I'm at war with myself.
On Jan. 5th (or 6th, I can't remember) I said to myself, "Enough. You are going to stop this negative lifestyle you've adopted in the pursuit of a perfection that is not obtainable. If you continue to think this way about yourself, and food, and your body image, you will never be happy." At first, meaning really the first week or so considering it has only been three weeks, it seemed easy, I felt as if I were floating and woke up happy each day. It started to slow down when I weighed myself and saw that same higher number than my usual. Chanting the mantra of, "The number means nothing at this point, you're gaining muscle and taking care of yourself" I soldiered on, fighting my negativity still. The next week was harder, but I stuck with it and felt great and when I did the "official" two week measurement I discovered my body was the smallest (in a good, healthy way) ever in my adult life, and then I fell sick. Four days was all it took to bring me down, four days of no workouts and slightly wonky food. I only got in three workouts this past week and it showing in my body and more importantly my mind.
I am fighting a battle with myself, the desire to go back to counting my food and limiting my intake against what my body tells me it wants it back. All day it has flitted in and out of my thoughts, and I know I have to push back against these self destructive suggestions. I had already decided I would go into a "cut" right before bathing suit season, and that this was more about maintainence and muscle growth.
This is all just so exhausting at times, it really is. So exhausting to be nice to myself and to refuse the negative thoughts, the doubt, dealing with the stress of life. The thing is though, this is life-not something that is temporary or that you can shrug off, this is simply life and making the effort to have the best one that I can. That means feeding myself properly, working out regularly, and working every minute of every day to fend off the things that drag me down.
Workout today-20 min elliptical, 4.5 miles, 306 calories burned.