Wednesday, August 30, 2006



Not sure what look I'm striving for here, plainly I am HOLDING A MONKEY, a dream fulfilled (erin=monkey obsessed for those not in the know), I just drove an ATV in a foreign country through a really for real jungle, and our guide was named Hoss, so I should be grinning from ear to ear but I think I was bowled over by the holding of a monkey thing. Here are some pictures of the cenote we snorkled in:









The beach was gorgeous but I don't have many pictures of it since I brilliantly deduced that my mom was taking pics of it and I didn't need to, momentarily LOSING MY DAMN MIND since it takes forever to get photos from her and by God, I have entries to write. I found a huge shell in a tidal pool like you get from tourists shops and I picked up pieces of coral off the beach. Here is a pic of some rocks I climbed out on:




And photographic evidence that I married the right man:


Monday, August 28, 2006

Mexico was almost unbelievable-beautiful beyond words, exciting, and I will post about it with pictures as soon as typing is not so damn hard. Unfortunately, that's not an exaggeration-typing really does seem to be too much still, as I am weak and sickly.
The night we got back Jason and I awoke throwing up and various other nasty things. He threw up twice, while I went on to win the gold medal in dehydration and did not stop until around ten hrs later. I had to go to the hospital and get an IV for about three hrs, I lost almost ten pounds overnight, my blood pressure was 20 pts lower, and my resting heart rate about 40-50 beats higher than normal.
I have been very, very, sick.
The culprit is either the recent mild stomach flu that my in-laws had, or food poisoning in the airport on the way home. The trip to the hospital was Fri. and I am still not really okay but am able to function and take care of the Boy.
I'll be a friend again when I can think straight.
I HELD AND PETTED MONKEYS and snorkled in a bat cave. BATS!

Sunday, August 20, 2006


When a blogger falls silent it usually spells trouble, and I am not any different. I was really hitting new goals and hit my weight goal I set for tommorrow about 2 weeks ago, and then I lost my damn mind. I don't know if it was the dreaded period stuff (The Hunger, tm-Mar!a) or if I was depriving myself and didn't realize, but I decided that multiple days of binging right before we go on a beach vacation must be a good idea. Sigh. So now back up 5 lbs and still slowly getting back in control. Probably the worst thing I've been doing is drinking again. Wow, that sounds like I'm in a school pick up line with a cocktail in a Sonic cup, but it's not like that. Beer, on the weekends, which is really a downfall for me. I drink and then I eat mindlessly, even though I'm not completely gone. It's as if my mind thinks that gives me free license=the old "I messed up so here we go" thing. And the thing is, I look fine, slightly puffier but no biggie, and I hate that I'm so neurotic. I guess it's because it takes me so damn long to lose anything and I've been working on it this go around for over a year and before it took me even longer to lose the same amount. I always think I should be able to do everything top notch each and every time and I hate feeling weak. What the hell does it matter if I am 5 lbs heavier? It sucks because I have to lose that over again but that's it. It does not make me a bad, lazy, or weak person. Come on brain, catch up with my logic.

Monday, August 14, 2006


Sept. 23, 2004-
Edited with commentary on where I am now.

I visited Gran today. Sitting by the marker I fidgeted with grass and a twig, and more to the point, cried like a baby. She's been since 1995-it's been almost ten years (11 yrs now) but she's still a good listener, and I wish I could hear her replies. Walking back to my car I felt a sense of peace that's been missing. (I was going to community college during the day, only taking 3 classes, and the campus is close to where my great-grandmother is buried.)

I want to go back to the time of before. I want my innocence back, when I didn't worry about money, sex, or my body. Instead I thought about simple things-playing with the dog, eating whatever tasted good, classic movies, or a shirt with some kind of iron on graphic. None of my present obsessions were...well, present. My size was just what it was, I never tried to change it, but just dressed to fit it. Hard lines and planes and jutting hipbones were not on my agenda, and it never entered my mind to change that. (I can thankfully say that my true goal at this point is to still look good in my clothes, but more importantly to be strong and healthy, no bullshit.)

I have two freelance writing prospects I am going to try for (never did), a scholarship essay to write (did but got nothing for it), and I signed up for the short story contest (also did but once again did not place, I have long since decided writing as a career does not suit me at all). Procrastination has been the plague of my life since I can remember. My mission is to stomp that out, and the Flylady ideas I am in the process of learning have greatly improved my chances. (I've been a member of the Flylady yahoo group for over two years now and I still love her and her guidance and am STILL working on everything).

Other personal goals:
1)Stop using profanity. I feel that cursing has crippled my range of speech and idea, and besides, when I hear it out of someone else's mouth, it repulses me now for some reason. Mental recoil. This does not mean I am going to police or judge others. (Eh, doesn't bother me that much anymore, and oddly enough I pretty much don't cuss very often now. Maybe being a Mama helped with that the most.)
2)Find a moderate approach to health. I am sick of watching and counting. It is not, I repeat not natural. I am not in training for a competition, I am not a sculpture, and I will win no prize for having a perfect body. A big reason I freak out over my weight is I create this ridiculous pressure to look like a pop star in all the social events Jason and I attend. For some unknown reason, I want all of Jason's friends and family to think I am perfect. This is an asinine notion. Jason himself thought I was ideal the day I met him before I did any "improving". He truly loves me, as is evident more from his constant dealings with my Crazy. (I no longer care nearly as much about what others think, that was a weird headspace I had gone to and totally out of character for me. I appreciate and love my body so much more since carrying and giving birth to another human being. Once again motherhood kicks ass.)
3)Become organized in a manageable fashion. I am not a naturally organized, but this does not mean I cannot adapt my own way of doing things. I feel this is imperative to a healthy mind. (Still working on it but I feel I've come a long way and am happy with things.)
4)Be more physically active in new ways. By this declaration I do not mean to go back to my routine more often, or to be more strict on myself in order to achieve weightloss. By this I mean try kayaking, yoga, martial arts, rock climbing, dance, etc. A healthy mind and body go hand in hand. If you cultivate one, you should see the other coming behind. If not a certainty, it might at least provide a fighting chance. (Not only have I tried yoga, I do it three times weekly and am going to class tonight for a change from my at home practice. I LOVE IT! Still have not tried kayaking, martial arts, rock climbing, etc. but I do ride my bike when possible and am fairly physically active in other ways each day. Must work on this one, note to self. Oh, I plan on rock climbing, sailing a catamaran, and hiking the mayan pyramid ruins next week, so big fucking check on this one, heh.)
5)Call friends and family more. Even more ambitious, use the phone on a regular basis. This irrational fear is paralyzing and detrimental in my life. Baptism by fire. (Also mainly gotten over this, once again I grew up big time when mini-me was born. Something else I realized is the people I really have a hard time calling are people I don't really want to talk to, so duh, get new friends and distance from family I can't cleanse from my life.)
6)Attend cultural events: not only do I want an uncluttered mind, I also want to expand my thinking and enjoy new experiences. I saw a poster for the Whirling Dervishes at the magestic. How amazing would that be? The Observer and ticket master may become my new best friends. Concerts, performances, avant garde movies, plays, etc. Dallas if full of them. (This one I'm still sorely lacking in as well, the main thing we do when we go out is eat, though we have been to a lot of really cool places with interesting cuisine. I saw the Lion King musical which was amazing, we saw David Copperfield, we go to the botanical gardens and yesterday we went to the huge used book store and also the upscale blow my mind grocery. Hmm not as bad as I thought but I still want to address this issue.)

Things that are good:
love, strength, acceptance, patience, family, friendship, sun, water, food, warmth, beauty greater than ourselves, words

This ending. (Still good, but let's add motherhood, watching Jason with our son, being healthy, yoga!!!, new experiences, being so much closer to graduating.)

Friday, August 11, 2006

I found this yesterday in an old spiral and thought it had a lot of relevance to my ongoing thoughts.

Sept. 23, 2004

I visited Gran today. Sitting by the marker I fidgeted with grass and a twig, and more to the point, cried like a baby. She's been since 1995-it's been almost ten years but she's still a good listener, and I wish I could hear her replies. Walking back to my car I felt a sense of peace that's been missing.

I want to go back to the time of before. I want my innocence back, when I didn't worry about money, sex, or my body. Instead I thought about simple things-playing with the dog, eating whatever tasted good, classic movies, or a shirt with some kind of iron on graphic. None of my present obsessions were...well, present. My size was just what it was, I never tried to change it, but just dressed to fit it. Hard lines and planes and jutting hipbones were not on my agenda, and it never entered my mind to change that.

I have two freelance writing prospects I am going to try for, a scholarship essay to write, and I signed up for the short story contest. Procrastination has been the plague of my life since I can remember. My mission is to stomp that out, and the Flylady ideas I am in the process of learning have greatly improved my chances.

Other personal goals:
1)Stop using profanity. I feel that cursing has crippled my range of speech and idea, and besides, when I hear it out of someone else's mouth, it repulses me now for some reason. Mental recoil. This does not mean I am going to police or judge others.
2)Find a moderate approach to health. I am sick of watching and counting. It is not, I repeat not natural. I am not in training for a competition, I am not a sculpture, and I will win no prize for having a perfect body. A big reason I freak out over my weight is I create this ridiculous pressure to look like a pop star in all the social events Jason and I attend. For some unknown reason, I want all of Jason's friends and family to think I am perfect. This is an asinine notion. Jason himself thought I was ideal the day I met him before I did any "improving". He truly loves me, as is evident more from his constant dealings with my Crazy.
3)Become organized in a manageable fashion. I am not a naturally organized, but this does not mean I cannot adapt my own way of doing things. I feel this is imperative to a healthy mind.
4)Be more physically active in new ways. By this declaration I do not mean to go back to my routine more often, or to be more strict on myself in order to achieve weightloss. By this I mean try kayaking, yoga, martial arts, rock climbing, dance, etc. A healthy mind and body go hand in hand. If you cultivate one, you should see the other coming behind. If not a certainty, it might at least provide a fighting chance.
5)Call friends and family more. Even more ambitious, use the phone on a regular basis. This irrational fear is paralyzing and detrimental in my life. Baptism by fire.
6)Attend cultural events: not only do I want an uncluttered mind, I also want to expand my thinking and enjoy new experiences. I saw a poster for the Whirling Dervishes at the magestic. How amazing would that be? The Observer and ticket master may become my new best friends. Concerts, performances, avant garde movies, plays, etc. Dallas if full of them.

Things that are good:
love, strength, acceptance, patience, family, friendship, sun, water, food, warmth, beauty greater than ourselves, words

This ending.

Wednesday, August 09, 2006

Yet another:

I have gone crazy with the vegetarian eating type thing, and let me tell you, crazy never felt so good. Meat, schmeat I say, though I have decided to brach out from various legumes and bought some tofu squares to try and come up with something, I'm a little nervous about that but "nothing ventured, nothing gained", right?
My latest success is homemade bean burgers, and I have to say they are kicking ass, esp. the ones I made today. I cook up a bag of black beans (which generally keeps me fed for a week, 66 cents-can't beat that) and then I make different things out of the huge mess. To make the burgers I take cooked black beans, plain non-fat yogurt, ground cumin, lemon pepper, chili pepper, and whole wheat flour-mix that bowl o' stuff up and make patties, proceed to fry said patties in a light amount of olive oil. Today they kicked more ass because I chopped a clove of garlic and some purple onion, sauteed that and then put it in the mix before frying the patties. HELL YEAH, ya'll, I am serious. Ya'll-as in myself since no one reads this.
What else have I made that's yummy? *taps fingers...Ah! Roasted veggie dip-roast a pan of defrosted frozen veggies (olive oil and sea salt on veggies, bake at 375 until starting to turn colors) threw those bad boys in teh cuisenart with some plain non-fat yogurt, chopped fresh garlic, olive oil, spices etc. I just blended it until it was starting to be smooth but still had a rough texture. HELL YEAH once again people, dip some baby carrots and cucumber slices in that stuff and BLAU, flavor party in your mouth. Yeah I said it. Lentil burritos are good too, like bean burritos but with lentils mashed up a little.
Tofu master 2006 coming soon.
A slightly moldy post I wrote elsewhere:

There's so much I want to write and yet I have no time or opportunity it seems. Yoga is still going beautifully, I even used it to help me before/during/after my exam last night. Inversion poses are supposed to help center and calm you so I did that for a bit before I left for school, and then practice my deep even breating walking in and the rest of the night. It was hands down the least stressful I have been taking an exam that I was concerned over-and I raised my grade considerably. 76-89. I wish I would have done better than the 89 but I tried as hard as I could considering circumstances, and I have to say I have never taken exams so strangely worded and flat out hard. The class is highly enjoyable, but the tests are ridiciulous. I am an A student and it looks like I'll barely get by with an A, and more likely easily get a B. I'm controlling my "issues" (anger, impatience, irritability, controlling tendencies) with yoga and meditation and feel healthier than I have been in years. Not only mentally healthier, but my hips and bands, tendons, etc. are stronger and much less sore, not to mention my lower back feels all better after I get done every other day and it seems to be keeping the knots at bay. Speaking of yoga and a bay, nice transition huh, I purchased a travel yoga mat that is thin and folds down into a flat square and I am taking that sucker to Mexico. Me, sunrise (hmm optimistic much?) the ocean, Mayan ruins, and my favorite exercise in the world that is really more of a healing therapy that gives you exhilarting feelings previously only known through sex. Did I mention I'm excited?

Sunday, August 06, 2006

Slowly adding links to pages I read...I know I left many out but I need to be places other than sitting in this chair and I really would like to take the time to seperate categories out, etc. We will see.
This weekend has been nothing remotely like I expected. I was looking forward to challenging myself with a weekend as "the old us" and coming out on top, which did NOT happen. I have eaten poorly and drank quite a few beers, and only really enjoyed maybe 3 hrs of the last 48 enough to justify any of this. All I can do is move foreward with a positive attitude, and that's fully what I intend to do.
So up a whole 5 lbs since Wednesday: goal-to get rid of that and get back to kicking ass like I was, le sigh, it seems so long ago even though it was a few days. I do not believe weight loss follows the normal rules of time and space and physics.
I pick up my Boobah (our son) in the morning and I cannot wait; this growing up business is hard to do. Oddly enough more for me than him.

Saturday, August 05, 2006

Why do I always do this?

I concocted this great scheme where I would meet Hubby's mother halfway (they live out of state) and our son could stay the weekend with his grandparents and we would have this wonderous adult weekend that we have not had in over a year now. Friday night would be going out to dinner and dressing up, Saturday going to see P!rates II and going out with friends somwhere and Sunday brunch with my mom and her guy and then sushi with my girlies at 5. Sounds fun filled and WONDEROUS right? Wrong.
I drove my little buddy, met MIL just fine, and then sobbed heartbrokenly for about 30 minutes driving home, and then off and on the rest of the day. I had a horrible headache when I finally got back home and so I laid down, ended up sleeping until Hubby got home which was not my plan, and then was completely groggy, grumpy, and still sad. Bitched and griped way too much over the course of the evening, ate far too much-making myself sick, and then the two drinks I had kicked my ass all over the place. Now why on Earth did I think this would be fun? Overeating rich, salty food is not fun to me anymore (though I keep trying it again and then getting mad) and the whole thing just sucked. MEH.
I woke up off and on all night because I was so dehydrated from not drinking enough water yesterday and then eating the overly salty rich food, and I've downed at least 3 glasses of water now and am still sitting here with cotton mouth and grumpiness. Did I mention the 3.5 lbs of water weight (I hope)?
Today just has to be better, why can't I enjoy being a young person?

Thursday, August 03, 2006

I'm not sure where I fit.

The mere idea of an "About Me" statement seems to have stolen my eloquence and rendered me a speechless bobble head. Not to mention the fact that my one year old son is attempting to wrestle my pen as I write, something I've had to resort to due to the simple fact that I can't get on the computer anytime I feel the urge, Mama duties call you know. Hence-my struggle to fill up this space in a timely manner.

If weightloss and the quest to be fit is considered a journey, boy have I taken detours along the way. I woke up and started actually making an effort to improve my quality of life and body around Halloween of 2001, so of course I have encountered thousands (it seems) of the proverbial speed bumps that sometimes derailed the whole endeavor, but luckily more times than naught I'd get that fire lit under my ass again and try again.

I'm not sure if I want to recount the trials and tribulations up to this point, I may just jump in right where I am instead of feeling overwhelmed and never visiting here again. As I already mentioned, I have a very active, curious little boy and I am working on a degree in Nutrition at night, so Hubby comes home to be with the wee one and I go to school 4-5 hrs, Monday thru Thursday. Tonight I'm required to disect a fetal pig. Did I mention I'm happy about that? No? Good, 'cause I'm not.

Onward.

I have two and a half yrs left and I'll be a Registered Dietician, the coursework is heavy and takes a lot out of me and today I wish I could just rest, just for a minute...but the world doesn't stop when you want it to, and so here ends my whine for now.