Friday, October 13, 2006

Up another half a pound, to 146, and in case math is not you thing, TWO POUNDS up from the low I was so happy I finally achieved. It wasn't just the scale number either, I felt thinner and I felt like I could wear any thing I wanted, was a smaller size, etc. It's all in my head though, the new clothes I got on the weekend still fit well-I'm such a nutcase I tried them on, convinced that they would be a bit too tight now or something. I keep thinking I'm not really that size, it's a fluke, they must be cut big, vanity sizing, etc. Why can't I just accept I really am smaller? When I look in the mirror I don't actually SEE myself I think, even though I look all the time, inspecting, patting, pinching. It's weird. On a positive, non-crazy note, I no longer dislike my body or its parts, and I'd say that's a huge step forward. My legs are actually looking pretty good and they used to be the target of my negative self thinking, or at least the biggest (no pun intended) focus. My legs were weirdly disproportionate to my body, and I had the whole cankle thing going on-now I can see my quad muscles coming out, I noticed a bump close to my knee and realized it's actually muscle! Anyway, crazy thinking on the way out, positive thinking on the way in-yay!
The point about the numbers is, whatever reason I'm up that much has nothing to do with fat and I know it. I'm struggling big time again with this sickness (real not mental) and my throat is killing me, ears hurting, glands swollen. I'm still going to attempt to work out today, I think it won't hurt and if I feel too badly I'll wait yet another day though I don't want to.

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