Friday, September 29, 2006

Next Wednesday is my monthly weigh in that I wanted to lose four lbs by, and I am hoping I just maintain. I'm sitting at a 1.5 lb gain at the moment, mainly due to my forced tummy ache the other night, which did nothing to make me feel better and was so bizarre I have purposefully not thought about it. I'm not sure why I think I need this punishment/redemption cycle, but I promise psyche, I really don't need it!
I'm feeling a good bit better today, not sure if I should workout today or rest one more day and not risk feeling badly again. Sigh.
I made a new friend that lives fairly close. She has PCOS and gained around 100 lbs in 3 months, and when she went to her doctor for help, he informed her she's "lazy". How infuriating! She has a ton of exercise equipment and wants to try and lose at least some of it with diet/exercise. I'm not sure if she can lose all of it with how out of whack her hormones are, but I know little about the condition. She was also able to conceive and have her daughter against all odds, so maybe she can do this too. I like her a lot, at the risk of sounding like we're in elementary school.
Hubby has also decreed that he would prefer to buy an elliptical, free weights and bench, and maybe a smith machine. WTF?????!!!!!!!! I'm not complaining, just out of left field from the man that hates the gym and refuses to eat veggies. The only way he could shock me more is by taking a jaunt down to the Farmer's Market to buy himself a snack.
Exciting things are a foot, must just keep on keeping on-my most favorite reads in the bloggie world all have that in common, they just keep going and they inspire me so much. Thanks to all of you, even though you have no idea I'm writing this.

Thursday, September 28, 2006

Holding Pattern. I'm in limbo and I can only hope I come out of it soon. School is draining the life out of me and I'm dealing with some weird suck ass cold/allergies thing that has me completely devoid of energy. Last night I ate so much I made myself sick and I did it on purpose, as if it would make me feel better some how. Sick. Le sigh.

Thursday, September 21, 2006

Last night was one of the most stressful I think I have ever had, combined with waking up at 5 to hear our little one waking up and crying, and I finally hit bottom and am determined to get organized and stop acting so crazy. I make life so much harder on myself, and what sort of really burns my ass is I've been with Flylady for several years now and I am JUST NOW getting everything even though I have yet to implement the routines that will save me from myself. Today I got up, got dressed to workout and put my shoes on, tied my hair back, and got a load of wash going first thing. I have read through five chapters of microbiology notes and feel much better about the test tonight though I need to make another run.
The net has been sucking all my time away, it is for me what teevee is for others, a complete black hole of time. So in conclusion I won't be around much , posting or reading, as long as class is in, but I'll try and check in when I can.
I've done part of my lower body workout today, lunges, deadlifts, and calf raises, followed by some plie squats holding my lovely helper that weighs around 25 lbs, not too heavy but a good added weight. He enjoyed it too which is another part of my great complex of guilt and being overwhelmed. I feel like he does not get my full attention enough even though I'm home with him, so I'm trying to incorporate everything together. Down to 145 this morning, so if I can just lose .5 I'll be down to virgin territory (as long as it sticks, I've seen it but it never stayed before now.)
Yes I started out in mid 170s-low 180s and am not down to 145. The thing I'm working on is bodyfat percentage as mine is still rather high. Must build muscle, concentrate on fitness. I'm on a fitness path now, more on that later.

Wednesday, September 20, 2006

This article explains so much about what I have discovered on my own about yoga, that even though it's nine pages long I felt it was very worth sharing. I am not a tiny yogi, nor am I a "woman of size" but the mental aspect of yoga has made a huge impact on my life and I wish for all my friends, online or not, to experience the same.

Note to self: Don't skip out on yoga today, get back to that calm, serene place.

Tuesday, September 19, 2006

No yoga yesterday, I just did not have an hr to devote out of the day, but we did take a family walk at a really fast pace with our lovely pup (can a really old dog be referred to as "pup"?) and our beautiful boy. We went around 1.3 miles, maybe a bit further, with three excellent hills comprimising the majority of our route. I then did a bit of yoga, mainly stretches though instead of strength moves, and went to bed fairly early. Eating was on par, down a pound overnight, but still not recovered completely back to my low weight two-three weeks ago. I hate it that I bounce around so much and waste so much time, but that is what I get for over indulging both weekends. I could be practically at goal if I would just stop it, damnit. This weekend is going to be a challenge too, boo hoo, poor me for having social activities. Friday night dinner and movie with Hubby as our Boy will be visiting Grammie C, then best friend's birthday bash at at local ***** hotel Saturday night. I'm determined to not screw everything up though, I just want to drop about 5 more lbs then maintain until warm weather again. I think lower than 5 will be hard to maintain and I'm not willing to act all crazy when it's sweater/jeans season anyway. We will see, my plan is to focus on exercise a lot more instead of micromanaging my calories so much, which I think will be a great way to maintain and enjoy myself a lot more. Hopefully I can build some decent muscle mass with an increase in cals too, I guess sort of a bulking phase. So cutting for a bit more, than bulking which I am majorly looking forward to. Today: full body free weights workout with dumbbells, walking if I have time but schoolwork will probably knock that out of being an option.

Monday, September 18, 2006

Just for the record: I've tried to leave comments on journals I read regularly and blogger is doing stupid crap with the whole beta thing and that is why it seems that I'm not reading/being unsupportive. I'll figure it out at some point.
So the doing well Saturday night thing? led me think I needed to go out to eat Sunday because if I do not feel like I really indulged, I will keep repeating the behavior until I get it right(wrong). It's twisted of me. Also, I have banned alcohol for awhile, maybe until Christmas when my MIL will force really great red wine on me. I still did not eat terribly badly yesterday, however I did eat this monsterous roll that was sort of glistening (prob with butter) and had melted baked cheese on top. It was so fluffy like a big puffball and I am a sucker for baked goods of that nature. Sweets? no. Fried stuff? no. Rolls and other forms of bread, esp. croissants? Hell yes. Fried foods and beer used to be my downfall but I've finally trained the food portion of that evil duo to be nastay on my palate. The beer had gotten out of hand again (not in amount but in frequency) so that shit is being nipped in the bud pronto. When I drink, even a little, I tend to feel like crap the whole next day as well and therefore not exercise.
Hardly any walking ended up happening and so while watching Amazing Race I convinced my lethargic brain to do my short pilates routine and then I did inversions and some hip flexor stretches. Our baby tried to do what I was doing, it was one of the cutest things I've ever seen. He would bend forward and put his head on the floor, just like mama, and he thought crawling quickly under me was way cool, like a bridge.

Sunday, September 17, 2006

I feel I did well last night food wise, I ordered the tacos cameron, which was corn tortillas with chili lime shrimp sauce and avocado rice. It was very good and I think it was probably the best choice I could make there since it wasn't covered in cheese, made with flour tortillas, or hanging out with refried beans. I only had 2-3 chips with salsa and drank water. The best part is I didn't feel deprived or stick out like the weirdo in a group of 8 women. I should have left the nibbles alone at my friend's house afterward but I still only had a little bit and still drank water. The evil scale showed up a pound this morning but I feel that will be gone soon, and is probably related to salt intake.
No exercise so far today, we're under a flash flood warning and Hubby is wanting to go drool over plasma screens so I got showered and prettied up, instead of staying grungy to exercise. I do have my walking sandals on though and plan on getting some shopping miles in today. If I don't get that in then I'll take my bike out or hit the gym, more than likely the gym unless the weather clears out.
I found out one of my friends and her hubby and fam are getting into cycling too! How weird is that? She invited me to come with them and I am going to-color me excited. yay!

Saturday, September 16, 2006

I took my bike out today and I really got a great workout. I've only ridden my bike a handful of times, there were always reasons why I didn't get back on again any time soon, and while one is valid (a bit more than scared of being in the park alone because it's very secluded), the rest have poofed into dust. I remember I just came in and laid on the floor the first time because my heart rate was so high and I felt like puking, face all red. My ass bones hurt so badly I thought I needed to buy padded shorts, which I never made time to do, and despite my good intentions I never made bicycling a regular activity. My hubby spent quite a bit of cash on a nice bike and helmet for me for Christmas because I went on and on about it and then I have hardly ridden the darn thing, made me feel guilty.
So, took it out today and rode 3-4 miles in about 20 minutes! That's great for me, the last time I did the whole loop I think it took 30-35 minutes and I was proud of that. There are quite a few hills, monster hills, and I can proudly say I only walked my bike once and even made it up the one that sucks to walk up because it's so steep. I feel accomplished and strong and proud I did it. Tonight is dinner with the girls and I'm trying to plan ahead by pre-reading the menu online and keeping my points low, which hasn't been a problem. Weight back down from the .5 of yesterday, I thought it would drop more-I hate it when my body acts all crazy like this. It doesn't matter, I'm sticking with it.

Friday, September 15, 2006

Up .5 a pound today, so I guess that would be 250 g for metric folks? I think metric measurements sound so much nicer, though the big 199 mark for non-metric folks doesn't scream at you when it's 90.5 kilos.
I did my hr of yoga Wed., 30 min stroller/dog hauling walk yesterday, and I plan on yoga again today. It's insane how all over sore I was yesterday after yoga, especially my back and hamstrings though. I've eaten on track, Wednesday. I get ahead of myself, I eat well for three days and expect miraculous effects. I pledge to stick to plan until next Wednesday, I'm not sure the last time I had a solid good week, and I need to do this one week at a time for now.
Tomorrow: morning bike ride hopefully, walk or maybe a gym visit, the point is it will be SOMEthing. No more fooling around, get these last kilos off and maintain.

Thursday, September 14, 2006

I woke up hurting as badly as I did the day after the FIRST time I did yoga, it's amazing that I lost so much strength in three weeks. I've been sick so often and stressed that the last month or so has been super hard. You would think vacation would have helped, but even though it was beautiful and I enjoyed it so much I'd go back in a wasn't that relaxing because we had our parents and our son with us. DUH, you would have thought we'd realize that beforehand. Anyway, so I took our little guy and the dog for a walk today and we made good time and I got sufficiently sweaty, enough to feel like I did some good. Must do chemistry, mental health is as important as physical and procrastination and dread do not make the studying/homework go away. Quitting is NOT AN OPTION, I have to stop acting like it is...

Wednesday, September 13, 2006

I'm sore all over and it's not even tomorrow yet. The same yoga practice I was doing three times a week with much less effort completely kicked my ass today, but it was in such a good way. The entire time I kept thinking, "Damn I was doing this and it was feeling effortless???" I tend to underestimate myself and think that I must not be doing that great, that much, working that hard, etc., but in reality I am really doing quite a lot. I suppose that's better than overestimating, but then you have to factor in the mind games I play without realizing it. I work really hard at losing weight, and that is no lie, and yet here's the kicker: I half ass it and then bust ass and go nuts just to lose tiny amounts of weight all because I slacked off frequently. For instance, weekend eating or drinking, missing workouts, and then being super restrictive to "make up for it" which has the end result of me feeling totally over this whole thing, tired, frustrated, and like I'm working soooo hard for noooo reward. Consistency is the key for me, that and being totally honest and just sticking it out and not treating myself so much just to turn around and punish myself. That's no way to be.
Competely unexpected-not sure how to deal. I just completed an hr long practice of my yoga dvd and it felt amazing and I am shakey of limb and loose in muscle, and unexpectedly sick at heart. I've heard that yoga can make you release mental toxins too (suppressed memories, etc.) and I guess that's what happened to me. I found myself recalling a really scary, sad thing that happened to my freshman in high school self, something I'd pretty much blocked. My stomach is rolling and I feel heavy inside. Maybe I do need therapy on my own, I think they help you with that in seperate sessions when you do couples therapy.
I am proud of myself for completing my workout, it's not an option where yoga is concerned-it's a must. My body has been hurting so much from all of my wonky muscles, knots, etc. Time for a shower.

Tuesday, September 12, 2006

I'm at a loss. Not the good kind either, as in weight, but more as in: my mind. Yesterday I did well all day until Jason walked in the door with beer again and I proceeded to drink three and then eat the last piece of apple pie with ice cream. WTF. I also did not work out and probably will not again today, due to personal physical problems I won't discuss here and lack of time because of class tonight and what I have to get done beforehand. I have to plan better, but first I think I need to decide what I really want. Do I want to stop the madness and maintain? Do I want to really buckle down and not allow any slip ups? I'm just not sure, and that is a recipe for disaster. I also realize that IF my goal is to buckle down I have to weig.h in frequently. Not weighing has been good if I want to maintain or bounce around within 5 lbs, but I have to be accountable or I apparently don't stick with it.
Liposuctions, boob jobs and tummy tucks are sounding better and better.

Monday, September 11, 2006

Sheepish. Trying not to negative self talk. Infinitely wiser.

I can now mark cheese fries, margaritas, and chili burgers from Snuff3r's off my list of former favorites. After sticking to my guns all weekend and even bringing nutritious snacks to the zoo today and not caving in and buying something horribly void though pleasing to my olfactory senses, I went searching for the comfort calorie. You see, we started fighting again this morning, in earnest-loud, real, scary, this isn't working out type fighting. There's been a lot of crying (on my part) and I just wanted to feel like I used to with him-the place we went is by the lake and was one of our favorite places in "the old days", even though at that time it was called a different name and had different food. It didn't work but at least we are doing much better. We've talked many different times about marriage counseling and this time I am not going to let us forget.
I ended up eating maybe three bites of my burger, only one of those containing meat because I did not like it whatsoever, and I didn't fall into a vat of ranch this time, just had one of those little plastic tub containers and so I would have been okay if I had not proceeded to try and get drunk. (Hubby only had a few beers so that one of us would be responsible, it's a rule.) I never did get drunk really, just consumed a bunch of empty calories and am now up at 3 am with a headache, feeling dehydrated. I was dreaming that I was at the store and was excited about all of the healthy food I was buying, and people from my previous lifetime (pre hubby, baby, etc.) were there judging what I was getting and were sneering and loudly announcing the nasty fried/packaged things they were there to get. Strange. Then I guess I was a man, or I was watching a guy, and he was really into running and was lifting weights at a gym and drinking a ton of water and when people gave him crap about it he just explained how wonderful it made him feel and he just smiled and kept going.
I'm picking myself up off the ground and not going to wallow in the fact that I fell down, so soon after my enthusiastic reawakening. This is a bump in the road, not a full detour, and definitely not a derailment. I also cheated and looked at the scale this morning like an idiot because I felt so good. Of course I promptly saw a number I wasn't expecting and was disappointed and came down a few notches. Exactly why I instituted the damn scale rule in the first place.
Let's strike today from the record, except for the zoo part, that was great and really good exercise to boot. At least I am accomplishing my exercise goals, the food will come along, it's usually my strong point and getting consistent movement is the problem.

Sunday, September 10, 2006

5 days on track and still feeling very good about it. I managed to stick to my plan despite staying at a resort and eating at a gourmet southwestern place and the added temptation of other's paying for it and telling me to order anything I wanted. I did not worry about eating something diet friendly, I just made a choice based on what sounded the best on the menu to me and it ended up being the vegetarian platter! This included: a goat cheese enchilada which was the size of a pencil (though not as long) and then all the veggie sides on the menu-pesto whipped potatoes, black bean banana mash, sauteed mushrooms, steamed asparagus, and jalapeno cheddar grits. I had three drinks over the course of the evening (compared to everyone else that probably had twice that or more) and only a few bites of the kiwi lime creme brulee. This was my "free" meal and then yesterday I was right back to eating more mindfully. I also kept points low (though I did not starve myself) Friday in preparation for that dinner. Saturday I got up, had fruit with yogurt and some coffee, the buffet was huge and I'm proud of navigating it without breakfast tacos and cheese hash browns ending up on my plate, and then we all seperated and I got my suit on and headed to the pool. Do you count going the length of the pool as a lap, or is it all the way down and back is one? I either did 6 or 12 laps of this huge pool, depending on how you look at it, and I felt great. I then laid about and got a bit of color and read my Sh@pe magazine, which was actually pretty good this time. They had an article on activity oriented for women only retreats, like surfing, skiing, and yoga. I want to go on one of these sooo badly. The yoga retreat in Jamaica lets you bring the family, you just take time out to practice yoga, get daily massages, and I don't even remember what else. John Reid has to be 3 so that gives me time to roll up spare change for ten years until he's 11 and we can afford it.
The resistance band workout thing is still blowing my mind but I'm going with it. My entire body has been sore all weekend, which I stopped achieving with free weights due to no one to spot me. The last time I had a spotter it was a guy from the gym that I decided I should avoid. He was definitely interested in me and that is just something I don't need to complicate my life. Hubby refuses to do anything more than play softball or walk the dog so he's not any help, and yet other people willing to help would be guys that more than likely have ulterior motives. I wish I had some strong fitness minded girlies, but alas all my friends are more interested in doing as little as humanly possible and cooking/eating extremely fattening foods. I feel like I have zero support, actually negative if you really look at it. Not only are these people unsupportive, they look down on me because of how I choose to live. I guess I'll send them a postcard from the surfing retreat when I'm 60.

Friday, September 08, 2006

    I'm heating up a bowl of tex mex crock stew (recipe from free low carb menu on ), I'll add a dollop of daisy lite and some jalapeno cheddar goldfish. I get the crunchiness of crackers, a little spice, and the taste of cheese without adding a ton of extra calories. I highly recommend the body clutter or low carb menus from Leanne Ely's website, especially if you are just sick and tired of thinking of what to eat, she even makes out a shopping list. I am digging it and will probably subscribe soon. If the nutritional info doesn't fit in with what you want to do you can always tweak it a bit. We weight loss people are good at that anyway, right? Crock pot recipes are such a lifesaver as long as they are made diet friendly, and I've actually come across quite a few and made up a lot on my own. And now a bit about water: I drink 8-10 glasses a day and I have found a few things that help me achieve this.
    1. I fill up a pitcher full from the cold filtered water out of my fridge and as long as I drink that, maybe add a bit more, than I know I'm good on the amount.
    2. Ice cold water is harder for me drink a ton of, partially because of my sensitive teeth, so room temp water is much better for my purposes.
    3. I add lemon or lime juice and it goes down before I know it.
No workout yesterday unless extreme frustration and angst burns calories. It was a school day and chemistry was driving me apeshit. I did stay perfectly within points an am doing well again today. I'm taking this one day at a time and am feeling good.
Today I tried to do yoga but then felt guilty that I was not playing with my son and I just don't have an hr while he's asleep due to plans with family this weekend. I did about ten minutes I'd say and then I did a full body workout with my resistance bands. I am already sore just sitting here. I'm so mistrustful of workouts that I don't dread, it's silly but I think it has to completely suck while I'm doing it in order to get results. The thing is, I had maxed out my dumbbells and then yoga and now this with the bands and just doing stationary resistance is working better. I think our perceptions hold us back, at least mine do.
Tonight: dinner at a fancy place in the Gaylord Texan hotel after shopping with MIL at Grapevine mills (huge place), so I should get some walking in as well. We have a courtyard room there and I'm looking forward to getting some laps in the pool in when I get up and then lazing around with assorted worthless magazines and getting a little sun. I'll wear sunscreen like a good girl, I'm not into hurting myself with cancer when I'm trying so hard to transform myself. I am on track and staying there this time, damnit.

Thursday, September 07, 2006

Last night I ordered a salad and water with lemon while everyone ate fried appetizers and mini burgers and drank enough beer to kill a horse. I did try a cheese stick and a chicken finger but neither one was very good, and funnily enough the salad was hands down, the best salad I've ever received in a restaurant. I usually think they're too dry or messy, what with the lettuce tumbling about (usually iceberg too, totally nutritionally void) and there being too much on the plate to begin with, thereby not allowing adequate mess it about space.
Then we came home (seperately since hubby came from work to the bar) and he walks in the door with beer in hand. He had bought red str!pe and c0r0na because of the big trips we had taken together and a couple of sp@rks just because I like it. He made a sad face when I asked him if he had not noticed that I ate a SALAD and that I was trying again, and then he explained his reasoning and I felt like a big old bitch and I drank a sp@rks and two beers. I still feel like I did well and the dinner Friday night that I was saving up for is apparently going to be gourmet and very healthy, I've looked over the menu. So, in effect, I did not throw anything off with my alcoholic blunder and I am chalking it up to LIFE, you only have a third anniversary one time unless you're like Elizabeth T@ylor.
My shoulders and triceps are letting me know that I did well on my resistance band workout yesterday. Yes I did it and I felt so proud of myself and I will not be stopping my workouts again. End of story, no room for arguement. I need to add bands on the back and bicep exercises...oh I forgot to mention what I'm actually doing with them now. When I originally got them I was very pleased with the range of exercises and the quality, but it just did not feel as effective as my dumbbells. My MIL has been doing a "new" type of strength training at her gym and I can see a noticeable amount of muscle growth in her upper body, she had next to none and now is sporting some decent biceps and delts. What her trainer does is places progressively heavier weights in different positions and then you hold it and count to 30 seconds. There is no actually range of motion, just muscle fatigue. This guy that has developed it was a ballet dancer (I think) and is also a Pilates instructor. She did not think I could do it on my own because some of the weights she is holding are now way to heavy for her to actually lift into place herself, he places them. I thought I would give it a go with my bands which have no potential to hurt me, and do not require a partner. I can honestly say it works if my DOM has anything to say about it. I do have soreness in my back but not enough and it's hard for me to fatigue my biceps because of lifting our one yr old constantly. I'll definitely be upping it tomorrow. There is also a circuit training workout, incorporating cardio with the strength movies, on a disk that came with the bands, but I've never bothered to check it out or attempt it. I know everything already, you know. *thpppt
Next weigh in will not be until Oct. 4th and I will not be stepping on the blasted scale until then, I make that promise to any wandering soul that happens by here and my two semi regular readers so far that encourage me with comments. I am so excited, it's like that original, "just starting out I can do this" feeling again. On the eating front before I forget: I'm counting points again which I may do for a few weeks and then alternate with calories, BFL type eating, etc. I like to change things up here and there with my eating as well as exercise. I have to say, the points plan on WW is what finally brought me successful weight loss after 2 years of working out hardcore and trying to count calories, it blew my mind at first and it still works now as long as I am not feeling burnt out and likely to halfass it or estimate too much. In addition, if you don't eat exercise points or flex (pick your own silly term) you don't lose as much, at least I did not. I completely came to a standstill for over a month, became frustrated, then proceeded to start steadily losing again when I added 2-3 pts a day. I like having a program to follow, it's easy, and I can do it in my head for the most part which doesn't require astronomical financial expenditures.

Wednesday, September 06, 2006

When was the last time I really worked a program? Really? Thinking about it I am not so sure I can even pinpoint when I started halfassing things. I got to a point where I kept crashing and burning and so I let myself take it easier, which I don't think was a bad idea, but only 3 workouts a week for 2 months, combined with very restrictive eating (vegetarian) and then low calorie/fat, left me with losing a few pounds total and being fed up. I think it's time to kick it up a notch and really kick ass the way I know I can.
The fog finally lifted this morning, I woke without that perennial haze I've been living with and I have decided that "good enough" is not good enough, for me. I'm angry that it is taking me so long yet again. You see, I've lost those same pounds for the second time after having our child and it took me a super long time yet again and I'm not happy with my results. I toy with sizes or weights in my mind, but the thing I really want that I have not achieved is the feeling I'm after, strength, and the look and reality I have mouthed about striving for is that of an athlete. A strong, sleek, cat like body for lack of a better description. I am not looking to be a twig, or even extremely ripped, but I want my outsides to reflect my insides.
Today I am watching my nutrition yet again and I took John Reid for a thirty minute walk, mainly up hills. Pushing all 25 lbs of him plus his stroller, really makes that a much better form of exercise than just whistling Dixie by myself. I'm about to do a resistance workout (upper body I'm thinking) and I pledge to honor myself at dinner tonight. We're going to a sports bar for a friends birthday (and somewhat our anniversary, which is today but we're going to a nice place Friday night) and I will eat like an athlete that cares for her body, not a sports fan with a mountainous beer gut.

Monday, September 04, 2006

I'm in a very weird place mentally and trying to fight my way out, which to tell the truth, I wasn't so sure would happen this time. I am feeling beyond sick of the weight loss game, ready to chuck in the towel, tired of all of the obsessing and working for what seems like no results. Yes I've lost nearly thirty pounds, and yet I still have rolls hanging off my stomach and it just plain pisses me off. I guess it's from the pregnancy, my problem area was always my legs in the past and while they are still not wonderful, they're much better and my waist and abdomen is the size it was at my old +15 lb weight. I thought I would be happy if I could just get my legs thinner and I told myself that after losing the baby weight that put me back at square one I would be happy and not beat myself up about my body. Well, guess what? I still do it and I'm afraid I'm going to always do it unless I completely retrain my brain so that I don't think so much on how I look. Let's face it, this is about vanity at this point for the most part, my health stats area pretty excellent and I'm finally in an offically "normal" BMI zone, this is about those rolls, this is about flabby arms, a saggy butt, jiggly thighs, and is all this mental anguish really worth it? I don't think it is and I'm struggling with where do I go from here thoughts. I'm in a funk all the way around today though, and I can already feel my perfectionist tendencies trying to formulate a new plan of attack.
I baked an apple pie today and it turned out alright, I ate so much my stomach still sort of hurts and I just feel blah. I can at least say I got off my ass finally and washed dishes, put up two day old laundry, and put up our son's clothes. I've lost my routines from being sick for the last few weeks and just being weak and tired every day, and I think that's why I feel lost. Hopefully I'll wake up tomorrow, the pity party will have left the building, and I'll like myself again.

Friday, September 01, 2006

I go through these phases, usually shortlived thankfully, that I feel like stopping the weight loss shennanigans completely. During these times I long to go back to the days "before", you know, before I started actually caring about my health and appearance. I look back fondly and distort things so that I was always happy with my looks, with my activities, with my life, etc. In reality, this is all bullshit, but it takes at least a day or so at times to snap out of this type of thinking. My latest rebellion, oddly enough, is not tracking, working out, etc-the normal things you would expect. I've gotten more and more irritated at the level of sodium I can safely ingest without waking up with swollen ankles and gut and general irritability. I stopped buying basically any "convenience food" out there because of the afore mentioned effects and quite frankly, having to prepare ALL MY OWN DAMN FOOD EVERY DAY gets really, really, old. But unless I want to look and feel like this:

going out to eat or eating frozen meals, salad dressings, most soups, salsa, spaghetti sauce, most asian foods...simply not an option.
Yoga tonight for the first time since my illness-I took The Boy for a walk yesterday and the puny 1.15 mile around through the neighborhood kicked my ass. Going back to square one always pisses me off. I'm grumpy, I think I need a nap.