Wednesday, December 19, 2007

"Well, I don't intend to discourage anyone from a goal, but those bad-ass assassin girls are putting A LOT of their time into this. It's not just a matter of emotional commitment, which we all know you have plenty of: there are practical issues as well - I mean, this stuff takes TIME and MONEY and it means cutting out other things from your life. You're married, you have a child, you're in school - you might have to give those up in order to reach that level."

First off I'll say up front that M@rla is one of my all time favorite fitness/weight loss bloggers and that I mean no offense in anything I say today.

This got me pretty down this morning but I have since completely changed my way of thinking around and am not discouraged but instead even more motivated. I felt like I was being told that I couldn't do it and why even try and holy shit how negative can I be some times?
Instead I will fully acknowledge that there are indeed many obstacles to my goal and I do have many added parts of life that I can use as excuses. I have actually spent a LOT of time doing just that over the last few years, angsting over this whole thing to a degree that is ridiculous and yet making little progress. I have mentioned it before but never has it hit home as hard as it has the last few days. I spend huge amounts of energy thinking about why I can't do things instead of expending much less energy simply getting shit done.
Take today for example: I wanted to get up at 5 again this morning like I did yesterday but our son had a fever last night and didn't want to sleep and I am still trying to adjust off cold meds so it just got later and later and I knew 5am was not going to be pretty if I wanted to make it through the day. So I reset the alarm for 6 and did get up after a bit. Our son felt really warm again this morning so I had to keep him home again. Things like this happen but it is my job then to figure out a work around, I knew he would go down for a nap at some point and that would be my chance. Well, as time went on I felt more and more tired and I'm coughing still and I could have easily laid my head down and fallen asleep. Instead I changed into my workout clothes, got him down for the count, and went and completed a kickass workout on the elliptical and chest/back day with weights. I definitely need to up what I'm lifting next time but I still feel like it went well.
I then came inside, took a shower, and sat around for a bit before realizing his nap would last a lot longer (from not feeling well) and I could lay down. I ended up getting a small nap and felt great when I got up.
I know that every day may not work out great for me but if I plan and plan smartly I believe I can be the person I want to be. I'm living as that person from this day forward.
I may go offline until some time next week; for the first time since I can remember I feel tired of being on the computer so I think I'm going to give it a break. We'll see, I could feel differently in the morning when I get up and want the routine.
If I don't return, Merry Christmas or Happy Holidays to every body!

Tuesday, December 18, 2007

The entire comment was great, like really great. I must be getting all the goods since someone isn't posting lately *wink

"There's probably a fine line between support and enabling, but my philosophy on marriage is that it's supposed to be a safe place for each partner. It's where you know yourself to be loved and accepted. So I think you're doing the right thing by not nagging him or deviously manipulating as I suggested earlier."

I think you're absolutely right that marriage should be safe, full of acceptance and encouragement and not manipulation or derision. I try my best to make sure he knows I love him no matter what, that there aren't strings attached, and I've tried to just emphasize I want an active partner to live life with, not some weird ideal for him to fit into. You know, when you become one of "the faithful" and diligently work out and plan your meals and know your macros and hell, even your micros, you want to convert anyone you come in to contact with and I struggled with that and my husband. Here's my best friend, the adult I spend the most time with and have fun with and I just wanted him to do every! thing! I! did! But I did wise up and cut that shit out, though I don't pretend it is easy. When he goes through spurts of working out I am very supportive and encouraging and when he stops I mentally duct tape my mouth shut because that is not for ME to comment on-why, if he commented on any of the times I've lost any semblance of a healthy lifestyle it would devastate me. It is sooo hard to think about the other view but I am doing my best. That is all I can do, this day and each day after.
I thought hard about what I want today in terms of my fitness level and appearance and I looked at pictures of women online that have that type of physique and can lift that kind of weight and that is my focus. I want that badass assassin body and that just hasn't changed. If I get where I don't frown about my body, even on those really bad bloated days and I am really. fucking. strong? I'll take it and grin from ear to ear.
With that in mind I did the best I could today with a lower body workout and 15 minutes of intervals on the elliptical. Believe me that was all I had and beyond as I am still technically limping along on the illness front. I say technically because I am determined to use "mind over matter" and to be well again. I will be healthy the rest of my break so I can enjoy it before I hit the ground running again. So much is swirling around the old noggin' concerning positive thinking and visualization-my head is pounding though so this is it for tonight, and that is good enough for me.

Monday, December 17, 2007

"I'm having similar issues with my husband. Thing is, he knows he's out of shape and actually bitches about it all the time. He knows he's lost a lot of muscle, that he's lost flexibility, and that his weight is high for him. But he keeps on with the Little Debbie Swiss Rolls by the boxful and winces when I suggest that he might think about joining my gym (we could work out together, I chirp, even though I really don't want to work out together, but whatever it takes, yo). He keeps saying that he just needs to walk every day, but doesn't even really do that. I don't care how he looks, but I do care that he doesn't feel good because of inactivity/eating junk. He's not resentful of my trying to have healthier habits, though. He takes far too much interest in it sometimes to the point where I start to resent it. "

My husband is in deep denial about his state of health, borderline high blood pressure is still not enough for him to do anything about it, it is borderline after all. For the longest time he would complain daily about how tired he was and how he had no energy and yet he never worked on his diet or exercised. Ugh. I have a hard time listening to people bitch about something sucking when they are doing absolutely nothing about it, even reading about what to do or just contemplating it would be okay with me, at least as an initial point. I cracked up about the working out together chirping, I've been there myself.
I got out of bed and walked in to the living room on my way to the kitchen the other night to get something to eat. I'd been laying there and my stomach was growling really loudly and I wasn't going to sleep. He asked me what I was doing and when I said, "eating" he made a sad face and said, "ohhh nooo." I got the big pissed off eyes immediately, don't dare and try and guilt ME about eating Mr. couch foam growing in to your ass, but in reality he thought I was having an out of control binge moment that get me down.
Some times I'm mad at myself because I think I DO care more about what he looks like, then some thing happens to show me that's not true. I just want him to be active regardless of what weight he is, when he gets up and works on things or has projects or even just goes for a walk with us, I am 100 x more attracted to him. I am just not into sloth on a daily basis (every body needs to chill some times, I know this.)
I think I'm on my way to being okay again, breathing out of both sides of my nose today and my head doesn't feel like it will explode anytime soon. My friends are urging me to take these megadose vitamins and I am struggling with this concept. They swear by them, and I am sick of being sick, and yet everything I've learned in clinical nutrition and biochemistry tells me that it is a waste and if you are taking the wrong ones, harmful. Meh.
I also sat in on a web conference about the safety of aspartame with speakers from Harvard and a group of toxicologists, not sure if I mentioned that. I thought it would be more interesting but it seemed biased, though the science that was presented I can't really fault.
Coffee is ready, hope everyone has a great day and avoids cardboard treats and hidden salt monsters.

PS WI: down to 151.8 today after ballooning back to 155.6 last Tuesday. I know it was water weight but it took a week to come off after I had been down to 151 even the saturday after I started this mess again. Two weeks in and I am down .8 of a pound.
At least it's not up and I'm not feeling deprived.

Sunday, December 16, 2007

"Yeah, I hear you about the meddling/pushy thing. I would be FURIOUS with my husband if he left little hints around that he wanted me to change my perfect self in any way. Seriously, I would.

Here's another level of subtlety: you could get Women's Health for yourself, and while it's not as good as its counterpart, it's not bad, and I'll bet he'd read it if he came across it. Again, because of the photos ;-) Then you can ease into "hey, do you want the Men's version for yourself?"

Wow, that's so manipulative! Forget I said anything! "

I already get Women's health and I absolutely love it, I rhapsodize about it to him all the time and he thinks it's great I'm so happy....the end. It goes no further but maybe he thinks the title rules him out as a reader.

You know, if he tried to help me with things I am terrible about (organization, time management) I would bite his head off, but I think I am helping so therefore should not be offensive! yeah, double standard I am thinking.
Hopefully I'm on the road to wellness, I had to sleep with my mouth open all last night and my tongue got so dry from the meds and from the air that it split down the middle just like chapped lips, and believe me I have those too along with the skin around my nose. However, when I got up one whole side cleared out and I am breathing through that side with no additional medicine. If it doesn't improve I'll go to the doc since it is discolored. You wanted to know, I could tell my graphic description of the consequences of being a mouth breather got you excited.

Saturday, December 15, 2007

Re: comment
A subscription to Men's Health might help, I'm not sure how he would react or if he would even read it. He is a wonderful guy but hard to read some times and I don't know if he would see it as me meddling or being pushy. I'm going to check it out and if I think he'd like it I'll get it for him, he likes getting magazines. I'm kind of excited about the idea!
Oh also, about the bio-electrical impedance bodyfat measuring tools, the handheld one is fairly accurate but the one you stand on is better, but apparently only higher end models that can factor in how athletic you are, etc. I have stats on that stuff somewhere....*rummages around chaotic mess....yeah I'll get back to you on that.
And as for today:
I did my little 7 min. (roughly) unstructured yoga workout and that made me feel better for a short time but I am absolutely afraid I won't be getting in that legs workout I wanted. My head is so stopped up that even maximum strength mucinex has not helped and that is just, well sad. It also hit me that when I am hoovering up odds and ends in the kitchen and off our son's plate that I am treating myself like a human garbage disposal, and that is the very opposite of cool.

Friday, December 14, 2007

I'm currently occupied with reading the archives of two wonderful sites but wanted to drop in to say I feel so much better after getting all of that activity in yesterday and am back down to .2 over where I started 11 days ago, so unless something completely crazy happens I should maintain that earlier number and hopefully surpass it. Ultimately though, screw the number, I KNOW I am making progress in a positive direction for myself.
After being all smug and everything yesterday my throat started hurting really badly that night and I went to bed at about 8pm after taking sore throat night time med. Yeah, I really am sick all the time. I should give myself MORE credit for all that I do despite the way I feel the majority of the time.

Thursday, December 13, 2007

Oh and I went and looked back at M@rla's entry about her poop cookies and am suitably impressed and I do remember them after seeing the picture again. Mine look more like cat mess I think. Hope no one is eating!

PS I have still been eating at least one cat turd cookie a day. Problem? Yes!
Smug, definitely feeling smug and happy right now, must be the dizziness from completing an ass busting workout after already doing yoga and rough housing with the Little Guy. I even got a video of him doing yoga with me that made my heart want to burst and you can bet I will post that as soon as I get it downloaded off my camera. I hope it turned out, you may not be able to see all the adorable two yr old doing down dog wonderfullness.
I tried to quickly do housework, physically rough house around with him, and then we went outside and we ran around the yard some and kicked a ball, played on the slide, and then I had the bright idea of bringing my yoga mat outside on the patio and our XM radio to play my favorite indie station. So with our fountain gurgling away I first had to dodge multiple little cars and trucks placed on the mat and then I had a partner that helpfully tried to pose along with me, getting on the mat underneath me as I tried to hold plank or go into a push up.
So I've been in a dismal funk, I seem to feel bad physically so often that it really gets me down. I feel sick or extremely fatigued so often it drives me crazy. I don't know what to do about it but I am whinging for a start.
Food has been a little weird today but it is not owning my brain so I'll take that, and I burned about 500 kcals with my workouts and here I thought I wouldn't be able to do anything again today. Kickass.
I'm going to start answering comments in the blog as I have to open a diff browser that I hate to do it IN the comments section and it is not like I get overwhelmed with them anyway. I really appreciate them and then I feel like maybe it doesn't seem that way since I don't always reply.
So anyway:
I mentioned a gap between my husband and myself since I got into trying to better myself and though I don't entirely blame him for it, it is true. I tend to see him differently even though I wish that were not the case and he makes little to no effort to even meet me halfway. If he would workout with me I would be in heaven, but that is just not going to happen. I have to leave him alone about it, which I do for the most part, and maybe he'll get there some day, maybe not. It's not up to me and it is important for me to remember that and not act like an ass about it. It is really hard to keep a relationship together when one person changes big time and the other doesn't but he is worth working extra hard to keep us together. When we met I drank hard, ate anything that sounded good, smoked, and had a much higher libido (I'll just be delicate about that.) I now rarely drink, do not smoke, am very conscious about what I eat and am way out of touch with "marital duties" or the desire for them for that matter. Lots of things have contributed to that and I am working on myself in that aspect but to say things are completely different is an understatement. He never works out and would probably still drink 4-5 nights a week if I went along with it. His diet is beige unless I interfere nicely (mac n cheese, fries, rice, burgers, pizza, cheese on anything, beer) with no vegetables or fruit in sight. He hates lifting weights and when he does workout once in a blue moon its always cardio. I love him anyway, people are many different parts and not defined by the bad things but well, it sucks. I want a partner, waaaahhh.
Not going to dwell though, he has come a long way-eats some vegetables now, eats certain fruit as long as it is easily ready to eat, has always drank a ton of water and now mainly limits drinking to 1-2 times a week and sometimes less than that. I don't want to turn him into a puritan, I just want us both to be healthy and together a long time and to be good examples for our son. I cannot control him though, I know this. *repeating that for MY benefit as I need to keep that foremost in my mind, bit of a control freak I am
Workout was awesome, good day today, I'm crawling back.

Tuesday, December 11, 2007

Crabby! Thanks for stopping by, I admit I freaked a little at the famous Crab reading my latest boring drivel. Not always boring! I promise.
I've thought a lot today about if my current approach is a good one for me or not. Not everything is a one size fits all, and I think if someone came to me as a dietitian and had the feelings I seem to be experiencing, I would definitely focus on making a plan that works better for them. So that's what I'm going to do. What worked for me when I started out trying desperately to better my health and quality of life doesn't work for me now that I've been at this for several years. I need to do a lot of self examination regarding what I want out of life, if my weight plays in to that or not, and what is really important to me.
New plan: I may or may not continue to weigh daily, I fully know what affects the numbers and they don't upset me so it's not that, but I am unsure if I want that level of scrutiny. Once a week may be what I settle upon, I am not certain. I think I want to focus on building muscle and I need to bypass my fear of gaining weight(fat) in order to reach that point. Couple that with the fact that I felt sexier in a different way when I was heavier and I hate the yawning gap between myself and my husband since I've lost weight...just a lot to think over.
Time to use this space as it was intended, for navel gazing baby.
Up three more pounds this morning, but I ate takeout Italian food last night and had some wine and it was absolutely delicious. I know that when I do what works it will work and I just don't feel bad about it. I'm glad I don't, I would hate for a client to go into a tailspin over takeout bloating and so why should I practice that idiocy? Not to say it isn't disheartening when you don't expect it, but I deliberately ate that food.
So, as per usual my enthusiasm petered out awfully fast, but I'm going to stick with it and keep on tracking and trying to take care of myself.
Hopefully I can get in a workout today, that's the key that is missing.

Monday, December 10, 2007

Week One Report:Case Study EC

Beginning stats:

151/66 sq x 705 = 24.4 (normal) BMI ranges 18.5-24.9 normal, 25-29.9 overweight,
151 x 13-15 = 1963-2265 kcal/day guideline for professionals
IBW=130lbs +/- 10%
% IBW=116%
1450-1700 kcal/day to lose 1 lb per week
lower body workout plus 20 minutes cardio =422 kcals burned/38 minutes
full body weights workout alt upper and lower =400 kcals, sometimes less sometimes more /45-60 minutes
yoga =450 kcals/60 minutes

I think most of this is self explanatory, I included some of the common workouts I usually have in rotation and the calories burned just for reference.

I lost about an inch in my waist and half an inch in the hips and 1.6 lbs as of Saturday and then as of Sunday and today I'm UP .2 lbs from my beginning weight. Saturday night I ate a few appetizer shrimp and then some bread, a few fritos and dip and some cheeses followed by bites of 4 diff desserts. Wow that sounds bad now but it really was a small quantity of each and it was Laydee night with my friends. Oh I had champage and Pimms too. Yesterday I barely ate enough calories and nothing that damaging and yet no budge on what I was sure was bloat. If I was a client and new to this game and had this happen to me I would be severely frustrated at this point. Since I started getting a cough, hoarse voice and sore throat Saturday night and woke up with a full blown ick on Sunday I haven't cared so much. I'll care tomorrow.
It should be noted I went over on kcals twice this week and only worked out twice due to sickness so this wasn't a steller week and I'm doing ok all things considered. This next week's results will be better.
Cookies today turned out literally like dog turds with gobs of while chocolate splatters. Sounds tasty right?

It's really nice to hear that someone I respect thinks I'll be a good dietitian, thanks M@rla!

Tuesday, December 04, 2007

Today's Post Brought to You by My Love of Gadgets:

I'm a gadget girl, there's a good reason why I worked and excelled in the IT field for the five years that I hung in there. I like computers, I like sci-fi in my present day, and I like facts and the ability to pin down what exactly is happening rather than pulling numbers out of the air or relying on antiquated formulas. This is not to say the formulas are all bs and that my numbers are 100% accurate, but they're pretty damn close.
All of this to say I got the battery in my HR monitor replaced and just finished a kickass workout with it. When I had switched to a 3 day split lifting schedule it had already died and so I wasn't quite sure how it measured up to the previous exhausting balls out (metaphoric testes, mind you) workouts I had been slogging through. Don't get me wrong, it felt good to do those workouts most of the time but I was missing a lot of cardio and also only doing them 3 days a week tops with little supplementary workouts in between.
So long story shortened, I clocked in at 422 calories today for a 38 minute workout which is as good and sometimes better than the previous workouts that involved only 5 minutes cardio but took 45-60 minutes. Also accounting for the fact that I did that 2-3 times a week vs. my willingness and ability to do these workouts 5-6 times a adds up big time.
I also purchased a Tanita scale that measures not only weight in .2 increments but also BF% and hydration. I must say I am disappointed in the BF% feature. The numbers are all over the place but we shall see, I've only had it a few days and the reason I wanted it is because we use a slightly more professional version at school and in practice as dietitians sometimes. I knew it was pretty accurate. Bottom line, I just don't want to believe it's gone up that much in such a short time and I also like having consistency in my data.
I'm treating myself as a case study (patient) and have worked out my anthropometrics. I'll post everything and also weekly results, number of workouts and what they consist of, and how I adjust my kcal intake. The formula we use is pretty dead on for what has worked for me in the past but it is forcing me to eat a little more and to really analyze the numbers. I'm basically putting my money where my mouth is (that cliche makes little sense but you get my meaning).
Now I'm off to pick up my little boy and to get crackin' on cleaning up this dump. Fitness is not the only thing that has fallen by the wayside with the hectic months of school I've just been through. I still have one final left on Friday but the case study on myself is going to help me study as that is all things I need to know.