Monday, September 04, 2006

I'm in a very weird place mentally and trying to fight my way out, which to tell the truth, I wasn't so sure would happen this time. I am feeling beyond sick of the weight loss game, ready to chuck in the towel, tired of all of the obsessing and working for what seems like no results. Yes I've lost nearly thirty pounds, and yet I still have rolls hanging off my stomach and it just plain pisses me off. I guess it's from the pregnancy, my problem area was always my legs in the past and while they are still not wonderful, they're much better and my waist and abdomen is the size it was at my old +15 lb weight. I thought I would be happy if I could just get my legs thinner and I told myself that after losing the baby weight that put me back at square one I would be happy and not beat myself up about my body. Well, guess what? I still do it and I'm afraid I'm going to always do it unless I completely retrain my brain so that I don't think so much on how I look. Let's face it, this is about vanity at this point for the most part, my health stats area pretty excellent and I'm finally in an offically "normal" BMI zone, this is about those rolls, this is about flabby arms, a saggy butt, jiggly thighs, and is all this mental anguish really worth it? I don't think it is and I'm struggling with where do I go from here thoughts. I'm in a funk all the way around today though, and I can already feel my perfectionist tendencies trying to formulate a new plan of attack.
I baked an apple pie today and it turned out alright, I ate so much my stomach still sort of hurts and I just feel blah. I can at least say I got off my ass finally and washed dishes, put up two day old laundry, and put up our son's clothes. I've lost my routines from being sick for the last few weeks and just being weak and tired every day, and I think that's why I feel lost. Hopefully I'll wake up tomorrow, the pity party will have left the building, and I'll like myself again.

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