Thursday, June 28, 2007

Kada honey, I can't comment on your page-in firefox I've always had a problem so I open IE briefly, just for you and Dynamo, but now I can't even get to the comments link in IE.
So, I'll just say here, proud of you for taking steps to better your life(psyche) and I think you should focus on the positive steps you are taking and I am your friend, even if I'm just on the Internet, way over here in Texas. Email me anytime.
Comments from the posts before the new one have been answered IN the comments again. love!

Wednesday, June 27, 2007

Yesterday was my husband's thirtieth birthday and we went to dinner and a movie. Sounds lame for childless folks but we never get to go to movies anymore and dinner is sometimes spent with bated breath hoping the tired toddler will not erupt. Not to be misleading, our Boy is actually a very good dinner guest most of the time, but the times he is not...yeah. Pictured here is our appetizer, a dragon roll.

It even has ears or something and it tasted lovely. The place was sort of Asian fusion I suppose...I had macadameia nut encrusted chicken with a miso cream sauce and papaya relish, white cheddar mashed potatoes and wok tossed veggies. Unbelievably good, and I asked for the cream sauce on the side and just forked a little out on the chicken. It went along with eating for health and I enjoyed it. The veggies were insanely tasty and made me want one at home but Im sure they add something to make it awesome. The place was called Khona Grill (I believe) and had these cool umbrella lights hanging from the ceiling, very flattering glow, *wink.

We then went to see the F@ntastic F0ur movie and I am not trying to detract from Jessic@ Alb@, but she was painfully thin and looked so fragile. She looked absolutely beautiful, don't misunderstand, but very barbie doll like and like she could fall threw a sewer grate. Great movie though, but only if you like comic book movies, which I do.
And here is my outfit for the birthday night:
Those heels are about four inches (and zebra print) but I managed to walk around quite a bit, and if I took off my shoes during the movie and massaged the bottoms a bit, no one is the wiser. You can't really see if well but the top is corset style and has ribbons pulled tight under the bust and tied. The skirt I just bought and am in love, it swings when I walk and is lined so it feels very twirly. I also just got the green leather bag and I'm super happy about it all, I finally visited TJ M@xx and got all this great stuff for wonderful prices.
I need to post about how things are going, it feels magical, and effortless, and I feel like, "Why did I not figure this out a long time ago?"

Sunday, June 24, 2007

Good Lord I am sore. I finally got a lifting session in Friday, and thought maybe something was wrong because it only took me thirty minutes, but in reality I worked harder than I usually do. I burned 330 calories in around 33 minutes and what I had considered a good workout was 400 something in 45 to an hr, so you do the math because it is too early.
We then went to some friends' for the day yesterday and I spent the day running after wee ones and swimming. I actually swam instead of standing in the water like everyone else and I think I got some decent activity in and it felt good to glide through the water and to spin in circles.
I now feel sure I have hit upon what clicks in MY brain. I would still eat badly or drink when it was geared towards not getting fat again. I knew that in reality doing that here and there or even a little each week would only be a temporary blip on the weight loss radar, yet when I approach every single thing I do with the question of, "would my body like this, am I taking care of my good friend that makes life worth living?" I don't eat badly at all or have the desire to. It may be just calling it a different name but I don't think so. Knowing how the body truly works (I've taken a LOT of biology courses now) has changed how I view the wonder that is the human body completely. It is an absolutely amazing machine and I am not abusing it anymore.
I think this new nerve med is working and I am so excited that I might feel like a normal woman again. It is also much more friendly than the previous med that I wasted time with, when I first wake up I feel completely put under, but if I get up and get moving, no problem really.
So two workouts, eating is going well, freaky woman troubles under control or at least on their way: life is good.

Thursday, June 21, 2007

I'm a thinker. Sometimes it takes me awhile to puzzle out the truth behind all the muck I have to wade through, you know, with all that thinking I do. Ha! Anyway, I decided that dieting was the big evil boogity boo that made me feel bad, but in reality I think following a food plan with the intent of being thin, rather than healthy like I told myself, was the problem. Don't get me wrong, I never did unhealthy things like taking pills or starving myself or whatever, but bottom line is when I ate my 4-5 serves of veggies and limited simple carbs like bread or chips or whatever, it was with my weight and appearance in mind. Being healthy was sort of a side effect, and yes something I celebrated. Here's the thing, I feel at peace since my wake up of my father in law's health scare/disaster. Update on that: he is now getting an angiogram on his heart because it looks all wonky and is leaking fluid. Take care of yourself people, skinny or fat! It sucks all the way around that it took this to slap me in the face, but sometimes that is the way it works. So I am truly asking myself in every situation I run into, whether it's fixing lunch, getting enough sleep, or taking stairs instead of the wheelchair ramp, if it is the best choice for my body and health. My wonderful father in law was one of those people that carried a lot of weight around the middle but lost a ton of it by simply eating canned soups for lunch instead of going out to eat everyday, though they still ate out at night most of the time. Being a man (bastard, KIDDING) he lost weight and kept on eating donuts and bullshit left and right, because HEY not fat over here so who cares about veggies? So anyway, now I am focusing on health and my body size and weight will be the side effect. A variation on the live as the person you want to be kind of thing. If I live as a healthy person, I should reflect that choice and if I never get to a smaller size, so be it.
I may post what I eat here and there because I think I do need accountability and a food plan (somewhat) if I want to truly take the best care of myself that I can. If that bores anyone, please look away.
And further more, when I go to the in laws' various functions, they can stuff it when they hassle me about what I eat. I am going to simply tell them, "This is the choice I am making for myself and it has not reflection on any choice any one else makes, so please let me be." If all hell breaks loose, so be it, and of course I'll run back and tell you about it. Ha!
Damn, I'm tired with all the thinking. No, if that were true I'd be exhausted all the time because I do seem to yammer incessantly, even if it is to myself a lot of the time.
I wanted to lift today but I started a new med (for my nerve pain issues) and I can tell it will be better than the last one that I took myself off of, but it is kicking my ass right now in the adjustment period. I also got my period, SEGUE! So, there you go...want to get back to regular exercise, it's part of who I am now, but I may just need to be patient with getting used to this.
Note: I answered comments IN the comments this time. Just fyi. More later...

Wednesday, June 20, 2007

Found out late last night that my father in law (technically his step-dad but we count him more than the natural one) has diabetes, his blood sugar was 320!!! and one of his kidneys had completely atrophied. More news this morning, not only completely atrophied but covered with cysts and the other kidney is infected and has a stone so large it will have to be removed surgically. I did not sleep well.
What a wake up call to quit being silly and to take are of myself and my family and to be true to what I believe in rather than pursuing this half assed notion of being "normal" again. Fuck being normal, I think I'd rather be an abnormal health nut.

Tuesday, June 19, 2007

Alright the insanity has to stop some time right? I ate so much macaroni n' cheese today that I am having severe stomach cramps. I think I forgot to mention that this was not out of the box, powdery orange pasta type stuff-this was made by a chef and I am sure is full of cream, buttery, and lots of full fat cheese. Delicious but I felt sick as soon as I went back and scooped two more portions out on my plate, then proceeded to scarf it all even though my body started fussin' about halfway through. This is leftover from my husband's birthday weekend and is also accompanied by sausage lasagna made by the same lady. I am not touching another morsel, mark my words. Not because I am not good enough to eat it, not because it will make me gain weight back, no...because it is literally too rich to eat much of it. My goodness. And the thing that makes me mad is I was fully aware the whole time what I was doing was not a good choice and I did it anyway. I have a history of that-drinking too much, foolin' around with ne'er do wells, taking illegal substances in my younger days...bah. And the thing is, enjoyable while it is going on but hell to pay afterwards and I DO mean it when I say, "never again" but somehow never gets twisted to, "maybe just once more."
I am feeling sluglike, I am not feeling like myself and I don't know how to get back to that girl. Any "action plan" I form vaguely in my head doesn't come to fruition. It's close to 100 degrees outside and extremely humid, and I can stand out in the sun for a few minutes before declaring to myself that I am meeeelllllting. I hate Texas summers. The end.
So to get back on track I need to workout everyday and I need to cook a lot more and have stuff readily made that is not mac n' lard or heart attack lasagna. Bah.
Life is hectic right now, I'll write more when I can.

Friday, June 15, 2007

Wow! Thank you so much for the beyond nice comments on my picture. That is something else I've been thinking about, I think most women (at least those that I know) are not happy with photographs of themselves, but do we really put any effort into trying to change that? What I mean is I think if you take different shots of your self, especially your face, you can figure out what angles. etc. look best but I for one have always felt too self conscious to do so. It's that fear I've mentioned before of seeming to be full of myself or like I am "bragging", the same fear that keeps me from truly being proud of all the things I've accomplished. Truth is others may think just that, that I'm a braggert, etc. if I take ownership of things that I SHOULD be proud of or that I should at least acknowledge, but that doesn't matter. What does matter is I am kinder to myself, that I am not afraid of being strong or "too much" sometimes, because in reality that is who I am and the greater crime is how I tend to "dumb down" in so many aspects to be accepted. I have punished myself needlessly trying for this physical ideal, thinking then I could be fearlessly outspoken on fitness/nutritional topics for example. People look at me as if I must be talking out of my ass because I'm not a size 2 or they see me eating cheese fries and drinking beer. I have enough self imposed perfectionism and I don't need anyone else's, thank you. I see some pictures of myself and like them, but more often I hate the face I am making or the angle or you name it and I think if I will quit being afraid of so-called self absorption, and take steps to make friends with the camera, then more times than not I can be happy with what I see. Models spend years perfecting posing, etc. and yet the average woman thinks something is wrong with her if the image in the photograph isn't a great one.
Our outsides are just a facet of who we are, but it doesn't necessarily have to mean we are vapid or silly for learning to put our best foot forward.
I feel like I'm not communicating properly but I don't think I'll hit the backspace and erase it all.
Once again, your comments really made my day and made me look at myself in a different perspective, I plan on posting more pictures of myself, my family and the people and places I live with/around while I explore who I am further.

Thursday, June 14, 2007

Just so you can put a face to my babbling. My mom and I laid on the couches in the living room and made silly faces and took self portraits. I look tan. I am not.
Being sick is no fun to talk about and even less fun to deal with, but today I seem to be on my way finally to being better. I ALMOST slept through the night last night and have only coughed periodically today. Normal daily activity (which for me is quite a lot being a mom and student, etc) is completely wiping me out so no workouts yet though I am itching to get back to it. We're discussing muscle in my anatomy class and I found myself daydreaming during lecture about really busting ass-knowing the science behind stuff really allows my inner geek to blossom.
I've been doing great on body image and self acceptance, eating "normally" etc. but I'm getting some anxiety about this weekend, having to wear a bathing suit in front of Hubby's snotty friends and critical family. Meh. The thing is if I really examine this anxiety there's not much to base it on...they may notice I'm squishier and then guess what...they'll immediately move on to something else. They DON'T CARE, I project that on to them I think. What a waste of time, maybe I should be worrying more about what cool stuff I can talk about, though I hate to admit these aren't exactly intellectuals I'll be dealing with...
So I'm flabby from not working out and being sick and now I'm plunging head first into a Weekend of Food and Drinking, I'll not be refusing anything but I will be ONLY eating as much as I want of what I want and the food pushers can kiss my newly rounded ass.

Friday, June 08, 2007

Having a fabulous time, surprise surprise there is internet access here (wasn't last time I was here) and I am pretty dang sick but I plan on burning that out with some Crown Royal later, ha!
Had an awesome breakfast burrito at Joe's Deli in Vail Village this morning, the sun is shining and its a balmy 50 degrees. Heaven to this heat sensitive Texan. I've taken tons of pictures but did not bring a usb cable or my flash drive cause I thought I would be netless. Le sigh.
Love to all.

Thursday, June 07, 2007

I don't comment on your blogs as often as I should, I feel inadequate at best when I am really struck by something you post. All of you. Marla, many of your posts really strike a cord with me and yet I'm not sure what to say that would be of any worth to the already lovely writing. The post about food pushing especially hit me but I have yet to say anything. And my inspiring Seattle friend Dynamo360, your thinking posts, well they make me think. Ha! So like my own posting, I will strive to stop being frozen from commenting because I DO want you to know I think you rock.
Hamstring is fine now but I started getting miserably sick last night. I feel like the highest frequency germ factory on the planet. Not the ILLEST person by any means as there are so many people dealing with seriously gnarly stuff, but I have persistent crappy colds, allergies, fatigue, etc. I blame Texas. Only half joking here.
Had fucked up dreams last night that I woke up and we were already in Vail and I totally did not remember the flight or the drive which led to panicking wondering if I had drank or taken something. And the mountains were more like molehills and I was so disappointed that I had finally gotten a chance to share them with my mom and then the betrayed me by being hills, and my dad was there with my brother (parents are recently divorced) and there was a repair dude named Clovis working on the water line? He looked like Morgan Freeman.
My throat is super swollen, my voice is hoarse and I feel all woozy. Perfect to go to a high altitude! I told my mom it would be in the 20s at night and she freaked! "Where are you taking me??" haha.
Huge day ahead of me, gotta finish the packing of the suitcase and then get to school then rush to my moms, eat and pick her up and then start the hellish process that is the airport. I hate airports, all of the check points and toll booths and what have you give me extreme anxiety.
Still not dieting, don't think I ever will again. THAT gives me peace.

Tuesday, June 05, 2007

Twanged my left hamstring while lifting-was using light weights(been off the rails for almost 3 weeks so was not able to lift as much, *pout) and being very careful with form.
Icing now and will elevate later, hopefully it heals before my damn MOUNTAIN VACATION. Argh, all that lovely hiking.

Monday, June 04, 2007

I've noticed I am avoiding writing anything anywhere on the 'net 'cause I am overwhelmed with wanting it to be perfect. I've got to stop that or I'll never post anything and will just fade away with words flying around my brain.
What I meant by I would rather people notice me or even admire me for what I achieve rather than what size my pants happen to be. That is such a fleeting, unimportant "achievement", if you think about people that are famous for academics, art, literature, etc. their appearances are not the first thing that comes to mind. Yes, I am sure they are commented on by someone, somewhere considering the humanity wide obsession with looks (or is that just Americans? ha!), but if you invited them to your mid-week soirée to partake of some fine Sam's Club red wine and a cheese tray, they damn sure would have something interesting to talk about. I am an interesting person, I am not delusional or filled with self loathing, but quite frankly when you are in "diet" mode it does consume your thoughts and quite a bit of time. I've explored the idea lately of what happens if I try and stop losing weight, drink some beer, even get a good bit bloated. Guess what? NOTHING. Nothing except some fun materialized and a short term vacation from my own mental weirdness. I'm struggling with self acceptance because I am also a big believer in being the best possible version of one's self and to strive for self improvement. Here's the kicker and why self acceptance needs to happen: I have changed into a person that enjoys nutritious healthy foods and regular exercise and so chilling the fuck out is not going to STOP THE EARTH'S ROTATION. I may not get as thin as I would have liked originally but that is also another magic phenomenon that I am experiencing with my new mental efforts. I never thought stick thin was attractive but I am turned off by just about every picture I see of supposedly "hot" women out there. Way too thin, legs look like they wouldn't be able to support any amount of serious weight and since when did women want to look like boys with buoys strapped to their chests? Just curious. I do think a lean strong body is hot but I also am realizing that my stomach will probably never be truly flat and that is fine. I had a baby, I gained and lost the same 30-40 several times, and through the last few months I have experienced a new level of leanness in my physique and even with barely any skin to pinch on my abdomen it is not flat. Why do I think it should be? I'm not sure and now that I realize that I don't actually care too much. Just shining a bright light on the negative thinking has served to dispel a lot of it. No matter how thin I've gotten it's not what I have in my head as what it should be. I consistently wear a size 8. I'll let that sink my head as well as yours. In what universe is an 8 not thin enough? Not one I want to live in, I can tell you that.
I know part of it comes from always watching my mother be thinner than myself, an 8 is "big" for her and she really only has to half ass it to maintain that weight, so it is right for her-she's not an idiot, she eats normally but is just naturally thinner than I am. That's something else I've bought into, that you don't have a natural weight your body settles into and that if you are just perfect enough in your efforts you will reach this ideal that may not even be remotely right for your own body and health. I don't believe you have to be unhealthy, that genetics just deal out the cards so don't even try...but an 8 is perfectly fine-better than fine and it's asinine to think I'll be happier at a 6 or even a 4. My mother is a 4 now and it's not necessarily the's the fact that she can just eat a little less and not even try that hard and be that size and I can bust my ass literally for years and never get below a certain weight. I feel that I should have by now, so maybe that's yet another reason I need to chill and accept. That's exactly what I am doing, no matter how long it takes me to stop feeling depressed and fearful that I'll get "fat". Eating disordered thinking right there, and not something I am willing to live with ultimately.
So, sluggishly fighting my way to better mental health and finding that middle ground-not crazy dieting behavior but good choices for my HEALTH-truly, not a bullshit platitude when really what I want is the t word. Achieving new heights physically, being able to do pull-ups, push ups, to run, to cycle, to climb things-to be strong.
So with all that time I wasted thinking away calories I'm going to cook more, try new things, call friends, email, post here and elsewhere, finish my son's scrapbook, etc. Also, read LOTS more books, go to museums and we're getting a Canon digital rebel from a friend for a steal and I'm super excited about that. Wonder how many calories are burned from clicking the shutter? KIDDING. I keel myself.
Near future:post about the Mindless Eating book so I can finally get it in the mail. Class started back today and I'm exhausted and I've got a business blog to update for an actual company and I'm taking my mom to Vail for 3 and a half days starting this Thursday.
Lots to talk about, bubbling around in my noggin', but seeing as how I've sat here and tried to talk myself out of going out to the garage and lifting after two weeks off (unheard of), I better go do that instead. Be back later hopefully, lots of great posts in blogland that have me thinking.

Oh and a certain 6am 24 cycle post had a lot to do with inspiring me to get off my tookus. Good for you!

Saturday, June 02, 2007

Instead of hoping people will notice how much I've been working out and that I've lost weight when I see them, I'm going to try and actually have things worthy of talking about and garnering that admiration I apparently want. Just a thought.

Friday, June 01, 2007

I stopped taking the med that was sucking the life out of me and am feeling much more like myself again, and once again have wisened up and returned to eating for health, not mythical thinness. I think I keep going on drives to be thin because I think I need to move forward at all times, and while that is not a bad idea, getting smaller is not necessarily the same thing. I will still do "mini cuts" for no longer than two weeks here and there if I start feeling swollen and toxic, but as far as being hard on myself to get down a size, that's for the birds. Cranky birds no one wants to be around, let alone the bird herself.
So I need a goal to work towards, I dislike working out purely to fit into an ideal that I am not even so sure that I can achieve, no matter how hard I push myself. I used to be so much curvier than I am now and I actually felt much sexier. Not sure how to get back to that in a healthy manner but for now my proposal is to make good choices nutritionally, enjoy indulgences in moderation without guilt, and to focus on being more athletic. That was the best thing a trainer ever said to me at 24 hr fitness, not "Hey you've lost weight" but "You are really looking athletic, good job." That was several years ago and it has stuck with me this long. My mode at that time was eating pretty darned cleanly Mon thru Fri and then drinking beer and eating at least one fried meal on the weekends. Ha! Now there's a diet! No really, I am not endorsing that necessarily but it worked for me. I was also weight training three times a week and running about 3 times a week in the park with our dog. Now she isn't able to even go for a 15 minute walk without needing to go home and rest and she's having a hard time controlling her um, business end so walking or running with her is pretty much non existent.
To do:
Figure out what race/walk/cycling event I want to train for...and try new activities as much as possible. I get into a rut when I am in "weight loss" mode and inevitably "fall off the wagon" because it is boring, it sucks, and is the equivalent to running laps when you forget your gym clothes. Funk dat.

I was tempted to berate myself for yet again see sawing back and forth mentally but I know in my heart this is the right way to live and I guess I need to be kind to myself and understand that it will take probably YEARS to undo the damage I started from dieting. I never had an eating disorder until I started on a certain well known diet plan, and though I don't blame the particular brand, it was dangerous for me to get hooked into behavior involving control and a need for external validation. I never gave a rip what anyone thought of my body before, I had great self esteem...and that is where I am headed now come hell or high water.