Thursday, March 20, 2008

LME, Thank you for sharing with me, once again I feel like I have support and received shared wisdom from keeping this blog and in "the real world" it doesn't always come so easily. I am happy to say I've made some genuine friends over the last few years but the great thing with a blog is really getting into some one else's thoughts, the things that maybe they won't say out loud. I don't think I'll announce to people out of the blue (which is my usual MO when I decide things or am trying something etc) that I have a problem caused by dieting and my personality type, and as a result I could end up feeling very isolated but I don't. Thanks to everyone out there silent or not.
I mirror checked a bit more than I would like yesterday. People that don't know might think it was vanity, admiration on a constant basis when in actuality it's checking your status, "Stomach flat enough?" no "Hips wide?" etc. I never realized I was doing exactly that, I mean I never felt like I had a laundry list of flaws but I can't lie and say it was really a positive thing either. I weighed myself yesterday. I don't think that weighing has to be an evil thing if you don't attach emotions to it, which is easier said than done. I didn't emotionally react yesterday so it wasn't necessarily a good thing to do in this early stage of healing but it wasn't terrible either. I wanted to weigh myself because my jeans pulled on over my hips with the button fastened and I've been eating whenever I want and whatever I want so I became very curious to see if I had lost weight. That was my big misstep, it doesn't matter if I've lost weight as that is no longer my focus-a small part of me cannot help but want to know since my behaviors feel so positive now, so WHAT DO I WEIGH?
Went out to dinner, I wanted to see how eating mindfully would go in that setting. In the old days I would sort of dread going out even though we did all the time because I really enjoy it and yet I would wrestle with myself over what choice I would make and if I would order what I really wanted or not. I usually did not. I ordered exactly what I wanted and ended up eating only about an eighth of what I would have in the past, including an appetizer. I did not restrict myself I just ate slowly and paid attention to each bite and chewed a whole bunch. I have realized I didn't use to breathe when I was eating I went so fast. I am learning how to chew and breathe without choking. Wow.
I adore food, most dietitians do. I also adore cooking which not all of us do and I am so happy to have made friends with it again, and for good. I desperately want my friends and family to join me in my new found thinking and doing but I am displaying amazing maturity and patience (the last one is usually hard for me) in not trying to force things on anyone. Force seems harsh, I usually persuasively campaign. Haha.
We're going to the in laws this weekend and I am not apprehensive about food for once, I know I can trust myself to take care of my body now and I am working on the mind/soul aspect. I have also suggested we have a party the weekend after that and cook out and make margaritas in the fancy blender I got two Christmases ago, it has a drink spout and everything, only used it to make protein shakes. *I am making a face.

PS Fell down while carrying my son yesterday to the car and jerked my shoulder something awful trying to protect him so we'll see what I can do workout wise-I wanted to do upper body today but I might do yoga, feels like a yoga kinda day.

1 comment:

M@rla said...

I've always said that dieting is the process of deliberately creating an eating disorder. Which sounds witty, but I don't know what I conclude from it. The same behavior in different people has different causes and results--like, if someone obsessed constantly about avoiding bees, and wore special bee-repellant clothing, and only went to special bee-free events, you'd think they were crazy. But then if you knew they were so allergic to bees a sting could kill them, the obsessive behavior would seem pretty rational. Oh, I know that's not a good analogy, but I couldn't think of anything better.

So if a person is "overweight," then is it OK for them to obsess on calories and exercise, and if they're "underweight" then it's an eating disorder? I don't know! And as you point out, weight isn't the determining factor in diagnosing or defining ED. But damned if I know when it's normal to diet and when it's disordered! Maybe it's always disordered? You are the one who knows what you're feeling and thinking, so you're the only authority on whether you have an ED and how severe it is--it would be so frustrating for people to think you're fine because you don't LOOK like what they expect.

Obviously I have nothing useful to say about this subject. I'm glad you're having these realizations about yourself and taking steps to live in a healthy way, physically and mentally.