I've been away from here too long and it has been preventing me from returning. Isn't that strange? I think it is something we are all too familiar with, you the further you get from taking care of yourself mentally or physically, the harder it is to journey back.
So I'm back, I won't talk about the holidays or how proud I was of working out in a different city with relatives determined to make me feel guilty for taking the time. I won't talk about how I've been sick too much during my much needed break, or how damned cold it is in the garage and it has been a struggle to go out there lately.
Instead I'll say hello and state my intentions for this year:

To be positive in all things. This includes self care and a big thing I'm trying on at the moment, being a vegetarian. It feels right but I don't really like labels. If I choose to have a crabcake at some point I don't want idiots breathing down my neck and I'd be lying if I didn't say the people I am most concerned about (and ignoring anyway) are my in-law family. I can just picture uninformed lectures right now and it already irritates me, not really in keeping with the whole positive resolution is it?

Last night went downhill in a hurry, in fact the sled must have been greased up with Crisco it went so quickly. I ate waaay too much after doing pretty well all day and ended up sitting on the couch feeling sorry for myself. Sparkpeople, my new best friend, says I can eat in the 1375-1700 calorie range, well according to my calculations I ate 1685, but you know that no matter how much you try your count can be off and I'm not going to get that crazy anyway. Back up the pound I had lost from that excrutiatingly hard day. I like to weigh daily so I feel like I'm in control, which may sound horrible to a lot of people but it's how my mind works. My mother says it's not our fault that we're bossy and controlling, we come from a long line of teachers. I am choosing to adopt that theory. So, I realize that weight is not real, but the longer I dither about with getting rid of the holiday pounds, the more real they become. Ever notice that? If you gain some weight that you KNOW is just bloating/water weight and immediately bust ass to get rid of it, it's not that hard...but if you let it hang around and then bounce up and down it becomes real poundage and takes forever. At least that's the way it is for me.
I had a real whingefest last night. Why can't I just be naturally thin? Most of the thin women I know/meet do confess to not doing much to get or stay that way and it flat out pisses me off. I am not fat at this point, I realize this, but it makes me angry that I have to work really hard to have a decent body-not even a great one like I want.
That type of thinking is counter productive and I know it, like I said it was a major pity party for one. I'm past that and determined to kick some ass again. That means grocery shopping as soon as I'm showered and dressed. Yes I blew it off last night and now have to drag the schweet babie out into the cold and wet to go this morning, but he likes to go on outings and I don't forsee any others today.
So: grocery shopping, tracking what I eat but not worrying about calories in such detail, and either elliptical, yoga, or weight training. The elements of success are here and I know them well, just have to get in gear.
On an aside though: I have been exhausted upon waking every day for at least the past two weeks and today I feel recharged somewhat. Time to wear myself out!