Friday, June 01, 2007

I stopped taking the med that was sucking the life out of me and am feeling much more like myself again, and once again have wisened up and returned to eating for health, not mythical thinness. I think I keep going on drives to be thin because I think I need to move forward at all times, and while that is not a bad idea, getting smaller is not necessarily the same thing. I will still do "mini cuts" for no longer than two weeks here and there if I start feeling swollen and toxic, but as far as being hard on myself to get down a size, that's for the birds. Cranky birds no one wants to be around, let alone the bird herself.
So I need a goal to work towards, I dislike working out purely to fit into an ideal that I am not even so sure that I can achieve, no matter how hard I push myself. I used to be so much curvier than I am now and I actually felt much sexier. Not sure how to get back to that in a healthy manner but for now my proposal is to make good choices nutritionally, enjoy indulgences in moderation without guilt, and to focus on being more athletic. That was the best thing a trainer ever said to me at 24 hr fitness, not "Hey you've lost weight" but "You are really looking athletic, good job." That was several years ago and it has stuck with me this long. My mode at that time was eating pretty darned cleanly Mon thru Fri and then drinking beer and eating at least one fried meal on the weekends. Ha! Now there's a diet! No really, I am not endorsing that necessarily but it worked for me. I was also weight training three times a week and running about 3 times a week in the park with our dog. Now she isn't able to even go for a 15 minute walk without needing to go home and rest and she's having a hard time controlling her um, business end so walking or running with her is pretty much non existent.
To do:
Figure out what race/walk/cycling event I want to train for...and try new activities as much as possible. I get into a rut when I am in "weight loss" mode and inevitably "fall off the wagon" because it is boring, it sucks, and is the equivalent to running laps when you forget your gym clothes. Funk dat.

I was tempted to berate myself for yet again see sawing back and forth mentally but I know in my heart this is the right way to live and I guess I need to be kind to myself and understand that it will take probably YEARS to undo the damage I started from dieting. I never had an eating disorder until I started on a certain well known diet plan, and though I don't blame the particular brand, it was dangerous for me to get hooked into behavior involving control and a need for external validation. I never gave a rip what anyone thought of my body before, I had great self esteem...and that is where I am headed now come hell or high water.


Dynamo360 said...

You look pretty darn thin to me already in your profile post! :) But I recognize that sometimes it's not so obvious (my own case in point).

Congrats on getting off meds... I am sorry but I have had nothing but bad experiences with them myself. I am a much happier, healthier and balanced human being all natural.

Keep the posts coming woman!

dorothy rothschild said...

Happy to read that you are feeling better.