Last evening was "Girlie Night", where a group of us friends get together and basically have a huge selection of food and drink and we um, hang out and eat it. The name Girlie Night sounds to me like heading to a nudie bar, but not quite so erase that from your memory. It is sort of hard for me to be in this group of women because they are pretty much all overweight to varying degrees and make disparaging comments towards me here and there every time we're together, because to them I am the thin girl that is an enemy in a weird way, but they keep inviting me to hang out so it is sort of confusing. They have no idea what I have gone through, or what my mental hangups still are, or just how damn hard I have worked to get to this state of thinness that they seem to think was handed to me. Hmm, now that I write this I wonder why I keep going back. The thing is they are all also witty, intelligent, fun people and I don't think they realize the comments and attitudes hurt my feelings. Perhaps if I just opened my gob and TOLD THEM it hurts they would stop it or reconsider, I am just afraid of being the "whiney skinny girl, boo hoo I'm thin". Another distorted thing is, in my head when the label of thin is applied to me I still don't accept it and feel strange saying it out loud. Any admission that I have achieved what I have worked for years on is bragging somewhere in my subconscious. I think it relates back to an offhand comment from my MIL, I had told her happily that I thought I was finally in an 8 and was very excited and that was all I said, sharing something with someone that I thought would be happy for me too, and later she made the comment to someone else, "Erin was bragging about being an 8 all weekend."
Ah well, life goes on-I did ok with the party food and now I'm going to finish getting ready, go get my best friend, and drive to see my grandma that was diagnosed with cancer this year, she's getting worse a lot faster than we thought and I just want to have time with my friend (grandma) before that is no longer an option. She's always been my hero and it is hard to reconcile that the world will no longer be blessed with her presence.