Wednesday, February 28, 2007

List of Complaints: Nothing to See Here Folks
The Boy is still sick and it breaks my heart not to mention is very tiring on dear ol' mama. My class is not going well though I am still struggling along and at least I can do the labs properly and the reports that go along with them. It's the lecture exams that are heap big scary. My mother is sick, my dad just got done being sick, and this is the second week that I have not felt well and yet it's an even more unsatisfying limbo-unless I am sick on the bed I feel like I need to suck it up and continue being a work horse super woman, even though truly I need to rest. I AM getting better about that but it's an old habit to break.
I have been doing really well, my weight is creeping downward and the weight I lift is creeping upward but I have been unable to workout since Sunday and this is majorly bumming me out, I'm due for my period and feel horribly depressed, old, and unattractive. I've had a few people recently place my age 5-10 yrs older than I am and I cannot tell you how great that makes me feel. Bleh.
I forced myself to grill some eggplant and red peppers and chicken is roasting in the oven as I type, so at least there is that.
I am just tired of everything at this point and I want a vacation from my life, but only to a better one.
Just a terrible, horrible, very bad no good day.

Monday, February 26, 2007

Our son woke up this morning throwing up and crying and what has followed is an endless cycle of feeling badly myself and running the washer/dryer. We received a letter from the Mother's Day Out program he is in about the rotovirus that two children have been diagnosed with over the weekend. I wanted to get in some cardio today but...yeah that is not going to happen.
I am not throwing up myself but feel weak and dazed and am trying to not start up the eating again like yesterday. I stuffed myself pretty good (read:bad) yesterday and woke up not wanting anything. Missing lecture today is not the way to make it through organic chem but I couldn't help it and sometimes you just have to deal with life and make it through.
Let's see, took a rest day Thursday and was still feeling yicky and tired, Friday I cleaned like a madwoman and know for a fact that it was just as good as a regular cardio session, I was sweating pretty hard trying to get it together before in-laws arrived for the weekend. Then Saturday I got up and worked it on the elliptical outside for 20 minutes and Sunday I attended yoga again with sister-in-law though it was a different instructor and neither one of us liked it as much.
I've started feeling tiny again and I think that is partly to blame for the Day of Eating yesterday and my wayward feelings today. I was upset last night by family bullshit and I don't deal well with that either, I need to get busy with my B0dy Clutter book and try and figure out what is at the root of all my issues with eating and trying to feel good about myself with sabotaging it.

Wednesday, February 21, 2007

101st post, very cool. I mean to do one of those 100 things in however many days lists, I think it's important to always be striving to do, see, and think more.
I hate tracking things but I think I need to start writing down what weights I'm lifting as it's changed again and I think I may need to examine closer what I'm lifting as pretty much everything has changed to a bit heavier and I'm not remembering as well. If I don't push it each and every time I won't progress as quickly or as completely as I would like.
It is also killing my data loving self to not know for sure how much the bars weight, etc. For my own knowledge and yours if you like this sort of thing (I am looking at what I can do with good form for one set, not what I could do if I was doing a one rep max.):
Shoulder press, sitting: 30-35 lbs. which seems puny but I know is maybe twice what I could do when I started. I also must keep in mind these are free weights and not compare them to weights on resistance machines.
Walking lunges: 34 lbs. This is already a step up but I think I could go up to maybe 40 lbs soonish. (split that into halves for each dumbbell I'm carrying)
Chest Fly, bench: 30lbs + whatever the arms weigh, hard to explain, maybe I will take pictures
Squats, dumbbells: 43 lbs. Just bumped this up and I think I could go up some more since I can do 3 sets plus negative holds for 30secs, though it is challenging.
Bicep curls: 14 lbs.-that seems so puny but when I started with it I couldn't do a full set of ten without doing negatives on this weight and now I can do the ten and then do a 30 sec. negative hold as well, so progress but so slow. Maybe I should mention I have probably already done two sets of pushups at this point and am pretty confident now that I think of it I could do a higher weight on curls if I hadn't already fatigued my arms a good bit.
Calf raises: 58-60lbs. I can lift more than this with my calves but my ARMS have to hold the dumbbells in my home gym and so 60 lbs. for long enough to do a set of 15 rocking lifts with a 30 sec. negative hold at the end is enough. Just raised this from 48-50 lbs.
Tricep extension: 14 lbs, my triceps have come a long way from only being able to work with about 5 lbs way back when. Only make it to 20 sec. on the hold at the end, working on that.
I think that's it...some of this I do two sets but not many. My objective is to work out with the most efficiency, not longevity.
I've pretty much stopped doing deadlifts, still drag that move out sometimes but even though I pay close attention to form there is just so much potential for someone like me working out alone to hurt myself. Squats with a 30 sec hold at the end and walking lunges seems to be doing the trick for the old backside.
I started out my workout today with 5 min warm up on the elliptical trainer and then since it is so beautiful out there I took out my bike after I finished lifting and just rode around the block (about a mile) listening to my iPod and feeling the breeze on my face. Things are going well, slowly knocking out the bloat I ended up with after overeating the last few weeks, perhaps the real fat will start melting off again-I'd like to see the figure that had started emerging before I got sick two times ago. Sigh.

Tuesday, February 20, 2007

Chinese Friday night, Greek and Chinese take out Saturday, and Mexican food for lunch Sunday-yoga Friday, walking Saturday, and then the feat to top it all: morning yoga at the gym with my lovely SIL.
That's the wrap up of the days since I've been here-thought I should get that out of the way. Sunday and yesterday I felt so ill I did well to walk from the couch to the bed, and even though I'm not 100% today I just took John Reid out for a walk through the neighborhood then worked in the backyard a little bit. My second organic chem test is tomorrow morning and I am not prepared and am fretting like always. I have so much to say but no time for now-have to make myself study.
I'll just tell you about the yoga class Sunday before I go. The class I have taken at the same gym and also my dvd I work from at home are both "power yoga". Quickly moving and a decent cardio workout as well as strength training. The Tuesday night power yoga class usually kicked my tail really well and when I walked up to the classroom Sunday morning and so it was called "yoga stretch" I was dubious. First off a little more background; Saturday night I attended a party for a friend at a smokey bar and did not get to sleep until after 1 and the class was at 9:30. Not that bad you say but I was not feeling so hot that morning so it was a real feat to even show up, let alone do the class. So I see the instructor and I'd had her before as a sub on Tuesday night and remembered I got a great workout from her method. This class was much slower than I am used to and extremely physically challenging. I feel like form was more of a focus and she sure does love the plank pose and we were admonished to be strong and straight during plank, not like a saggy rotten log. Lol. Nice eh?
It was great, would do it again definitely, and now I must be off to study.

Thursday, February 15, 2007

I ate a lot last night, a lot of sodium and large portions. I'm not going to feel badly about it thought, it was special and my Hubby made us dinner, the same meal in fact he made for me our first Valentine's. It's been extremely cold for Texas (in the 20s) and working out in the garage just has not been an option. Call me a wuss, I don't care-I am not working out when the bones in my hands hurt from the temperature. However, I will be hitting the gym if this continues, I have an indoor workout option, it's just not nearly as convenient. I would try out the gym's daycare today if John Reid was not sick, he woke up yesterday sneezing, coughing, and impersonating a snot faucet. I am experiencing some of the same (except the cough) but it's not getting me down because I am not letting it. So there germs!
This Sunday I am attending a yoga class with my SIL at 9:30 am. The fact that I am also attending a friend's blow out birthday party at a club/restaurant the night before is not going to slow me down, I am sort of "over" staying up late and drinking. I'd rather remain sober, be able to drive home instead of wasting money on a cab, get to bed at a decent time, and be able to get up and bless my spirit with someone I love. Take that preconceived notion of fun!
Where did everyone go? I miss having something to read when I should be doing other things. *smile

Tuesday, February 13, 2007

Friday and Saturday were elliptical days, Saturday our son hit his dad's garage door remote on his keys and when it started coming up with no warning and its loud screechyness I about fell off the machine and screamed like a total weinie. Sunday was my mother's birthday and even though I had gone out to eat the previous two nights I had to eat Italian take out that night and while delicious, was not a smart choice. However, I think the other nights were good choices and I ended up maintaining over the weekend somehow so that must mean ye olde scale had dropped a bit. No worries, at this point I'm truly in a place where the scale is merely a tool, albeit a faulty one, and so I am not feeling bad/good about any numbers. If it becomes a mental pitfall I will once again avoid weighing but I don't see it happening. Working on loving myself, imperfect or no, has removed a lot of things.
Yesterday I fit a lifting session in between dropping the Boy off and driving to school. I upped my weights on chest flyes, squats, calf raises, and triceps extensions. I need to up it on the lunges as well and I was able to complete a set of curls with no negative reps needed on either arm, something I've been working towards. I came inside and laid on the floor, legs point straight up and shoulders/head raised as well, like a curled up sort of position that killed my abs-held that for a slow count of thirty and then did plank for...hmm I think thirty (the cat came up and decided to decorate my face with her tail fur while I was trying to concentrate).
Eating is sensible and unmeasured, I've had a hard time getting back to the great place I had arrived with food after eating that Italian food, its like it set off a chain reaction of munchy days-that should tell us something about so-called "bad" food. High fat/calorie/grease/salt food sets off negative behavior for me, but the good news is: this too shall pass.
A shake of cinnamon in your coffee grounds before brewing really livens up a cup of joe, I'm just sayin'.

Saturday, February 10, 2007

The day after a weight training workout I take a rest day, but this time I thought we were going to have visitors this weekend, and so I cleaned quite a bit and fell in to bed exhausted.
Friday morning I rolled out of bed, extremely groggy, took the Boy to school, ran home with no minutes to spare and hopped on the elliptical for a gut busting workout. Showered and dressed I had no time to eat or I would be late for school, so I popped some oatmeal with strawberries and egg whites in the micro. That may sound gross but its actually quite good, tastes like an oatmeal bar because you don't taste the whites, just get some protein. You don't taste them if you don't nuke the bejeezus out of it until it explodes. Sigh.
So kinda nast but I ate it anyway when I stopped at red lights and it was fine, not every meal has to be a culinary masterpiece.
Which brings me to last night's dinner. (Nice segue eh?) We went back to the local seafood place that we've been to twice before. The first time we went I ordered a grilled platter and really enjoyed it. They make this bread that is divine with a crystallized sugar on top that sounds strange in a dinner bread but is so great! We devoured that bread in a few moments just between the two of us. We also usually get the calamari, which as you know is fried with a fatty sauce. I've realized that even though I like the taste it makes me sick later, heartburn, etc. The second time I wanted their french fries for some reason, and I did something really stupid-I ordered a fried platter. I was sick as a dog before we even left the premises, why did I think I would like it? It tasted gross to me and I felt awful the rest of the night.
So, this time I ordered one of their specialties, cajun pineapple tillapia-a spiced fillet with a pineapple salsa over it that was great and a good choice at the same time. No appetizer, only a few small slices of that delish bread, one glass of wine that I didn't finish, and even though I ordered the baked potato as my second side I tried it, didn't think it was that good and left it. I am working on quality not quantity.
There's a great show on Food network with Giada from the everyday italian show-she goes to different cities and shows you places to explore and of course, eat. I love it! I notice she tries all kinds of gorgeous foods, doesn't worry about calorie count, but she truly enjoys each bite and is in the moment. I am tired of living life, and especially eating on auto pilot.
The future looks so rosy.

Wednesday, February 07, 2007

Thanks for the well wishes, I'm feeling a lot better today-probably at 90%. Yesterday I decided to just act "as if" and despite the nausea walked a brisk 1.3 miles in about 18 minutes. That's pretty damn good pushing a stroller coming off of being sick. Calories burned: 190, asses kicked: 1.
Had to run to lab last night during another class's time to re-weigh the sample I had to turn in with my report. It's a good thing I did since it was waaaay off and would have really brought my grade down. I felt so sick before I left I wasn't sure what to do but did it anyway and took care of business. School is stressing me out big time and I know the lack of exercise lately is partially to thank for that. Which brings me to my next thought...
This new way of life I'm building, free from dieting and unnatural behavior, only works if I move my body regularly. Ta da! Epiphany free of charge!
When you are restricting calories, missing workouts slows down progress but it doesn't completely toss it out, or at least not for me. Trying to intuitively eat, listening to my body, but yet still trying to become the best version of me only works with regular intense exercise. I think if I was just looking to maintain my weight I could let it slide more often but really, doesn't that defeat the whole point here? My goal is to instinctively choose food that is good for my body and to intentionally move around each day as part of what is normal to me, not forced. Resting at least two days a week is also part of my plan and it has made a huge difference.
Being a nutrition major means I strongly believe in choosing the best possible fuel for my body and mind. I do not believe in uneducated intuitive eating, but I do not believe what I mean by that would be truly intuitive eating anyway. The whole idea behind it is to be in tune with your body and to truly listen and if you are still steadily making poor choices that hurt your well being, than perhaps you aren't quite there yet. I also believe that the dieting I have participated in the last few years ended up being mentally destructive, and to a degree physically, and yet I learned so much about what I need to feed myself and a strong desire to educate myself further and to help others was born. So all in all, not a wash and I am happy and proud that I'm breaking out of the highly self-critical self esteen busting lifestyle I had slipped into-mainly through Weight W@tchers. On the other hand I don't think it is evil, or bad for everyone, but the mentality of the scale mattering so much and my self worth hinging on what number flashed up that day was not healthy for me.
I'm still figuring things out, but as of yesterday I'm back in business. Today I fit in a tremendous lifting session and feel good about what I accomplished. I need to focus on that instead of how large my abdomen is today, it's swollen out 3-4 inches bigger than normal and I have no idea what is going on-not making me feel good about myself though. Writing this helped me to see what I need to be looking at instead of examining myself in the mirror.
To clarify about the drinking: my bad influence friend and her husband were our drinking buddies and we'd put away a case each on a bad/good night. When I woke up and stopped basically killing myself with food and alcohol I am sure it threw her for a loop. Socially drinking is fine with me, just when I have a headache or just flat out don't want to drink, she needs to accept that and stop harping on about why I am not being "part of" things.

Monday, February 05, 2007

When I feel bad my habits are complete rubbish. I realize I'm from Texas but rubbish is the perfect descriptor here. I thought I felt badly yesterday from the not so stellar performance the night before but halfway through the SuperBowl party at the same infamously influential friend's house I needed to go home, RIGHT THEN. Sore throat, sour stomach, major lethargy, felt like I was sinking. I did eat like crap at the party, but not nearly as badly as I might have in the past. Luckily this mystery illness causes my stomach to feel full immediately, with unfortunate distended bloating and other nasty unmentionables. Anyway, sick yet again, feel like crap, and everything is derailed for the moment, but I'm not diving head first into food my body doesn't actually want, so that's a start right?

Kada, thanks for the support, I really appreciate it!
LME, this particular friend doesn't understand that some people don't actually want to drink constantly and does actually act strangely towards me when I refuse. However, I do refuse when I am not feeling it and she can just deal with it if it bothers her. It has affected us though and I don't hang out with her nearly as much as I did when WE both drank a lot with her and her husband. Thanks for the get well wishes, and I think I will actually ask her flat out next time why she is so terribly interested in what I drink.

Sunday, February 04, 2007

Friday I hit the weights hard and yesterday morning I definitely was feeling it. Disappointingly more in my upper body than lower but there was soreness there, just not as much. Don't get me wrong, I'm happy to make progress on my upper body but I like to know that I successfully kicked my own ass (literally) since the major muscle groups burn more calories and build up more as well. I also had an excellent eating day, got plenty of veggies and I know I kept it at a healthy level just by making good choices.
Then we get to yesterday. No workout for me as it was my recovery day from lifting. I have been purposefully setting the following day as a rest day this go round and it has given me much better results and is better for me mentally as well. Husband wanted to go to the Dallas b0at show, for something to do out of the house and also to get an idea if it is even feasible in a few years to have one. I made a nice little breakfast for myself and then packed some kash! g0 lean cereal, cranberries, and yogurt covered raisins in a baggie to munch if I got hungry. Well I ate that in the car on the way there, which is fine, but then when we left I needed to pee because I opted not to do so there like a dummie and so being in downtown there were not a lot of options besides restaurants. We have a late "lunch" even though neither one of us was truly hungry enough for it, and boy did I overeat. To give myself some credit though, I drank several large glasses of water there and my meal was blackened fish tacos and I did not eat much of my rice or charro beans. I did well on my choice, just not on the portion at all.
Last night we had a fight night party at a friend's house, so after dropping the Boy off we headed over there at 8 and I was finally hungry again. Instead of getting into an argument about requesting something "healthier" to eat and then eating something bad on top of it, I just agreed to pizza and started drinking my red wine. Red wine on an empty tummy, Husband did not order the food right away, so it was 10 before I ate anything. I did only eat 2 pieces which was a major deal for me since it's always been a trigger food. The problem I am working up to is a proceeded to drink almost the whole bottle of red, plus had a jello shot which I did not really want/need, then after our friend dropped us home I had another beer! I had reached that point of thinking I needed to keep drinking even though I reeeeeallly did not. Now keep in mind this was over a 7 hr period, but still!
So I feel like total ass right now, mainly due to empty tummy since I have been downing a great amount of water and don't feel dehydrated. I am a weirdo that cannot sleep after drinking too much and so I only got 4 hrs and could not toss and turn anymore listening to various bodily functions on the other side of the bed. Beer makes you somewhat of a musical instrument apparently.
I will not continue on a destructive streak today, and I am saying right now: there will be no drinking tonight for moi, super bowl be damned. The group is getting together again that was together last night and it's at my friend's house that is a bad influence for me with both food and drink. She's fun, we talk 90 miles an hr, but I tend to make bad choices just being around her. Not tonight!

Friday, February 02, 2007

Gah! Had to oust that last pity party post but no time to write at the moment. I'm holding out that the Boy will take a nap and I can go fling metal around for oh, about 45 minutes.
If you like chocolate covered strawberries, get thee to a Dairy Queen, that's all I'll say about that. I don't even know if there ARE Dairy Queens outside of this area and maybe the surrounding states.
For the curious, no workouts since Saturday, BOO.