Tuesday, June 19, 2007

Alright the insanity has to stop some time right? I ate so much macaroni n' cheese today that I am having severe stomach cramps. I think I forgot to mention that this was not out of the box, powdery orange pasta type stuff-this was made by a chef and I am sure is full of cream, buttery, and lots of full fat cheese. Delicious but I felt sick as soon as I went back and scooped two more portions out on my plate, then proceeded to scarf it all even though my body started fussin' about halfway through. This is leftover from my husband's birthday weekend and is also accompanied by sausage lasagna made by the same lady. I am not touching another morsel, mark my words. Not because I am not good enough to eat it, not because it will make me gain weight back, no...because it is literally too rich to eat much of it. My goodness. And the thing that makes me mad is I was fully aware the whole time what I was doing was not a good choice and I did it anyway. I have a history of that-drinking too much, foolin' around with ne'er do wells, taking illegal substances in my younger days...bah. And the thing is, enjoyable while it is going on but hell to pay afterwards and I DO mean it when I say, "never again" but somehow never gets twisted to, "maybe just once more."
I am feeling sluglike, I am not feeling like myself and I don't know how to get back to that girl. Any "action plan" I form vaguely in my head doesn't come to fruition. It's close to 100 degrees outside and extremely humid, and I can stand out in the sun for a few minutes before declaring to myself that I am meeeelllllting. I hate Texas summers. The end.
So to get back on track I need to workout everyday and I need to cook a lot more and have stuff readily made that is not mac n' lard or heart attack lasagna. Bah.

4 comments:

Dynamo360 said...

It's really hard sometimes to not go back for that extra portion. All one can do is try and reason through it. I know for me attacking the emotional issues around impulsive eating is the only thing that helps. But that's me... it's always about the emotional when I am doing that, lol.

But DAMN mac and cheese is good shit. :P

lainb said...

I can relate to how you're feeling right now. The good thing is that you're AWARE of these feelings and how you don't like being there. That's the first step to getting "back on the path" you want to be on. Our stupid human nature seems to want the immediate gratification (AKA mac & cheese) versus long-term gratification (AKA weight-loss).

Erin said...

Dynamo,

When I overeat like that it, I think it's some sort of "defiant" act, I still rebel sometimes against being a healthy living person. I'm refocused on whom I want to be and I'm working on that now. I don't ask myself if it is high cal or high fat, I ask, is this good for my heart? Is this good for my eyes or skin or hair? And that is how I am making choices now. Remind me of that when I'm in a slump again, haha!
PS the mac n cheese was really good, but our affair is over
Also, will write about my "origin" if you can be more specific, I'm so fascinating that I need to narrow it down. KIDDING.

Erin said...

lainb,

Thanks for commenting! I'm way past the point of not recognizing if something is wrong or not, I know it each time I eat or drink something bad for me, so I do it anyway and have guilt. Sometimes I wish I could go back to being ignorant but that doesn't fit in with my vision of whom I want to be and what kind of dietician would I be if I acted like an ostrich with my head in the sand? I'm back on track, healthy food cooked and easily accesible in the fridge. Thank you for the encouragment and good luck on your journey as well, stop by as often as you like. :)