Friday, March 23, 2007

When I slack off posting in this space I tend to be floating along feeling lost regarding life in general. The rigors of being a student/mother/wife/relative/friend/etc. have officially overwhelmed me as of late. Husband's grandfather is having medical problems again after having a quadruple bypass last year and coming through amazingly well. He fell down at the cardio center's gym Wednesday and then they found fluid in his chest and something looks odd with the lymph nodes. The doctors seem to think it is not going to be something horrible but there is still tension in the background for me because I love him like he is my grandfather.
A confession: I had drifted back to mostly thinking like I did before my big ephiphany and of course it screwed with my mind. I am slowly, persistently retraining my brain again to stop counting and ticking and obsessing and to just focus on eating nutritious foods, being mindful of my hunger/satiety cues, and exercising regularly. The exercise is not a problem, it has finally become something that I just consider part of life, and if I periodically can't/don't fit it in my day then that is okay because guess what? I will the next day, or the day after that, and the world will not end. I am not lazy, or worthless, or slipping into a black vortex of sloth if I miss a few days. THIS IS FOR LIFE. God, probably the most oft quoted and concurrently hypocritical statement I see tossed around the 'net. I realize there are people that do want to live their life going through bulking/cutting phases, trying new plans, etc. and that is FINE. I am that way sometimes and that is okay too, and I am not bad if I do that either. For the most part however; I just want to feed my body quality fuel and move it around consistently enough in fun ways to have a kickass body. I have thought quite a bit this week (okay just the last two days) about what I really want out of the physical side of my life and it hit me like a ton of bricks. The physique I admire and can obtain given my physiological makeup is like Angelina Jolie in Lara Croft (though I think she was a bit too thin for me) or Jennifer Garner in Electra or Daredevil. Muscular, lean, badass chick bodies. I honest to God, hand on my heart do not want to look like a SI model, after seeing the pictures I could not believe that is the ideal for the masses, there is so little muscle it reminds me of a young child with breasts and well, that kinda freaks me out. This is my personal opinion and more power to everyone out there that disagrees. What I want for ME is to look tough and strong and well, hot at the same time. When I feel the most powerful is when I lift weights and get my hands dirty or work on a car or dig in the dirt all sweaty and tired. That makes me feel damn good, like I can do anything, and who would not want that each day of their life?
I tried mountain climbers and didn't think it was that bad, I can also do a shitload of jumping jacks now which makes me proud looking back on the gasping red faced past. Disclaimer: I am sure I did not do nearly enough mountain climbers to say for sure if I can handle it or not. Heh
I watched a clip about the workout they put the men through for the movie "300". Holy shit that is the kinda stuff I want to be able to do, pushups on hanging rings and throwing a tire around, lol. She-ra!


Kada said...

What are mountain climbers?

M@rla said...

Don't worry, it really hasn't been that long since your epiphany - you haven't started down the road to damnation!

I say nurture your feelings of power and strength: concentrate on the workouts and eating to sustain those goals. Dieting (in the sense of very low calorie eating) does tend to reinforce the sense of diminishing oneself, of restricting and lessening one's world. I don't think dieting is "wrong", but sometimes it's not the appropriate action to achieve what you want.

And good on you with the jacks and mtn climbers!

LME said...

Sorry to read about your husband's grandfather. I hope he is on the mend.

And it's great that this hasn't caused you to turn to behaviors that you are trying to leave behind.

metamorphose said...

I hope your husband's grandfather will also be on the mend.

Kick ass and take names, is what I say!!!

Watching "300" by itself made me want to work out -whew! Them bodies!

Erin said...

Sorry I have been MIA yet again, I guess I just need to accept I can't/won't take the time to post right now and quit beating myself up about it. I really appreciate the concern for our family and the thoughts about my thoughts. Thank you!

Erin said...

Also, Kada I emailed you about the mountain climbers but I am not sure you got it. Just thought I would say something in case you thought I ignored your question!