Wednesday, May 30, 2007

I've been in a damned weird place mentally and I'm not entirely sure that I'm back. I thought about abandoning this page, mainly because I was thinking about abandoning my endeavor to be thinner. Note I did not say stronger, never thought about ditching that but after spending a weekend like I used to, drinking beer and eating what I wanted, it felt so good. Then Monday rolled around and I felt sick from all the "good fun" I was having and I woke up. Ha! Anyway, sometimes I am human just like everyone else and I get sick to death of all my responsibilities, the thing is...taking care of my body is not one that I can just decide to drop. It's not like washing clothes or loading the dishwasher. I no longer want to go back to my old ways but it was tempting for once.
I seem to have two people inside rather than one whole person. One person is very Type A and takes care of everything right on time all the time and eats perfectly and works out regularly without fail and is also very snippy and uptight and not someone I would want to hang out with, *frown. The other me is very easy going and fun and dangerous to my health, and I just want to combine the two and leave out the snippiness and impatience.
Working on that, in the mean time I'm detoxing and deflating after my tour de debauchery. I went for a walk last night by myself and must have really been bookin' it because I burned just as many calories as I do on the elliptical, and let me tell you I enjoyed it a hell of a lot more because I actually felt like I was getting somewhere instead of hanster wheelin' it.
Sorry I haven't commented, I've read when I could and Kada if you read this, enjoyed the excerpt a lot!
That's all I have for today.

Monday, May 21, 2007

Wow sorry to leave it hanging on such a downer post. I was out of town all weekend, but am back now and will catch up on everyone asahp (as soon as humanly possible). Starting day 12 today, did not make it past 11 am on Saturday, my MIL's house is kryptonite for me and I wish I would have made it but I did not. I'll explain later.

Thursday, May 17, 2007

Apparently I lost a day somewhere, this is actually 10 and I'm holding on by the skin of my teeth. It's hard to not stuff depression with food.
Going to bed early, surely tomorrow will be better.
Day 9: chugging along. Had workers here most of the day replacing the back door jam and putting guttering on the back as well. I've worked pretty hard around the house and gotten my school work for the day finished.
I wanted to get some serious exercising in today but I've had to up my dose again and if I thought I was fuzzy yesterday...DAMN. I just want to take a nap but Number One Toddler of the World is waking up now so there goes that. He has been absolutely awful lately and I am ready for my sweet boy to come back.
Typing is difficult, my fingernail beds are sore from pulling weeds and picking up bricks and such, so I'll cut this short.
If the fog lifts I'm going to hop on the elliptical later and tomorrow is definitely lifting day, I'll get that done before I take the extra pill. Food still on track but I think that intial progress has stalled somewhat due to not a lot of exercise. I am trying!

Wednesday, May 16, 2007

Day 8 was touch and go, I spent the majority of the day at my mother's which is always a danger zone. She eats pretty well but is a big carb snacker like chips and popcorn and crackers and for some reason I always have a hard time around all that. I thought I had completely over done it on the eating but when I actually thought about it on the way home I didn't really, I think I just felt that way because I was out of my element and it was not the typical stuff I would eat.
We also went for about a 20 minute walk, something we've talked about doing together since she left my dad and moved here about a yr and a half ago, so I was proud of doing that on two fronts. She wasn't feeling well but soldiered through it, I wish that her health problems would retreat so she could get back to being more fit and active like she was when she moved here. She walked everyday and had her own little routine she did at their house and then her apt and we even emailed each other encouragement for awhile. Her shoulder locked up for no apparent reason, unknown to doctors why it happens, and she had to do physical therapy for a long time before it was even usable really and now she's had intestinal cramping and pain for months and once again no answer why.
Anyway, the last few mornings I've woken up feeling like a big truck ran over me and I am exhausted right now. Not sure what is going on but I am really missing being MY active self, the diet is going great but I am now one of those people that NEEDS to exercise or I don't feel good about myself or happy in general. I plan on walking quite a bit today and getting some yard work done, toddler permitting. He is being a real pill today and I am wondering why I canceled his Wed. daycare. Bah.

PS thanks for the comments, my brain feels really fuzzy and this was hard to write so I don't really have anything to add right now. Sorry...I hate feeling like this!

Monday, May 14, 2007

Day 7 Check In:
I have stayed "on plan" (hate typing that but well, it is apt) for seven days now and exTREMEly pleased with this fact. And beyond the seven day thing, I survived a weekend with the Husband's family and stood my ground despite frowns, badgering, and supposedly hurt tones. Get off my ass about eating the dessert you made, good GOD. Here is the MOST important part: I do not feel deprived one.little.bit. I feel very scientific, logical, and focused which is how I operate best and I can already see many changes. My arms are more defined which is one of my major goals, my ankles are not swollen, my jewelry is loose and comfortable and the squidgy bags under my arms and around my bra strap are pretty much gone. I feel really good, I just need to get back to more exercise, I actually have more time right now. Not that I've been slacking too hard, hard weights workout Friday and swam for about an hr off and on Sunday. Nothing today but I spent the day driving to/from my grandma's and visiting her, so it was time well spent.
I'm really doing this. *pinches self

Friday, May 11, 2007

Planks will definitely need to be moved to non lifting days, my shoulders are toast and they give out before my abs. I thought I'd be smart and use the timer on the microwave to see how long I could last and so I set it for a min and six seconds and quickly ran over and got into position, only I forgot to take off my socks and the floor is slick because I just washed it yesterday. I felt like a cartoon character when they try and skid around corners! Also on the agenda, agility work; see, you just set up a gym in your garage and wait for wasps to come hang out in the summer and you spend your workout giving the stink eye to anything that buzzes and darting around all agile and stuff with Killer Death Spray. Bastard hid from me but I know he's out there.
For the record there has not been another wasp sighting since last time I wrote about it, and the garage is nice and cool with the box fan going. Check back in when it's over a 100 degrees in the shade for weeks on end, but right now? Still loving it, I think it was important for me to dedicate a complete space to taking care of my body, when I had my dumbbells and yoga mat just sitting around in the house I had a tendency to ignore them, plus it is awesome having a weight bench and a better weight set with an actual barbell, the ottoman was pretty crappy in comparison.
I've found that when I treat my endeavors like something to apologize for to the rest of the world, I am only doing myself a disservice. I'm not going to eat badly when I don't even want to just so others don't think I'm weird and I am not going to make jokes about exercising, because I really don't feel that way and if I don't fit in, well hell! what's new?

Thursday, May 10, 2007

Check in for yesterday and today:
Sorry no update yesterday, had my final and then spent the rest of the day feeling under the weather. Yes, I-the only person sick this much on the face of the planet-woke up with a sore throat again, the same exact feeling I had before I got so badly ill recently. It's still hanging about today but I've managed to get some things done despite it.
Day 2 was a success, no intentional exercise but I stuck perfectly to my eating plan and went to bed a bit early. Today I have not only stuck to the eating plan but also vac'd the entire house and washed the kitchen floor by hand, as well as all of the cabinet faces. A threw in a little bit of yoga/Pilates while playing with our son in his room, he thinks it's funny and tries to climb on me the whole time.
Nothing close to what I have been doing for exercise but I'm not feeling well and I am doing SOME thing so I am happy with it. I feel very pleased with myself right now and I'm not ashamed of that feeling, I don't always have it.
Of course because I've stuck to my convictions for three days I expect miraculous results. I do have to say I went through some bad digestive business right off the bat and the unsightly swelling I had noticed in my ankles is gone. My wedding ring and watch are spinning, something I tend to associate with weight loss because I notice those each time I start dropping fat.
I'm semi obsessing over the idea that I may lose some of the hard fought muscle I just developed but of course I won't be stopping on the lifting front and I am not eating too low of a caloric amount. What I thought was around 1200 calories before is actually more in the 1350-1500 range, which is perfectly acceptable as long as it is a cycle and not the rest of your life. I believe I've been eating a pretty high tally the last 5 months or so, which is why I've lost no fat and was able to add the muscle, at least I think so. I'll probably do that again after I cut some of this unwanted fluff, the fat under my arms and on my back around my bra strap is back too much for comfort, can't hide those pretty muscles!
The class that ate Manhattan is over and I earned a B, something I am very pleased with as well. I'm used to all A's but with this class and this professor, I could dance a jig.
OH! Speaking of jigs, that's something else I've been doing lately. We just got a cheesy station in this area that is geared towards music to make you dance for exercise, stuff like Salt n Peppa and Wild Thang, haha! We have little dance parties, the two of us and sometimes with Husband when he gets home from work.
Enough for now, positive thoughts to you all.

Tuesday, May 08, 2007

Check in:
Stuck to planned out food all day, ate at Subway for lunch with Mama and made good choices, and went for a 1.25 mile walk after dinner with the family.

I don't know if I have ever been this focused, I'm sure I have but the key is to keep that feeling going.

No worries, I'm not permanently going anywhere, just hard to write when your head is all muddled. I've always hated trying to recount things after they've already happened, it never comes out right for me.
Here are some things happening though: I am tired of faffing about with this body fat I've been trying to dislodge for several years now. In my mind, I do everything correctly but upon closer examination, well that is bullshit. I will do everything "right" for a few days or even a week, then get thrown off track, and start over...and over...and over. Admittedly I am much fitter and more knowledgeable but I am not where I want to be and I am not going to be if I flit around all willy nilly like I have been. I now know that I can live like a "normal" person quite well, I've worked through a lot of issues (that I created through bad dieter behavior I might add) and am ready to finish the job and get on with it. If I am honest about my goals I have not reached them and am not satisfied with saying, "ah well, it's good enough."
So what's next? Drastic measures no, but consistency yes, and 100% effort, yes. I have told myself that I was doing that but it is just not so. I am capable of doing amazing things if I set my mind to it, and so I have.
Weight training is my favorite workout because of how it makes me feel and yes, also because of how it makes me look. I feel strong, powerful, tough after I lift heavy, especially when I am steadily increasing the amounts (the only way to go in my opinion and experience.) An old favorite of mine is, "Do cardio to look good in your clothes and lift weights to look good naked." Ha! Okay but it's true. If naked isn't your thing then think about bathing suits or let's just focus on the huge one of feeling strong, powerful, in control.
I've had great success doing a full body, hardcore workout once a week. I have increased weight amount pretty much each time (so I know I am making gains in muscle and stability) and I'm trying new lifts and learning all the time. Last week I decided two full body workouts would be better, based off things I was reading (always a pitfall for me, I read a LOT of fitness/nutrition info and tend to take on what makes sense to me, regardless of whether I NEED to change what I am doing). Well two workouts was not a good idea, I was not mentally rested enough to be pumped to do it (very important for me) and the next day I was hardly sore, except for in my lower back. DANGER DANGER Will Robinson, that is NOT where I need to be sore, especially when I didn't really experience any soreness elsewhere. On the plus side I did have soreness in my pecs which has been missing, I definitely need to increase the weight on flyes. That was really the only bonus I got from that extra workout. Lesson learned: if it is not broken, don't fix it. I reserve the right to change my workout plan when it becomes apparent that I need to, my body does adjust pretty well to what I ask of it, but that is another beauty to weight lifting! Increasing the weight challenges your body anew each time and trying different lifts is fun and effective.
I will be focusing on making cardio fun and hitting my weekly lifting HARD. Cardio is my most hated activity but I love getting better at it and it does make me feel good, and let's not forget the fat burning benefit of intervals.
Eating is being reigned in, I will be tracking it (though not cals at this point) and cutting this bodyfat for good. I've been kidding myself for a long time and after recently being very frustrated and getting my feelings hurt (not worth going into right now)I know what I need to and I am excited to do it. To each their own, this is not something to drag me down, and after making this decision and starting to act on it already, I feel better than I have in a long, long time. I do a lot of thinking about things basically and so I feel exhausted like I have been working really hard and yet I don't get results. See what I happens? I get the mental fatigue but don't bring the action so I feel cheated because where the hell are my results damnit!!??
Time to take action.
I'll be updating daily and making an effort to increase my commenting on other pages. I do read almost daily but several of you guys I have to open IE to comment and for some reason that deters me. Yet again part of the thinking and not taking action thing.
Wish me luck, this time is the last time I start over.

Monday, May 07, 2007

Sorry, still been sick and taking exams right now, and I'm in sort of a weird head space right now. Be back as soon as possible.