I found this yesterday in an old spiral and thought it had a lot of relevance to my ongoing thoughts.

Sept. 23, 2004

I visited Gran today. Sitting by the marker I fidgeted with grass and a twig, and more to the point, cried like a baby. She's been since 1995-it's been almost ten years but she's still a good listener, and I wish I could hear her replies. Walking back to my car I felt a sense of peace that's been missing.

I want to go back to the time of before. I want my innocence back, when I didn't worry about money, sex, or my body. Instead I thought about simple things-playing with the dog, eating whatever tasted good, classic movies, or a shirt with some kind of iron on graphic. None of my present obsessions were...well, present. My size was just what it was, I never tried to change it, but just dressed to fit it. Hard lines and planes and jutting hipbones were not on my agenda, and it never entered my mind to change that.

I have two freelance writing prospects I am going to try for, a scholarship essay to write, and I signed up for the short story contest. Procrastination has been the plague of my life since I can remember. My mission is to stomp that out, and the Flylady ideas I am in the process of learning have greatly improved my chances.

Other personal goals:
1)Stop using profanity. I feel that cursing has crippled my range of speech and idea, and besides, when I hear it out of someone else's mouth, it repulses me now for some reason. Mental recoil. This does not mean I am going to police or judge others.
2)Find a moderate approach to health. I am sick of watching and counting. It is not, I repeat not natural. I am not in training for a competition, I am not a sculpture, and I will win no prize for having a perfect body. A big reason I freak out over my weight is I create this ridiculous pressure to look like a pop star in all the social events Jason and I attend. For some unknown reason, I want all of Jason's friends and family to think I am perfect. This is an asinine notion. Jason himself thought I was ideal the day I met him before I did any "improving". He truly loves me, as is evident more from his constant dealings with my Crazy.
3)Become organized in a manageable fashion. I am not a naturally organized, but this does not mean I cannot adapt my own way of doing things. I feel this is imperative to a healthy mind.
4)Be more physically active in new ways. By this declaration I do not mean to go back to my routine more often, or to be more strict on myself in order to achieve weightloss. By this I mean try kayaking, yoga, martial arts, rock climbing, dance, etc. A healthy mind and body go hand in hand. If you cultivate one, you should see the other coming behind. If not a certainty, it might at least provide a fighting chance.
5)Call friends and family more. Even more ambitious, use the phone on a regular basis. This irrational fear is paralyzing and detrimental in my life. Baptism by fire.
6)Attend cultural events: not only do I want an uncluttered mind, I also want to expand my thinking and enjoy new experiences. I saw a poster for the Whirling Dervishes at the magestic. How amazing would that be? The Observer and ticket master may become my new best friends. Concerts, performances, avant garde movies, plays, etc. Dallas if full of them.

Things that are good:
love, strength, acceptance, patience, family, friendship, sun, water, food, warmth, beauty greater than ourselves, words

This ending.