Friday, October 27, 2006

Well my own comments window is not expanding in order for me to reply to comments, so I'll have to write here instead. Potatoes, po-tat-oes, right?
Savy, I appreciate the comment, it helps immensely when someone takes the time to stop and say a word or two, especially when I admire that person's dedication and perseverance. I think you know very well what it feels like to put a lot of effort in towards something and to feel frustrated with bouncing around in the same little range of numbers. I am going to continue on and just try and do better, I don't think I can really ask anything else of myself. Eating well and getting regular exercise have become who I am over the last few years, so quitting isn't an option, I just need to come up with a game plan to drop these last ten pounds.
What I don't have is a good consistent exercise routine. The only time I've done something consistently was when I was doing power yoga for a little over an hr three times a week. I would walk occasionally but I put no other pressure on myself other than to complete those workouts, which were not easy, but also provided me with a stress relief that I haven't experienced otherwise. I'm not sure what to do at this point, even though during my extreme yoga stint I maintained and even developed plenty of nice visible muscle, I could not shake the feeling that not doing interval cardio and lifting free weights was not okay. Now we have nice equipment out in the garage for the first time ever and I would feel weird not using it. I think I have to work out some type of hybrid...hmm.
Anyway, current plan is to mainly focus on getting an exercise routine down and not to hyper focus on nutrition at this point, though not to let it slide much either. Night school is sapping my will to live, but there's only 6 wks left. I can do this.
I wanted to write a more cohesive, in depth post than this scattered hodge podge but our 15 month old is not allowing that this morning.

Thursday, October 26, 2006

Where to start? I'm a mess.
I had full intention of behaving myself while in Tulsa, which is extremely hard for me to do because my lovely MIL (that is not sarcasm) always has delicious food and wine. If we are not eating the delicious food she provides at their house, we are going out to eat at great restaurants. Cry me a river I know, but this does not bode well for weight loss efforts. She mentioned in an email that we would have spaghetti for dinner Friday night with some of the family and I asked if it could be made with lean beef and she said yes that is all she uses. So far so good right? Well, I made the salad and it was awesome but of course I forgot to ask about dressing and there was this greek vinagrette stuff that was very tasty but of course full fat. Strike one. Then I have spaghetti and a very reasonable portion, go me right? Wrong-three big pieces of melted cheese/garlicy butter bread and 2 or 3 cookies later, I felt sick I had eaten so much and THEN I had three glasses of wine. Okay regroup and do a better job tomorrow I thought. Got up, had F1ber one cereal and coffee, then went for a fast paced 45 minute walk through their hilly neighborhood. Score! Fixed brunch which was turkey bacon, toast, and eggs. I skipped the eggs she made with milk and TONS of butter, full fat cheese, and ham and made myself an egg white/toast sandwich which was also a good choice, and then proceeded to eat maybe 6 or 7 pieces of the turkey bacon. WTF? I already knew dinner would not be a good choice and really there was nothing to do about it since we were going to a tailgate held by family members before homecoming game. There I had a shot of jaeger, two beers, and two bowls of frito chili pie with huge amounts of cheese. So much for that day. Sunday: no breakfast and then a huge burrito thing with fried potatoes for brunch, and then I ordered "greek pasta" at the pizza place on the way home, trying to do something good, and it comes out so covered up in olive oil that it looks like soup. I barely eat any of it and then one piece of small sausage pizza and feel gross the rest of the night. I'm not really trying to give a blow by blow of my food intake but I'm just saying it has been like that for me for awhile. Up, down, up down, and then Monday night I ate so much I literally started throwing up a little. That is some scary stuff, stuffing yourself to that point. I sat there feeling miserable knowing that my husband was about to come home with the chai tea (nonfat! who am I kidding) and big ass chocolate chip cookie from St@rbucks. Yes I ate that too.
Two workouts this week with a little extra cardio on my weights day to try and make some ground up-I'm at limbo yet again and am wondering if I should just try and maintain since that's what I'm doing anyway. I'm three sizes smaller than when I started last year and that may just have to be good enough until I get that burst of motivation that I always do...eventually.
It seems a lot of bloggers are faltering or feeling frustrated and I miss everyone's posts so I thought maybe I should put a post out there and hopefully get some to read in return, ha! Blogging kharma or something, yeah.

Thursday, October 19, 2006

Obviously, no matter what I tell myself I DO buy into what the scale says. Even though I managed to make myself workout Saturday, I think going up everyday despite the work I was putting in really did a number on me. While watching the Biggest L0ser last night, the women on the red team kept saying they were afraid they would get on the giant scale and have gained...I think it's a common fear for people trying to lose weight that no matter how hard you try it's going to back fire on you or it's not enough. Saturday night: I had decided to stay within a certain calorie range so like a brilliant dumbass (you like that?) I mixed a martini without eating dinner first, and it just went downhill from there. I vaguely remember making a peanut butter/jelly sandwich before going to pass out and not even saying goodbye to our guests. I felt like the biggest tool in the shop when I woke up Sunday.
There are many more ramifications beyond that night's calories as well. I got up and felt destroyed even though I didn't drink THAT much, and so Hubby insisted on going to eat brunch because he wanted something greasy and I went along even though I did actually to my credit tell him no several times. So I went along and I did alright on my choice, but then I came home and slept for 6 hrs. There went the entire day, not only no workout but no general movements either if you are lying in the bed like a coma patient. After sleeping all day I took a sleeping pill that night to try and sleep some more and get back in the swing of things but of course I never even went all the way to sleep-just went in and out of it-and so I've felt crap ever since. This entire week has been awful, all because of my calorie counting-drinking ways on Saturday. I didn't even get a workout in until yesterday and then the rest of the day I felt like I'd been run over. These classes and the demanind sleep (or lack thereof) schedule I'm on have combined to kick my ass.
Oddly enough I've eaten decently the last two days and the weird pounds that came on last week are gone and I'm back to 145 even. Now if I can remove another lb. I'll be back to my low and back on the way to new territory. I don't know when that will happen on the scale but as long as I don't gain weirdly and I get smaller, I can stay at this weight for all I care. (Ok the 130s would be awesome since I don't remember ever weighing that small.)

Wednesday, October 18, 2006

This really struck me:

“You don't have to overeat in this culture to gain weight,” says Dr. Lewis Pincus, medical director of the Methodist Health System Weight Management Institute, ToLife!, in Dallas. “All you have to do is show up and not have a plan, which is basically how it is for most Americans.”

More later on my lack of planning and state of mind.

Saturday, October 14, 2006

I woke up and thought I would workout. I weighed myself and saw now a 3.5 lb gain, all from this week, despite eating on track and working out everyday, and I was angry and did not want to workout. I fed the baby and didn't want to workout. I ate breakfast and drank coffee and didn't want to workout. I watched teevee and surfed the net and DECIDED to not workout. Our new LCD teevee arrived and I definitely didn't want to workout, I wanted to see my Hubby happy and excited. I decided to measure my waist and saw another half inch gone and decided to work out. My brain is weird.
Workout stats are improving, yesterday 3 miles in 20 minutes and today? Today 4.3 miles. Woot!

Friday, October 13, 2006

Two kickass workouts, back to back. I am proud of myself, something I don't say or think often enough. I tried to type an email earlier and kept writing self deprecating things and backspacing. I never realized fully that I do that as much as I do. So anyway, upper body weights and then 20 min on the happy fun device (elliptical) that has left me dizzy but in a good way. Level 2 makes my heart rate hit the 180s, which is my max and not necessarily where I need to be working out at, so I alternated btw 1 and 2 to stay around 160-165. I better hit the shower before John Reid starts requesting my company. Happy.
Up another half a pound, to 146, and in case math is not you thing, TWO POUNDS up from the low I was so happy I finally achieved. It wasn't just the scale number either, I felt thinner and I felt like I could wear any thing I wanted, was a smaller size, etc. It's all in my head though, the new clothes I got on the weekend still fit well-I'm such a nutcase I tried them on, convinced that they would be a bit too tight now or something. I keep thinking I'm not really that size, it's a fluke, they must be cut big, vanity sizing, etc. Why can't I just accept I really am smaller? When I look in the mirror I don't actually SEE myself I think, even though I look all the time, inspecting, patting, pinching. It's weird. On a positive, non-crazy note, I no longer dislike my body or its parts, and I'd say that's a huge step forward. My legs are actually looking pretty good and they used to be the target of my negative self thinking, or at least the biggest (no pun intended) focus. My legs were weirdly disproportionate to my body, and I had the whole cankle thing going on-now I can see my quad muscles coming out, I noticed a bump close to my knee and realized it's actually muscle! Anyway, crazy thinking on the way out, positive thinking on the way in-yay!
The point about the numbers is, whatever reason I'm up that much has nothing to do with fat and I know it. I'm struggling big time again with this sickness (real not mental) and my throat is killing me, ears hurting, glands swollen. I'm still going to attempt to work out today, I think it won't hurt and if I feel too badly I'll wait yet another day though I don't want to.

Thursday, October 12, 2006

Cardio did not happen. In fact, getting up early did not happen-last night when I laid on the bed it was as if I couldn't move, my husband literally rolled me around to put the covers on. The wall was hit and it continued on this morning. Sleep took priority this morning and that is fine, I'll just make up the workout tomorrow on top of upper body weights or workout on free day. Despite my heaping servings of chock full of sodium spaghetti last night, I'm only up half a pound. Of course that makes me a pound and a half up from last week which sucks, I tried to hold it together while we were away. Ahh well, onward right?

Wednesday, October 11, 2006

PMS has hit with a vengeance. I only had a small bit to allot for dinner out of my day's calories and I promptly ate two large bowls of spaghetti with turkey italian sausage in it and lots of parmesan cheese. The first bowl was a bit too much and I went back for more. Heartburn ensued and so I started thinking chai tea made with skim milk. After discovering the box to be empty I tore into a tin of gingerbread cocoa, found that it was so damn old I couldn't even budge a spoonful. It might have been 6 yrs old, come to think of it-IN TO THE TRASH. End result: honey vanilla chamomille tea made with skim milk and splenda. Delish.
I had a great workout this morning, legs shook at random all day and I'm feeling the ache right now. Cardio tomorrow. I'm not sure why I go crazy every time I get evidence that I've really made progress. Frustration.
Three morning workouts in a row. This is not my beautiful house, how did I get here? No really, it's been fine-I get up around when Hubby and our little guy get up and straight into my workout clothes. I think that's part of the key here, also-knowing I only have to walk out into the garage to workout instead of getting in my car and driving 15 minutes to the gym.
Today was a lower body lifting session, and I can see already I'm going to have to become more organized in order for this to not be a huge pain in the ass. The bench I bought has a leg extension/hamstring attachment that you put a stack on and I was excited about that. Not so much the extensions as I try and protect my knees now, but the hamstring curl in particular. Well the way it is set up, you can't fully curl because there is a preacher curl arm stand in the way. It looks as if I can take that off at whim, but since Hubby put it together I'm not exactly sure how. I checked the instructions on assembly and that is probably the worst instruction manual evah. The bar collar things still completely suck, I know they need to be able to keep the weights on there but damn are they hard to open and get down the bar. I'm learning.
I'm thinking I also need to get a little notebook and record my sets so I know where I'm at without taxing my superb memory. Riiiiight.
I tried again to do a 5 minute warm up on the elliptical and AGAIN it completely kicked my ass on anything other than level 1. What the hell? It's as hard as it was back when I smoked and first started working out-several years ago. I guess it's got a lot to do with the stride and the fact that I've been sick for weeks now and still dealing with allergy crap.
John Reid is sick, poor little thing. Listening to him breathe is breaking my heart, and I wish he could blow his own nose so I didn't have to wrangle him down and use the suction bulb. It's like cat herding, surely that burns calories?

Tuesday, October 10, 2006

Fear started eating me up, fear that even though the new exercise equipment was out in the garage I would not use it, I'd make excuses and still half ass it along, and it would be a waste. We got it Wednesday night and had zero time to put it together before leaving for OKC Saturday morning bright and early. It's a little over a 3 hr drive to get there and so after driving up Saturday morning and back home Sunday afternoon, not to mention getting very little rest though we had a great time, I was practically delirious coming home. It didn't matter, I marched my butt outside and started sweeping the garage floor, cut the box open, and started trying to pull stuff out to assemble the elliptical myself. Hubby came outside and grumped about wanting to relax and to put it together with me instead of me alone doing it, and I told him to go back inside if he wanted to rest but I was not stopping. We got it together that night (Sunday) and yet I still did not use it. Yesterday morning's workout was powered by sheer will, I got out there and did an upper body workout and enjoyed the new bench and weights, though it was still like slogging through quicksand. Lots of sitting and staring into space, and the collars for the bars hurt my hands to open them which was highly frustrating. I didn't give up though and this morning my upper body is sore. I got up early, got dressed immediately to workout, and sat around for a long time yesterday, but I did it. This morning I put the same clothes back on because I didn't even sweat in them (I said I sat around a lot) and went out there, watched the View, and did 20 minutes on the elliptical. I had to stop multiple times, on LEVEL ONE (ACK) and my chest burned the whole time. I guess it is more accurate to say I did about 17 minutes, I finally decided I had done my best and felt like I was going to die. I think it's the allergies that have been haunting me, the HR monitor said 85-94 bpm, but the counters on the screen were all crazy so I have to read the book to figure it out. It said only 40 calories for the whole time and the ones at the gym say around 170 or more.
I've been at a point where cooking sounds like torture, and I'm sick of it. Considering I cook every single day for myself and my family this has been hard, this feeling. Hubby grilled a ton of different lean meats weekend before last and I made some squash with sauteed onions, and I ate that all week. It was awesome. I also had him buy some lean cuis1nes, even though I usually eschew frozen dinners and it is so nice to just pop it in the micro. I just ate salmon with a lemon dill sauce, pasta, and veggies, fuji apple for dessert. I recommend that particular dinner, it was delicious and 4.5 pts of 240 cals, whatever your mode is.
Alright, I have more to say, about shopping this last weekend in particular, and my disconnect between my actual size and what I think about myself, but Microbiology and Chem II await.

Thursday, October 05, 2006

I mentioned spurning the scale again, and of course that has not happened as of yet. This is due to not being able to start working out heavily yet, and so I stepped on this morning because I felt thinner, and yes I am now down to 144, lowest weight ever recorded in the history of man. My BMI is healthy and has been for a little while, and yet my bodyfat percentage is still way higher than I would like. I think it's because I seem to have a lot more belly fat this go 'round after having our baby. My waist would always get smaller before when I would try and workout and eat properly and this time, not so much. It's funny how hormones can change our body compositions so much. It was always my thighs before, and now its my stomach (okay and still my lower body, but less so.)
So yeah, I go off the chain completely and BAM four days back on program and I'm at a new number. One day after my official weigh in, I'm down a pound and a half from last month's number, which just goes to show you how ridiculous the number thing is, and even though I don't want to think about it, that could very well be partially muscle mass. Argh. Today I am not thinking that way though, no-today I am being positive about what I have and forging ahead in all areas of my life. Damn right.

Wednesday, October 04, 2006

I did it. I loaded up the Boobah, went to Sports Author1ty, and bought free weights, and adjustable bench, and a gym quality elliptical machine!!!
Holy shit.
So I had coffee this morning. After mentally struggling yesterday and drinking herbal tea instead and feeling like crap all day and even skipping class for the first and last time, I went to bed at 8:30 again and slept much too much and I got up, walked in here, and headed straight for the Nesc@fe and kettle. I hate the idea that I am attached to something and that despite my best efforts it gives me headaches if I miss one day, and yet I am thinking trying to go off it during school time that I need to be up and alert until way past my preferred bedtime is probably one of the dumbest things I've attempted.
On the topic of weightloss: I mentioned a while back that I was switching to fitness instead of weight loss as a focus, and I trundled along and made no comprehensive explanation of that, and in fact went somewhere far away brain wise. I'm coming back because I've finally effectively beat my brain about, lost my confidence, been sick, and now I'm starting again.
Official month later weigh in: 146. Last weigh in: 145.5
In case clarification is needed, that is not muscle but rather flabby flab flab. I've avoided mentioning numbers because I don't want to be looked upon as someone that needs to shut the hell up, the thin girl that complains about her ass, etc. I have never been hugely obese but I have been the biggest girl through years of school, picked on etc. (I don't think that ever leaves you totally) and then somewhere around the age of 18 or 19 I started packing it on, the exact number is vague and unknown because I was a big avoider and had never tried to do anything about my weight before. When I was 17 I remember going to the gyno for an exam an weighing in at 151 and being fine with that, and my mother thinking that was way too high. I thought she needed to get a grip. I am roughly 5'7" so while 151 is not "ideal" (put in quotes for a reason) it's definitely just fine. She would be horrified if I told her that memory as she would never dream of acting like that now, I'm not sure why she thought it was acceptable then.
Anyway...I digress. I must have been somewhere in the 180s, possibly a bit higher before my first stab at losing weight. I knew absolutely nothing, and when I asked my sometimes critical mother how she stayed so slim? Her answer: I drink a lot of water. THANKS, that was so helpful. The store she worked at sold stuff called Melt !t, which was basically the same as the other more famous stuff that I can't think of the name now-you ate nothing three hrs before taking it and you took it going to bed. Tasted awful, but I lost 5 lbs taking it and changing nothing else. In my mind I changed nothing but reality is I wasn't eating cheese fries at 2am every night anymore. Becoming a tech really put my eating/sleeping habits in the crapper, along with being poor and sometimes eating nothing else besides various Ramen noodle concoctions. Come to think of it I lost a little bit before and then lost the five with that but I couldn't tell you how I did it.
I joined gyms off and on from '99 onward but never went regularly enough. It all seemed too hard-I always got put on the stair climber thing, and not even the one with the revolving stairs but the really cardio intense thing with the two pedals you step back and forth upon-I still hate that machine. My cardio endurance has always been crap, as a child I was always the chubby red faced kid at the end of the class that would come straggling in during the fitness challenge bullshit. The shitty gym teacher wouldn't even wait on me, they'd all be back inside when I would come up feeling like puking and miserable beyond words with embarrassment. Wow, I still hate her, thanks for giving me such a crap idea of what exercise had to be like.
I'm a chatty kathy today eh? This is getting way too long, there's so much more to say...okay so I got rid of the last horribly bad for me boy, then started hitting the gym regularly around the same time but maybe a bit before, that I met me current hubby. I would do 3 full body workouts with circuit weight machines and 5 days of cardio, jumping from machine to machine doing ten minutes on each. So 30 min on weight training days and 45 min on days with no weights. I changed that to coming home and wogging intervals with our dog on the 45 minute days. This was not always perfect or consistent but I made real progress and I think back to that now and it makes me tired. I went from who knows what size down to a slim and trim 10 and yet because the scale never changed past 160, I thought it wasn't working. HOW FRICK FRACKING STUPID. Grr, makes me mad, and it makes me mad that I still pander to this way of thinking. Long winded story short, I'm about to go back to that way of life, more lax on food and kicking ass on exercise. I can cut before shorts/swimsuit weather hits again and hopefully help my poor metabolism and muscle mass out a bit. I'm afraid to start that until I have daily access to workout equip. though and with our one yr old that has been so hard. So, fitness, shape, clothes fitting, and no more obsession with the scale. I didn't even own a damn scale and no matter how tempting that is I'm not sure if I could get rid of this one now. Hmm. It's a thought.

Tuesday, October 03, 2006

Day 3 with no coffee:
Sunday was the AIDS walk and with rushing around and trying to get there on time, I skipped my morning cup-when it's so hot outside that's not hard for me to do. So I suffered with an incredibly crappy headache which I chalked up to dehydration but later realized was caffeine related. Monday I thought, well I've already dealt with the headache, I might as well see this out...BUT DAMN I WANT SOME COFFEE!!!
I snuck back on the scale this morning instead of waiting for my official day tomorrow, and I am up a pound from a month ago. Normally that would be muchos malos, but considering the amount of crap I've eaten, just in the last week or two alone, I am very happy with that. When I told my mom I ate donuts, kelaches, funnel cake, cheese enchiladas with a michilada to drink, she almost fell out of her chair, literally. That was in one day, oh and then cookie dough ice cream for dessert. Sheesh.
Back on track, kicking ass until we go to OKC to see the fam and Hubby's friends. Is it wrong that I want to look fabulous when we see all of these people? Most of them saw me either pregnant or not long post preggers. It's not the number one thing on my mind, but it would be nice.
Upper body workout today, tomorrow yoga or cardio or...BOTH.

Monday, October 02, 2006

My husband, son and I participated in our first 5k charity walk yesterday, a first for me and the kiddo at least. Hubby I believe has been in fun runs, etc. before but it had been years. Even though this wasn't really a race, and I only saw a few people jogging up front, it was one of the best feelings I have ever had to raise money for a cause, and then walk 3.6 miles in 95 degrees with a crazy heat index and humidity. Could I have done without the humidity/insane heat? Of course, I even got a bit sick from it, but it felt good to be part of a crowd of good hearted, determined people. This has inspired me to do more of the same, I need to look around and find something soonish. I feel like such an ass because I've had it in my head that I need to able to run before doing this type of event. Would it have felt absolutely amazing to run it? YES. However, me and running? not the best of friends, and I've been missing out on this concrete form of accomplishment, with built in reward of t-shirt and St@rbucks coupons.
I've been considering stopping. Stopping blogging, stopping my reading of other blogs, stopping even my efforts to be a better, healthier, and yes-HOTTER me. I just play at these thoughts though, I'm taking a bit of a relax at the moment but I know myself, and I know I'll be back on to this adventure and will be wanting a plan. When I go balls out again it will be BFL. Hubby says a good set of free weights, bench, maybe smith machine and an elliptical plus stair master are in our future, and with all that at my fingertips maybe I can finally stop fucking around, you know? Sooo, I'm back. Back to posting, reading, and striving to achieve greatness (or more of the same, since I am a badass and all.)