Tuesday, May 27, 2008

This song always makes me think of my son, along with a smattering of other videos played in the middle of the night when he was really, really new to the world and we would sit up together. Remembering the way he smelled and the sounds he made and the incredible feeling I had holding him and nursing sort of makes me want to cry even now. I know the song is about a relationship (I think) but the words brighter than sunshine ring true.
I care not a fig about the video, just wanted to post the song some how to share.
Went for a thirty minute walk which did wonders for my soul.
I started to write a whingey entry about how tired and sick and depressed I've been but instead:

Indonesian food is awesome, I will never attend culinary school though because I discovered how stressed out I get when cooking for others/with others that are judging. I thought it was simply stress of having people over or being at someone else's home (holidays) but instead it is the insane pressure I put on myself to cook perfectly. Certifiable.

I am still not 100% well but I am about to go for a walk anyway, I just ate so many biscuits + mashed potatoes + rotisserie chicken I am sick.

I'm sure I'll be inspired to post more after I walk a bit.

Tuesday, May 20, 2008

I keep forgetting I can answer comments easily now that I am using the hated IE (purely for that reason too, HELLO)but I just went back and did the most recent ones and will keep up with that. I enjoy comments so much! Thanks everyone!

I really need to get off the couch and go to the store on a lightening quick grocery trip before I drive off into the sun to go work. I am interning (of sorts) at the culinary school in our art institute today and am excited about it but dreading it too since it is from 11:30-10:30 tonight! That means no seeing the wee one or Husband for that matter and I am just flat out not used to working like that anymore. I remember the amazement when I got my first tech support job that I could come home from work and my feet didn't ache. That just seemed par for the course because all I had done before was work retail. Wish me luck!

Monday, May 19, 2008

Sort of a major self acceptance set back yesterday and I'm kicking myself for it. I'm up a pant size at my favorite stores and I refused to buy the bigger size because "I won't stay this size" which is diet thinking and absolutely ridiculous. I am kicking myself for not getting the bigger size. Argh.

PS Thanks Kada!

Monday, May 12, 2008

It is continuing to blow my mind that I can eat whatever I want and be happy with myself and my body and my life after the last several years being in such tense combat with my own biology.
I think the key to truly being able to be a "normal" eater again after dieting for a long time is not caring if you gain back some weight and genuinely accepting yourself. I won't lie, I'm not there 100% of the time but letting go of the control an the tension has been huge for me. Huge. I treat food a lot differently too, I eat bakery muffins with sugar on top and potato chips and honestly I've been drinking too often lately, and it all makes little difference in what I look like or how I feel. Huge change.
I can eat these things or have a drink because I know I can go and have more in five minutes if I really want it and 9 out of 10 times I don't want it, it is no longer forbidden. I thought I was immune to that psychobabble bullshit. Surprise.

Friday, May 09, 2008

I just had to roll to the side because I thought I might puke doing crunches and how un rock n roll would that be to aspirate because I want a stronger core?
I just had to burp, you can all breathe now.

Thursday, May 08, 2008

I managed to take a deep breath and get over myself, or out of myself, however you'd like to phrase it. I'm not totally normal but I'm functioning. Cooked tilapia with ginger and brown sugar on it and had a rice pilaf with lentils and veggies in it. No workout but I showered and dressed and put make up on and felt pretty good about myself.
I worked out on Monday as well but nothing since and I am sure that is related to the seeming depression I am sitting in, wondering how to get out yet again. I have no idea why I am such a highs and lows person but sometimes I really hate it-when I get to the high again I always think, "This is it! Whatever new plan or thing or whatever that I currently have started is the answer and now I'll be like this all the time! yay!"
Surprise surprise.
Regardless I do think giving up dieting was very mentally healthy for me but I am struggling with it just the last few days. Of course suffering temporarily with low self esteem again and lethargy and sleeping until almost noon (something I haven't done in years) is not helping one little bit and what is the first thing to do be doubted? Why food, my ability to be trusted around it and my so called will power. What a bunch of horse shit. I would say one of the worst habits that has come back is body checking-thinking about how my clothes fit, looking in the mirror, running my hand over my stomach many times a day-all very destructive and things I didn't even realize I did until I forced myself to stop doing them. Time to force again.
Food is completely unappealing to me lately, it has been hard to satisfy myself when nothing really sounds very good and I am reluctant to cook, something that usually brings me joy. I'm just in a rough spot but thought it might help to write about it, and it has-
workouts have been swell, I've been doing a lot of negative pushups (starting in plank and lowering evenly to the ground, coming back to plank and repeat over and over) and partial burpees, that's the only way I can explain it. Just the jumping portion coming out a crouch and back down to repeat (leaving out the push up part). That with squats and one set of various isolated exercises has left me all over sore and is extremely time efficient. I feel tired and fuzzy headed today and am resisting working out mentally so who knows.
I need to go grocery shopping and have no idea what I will buy since I don't want to make or eat anything. I'm not the only one in this house though.

Friday, May 02, 2008

I just completed about a thirty minute workout, five min cardio and then lifting and a little stretching/core stuff. This is the first time I have worked out since....hm, it has actually been so long I don't remember when it was-GASP! HORROR!
Today was my last final exam for my junior year, one more year to go and I am free as a bird in the meantime, at least until May 19th. I forsee lots of workouts and cooking experiments and sleeping, yay!
Leaving for Tulsa at about 5 oclock-I need to get showered and pack all three of our bags and load up the car with the luggage plus birthday and mother's day gifts, ack! I can do it, I decided taking the time out to make my body feel good again was worth it and it definitely was, my body is singing right now!
Only burned 285 calories, that's less than a third of what I was doing but that's okay-very little of that was cardio and I haven't moved around purposefully in so long I lost a lot of fitness. My heart rate shot up to the 160s on the basic level of the elliptical rather quickly, I look forward to regaining my endurance and strength.
Strength wise I did alright, not wonderfully but better than cardio-I do pick up a nearly 40 lb unwieldly toddler all the time and other household crap. Our dog weighs over 100 lbs and I hoist her into the car fairly often. I'm proud I can do that. Also I bought nearly $200 worth of groceries yesterday and was able to carry it all in taking only two trips, She-Rah!
Continue to love intuitive eating, really need to talk about in depth and I have a post started but had to save it when my son woke up earlier than expected. I haven't done so well stopping when I was comfortable the last few days but I screwed up with my BC pills and my hormones went all crazy and I was spotting and taking a nap everyday depsite sleeping a lot and...well I was just out of whack and I can see that. Today? No problems, I feel like a normal girl. I love being normal.

PS My mom and dad have both commented saying I must have definitely lost weight, I need to learn to say thank you instead of correcting them that I have actually gained and am perfectly okay with that. I guess I like to see their stunned expressions. My stomach is rarely if ever distended anymore and I think that's a big part of it-my shape seems to be redistributing back to my late teenage years, I have boobs and a butt again but not much stomach and my legs are thinner. I will always have thick legs, that is just my genetic buildup-not much definition in the cankle area but get this, I've lost almost an inch off my ankles. Bizarre.
Okay no time for more babbling, will check back in when we return and start posting with a vengence, free time woo hoo!