And yet another first tonight. I actually did some real negative pull ups. Three.

So what? You ask, well I’ll tell you this was huge for me. My brother had started harrassing me again to try and do pull ups on his pull up bar and I was saying no again, that I can’t do it, that I just drop like a stone even doing negatives.
You see, this is the way it’s always been for me. I dreaded the President’s fitness test in elementary school, it was never fun, always a torture and I not only failed to do a pull up but could never do the “hang test” either. Pronounce that eye-ther.
Flash forward, twenty seven years old and I decide to try to perform negative pull ups and…
I did it, no them, three in fact. I could have done more but I got all excited and I also plan to do another KB workout tomorrow and didn’t want to be hurting too much. I felt strong and amazing and can’t wait to be able to pull up instead of slowly lowering down.
I’m on my way up.
Kettlebells people, kettlebells.

So that is me 2/3 of the way through my workout. Onward.

Last week was hard physically but I must say staying the course and getting all my KB workouts in was completely worth it and very empowering. I meant to come here yesterday and update, even took some pictures to post and then I couldn't find the cord to transfer and life got away from me. I spent some time being a growth coming out of the couch cushion yesterday before I finally peeled myself up and got my hr in, sweating and cursing the whole time. By the end of the video (the 2nd dvd again that is harder for me)I was saying *&*&*^&*! my abs! at the end when she says, "Now let's work on some abs." I talk to the dvd sometimes but anything I say is not truly meant, I like the dvd and admire Ms. Lurie for what she has accomplished not only with her physique but also with her business. I'm also greatful that the kettlebells have been made easily available at Target for not AS expensive a price as something you would have to order online.
I've done KB workouts 7 times, dvd 1 x 5 and dvd 2 x 2 and am excited by what is to come. I know after I really get proficient I can mix things up myself but I'm really enjoying instruction and being led for a change. I've done self made, self paced workouts for several years now and this is really keeping me hooked. Another thing that is keeping me "hooked" is what is happening with my strength levels. I started with the 10 lb as you know just because I wasn't totally sure where to start and that worked well for about 3-4 workouts and then I needed to upgrade to the 15 and not only did I need to but I can DO cleans, presses, snatches, etc with the 15 now whereas I'm not so sure I was strong enough to do so before-that means a pretty serious gain very quickly. After a few times with the 15 I know it won't be long before I need the 20 and that rocks so hard. My son is about 37 lbs and I pick him up quite a bit-something that was sort of hard was slinging him into the carseat because you have to get the butt in, not hit his head and put him in sideways while bending over-a great deal more difficult than simply lifting 37 lbs on a barbell or something. I don't have to put him in the seat very often anymore but if he's having what my grandma calls a "critical day" I'll put him in there against his will and it is easy now. I can handle him all kinds of ways with NO effort really now and that is amazing to me. I'm not someone that's never strength trained before, I've done it for years and yet after 2 and a half weeks of doing this I am noticeably stronger than ever before. I am smiling right now.
My weight is also doing weird things-I'm not refering to the scale because that's not moving much, maybe a pound to a pound and a half but I look...alternately more ripped and more squishy. I know that doesn't sound appealing but I've seen my body do this before-it's like it has to adjust to fat loss before the skin sucks back in-very scientific explanation eh? I'm also showing 1% bodyfat down. in three weeks. yes.
Things are good-I'm off to eat my cheat meal-chili cheese dogs and tator tots (Hebrew National 98% fat free franks, white wheat buns, 2% cheese, 99% fat free chili, and regular ol' Ore Ida tots.) YUM! I seriously don't miss all the extra disgustingness and just think of all the toilet paper we'll save by not eating all that grease.

I've been working all week and have just been wiped out-I want to post and other things that have slid but maybe not just yet. Getting up at 5 (not my norm at all) in order to workout still has been killer but I've done it.

Let's talk about food a bit shall we? I just had a delicious salad and it took me maybe 3 minutes to throw together, making it much more likely that I will continue to make and eat the salad instead of driving down to S0nic for an extra long cheese coney. Ugh, that even sounds gross to me right now-must be a side effect of changing my mentality towards eating what is good for me.
What are the main factors that prevent people from eating nutritious whole foods? I can think of a few, the same factors that affect food choices in general whether you are aware of it or not: availability, convenience, time, finances, season of the year and taste-let's not forget taste though it is surprisingly not one of the top criteria running on most people's mental tapes. I'll share what I just made and ate and see how it fared with these points.

Roasted Chicken and Avocado Salad with Vine Ripened Tomatoes
Serves: ME (shrugs, or you-you know depending on who made it)

2-3 oz roasted chicken breast chopped, skin removed
1 large vine ripened tomato
1 and 1/2-2 c. organic baby spring mix greens (I hate to call it lettuce since it has so much more character)
1/4 sliced avocado
1 and 1/2 T. olive oil vinegarette dressing (I used Ken's Steakhouse Lite)
smattering of sunflower seeds (yes, a smattering)

Mix all together and eat. Ta da! I bought the rotisserie chicken yesterday and put it in the fridge still in its handy little carrying case. Very easy, not expensive, TASTY. We can pull meat off for sandwiches, salad, soup if I wanted to make it, etc. I also bought a container of Simply Potatoes mashed potatoes which I could eat with the chicken warm for a cheat meal, maybe with a side of green beans or big slices of tomatoe. I have not opened the potatoes but will probably serve that to Husband and Son at dinner while I enjoy half a plate of veggies. Anyway, super easy, no additives-chicken is freshly cooked, I bought it an hour after it came out of the oven and the potatoes are simply that, hence the name. They do have cream added to them hence the reason I won't be freestylin' those tonight. They are delicious and not overly salted or anything like that. Country Crock potatoes I'm looking at you. *scowl
I buy organic lettuce prewashed in a tub and just grab some anytime to put on sandwiches, tacos,or make salads. If I've bought spinach I also make fritattas with that but the last one turned out dreadful-we're on fritatta notta time right now. Tomatoes, carrots, apples, bananas, and berries I also buy organic-if you have the funds to go all organic and even better, local, please do it. However if you need to be a bit choosy and save a little cash get organic when you are eating the peel or if the product itself might have been sprayed such as lettuce. Banannas are actually probably fine to buy regular however I enjoy the organic ones for their taste. Regular ones hardly have any flavor to me now and even the skeptics that run the checkout lines always comment on the same thing. Bananas are harvested while still unripe and then shipped to where ever and THEN force ripened in chambers with ethylene gas. This does not hurt you as far as is known, but something seems to be lost in translation. Nature is best when it comes to many things and especially food. Berries are obviously eaten whole and I have found they taste better as well when I buy organic. I noticed Dole strawberries were lacking in flavor despite being a gorgeous red color and then when I sliced into one or bit into it, I saw the red seeped down into obviously white unripe fruit inside. Hrm, me thinks we are being fooled on that one. Unnaturally gorgeous ripe color on an unripe fruit. Bleh.
Organic strawberries taste way better and yet go moldy really quickly so I've just purchased frozen organic blueberries, strawberries and raspberries. I plan on having them with whole wheat pancakes and in my protein shakes. I can get out what we want and then put the rest back without them going bad so quickly-not as good to eat plain but great with other foods or in shakes.
So, super easy, not anymore expensive than a fast food meal and very tasty.
Amen.

Upping the 'bell to fifteen lbs definitely made a difference. I can still press that weight but it is much harder and I was struggling on the last few reps each circuit. The ten pound did the job for cardio but then it became manageable after about 3 workouts. The fifteen worked my core a lot harder and made it really difficult again. I'll keep on with the fifteen until it is no longer as difficult and then upgrade to the twenty. I can do swings and cleans with the twenty but pressing that much over and over would not be a great idea I think-would lead to bad form and possible injury (my shoulders are touchy, not unlike most people's).
Couldn't get the volume 2 disc at D!ck's Sp0rting G00ds-they just simply did not have either disc even though they're on the website. I did watch the disc that came with the new bells (old one did not work when we got it)and it showed the Turkish Getup and watching the Cleans on it made it more clear for me and I did it with good form and no wrist slapping today. I was doing it completely wrong like I thought, but now I have it.
"Cheat Meal" mentality last night led me to eat about 3-4 times as much as I normally would because it tasted so good but I won't keep doing that over and over...my normal mode is clean eating and I honestly like the foods I eat. Not a hardship just depends on your perspective.

36 minutes of Wii Fit today-I did yoga and cardio mainly trying to stretch out my legs from the kettle workout yesterday-not very sore which confirms somewhat my feeling of needing to upgrade the weight. I'm going to get a fifteen and a twenty lb bell tonight along with the 2nd dvd that shows the Turkish getup etc. I really like following along with a video-I have NEVER done that with weights and it makes me feel like I'm in a class which is apparently something that really works for me. I didn't know that because I've never been able to consistently attend any fitness classes other than the handful of power yoga ones I did at night with my mom. We LOVED doing that.
On to what I've been using: Iron Core Kettlebell dvd volume 1. Here is a link to their website along with their bells and videos, etc. I'm resisting buying the wristbands because if I control the movement enough I don't get smacked that badly on the arm but then again I am still a little lost on exactly what I am doing wrong on the Clean. Still working on it-I think I was doing too much of a one arm swing motion and need to keep my arm closer to my body-watching some videos of various people doing it cleared it up a bit for me.
Speaking of videos, there are tons on you tube and something I learned during last night's insomnia episode-people are just as silly and immature about kettlebells as they are about traditional free weights. A great deal of the comments on the videos were highly irritating but such is life. Why would you watch someone do a Turkish Getup with a 45 kg kettlebell and then say, "Now let's see you do it with a barbell." RAWR makes me want to smack people.
Purchased my old standbyes of cottage cheese, Fiber One, carrots, etc and am puzzling out the eating side of things. I want the heavier KB to do my workout tomorrow-Husband brought up starting himself today and I could have danced a jig. Yay for non pressuring my spouse and him figuring things out on his own. It is a bit irksome that one of our male friends started a long time back and I think that is partially why he is receptive to it-nothing I have ever done and showed him has been any interest to him. Let's not overthink things here.

Just a quickie, I do NOT have time as I am supposed to be walking out the door in 15 minutes with my son awake, shoes on and stuff packed to go for his three yr checkup. Yesterday was his birthday!
I did all three circuits off my KB dvd and do not feel like I will die this time. Definitely still a workout but not nearly as bad as it was that first time. I'll need to upgrade to a heavier bell soon-maybe get one tomorrow and get an even bigger one for Husband. Yay that makes me excited!
I will post links about KB stuff later, like my dvd and their webpage and other blogs that have been talking about it.
PS I need to name my bell, I saw that over at MizFit and loved the idea. Suggestions?

I gotta say it is a little bizarre how I manage to do something new when the rest of the world is doing it too without my knowledge. Honestly I've been lusting after the kettlebell concept for a good long while now and I finally go by one and start and I've read at least ten or more blog posts about others doing it too. Crazy! *I certainly do not have the ego to think it is because of me, just noticing how strange life can be.

I'm sitting up, hoping that this damned ibuprofren kicks in sometime soon so that I can go to sleep without my knees exploding. Not sure which activity I engaged in did this to my legs but they are aching, aching, ACHING. I did 35 minutes of Wii stuff today including hoola hooping, skiing, soccer, running in place, boxing against a heavy bag and some yoga and stuff like lunges and plank. I know the hoola hoop one can do a number on my knees but who knows. My appetite has gone crazy, I am sitting here hungry right now and I've had plenty to eat over the day-in fact I had a hambuger steak at my mom's and managed to lodge part of it up in my nose-back of throat-area. In case you were wondering if that feels nice...no.
I'm super excited that my husband is using the Wii and also interested in doing kettlebell workouts, the more stuff I read about them the more amazing I realize they are-so time efficient yet fun and interesting. Tomorrow I'll do all three circuits-my legs are sore but not that bad from doing the two circuits so I'm fairly confident I can bump it back up.
Hrm, legs are still hurting. Boo.

PS Regarding tattoos oh wonderous Marla-I've wanted at least onoe for years but we shall see if that happens. Part of me isn't so sure anymore-I've changed so much but I definitely want to be a badass instructor.

Just completed two of the three cicuits on my kettlebell workout dvd. Last time I did all three and was jelly the rest of the day and could barely walk for almost three days. This is with a ten pound bell even though I've read to start with a 15. Apparently I am more out of shape than I thought! Part of me says, "Why didn't you do all three even though your body was telling you to stop?" but I am ignoring that voice and taking care of myself. Wore my HRM today and burned 371 calories in 37 minutes with an avg HR of 156 and a high of 182!
I've eaten yogurt with almond slivers and had plenty of water-I got up late so don't think I am trying to starve myself.
On the sick front: almost better, well enough to workout and just take breaks to hack up stuff and blow my nose. I know that is part of why the workout was so hard-the first time I tried it I was coming down with this junk so it will be interesting to see how I progress. I have a new motivation and it came to me with the KB workouts and my desire to go further with them: I've said it before regarding being an RD, you need to look the part or no one will want to pay you lots of moola, haha, but with teaching KB workouts I will REALLY need to look the part as it is not as mainstream yet and it's a different way of doing things. People are visual creatures. That may seem depressing but for me it is actually uplifting, I can't seem to really focus when the goal is purely my vanity but when it comes to being successful in business, that I can focus on and vanity is just a side project. I don't say my "health" because despite my pudgy appearance now I am quite healthy and won't lose site of that. My arms are tired and I'm stopping now that I just sort of opened a can of worms. Love me.

The time has come to be inspired again. To fee motivated and to be active and to take ownership over how I feel and what I do and what I don't.
I've been drifting for months now and feeling at loose ends. Lost, half-hearted, confused about what to do with myself and how to get back to feeling good.
I've been sick more time out of the past two weeks than I have been well but I'm hoping to wake up tomorrow feeling ready to face the day instead of hacking up nastiness and laying there until after noon.
Food has been more of an issue than ever and I am deciding here and now to take charge again and to honor the principles that got me into nutrition in the first pace. How terrible I would feel if I finally became an RD (which I will in less than a year!!)and I no longer took proper care of myself or my family regarding what we put in our mouths each day. I've become overwhelmed and squirmy about making dinner, planning things, even grocery shopping. Hallmarks of depression for me and the only way to get out of it is to make a plan or heck, plans.
I tried basically eating the paleo diet for about a week and saw my weight dropping (about 4 lbs in less than a week) and my stomach flattened out. I also had zero energy and felt like total shit, unable to workout much or do really anything. That resolved itself when I started eating more carbs again out of desperation (I had inlaws descending on the house and it was a mess and I needed energy to correct that in a hurry!). I liked having rules again though and some sort of plan but it fed into disordered thinking too much. I found this out when I went veg and I found it out again when doing paleo-restricting an entire food group that is not exactly harmful does my head in. I can restrict alcohol or dessert-whatever, but food that I feel deep down should be okay makes me sort of crazy. I must make a plan and I am not sure what but it is happening tomorrow. I will lay it out as I think it out.
Exercise: I finally did the hour long kettlebell workout and it was absolutely amazing and exciting and it was like a key turning in a lock for me. I actually had the thought in the back of my mind, "This will be what does it for me, I have finally found my niche." I even looked around to see if I could find a place to become certified. After one workout. I still want to teach yoga too, my ideal would be to teach yoga and kettlebells and lead intuitive eating workshops with a focus towards nutrition. I don't believe you have to separate the two, nutrition and eating "normally" can meld together but I have to figure that out for myself first, right?
We bought a Wii Fit and I absolutely love it, I cannot say how much I love it and I've been using it as well. So I haven't totally gone anywhere of a warm clime riding in a handbasket but I've had that lost feeling and I am ready to be found.

Ahhh Marla you make me laugh. I can say Marla now not M@rla! Somehow that looks strange but I am sure we will all adjust.

Where the hell have I been, eh? I like to say I am a work in progress instead of possessing a broken down junky ass psyche. Been depressive this week, sleeping a lot, extremely fatigued, etc. Let me back up...
July 1sst started our vacation and then we left for Mexico the next morning (waking up at 3am to catch our flight) and got back on the 6th. Yet again I packed my travel yoga mat and did not do even one Downward Facing Dog yet I was pretty active and had a great time. Went to the Mayan Riviera again and came back with increased calf strength from deep sand walking (to get to the bar some of the time I admit) and sore back muscles from snorkeling in high waves over a reef. Fantastic. I never used flippers before so learning to manuever those things was interesting, once I stopped trying to manhandle the durn things and just swam with them higher in the water I shot off like a rocket. Once again trying to force things to go my way instead of going with the flow wore me out but I am learning to go with the flow.

Since we returned our son has been in Oklahoma all week and I miss him like crazy and that has not helped my blues. I didn't want to return to the real world and then to be missing his sunny little face made it even worse. So I stuck my head in the sand and even avoided my online class, resulting in a big module test I have to make up and a quiz and my instructor wondering what the hell was going on-I thought I would vomit last night when I finally logged in and saw what I had done by avoiding. It is not a surprise that I was procrastinating, that's a hallmark of depression and I've been at least moderately depressed for several years.

I think my grandma going in to the hospital with her organs basically shutting down from the methadone buildup, fighting with my dad and subsequently not speaking to him for the first time in my life and then just the exhaustion of traveling from the wee hrs of the morning all day with an almost 3 yr old got to me. Let's add in of course the experiments I've been conducting that are dying a short lived death.

I have been TRYING to follow the Paleo diet the last few days which has not been that hard but I have had so litle energy no workouts have occurred which in my book is a big FAIL. I have to workout, see: depression. We purchased a Wii and have been playing the sports and also got a Wii Fit. I am firmly in the overweight category again and my Hubby is way above where he wants to be too (not my place to publish his stats, that's his biz though I share my nitty gritty with you). This game thing is FUN and I have yet to do even a fourth of what it offers. My tricep and shoulder on my right arm is SORE though and I had to switch to left handed swing to play the tennis game last night.

I have also purchased tennis raquets (real ones) and a kettlebell with workout dvd to show me stuff from Iron Core. I want to try that today even though I am a bit concerned that the only 'bell they had for me to buy might be the wrong weight for a beginner. It's a ten pound one which is nothing for me as far as normal free weights go but I read to start out with maybe a 5 lb one to learn the moves. I'm not your average unconditioned female though, I would say just a bit better than average so maybe this will be alright.

I have Fit Tv vids running out my ears, a new toy (kidding, I know a kettle bell is a serious mamma jamma) and a Wii Fit with a trainer all waiting for me. I should be in stunning Amazonian shape in about 5 minutes, brb. *wink

Talk to me people! Am trying to break out of being reclusive again. A chickpea is neither a chick nor a pea, discuss.

I just did an hr long Latino/African dance class off of Fit Tv with MaDonna Grimes as the instructor and I had so much fun! Not to mention burning 600 calories. something I usually can only do with several workouts or feeling halfdead when I walk out of the gym. I did this in my living room and it was fun and new and awesome. Everytime I have tried to do a dvd off netflix or something like that I haven't liked it so I thought maybe this type of thing was just not for me. I think maybe I just tried the wrong ones.
Happy Birthday Honey! Not that you read this. heh.

I thought I posted this yesterday but it is not here. :(

Hey all, tomorrow(actually now today) is my husband's birthday and I think it would be fun if he got emails from people (even strangers to him) wishing him a happy one. If anyone is game send to jasonshappybirthday AT gmail.com (changing the AT to an @ sign of course).

Thank you to anyone that does it, I think it could be fun. *grin

Day 7 of no caffeine or alcohol! Also:finally answered comments from Friday so check that out if you want.

No headaches anymore, had a grizzly bear of one last night and had to take more motrin even though I tried to avoid it. The pain was so bad I couldn't go to sleep so I gave in-
What I am really buzzed about right now is I had just about argued myself into skipping my workout today (planned weight training) but went out there and did some anyway. I doubt it was anymore than 20 minutes at most, which is paltry but I DID it. I wasn't feeling that boost though that I wanted from the workout which was definitely a let down. So I knocked out an assignment for my online class (bane of my existence right now) which made me feel amazing and then I went and did a 30 minute yoga workout I had recorded and LOVED IT. It was great! I cannot stress enough how awesome and FREE-called Namaste Yoga on Fit TV, I am definitely recording the series now and will do it as much as humanly possible. The sequences were not too difficult but got my blood pumping and lifted my mood. The woman's voice leading the class and the people demonstrating were soothing and beautiful, very nice. I turned the FIOS guide on to find Fit Tv to make sure the whole thing recorded and a show called Shimmy was on and it was belly dancing. I didn't hesitate, just jumped up and did it and LOVED IT too! That is now being recorded as well. That one I only did 15 minutes of (caught the end) and it was wearing me out but it was actually fun, something that has been missing lately. Two wins for Fit Tv, will be trying all star workout as well, it has boot camp classes, kick boxing you name it. If you can get this channel I recommend it.

So Day 2 of no caffeine or alcohol is going well.

But let me backtrack a bit.
Thank you all for your kind comments regarding my grandmother, she is doing as well as can be expected but...it is just not a good situation and it is not going to be a good situation. Kada, I hope your Nan improves as well, so sorry to hear she is having a hard time.
I haven't posted anything because our son came down with a fever Tuesday night and then by Wednesday noon it was almost 103 and I started wigging out. I had it in my mind somehow that his brain would boil if he got any hotter (not sure where I heard that) and tylenol was not bringing it down. I put him in a lukewarm bath and brought it down about a degree and the doc called back in and we got him in at 4:30 that day, our doc's office rocks on the sick child appts. The old one was terrible. By that point I had already called my husband crying (I got less than 5 hrs of sleep and was so worried, not a good combination) and he came home from work and took him to the doctor. After I had already called him I calmed down and could have done everything myself but it was nice to be rescued I have to admit.

I have done an hr of power yoga twice this week and it felt great and it amazed me AS ALWAYS (when will I learn) how sore it makes me when I don't practice for awhile and how great it makes me feel. I am trying a sort of break from alcohol and caffeine for awhile, not sure how long really as we go on vacation soon and I am already getting pressured about drinking-maybe I will just tell them no, what a novel idea. The alcohol is not a problem but boy howdy I sure am wanting coffee today, it is creepy how often I have had these little whispers to just go make a cup and how it is silly to go without it. That is obviously a problem. What do I hope to gain from this? Hopefully better sleep and a more alert state with more energy.

Another note of weirdness: Yesterday I felt huge, just unwieldy and gross, hard to explain. Apparently I was bloated up about 2 inches through my midsection. I swear my body is so strange, even my new bigger clothes were not fitting and today they are loose. Bizarre.

After posting Friday and then going in to start yoga in our bedroom I received the news that my grandmother was taken to the hosptial and my mother had jumped in the car and sped up there that morning. All I knew is she would not wake up and her boyfriend was scared and called my mom to ask what to do. I found out later initial impressions were CHF (congestive heart failure). My mind immediately raced through what would happen as I am quite familiar with CHF, most of my patients have it in the hospitals. The fluid must be managed through diet, some type of drug therapy, and sometimes a fluid restriction. My mom tells me, "You were right, they put her on a 2 gm sodium diet" and for a brief instant I felt angry but I knew that had no place in the situation. Why the hell am I going through all of this heart ache and stress to get this degree if my own family does not believe I know what I am talking about? Same thing when she was going through chemo and needed to restrict sodium and numerous other people close to me-no one listens and no one seems to credit me with being the expert, which despite my seemingly constant need to down play my achievements, I am. Like I said, brief instant, mainly I was just overwrought about my grandma, the loveliest soul I've ever met and a big influence on my life.
My mom stayed up there over night and came home at noon Saturday-they believe it was secondary to the meds she was on (something else I suggested) and not actually her heart, in other words not a primary case so something that can be treated a lot easier. Very relieved.
Ate like crap all weekend and then yesterday ate fairly well and did an hr of yoga again so I am sore all over today. Diet mentality was taking hold again so I surrender and know that I have to make IE work for me, I have no other choice. My other choices are compulsive over eating or dieting, both of which drive me nuts. Oddly enough they both go hand in hand as well.
Cooked a meatless dish for dinner last night and Husband ate it with no complaint and said it was good. It is almost vegan except for the feta cheese but I bet you could sub out some nice chopped olives for the cheese to retain the briney salty flavor. I'll post it later when I feel better, right now I have a pounding headache and just want a cup of coffee and the couch. Hate feeling like a slug, I got so much accomplished yesterday. Hurumph.

Are we there yet?

I've eaten well for two days (yesterday was sort of a miss) and worked out a bit here and there so why am I not magically fitting back in to my clothes yet? This is what my silly brain seems to think will happen. Um, no, it took about two months to grow OUT of the clothes so I don't think that will be fixed in a few days. Our beach vacation that has been planned for practically a year is coming up in 3 weeks and I am more flabby and unable to fit into anything than I have been since losing the baby weight two yrs ago. Argh.
BUT! I am getting nicely visible back muscles, shoulders and arms are looking good and my legs feel strong again. Nevermind the giant ugly bruise by right knee caused by a loaded barbell swinging down onto it off the bench. I am sure it will still be there, my bruise and me hanging out on the sand with a Modelo in hand.
On my calendar today is some form of cardio or alternative exercise like yoga but I have yet to do anything but sit on the computer and it is getting hotter by the minute. Like M@rla our temps are consistently around 100 degrees F here and if I don't get out there before ten it is miserable.
I did lift Wed. morning and then rode my bike around the block. That was followed by moving furniture around my mom's new apt and then swimming at her friend's pool. It had a diving board and I dove over and over-haven't done that in at least ten yrs and wasn't sure I would remember how. We had great fun and it was way better than standing around getting waterlogged. I made potato salad yesterday but our mayo looked sketchy (rarely eat it) so I threw in lite sour cream instead of it tastes pretty good though a little....sour creamy, haha!
Have venison steaks marinated in the fridge, may pick up some corn to grill as well and serve that with the potato salad. FIL is coming to stay the weekend and Husband seems to want to cook for him though I would rather get take out then worry with someone else's opinion. I do not feel guilty over that, heh.

Oh my goodness, I must have been slacking on the fiber, I am just FOUL today and that is all I'll say about that.
Another great day, ate well and spent several hrs reading a great book and I just got back from a quickly paced 30 min walk. I intended on maybe lifting weights too but I feel too shaky and I have promised myself I will do it in the morning. I feel good right now though and that is what matters. I need to wear my pedometer and see how far since I lengthened the distance by adding in two more loops I used to leave out through the neighborhood.

Tonight was turkey Tuesday on the menu so we had a dish I had already made Sunday. We had turkey bratwurst and extra lean turkey bacon cooked so I chopped that up and added it to whole wheat spiral pasta with a 2% Italian three cheese mix and sauteed sweet peppers and onion. Mixed that together with basil marinara sauce and baked it for about 25 minutes. Turned out great, in fact describing it just made my mouth water, maybe that's the low blood sugar talking. Threw the marinated shrimp stuff from last night into a flat-out wrap with some shredded 2% cheddar and spinach leaves for lunch, I am trying for more variety now but I was worried about leaving the shrimp for too long.
Gotta drink my little 3 oz yogurt (post workout recharge, low cal and has good mix of electrolytes naturally) and then tackle my school work. Boo.

I'm not dropping scale weight but since I cleaned up my act my body looks and feels a lot more like I am comfortable with and I am feeling good.

And with no preamble or semblance of cohesion...

I've decided to plan our food like a menu, I've planned two weeks of menus for a hospital including all three squares with diet restrictions met-surely I can do this for our home to make my life easier. So far I've just settled on entrees-Sunday-venison or duck, Monday-seafood or meatless, Tuesday-Turkey, Wednesday-Chicken, Thursday-Beef, and then Friday can be leftovers, take out or dining out. I figure to have leftovers made into salads or other incarnations for lunches and will be making fritattas, whole wheat pancakes and steel cut chewy oatmeal for breakfasts.
Tonight I thawed some precooked, detailed shrimp and marinated them along with sweet bell peppers, baby portabellos, and gorgeous locally grown tomatoes in a sun dried tomato lite vinegarette dressing with extra vinegar, olive oil, garlic, a dash of sea salt and fresh cracked pepper. I let that sit for a few hrs and then served it on vegetable rice pilaf. We each had a small plate and felt totally satisfied. I got a ton of wonderful produce at Costco of all places, much of it grown here in Texas, fresh, with no disgusting coating of wax or chemicals. I did buy a ton so it has been fun to feast on fruit and veggies today. Our son ate two sandwich baggies of grapes all by himself and shared an asian pear with me at breakfast. He is a fruit lover so that is no surprise but he is also enjoying salad with me which makes my heart glad.
I kept him home today and we had a wonderful time, a welcome cold front came in along with dark skies and high winds. He helped me to make a cup of coffee (balanced on his little chair) and then we set up tents in the living room and watched Sound of Music. It was every bit as lovely as it sounds.
Just went for a slightly longer walk and did it in less time so I must be improving though it doesn't feel like it. Tomorrow the wee one goes back to school so I'll be hitting the garage to hoist hunks of metal in a repetitive fashion.

An idea of what I ate today for kicks:

Afore mentioned chewy oatmeal (vastly different than old fashioned oats) with a squidge of honey and a whole wheat english muffin with a slice of dark red tomato and a vegetarian sausage patty. I got halfway through the sandwich and was full so I wrapped the plate in plastic wrap and put it in the fridge. Oh and I had about a cup of grapes.
String cheese and a large asian pear.
Flat out wrap bread with chipotle hummus, sweet peppers, tomato and honey ham.
Strawberries
Bowl of Fiber One raisin bran type cereal with lite vanilla soy milk.
nonfat Fage yogurt with dried tropical fruit sprinkled in and a squirt of honey.
Shrimp dinner I already talked about-

I won't bore you with this all the time but I have to say I am pleased with what I ate today and am looking forward to each day going forward.
Hungry now so I think I'll go scrounge up a nutritious, tasty, snack.

As soon as I can figure the video thing out I'll be doing that sometimes but I have yet to tackle it. Stuff and nonsense.

So I'm evolving again.

Is anyone really surprised? I don't know why I am surprised ever time the new wears off and I get bogged down and am not sure how to fix it. I then find the NEW BEST THING and am off and running again. Why do I try and force myself to be someone that sticks with the same thing for very long?
I came to the realization today that it is A-OK for me to change my mind continually as long as I am still heading in a postitive direction and it hurts no one else. Intuitive eating feels too aimless for me, it lasted for a month this time and I am taking away some very important lessons. I hate to come across as totally ditching the endeavor or that it is not valid or wonderful, it is, but my curse or blessing (depending on how you look at it) is to have a driving need to change constantly, to evolve, to try new things.
I am not digging how I am feeling about my body or my health or my energy levels lately, and I definitely need a recharge.
Not sure what to try next, so far this year it has been vegetarian eating and intuitive eating, we'll see what I land on now. As always, nothing unhealthy or too restrictive. Vegetarian eating was too restrictive and intuitive eating too loose. I have discovered I need structure but too much kicks in disordered thinking.
Accepting myself apparently means to be okay with the fact that I am not that accepting. Hmm.

PS Weights workout again today, so two this week-want to shoot for three though I am thinking I have to get my wake up schedule under control in order to hit my workouts like clockwork. Been working on that and am naturally waking up fairly early now so that should be "no sweat". Ha.

Worked out this morning (full body weights workout) and just got back from my walk. I'm listening to an audiobook that is really enjoyable-a Janet Evanovich romantic comedy/mystery type story. It's cute and the mile and a quarter speed by without me even thinking about it really.
My overachieving nature says that is not a long enough walk but I am proud that I am just doing it at all and I think it will be a good addition. Time permitting we are going to start going as a family too and that will be good for the spirit as well.
I am thinking I will start doing some video posts, it will help me to be more realistic and not get twisted to see myself as I really am and a lot of the time I could talk about things that I just can't seem to type out into words. I hope that won't be too lame for anyone out there. Mainly I'll probably just talk or show things I've found and I plan on adding some workouts in as well, I always liked that on other people's pages. It sounds like more work that might be a deterrant but I actually think it will encourage me to post more often.

Guilty pleasure: Torchwood

Almost done reading French Women Don't Get Fat-great read actually-I wasn't sure what I would think. Lots of intuitive eating principles but with more structure and lots of great recipes. I also bought her book French Women for All Seasons. She talks a lot about eating and living for seasons and how it makes items that come into season (like strawberries or tomatoes for example) so exciting and pleasurable when you wait for them to be fresh and local. That's a simplified version of a great concept that I am bumbling-maybe I'll do a vid post about that. Also, Sally writes very well about this type of idea-actually a lot of what the book says is how she is currently living and succeeding. If you don't read her page, you should start. I'm just saying.

This song always makes me think of my son, along with a smattering of other videos played in the middle of the night when he was really, really new to the world and we would sit up together. Remembering the way he smelled and the sounds he made and the incredible feeling I had holding him and nursing sort of makes me want to cry even now. I know the song is about a relationship (I think) but the words brighter than sunshine ring true.
I care not a fig about the video, just wanted to post the song some how to share.
Went for a thirty minute walk which did wonders for my soul.

I started to write a whingey entry about how tired and sick and depressed I've been but instead:

Indonesian food is awesome, I will never attend culinary school though because I discovered how stressed out I get when cooking for others/with others that are judging. I thought it was simply stress of having people over or being at someone else's home (holidays) but instead it is the insane pressure I put on myself to cook perfectly. Certifiable.

I am still not 100% well but I am about to go for a walk anyway, I just ate so many biscuits + mashed potatoes + rotisserie chicken I am sick.

I'm sure I'll be inspired to post more after I walk a bit.

I keep forgetting I can answer comments easily now that I am using the hated IE (purely for that reason too, HELLO)but I just went back and did the most recent ones and will keep up with that. I enjoy comments so much! Thanks everyone!

I really need to get off the couch and go to the store on a lightening quick grocery trip before I drive off into the sun to go work. I am interning (of sorts) at the culinary school in our art institute today and am excited about it but dreading it too since it is from 11:30-10:30 tonight! That means no seeing the wee one or Husband for that matter and I am just flat out not used to working like that anymore. I remember the amazement when I got my first tech support job that I could come home from work and my feet didn't ache. That just seemed par for the course because all I had done before was work retail. Wish me luck!

Sort of a major self acceptance set back yesterday and I'm kicking myself for it. I'm up a pant size at my favorite stores and I refused to buy the bigger size because "I won't stay this size" which is diet thinking and absolutely ridiculous. I am kicking myself for not getting the bigger size. Argh.

PS Thanks Kada!

It is continuing to blow my mind that I can eat whatever I want and be happy with myself and my body and my life after the last several years being in such tense combat with my own biology.
I think the key to truly being able to be a "normal" eater again after dieting for a long time is not caring if you gain back some weight and genuinely accepting yourself. I won't lie, I'm not there 100% of the time but letting go of the control an the tension has been huge for me. Huge. I treat food a lot differently too, I eat bakery muffins with sugar on top and potato chips and honestly I've been drinking too often lately, and it all makes little difference in what I look like or how I feel. Huge change.
I can eat these things or have a drink because I know I can go and have more in five minutes if I really want it and 9 out of 10 times I don't want it, it is no longer forbidden. I thought I was immune to that psychobabble bullshit. Surprise.

I just had to roll to the side because I thought I might puke doing crunches and how un rock n roll would that be to aspirate because I want a stronger core?
I just had to burp, you can all breathe now.

I managed to take a deep breath and get over myself, or out of myself, however you'd like to phrase it. I'm not totally normal but I'm functioning. Cooked tilapia with ginger and brown sugar on it and had a rice pilaf with lentils and veggies in it. No workout but I showered and dressed and put make up on and felt pretty good about myself.
Progress.

I worked out on Monday as well but nothing since and I am sure that is related to the seeming depression I am sitting in, wondering how to get out yet again. I have no idea why I am such a highs and lows person but sometimes I really hate it-when I get to the high again I always think, "This is it! Whatever new plan or thing or whatever that I currently have started is the answer and now I'll be like this all the time! yay!"
Surprise surprise.
Regardless I do think giving up dieting was very mentally healthy for me but I am struggling with it just the last few days. Of course suffering temporarily with low self esteem again and lethargy and sleeping until almost noon (something I haven't done in years) is not helping one little bit and what is the first thing to do be doubted? Why food, my ability to be trusted around it and my so called will power. What a bunch of horse shit. I would say one of the worst habits that has come back is body checking-thinking about how my clothes fit, looking in the mirror, running my hand over my stomach many times a day-all very destructive and things I didn't even realize I did until I forced myself to stop doing them. Time to force again.
Food is completely unappealing to me lately, it has been hard to satisfy myself when nothing really sounds very good and I am reluctant to cook, something that usually brings me joy. I'm just in a rough spot but thought it might help to write about it, and it has-
workouts have been swell, I've been doing a lot of negative pushups (starting in plank and lowering evenly to the ground, coming back to plank and repeat over and over) and partial burpees, that's the only way I can explain it. Just the jumping portion coming out a crouch and back down to repeat (leaving out the push up part). That with squats and one set of various isolated exercises has left me all over sore and is extremely time efficient. I feel tired and fuzzy headed today and am resisting working out mentally so who knows.
I need to go grocery shopping and have no idea what I will buy since I don't want to make or eat anything. I'm not the only one in this house though.

I just completed about a thirty minute workout, five min cardio and then lifting and a little stretching/core stuff. This is the first time I have worked out since....hm, it has actually been so long I don't remember when it was-GASP! HORROR!
Today was my last final exam for my junior year, one more year to go and I am free as a bird in the meantime, at least until May 19th. I forsee lots of workouts and cooking experiments and sleeping, yay!
Leaving for Tulsa at about 5 oclock-I need to get showered and pack all three of our bags and load up the car with the luggage plus birthday and mother's day gifts, ack! I can do it, I decided taking the time out to make my body feel good again was worth it and it definitely was, my body is singing right now!
Only burned 285 calories, that's less than a third of what I was doing but that's okay-very little of that was cardio and I haven't moved around purposefully in so long I lost a lot of fitness. My heart rate shot up to the 160s on the basic level of the elliptical rather quickly, I look forward to regaining my endurance and strength.
Strength wise I did alright, not wonderfully but better than cardio-I do pick up a nearly 40 lb unwieldly toddler all the time and other household crap. Our dog weighs over 100 lbs and I hoist her into the car fairly often. I'm proud I can do that. Also I bought nearly $200 worth of groceries yesterday and was able to carry it all in taking only two trips, She-Rah!
Continue to love intuitive eating, really need to talk about in depth and I have a post started but had to save it when my son woke up earlier than expected. I haven't done so well stopping when I was comfortable the last few days but I screwed up with my BC pills and my hormones went all crazy and I was spotting and taking a nap everyday depsite sleeping a lot and...well I was just out of whack and I can see that. Today? No problems, I feel like a normal girl. I love being normal.

PS My mom and dad have both commented saying I must have definitely lost weight, I need to learn to say thank you instead of correcting them that I have actually gained and am perfectly okay with that. I guess I like to see their stunned expressions. My stomach is rarely if ever distended anymore and I think that's a big part of it-my shape seems to be redistributing back to my late teenage years, I have boobs and a butt again but not much stomach and my legs are thinner. I will always have thick legs, that is just my genetic buildup-not much definition in the cankle area but get this, I've lost almost an inch off my ankles. Bizarre.
Okay no time for more babbling, will check back in when we return and start posting with a vengence, free time woo hoo!

Argh. All I could think about earlier was how I would have a chance to workout today and I even mentally tried out what would feel best and decided on weights and a little cardio, elated at the idea. All I can think about is sleeping and so I am going to listen to my body but I am getting impatient. Damnit. And it is a beautiful day, all I can hope is that I will take a nap and wake up energized and ready to maybe do something fun outside with our son once I get him from school.
Got an A- on my research paper and am overjoyed about it, I actually dreamt that I got a D so this was very welcome. School is this.close to being out and I cannot wait!
Doing well on respecting my body and honoring my hunger in a positive way again now that my hormones are subsiding. Stupid hormones.

The last few days or so I've been feeling like my beautiful lie is crashing down around me. Never mind that for the past month I have felt phenomenal, looked the best I have in a long time, and been so much less stressed out and crappy feeling in general. All it took was maybe a day of wanting to stuff my face and experiencing exhaustion to make me doubt myself and my new found ability to trust my body. Guess what? I'm just bloated and hormonal and cramping and sleeping a whole lot extra...the way I am feeling is normal and will pass soon, hopefully any day now. With time I think I'll learn better ways to weather this kind of thing out instead of jumping to the conclusion that I'm rubbish and untrustworthy and destined to rip the seams on my trousers.
Another huge contributor to the way I'm feeling is only working out twice in the past month, that is just very un-Erin-y but I finally had to let something go in order to preserve my sanity and for a bit I even let cooking go and ate takeout several times a week. School just got INSANE for the past month as you can see from my lack of posting and I found out today that all my classmates have felt the same way for the past month. Thank goodness I chose to break loose from dieting and guilting myself over workouts at just the right time.
I'm headed to bed now even though it's not even 9 but I am so damned tired and am hopeful that I can ride my bike or whatever strikes me in the morning, I am so excited to workout again I can hardly stand it.
In summary: things are going well but my hormones make me crazy sometimes and school is almost out, yay team.

Busy studying for an exam in the morning-semester is almost over!
Just wanted to jot down that since ceasing to diet weird deposits of fat have left, for instance my knees are easily felt now, my calf muscles more defined-so much so that I wondered if something was wrong when I felt the buldge, nothing wrong just a clearly felt muscle. I have bigger boobs again and my stomach almost looks like pre-baby. My weight is up yet I can wear my smallest clothes-so many weird things going on that are totally fascinating to me and probably snoozeville to you, but I had to document it somewhere for my benefit and to explore further later.
Back to the GI system and it's diseases....(studying, not my own diseases).

Just found this while looking through my documents folder for research paper related things:

"The Other Side of Normal. I’m done with the other side of normal, the way I see it there is normal and then there is better and worse than, and for me dieting and the behavior and thoughts that go along with it are definitely on the worse side. I envision the better than normal side as being strong and muscular, a functional happy body that can do more than I ever imagined. I also see myself being semi-vegetarian, having a compost pile, recycling, and taking canvas bags to the grocery. Worse than normal obsesses about her body and its perceived flaws; she is weak and in mental anguish much of the time-worrying about how “bad” she was for eating that cookie once in the last few weeks or having those two celebratory drinks. Worse than is less than, and she knows it well. This is why she gets sick from stress, from pressure to be perfect, self esteem is low and dependent on the scale or a hoped for comment that never comes from people that have no idea it even matters to her."


I may have posted this when I wrote it back in April of 07 but I couldn't find it looking back. Interesting. It is always weird when I come across things I wrote and I don't remember doing it-easy to recognize my writing style though. I am so glad I am definitely on the better than normal side, or at least on my way.

I'm working on a research paper that is due wednesday that I've left until last minute. I was able to test my new found skills (listening to my own body) Saturday night and even did fairly well with it in regards to alcohol, something that at times (many times) has not been easy for me. I think I've braved all my old anxiety causing situations and come out unscathed.
Today I found out my dad is taking pills again and I am having a worse case of munchies than usual but nothing outrageous.
I am okay, I won't let him drag me down this time. It's nice to really like myself again.
I'll post as I'm able, I'm reading when I can, take care all you wonderful people.

If I keep waiting to post until I have the time/ability to type out everything that has gone though/is going through my mind it will never happen.
I believe so strongly in the idea of eating intuitively that I plan to not only do my senior seminar on it, but to also base my practice around it once I become a registered dietitian. This will be quite controversial in my school as the non diet approach is still not widely accepted in the dietetics community though it was briefly mentioned in the obesity/weight management chapter last semester. The professor said, 'some RDs have found great success with this method" barely explained, and then moved on to weighing, food tracking and calorie counting.
In the intense tidal wave of emotional revolution I experienced when finally getting it recently I wanted to behave like a zealot and convert anyone and everyone around me and to proclaim dieting to be harmful for everyone. I forget that not everyone stays on "a diet" for years at a time, spinning their wheels and getting further bogged down and lowering their self esteem. Some people don't seem to be negatively affected by this behavior (constant restriction, self flagellation, etc) but I must say I believe it is a smaller percentage.
Eating intuitively is not about abusing your body. If you think it means never making positive nutrition choices for yourself again or contiuing to binge without investigating what is triggering the abusive actions, please look further inward. I am not an expert at this point, I do not have all the answers, nor do I think you are a depraved lunatic if you prefer to count what you eat and rely on external cues to determine what and how much and when you eat. I do believe however, that learning to trust yourself, trust your body and trust your judgement is a crucial step in truly loving and accepting yourself. Do only what you can see yourself doing the rest of your life, happily.
I've gone through a bit of grieving over the way I've treated myself the last few years and even now it hurts inside, and it is startling how insidiously the damage was wrought. I am well versed on the science side of things, I never ate below 1200 kcals a day, I got lots of protein and vitamins, etc etc. I drank my water, I worked out like a machine, I turned away artery clogging "treats". The MENTAL aspect of holding rigid control, feeling low when it slipped, pushing, pushing always pushing, never happy with myself for long, never reaching the mythical perfection...it nearly broke me. I can see that now. I sat in our bed one night and just sobbed, so angry I did that to myself. The clinical symptoms related to semi starvation are me down to every last one of them, if not all, nearly so. Since letting go I no longer feel so angry or irritable or impatient or stretched so, pardon the word, thin.
Positive things came out of it, I learned to cook and to love doing so. I found a profession that I think I can use to be a positive influence on the world, especially women. I started this blog and met people that are amazing-strong, intelligent, funny women. I learned I love yoga and riding my bike and a host of other activities. Now I can move further towards the shiny happy end of the spectrum.

My little one is very sick, caught the cold my husband got that I think I have been fighting somewhere deep in the Land of the Forgotten Sinuse Passages (aka way up in my noggin' somewhere).
Did an hour of yoga the other night and felt great but have yet to do it again even though I have had the desire just because of my time constraints. Doing the clinical rotation thing wears me out though not as badly as before and I have projects all coming due, only a few weeks left in the semester. I've stopped beating myself up if I can't work out as much as I want to, I know I'll be waaaaay more active when things slow down a bit and I'll just do the best I can right now.
I've had some struggled lately with food and trusting myself to do the right thing and there's lots I need to explore on here but I just can't right now. My little guy just wants me to hold him and it is so pitiful-wish I could make him better. If I haven't mentioned it, thank you to everyone that has been commenting-I get so excited when I see someone left me a note, I wish I was better at responding immediately. Please reference time constraints and management issues.

eep! How do the days just fly by without real time for me to post anything? Tuesday and then again today I've been experiencing weird hot flash type fever feelings and my balance has been really out of whack, the floor feels like it is moving some times when I am just standing around, it really got bad when I was standing in the doorway of a patients room looking at his chart but I think I played it off. Tuesday I just got extra rest and felt pretty good yesterday, good enough to knock out 30 minutes on the elliptical last night (which did NOT squeak by the way, yay) and then it just hit me hard out of nowhere this afternoon. I had to skip out on the DD@ meeting (the local dietetic association)which disappoints me, my friends were all going, it was at the restaurant we had our rehearsal dinner at and dinner is free and two great speakers on diabetes were scheduled. I can't help feeling all crazy though and when I feel badly I just want to go home, I hate sitting somewhere feeling ill.
My son has just redecorated the entire living room floor with toys in an effort to get my attention and so once again, this is cut short. At least I got something out...

I'm back in Dallas and had a great weekend and feel happy. Lots to talk about but for now I have to do some last minute studying for my Foodservice mgmt exam this morning.

M@rla you may think your comment didn't add anything but it surely did and I wish I had the time to really think it out and respond but I will say something simple and rather controversial to some: I do think diets are disordered and the wrong way to go. Becoming a dietitian gives me a slightly different perspective on everything, notice I said different and not better. I kind of think it gives me even more to think about because I have to decide what I'll do with patients and clients and I can't with good conscious put them on a diet plan, even the most healthy wonderful plan tends to fail eventually because we are not made to live that way. I don't think nutrition should go totally out the window but artificial rules to govern such a naturally process can only work short term from what I have seen myself and what I have read. There is so much to say about this and you can trust I'll be saying it over the next...however long it takes to think it out.
I ordered a few books from Amazon, one of them being Intuitive Eating by two RD's (what I will be) that I had seen mentioned here and there on the web. I've only read a little bit but I like what I am seeing so far and have to say I agree. It is also great for me to read how they figured things out from a professional standpoint and I can say I am leaning more and more towards the same direction. I even asked my sister-in-law if she would be interested in setting up shop with me (she's a psychologist) to treat eating disorders and educate the public on nutritional and mental health, maybe teach cooking classes for low income folks, provide groceries etc. That would have to be way down the road, it usually takes a big org to do things like that, I don't know right now I am dreaming.
I felt trapped before, now the future is wide open.

LME, Thank you for sharing with me, once again I feel like I have support and received shared wisdom from keeping this blog and in "the real world" it doesn't always come so easily. I am happy to say I've made some genuine friends over the last few years but the great thing with a blog is really getting into some one else's thoughts, the things that maybe they won't say out loud. I don't think I'll announce to people out of the blue (which is my usual MO when I decide things or am trying something etc) that I have a problem caused by dieting and my personality type, and as a result I could end up feeling very isolated but I don't. Thanks to everyone out there silent or not.
I mirror checked a bit more than I would like yesterday. People that don't know might think it was vanity, admiration on a constant basis when in actuality it's checking your status, "Stomach flat enough?" no "Hips wide?" etc. I never realized I was doing exactly that, I mean I never felt like I had a laundry list of flaws but I can't lie and say it was really a positive thing either. I weighed myself yesterday. I don't think that weighing has to be an evil thing if you don't attach emotions to it, which is easier said than done. I didn't emotionally react yesterday so it wasn't necessarily a good thing to do in this early stage of healing but it wasn't terrible either. I wanted to weigh myself because my jeans pulled on over my hips with the button fastened and I've been eating whenever I want and whatever I want so I became very curious to see if I had lost weight. That was my big misstep, it doesn't matter if I've lost weight as that is no longer my focus-a small part of me cannot help but want to know since my behaviors feel so positive now, so WHAT DO I WEIGH?
Ack.
Went out to dinner, I wanted to see how eating mindfully would go in that setting. In the old days I would sort of dread going out even though we did all the time because I really enjoy it and yet I would wrestle with myself over what choice I would make and if I would order what I really wanted or not. I usually did not. I ordered exactly what I wanted and ended up eating only about an eighth of what I would have in the past, including an appetizer. I did not restrict myself I just ate slowly and paid attention to each bite and chewed a whole bunch. I have realized I didn't use to breathe when I was eating I went so fast. I am learning how to chew and breathe without choking. Wow.
I adore food, most dietitians do. I also adore cooking which not all of us do and I am so happy to have made friends with it again, and for good. I desperately want my friends and family to join me in my new found thinking and doing but I am displaying amazing maturity and patience (the last one is usually hard for me) in not trying to force things on anyone. Force seems harsh, I usually persuasively campaign. Haha.
We're going to the in laws this weekend and I am not apprehensive about food for once, I know I can trust myself to take care of my body now and I am working on the mind/soul aspect. I have also suggested we have a party the weekend after that and cook out and make margaritas in the fancy blender I got two Christmases ago, it has a drink spout and everything, only used it to make protein shakes. *I am making a face.
Onward!

PS Fell down while carrying my son yesterday to the car and jerked my shoulder something awful trying to protect him so we'll see what I can do workout wise-I wanted to do upper body today but I might do yoga, feels like a yoga kinda day.

My workout today will not break any records but I enjoyed it and I truly did it just because I wanted to, not to lose weight which is huge in my mind. I cannot express enough how wonderful I feel to be free of my disordered thinking. I've known for several years now that I had gone beyond innocently starting a diet but it has taken me a long time to admit it, and I still haven't said anything to anyone in person. I'm not sure if I will or when I will and part of that is because I think they would tell me, "You don't have an eating disorder" blah blah and that would drive me insane. Just because I haven't revealed half the shit that goes through my head and the things I do does not mean it is okay to try and make your SELF feel better about having a sick daughter/wife/friend/sister etc. I am getting better and I will continue to but I don't need anyone backing me in to a corner making me feel like I have to make a case for why I strongly feel that I went past diet, did not collect $200 and got myself a damned eating disorder. I don't want to classify things or defend things here either but trust me, reading detailed information about binge eating disorder, bullemia where the form of purging is restriction, and other things like EDNOS are me to a T for the most part. They didn't use to be, before I started WW I didn't do any of the sad, twisted up punishing things or have the negative thoughts about myself. I remember in high school filling out one of those surveys about self esteem and actually having to make up something I didn't like about myself just so I wouldn't be the well adjusted misfit. How funny in a completely non humorous way.
I have been able to drop 99% of the behaviors and thinking so far, I'm afraid it will try and come back but I'm going to fight it off no matter what. I keep telling myself I can eat anything I want and how much I want and it is working because I actually mean it this time. No fear of being fat, no pinching my flesh constantly, no daily weighing, no constant mirror checks, no feeling inferior in a group of skinnier women...I'm tired and I can't even think straight.
I am so happy that I am accepting myself and getting back to being me.
The elliptical started squeaking at 10 minutes this time, I battled it out until about 23 minutes stopping and starting a few times to try and spray WD40 on any joint I could find which did not help. It is driving me batty that I WANT to do cardio for the first time in my life, that I am finding it fun and the durn machine is going haywire. I also did lower body weights and instead of trying to kill the bottom half of my body to burn more calories and build muscle to burn more calories etc. I just did what I wanted to do and it was so freeing. I finished up with dancing.

22 minutes elliptical 300 calories burned: damn good workout on its own but I am especially happy about it since the machine started doing its ear piercing thing at 15 minutes this time instead of 20 and my son gave me trouble the entire time. I wanted to keep going so much but he just was NOT going to take a nap so I finally announced,"You can always do a second workout tonight if you want" and went inside. I was listening to him on the monitor and went and checked on him several times and had a talk with him each visit and then when I went back in for the third time the smell hit me as soon as I got past the door. "Did you have a poo poo?" "Yeah! I poo poo'd in my pull up!"
Son this is not something to be proud of, sigh.
So he is up and watching Thomas the Train movie for the 4th time today and I am cooling off before we both go get in the shower and go to the store. That should be fun with a non napping two year old but we are out of dish soap, salad fixings and I need more baking yeast to make more bread. The last batch came out poorly, at least in appearance so I re-read the recipe and saw it made a 2 lb loaf and mine is a 1 lber I believe. Woops. Also, the yeast was pretty old so I'm going to try again. I've had the bread machine for a few yrs now but rarely used it since fresh baked bread was a "weakness" for me. Fuck that.
Also made a workout mix for the first time today and was happily jamming away to that and still had plenty left to go, maybe tonight depending on how I feel. My mind keeps turning to doing a race or something, I'm not sure what I would do, even the elliptical aggravates my left knee but I know there is some thing I can do.

Some changes I'm making starting....now I suppose:
Plan out weekly menus but make it even more predictable than before-like chicken on certain nights, fish on certain nights, veggie meals, out to eat every Thursday-whatever. I know lots of people do this but I never have, and I wonder why I get stressed. For some reason I have it in my head that I have to come up with something new and exciting all the time but I'm willing to give this a go. Not to say it will be the same meals each time but at least I'll know what to plan off for each day.
When I said I was going to stop trying to lose weight I meant that, but of course I am not letting go of good nutrition.
I'm going to stop being so rigid with my workout schedules-I think this drives me away eventually so I'm just going to maybe think of a short list of things I can do each day and just pick one-I may even write them on paper and draw them out of a jar. Won't be a cookie jar since we don't have one of those, haha.
Just completed a good workout, which is amazing since I just sat here and realized my mind kept flashing back to wanting to do cardio so I finally got up, changed clothes and went out there and did it. I also ended up doing a complete upper body weights workout too, then came inside and added two sets with my elastic bands and the door stopper. It bugs me not having the assisted chin up machine at home, I feel like I get my back so much better in the gym so I'm going to start adding the lat pull downs with the bands on those days, maybe some more band exercises too.
Remember when my goal was to curl 20 lbs per arm for a full set? Well I started each curl set tonight with 19 lbs so I'm getting close. I had to knock it down some to complete the ten reps each time but it can't be that far away. I also went WAY up on the standing tricep extension, I can remember when I just used 6.5 lbs and tonight I used 21.5 (my dumbbells are weird, hence weird numbers). Using 70 lbs total now for the flyes on my bench, that's a definite improvement too, I wish I could get my back stronger but since I hate doing back sets that's a hindrance. Once again, wish I had the chin up machine at home, or hell let's dream big and say I wish I could do chin ups with NO assistance. Some day. I also did 22 minutes on our elliptical before getting really pissed off at the durn thing for squeaking loud enough to wake the neighbors no matter how many times I shot it with WD40. I can't figure it out but it is ear piercing and cramped my style big time. The idea when I got on there was to just go as long as I physically could because I have never done that. I always watch the clock tick by and it is torture or I'm doing intervals for a prescribed amount of time or whatever, this time I wanted to see how long I could go if I took away the head games and I surprised myself a bit. 20 minutes on our elliptical feels like an eternity most of the time but I know I could have kept going. At the gym the elliptical machines feel really easy and I can dance away on them forever but ours is much tougher-my husband says it is the stride, he doesn't like it as much as the gym ones but what do you expect for something I got on sale from Academy Sports? It gets the job done.
No calories burned listed because I could NOT find my HRM watch even though I was wearing the chest strap. Of course when I was putting the elastic band up I moved some clothes laying on the bed and there it was...sigh.
I'm going to be tracking my exercise in sparkpeople but not food. Being truly fit is my goal now, not being smaller.

I'm going in a whole 'nother direction after getting so blue the other night and reading various things around the net. I say it's a different direction but in reality it is one I've visited before, just didn't stick with it out of fear.
I'm talking about learning to trust myself to make good decisions and to respect myself more instead of punishing. It's amazing how little I am hungry or even think about food when it is not off limits.
I know I've said this before, several times in fact, and I may falter again but I am not 100% convinced that no longer trying to lose weight is the answer for me to be a happier person. If you know me at all you know that doesn't mean free for all crap eating and no activity-that's not me anymore so why do I think I can't be trusted and further more why have I been so afraid of gaining weight? Will it matter if I'm no longer this size, if I never get to a smaller one? Hell no it won't. I'm sorry I had a Spartan birthday out of misguided ideas but each day is a new one and here I go. I'm starting to realize why I had a pretty badass body in high school despite my serious lack of nutritional knowledge and lack of exercise-I didn't have disordered thinking like every other girl I knew. I didn't care what size I was or how much I weighed and I never restricted food-just ate what I wanted and only rarely overate-we were way too poor to go out to eat even weekly so even Burger King was a treat to me. When I got to an income comfortable enough to go out any time the mood struck it became a thing to take for granted and the overeating continued, just all the time instead of a rare thing. I didn't sleep much and worked on my feet and unloaded freight trucks-before that I walked a LOT without a car, played in the woods even before that and was always outside. My lifestyle was just totally different, I guess I was the opposite of what I hear about today (lower economic families being heavier, etc.) We didn't have chips or sodas or candy or any of that nonsense-no money for that. My mom served meat, two veggies and a slice of bread with margarine and we drank iced tea all the time that was barely sweetened. There you go-no breakfast either most of the time and when I started working I had to provide my own lunches (15 yrs old on).
I think I completely lost my train of thought but I don't want to read back through this.
I want salads and water and fruit and lean meats and fresh seafood etc etc etc. Stuff that added the extra weight is not my cup of tea anymore for the most part and I move my ass quite a bit more than I did when this whole thing started. It's time to focus on being happier and to stop trying to meet a ridiculous ideal. My health is excellent and I'm tired of being miserable for vanity's sake.

I think this is a record for me, I'm not sure how many posts total for the day but I know most of it was negative. I want to change the way I am feeling and thinking before I just spiral further downward-my mind is a powerful thing no matter which direction it goes.
The problem is when I get like this (which unfortunately is too often for my liking) I feel helpless and miserable and think things like, "why can't I just be happy or do other people deal with this like I do?" In reality I know that at least I have long stretches where I am okay and others have it much, much worse. Hard to keep that in mind when I am dealing with things but I know it to be true.
My gut is telling me I need to baby this leg until I am sure it is okay, it may feel fine in the morning but I tweaked it pretty badly. Step ups at the gym are doable, not on my bench at home apparently, it is just too high and my hip flexors are too tight. I should have listened to my body when it told me that but I just kept going-trying to "save" my crappy day. I felt like I was failing myself by missing my workout and so I pushed it and ended up possibly knocking my ability out for several days. Hopefully it won't be that bad, I have to think positively.
I had a mindless eating problem for a few hrs today, just kept putting empty calories in my mouth and then a bunch of a cheese/prosciutto/basil roll on top of the high sodium lunch I had when I wasn't even hungry. Not horrible in the big scheme of things but not good-I could tell I felt weird and I can now identify when I am having a day like this that usually manifests in food abuse but I still don't know how to combat it.
Possible ideas: Go do something that engages my mind completely that doesn't involve food, not sure what this would be but I think it would be a good idea. The proximity defense regarding food and also maybe it would lift my crazy mood.
Okay that's really all I can think of right now-I really don't know what else I could do-my husband tells me to think of all the good things I have which just makes me feel worse like I am ungrateful or broken. I can't control these feelings coming on and awareness in that moment of all the things I have that I seem to be not appreciating is not helpful.
I may wake up tomorrow and feel fine, I never know how it will go. I'll reassess as far as workouts go when I see how my leg is doing then.

Oh man, I'm sitting here icing my right quad after sucking it up and going out to the garage to try and workout after all. I was anticipating coming back here and writing that I did it despite craziness going through my head all day and now I am just disappointed. At least I tried.
Tonight's really abbreviated workout: 150 calories burned.

After riding high on optimism for days now I am really struggling today, I think it all tracks back to my energy levels and how I am exhausted most of the time by existing in a constant state of stress. Inner voices right now are urging me to eat something terrible tonight and to have a drink or two or three...weird how I can feel on top of the world for days on end and then get really tired or have a crappy day and I sink down into the swamp.
I wanted to write this because it is not all roses or easy even when it seems like it is-I doubt I'll get in my legs workout today, I feel really OFF physically, not sure how to put it-like I'm on another planet. This is not entirely new, this happens to me periodically and I think the ability to climb back on the proverbial horse is the important thing here. I hate the idea that I fought my way through the weekend and felt really proud of that and now I am failing and I don't have a strong desire to stop the damage.

I did it. I effectively maintained over my birthday weekend while eating away from home three times and attending two major sporting events, usually death traps for weight loss. I'm up a few ounces but I will definitely take that, this is the first weekend in a long time that I haven't been up a good bit, bloated and fighting my way back down. On top of that a major excuse zone (birthday) and I am feeling pretty pleased.
In two weekends we go to Tulsa for Easter and that will be a major challenge. I would like to be 150 or lower by then but we will see if that happens. Either way I'm sticking with my workouts and good eating. Before we leave I'll make up a game plan and post that here, I know there are plenty of others out there that have to deal with well meaning (we hope) saboteurs to our healthy lifestyles. Drinking will be the main thing that will be hard to resist without rocking the boat. It's my choice and my body and my life though in the end.
Legs today with 30 min cardio-if I can't do it during the day I'll hit our garage "gym" as soon as my Husband gets home.

I haven't been back on here because today is my birthday and we've been busy all weekend.
First off, M@rla I really appreciate the encouragement, to hear my efforts are impressive from someone that impresses me always makes my day.
On the workout front, I sort of took Friday as a rest day (after legs on Thursday which are still a teeny bit sore today) though I did some housework like vacuuming the whole house and laundry and just stuff that had me on my feet quite a bit. Nothing major though but I was so worn out by bedtime that I was delirious and laughing at anything and everything. Saturday I drove to my campus gym which was a first for me, I've never gone up there just to workout without having something else to do school related. Did the same upper body workout from last Tuesday but of course increased the weight or reduced the assistance where applicable (chin ups and dips). I was pretty impressed with the progress I made in that area but it just makes sense that I should be able to do better each time on that since my own body weight is decreasing and I am getting stronger. If there is less of me I of course need less assistance to do these exercises. Regardless, I improved on pretty much everything but it was irritating they don't have in between dumbbells, only 5 lb increments. I really need 17.5s to do the dumbbell bench press but they don't have that and the 20s were too much after the three sets of chin ups. I'm pretty sure I could do the 20s if I was starting fresh instead of already fatigued a bit.
Today I walked for an hour again. Yes, on my birthday-I felt it was a good way to start a new year for me and I said I wanted to do it Saturday so I made sure to follow through even though my husband and son were napping and we had a great brunch just a bit earlier. As far as eating goes which is usually terrible on my birthday weekends I did really well, didn't even have a whole drink despite many many opportunities and ate very little food "off" program and I don't feel deprived by that whatsoever. I had bites of high calorie foods but stuck to good for me stuff almost entirely. No more back tracking for me damnit.
On calories burned: Saturday's workout:680 and today's walk around 500 again but I had to throw some brief running in to the walk to get that number. I wanted to mention that, after only one rotation of my workouts I improved enough in a cardiovascular sense that even though I felt that I pushed and I raised the weights on pretty much everything I burned fewer calories. So: good-I am more efficient already (amazing!) and boo-I burn fewer calories and have to step it up even MORE. ARGH! I think one reason I burned higher numbers last week was the extra fluid I was toting around that I sloughed off and just jumping back into hard workouts after comparative non-activity.
Something I am doing differently this time around and forever as far as I am concerned is drinking a post workout shake on weight lifting days-equal carbs and protein within an hour after my workout. I have noticed a difference in a very short time period and am excited to see what is in store for me.
Right after I posted about the scale I woke up 2 lbs lighter and have no idea where I'm at lb. or BF % either one at this point.

I'm a smart gal, a realist most of the time and have quite a bit of knowledge stowed away regarding nutrition and fitness. This does not stop me from being a tiiiiiny bit unhappy that I am working out hardcore and eating well and not showing a loss after three days (I did two workouts on two of those days so in my mind I keep wanting to convert that to 5 workouts). This is ridiculous, the scale is not a good reflection and I am aware of that and trust me this does not make me want to derail or anything negative. It just bugs me that I am finally kicking it into gear again and "nothing" is happening. I haven't taken measurements or anything like that and a few days is not generally enough to feel a difference in my clothes but it is just irritating. Perhaps this is just how it goes when you workout a lot and eat modestly, my super hero friend M@rla may suffer from this as the damned scale was not a friend despite honest hard work towards weight loss. I do see the numbers fall if I do daily walks and have a really tight reign on calories and sodium but which would I choose: muscles and a tighter body though not a lower number on the scale or little muscle and a flat ass. Really, it's not even a choice but an easy path to see.
Today is supposed to be a walk or yoga day, I gotta get some type of recovery level calorie burning in but I just don't know where that fits-there's tons of snow outside and my schedule at school does not allow a visit to the gym there. I gotta do SOMEthing, maybe I'll handwash the kitchen floor and other things like that. While wearing my HRM of course, I am a nerd after all.

As of this morning: 154.6 lbs, 33% BF, 47.5 on hydration. I've been at 32% BF (at a 48 hydration) for so damn long I want that to drop, forget the weight number. If the weight stays exactly the same and the BF goes down I will dance a jig in the street. On a positive note though, the fancy pants scale at the Plano hospital I've seen some clients at showed me to be about 65% muscle. That was about twice the amount of the other student I was working with, not that I am sitting around comparing myself to her but it was a good feeling to hear that number. Hopefully I can check that again after I continue on my workout schedule for a couple months.
Oh yeah back to the snow, this is Texas. We just don't.do.snow. Actually as far as I'm concerned snow is great but ice is not and while I may drive safely the other people do not, especially idiots in non 4 wheel drive pickups with no weight put in the bed. Fishtail anyone? I wish I had time to really bundle up and go across the street to play in the park.

Tuesday's Workout:
800 kcal burned
ABABAB (so 3 sets)
CDCDCD
EFEFEF format
AB-assisted pullups/dumbbell bench press
CD-assisted dips/dumbbell curls
EF-dumbbell standing shoulder press/dumbbell Yate's Row
30 min cardio

I am STILL sore but not in a hurt something way, just in a kicked my own ass kind of way.

Wednesday's Workout:
500 kcal burned
60 minute walk at quick pace thru park across the street which tends to be fairly hilly. No hard cardio as I don't want to hamper recovery, I am seriously sore this is not me taking it easy, and besides walking that much wasn't necessarily easy either.

Today's Workout:
730 kcal burned
ABABAB
CDCDCD
EC
format again, this time leg day.
AB-step ups/dumbbell deadlifts (one set of walking lunges then switched to step ups)
CD-calf raise/leg press
E-hamstring curl
Then another set of calf raises since I went way to easy on the weight starting out.
30 min cardio.
I feel like I am leaving something out, whether I am or not my legs are telling me I didn't REALLY leave anything out.
The men in the gym really started pissing me off, I'm not looking in the mirror to admire myself jackass-I'm watching my knees to make sure I stay straight coming back up in the dead lift and I really don't appreciate you standing directly in front of my reflection when the entire rest of the place is empty. It almost seemed like they did it on purpose, I can always tell the guys in the weight area (at least at the uni gym) are used to dominating the free weights area. By dominating I mean they merely exist in greater numbers than the females, not that they are actually showing anything great, standing around and sitting on the benches reading magazines seemed to be the order of today. I don't think I am better than anyone by any means but there blatant disregard of me and my efforts was completely uncool.
On the nutr front I'm avoiding starchy carbs in my last two mini meals of the day-opting for a lean protein and lots of veggies and maybe a little grapefruit. This just started Tuesday so too soon to really examine results but I am feeling good about it and myself in general. I'm still really tired, I'm still pressed for time but I'm working out and going full out. I hope that if I can push through the constant fatigue I can gain some energy. My main problems are the life of a student in my program is extremely sedentary by nature and I have finally realized I don't sleep deeply enough, the only time I really feel rested is if I take a sleep aid so I don't wake up over and over. So, gotta work on these things but I feel that I am now.
Oh, I'm also taking Claritin daily along with a women's multi and B complex and starting fish oil. Fish oil is one of the few supps that my profession approves of and the rest of it? I've examined the multi and even if it is useless I can afford it and the iron at least should help. I have indents halfway through my fingernails right now and am prone to iron deficiency bordering on anemia but I don't believe I need an iron supp at this point. M@rla has really helped me through reading her own experiences to see that I too react really badly to allergens in the air and so taking the Claritin daily is helping with that as well.
Hope all is well for everyone, just had to update even if it's mainly stats and not too deep. It's been so infrequent I actually had to redo my login to post. Yikes.

Today I am refocused and ready to go, yesterday was a real struggle, I ate to the point of wanting to barf AGAIN after just doing that the night before.
Anyway, I am dressed for the gym and will be hitting it after class for upper body weights and 30 minutes cardio. Wednesday...I'll have to think about that-don't want to slow recovery down but I am thinking 60 minutes yoga and then Thursday I'll do lower body and 30 minutes cardio. Friday...busy schedule so maybe just a walk.
Back later, toddler is throwing his body against the wall.

Life is just really getting in my way right now. I wanted to say thank you to everyone that stopped by and left a comment and anyone out there that doesn't comment but stops by anyway (as long as you don't come here to insult me through the monitor). It always blows me away when people (you guys) leave me a comment because you're all engaging wonderful writers and I get a little star struck. This may seem weird but I am socially awkward. Ahem.
Lifted weights again for the first time in several weeks. I've not been inactive mind you (except for during the numerous bouts of sickness I endure on a regular basis)but I've been focusing on yoga rather than free weights and now my interest in weight lifting is peaking once more. I don't want to do AWAY with yoga though, I truly love it and think it is amazing but I have a hard time fitting in both, my mindset wars between the two and for some reason it's like getting a cat and dog to live in harmony with each other. The cat stretches gracefully on the back of the couch and the dog lumbers into the glass sliding door and both are enjoyable. My cat and dog DO live quite well with each other so I know I can get there.
Something else I've concluded is that trying to force myself to adhere to the same activity, sometimes even for a few days at a time, is a losing battle. I embrace change, I crave it and feel stifled when forced into monotony. Some would call it being fickle or flighty but this is just the way I am wired. I am not the person that leaves their home decorated the same way for years, you will not find pictures with the same hairstyle for maybe more than a few months period at a time and the way I dress used to change on a daily basis but now goes more on a few month to a year cycle. I like variety in all things, my ideal would be to swim one day, rock climb another, bike ride and play raquetball, weight train and do yoga, kayak-you name it but different all the time. This is also why being vegetarian did not work for me. I hate being locked into a box and while I know I can enjoy it in cycles the idea of something being forbidden to me for the rest of my life chaps my ass. I lasted two months before succumbing to a turkey sandwich and then I had the best spicy chicken sandwich combo from Wendy's of my life. I was literally giddy to be eating it which is funny since it has no lie, been years since going through a drive thru establishment. I am well aware you can have quite a variety in vegetarian dishes but in order to do that I was putting in a lot of time I just don't have at this point. I know I'll cycle back around to eating veggie and obsessing over yoga but for now I'm back in a meat eating (within reason) and weight lifting phase.
I'd be a lot happier if I would just stop trying to force my square peg self into round holes.

LME, thanks for the kind words, it has been quite a few past days, let me tell you. You have to let me tell you because it's my blog. Ahem. Stress mounted up big time with projects and programs that didn't save my work despite my repeated clicking of the save button and then Friday....Friday I got seriously ill, had to jump up in the middle of a guest lecture and oh the details of woe I could relate but I'll just let you know I left school without even telling any professors, crawled in to bed shaking, skin hurting, and commenced to being sick up until today with a violent stomach virus that left me six lbs lighter in only about three days. Not good people. Saturday night was hell, oh man, but last time I had this I ended up in the hospital (I am not a good little puker/pooper, I take it to the extreme apparently) and so this time getting to stay in my own bed was a bonus. I missed essentially three days of class though so that is big time boo hiss.
Tomorrow is my first day of ambulatory care, and what that means is I meet with a client (rather than patient in the hospital) and do a 45 minute counseling session with her. This is cool but scary considering I've never done that before and I'm graded. Bah, whatever, anything is better than what I've dealt with lately.
I've barely been able to eat and walk so just cleaning house today a bit was a big improvement, anxiously awaiting getting back to yoga etc.
PS I ate several turkey sandwiches, the only thing that would do. More on that later.

Today was so horrible I thought it would surely do me in, and I am not even coming at you from a dieting perspective, I refer to sanity itself.
I'm not going to detail things out, I just get worked up all over again but I am going to go fall into an exhausted sleep in order to trudge through one more day.
I desperately want to work out and to eat nice food and yet I am dealing with migraines from stress and eating nothing but nutrition bars (I had 3 of them today, NO NO NO) and I just want time to be well and to feel good and...
BAH
It is extremely helpful to read about others carrying on though so please do just that and when I have a spare moment to do the ol' inhale/exhale thingie I'll be reading.
Have not succeeded in doing yoga three hrs a week since I started striving for that, only 2 hrs a week for the last several but that is better than nothing and I've been battling fatigue that usually sends me into a full blow sick episode. I'm holding on and the last of the creamy southwestern ranch dip is gone.

The End.

Kada! Yes please send me recipes, any time, all the time. *grin

Beyond exhausted, spent the weekend in Houston (Texas for those not in the know) and had a blast. Must update with details when possible.
For now I am done with homework and ready to fall in to bed, the plan is to be up before sunrise in order to do yoga and ride the train to school.
Damn I am tired.
I'm going now or I'll just repeat variations of how tired I am and even though I'm sure that would be endlessly entertaining, I gotta save something for tomorrow.

Still around and will try to stop in tonight-right now I am supposedly studying for an exam that I have at ten.

Good plan? No, but I'll pull it off and learn from my semi-idiocy and do better next time. Still doing yoga, still eating vegetarian, still scheduled to the hilt. Made another great recipe out of the Moosewood cookbook, I'll definitely post about those later.