I worked out on Monday as well but nothing since and I am sure that is related to the seeming depression I am sitting in, wondering how to get out yet again. I have no idea why I am such a highs and lows person but sometimes I really hate it-when I get to the high again I always think, "This is it! Whatever new plan or thing or whatever that I currently have started is the answer and now I'll be like this all the time! yay!"
Surprise surprise.
Regardless I do think giving up dieting was very mentally healthy for me but I am struggling with it just the last few days. Of course suffering temporarily with low self esteem again and lethargy and sleeping until almost noon (something I haven't done in years) is not helping one little bit and what is the first thing to do be doubted? Why food, my ability to be trusted around it and my so called will power. What a bunch of horse shit. I would say one of the worst habits that has come back is body checking-thinking about how my clothes fit, looking in the mirror, running my hand over my stomach many times a day-all very destructive and things I didn't even realize I did until I forced myself to stop doing them. Time to force again.
Food is completely unappealing to me lately, it has been hard to satisfy myself when nothing really sounds very good and I am reluctant to cook, something that usually brings me joy. I'm just in a rough spot but thought it might help to write about it, and it has-
workouts have been swell, I've been doing a lot of negative pushups (starting in plank and lowering evenly to the ground, coming back to plank and repeat over and over) and partial burpees, that's the only way I can explain it. Just the jumping portion coming out a crouch and back down to repeat (leaving out the push up part). That with squats and one set of various isolated exercises has left me all over sore and is extremely time efficient. I feel tired and fuzzy headed today and am resisting working out mentally so who knows.
I need to go grocery shopping and have no idea what I will buy since I don't want to make or eat anything. I'm not the only one in this house though.

M@rla you may think your comment didn't add anything but it surely did and I wish I had the time to really think it out and respond but I will say something simple and rather controversial to some: I do think diets are disordered and the wrong way to go. Becoming a dietitian gives me a slightly different perspective on everything, notice I said different and not better. I kind of think it gives me even more to think about because I have to decide what I'll do with patients and clients and I can't with good conscious put them on a diet plan, even the most healthy wonderful plan tends to fail eventually because we are not made to live that way. I don't think nutrition should go totally out the window but artificial rules to govern such a naturally process can only work short term from what I have seen myself and what I have read. There is so much to say about this and you can trust I'll be saying it over the next...however long it takes to think it out.
I ordered a few books from Amazon, one of them being Intuitive Eating by two RD's (what I will be) that I had seen mentioned here and there on the web. I've only read a little bit but I like what I am seeing so far and have to say I agree. It is also great for me to read how they figured things out from a professional standpoint and I can say I am leaning more and more towards the same direction. I even asked my sister-in-law if she would be interested in setting up shop with me (she's a psychologist) to treat eating disorders and educate the public on nutritional and mental health, maybe teach cooking classes for low income folks, provide groceries etc. That would have to be way down the road, it usually takes a big org to do things like that, I don't know right now I am dreaming.
I felt trapped before, now the future is wide open.

LME, Thank you for sharing with me, once again I feel like I have support and received shared wisdom from keeping this blog and in "the real world" it doesn't always come so easily. I am happy to say I've made some genuine friends over the last few years but the great thing with a blog is really getting into some one else's thoughts, the things that maybe they won't say out loud. I don't think I'll announce to people out of the blue (which is my usual MO when I decide things or am trying something etc) that I have a problem caused by dieting and my personality type, and as a result I could end up feeling very isolated but I don't. Thanks to everyone out there silent or not.
I mirror checked a bit more than I would like yesterday. People that don't know might think it was vanity, admiration on a constant basis when in actuality it's checking your status, "Stomach flat enough?" no "Hips wide?" etc. I never realized I was doing exactly that, I mean I never felt like I had a laundry list of flaws but I can't lie and say it was really a positive thing either. I weighed myself yesterday. I don't think that weighing has to be an evil thing if you don't attach emotions to it, which is easier said than done. I didn't emotionally react yesterday so it wasn't necessarily a good thing to do in this early stage of healing but it wasn't terrible either. I wanted to weigh myself because my jeans pulled on over my hips with the button fastened and I've been eating whenever I want and whatever I want so I became very curious to see if I had lost weight. That was my big misstep, it doesn't matter if I've lost weight as that is no longer my focus-a small part of me cannot help but want to know since my behaviors feel so positive now, so WHAT DO I WEIGH?
Ack.
Went out to dinner, I wanted to see how eating mindfully would go in that setting. In the old days I would sort of dread going out even though we did all the time because I really enjoy it and yet I would wrestle with myself over what choice I would make and if I would order what I really wanted or not. I usually did not. I ordered exactly what I wanted and ended up eating only about an eighth of what I would have in the past, including an appetizer. I did not restrict myself I just ate slowly and paid attention to each bite and chewed a whole bunch. I have realized I didn't use to breathe when I was eating I went so fast. I am learning how to chew and breathe without choking. Wow.
I adore food, most dietitians do. I also adore cooking which not all of us do and I am so happy to have made friends with it again, and for good. I desperately want my friends and family to join me in my new found thinking and doing but I am displaying amazing maturity and patience (the last one is usually hard for me) in not trying to force things on anyone. Force seems harsh, I usually persuasively campaign. Haha.
We're going to the in laws this weekend and I am not apprehensive about food for once, I know I can trust myself to take care of my body now and I am working on the mind/soul aspect. I have also suggested we have a party the weekend after that and cook out and make margaritas in the fancy blender I got two Christmases ago, it has a drink spout and everything, only used it to make protein shakes. *I am making a face.
Onward!

PS Fell down while carrying my son yesterday to the car and jerked my shoulder something awful trying to protect him so we'll see what I can do workout wise-I wanted to do upper body today but I might do yoga, feels like a yoga kinda day.

My workout today will not break any records but I enjoyed it and I truly did it just because I wanted to, not to lose weight which is huge in my mind. I cannot express enough how wonderful I feel to be free of my disordered thinking. I've known for several years now that I had gone beyond innocently starting a diet but it has taken me a long time to admit it, and I still haven't said anything to anyone in person. I'm not sure if I will or when I will and part of that is because I think they would tell me, "You don't have an eating disorder" blah blah and that would drive me insane. Just because I haven't revealed half the shit that goes through my head and the things I do does not mean it is okay to try and make your SELF feel better about having a sick daughter/wife/friend/sister etc. I am getting better and I will continue to but I don't need anyone backing me in to a corner making me feel like I have to make a case for why I strongly feel that I went past diet, did not collect $200 and got myself a damned eating disorder. I don't want to classify things or defend things here either but trust me, reading detailed information about binge eating disorder, bullemia where the form of purging is restriction, and other things like EDNOS are me to a T for the most part. They didn't use to be, before I started WW I didn't do any of the sad, twisted up punishing things or have the negative thoughts about myself. I remember in high school filling out one of those surveys about self esteem and actually having to make up something I didn't like about myself just so I wouldn't be the well adjusted misfit. How funny in a completely non humorous way.
I have been able to drop 99% of the behaviors and thinking so far, I'm afraid it will try and come back but I'm going to fight it off no matter what. I keep telling myself I can eat anything I want and how much I want and it is working because I actually mean it this time. No fear of being fat, no pinching my flesh constantly, no daily weighing, no constant mirror checks, no feeling inferior in a group of skinnier women...I'm tired and I can't even think straight.
I am so happy that I am accepting myself and getting back to being me.
The elliptical started squeaking at 10 minutes this time, I battled it out until about 23 minutes stopping and starting a few times to try and spray WD40 on any joint I could find which did not help. It is driving me batty that I WANT to do cardio for the first time in my life, that I am finding it fun and the durn machine is going haywire. I also did lower body weights and instead of trying to kill the bottom half of my body to burn more calories and build muscle to burn more calories etc. I just did what I wanted to do and it was so freeing. I finished up with dancing.

22 minutes elliptical 300 calories burned: damn good workout on its own but I am especially happy about it since the machine started doing its ear piercing thing at 15 minutes this time instead of 20 and my son gave me trouble the entire time. I wanted to keep going so much but he just was NOT going to take a nap so I finally announced,"You can always do a second workout tonight if you want" and went inside. I was listening to him on the monitor and went and checked on him several times and had a talk with him each visit and then when I went back in for the third time the smell hit me as soon as I got past the door. "Did you have a poo poo?" "Yeah! I poo poo'd in my pull up!"
Son this is not something to be proud of, sigh.
So he is up and watching Thomas the Train movie for the 4th time today and I am cooling off before we both go get in the shower and go to the store. That should be fun with a non napping two year old but we are out of dish soap, salad fixings and I need more baking yeast to make more bread. The last batch came out poorly, at least in appearance so I re-read the recipe and saw it made a 2 lb loaf and mine is a 1 lber I believe. Woops. Also, the yeast was pretty old so I'm going to try again. I've had the bread machine for a few yrs now but rarely used it since fresh baked bread was a "weakness" for me. Fuck that.
Also made a workout mix for the first time today and was happily jamming away to that and still had plenty left to go, maybe tonight depending on how I feel. My mind keeps turning to doing a race or something, I'm not sure what I would do, even the elliptical aggravates my left knee but I know there is some thing I can do.

Some changes I'm making starting....now I suppose:
Plan out weekly menus but make it even more predictable than before-like chicken on certain nights, fish on certain nights, veggie meals, out to eat every Thursday-whatever. I know lots of people do this but I never have, and I wonder why I get stressed. For some reason I have it in my head that I have to come up with something new and exciting all the time but I'm willing to give this a go. Not to say it will be the same meals each time but at least I'll know what to plan off for each day.
When I said I was going to stop trying to lose weight I meant that, but of course I am not letting go of good nutrition.
I'm going to stop being so rigid with my workout schedules-I think this drives me away eventually so I'm just going to maybe think of a short list of things I can do each day and just pick one-I may even write them on paper and draw them out of a jar. Won't be a cookie jar since we don't have one of those, haha.
Just completed a good workout, which is amazing since I just sat here and realized my mind kept flashing back to wanting to do cardio so I finally got up, changed clothes and went out there and did it. I also ended up doing a complete upper body weights workout too, then came inside and added two sets with my elastic bands and the door stopper. It bugs me not having the assisted chin up machine at home, I feel like I get my back so much better in the gym so I'm going to start adding the lat pull downs with the bands on those days, maybe some more band exercises too.
Remember when my goal was to curl 20 lbs per arm for a full set? Well I started each curl set tonight with 19 lbs so I'm getting close. I had to knock it down some to complete the ten reps each time but it can't be that far away. I also went WAY up on the standing tricep extension, I can remember when I just used 6.5 lbs and tonight I used 21.5 (my dumbbells are weird, hence weird numbers). Using 70 lbs total now for the flyes on my bench, that's a definite improvement too, I wish I could get my back stronger but since I hate doing back sets that's a hindrance. Once again, wish I had the chin up machine at home, or hell let's dream big and say I wish I could do chin ups with NO assistance. Some day. I also did 22 minutes on our elliptical before getting really pissed off at the durn thing for squeaking loud enough to wake the neighbors no matter how many times I shot it with WD40. I can't figure it out but it is ear piercing and cramped my style big time. The idea when I got on there was to just go as long as I physically could because I have never done that. I always watch the clock tick by and it is torture or I'm doing intervals for a prescribed amount of time or whatever, this time I wanted to see how long I could go if I took away the head games and I surprised myself a bit. 20 minutes on our elliptical feels like an eternity most of the time but I know I could have kept going. At the gym the elliptical machines feel really easy and I can dance away on them forever but ours is much tougher-my husband says it is the stride, he doesn't like it as much as the gym ones but what do you expect for something I got on sale from Academy Sports? It gets the job done.
No calories burned listed because I could NOT find my HRM watch even though I was wearing the chest strap. Of course when I was putting the elastic band up I moved some clothes laying on the bed and there it was...sigh.
I'm going to be tracking my exercise in sparkpeople but not food. Being truly fit is my goal now, not being smaller.

I'm going in a whole 'nother direction after getting so blue the other night and reading various things around the net. I say it's a different direction but in reality it is one I've visited before, just didn't stick with it out of fear.
I'm talking about learning to trust myself to make good decisions and to respect myself more instead of punishing. It's amazing how little I am hungry or even think about food when it is not off limits.
I know I've said this before, several times in fact, and I may falter again but I am not 100% convinced that no longer trying to lose weight is the answer for me to be a happier person. If you know me at all you know that doesn't mean free for all crap eating and no activity-that's not me anymore so why do I think I can't be trusted and further more why have I been so afraid of gaining weight? Will it matter if I'm no longer this size, if I never get to a smaller one? Hell no it won't. I'm sorry I had a Spartan birthday out of misguided ideas but each day is a new one and here I go. I'm starting to realize why I had a pretty badass body in high school despite my serious lack of nutritional knowledge and lack of exercise-I didn't have disordered thinking like every other girl I knew. I didn't care what size I was or how much I weighed and I never restricted food-just ate what I wanted and only rarely overate-we were way too poor to go out to eat even weekly so even Burger King was a treat to me. When I got to an income comfortable enough to go out any time the mood struck it became a thing to take for granted and the overeating continued, just all the time instead of a rare thing. I didn't sleep much and worked on my feet and unloaded freight trucks-before that I walked a LOT without a car, played in the woods even before that and was always outside. My lifestyle was just totally different, I guess I was the opposite of what I hear about today (lower economic families being heavier, etc.) We didn't have chips or sodas or candy or any of that nonsense-no money for that. My mom served meat, two veggies and a slice of bread with margarine and we drank iced tea all the time that was barely sweetened. There you go-no breakfast either most of the time and when I started working I had to provide my own lunches (15 yrs old on).
I think I completely lost my train of thought but I don't want to read back through this.
I want salads and water and fruit and lean meats and fresh seafood etc etc etc. Stuff that added the extra weight is not my cup of tea anymore for the most part and I move my ass quite a bit more than I did when this whole thing started. It's time to focus on being happier and to stop trying to meet a ridiculous ideal. My health is excellent and I'm tired of being miserable for vanity's sake.

I'm working on writing something that is bouncing around my head like crazy but I don't want to post it until I can really articulate what I mean. So here's some other random crap. Heh.
O chem exam was killer, my classmates are struggling as much as I am so at least I don't feel like a moron, just a person in an extremely difficult course that is not easy for many if any. I felt plain exhausted when I left and I didn't have time in between lab and picking our son up to get in my lifting work out. He has a bit of a cold so I figured he would want to lay down and I could do it then. Well he didn't really want to lay down until much later than I thought and by then I had decided if I was going to be able to lift when Husband got home I needed a nap. I felt progressively crappier as the minutes ticked by and so I fell into bed when I put him down for a nap. It hit me that maybe something was trying to take me down too, I felt drugged and like I was held down and couldn't get up even when he started fussing and not wanting to sleep. I knew he would if he just gave in so I dozed in and out until he dropped off finally and I then proceeded to have nightmares about being in the backseat of our pickup while Husband was driving way too fast and there were empty beer bottles in the door clanging and the road changed all the sudden from what it should have been and we either did wreck or were going to, that part is fuzzy. Then our Boy was in water with us and he was drowning and I was the only one that saw and was trying to scoop him up with one arm while I was drowning to and the angle was wrong somehow and I was actually holding him under the more I tried to get him and I woke up freaking out big time. My head hurt and I felt even more drugged and I had left my HRM on because I was dressed to workout and my heart rate had risen considerably from when I laid down.
I was having a hard time standing and was so thankful that Husband's softball game was canceled so he came home and I wasn't alone feeling crappy trying to be single mom. I did start feeling better after awhile but I knew there was no way I should be lifting heavy things and then we decided to go out to eat, I just couldn't face more turkey and veggies.
Husband suggested one of the new places on the lake front about 10-15 minutes from here, the development has great big fountains and outdoor eating areas and we had Salvadorian cuisine that was out of this world! I had a pupusa, tamale, plantain, yucca, black beans and black rice. The chips were brought out with black bean dip and a great fresh salsa and the chips themselves were thick but airy, not sure how to describe it really but fantastic food.
I still feel tired today but I did get my workout in and feel properly worn out all over. Deadlifts are awesome and I also tried an Olympic lift a few times which was awesome.
Ack, so much to say but my wonderful Boy is awake and it is time for his lunch.
Later.

I'm so excited about what is happening to my body lately that I feel like a little kid waiting for a present. Of course I also wake up each day and expect to see more change and it doesn't work that way. I'm weighing in once a month and recording it in SparkPeople which also takes your measurements (waist, hip, and neck). It's funny not caring about stepping on every day any more, I thought I would have a hard time with it but since I have released my obsession with eating the scale neurosis has also disappeared. The weigh in thing is just sort of a curiosity since my weight has remained roughly the same since March/April of 2004 outside of my pregnancy time. Any normal body conditions time has been in the same range after I dropped the baby weight and it gets so damn old being the same for years on end, but I am sure there are worse problems out there, in fact I know there are and so seeing major changes in my strength and physique is awesome and the scale number can go fuck itself. Ta da!
I just drank a cup of Madagascar Vanilla tea and holy cow was it good, like a dessert in a cup almost, woo!
Still not overeating though I am hitting the fuzzy line between, but that is fine-this is not a normal weekend. I have familial pressure eating and I had Girlie night last evening at a great sushi place. I am pleased with my continued loyalty to my promise and myself. I'm not so sure this is IE but it is definitely mindful eating and treating my body and spirit nicely.
Yesterday I only did 18 minutes instead of 20 of cardio intervals because I kept having to stop/start over and over-maybe 7 times compared to the usual 2 I might do to take a drink and then at the end I started having light chest pains. I decided not keeling over was more important than finishing that last two minutes though it irked me.

So hangin' at in-laws last night and they had SUGARED SPICY BACON pieces out as an appetizer. That may sound weird but holy cow were they good and I kept hovering around the bowl. I think I did rather well though on keeping my promise to myself to stop overeating, and trust me-the in-laws various homes are danger zones for me. *By that I mean his aunt or grandparents or parents, not that they own multiple homes or something.
Anyway, I got weird looks and even badgering to have wine or eat more food but I just politely declined and stuck to my guns. If dinner had not been put off until after 8 (also a hazard of eating with them) I don't think I would have eaten the bacon either or quite as much at dinner. Whatever, I stayed true to my way of life and resisted the numerous pressures and that is what is important to me.
I've spot checked in my head here and there and some days I think I may be eating pretty darn low cal-like too low cal but I am simply listening to my body and eating until satisfied and not full and if that is what it wants to do then I am going with it and not forcing it like a child at the dinner table. I know that pretty much each weekend and sometimes during the week we will go out to eat or have a social engagement and even if I am conservative with portions at those times, my cals are going to sky rocket and I think it will even out. I am not watching calories but I do have an eye on it in the background somewhat because I believe in good health through nutrition and I am not going to hurt myself, no matter what.
Weight training has made such a huge impact on my body and maybe I should clarify that: weight training the way I do it now as opposed to lifting three times a week and doing split workouts with 3 sets of each exercise. I do no more than two sets at most now but I use the heaviest weight possible to complete a set with good form. Last night I was asked to bring fairly heavy wooden folded chairs down from the third floor of Husband's aunt's house and I carried two down at a time without even feeling like it was work. Now that is muscles being put to practical use! His aunt would rush to the bottom of the stairs and exclaim, "Erin let me help!" She seemed to be afraid I would hurt myself, maybe no one has noticed my rippling biceps. I CRACK MYSELF UP!
Since stopping overeating my weight has stabilized but I can see definition coming out so I must be dropping body fat though the conventional wisdom of measurements and scale weight etc have gone all wonky. I tried to hit the big sale at Ann Taylor Loft yesterday but the 8s were too big and I thought 6's would be too tight, maybe I should have tried anyway but I was chicken. Just wearing an 8 has been very hard for me to accept as reality, I hold my breath every time I try a pair on, not to suck in my stomach but because I think the dream will be shattered. Maybe I'll believe the 8s when I am wearing 6's.

I am not typically an evening workout type, of course it could be argued that I am not really a morning workout type either, ha! I tend to exercise more often earlier in the day though so I don't give myself a chance to feel "too tired" or whatever other excuse I might come up with when the day nears its end. My father visited us yesterday and we had a nice time despite my anxiety about the whole thing. After turbulent events of the last few years I get wound pretty tightly just seeing his number on the phone though he has done nothing to warrant these feelings in quite awhile, and thankfully it gets easier all the time. We went out for lunch and had so-so food and extremely sub-par service but I did not overeat and felt proud of that. Then we went to Coldstone Creamery for dessert and to walk around the shopping center. I got a strawberry banana smoothie with sorbet instead of ice cream and it was good and I didn't even finish it. I mention that not because I was watching calories, but because I started hitting that too full mark and I knew it was okay to toss it instead of making myself miserable. Another victory under my belt, and then last night's workout brings me back around to what I started on about in the beginning of this post. Even though I experienced heartburn issues from the restaurant food and felt tired I changed into my gear and hopped on the elliptical for my 20 min of BFL style interval cardio. I really pushed it, came close to hitting max heart rate and felt completely whipped when I finished. The coolest thing however, happened to be that it felt so easy when on level one and my HR stayed fairly low for quite some time-two things that shocked me. It seems almost like this happened overnight though I'm sure it has been in the works for awhile. Feeling cardio work be somewhat EASY was a huge new experience for me. I tried explaining it to the Husband but he was always in athletics and I knew he didn't really understand though he tried. I was ALWAYS the slow one, always the red faced end of the line, unable to do anything the other kids could do, person. It felt amazing to realize I AM becoming pretty athletic and these new muscles that look pretty are also functioning well too!
I did levels 1-4 which was also a first. Previously I had only been able to go to 3 twice and I went all the way to 4 four different times. The resistance on this machine is much harder than the ones at the gym. I was going to level 8 at the gym and starting out on 4 and I know I am stronger now than I was then. Anyway...
This morning I woke up and I just felt "skinny". This also seemed overnight, a layer has definitely shifted despite the ridiculous scale readings and nothing pudged out over the top of my jeans whatsoever and I just felt really good all day. I can see a difference though I haven't taken measurements and I am not sure I am going to at this point.
Just completed an hr of power yoga and I feel drained but proud. I am sort of waiting for the other shoe to drop though because every time I am on a roll like this I get sick or something weird happens. In an effort to not let my negative thoughts stick or whammy me, I sort of skip off to something else in my head when I start thinking that way. Like attention deficit on purpose, heh. I've been spinning my wheels for a long time and it seems like I finally broke up out of the mud.

When I slack off posting in this space I tend to be floating along feeling lost regarding life in general. The rigors of being a student/mother/wife/relative/friend/etc. have officially overwhelmed me as of late. Husband's grandfather is having medical problems again after having a quadruple bypass last year and coming through amazingly well. He fell down at the cardio center's gym Wednesday and then they found fluid in his chest and something looks odd with the lymph nodes. The doctors seem to think it is not going to be something horrible but there is still tension in the background for me because I love him like he is my grandfather.
A confession: I had drifted back to mostly thinking like I did before my big ephiphany and of course it screwed with my mind. I am slowly, persistently retraining my brain again to stop counting and ticking and obsessing and to just focus on eating nutritious foods, being mindful of my hunger/satiety cues, and exercising regularly. The exercise is not a problem, it has finally become something that I just consider part of life, and if I periodically can't/don't fit it in my day then that is okay because guess what? I will the next day, or the day after that, and the world will not end. I am not lazy, or worthless, or slipping into a black vortex of sloth if I miss a few days. THIS IS FOR LIFE. God, probably the most oft quoted and concurrently hypocritical statement I see tossed around the 'net. I realize there are people that do want to live their life going through bulking/cutting phases, trying new plans, etc. and that is FINE. I am that way sometimes and that is okay too, and I am not bad if I do that either. For the most part however; I just want to feed my body quality fuel and move it around consistently enough in fun ways to have a kickass body. I have thought quite a bit this week (okay just the last two days) about what I really want out of the physical side of my life and it hit me like a ton of bricks. The physique I admire and can obtain given my physiological makeup is like Angelina Jolie in Lara Croft (though I think she was a bit too thin for me) or Jennifer Garner in Electra or Daredevil. Muscular, lean, badass chick bodies. I honest to God, hand on my heart do not want to look like a SI model, after seeing the pictures I could not believe that is the ideal for the masses, there is so little muscle it reminds me of a young child with breasts and well, that kinda freaks me out. This is my personal opinion and more power to everyone out there that disagrees. What I want for ME is to look tough and strong and well, hot at the same time. When I feel the most powerful is when I lift weights and get my hands dirty or work on a car or dig in the dirt all sweaty and tired. That makes me feel damn good, like I can do anything, and who would not want that each day of their life?
I tried mountain climbers and didn't think it was that bad, I can also do a shitload of jumping jacks now which makes me proud looking back on the gasping red faced past. Disclaimer: I am sure I did not do nearly enough mountain climbers to say for sure if I can handle it or not. Heh
I watched a clip about the workout they put the men through for the movie "300". Holy shit that is the kinda stuff I want to be able to do, pushups on hanging rings and throwing a tire around, lol. She-ra!

Our son woke up this morning throwing up and crying and what has followed is an endless cycle of feeling badly myself and running the washer/dryer. We received a letter from the Mother's Day Out program he is in about the rotovirus that two children have been diagnosed with over the weekend. I wanted to get in some cardio today but...yeah that is not going to happen.
I am not throwing up myself but feel weak and dazed and am trying to not start up the eating again like yesterday. I stuffed myself pretty good (read:bad) yesterday and woke up not wanting anything. Missing lecture today is not the way to make it through organic chem but I couldn't help it and sometimes you just have to deal with life and make it through.
Let's see, took a rest day Thursday and was still feeling yicky and tired, Friday I cleaned like a madwoman and know for a fact that it was just as good as a regular cardio session, I was sweating pretty hard trying to get it together before in-laws arrived for the weekend. Then Saturday I got up and worked it on the elliptical outside for 20 minutes and Sunday I attended yoga again with sister-in-law though it was a different instructor and neither one of us liked it as much.
I've started feeling tiny again and I think that is partly to blame for the Day of Eating yesterday and my wayward feelings today. I was upset last night by family bullshit and I don't deal well with that either, I need to get busy with my B0dy Clutter book and try and figure out what is at the root of all my issues with eating and trying to feel good about myself with sabotaging it.

I ate a lot last night, a lot of sodium and large portions. I'm not going to feel badly about it thought, it was special and my Hubby made us dinner, the same meal in fact he made for me our first Valentine's. It's been extremely cold for Texas (in the 20s) and working out in the garage just has not been an option. Call me a wuss, I don't care-I am not working out when the bones in my hands hurt from the temperature. However, I will be hitting the gym if this continues, I have an indoor workout option, it's just not nearly as convenient. I would try out the gym's daycare today if John Reid was not sick, he woke up yesterday sneezing, coughing, and impersonating a snot faucet. I am experiencing some of the same (except the cough) but it's not getting me down because I am not letting it. So there germs!
This Sunday I am attending a yoga class with my SIL at 9:30 am. The fact that I am also attending a friend's blow out birthday party at a club/restaurant the night before is not going to slow me down, I am sort of "over" staying up late and drinking. I'd rather remain sober, be able to drive home instead of wasting money on a cab, get to bed at a decent time, and be able to get up and bless my spirit with someone I love. Take that preconceived notion of fun!
Where did everyone go? I miss having something to read when I should be doing other things. *smile

Friday and Saturday were elliptical days, Saturday our son hit his dad's garage door remote on his keys and when it started coming up with no warning and its loud screechyness I about fell off the machine and screamed like a total weinie. Sunday was my mother's birthday and even though I had gone out to eat the previous two nights I had to eat Italian take out that night and while delicious, was not a smart choice. However, I think the other nights were good choices and I ended up maintaining over the weekend somehow so that must mean ye olde scale had dropped a bit. No worries, at this point I'm truly in a place where the scale is merely a tool, albeit a faulty one, and so I am not feeling bad/good about any numbers. If it becomes a mental pitfall I will once again avoid weighing but I don't see it happening. Working on loving myself, imperfect or no, has removed a lot of things.
Yesterday I fit a lifting session in between dropping the Boy off and driving to school. I upped my weights on chest flyes, squats, calf raises, and triceps extensions. I need to up it on the lunges as well and I was able to complete a set of curls with no negative reps needed on either arm, something I've been working towards. I came inside and laid on the floor, legs point straight up and shoulders/head raised as well, like a curled up sort of position that killed my abs-held that for a slow count of thirty and then did plank for...hmm I think thirty (the cat came up and decided to decorate my face with her tail fur while I was trying to concentrate).
Eating is sensible and unmeasured, I've had a hard time getting back to the great place I had arrived with food after eating that Italian food, its like it set off a chain reaction of munchy days-that should tell us something about so-called "bad" food. High fat/calorie/grease/salt food sets off negative behavior for me, but the good news is: this too shall pass.
A shake of cinnamon in your coffee grounds before brewing really livens up a cup of joe, I'm just sayin'.

The day after a weight training workout I take a rest day, but this time I thought we were going to have visitors this weekend, and so I cleaned quite a bit and fell in to bed exhausted.
Friday morning I rolled out of bed, extremely groggy, took the Boy to school, ran home with no minutes to spare and hopped on the elliptical for a gut busting workout. Showered and dressed I had no time to eat or I would be late for school, so I popped some oatmeal with strawberries and egg whites in the micro. That may sound gross but its actually quite good, tastes like an oatmeal bar because you don't taste the whites, just get some protein. You don't taste them if you don't nuke the bejeezus out of it until it explodes. Sigh.
So kinda nast but I ate it anyway when I stopped at red lights and it was fine, not every meal has to be a culinary masterpiece.
Which brings me to last night's dinner. (Nice segue eh?) We went back to the local seafood place that we've been to twice before. The first time we went I ordered a grilled platter and really enjoyed it. They make this bread that is divine with a crystallized sugar on top that sounds strange in a dinner bread but is so great! We devoured that bread in a few moments just between the two of us. We also usually get the calamari, which as you know is fried with a fatty sauce. I've realized that even though I like the taste it makes me sick later, heartburn, etc. The second time I wanted their french fries for some reason, and I did something really stupid-I ordered a fried platter. I was sick as a dog before we even left the premises, why did I think I would like it? It tasted gross to me and I felt awful the rest of the night.
So, this time I ordered one of their specialties, cajun pineapple tillapia-a spiced fillet with a pineapple salsa over it that was great and a good choice at the same time. No appetizer, only a few small slices of that delish bread, one glass of wine that I didn't finish, and even though I ordered the baked potato as my second side I tried it, didn't think it was that good and left it. I am working on quality not quantity.
There's a great show on Food network with Giada from the everyday italian show-she goes to different cities and shows you places to explore and of course, eat. I love it! I notice she tries all kinds of gorgeous foods, doesn't worry about calorie count, but she truly enjoys each bite and is in the moment. I am tired of living life, and especially eating on auto pilot.
The future looks so rosy.

Thanks for the well wishes, I'm feeling a lot better today-probably at 90%. Yesterday I decided to just act "as if" and despite the nausea walked a brisk 1.3 miles in about 18 minutes. That's pretty damn good pushing a stroller coming off of being sick. Calories burned: 190, asses kicked: 1.
Had to run to lab last night during another class's time to re-weigh the sample I had to turn in with my report. It's a good thing I did since it was waaaay off and would have really brought my grade down. I felt so sick before I left I wasn't sure what to do but did it anyway and took care of business. School is stressing me out big time and I know the lack of exercise lately is partially to thank for that. Which brings me to my next thought...
This new way of life I'm building, free from dieting and unnatural behavior, only works if I move my body regularly. Ta da! Epiphany free of charge!
When you are restricting calories, missing workouts slows down progress but it doesn't completely toss it out, or at least not for me. Trying to intuitively eat, listening to my body, but yet still trying to become the best version of me only works with regular intense exercise. I think if I was just looking to maintain my weight I could let it slide more often but really, doesn't that defeat the whole point here? My goal is to instinctively choose food that is good for my body and to intentionally move around each day as part of what is normal to me, not forced. Resting at least two days a week is also part of my plan and it has made a huge difference.
Being a nutrition major means I strongly believe in choosing the best possible fuel for my body and mind. I do not believe in uneducated intuitive eating, but I do not believe what I mean by that would be truly intuitive eating anyway. The whole idea behind it is to be in tune with your body and to truly listen and if you are still steadily making poor choices that hurt your well being, than perhaps you aren't quite there yet. I also believe that the dieting I have participated in the last few years ended up being mentally destructive, and to a degree physically, and yet I learned so much about what I need to feed myself and a strong desire to educate myself further and to help others was born. So all in all, not a wash and I am happy and proud that I'm breaking out of the highly self-critical self esteen busting lifestyle I had slipped into-mainly through Weight W@tchers. On the other hand I don't think it is evil, or bad for everyone, but the mentality of the scale mattering so much and my self worth hinging on what number flashed up that day was not healthy for me.
I'm still figuring things out, but as of yesterday I'm back in business. Today I fit in a tremendous lifting session and feel good about what I accomplished. I need to focus on that instead of how large my abdomen is today, it's swollen out 3-4 inches bigger than normal and I have no idea what is going on-not making me feel good about myself though. Writing this helped me to see what I need to be looking at instead of examining myself in the mirror.
To clarify about the drinking: my bad influence friend and her husband were our drinking buddies and we'd put away a case each on a bad/good night. When I woke up and stopped basically killing myself with food and alcohol I am sure it threw her for a loop. Socially drinking is fine with me, just when I have a headache or just flat out don't want to drink, she needs to accept that and stop harping on about why I am not being "part of" things.

When I feel bad my habits are complete rubbish. I realize I'm from Texas but rubbish is the perfect descriptor here. I thought I felt badly yesterday from the not so stellar performance the night before but halfway through the SuperBowl party at the same infamously influential friend's house I needed to go home, RIGHT THEN. Sore throat, sour stomach, major lethargy, felt like I was sinking. I did eat like crap at the party, but not nearly as badly as I might have in the past. Luckily this mystery illness causes my stomach to feel full immediately, with unfortunate distended bloating and other nasty unmentionables. Anyway, sick yet again, feel like crap, and everything is derailed for the moment, but I'm not diving head first into food my body doesn't actually want, so that's a start right?

Kada, thanks for the support, I really appreciate it!
LME, this particular friend doesn't understand that some people don't actually want to drink constantly and does actually act strangely towards me when I refuse. However, I do refuse when I am not feeling it and she can just deal with it if it bothers her. It has affected us though and I don't hang out with her nearly as much as I did when WE both drank a lot with her and her husband. Thanks for the get well wishes, and I think I will actually ask her flat out next time why she is so terribly interested in what I drink.

Friday I hit the weights hard and yesterday morning I definitely was feeling it. Disappointingly more in my upper body than lower but there was soreness there, just not as much. Don't get me wrong, I'm happy to make progress on my upper body but I like to know that I successfully kicked my own ass (literally) since the major muscle groups burn more calories and build up more as well. I also had an excellent eating day, got plenty of veggies and I know I kept it at a healthy level just by making good choices.
Then we get to yesterday. No workout for me as it was my recovery day from lifting. I have been purposefully setting the following day as a rest day this go round and it has given me much better results and is better for me mentally as well. Husband wanted to go to the Dallas b0at show, for something to do out of the house and also to get an idea if it is even feasible in a few years to have one. I made a nice little breakfast for myself and then packed some kash! g0 lean cereal, cranberries, and yogurt covered raisins in a baggie to munch if I got hungry. Well I ate that in the car on the way there, which is fine, but then when we left I needed to pee because I opted not to do so there like a dummie and so being in downtown there were not a lot of options besides restaurants. We have a late "lunch" even though neither one of us was truly hungry enough for it, and boy did I overeat. To give myself some credit though, I drank several large glasses of water there and my meal was blackened fish tacos and I did not eat much of my rice or charro beans. I did well on my choice, just not on the portion at all.
Last night we had a fight night party at a friend's house, so after dropping the Boy off we headed over there at 8 and I was finally hungry again. Instead of getting into an argument about requesting something "healthier" to eat and then eating something bad on top of it, I just agreed to pizza and started drinking my red wine. Red wine on an empty tummy, Husband did not order the food right away, so it was 10 before I ate anything. I did only eat 2 pieces which was a major deal for me since it's always been a trigger food. The problem I am working up to is a proceeded to drink almost the whole bottle of red, plus had a jello shot which I did not really want/need, then after our friend dropped us home I had another beer! I had reached that point of thinking I needed to keep drinking even though I reeeeeallly did not. Now keep in mind this was over a 7 hr period, but still!
So I feel like total ass right now, mainly due to empty tummy since I have been downing a great amount of water and don't feel dehydrated. I am a weirdo that cannot sleep after drinking too much and so I only got 4 hrs and could not toss and turn anymore listening to various bodily functions on the other side of the bed. Beer makes you somewhat of a musical instrument apparently.
I will not continue on a destructive streak today, and I am saying right now: there will be no drinking tonight for moi, super bowl be damned. The group is getting together again that was together last night and it's at my friend's house that is a bad influence for me with both food and drink. She's fun, we talk 90 miles an hr, but I tend to make bad choices just being around her. Not tonight!

I'm at war with myself.
On Jan. 5th (or 6th, I can't remember) I said to myself, "Enough. You are going to stop this negative lifestyle you've adopted in the pursuit of a perfection that is not obtainable. If you continue to think this way about yourself, and food, and your body image, you will never be happy." At first, meaning really the first week or so considering it has only been three weeks, it seemed easy, I felt as if I were floating and woke up happy each day. It started to slow down when I weighed myself and saw that same higher number than my usual. Chanting the mantra of, "The number means nothing at this point, you're gaining muscle and taking care of yourself" I soldiered on, fighting my negativity still. The next week was harder, but I stuck with it and felt great and when I did the "official" two week measurement I discovered my body was the smallest (in a good, healthy way) ever in my adult life, and then I fell sick. Four days was all it took to bring me down, four days of no workouts and slightly wonky food. I only got in three workouts this past week and it showing in my body and more importantly my mind.
I am fighting a battle with myself, the desire to go back to counting my food and limiting my intake against what my body tells me it wants it back. All day it has flitted in and out of my thoughts, and I know I have to push back against these self destructive suggestions. I had already decided I would go into a "cut" right before bathing suit season, and that this was more about maintainence and muscle growth.
This is all just so exhausting at times, it really is. So exhausting to be nice to myself and to refuse the negative thoughts, the doubt, dealing with the stress of life. The thing is though, this is life-not something that is temporary or that you can shrug off, this is simply life and making the effort to have the best one that I can. That means feeding myself properly, working out regularly, and working every minute of every day to fend off the things that drag me down.
Workout today-20 min elliptical, 4.5 miles, 306 calories burned.