Thursday, June 21, 2007

I'm a thinker. Sometimes it takes me awhile to puzzle out the truth behind all the muck I have to wade through, you know, with all that thinking I do. Ha! Anyway, I decided that dieting was the big evil boogity boo that made me feel bad, but in reality I think following a food plan with the intent of being thin, rather than healthy like I told myself, was the problem. Don't get me wrong, I never did unhealthy things like taking pills or starving myself or whatever, but bottom line is when I ate my 4-5 serves of veggies and limited simple carbs like bread or chips or whatever, it was with my weight and appearance in mind. Being healthy was sort of a side effect, and yes something I celebrated. Here's the thing, I feel at peace since my wake up of my father in law's health scare/disaster. Update on that: he is now getting an angiogram on his heart because it looks all wonky and is leaking fluid. Take care of yourself people, skinny or fat! It sucks all the way around that it took this to slap me in the face, but sometimes that is the way it works. So I am truly asking myself in every situation I run into, whether it's fixing lunch, getting enough sleep, or taking stairs instead of the wheelchair ramp, if it is the best choice for my body and health. My wonderful father in law was one of those people that carried a lot of weight around the middle but lost a ton of it by simply eating canned soups for lunch instead of going out to eat everyday, though they still ate out at night most of the time. Being a man (bastard, KIDDING) he lost weight and kept on eating donuts and bullshit left and right, because HEY not fat over here so who cares about veggies? So anyway, now I am focusing on health and my body size and weight will be the side effect. A variation on the live as the person you want to be kind of thing. If I live as a healthy person, I should reflect that choice and if I never get to a smaller size, so be it.
I may post what I eat here and there because I think I do need accountability and a food plan (somewhat) if I want to truly take the best care of myself that I can. If that bores anyone, please look away.
And further more, when I go to the in laws' various functions, they can stuff it when they hassle me about what I eat. I am going to simply tell them, "This is the choice I am making for myself and it has not reflection on any choice any one else makes, so please let me be." If all hell breaks loose, so be it, and of course I'll run back and tell you about it. Ha!
Damn, I'm tired with all the thinking. No, if that were true I'd be exhausted all the time because I do seem to yammer incessantly, even if it is to myself a lot of the time.
I wanted to lift today but I started a new med (for my nerve pain issues) and I can tell it will be better than the last one that I took myself off of, but it is kicking my ass right now in the adjustment period. I also got my period, SEGUE! So, there you go...want to get back to regular exercise, it's part of who I am now, but I may just need to be patient with getting used to this.

6 comments:

lainb said...

I'm a constant thinker too!! My mind is always chattering away. I was actually thinking about that just yesterday--I have a tendency to be quiet sometimes (or so it seems to other people), but to me I'm never quiet because I'm always hearing myself think!

"when I go to the in laws' various functions, they can stuff it when they hassle me about what I eat"...this reminds me of my familiy. I don't know about you, but I HATE it when people comment about what/how much I'm eating. I NEVER comment about other people's eating habits for that very reason--I know how much I hate it so I don't want to spread the annoyance! :)

Dynamo360 said...

I struggle going back and forth about food plan no food plan because my intuitive eating tends to amount to a lot of junk food, lol. :P

When I am on plan I tend to do well but it's like when I was dieting to get thin and the feminist in me was like: who cares about this shit? Now it's goign on a food plan but the feminist in me is like: you should be naturalized about your eating. Enjoy your food...

Ugh... there is always something.

Thanks for the update on the family. God it's a good reminder to me to keep it healthy and not just thin.

Kada said...

Is it just the older in-laws, or the younger ones as well that feel the need to comment? In my life it tends to be the much older relatives that feel the need to reside in the peanut gallery.

Thinking, yeah I over-think and over-talk things. Sometimes I even do my thinking out loud by talking it through. LOL I wonder if that's something that a lot of dieters have in common, the need to think everything to death. Am thinking that would be part of the reason we all come to love the counting and calculating so much.

For me, food plan = diet thinking, mostly. I think(there's that word again) that I'm gonna have to work up some kind of menu though, or stop buying the mixed salad greens from Costco, and try getting them in smaller, more expensive batches as I actually want it. Alaskaboy's gonna kick my arse if I throw out another slimy-yet-hardly-touched container of salad. Thing is, when I buy it, I REALLY want salad, and can picture myself eating it for the rest of the week at intermittent intervals...and then I don't do it.

Hmm, must ponder* this. Am I buying salad because I want to, or is diet thinking for summer trying to rear it's head.

*Just for variety, a fancy-schmancy word for think. HeeHee

Erin said...

Lainb,

Yeah my mind is racing at all times too, but that must makes us cool, right?
My in laws are weird in that they don't monitor how MUCH I eat, I'm familiar with that from my family though. These people are pushers, you can say no three times and they'll still try and get you to eat more or something you don't want. On top of that they are hyper obsessed with their own weight and think anything but thin is terrible and talk about it. Total opposites in behavior. They want to feast like the greeks but remain skinny without visiting the vomitorium. Weirdos! I'll break free now, kthanx. :)

Erin said...

Dynamo and Kada,
When I say food plan I mean focusing on nutrional worth of food but not bothering about what time I eat it or how much etc. In this way my OWN feminists thinking does not rear its head in anger and I know in my heart (good healthy organ that it is!) that I need to do this. I do not believe it is a good idea to eat foods high in saturated fat in large portions even infrequently, and that is what my ID would have me do if left to pick whatever it wants. Maybe not every day, but I would do it much more often than is necessary. Now that my body knows I'm here to take care of it and be kind to it there is no struggle, it is strange...but I'll write more about that in a post.

Erin said...

Kada,

It's the older ones that do the food pushing and the younger ones that do the alcohol pushing, LOL. SO I get it from all sides. On the salad dilemna, I started buying much smaller amounts of a good quality organic romaine and then I wash it, tear it and salad spinner it (I don't think that counts as a verb) and put it in the fridge already waiting. Then I can put it on all my sandwiches that aren't PB and make great big salads too. I will let my salad rot if I do not add lots of tasty "goodies" as my MIL calls them. Two combos I like are red-fat feta crumbles, walnuts, cranberries or fresh strawberries and a lite caesar or italian that is heavy on the basil-other one I put a few oscar meyer bacon bits in, black beans, and basically the same stuff, it varies. I put it in a tupperware with a lid and shake the hell out of it and then all the leaves gets coated with little dressing. I don't like to be overwhelmed by the dressing but also don't fancy myself a rabbit. I also did not naturally crave salad before I started making it really yummy and just forced myself to eat it (and it usually went bad).
I do think most dieters think things to death which is why we usually get overweight (maybe)-analysis paralysis you know. I could plan out what I would do and how much I would lose by X date and yet it didn't happen until I took action. I also second guess myself a lot and I think that sabatoged me too.