Sunday, November 23, 2008

Just So You Know

I'll be out of town from Tuesday morning through Saturday and probably won't be around the blog world, but you never know.
Gotta go get my bag packed for real and get myself tucked in for the night.

Friday, November 21, 2008

Grey Skies

There's one good thing about being depressed, oddly enough this is the time I don't even really look at myself good or bad and it's sort of a break.
Spending the week at the cancer center for a rotation was not exactly conducive to a cheerful mood and then I really hit bottom last night knowing that my son and husband would leave this morning and I won't see our son until Tuesday and my husband until Thursday. Even when something is known beforehand and an established yearly thing it doesn't make it any easier. I've been with my husband 7 years this December and yet his yearly hunting trip that he will NEVER budge on still bums me out considerably. The last two years I have not cared or missed him and I would say that is worse. At least I am back to caring. Now missing my son? Always hard for me, always. I can now handle 2-3 nights okay but beyond that is very hard though I know the world will not spinning; still hard for me to be away from him just simply because he is so wonderful and cheery and sweet. He brightens each day and I hate for that element to be gone. I am fully aware I can't put my happiness on him though, my father did that to me and it was a heavy burden. So I don't pin all my emotions on him or being with him but he just makes you happy to be around him.
I have not been to the gym all week and it is weighing on my mind. I have simply been too worn out and feeling very fragile physically. I know if I pushed it I would be sick right now and I am narrowly avoiding that now. I slept until 3:30 today, just absorb that for a moment!
I also am getting my ass to a mammogram pronto as there is soreness and possibly a lump or swollen lymph node in my right breast. I don't think I need to elaborate on that and how that makes me feel. My paternal grandparents died of cancer. My maternal grandmother is dying right now of metastatic breast cancer. My father has lung cancer (that he is ignoring). My mother is a survivor of colon cancer. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't really concerned and freaked out. I hope it is nothing, I really, really do but regardless I am going to go on a round of doc visits (for all kinds of things) because all I can do is be hyper vigilant and live well.
I talked to my mom about all over the above and am feeling better and feeling positive and can only go forward from here trying to be positive, productive, and patient.

Monday, November 17, 2008

Lightbulb Moment

Reading this post over at Marelisa's wonderfully uplifting and useful blog gave me an idea.
Those of us that have made changes focused towards living a healthier life or tried to become a more automated healthy lifestyler may just need to keep in mind that we have to practice just like any other skill. Why is it that we tend to think we're malfunctioning if we "fail" at embodying our fitness/nutrition ideal when perhaps it's not been our mode of living since birth? Think of it, if you were raised from birth practicing daily exercise and enjoying healthy properly portioned meals would it be hard to do now? Of course not. Note I said enjoying, not having it forced on you. I know people that had alternative upbringings with parents that went to the other end of the spectrum, never allowing a cookie or birthday cake, etc. and they resented it and rebelled themselves into some serious health problems they're now trying to resolve.
My parents never even mentioned exercise and good nutrition was not really a focus, I lucked out for the most part because we couldn't AFFORD junk food so therefore did not get any. Most meals were pretty well balanced if you ignore the fried stuff but overall that wasn't so bad. This had a bad effect on me in the end because as soon as I could buy junk I did after seeing it as forbidden until I moved out. That set me up for a food insecurity situation and binge and restrict behavior but that's a talk for another day.
Bottom line, I'm going to be kinder to myself, you should too, and I'm just going to keep practicing. If I keep at it (and I will) someday I'll be a master.

PS I just now realized this template had a title option and turned it on. D'oh! I have no idea why it was not enabled and just thought this template didn't have that and sort of hated never getting to title anything. Wonders never cease...

Sunday, November 16, 2008

Mirror, Mirror

I had no idea how hard it would be to stop mirror glancing or running my hand over my belly reflexively. To an outsider I wonder if I would seem overly vain, admiring and feeling myself up; in reality I'm almost always looking at my stomach and checking much too often to see if I'm puffy or flabby feeling. Geez! I'm making an effort to stop and it is working but I know it will take time. I would like to note the ban is not extending to the gym (at least when lifting weights) because the only feeling I get from that tends to be positive and I need to check my form!
I've also eaten food that would not be on the acceptable list normally when trying to lose weight and managed to avoid guilt-big deal for me.
Studying for an exam over cancer and aids/hiv tomorrow so unfortunately that is all for now.

Saturday, November 15, 2008

Body Checking-Not Just for the NHL Anymore

Imagine if everyday you were asked to step in front of a judge’s panel, scrutinized for any minute increase in girth, change in firmness, made to pose this way and that. Everyday mashed and and felt, pinched and pulled with the end result usually a sigh of impatience or disapproval sprinkled sparingly with days you meet these incredibly high standards. On those days as soon as you’re judge adequate you’re ignored until you then must meet sabotage attempts to test your mettle. The initial insult is not enough, step in front of the mirror all day any chance you get to be rejudged, poked and prodded. Pretty miserable and stressfull just reading about it, right?
This is what I do to myself on a daily basis without even conciously realizing it and it stops today.
It’s called body checking and most of us do it in some form or another, whether it’s a sly pinch of skin to see how much can be grabbed, furtive looks in reflective surfaces, examinations of our thighs when we cross our legs or heaven forbid sit in a chair. I’ve often wistfully thought of the time when I was innocently happy with myself, where I didn’t know what I weighed and didn’t care to meet anyone else’s ideal and when I rarely went shopping I didn’t even have a clue what size I was and would just try things on until something fit and the number had absolutely no meaning at all.
Wow that just hit me, I did no body checking in any form and that is why I was happy with myself. It’s eluded me for years now what changed and how I could get back there.
I don’t pretend to think I can fix the damage I’ve done in the name of self improvement with the snap of my fingers. I also am very happy with the lifestyle changes I have made and the person I am now minus the body issues and the anxiety.
And there’s another thing about body checking: I only need it when I try and get away with as little healthy actions as possible. For example weighing myself: I do it religiously when I am focused on losing pounds but a common theme in my mind is, okay I only gained a pound from eating that pizza so that ‘s water weight and I “got away with that”. Or I ate very little and worked out like a fiend and I’m dropping about a lb a day (not healthy) so I’ll keep going with that.
If I simply live like the person I want to be the weighing is not necessary, I don’t need it to keep me on track (on plan, in line, etc) because if I am living well in the first place that is the goal. If I workout 4-6 days a week and eat fruits and vegetables at every meal there is no way I’ll head in the wrong direction.
The scrutiny is unnecessary when my actions are in line with my goal and only need to come in to play when I am trying to cheat the system or to punish myself. That’s not how a normal person lives, that’s not how I lived before I decided to try we1ght w@tchers.
Assignment for today: no mirror gazing unless it’s needed to fix my hair or dress myself (normal things) and absolutely no weighing or flab fondling (eww, haha!).
Fruits and veggies on the menu and a trip the gym are in order because I am a person that enjoys food that is good for me and likes to move my body and become stronger. I am.
Wish me luck.

The link I included is to a journal article in Behavior Research and Therapy on what body checking is and what effect low versus high body checking has on a group of women in one study. They found that the positive outcome in the low body checking group did not last very long-I personally think they went back to body checking again perhaps as I know this is not the first time I have tried to stop it. Try, try again.

Tuesday, November 04, 2008

And more pictures! These are from our last girlie night with a vintage theme.

In this first one I'm wearing a vintage "Cloud 9" brand faux fur coat I bought in a little shop when I was a junior in high school and my new purple wool hat from Banana Republic. I love that the old school styling is so prevalent in a lot of their clothing, I wish I had the money to buy a lot of the dresses especially.

In this one I'm wearing my friend's headpiece which felt really cool with the netting pulled over my eyes.

And I included this because it shows more of the dress I wore. I also had on seamed stockings and heels. The dress was made by my amazing great grandmother. my mama has always called it the "marilyn monroe" dress and until I went to put it on I hadn't realized that she made it. Checking for a tag to maybe give me an idea of the date there was just her name pinned inside. Simply amazing. The only zipper is on the side and it fits like it was made for me. My earrings are also vintage clip-ons and were my grandmother's too.

Sunday, November 02, 2008

And in leiu of a real entry at the moment: pictures of my new haircut!