Friday, November 21, 2008

Grey Skies

There's one good thing about being depressed, oddly enough this is the time I don't even really look at myself good or bad and it's sort of a break.
Spending the week at the cancer center for a rotation was not exactly conducive to a cheerful mood and then I really hit bottom last night knowing that my son and husband would leave this morning and I won't see our son until Tuesday and my husband until Thursday. Even when something is known beforehand and an established yearly thing it doesn't make it any easier. I've been with my husband 7 years this December and yet his yearly hunting trip that he will NEVER budge on still bums me out considerably. The last two years I have not cared or missed him and I would say that is worse. At least I am back to caring. Now missing my son? Always hard for me, always. I can now handle 2-3 nights okay but beyond that is very hard though I know the world will not spinning; still hard for me to be away from him just simply because he is so wonderful and cheery and sweet. He brightens each day and I hate for that element to be gone. I am fully aware I can't put my happiness on him though, my father did that to me and it was a heavy burden. So I don't pin all my emotions on him or being with him but he just makes you happy to be around him.
I have not been to the gym all week and it is weighing on my mind. I have simply been too worn out and feeling very fragile physically. I know if I pushed it I would be sick right now and I am narrowly avoiding that now. I slept until 3:30 today, just absorb that for a moment!
I also am getting my ass to a mammogram pronto as there is soreness and possibly a lump or swollen lymph node in my right breast. I don't think I need to elaborate on that and how that makes me feel. My paternal grandparents died of cancer. My maternal grandmother is dying right now of metastatic breast cancer. My father has lung cancer (that he is ignoring). My mother is a survivor of colon cancer. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't really concerned and freaked out. I hope it is nothing, I really, really do but regardless I am going to go on a round of doc visits (for all kinds of things) because all I can do is be hyper vigilant and live well.
I talked to my mom about all over the above and am feeling better and feeling positive and can only go forward from here trying to be positive, productive, and patient.


Leah J. Utas said...

Yes, get it checked. I'm sending energy for the best results ever.

Erin said...

Thank you for the energy and I will update when I know more of course. Because of my spring chicken status I have to get referred to really be checked out but that is happening with all due haste.