Monday, January 08, 2007

I feel so good, so free. Letting go of this strange desire to in essence, disappear or make myself smaller, has lightened my heart. I am sure I will have scared moments with letting go this control I've had the last several years. The planning and scrutinizing of food, of calories, of me. I ate some 2% cottage cheese earlier and was happy in not measuring it-I didn't even measure with cups and such like some people do and yet not even mentally measuring was good, I just thought, "How much would I like to have, would fill me up?" The thing is, without FOOD being suck a focus it has lost its power. I've probably eaten LESS today than I would if I was trying to not eat much, sort of the Margaret Cho diet, or the Frenchies don't get fat idea. Don't get me wrong, I don't think I can magically stop worrying about it and not gain weight and keep on getting leaner. My focus now is TRULY (like I have claimed several times) on getting stronger and adding muscle and healing my mental weirdness-my self developed eating disorders. I am not part of that anymore and I like myself more each day and I am startled to see how dangerously thin a lot of women on teevee are today. Watching Las Vegas the other night kinda threw me for a loop with the visible rib cages and angular faces. Anyway, I took the pictures at top to put on my sparkpage and liked both of them, and was able to SEE the shape to my arms and shoulders and they just made me happy and I wanted to share.
I'm just so damn happy, I think I've met someone new-myself.

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