So I had coffee this morning. After mentally struggling yesterday and drinking herbal tea instead and feeling like crap all day and even skipping class for the first and last time, I went to bed at 8:30 again and slept much too much and I got up, walked in here, and headed straight for the Nesc@fe and kettle. I hate the idea that I am attached to something and that despite my best efforts it gives me headaches if I miss one day, and yet I am thinking trying to go off it during school time that I need to be up and alert until way past my preferred bedtime is probably one of the dumbest things I've attempted.
On the topic of weightloss: I mentioned a while back that I was switching to fitness instead of weight loss as a focus, and I trundled along and made no comprehensive explanation of that, and in fact went somewhere far away brain wise. I'm coming back because I've finally effectively beat my brain about, lost my confidence, been sick, and now I'm starting again.
Official month later weigh in: 146. Last weigh in: 145.5
In case clarification is needed, that is not muscle but rather flabby flab flab. I've avoided mentioning numbers because I don't want to be looked upon as someone that needs to shut the hell up, the thin girl that complains about her ass, etc. I have never been hugely obese but I have been the biggest girl through years of school, picked on etc. (I don't think that ever leaves you totally) and then somewhere around the age of 18 or 19 I started packing it on, the exact number is vague and unknown because I was a big avoider and had never tried to do anything about my weight before. When I was 17 I remember going to the gyno for an exam an weighing in at 151 and being fine with that, and my mother thinking that was way too high. I thought she needed to get a grip. I am roughly 5'7" so while 151 is not "ideal" (put in quotes for a reason) it's definitely just fine. She would be horrified if I told her that memory as she would never dream of acting like that now, I'm not sure why she thought it was acceptable then.
Anyway...I digress. I must have been somewhere in the 180s, possibly a bit higher before my first stab at losing weight. I knew absolutely nothing, and when I asked my sometimes critical mother how she stayed so slim? Her answer: I drink a lot of water. THANKS, that was so helpful. The store she worked at sold stuff called Melt !t, which was basically the same as the other more famous stuff that I can't think of the name now-you ate nothing three hrs before taking it and you took it going to bed. Tasted awful, but I lost 5 lbs taking it and changing nothing else. In my mind I changed nothing but reality is I wasn't eating cheese fries at 2am every night anymore. Becoming a tech really put my eating/sleeping habits in the crapper, along with being poor and sometimes eating nothing else besides various Ramen noodle concoctions. Come to think of it I lost a little bit before and then lost the five with that but I couldn't tell you how I did it.
I joined gyms off and on from '99 onward but never went regularly enough. It all seemed too hard-I always got put on the stair climber thing, and not even the one with the revolving stairs but the really cardio intense thing with the two pedals you step back and forth upon-I still hate that machine. My cardio endurance has always been crap, as a child I was always the chubby red faced kid at the end of the class that would come straggling in during the fitness challenge bullshit. The shitty gym teacher wouldn't even wait on me, they'd all be back inside when I would come up feeling like puking and miserable beyond words with embarrassment. Wow, I still hate her, thanks for giving me such a crap idea of what exercise had to be like.
I'm a chatty kathy today eh? This is getting way too long, there's so much more to say...okay so I got rid of the last horribly bad for me boy, then started hitting the gym regularly around the same time but maybe a bit before, that I met me current hubby. I would do 3 full body workouts with circuit weight machines and 5 days of cardio, jumping from machine to machine doing ten minutes on each. So 30 min on weight training days and 45 min on days with no weights. I changed that to coming home and wogging intervals with our dog on the 45 minute days. This was not always perfect or consistent but I made real progress and I think back to that now and it makes me tired. I went from who knows what size down to a slim and trim 10 and yet because the scale never changed past 160, I thought it wasn't working. HOW FRICK FRACKING STUPID. Grr, makes me mad, and it makes me mad that I still pander to this way of thinking. Long winded story short, I'm about to go back to that way of life, more lax on food and kicking ass on exercise. I can cut before shorts/swimsuit weather hits again and hopefully help my poor metabolism and muscle mass out a bit. I'm afraid to start that until I have daily access to workout equip. though and with our one yr old that has been so hard. So, fitness, shape, clothes fitting, and no more obsession with the scale. I didn't even own a damn scale and no matter how tempting that is I'm not sure if I could get rid of this one now. Hmm. It's a thought.