan until next Wednesday, I'm not sure the last time I had a solid good week, and I need to do this one week at a time for now.
Tomorrow: morning bike ride hopefully, Sunday...family walk or maybe a gym visit, the point is it will be SOMEthing. No more fooling around, get these last kilos off and maintain.

I woke up hurting as badly as I did the day after the FIRST time I did yoga, it's amazing that I lost so much strength in three weeks. I've been sick so often and stressed that the last month or so has been super hard. You would think vacation would have helped, but even though it was beautiful and I enjoyed it so much I'd go back in a heartbeat...it wasn't that relaxing because we had our parents and our son with us. DUH, you would have thought we'd realize that beforehand. Anyway, so I took our little guy and the dog for a walk today and we made good time and I got sufficiently sweaty, enough to feel like I did some good. Must do chemistry, mental health is as important as physical and procrastination and dread do not make the studying/homework go away. Quitting is NOT AN OPTION, I have to stop acting like it is...

I'm sore all over and it's not even tomorrow yet. The same yoga practice I was doing three times a week with much less effort completely kicked my ass today, but it was in such a good way. The entire time I kept thinking, "Damn I was doing this and it was feeling effortless???" I tend to underestimate myself and think that I must not be doing that great, that much, working that hard, etc., but in reality I am really doing quite a lot. I suppose that's better than overestimating, but then you have to factor in the mind games I play without realizing it. I work really hard at losing weight, and that is no lie, and yet here's the kicker: I half ass it and then bust ass and go nuts just to lose tiny amounts of weight all because I slacked off frequently. For instance, weekend eating or drinking, missing workouts, and then being super restrictive to "make up for it" which has the end result of me feeling totally over this whole thing, tired, frustrated, and like I'm working soooo hard for noooo reward. Consistency is the key for me, that and being totally honest and just sticking it out and not treating myself so much just to turn around and punish myself. That's no way to be.

Competely unexpected-not sure how to deal. I just completed an hr long practice of my yoga dvd and it felt amazing and I am shakey of limb and loose in muscle, and unexpectedly sick at heart. I've heard that yoga can make you release mental toxins too (suppressed memories, etc.) and I guess that's what happened to me. I found myself recalling a really scary, sad thing that happened to my freshman in high school self, something I'd pretty much blocked. My stomach is rolling and I feel heavy inside. Maybe I do need therapy on my own, I think they help you with that in seperate sessions when you do couples therapy.
I am proud of myself for completing my workout, it's not an option where yoga is concerned-it's a must. My body has been hurting so much from all of my wonky muscles, knots, etc. Time for a shower.

I'm at a loss. Not the good kind either, as in weight, but more as in: my mind. Yesterday I did well all day until Jason walked in the door with beer again and I proceeded to drink three and then eat the last piece of apple pie with ice cream. WTF. I also did not work out and probably will not again today, due to personal physical problems I won't discuss here and lack of time because of class tonight and what I have to get done beforehand. I have to plan better, but first I think I need to decide what I really want. Do I want to stop the madness and maintain? Do I want to really buckle down and not allow any slip ups? I'm just not sure, and that is a recipe for disaster. I also realize that IF my goal is to buckle down I have to weig.h in frequently. Not weighing has been good if I want to maintain or bounce around within 5 lbs, but I have to be accountable or I apparently don't stick with it.
Liposuctions, boob jobs and tummy tucks are sounding better and better.

Sheepish. Trying not to negative self talk. Infinitely wiser.

I can now mark cheese fries, margaritas, and chili burgers from Snuff3r's off my list of former favorites. After sticking to my guns all weekend and even bringing nutritious snacks to the zoo today and not caving in and buying something horribly void though pleasing to my olfactory senses, I went searching for the comfort calorie. You see, we started fighting again this morning, in earnest-loud, real, scary, this isn't working out type fighting. There's been a lot of crying (on my part) and I just wanted to feel like I used to with him-the place we went is by the lake and was one of our favorite places in "the old days", even though at that time it was called a different name and had different food. It didn't work but at least we are doing much better. We've talked many different times about marriage counseling and this time I am not going to let us forget.
I ended up eating maybe three bites of my burger, only one of those containing meat because I did not like it whatsoever, and I didn't fall into a vat of ranch this time, just had one of those little plastic tub containers and so I would have been okay if I had not proceeded to try and get drunk. (Hubby only had a few beers so that one of us would be responsible, it's a rule.) I never did get drunk really, just consumed a bunch of empty calories and am now up at 3 am with a headache, feeling dehydrated. I was dreaming that I was at the store and was excited about all of the healthy food I was buying, and people from my previous lifetime (pre hubby, baby, etc.) were there judging what I was getting and were sneering and loudly announcing the nasty fried/packaged things they were there to get. Strange. Then I guess I was a man, or I was watching a guy, and he was really into running and was lifting weights at a gym and drinking a ton of water and when people gave him crap about it he just explained how wonderful it made him feel and he just smiled and kept going.
I'm picking myself up off the ground and not going to wallow in the fact that I fell down, so soon after my enthusiastic reawakening. This is a bump in the road, not a full detour, and definitely not a derailment. I also cheated and looked at the scale this morning like an idiot because I felt so good. Of course I promptly saw a number I wasn't expecting and was disappointed and came down a few notches. Exactly why I instituted the damn scale rule in the first place.
Let's strike today from the record, except for the zoo part, that was great and really good exercise to boot. At least I am accomplishing my exercise goals, the food will come along, it's usually my strong point and getting consistent movement is the problem.

5 days on track and still feeling very good about it. I managed to stick to my plan despite staying at a resort and eating at a gourmet southwestern place and the added temptation of other's paying for it and telling me to order anything I wanted. I did not worry about eating something diet friendly, I just made a choice based on what sounded the best on the menu to me and it ended up being the vegetarian platter! This included: a goat cheese enchilada which was the size of a pencil (though not as long) and then all the veggie sides on the menu-pesto whipped potatoes, black bean banana mash, sauteed mushrooms, steamed asparagus, and jalapeno cheddar grits. I had three drinks over the course of the evening (compared to everyone else that probably had twice that or more) and only a few bites of the kiwi lime creme brulee. This was my "free" meal and then yesterday I was right back to eating more mindfully. I also kept points low (though I did not starve myself) Friday in preparation for that dinner. Saturday I got up, had fruit with yogurt and some coffee, the buffet was huge and I'm proud of navigating it without breakfast tacos and cheese hash browns ending up on my plate, and then we all seperated and I got my suit on and headed to the pool. Do you count going the length of the pool as a lap, or is it all the way down and back is one? I either did 6 or 12 laps of this huge pool, depending on how you look at it, and I felt great. I then laid about and got a bit of color and read my Sh@pe magazine, which was actually pretty good this time. They had an article on activity oriented for women only retreats, like surfing, skiing, and yoga. I want to go on one of these sooo badly. The yoga retreat in Jamaica lets you bring the family, you just take time out to practice yoga, get daily massages, and I don't even remember what else. John Reid has to be 3 so that gives me time to roll up spare change for ten years until he's 11 and we can afford it.
The resistance band workout thing is still blowing my mind but I'm going with it. My entire body has been sore all weekend, which I stopped achieving with free weights due to no one to spot me. The last time I had a spotter it was a guy from the gym that I decided I should avoid. He was definitely interested in me and that is just something I don't need to complicate my life. Hubby refuses to do anything more than play softball or walk the dog so he's not any help, and yet other people willing to help would be guys that more than likely have ulterior motives. I wish I had some strong fitness minded girlies, but alas all my friends are more interested in doing as little as humanly possible and cooking/eating extremely fattening foods. I feel like I have zero support, actually negative if you really look at it. Not only are these people unsupportive, they look down on me because of how I choose to live. I guess I'll send them a postcard from the surfing retreat when I'm 60.

I'm heating up a bowl of tex mex crock stew (recipe from free low carb menu on www.savingdinner.com ), I'll add a dollop of daisy lite and some jalapeno cheddar goldfish. I get the crunchiness of crackers, a little spice, and the taste of cheese without adding a ton of extra calories. I highly recommend the body clutter or low carb menus from Leanne Ely's website, especially if you are just sick and tired of thinking of what to eat, she even makes out a shopping list. I am digging it and will probably subscribe soon. If the nutritional info doesn't fit in with what you want to do you can always tweak it a bit. We weight loss people are good at that anyway, right? Crock pot recipes are such a lifesaver as long as they are made diet friendly, and I've actually come across quite a few and made up a lot on my own. And now a bit about water: I drink 8-10 glasses a day and I have found a few things that help me achieve this.

1. I fill up a pitcher full from the cold filtered water out of my fridge and as long as I drink that, maybe add a bit more, than I know I'm good on the amount.
2. Ice cold water is harder for me drink a ton of, partially because of my sensitive teeth, so room temp water is much better for my purposes.
3. I add lemon or lime juice and it goes down before I know it.

No workout yesterday unless extreme frustration and angst burns calories. It was a school day and chemistry was driving me apeshit. I did stay perfectly within points an am doing well again today. I'm taking this one day at a time and am feeling good.
Today I tried to do yoga but then felt guilty that I was not playing with my son and I just don't have an hr while he's asleep due to plans with family this weekend. I did about ten minutes I'd say and then I did a full body workout with my resistance bands. I am already sore just sitting here. I'm so mistrustful of workouts that I don't dread, it's silly but I think it has to completely suck while I'm doing it in order to get results. The thing is, I had maxed out my dumbbells and then yoga and now this with the bands and just doing stationary resistance is working better. I think our perceptions hold us back, at least mine do.
Tonight: dinner at a fancy place in the Gaylord Texan hotel after shopping with MIL at Grapevine mills (huge place), so I should get some walking in as well. We have a courtyard room there and I'm looking forward to getting some laps in the pool in when I get up and then lazing around with assorted worthless magazines and getting a little sun. I'll wear sunscreen like a good girl, I'm not into hurting myself with cancer when I'm trying so hard to transform myself. I am on track and staying there this time, damnit.

Last night I ordered a salad and water with lemon while everyone ate fried appetizers and mini burgers and drank enough beer to kill a horse. I did try a cheese stick and a chicken finger but neither one was very good, and funnily enough the salad was hands down, the best salad I've ever received in a restaurant. I usually think they're too dry or messy, what with the lettuce tumbling about (usually iceberg too, totally nutritionally void) and there being too much on the plate to begin with, thereby not allowing adequate mess it about space.
Then we came home (seperately since hubby came from work to the bar) and he walks in the door with beer in hand. He had bought red str!pe and c0r0na because of the big trips we had taken together and a couple of sp@rks just because I like it. He made a sad face when I asked him if he had not noticed that I ate a SALAD and that I was trying again, and then he explained his reasoning and I felt like a big old bitch and I drank a sp@rks and two beers. I still feel like I did well and the dinner Friday night that I was saving up for is apparently going to be gourmet and very healthy, I've looked over the menu. So, in effect, I did not throw anything off with my alcoholic blunder and I am chalking it up to LIFE, you only have a third anniversary one time unless you're like Elizabeth T@ylor.
My shoulders and triceps are letting me know that I did well on my resistance band workout yesterday. Yes I did it and I felt so proud of myself and I will not be stopping my workouts again. End of story, no room for arguement. I need to add bands on the back and bicep exercises...oh I forgot to mention what I'm actually doing with them now. When I originally got them I was very pleased with the range of exercises and the quality, but it just did not feel as effective as my dumbbells. My MIL has been doing a "new" type of strength training at her gym and I can see a noticeable amount of muscle growth in her upper body, she had next to none and now is sporting some decent biceps and delts. What her trainer does is places progressively heavier weights in different positions and then you hold it and count to 30 seconds. There is no actually range of motion, just muscle fatigue. This guy that has developed it was a ballet dancer (I think) and is also a Pilates instructor. She did not think I could do it on my own because some of the weights she is holding are now way to heavy for her to actually lift into place herself, he places them. I thought I would give it a go with my bands which have no potential to hurt me, and do not require a partner. I can honestly say it works if my DOM has anything to say about it. I do have soreness in my back but not enough and it's hard for me to fatigue my biceps because of lifting our one yr old constantly. I'll definitely be upping it tomorrow. There is also a circuit training workout, incorporating cardio with the strength movies, on a disk that came with the bands, but I've never bothered to check it out or attempt it. I know everything already, you know. *thpppt
Next weigh in will not be until Oct. 4th and I will not be stepping on the blasted scale until then, I make that promise to any wandering soul that happens by here and my two semi regular readers so far that encourage me with comments. I am so excited, it's like that original, "just starting out I can do this" feeling again. On the eating front before I forget: I'm counting points again which I may do for a few weeks and then alternate with calories, BFL type eating, etc. I like to change things up here and there with my eating as well as exercise. I have to say, the points plan on WW is what finally brought me successful weight loss after 2 years of working out hardcore and trying to count calories, it blew my mind at first and it still works now as long as I am not feeling burnt out and likely to halfass it or estimate too much. In addition, if you don't eat exercise points or flex (pick your own silly term) you don't lose as much, at least I did not. I completely came to a standstill for over a month, became frustrated, then proceeded to start steadily losing again when I added 2-3 pts a day. I like having a program to follow, it's easy, and I can do it in my head for the most part which doesn't require astronomical financial expenditures.

When was the last time I really worked a program? Really? Thinking about it I am not so sure I can even pinpoint when I started halfassing things. I got to a point where I kept crashing and burning and so I let myself take it easier, which I don't think was a bad idea, but only 3 workouts a week for 2 months, combined with very restrictive eating (vegetarian) and then low calorie/fat, left me with losing a few pounds total and being fed up. I think it's time to kick it up a notch and really kick ass the way I know I can.
The fog finally lifted this morning, I woke without that perennial haze I've been living with and I have decided that "good enough" is not good enough, for me. I'm angry that it is taking me so long yet again. You see, I've lost those same pounds for the second time after having our child and it took me a super long time yet again and I'm not happy with my results. I toy with sizes or weights in my mind, but the thing I really want that I have not achieved is the feeling I'm after, strength, and the look and reality I have mouthed about striving for is that of an athlete. A strong, sleek, cat like body for lack of a better description. I am not looking to be a twig, or even extremely ripped, but I want my outsides to reflect my insides.
Today I am watching my nutrition yet again and I took John Reid for a thirty minute walk, mainly up hills. Pushing all 25 lbs of him plus his stroller, really makes that a much better form of exercise than just whistling Dixie by myself. I'm about to do a resistance workout (upper body I'm thinking) and I pledge to honor myself at dinner tonight. We're going to a sports bar for a friends birthday (and somewhat our anniversary, which is today but we're going to a nice place Friday night) and I will eat like an athlete that cares for her body, not a sports fan with a mountainous beer gut.

I'm in a very weird place mentally and trying to fight my way out, which to tell the truth, I wasn't so sure would happen this time. I am feeling beyond sick of the weight loss game, ready to chuck in the towel, tired of all of the obsessing and working for what seems like no results. Yes I've lost nearly thirty pounds, and yet I still have rolls hanging off my stomach and it just plain pisses me off. I guess it's from the pregnancy, my problem area was always my legs in the past and while they are still not wonderful, they're much better and my waist and abdomen is the size it was at my old +15 lb weight. I thought I would be happy if I could just get my legs thinner and I told myself that after losing the baby weight that put me back at square one I would be happy and not beat myself up about my body. Well, guess what? I still do it and I'm afraid I'm going to always do it unless I completely retrain my brain so that I don't think so much on how I look. Let's face it, this is about vanity at this point for the most part, my health stats area pretty excellent and I'm finally in an offically "normal" BMI zone, this is about those rolls, this is about flabby arms, a saggy butt, jiggly thighs, and is all this mental anguish really worth it? I don't think it is and I'm struggling with where do I go from here thoughts. I'm in a funk all the way around today though, and I can already feel my perfectionist tendencies trying to formulate a new plan of attack.
I baked an apple pie today and it turned out alright, I ate so much my stomach still sort of hurts and I just feel blah. I can at least say I got off my ass finally and washed dishes, put up two day old laundry, and put up our son's clothes. I've lost my routines from being sick for the last few weeks and just being weak and tired every day, and I think that's why I feel lost. Hopefully I'll wake up tomorrow, the pity party will have left the building, and I'll like myself again.

I go through these phases, usually shortlived thankfully, that I feel like stopping the weight loss shennanigans completely. During these times I long to go back to the days "before", you know, before I started actually caring about my health and appearance. I look back fondly and distort things so that I was always happy with my looks, with my activities, with my life, etc. In reality, this is all bullshit, but it takes at least a day or so at times to snap out of this type of thinking. My latest rebellion, oddly enough, is not tracking, working out, etc-the normal things you would expect. I've gotten more and more irritated at the level of sodium I can safely ingest without waking up with swollen ankles and gut and general irritability. I stopped buying basically any "convenience food" out there because of the afore mentioned effects and quite frankly, having to prepare ALL MY OWN DAMN FOOD EVERY DAY gets really, really, old. But unless I want to look and feel like this:

going out to eat or eating frozen meals, salad dressings, most soups, salsa, spaghetti sauce, most asian foods...simply not an option.
Yoga tonight for the first time since my illness-I took The Boy for a walk yesterday and the puny 1.15 mile around through the neighborhood kicked my ass. Going back to square one always pisses me off. I'm grumpy, I think I need a nap.

Not sure what look I'm striving for here, plainly I am HOLDING A MONKEY, a dream fulfilled (erin=monkey obsessed for those not in the know), I just drove an ATV in a foreign country through a really for real jungle, and our guide was named Hoss, so I should be grinning from ear to ear but I think I was bowled over by the holding of a monkey thing. Here are some pictures of the cenote we snorkled in:









The beach was gorgeous but I don't have many pictures of it since I brilliantly deduced that my mom was taking pics of it and I didn't need to, momentarily LOSING MY DAMN MIND since it takes forever to get photos from her and by God, I have entries to write. I found a huge shell in a tidal pool like you get from tourists shops and I picked up pieces of coral off the beach. Here is a pic of some rocks I climbed out on:




And photographic evidence that I married the right man:

Mexico was almost unbelievable-beautiful beyond words, exciting, and I will post about it with pictures as soon as typing is not so damn hard. Unfortunately, that's not an exaggeration-typing really does seem to be too much still, as I am weak and sickly.
The night we got back Jason and I awoke throwing up and various other nasty things. He threw up twice, while I went on to win the gold medal in dehydration and did not stop until around ten hrs later. I had to go to the hospital and get an IV for about three hrs, I lost almost ten pounds overnight, my blood pressure was 20 pts lower, and my resting heart rate about 40-50 beats higher than normal.
I have been very, very, sick.
The culprit is either the recent mild stomach flu that my in-laws had, or food poisoning in the airport on the way home. The trip to the hospital was Fri. and I am still not really okay but am able to function and take care of the Boy.
I'll be a friend again when I can think straight.
I HELD AND PETTED MONKEYS and snorkled in a bat cave. BATS!

When a blogger falls silent it usually spells trouble, and I am not any different. I was really hitting new goals and hit my weight goal I set for tommorrow about 2 weeks ago, and then I lost my damn mind. I don't know if it was the dreaded period stuff (The Hunger, tm-Mar!a) or if I was depriving myself and didn't realize, but I decided that multiple days of binging right before we go on a beach vacation must be a good idea. Sigh. So now back up 5 lbs and still slowly getting back in control. Probably the worst thing I've been doing is drinking again. Wow, that sounds like I'm in a school pick up line with a cocktail in a Sonic cup, but it's not like that. Beer, on the weekends, which is really a downfall for me. I drink and then I eat mindlessly, even though I'm not completely gone. It's as if my mind thinks that gives me free license=the old "I messed up so here we go" thing. And the thing is, I look fine, slightly puffier but no biggie, and I hate that I'm so neurotic. I guess it's because it takes me so damn long to lose anything and I've been working on it this go around for over a year and before it took me even longer to lose the same amount. I always think I should be able to do everything top notch each and every time and I hate feeling weak. What the hell does it matter if I am 5 lbs heavier? It sucks because I have to lose that over again but that's it. It does not make me a bad, lazy, or weak person. Come on brain, catch up with my logic.

Sept. 23, 2004- Edited with commentary on where I am now.

I visited Gran today. Sitting by the marker I fidgeted with grass and a twig, and more to the point, cried like a baby. She's been since 1995-it's been almost ten years (11 yrs now) but she's still a good listener, and I wish I could hear her replies. Walking back to my car I felt a sense of peace that's been missing. (I was going to community college during the day, only taking 3 classes, and the campus is close to where my great-grandmother is buried.)

I want to go back to the time of before. I want my innocence back, when I didn't worry about money, sex, or my body. Instead I thought about simple things-playing with the dog, eating whatever tasted good, classic movies, or a shirt with some kind of iron on graphic. None of my present obsessions were...well, present. My size was just what it was, I never tried to change it, but just dressed to fit it. Hard lines and planes and jutting hipbones were not on my agenda, and it never entered my mind to change that. (I can thankfully say that my true goal at this point is to still look good in my clothes, but more importantly to be strong and healthy, no bullshit.)

I have two freelance writing prospects I am going to try for (never did), a scholarship essay to write (did but got nothing for it), and I signed up for the short story contest (also did but once again did not place, I have long since decided writing as a career does not suit me at all). Procrastination has been the plague of my life since I can remember. My mission is to stomp that out, and the Flylady ideas I am in the process of learning have greatly improved my chances. (I've been a member of the Flylady yahoo group for over two years now and I still love her and her guidance and am STILL working on everything).

Other personal goals:
1)Stop using profanity. I feel that cursing has crippled my range of speech and idea, and besides, when I hear it out of someone else's mouth, it repulses me now for some reason. Mental recoil. This does not mean I am going to police or judge others. (Eh, doesn't bother me that much anymore, and oddly enough I pretty much don't cuss very often now. Maybe being a Mama helped with that the most.)
2)Find a moderate approach to health. I am sick of watching and counting. It is not, I repeat not natural. I am not in training for a competition, I am not a sculpture, and I will win no prize for having a perfect body. A big reason I freak out over my weight is I create this ridiculous pressure to look like a pop star in all the social events Jason and I attend. For some unknown reason, I want all of Jason's friends and family to think I am perfect. This is an asinine notion. Jason himself thought I was ideal the day I met him before I did any "improving". He truly loves me, as is evident more from his constant dealings with my Crazy. (I no longer care nearly as much about what others think, that was a weird headspace I had gone to and totally out of character for me. I appreciate and love my body so much more since carrying and giving birth to another human being. Once again motherhood kicks ass.)
3)Become organized in a manageable fashion. I am not a naturally organized, but this does not mean I cannot adapt my own way of doing things. I feel this is imperative to a healthy mind. (Still working on it but I feel I've come a long way and am happy with things.)
4)Be more physically active in new ways. By this declaration I do not mean to go back to my routine more often, or to be more strict on myself in order to achieve weightloss. By this I mean try kayaking, yoga, martial arts, rock climbing, dance, etc. A healthy mind and body go hand in hand. If you cultivate one, you should see the other coming behind. If not a certainty, it might at least provide a fighting chance. (Not only have I tried yoga, I do it three times weekly and am going to class tonight for a change from my at home practice. I LOVE IT! Still have not tried kayaking, martial arts, rock climbing, etc. but I do ride my bike when possible and am fairly physically active in other ways each day. Must work on this one, note to self. Oh, I plan on rock climbing, sailing a catamaran, and hiking the mayan pyramid ruins next week, so big fucking check on this one, heh.)
5)Call friends and family more. Even more ambitious, use the phone on a regular basis. This irrational fear is paralyzing and detrimental in my life. Baptism by fire. (Also mainly gotten over this, once again I grew up big time when mini-me was born. Something else I realized is the people I really have a hard time calling are people I don't really want to talk to, so duh, get new friends and distance from family I can't cleanse from my life.)
6)Attend cultural events: not only do I want an uncluttered mind, I also want to expand my thinking and enjoy new experiences. I saw a poster for the Whirling Dervishes at the magestic. How amazing would that be? The Observer and ticket master may become my new best friends. Concerts, performances, avant garde movies, plays, etc. Dallas if full of them. (This one I'm still sorely lacking in as well, the main thing we do when we go out is eat, though we have been to a lot of really cool places with interesting cuisine. I saw the Lion King musical which was amazing, we saw David Copperfield, we go to the botanical gardens and yesterday we went to the huge used book store and also the upscale blow my mind grocery. Hmm not as bad as I thought but I still want to address this issue.)

Things that are good:
love, strength, acceptance, patience, family, friendship, sun, water, food, warmth, beauty greater than ourselves, words

This ending. (Still good, but let's add motherhood, watching Jason with our son, being healthy, yoga!!!, new experiences, being so much closer to graduating.)

I found this yesterday in an old spiral and thought it had a lot of relevance to my ongoing thoughts.

Sept. 23, 2004

I visited Gran today. Sitting by the marker I fidgeted with grass and a twig, and more to the point, cried like a baby. She's been since 1995-it's been almost ten years but she's still a good listener, and I wish I could hear her replies. Walking back to my car I felt a sense of peace that's been missing.

I want to go back to the time of before. I want my innocence back, when I didn't worry about money, sex, or my body. Instead I thought about simple things-playing with the dog, eating whatever tasted good, classic movies, or a shirt with some kind of iron on graphic. None of my present obsessions were...well, present. My size was just what it was, I never tried to change it, but just dressed to fit it. Hard lines and planes and jutting hipbones were not on my agenda, and it never entered my mind to change that.

I have two freelance writing prospects I am going to try for, a scholarship essay to write, and I signed up for the short story contest. Procrastination has been the plague of my life since I can remember. My mission is to stomp that out, and the Flylady ideas I am in the process of learning have greatly improved my chances.

Other personal goals:
1)Stop using profanity. I feel that cursing has crippled my range of speech and idea, and besides, when I hear it out of someone else's mouth, it repulses me now for some reason. Mental recoil. This does not mean I am going to police or judge others.
2)Find a moderate approach to health. I am sick of watching and counting. It is not, I repeat not natural. I am not in training for a competition, I am not a sculpture, and I will win no prize for having a perfect body. A big reason I freak out over my weight is I create this ridiculous pressure to look like a pop star in all the social events Jason and I attend. For some unknown reason, I want all of Jason's friends and family to think I am perfect. This is an asinine notion. Jason himself thought I was ideal the day I met him before I did any "improving". He truly loves me, as is evident more from his constant dealings with my Crazy.
3)Become organized in a manageable fashion. I am not a naturally organized, but this does not mean I cannot adapt my own way of doing things. I feel this is imperative to a healthy mind.
4)Be more physically active in new ways. By this declaration I do not mean to go back to my routine more often, or to be more strict on myself in order to achieve weightloss. By this I mean try kayaking, yoga, martial arts, rock climbing, dance, etc. A healthy mind and body go hand in hand. If you cultivate one, you should see the other coming behind. If not a certainty, it might at least provide a fighting chance.
5)Call friends and family more. Even more ambitious, use the phone on a regular basis. This irrational fear is paralyzing and detrimental in my life. Baptism by fire.
6)Attend cultural events: not only do I want an uncluttered mind, I also want to expand my thinking and enjoy new experiences. I saw a poster for the Whirling Dervishes at the magestic. How amazing would that be? The Observer and ticket master may become my new best friends. Concerts, performances, avant garde movies, plays, etc. Dallas if full of them.

Things that are good:
love, strength, acceptance, patience, family, friendship, sun, water, food, warmth, beauty greater than ourselves, words

This ending.

Yet another:

I have gone crazy with the vegetarian eating type thing, and let me tell you, crazy never felt so good. Meat, schmeat I say, though I have decided to brach out from various legumes and bought some tofu squares to try and come up with something, I'm a little nervous about that but "nothing ventured, nothing gained", right?
My latest success is homemade bean burgers, and I have to say they are kicking ass, esp. the ones I made today. I cook up a bag of black beans (which generally keeps me fed for a week, 66 cents-can't beat that) and then I make different things out of the huge mess. To make the burgers I take cooked black beans, plain non-fat yogurt, ground cumin, lemon pepper, chili pepper, and whole wheat flour-mix that bowl o' stuff up and make patties, proceed to fry said patties in a light amount of olive oil. Today they kicked more ass because I chopped a clove of garlic and some purple onion, sauteed that and then put it in the mix before frying the patties. HELL YEAH, ya'll, I am serious. Ya'll-as in myself since no one reads this.
What else have I made that's yummy? *taps fingers...Ah! Roasted veggie dip-roast a pan of defrosted frozen veggies (olive oil and sea salt on veggies, bake at 375 until starting to turn colors) threw those bad boys in teh cuisenart with some plain non-fat yogurt, chopped fresh garlic, olive oil, spices etc. I just blended it until it was starting to be smooth but still had a rough texture. HELL YEAH once again people, dip some baby carrots and cucumber slices in that stuff and BLAU, flavor party in your mouth. Yeah I said it. Lentil burritos are good too, like bean burritos but with lentils mashed up a little.
Tofu master 2006 coming soon.

A slightly moldy post I wrote elsewhere:

There's so much I want to write and yet I have no time or opportunity it seems. Yoga is still going beautifully, I even used it to help me before/during/after my exam last night. Inversion poses are supposed to help center and calm you so I did that for a bit before I left for school, and then practice my deep even breating walking in and the rest of the night. It was hands down the least stressful I have been taking an exam that I was concerned over-and I raised my grade considerably. 76-89. I wish I would have done better than the 89 but I tried as hard as I could considering circumstances, and I have to say I have never taken exams so strangely worded and flat out hard. The class is highly enjoyable, but the tests are ridiciulous. I am an A student and it looks like I'll barely get by with an A, and more likely easily get a B. I'm controlling my "issues" (anger, impatience, irritability, controlling tendencies) with yoga and meditation and feel healthier than I have been in years. Not only mentally healthier, but my hips and bands, tendons, etc. are stronger and much less sore, not to mention my lower back feels all better after I get done every other day and it seems to be keeping the knots at bay. Speaking of yoga and a bay, nice transition huh, I purchased a travel yoga mat that is thin and folds down into a flat square and I am taking that sucker to Mexico. Me, sunrise (hmm optimistic much?) the ocean, Mayan ruins, and my favorite exercise in the world that is really more of a healing therapy that gives you exhilarting feelings previously only known through sex. Did I mention I'm excited?

Slowly adding links to pages I read...I know I left many out but I need to be places other than sitting in this chair and I really would like to take the time to seperate categories out, etc. We will see.

This weekend has been nothing remotely like I expected. I was looking forward to challenging myself with a weekend as "the old us" and coming out on top, which did NOT happen. I have eaten poorly and drank quite a few beers, and only really enjoyed maybe 3 hrs of the last 48 enough to justify any of this. All I can do is move foreward with a positive attitude, and that's fully what I intend to do.
So up a whole 5 lbs since Wednesday: goal-to get rid of that and get back to kicking ass like I was, le sigh, it seems so long ago even though it was a few days. I do not believe weight loss follows the normal rules of time and space and physics.
I pick up my Boobah (our son) in the morning and I cannot wait; this growing up business is hard to do. Oddly enough more for me than him.

Why do I always do this?

I concocted this great scheme where I would meet Hubby's mother halfway (they live out of state) and our son could stay the weekend with his grandparents and we would have this wonderous adult weekend that we have not had in over a year now. Friday night would be going out to dinner and dressing up, Saturday going to see P!rates II and going out with friends somwhere and Sunday brunch with my mom and her guy and then sushi with my girlies at 5. Sounds fun filled and WONDEROUS right? Wrong.
I drove my little buddy, met MIL just fine, and then sobbed heartbrokenly for about 30 minutes driving home, and then off and on the rest of the day. I had a horrible headache when I finally got back home and so I laid down, ended up sleeping until Hubby got home which was not my plan, and then was completely groggy, grumpy, and still sad. Bitched and griped way too much over the course of the evening, ate far too much-making myself sick, and then the two drinks I had kicked my ass all over the place. Now why on Earth did I think this would be fun? Overeating rich, salty food is not fun to me anymore (though I keep trying it again and then getting mad) and the whole thing just sucked. MEH.
I woke up off and on all night because I was so dehydrated from not drinking enough water yesterday and then eating the overly salty rich food, and I've downed at least 3 glasses of water now and am still sitting here with cotton mouth and grumpiness. Did I mention the 3.5 lbs of water weight (I hope)?
Today just has to be better, why can't I enjoy being a young person?