I'm going in a whole 'nother direction after getting so blue the other night and reading various things around the net. I say it's a different direction but in reality it is one I've visited before, just didn't stick with it out of fear.
I'm talking about learning to trust myself to make good decisions and to respect myself more instead of punishing. It's amazing how little I am hungry or even think about food when it is not off limits.
I know I've said this before, several times in fact, and I may falter again but I am not 100% convinced that no longer trying to lose weight is the answer for me to be a happier person. If you know me at all you know that doesn't mean free for all crap eating and no activity-that's not me anymore so why do I think I can't be trusted and further more why have I been so afraid of gaining weight? Will it matter if I'm no longer this size, if I never get to a smaller one? Hell no it won't. I'm sorry I had a Spartan birthday out of misguided ideas but each day is a new one and here I go. I'm starting to realize why I had a pretty badass body in high school despite my serious lack of nutritional knowledge and lack of exercise-I didn't have disordered thinking like every other girl I knew. I didn't care what size I was or how much I weighed and I never restricted food-just ate what I wanted and only rarely overate-we were way too poor to go out to eat even weekly so even Burger King was a treat to me. When I got to an income comfortable enough to go out any time the mood struck it became a thing to take for granted and the overeating continued, just all the time instead of a rare thing. I didn't sleep much and worked on my feet and unloaded freight trucks-before that I walked a LOT without a car, played in the woods even before that and was always outside. My lifestyle was just totally different, I guess I was the opposite of what I hear about today (lower economic families being heavier, etc.) We didn't have chips or sodas or candy or any of that nonsense-no money for that. My mom served meat, two veggies and a slice of bread with margarine and we drank iced tea all the time that was barely sweetened. There you go-no breakfast either most of the time and when I started working I had to provide my own lunches (15 yrs old on).
I think I completely lost my train of thought but I don't want to read back through this.
I want salads and water and fruit and lean meats and fresh seafood etc etc etc. Stuff that added the extra weight is not my cup of tea anymore for the most part and I move my ass quite a bit more than I did when this whole thing started. It's time to focus on being happier and to stop trying to meet a ridiculous ideal. My health is excellent and I'm tired of being miserable for vanity's sake.