Saturday, January 27, 2007

I'm at war with myself.
On Jan. 5th (or 6th, I can't remember) I said to myself, "Enough. You are going to stop this negative lifestyle you've adopted in the pursuit of a perfection that is not obtainable. If you continue to think this way about yourself, and food, and your body image, you will never be happy." At first, meaning really the first week or so considering it has only been three weeks, it seemed easy, I felt as if I were floating and woke up happy each day. It started to slow down when I weighed myself and saw that same higher number than my usual. Chanting the mantra of, "The number means nothing at this point, you're gaining muscle and taking care of yourself" I soldiered on, fighting my negativity still. The next week was harder, but I stuck with it and felt great and when I did the "official" two week measurement I discovered my body was the smallest (in a good, healthy way) ever in my adult life, and then I fell sick. Four days was all it took to bring me down, four days of no workouts and slightly wonky food. I only got in three workouts this past week and it showing in my body and more importantly my mind.
I am fighting a battle with myself, the desire to go back to counting my food and limiting my intake against what my body tells me it wants it back. All day it has flitted in and out of my thoughts, and I know I have to push back against these self destructive suggestions. I had already decided I would go into a "cut" right before bathing suit season, and that this was more about maintainence and muscle growth.
This is all just so exhausting at times, it really is. So exhausting to be nice to myself and to refuse the negative thoughts, the doubt, dealing with the stress of life. The thing is though, this is life-not something that is temporary or that you can shrug off, this is simply life and making the effort to have the best one that I can. That means feeding myself properly, working out regularly, and working every minute of every day to fend off the things that drag me down.
Workout today-20 min elliptical, 4.5 miles, 306 calories burned.


M@rla said...

Erin, I feel your pain! I'm going through a similar thing, trying to just eat healthfully and stop the obsessive counting and the extreme dieting. I have to keep telling myself that if that method worked, it would have worked already! It hasn't worked and the answer isn't to take off more calories. I mean, if you're already eating 1200 calories and not losing weight, eating 900 calories isn't the answer.

It's just so hard to believe that. We're so programmed to think we have to suffer and deny ourselves: It just can't be right to become healthier by eating MORE!

I think I've been unwittingly sabotaging myself for a couple years now, by constantly underfeeding myself. I look at those calorie calculators, and every one of them says I should be eating approx 2000 a day; for three years I've been eating 1400.

It's just damned near impossible to make myself believe it and eat more--it's taking a lot more bravery than dieting did originally! Any time the scale fluctuates I think "This isn't working! I have to eat less!"

Weirdly I didn't have any of these eating disorders back when I weighed 60 pounds more... I just was fat, I wasn't f***ed up about it.

M@rla said...

Oops, forgot to say this: go back and read your earlier posts, I think it will help you recapture your focus and determination—they definitely inspired me today.

Erin said...


Thank you for stopping by and saying exactly what I needed to read. I DID go back and read those posts and it did inspire me, so much so that I immediately whipped up a recipe that I've meant to try all week for grilled eggplant with a spicy asian dressing. After I get through my coffee I'm going to try and update and sort out everything swirling in the old noggin'.
I'm sorry there are other people dealing with the same crap I am, but it makes me feel better to know it! I know NO ONE in "real life" that I can talk to about any of this really. The glazed eyes and complete lack of understanding somewhat deter that for me.

LME said...

I am struggling AGAIN with this very same thing. I do my yoga (lately now almost every day) and get my walking in. I eat pretty well, though have been getting a little overindulgent with the sweets. A dress I'm wearing today feels a bit snug (see overindulging on sweets above, plus I'm having my period right now). My first instinct is that I need to chart my food for a week and keep track and cut back on calories, burn some off by doing some power walks and maybe I need to rejoin the gym, etc. etc.

I just got hold of myself before I logged into my old Sp*rkpeople account.

I don't want to be back there, spending my energy doing that.

I'm trying to refocus, listen to my body about when it's hungry and when it's not.

It's hard, but I know it will be worth it.

Erin said...


Sorry it took me so long to respond, I'm in a funk too and it's making it hard to do the things that I know make my life better. I am feeling a bit lost without the counting and restricting, which sucks and I hate to even admit it-but in reality, how long did we do that? Surely we can't just shift gears and expect the more healthy thinking to take hold immediately. I know dieting was not an immediately learned behavior either so it makes sense that it will be just as hard or even more hard in reverse. I think all of us that are trying to get out of the abnormal treatment of food need to be kinder to ourselves and realize it will take time. That's what I'm thinking anyway, I always expect myself to hop to immediately with no mistakes. Being a human that is a lot to ask.