Monday, January 29, 2007

I need to post but right now nothing floating around upstairs is worth committing to ye olde blogosphere. It's been a hairy couple of days: workout since Saturday posts due to studying ass off for first exam
3.first exam sucked ass
4.sick toddler
5.took time out from studying last night to make a new spaghetti squash dish that I was looking forward to eating today, dropped container getting it out of fridge, which shattered and ruined the whole thing with me not getting even one bite
6.myriad other crappy things
7. PMS
8.appt. with uroligist early in the morning to hopefully find out what the hell is wrong with me and maybe finally have sex again after MONTHS
TMI? So sorry, but I'm so miserable I don't care at this point.

Lots of good posts out there, I intend to comment when I can get my head straight.

Saturday, January 27, 2007

I'm at war with myself.
On Jan. 5th (or 6th, I can't remember) I said to myself, "Enough. You are going to stop this negative lifestyle you've adopted in the pursuit of a perfection that is not obtainable. If you continue to think this way about yourself, and food, and your body image, you will never be happy." At first, meaning really the first week or so considering it has only been three weeks, it seemed easy, I felt as if I were floating and woke up happy each day. It started to slow down when I weighed myself and saw that same higher number than my usual. Chanting the mantra of, "The number means nothing at this point, you're gaining muscle and taking care of yourself" I soldiered on, fighting my negativity still. The next week was harder, but I stuck with it and felt great and when I did the "official" two week measurement I discovered my body was the smallest (in a good, healthy way) ever in my adult life, and then I fell sick. Four days was all it took to bring me down, four days of no workouts and slightly wonky food. I only got in three workouts this past week and it showing in my body and more importantly my mind.
I am fighting a battle with myself, the desire to go back to counting my food and limiting my intake against what my body tells me it wants it back. All day it has flitted in and out of my thoughts, and I know I have to push back against these self destructive suggestions. I had already decided I would go into a "cut" right before bathing suit season, and that this was more about maintainence and muscle growth.
This is all just so exhausting at times, it really is. So exhausting to be nice to myself and to refuse the negative thoughts, the doubt, dealing with the stress of life. The thing is though, this is life-not something that is temporary or that you can shrug off, this is simply life and making the effort to have the best one that I can. That means feeding myself properly, working out regularly, and working every minute of every day to fend off the things that drag me down.
Workout today-20 min elliptical, 4.5 miles, 306 calories burned.

Friday, January 26, 2007

Yoga was on the schedule this morning but when I awoke, DOM had hit me pretty hard, especially in the chest area. I couldn't face the vinyasa sequence over and over at the time (plank, push ups, upward dog, downward dog). Anyway, I told myself I'd figure out something later and harrumphed through my morning, got to class, picked up my transcript, went to the grocery, and went to the post office for a lifetime, or at least it felt that way. I tried something today-this Org. Chem class is a doozy, so I dressed sort of "up", professional clothes that I would have worn to the office that just sit in my closet now that I'm home most of the time being Mama. It did affect my mental outlook and I felt more in control and sharper. It is truly strange what our minds are capable of if only we allow it.
I've felt out of sorts lately at home and then at around 4:30 Husband proposed a family walk and then also a visit to feed the ducks some bread. I jumped on the chance and ended up walking at a good pace pushing the stroller for at least an hr, maybe a bit more. Family time and burnt more calories than I would have doing the yoga that I just wasn't feeling today. We went to dinner and I ordered sensibly, had only one beer, and took half my meal home. I had what I wanted and what I wanted just also happened to be good choices.
I could have fleshed this out a bit but I'm actually pretty worn out and Husband is lobbying for bed.

Wednesday, January 24, 2007

Today I felt well enough to get back to flinging metal around, and so I managed to fit it in depsite a hectic day and I feel so much better for it. It's a chain reaction, when I workout I tend to eat better, however it doesn't work the other way around as well. Maybe I haven't seen a correlation because in the past "eating well" meant dieting and on 1200-1350 calories I just don't have energy for anything more than chasing our son and going to school and running the household. Okay, even that was a stretch, no wonder I lost my shit periodically and cracked up on the kitchen floor. NEED MORE FOOOOOOD.
Anyway, onward.
It is still amazingly freeing to not count anything, whether it be points or calories. Sunday started off a four day spree of sliding back into no counting=making bad choices, but I know it doesn't have to equal that and I have the tools, the knowledge, and the economic status to buy and prepare healthy, nutritious meals. It may sound weird to throw in the economy comment, but so many people do NOT have the money to buy fresh fruit and veggies, leaner cuts of meat, whole wheat get the picture. I think it CAN be done on a budget, and I don't throw money around all crazy like, but it IS harder. Considering Ramen noodles are like 10/$1.00, need I go on really? Sometimes I don't keep this in mind, I get cranky and tired and frustrated like anyone, but overall it helps to try and remember to be grateful. Wow, re-reading that I wanna kick my Polly Anna ass! Just trying to be positive, I've been freaking out all night (read:crying, holding head in hands) about getting into the school I've been working so hard towards for the last two years.
So, could not sleep last night and had my first lab this morning. I had planned on getting up at 6:20 to get my lifting in, but as the hours rolled by with my eyes still wide open I had to reset the alarm for after 7. Up at 7, dealt with a tired toddler and got to school on time, felt like I needed toothpicks to prop open my eyelids. Nerves caused me to make stupid errors in lab, but no major harm done really. I now have a lab report to write, but let's not think about that now. Got out of lab in time to get home, quickly eat a sandwich and then head out to the garage before picking up our son and driving over to my mother's for a visit. Roughly a 40 minute workout, burned 330 calories (100 more than last time) and upper and lower body were quivering for some time afterwards. I do shoulder press, pushups, deadlifts, squats, walking lunges, calf raises, tricep extension, bicep curls, lateral raises...I think that is it. I do no more than two sets on each body part-I believe if you do more than that you are not lifting heavy enough. If I had a smith machine I think I could get it down to one set, but with no spotter-2 it is. I started out with a 5 minute warm up on the elliptical trainer and did about a mile in that time which is more distance than usual.
Summary: exercise is great, food is on track again, sleep is greatly needed. Brain meltdown-directly related to degree of cohesion of entry.

Tuesday, January 23, 2007

I suppose I just can't take cold medicine, it took me half the day today to shake off the "hangover" feeling and I had to drink a lo-carb M0nster energy drink to even accomplish that. I have eaten entirely too much for days now and have done no exercise and I am feeling like total crap. I can't wait to get back to working out, I plan on heading to bed in a moment so I can get up and hit the weights with my new gloves. Tomorrow morning is my first lab in Organic Chem and I'm nervous, but I did my pre lab work and should do alright, all I can do is my best.

Monday, January 22, 2007

I am sick and have slept most of the day and did not workout like I desperately want to, but I got some gloves for lifting from wally world like Mar!a suggested and am looking forward to trying them out soon. I am CRAVING a workout-I hate falling victim to wee beasties, why can't I be superwoman?

Sunday, January 21, 2007

Last evening was "Girlie Night", where a group of us friends get together and basically have a huge selection of food and drink and we um, hang out and eat it. The name Girlie Night sounds to me like heading to a nudie bar, but not quite so erase that from your memory. It is sort of hard for me to be in this group of women because they are pretty much all overweight to varying degrees and make disparaging comments towards me here and there every time we're together, because to them I am the thin girl that is an enemy in a weird way, but they keep inviting me to hang out so it is sort of confusing. They have no idea what I have gone through, or what my mental hangups still are, or just how damn hard I have worked to get to this state of thinness that they seem to think was handed to me. Hmm, now that I write this I wonder why I keep going back. The thing is they are all also witty, intelligent, fun people and I don't think they realize the comments and attitudes hurt my feelings. Perhaps if I just opened my gob and TOLD THEM it hurts they would stop it or reconsider, I am just afraid of being the "whiney skinny girl, boo hoo I'm thin". Another distorted thing is, in my head when the label of thin is applied to me I still don't accept it and feel strange saying it out loud. Any admission that I have achieved what I have worked for years on is bragging somewhere in my subconscious. I think it relates back to an offhand comment from my MIL, I had told her happily that I thought I was finally in an 8 and was very excited and that was all I said, sharing something with someone that I thought would be happy for me too, and later she made the comment to someone else, "Erin was bragging about being an 8 all weekend."
Ah well, life goes on-I did ok with the party food and now I'm going to finish getting ready, go get my best friend, and drive to see my grandma that was diagnosed with cancer this year, she's getting worse a lot faster than we thought and I just want to have time with my friend (grandma) before that is no longer an option. She's always been my hero and it is hard to reconcile that the world will no longer be blessed with her presence.

Saturday, January 20, 2007

What a morning! The alarm went off at 7 in order for me to wake our son up and get him fed so he would still be sleepy and ready to go back to bed. This was the plan in order for me to knock out a session of yoga (Husband is gone this morning), but when the alarm sounded I turned it off and grumbled back to sleep for thirty minutes. Straight away I could tell the little one was still tired so I put him to bed, changed clothes to practice yoga, and the proceeded to struggle for twenty-five minutes trying to get my dvd to play somewhere, ANYWHERE in this house. The living room set kept kicking back a NO DISC msg, my laptop had no audio, and the bedroom didn't read it either. Finally, I desperately decided to try and do it from memory with it playing silently on my laptop if I needed to double check anything. I felt like the universe was against me but I had to try and time was running out quickly. When I went to get it out of the bedroom player I noticed it WAS WORKING! Eureka!
Then my HRM started acting up and not reading my heartbeat so I just pulled it off and chunked it. I really love wearing it and getting numbers to soothe my nerdy soul but yoga is really for my mental health (on top of the physical rewards) and I also knew I needed a good stretch.
Long boring story short-I got it done, feel wonderful, and am proud I persevered. Also, my size 8 Lucky brand jeans fit better than ever now, despite being 5 lbs heavier so I feel like I have made amazing progress adding muscle mass. I was always told women can't build muscle that quickly but I beg to differ, I believe I have put on somewhere around 3 lbs of muscle in the last month, that is just an estimate. Those jeans were hanging over my head because since I've rebelled against dieting they were too tight and too much squish hanging over the top, and I hate to admit it but it bummed me out. There is nothing hanging over now and they button easily. Last night I could not get to sleep because I laid there poking and pinching and prodding, excited and hopefully and worked up about what is finally happening for me. I have finally found an eating style I can truly live with for life and workouts that I can keep up and that really work and get results. I have had issues with my weight and self image my whole life and have hardcore dieted for about the last five years, and it has finally led me to a good place. How funny that working on your head really does take care of the rest, I never thought that applied to me. Live and learn.
I plan on doing 3 5k runs/walks this year, and while it would be cool to run one/all of them, I'm not sure where that fits into my current exercise plan. Running still eludes me but maybe with the strength I am gaining and the fat I am dropping I can finally do it, we'll see.

Friday, January 19, 2007

I weighed and measured this morning and I am in SHOCK. My waist is the smallest it has been since I became cognizant of the size of my waist. I dropped an inch and a half in the last two weeks of eating with common sense and trying to slow it down and actually taste things, but with a major slack in the reins, and trying to do 4-5 quality intense workouts focusing on weight training, interval cardio, and yoga. I felt that I had moved past the point of being destroyed by the scale and I have-it had actually gone up half a pound from two weeks ago and yet I am smaller. This means muscle. This means happy Erin! Spark has you measure waist, hips, and neck. Down 1.5 inches on waist, same on hips and same on neck. The hip measurement indicated I've added muscle to my rearview which makes me very happy-the women in my family tend to have flat asses and that does not mean they stay small either. Picture a large pancake when left to molder minus exercise. I had also developed the weird love handle things that hang over people's jeans and they do exposes on with blurred faces, and those are pretty much gone. I noticed that yesterday-no big humps sitting on the top of my rear, hard to properly explain.
Anyway, things are changing, for the better, and I am most pleased.
My weight has gone from 145 avg to 149.5 this morning, and yet my waist went from 28.5 at 149lbs to 27 at 149.5. The smallest my waist got was 28 inches at 144.5 lbs obsessing over food and not having enough energy to workout. Guess which way I'm going to keep heading...

Thursday, January 18, 2007

The full soreness I expected never did quite set in, but my legs are still definitely pretty drained, especially the quads. I used the same amount of weight for the squat sets that I have the last few times, but this time I did them slowly and with major attention to form. For clarification purposes, I never fling myself around or anything but I have found counting to two on the positive part of the rep and to four on the negative has really improved the quality of my sets.
These antibiotics I am on (for yet another UTI) make me feel sluggish and start up the litany of excuses in my head about putting off a workout or moving it to another day, which produces the end result of a MISSED workout, not a rescheduled one. Today I even had my gear on including HRM, waiting for the Boy to nap, and yet I still started in with the, "Oh I don't feel so well, I don't think I should be operating anything like this..." before I just got off my ass and went out there and DID IT.
My legs were tired from lifting Tuesday night still, I could feel it pretty badly the first half though my HR was not rising nearly as quickly as it has been, so my cardiovascular fitness has improved definitely. Personal best of 4.7 miles today in 20 minutes and then I did my silly dancing for a bit. I definitely felt a little altered during the workout and twice I got weird pelvic twinges like cramps but a little more heavy duty. Of course I was fine though, and I would have whinged my way out of another chance to improve my health. Nike was right, JUST DO IT sometimes.
On the eating front I'm noticing that I do much better with mindfully tasting and enjoying my food and slowing down when I am alone or with our son. With Husband home or out to eat with him or others, I still am racing through it and eating way too much. This is my next hurdle to really work on, though I do want to give myself a pat on the back for going out to eat to a very yummy place last night and only eating ONE croissant even though two more were just sitting there and my MIL kept urging everyone to eat them. I also ordered a cup of soup and a salad instead of the other not so smart offerings, and here's the real kicker: I ordered it because that is what sounded BEST to me, not because I was punishing myself or denying anything. I knew I could order anything I wanted on that menu and yet the soup and salad was most appealing. I feel like this is a major breakthrough.

Wednesday, January 17, 2007

Quicksand sucked at my feet, I could feel the initial descent into a loss of motivation to workout, the beginning of The Excuses. "It's too cold, I'm tired, I have no time, I'm sore, I'm depressed..." it goes on this way and I can think of just about any justification though inside no one is fooled.
Sitting on the couch last night with this laptop in my UH LAP (duh) the violence and noise coming from the Husband's favorite show started really irritating me and I jumped up, marched back to our room, and suited up to go lift some heavy metal objects in the garage. Thinking about this now, yes the show irritated me but was I perhaps also internally fed up with my excuses?
As soon as I stepped outside (into the garage) just how DAMN COLD it was hit me and I wanted to turn around but I decided to hop on the elliptical instead and try to get warmed up. It is not that easy to balance on the darn thing and pull your hands inside your sleeves at the same time. STILL COLD, but my five minute warm up was accomplished and I headed to the bench to begin my shoulder press-as soon as I touched the bar I knew my hands were going to get too cold to hold the heavy weights long enough and popped back in to ask for gloves from Husband. He located a thin pair of hunting gloves he actually bought for me (though I don't go with him regularly, not my thing) and my hands were still freezing but I got through the entire workout and yes, I hate to admit it but wearing gloves DID help controlling the heavier dumbbells. I've been against gloves because my hero (Krista) said it defeats the purpose of building your grip, which makes sense but wow did it go more smoothly.
I felt like a giant when I finished up, the squat sets made me feel like puking so I consider it a success. Just starting to get sore, usually I workout towards the morning and the next day when I wake I am in agony but there's about a ten hr delay since this was a night workout. It's starting to set in, and maybe I'm strange but I like it-a tangible reminder that I did well.
Woke up this morning early to go back to school and as soon as I stepped into the bathroom and looked at my belly in the glaring light I felt squishy and fat again and out of control and maybe I should weigh or measure? and maybe I should go back to points and calorie restricting...just for a little while? NO! God, when am I going to stop it? I am in good shape and getting better and the goal is to build muscle not to disappear. I thought about it all through my shower but when I stepped out I gave myself the hairy eyeball and mentally slapped myself back to reality. Stop putting yourself down, stop criticizing, you are not overweight anymore and even if you were there is no reason to be so mean to yourself. I had not realized how often I thought dummy or dumbass or you name it until just recently. I ignored all the "love yourself" talk, certain it wasn't for me and that I didn't do that. Surprise, surprise.
After I dressed and walked into the kitchen to make coffee I saw the snow outside and sure enough, checking my school's website showed cancelled classes for me and the local ISD too, so no school for junior. He is napping and I could be on the elliptical right now but it is really cold after all, and I should rest after lifting, and I hear there might be solar flares, and it's not the right moon cycle...

Tuesday, January 16, 2007

Exercise has not been accomplished since Sunday but the day is not over and if it ends without me deliberately moving my ass I won't beat myself up-food is on the upswing. It only took a few days for me to stop eating mindfully without putting a lot of effort towards it, so today the effort has returned. I don't feel hungry as easily, I get full faster (or at least process the feeling) and the textures and flavors in my food seem so much richer. I now know this is how I want to live my life, not counting points, or charting calories, or examining macro nutrients intensely. If that is what works for others and they don't mind living their life that way FOR ETERNITY that is fine. I know it is just a groovy part of life for plenty of people but it really caused me to burn out after doing it for the last several years. Finding a good balance between rest and workouts is my current issue to work on, added to by remembering to eat mindfully. I really do make good choices when I am involved in the process instead of acting like a human hoover, shoveling it down the hatch as quickly as possible.
Today I have eaten weight control oatmeal because I am trying to finish the box and it just sounded good, added a mini box of raisins and drank my cup and a half of coffee. It's Yuban brand, a coffee growing co-op (smaller op) and I think it's cool to try and help out the smaller people instead of fueling the larger corporations. Not that I do this consistently but hey, the coffee is pretty darned good. Anyway, then for lunch I had a salad with: roasted cauliflower, broccoli, and yellow squash, grilled leeks, a sprinkle of walnuts and low fat feta cheese, olives, and a homemade dressing of a touch of olive oil, lemon juice and balsamic vinegar. It was good and I thought it would be a filler to lessen the taco soup portion to follow but it ended up being plenty on it's own. I just ate the taco soup (more like a chili, not very soupy) and I am completely stuffed because I slowed down and thought about it the whole time and took pauses. Yesterday I ate a little bit more of it even as a portion and when I finished eating it quickly and without thought I sat there deliberating over whether I should go get more.
Last week's vegetable of the week was leeks, which I grilled as I mentioned above, and this week it is cabbage. I'm trying to find a recipe that really appeals to me online but so far nothing is just knocking my socks off, if there's anyone out there and you want to share one, please do.
Each day is a challenge, luckily I am up for it.

Monday, January 15, 2007

Today is one of those days when it all feels like such hard going. My calories are going to be high because I have to go out to eat for dinner even though I would rather not and my desire to no longer care about that is flopping about on the floor, gasping for air. No workout this morning despite laying out my mat and other gear, popping the dvd in the player ahead of time, everything. I just could not get up this morning and have sat on the couch all day being a sad sap. The truth of the matter is, back to school Wednesday, for more chemistry that I am terrified of because last semester was so fricking horrible and my little guy starts Mother's Day out for the first time on that same day. I want to cry.
My stomach is still mysteriously fairly flat despite the slackened hold on the reins and yet I am a paranoid mess that is sure I will put all the weight back on and more. I have never felt so much fear about this even though I know I need to let go and just be NICE TO MYSELF. Why is is so hard, I'm a likeable sort.

Sunday, January 14, 2007

So I read just a bit of the beginning of DG's journey, and after eating a venison/jalapeƱo sandwich I went and hopped on the elliptical for a gut busting 20 minutes. If the question was, "Is this going to hurt if I do cardio immediately after eating? then the answer is I got a stitch with 8 minutes to go but I powered through and went the distance. Not only did I finish, but a new personal best of 4.5 miles in 20 minutes (previously 4.4) and the workout went faster than it has ever before I think. I was done a whole song and a half before I usually am which means I didn't take nearly as many breaks to catch my breath and calm my heart rate down-in short MORE FIT! Yay! Another question answered is what happens if my HRM says 190? I feel like puking, that's what, but at least with the knowledge of where it is at I can tone it down immediately instead of telling myself I'm being a wimp and to push on when in reality, not a good idea.
Midsection is squidgy again after not eating so great the last few days and drinking da beers, but I am back on track.
Oh, and while doing the end of my workout I could not help but dance on the elliptical, then when its buzzer chimed I hopped off and danced like a crazy woman for probably another ten minutes, I just felt so alive and happy and the music was excellent. The songs that really made me move my butt today:

Gone Daddy Gone-Gnarls Barkley
Ooh La La-Goldfrapp
Rock the Casbah-The Clash
Such Great Heights-The Postal Service

Unexpected visit from in-laws, tired 18 month old, and a desperately needed trip to the grocery store despite the torrential downpour and borderline freezing temps all mean I have to put it in high gear, just wanted to update that my mood is swinging around like a chimp on a chandelier.
I'm starting to flail around already. That wonderful elusive feeling I had finally settled into has really lived up to its descriptor. I wish I had some inspiration to read, I may have to go back and re-read someone's archives, so if you notice a lot of hits and wonder who is stalking you, it's just me.

Saturday, January 13, 2007

Last night I drank too much and went out to eat even though we had food already cooked here at home. Good choices? No. The day went poorly, rainy and cold with a dash of depression over my grandma. Maybe I need to fall back on counting my food when I have a day like that because my good choice maker seems to be broken at those times. I don't know, we'll see.
My planned workout for today is not happening because I feel so bad from the beer and subsequent broken sleep. It probably wasn't a good idea to schedule anything the day after a lifting day, I woke up with my upper body in serious DOMS, it's usually my lower body that is sore but apparently I finally hit my upper as hard as I should and my limited abilities to really lift heavy here at home without a spotter didn't do enoughfor my lower.
I think I will start going back to the gym once or twice a week so I can really push to lift as heavy as I need to see progress.
I've progressed to doing my push-ups off the weight bench instead of the higher trailer. I think I mentioned I can do them on the floor now but not many and not with good form so I think I'll continue on the weight bench until that becomes too easy and then we'll see what I find next or if I go straight to the floor. I don't think my pecs have ever been this sore.
Today should be interesting, mild hangover while taking care of our child and then going to a three yr old's birthday party, by myself with no help from the Husband who is off duck hunting for the weekend.

Friday, January 12, 2007

My first bumps in the road cropped up yesterday. I woke up sore all over and the previous days thoughts of, "Yoga is awesome!" shifted to, "Fucking yoga." I decided to reset the alarm and have a rest day, and yet...when I got up I realized that it was mainly my lats that were sore from all the plank, upward dog and push up positions, and I could have in fact done my cardio. At least I think I could have and there must be something to beat myself up about right? I fell off my happy self esteem summit yesterday but I'm scrabbling back to the top today.
Let's review: What made me have a not so great day? I skipped my planned workout because of perceived severe soreness while still laying in the bed, never a good idea. I should have at least gotten up to hit the loo or something and then reassessed. A big part of my new lifestyle is resting when my body is telling me I need it, something I tend to ignore usually and then I crash and burn. So I don't think it was a total loss, just a learning experience. No workout started the day badly and then: I didn't really try and balance my meals that well, ate mindlessly several times, and then proceeded to eat a salty dinner, which was followed by a trip to Br@ums for a peanut butter cup mix. I do not think the ice cream was a misstep in itself, I only wanted a few bites and that is all I had before giving it over to the Husband, but the chocolate tasted waxy to me and really wasn't worth it. The salty food was a reaction to drinking too MUCH water yesterday, I think I got low on sodium and then overcompensated, should have stopped drinking water when I started feeling funny.
Then there was the biggie: measuring myself when I had decided not to do so anymore, until I can get my head straight. I also stepped on the scale this morning, another no-no. Is that being good to me? No. I am still not at a point where I can detach from numbers that should mean nothing when my clothes are fitting fine and I feel good.
This morning I got up, did a full body free weights workout (my arms are shaky still typing this, good sign) and then came in and cooked myself oatmeal and an egg white omelette. I am back on track taking care of me and I am good enough, not lazy, not a failure, and not doing damage to myself.
Gap jeans that were super tight last time I tried them on fit easily this morning, take that inner naysayer!

Thursday, January 11, 2007

New to me veggie of the week: Leeks. Inspired by a recipe in the new grill cookbook we got at Christmas, and then reading about a soup with leeks on a friend's page, led me to buy a bundle of leeks this week as part of my new effort to try veggies either in different ways or different veggies all together. I grilled the leeks as suggested and they turned out really well and immediately make me think of egg rolls when I bite into them without the added bad business of MSG, grease, or sodium. I can definitely see eating them again chopped up into some type of Asian inspired dish. Another big deal about this is that I actually followed a recipe out of a book that we own. I'm not sure what my hangup is, but I get overwhelmed when reading recipes and usually shut the book and never try anything. I have many lovely cookbooks that I have never used in the years that I have owned them. Online is different somehow, I've done recipes from various googlings, but not the books. So, new veggie: check and cooking from a recipe book: check.
Also, even though my back is really sore from yoga yesterday, I tried doing regular push-ups and even though my form was probably not great, I did it-three in fact before I told myself I wasn't doing it properly, or it was a fluke. More of the negative self talk I am sorting out-even now I'm sort of leery of stating that I can do a push-up, because if I state it I am either boasting (bad) or it won't be true next time I try (bad). I crumpled and got out my measuring tape halfway through the day-measurements are up except thighs and I know it is from bloating, I've had issues all day that aren't worth mentioning. I am not letting it get me down, but I am bummed a bit that I got the damn tape out at all. This is what I'm trying to break myself of, I even let some pts counting sneak in before I caught myself earlier. None of this! Grrr.
I bought some nice lined black velvet pants form Ann Taylor over the holidays, size 8, last pair they had, marked down from $98 to $19.99. Over the last week or so worry would periodically crop up that, "Oh sure you're all happy and free now but you won't be able to wear those pants you got that you were so excited about now, good going." Guess what? Pants fit better than when I bought them, so shut up negativity.
Thoughts are too jumbled, I have so much to say bouncing around but I am never satisfied with how it comes out here, perfectionism maybe.

Wednesday, January 10, 2007

I rolled out of bed this morning and tried to convince myself that I could skip practicing yoga, I needed more sleep, I would do it later. After staring blearily into the mirror for a few minutes I started putting my workout clothes on and even had the heart rate monitor strap around my chest, fumbling for the watch that goes with it, when my husband asked, "What exactly are you doing honey?"

"I'm getting ready to go do yoga..." I answered. "It's two in the morning." "No it's not, it's six." After checking my watch with the light up screen feature I realized I had four more hrs to sleep and I'm not sure what the hell happened, but PAT ON THE BACK for me because I was getting up on 3 hrs of sleep determined to practice yoga. No wonder I felt so tired during my self convincing speech.

At 6 o'clock I got right out of bed, after all-6 was nothing after getting up at 2 (I normally roll out of bed around 9 so this is a big deal for me) and I put my gear back on and proceeded to do an hr of power yoga. For the curious, 400 calories burned for an hr of the yoga tape I love (this is including warm up and cool down). I have wondered what kind of expenditure I could expect from doing that dvd and now I know and I am such a dork but I love my heart rate monitor. And if you think it is in inaccurate, please don't tell me. I think it really is accurate because of how exhausted I am afterwards, the shakiness of my entire body and how hard I can feel my heart beating during hard poses. Plus, Rodney Yee loves going through vinyasa or sun salutations.

I cannot believe I have been awake since 6, worked out for an hr, showered and dressed by 8:30, and enrolled our son in MDO for Wednesdays. He's already signed up for M-F at another location and I think he is going to love it. Mama will be the one crying I am sure, but there is no other way and I know it will be good for him. Organic Chem happens to be only available during the day unless I want to take the insanely hard class. Not so much.

Monday, January 08, 2007

I feel so good, so free. Letting go of this strange desire to in essence, disappear or make myself smaller, has lightened my heart. I am sure I will have scared moments with letting go this control I've had the last several years. The planning and scrutinizing of food, of calories, of me. I ate some 2% cottage cheese earlier and was happy in not measuring it-I didn't even measure with cups and such like some people do and yet not even mentally measuring was good, I just thought, "How much would I like to have, would fill me up?" The thing is, without FOOD being suck a focus it has lost its power. I've probably eaten LESS today than I would if I was trying to not eat much, sort of the Margaret Cho diet, or the Frenchies don't get fat idea. Don't get me wrong, I don't think I can magically stop worrying about it and not gain weight and keep on getting leaner. My focus now is TRULY (like I have claimed several times) on getting stronger and adding muscle and healing my mental weirdness-my self developed eating disorders. I am not part of that anymore and I like myself more each day and I am startled to see how dangerously thin a lot of women on teevee are today. Watching Las Vegas the other night kinda threw me for a loop with the visible rib cages and angular faces. Anyway, I took the pictures at top to put on my sparkpage and liked both of them, and was able to SEE the shape to my arms and shoulders and they just made me happy and I wanted to share.
I'm just so damn happy, I think I've met someone new-myself.

Sunday, January 07, 2007

I happened to click on one of the top points leaders on sparkpeople and read that she enters all her exercise in ahead of time for the week. Seems like an insignificant thing right? Well I decided to try it myself as it connected for me that several of the most successful people I've read do just that, even if it's not in spark. Two of my preplanned workouts have already been checked off and I am feeling very optimistic and confident that I can keep up with things and be so much happier.
Many times have I said to myself and others that I won't count pts or calories anymore, and then I go back to it. It's scary, it means letting go some and actually trusting myself to make good nutritional decisions. How am I ever going to be a good nutritionist for others if I can't do this myself, for myself? It feels wonderful so far: I am following a BFL/GI Diet way of eating but that is purely because I think it's the best "no counting" way of eating for good health/fitness. Don't get me wrong, I still want to get in even better shape but I am also working on accepting myself as I am now. Negative self talk has really crept in over the past 4-5 yrs of dieting. I am done with dieting, it has turned me into this stress monkey control freak that is perpetually unhappy with my body. I always had a good attitude about myself before, regardless of size or shape and I want that thinking back. It's a chain reaction: I stress about food, I snap at my loved ones (which affects my marriage and friendships), I'm never happy with anything (or anyone), and no matter how far I go it's not enough. Well, I AM good enough and it's time to put up or shut up.
Yesterday we walked so long that my feet finally hurt and my legs were tired-the DMA has a Van Gogh exhibit which ends today and we tried to visit that but the line was 2 hrs long and with a baby that does not compute. So we walked through downtown Dallas over to the World Aquarium, which has been redone and is even better now, and then went back to the car and drove to Cuba Libre for dinner. It's Cuban/S. American food and delicious. They make frozen mojitos and excellent jerked steak tacos, and we tried dungenouss crab flautas for appetizers. Wow, and I enjoyed it guilt free, along with a few Coronas with lime at home and an ill advised Cosmo. Don't worry, hubby hardly drank at all, we don't believe in being smashed at the same time with our baby in the house, some of our friends do that and it worries me. Anyway, I drank lots of water and took some Alleve and slept a good 10-11 hrs. Full body workout accomplished when the baby took his nap and I am still shaky and feel wonderful. A combination of static contractions and negative reps really took care of business.
This is all over the place and not well written but I'm afraid this loud ass keyboard is going to wake the Boy. Hopefully I'll be able to explain this better to myself and to anyone that may pass by-ACK, I knew this keyboard was too loud.

Thursday, January 04, 2007

We've been to the grocery and I feel in control again and like this is not a problem. What an amazing difference it makes being prepared and having the right tools to achieve such seemingly impossible goals. If you try and go about half assed then you are just asking for heartache and trouble.

Note the fresh fruits (Fuji apples are hiding under the clementines), full veggie drawer, and my water glass and baby carrots I'm currently munching. The pink/brown notebook is where I write my food, water, exercise, and what I'm grateful for that day. I'd let that fall by the wayside as well. Coincidence?
Last night went downhill in a hurry, in fact the sled must have been greased up with Crisco it went so quickly. I ate waaay too much after doing pretty well all day and ended up sitting on the couch feeling sorry for myself. Sparkpeople, my new best friend, says I can eat in the 1375-1700 calorie range, well according to my calculations I ate 1685, but you know that no matter how much you try your count can be off and I'm not going to get that crazy anyway. Back up the pound I had lost from that excrutiatingly hard day. I like to weigh daily so I feel like I'm in control, which may sound horrible to a lot of people but it's how my mind works. My mother says it's not our fault that we're bossy and controlling, we come from a long line of teachers. I am choosing to adopt that theory. So, I realize that weight is not real, but the longer I dither about with getting rid of the holiday pounds, the more real they become. Ever notice that? If you gain some weight that you KNOW is just bloating/water weight and immediately bust ass to get rid of it, it's not that hard...but if you let it hang around and then bounce up and down it becomes real poundage and takes forever. At least that's the way it is for me.
I had a real whingefest last night. Why can't I just be naturally thin? Most of the thin women I know/meet do confess to not doing much to get or stay that way and it flat out pisses me off. I am not fat at this point, I realize this, but it makes me angry that I have to work really hard to have a decent body-not even a great one like I want.
That type of thinking is counter productive and I know it, like I said it was a major pity party for one. I'm past that and determined to kick some ass again. That means grocery shopping as soon as I'm showered and dressed. Yes I blew it off last night and now have to drag the schweet babie out into the cold and wet to go this morning, but he likes to go on outings and I don't forsee any others today.
So: grocery shopping, tracking what I eat but not worrying about calories in such detail, and either elliptical, yoga, or weight training. The elements of success are here and I know them well, just have to get in gear.
On an aside though: I have been exhausted upon waking every day for at least the past two weeks and today I feel recharged somewhat. Time to wear myself out!

Wednesday, January 03, 2007

ACK! I can't comment on my own darn blog, but LME thanks for the note and I looked up Fresh Direct but unfortunately it's only in the NYC area for now. Other companies also seem to only service areas like NYC and Chicago, at least none in DFW that I have found yet.
I roasted a pan of frozen green beans and have eaten almost the whole thing. I decided to see how that might taste as every other veggie I've tried that way has been great-green beans are no exception. They get really dried out but I'm not into squishy veggies anyway. I have to find more ways that I can enjoy veggie besides raw and roasted-I pretty much hate steamed unless it's edamame.
The tree has come down, been thrown in its box, and all the other decorations put away. This season has probably been THE most stressful I've had in years and I was so close to feeling the "magic" again like I did years ago as a kid. All of the obligations and "must do" type things squased it for me though-hanging with the in-laws does that to me. They are super wonderful people, caring, generous, good intentioned, and yet there is so much pressure when you're around them. Not to mention I have yet to actually stick with healthy habits during extended visits. I did workout twice this time but that really wasn't enough. I should have been doing that every day and not drinking wine every night and eating all the munchies and general crap I always end up consuming with them. ANYway, roasted about 3 cups of green beans and ate about 2 of that...geez. Overeater much? Hopefully I can get the grocery shopping done once my husband gets home but I may blow it off again, 'cause that's productive right? I have to go, not having the right options at home makes me eat poorly and I know this.
Things I have read recently: High Intensity Trainig-Arthur Jones method and GI Diet-Glycemic Index Diet. I ought to write a post about those, hmm?
Swimming through molasses-best description I can think of at the moment, and remember I have syrup coating my brain. I didn't fall face first into the sweets, at least not as badly as I could have-there did happen to be quite a few white chocolate peppermint incidents but I've moved past that.
Yesterday was my first official "good" day in the past week, and it felt horribly difficult. My appetite rampages out of control and the fuck it attitude reigns supreme. Or at least it did, but today feels relatively easy-amazing how that first day tends to be the hardest. We need to visit the grocery something awful, but I feel so terribly exhausted that making the list and lugging the Boy around just sounds toooo haaaaard. Meh, I'll suck it up and do my adult responsible things 'cause that's the way the world works.
Got my Pol@r heart rate monitor/watch and it's really inspired me. I have all the tools, just gotta shake off the quicksand. Happy New Year! I wish I had that fresh start feeling, continuing the same thing after 3-4 years just feels old, not exciting.