Monday, August 14, 2006
Sept. 23, 2004- Edited with commentary on where I am now.
I visited Gran today. Sitting by the marker I fidgeted with grass and a twig, and more to the point, cried like a baby. She's been since 1995-it's been almost ten years (11 yrs now) but she's still a good listener, and I wish I could hear her replies. Walking back to my car I felt a sense of peace that's been missing. (I was going to community college during the day, only taking 3 classes, and the campus is close to where my great-grandmother is buried.)
I want to go back to the time of before. I want my innocence back, when I didn't worry about money, sex, or my body. Instead I thought about simple things-playing with the dog, eating whatever tasted good, classic movies, or a shirt with some kind of iron on graphic. None of my present obsessions were...well, present. My size was just what it was, I never tried to change it, but just dressed to fit it. Hard lines and planes and jutting hipbones were not on my agenda, and it never entered my mind to change that. (I can thankfully say that my true goal at this point is to still look good in my clothes, but more importantly to be strong and healthy, no bullshit.)
I have two freelance writing prospects I am going to try for (never did), a scholarship essay to write (did but got nothing for it), and I signed up for the short story contest (also did but once again did not place, I have long since decided writing as a career does not suit me at all). Procrastination has been the plague of my life since I can remember. My mission is to stomp that out, and the Flylady ideas I am in the process of learning have greatly improved my chances. (I've been a member of the Flylady yahoo group for over two years now and I still love her and her guidance and am STILL working on everything).
Other personal goals:
1)Stop using profanity. I feel that cursing has crippled my range of speech and idea, and besides, when I hear it out of someone else's mouth, it repulses me now for some reason. Mental recoil. This does not mean I am going to police or judge others. (Eh, doesn't bother me that much anymore, and oddly enough I pretty much don't cuss very often now. Maybe being a Mama helped with that the most.)
2)Find a moderate approach to health. I am sick of watching and counting. It is not, I repeat not natural. I am not in training for a competition, I am not a sculpture, and I will win no prize for having a perfect body. A big reason I freak out over my weight is I create this ridiculous pressure to look like a pop star in all the social events Jason and I attend. For some unknown reason, I want all of Jason's friends and family to think I am perfect. This is an asinine notion. Jason himself thought I was ideal the day I met him before I did any "improving". He truly loves me, as is evident more from his constant dealings with my Crazy. (I no longer care nearly as much about what others think, that was a weird headspace I had gone to and totally out of character for me. I appreciate and love my body so much more since carrying and giving birth to another human being. Once again motherhood kicks ass.)
3)Become organized in a manageable fashion. I am not a naturally organized, but this does not mean I cannot adapt my own way of doing things. I feel this is imperative to a healthy mind. (Still working on it but I feel I've come a long way and am happy with things.)
4)Be more physically active in new ways. By this declaration I do not mean to go back to my routine more often, or to be more strict on myself in order to achieve weightloss. By this I mean try kayaking, yoga, martial arts, rock climbing, dance, etc. A healthy mind and body go hand in hand. If you cultivate one, you should see the other coming behind. If not a certainty, it might at least provide a fighting chance. (Not only have I tried yoga, I do it three times weekly and am going to class tonight for a change from my at home practice. I LOVE IT! Still have not tried kayaking, martial arts, rock climbing, etc. but I do ride my bike when possible and am fairly physically active in other ways each day. Must work on this one, note to self. Oh, I plan on rock climbing, sailing a catamaran, and hiking the mayan pyramid ruins next week, so big fucking check on this one, heh.)
5)Call friends and family more. Even more ambitious, use the phone on a regular basis. This irrational fear is paralyzing and detrimental in my life. Baptism by fire. (Also mainly gotten over this, once again I grew up big time when mini-me was born. Something else I realized is the people I really have a hard time calling are people I don't really want to talk to, so duh, get new friends and distance from family I can't cleanse from my life.)
6)Attend cultural events: not only do I want an uncluttered mind, I also want to expand my thinking and enjoy new experiences. I saw a poster for the Whirling Dervishes at the magestic. How amazing would that be? The Observer and ticket master may become my new best friends. Concerts, performances, avant garde movies, plays, etc. Dallas if full of them. (This one I'm still sorely lacking in as well, the main thing we do when we go out is eat, though we have been to a lot of really cool places with interesting cuisine. I saw the Lion King musical which was amazing, we saw David Copperfield, we go to the botanical gardens and yesterday we went to the huge used book store and also the upscale blow my mind grocery. Hmm not as bad as I thought but I still want to address this issue.)
Things that are good:
love, strength, acceptance, patience, family, friendship, sun, water, food, warmth, beauty greater than ourselves, words
This ending. (Still good, but let's add motherhood, watching Jason with our son, being healthy, yoga!!!, new experiences, being so much closer to graduating.)