Monday, March 10, 2008

I think this is a record for me, I'm not sure how many posts total for the day but I know most of it was negative. I want to change the way I am feeling and thinking before I just spiral further downward-my mind is a powerful thing no matter which direction it goes.
The problem is when I get like this (which unfortunately is too often for my liking) I feel helpless and miserable and think things like, "why can't I just be happy or do other people deal with this like I do?" In reality I know that at least I have long stretches where I am okay and others have it much, much worse. Hard to keep that in mind when I am dealing with things but I know it to be true.
My gut is telling me I need to baby this leg until I am sure it is okay, it may feel fine in the morning but I tweaked it pretty badly. Step ups at the gym are doable, not on my bench at home apparently, it is just too high and my hip flexors are too tight. I should have listened to my body when it told me that but I just kept going-trying to "save" my crappy day. I felt like I was failing myself by missing my workout and so I pushed it and ended up possibly knocking my ability out for several days. Hopefully it won't be that bad, I have to think positively.
I had a mindless eating problem for a few hrs today, just kept putting empty calories in my mouth and then a bunch of a cheese/prosciutto/basil roll on top of the high sodium lunch I had when I wasn't even hungry. Not horrible in the big scheme of things but not good-I could tell I felt weird and I can now identify when I am having a day like this that usually manifests in food abuse but I still don't know how to combat it.
Possible ideas: Go do something that engages my mind completely that doesn't involve food, not sure what this would be but I think it would be a good idea. The proximity defense regarding food and also maybe it would lift my crazy mood.
Okay that's really all I can think of right now-I really don't know what else I could do-my husband tells me to think of all the good things I have which just makes me feel worse like I am ungrateful or broken. I can't control these feelings coming on and awareness in that moment of all the things I have that I seem to be not appreciating is not helpful.
I may wake up tomorrow and feel fine, I never know how it will go. I'll reassess as far as workouts go when I see how my leg is doing then.


M@rla said...

I don't know if everyone feels like what you describe, but I know I definitely do! The post you made that starts "After riding high..." every word could have been written by me. I am OK for days and then I just crash - depressed, anxious, gloomy, etc. I finally learned a few years ago that I can almost always trace it to an external cause: something I ate or drank, or some irritant like the tree pollen. I am accustomed to over-analyzing my emotions, but in this case it's beneficial because I realized that the problem is NOT in my head for once.

I used to think I was clinically depressed! I'm glad I didn't end up on prozac or whatever, because I think treatment of depression has become SUCH a big business that if you even mention the word in a doctor's office you end up with a prescription for something mood-altering.

{which, I TOTALLY do not mean to discourage anyone from seeking treatment for depression; just saying I think it's frequently misdiagnosed or treated without enough investigation. Then when the pills end you still have the same problems).

I've found that the cleaner I eat and live, the harder it hits me when I stray. You know how I am with MSG and salt, it's like poison to me, but also sugar and alcohol hit me pretty hard--it can take me two days to recover from a couple drinks or a slice of cake. You never realize what these foods are doing to you until you stay away from them for a while, and then you wonder, Holy cow, did I ALWAYS feel that crappy?

Same thing with exercise--not enough activity and I start to feel very very squirrely, and then it becomes even harder to get up and do it! In fact I was going to write about that today, maybe I'll go into more detail.

And happy birthday!

Kada said...

Feelings are feelings. (Wow deep, huh?

You have every right to feel bummed. You're not broken. I'm sure there's days that your hubby feels crap and hates everything. But most of us who have/had an eating disorder of some kind tend to go with the Perfection thinking. No negative feelings here, young lady! We must be 100 percent perky and happy, or at least in control, ALL the friggen time.

Fuck that shit! Even my dog has grumpy days where she just wants to be left the fuck alone to mope on the couch.

Lows tend to follow highs and vice versa, that's nature. Just go look at a landscape. Well, okay, unless you're in Omaha or Wichita KS! LOL

Go ahead, feel crappy, and pretty soon it will pass.

M@rla said...

Oops, now I have to leave a p.s. because I realize it might sound like I'm saying "There's nothing wrong! Just eat right!" And I don't mean it like that. Obviously you eat well anyway, but also I don't mean to act like I know what makes you feel a certain way.