I ordered a neti pot and it arrived Saturday, but for some reason I felt overwhelmed with the idea of mixing things and pouring it through my nostrils. Tonight I dug down for a bigger set of balls (metaphorically) and did it and I feel great! I think I've gone around with partially obstructed passages and mucus in my throat pretty much all the time and just thought that was normal. Apparently it's not and you feel way better if you get rid of it. Let's say I am feeling extremely optimistic that I will rest better and not get sick as often as I tend to do. At least four or five doctors have told me my issues stem from allergies and that Dallas is one of the top allergen centers of the country so I have to take meds every day or just deal with it. Perhaps some natural medicine can do the trick, please, please, please.
I now have the use of my arms, at least partially. What a weird statement, eh? Well my husband and I played an hour or more of racquetball yesterday and if you've never experienced this particular game, it is an ass kicking workout. I used to play my own modified version of it at home with a tennis racket, bouncing a tennis ball against the back wall of the house and keeping it going was the objective. I did that all the time when I was much younger, maybe 12-15 yrs ago. So let's just all assume I got my ass handed to me and am sore in places I didn't know existed. My right arm in particular has been pretty much useless all day, like the Wii arm you hear about but I actually played a sport instead of a video game. (not that I am against the gaming system, anything that gets people active is great) We had so much fun and it was a great workout that just felt like play time. I can't wait to do it again.
Speaking of playing again, I'll probably play solo several times a week now that my class schedule is shifting and I'm familiar with the gym. It's gorgeous, only about a year or two old with all these nifty features I've never had the privilege of using. I will be trying a guided nordic track treadmill class with hills and sprinting, heavy bag cardio class, and a fused yoga pilates class-though that one may be harder to get to. There's a staircase you can run and then it has a track that goes down you can walk instead of running back downstairs-hard to explain but way cool. Well equipped free weights area that I'll definitely be taking advantage of, individual lcd screen tv's on the cardio machines, an indoor rock climbing facility, lap pool, outdoor lounge area pool that's shallow and you can just hang out-waterfalls and such. We both have memberships for $10/month because of Husband's employment at the university. Not bragging, just super excited. I've never been part of something like this, it's like fitness heaven. The showers even have the little bench enclosed with the stall but out of the water area so you can put your stuff down there without it getting wet. My new class will be over by 11:30 and I can just cruise over there before picking up the young'un.
It will probably be another week before I tackle the classes, we shall see. Two more exams and anatomy I is over.

PS Live Free Die Hard was the most fun, exciting movie I've seen in a long time. Obviously it's an action flick, but I'd say it's the best one in quite a while.

Kada honey, I can't comment on your page-in firefox I've always had a problem so I open IE briefly, just for you and Dynamo, but now I can't even get to the comments link in IE.
So, I'll just say here, proud of you for taking steps to better your life(psyche) and I think you should focus on the positive steps you are taking and I am your friend, even if I'm just on the Internet, way over here in Texas. Email me anytime.

Comments from the posts before the new one have been answered IN the comments again. love!

Yesterday was my husband's thirtieth birthday and we went to dinner and a movie. Sounds lame for childless folks but we never get to go to movies anymore and dinner is sometimes spent with bated breath hoping the tired toddler will not erupt. Not to be misleading, our Boy is actually a very good dinner guest most of the time, but the times he is not...yeah. Pictured here is our appetizer, a dragon roll.

It even has ears or something and it tasted lovely. The place was sort of Asian fusion I suppose...I had macadameia nut encrusted chicken with a miso cream sauce and papaya relish, white cheddar mashed potatoes and wok tossed veggies. Unbelievably good, and I asked for the cream sauce on the side and just forked a little out on the chicken. It went along with eating for health and I enjoyed it. The veggies were insanely tasty and made me want one at home but Im sure they add something to make it awesome. The place was called Khona Grill (I believe) and had these cool umbrella lights hanging from the ceiling, very flattering glow, *wink.

We then went to see the F@ntastic F0ur movie and I am not trying to detract from Jessic@ Alb@, but she was painfully thin and looked so fragile. She looked absolutely beautiful, don't misunderstand, but very barbie doll like and like she could fall threw a sewer grate. Great movie though, but only if you like comic book movies, which I do.
And here is my outfit for the birthday night:
Those heels are about four inches (and zebra print) but I managed to walk around quite a bit, and if I took off my shoes during the movie and massaged the bottoms a bit, no one is the wiser. You can't really see if well but the top is corset style and has ribbons pulled tight under the bust and tied. The skirt I just bought and am in love, it swings when I walk and is lined so it feels very twirly. I also just got the green leather bag and I'm super happy about it all, I finally visited TJ M@xx and got all this great stuff for wonderful prices.
I need to post about how things are going, it feels magical, and effortless, and I feel like, "Why did I not figure this out a long time ago?"

Good Lord I am sore. I finally got a lifting session in Friday, and thought maybe something was wrong because it only took me thirty minutes, but in reality I worked harder than I usually do. I burned 330 calories in around 33 minutes and what I had considered a good workout was 400 something in 45 to an hr, so you do the math because it is too early.
We then went to some friends' for the day yesterday and I spent the day running after wee ones and swimming. I actually swam instead of standing in the water like everyone else and I think I got some decent activity in and it felt good to glide through the water and to spin in circles.
I now feel sure I have hit upon what clicks in MY brain. I would still eat badly or drink when it was geared towards not getting fat again. I knew that in reality doing that here and there or even a little each week would only be a temporary blip on the weight loss radar, yet when I approach every single thing I do with the question of, "would my body like this, am I taking care of my good friend that makes life worth living?" I don't eat badly at all or have the desire to. It may be just calling it a different name but I don't think so. Knowing how the body truly works (I've taken a LOT of biology courses now) has changed how I view the wonder that is the human body completely. It is an absolutely amazing machine and I am not abusing it anymore.
I think this new nerve med is working and I am so excited that I might feel like a normal woman again. It is also much more friendly than the previous med that I wasted time with, when I first wake up I feel completely put under, but if I get up and get moving, no problem really.
So two workouts, eating is going well, freaky woman troubles under control or at least on their way: life is good.

I'm a thinker. Sometimes it takes me awhile to puzzle out the truth behind all the muck I have to wade through, you know, with all that thinking I do. Ha! Anyway, I decided that dieting was the big evil boogity boo that made me feel bad, but in reality I think following a food plan with the intent of being thin, rather than healthy like I told myself, was the problem. Don't get me wrong, I never did unhealthy things like taking pills or starving myself or whatever, but bottom line is when I ate my 4-5 serves of veggies and limited simple carbs like bread or chips or whatever, it was with my weight and appearance in mind. Being healthy was sort of a side effect, and yes something I celebrated. Here's the thing, I feel at peace since my wake up of my father in law's health scare/disaster. Update on that: he is now getting an angiogram on his heart because it looks all wonky and is leaking fluid. Take care of yourself people, skinny or fat! It sucks all the way around that it took this to slap me in the face, but sometimes that is the way it works. So I am truly asking myself in every situation I run into, whether it's fixing lunch, getting enough sleep, or taking stairs instead of the wheelchair ramp, if it is the best choice for my body and health. My wonderful father in law was one of those people that carried a lot of weight around the middle but lost a ton of it by simply eating canned soups for lunch instead of going out to eat everyday, though they still ate out at night most of the time. Being a man (bastard, KIDDING) he lost weight and kept on eating donuts and bullshit left and right, because HEY not fat over here so who cares about veggies? So anyway, now I am focusing on health and my body size and weight will be the side effect. A variation on the live as the person you want to be kind of thing. If I live as a healthy person, I should reflect that choice and if I never get to a smaller size, so be it.
I may post what I eat here and there because I think I do need accountability and a food plan (somewhat) if I want to truly take the best care of myself that I can. If that bores anyone, please look away.
And further more, when I go to the in laws' various functions, they can stuff it when they hassle me about what I eat. I am going to simply tell them, "This is the choice I am making for myself and it has not reflection on any choice any one else makes, so please let me be." If all hell breaks loose, so be it, and of course I'll run back and tell you about it. Ha!
Damn, I'm tired with all the thinking. No, if that were true I'd be exhausted all the time because I do seem to yammer incessantly, even if it is to myself a lot of the time.
I wanted to lift today but I started a new med (for my nerve pain issues) and I can tell it will be better than the last one that I took myself off of, but it is kicking my ass right now in the adjustment period. I also got my period, SEGUE! So, there you go...want to get back to regular exercise, it's part of who I am now, but I may just need to be patient with getting used to this.

Note: I answered comments IN the comments this time. Just fyi. More later...

Found out late last night that my father in law (technically his step-dad but we count him more than the natural one) has diabetes, his blood sugar was 320!!! and one of his kidneys had completely atrophied. More news this morning, not only completely atrophied but covered with cysts and the other kidney is infected and has a stone so large it will have to be removed surgically. I did not sleep well.
What a wake up call to quit being silly and to take are of myself and my family and to be true to what I believe in rather than pursuing this half assed notion of being "normal" again. Fuck being normal, I think I'd rather be an abnormal health nut.

Alright the insanity has to stop some time right? I ate so much macaroni n' cheese today that I am having severe stomach cramps. I think I forgot to mention that this was not out of the box, powdery orange pasta type stuff-this was made by a chef and I am sure is full of cream, buttery, and lots of full fat cheese. Delicious but I felt sick as soon as I went back and scooped two more portions out on my plate, then proceeded to scarf it all even though my body started fussin' about halfway through. This is leftover from my husband's birthday weekend and is also accompanied by sausage lasagna made by the same lady. I am not touching another morsel, mark my words. Not because I am not good enough to eat it, not because it will make me gain weight back, no...because it is literally too rich to eat much of it. My goodness. And the thing that makes me mad is I was fully aware the whole time what I was doing was not a good choice and I did it anyway. I have a history of that-drinking too much, foolin' around with ne'er do wells, taking illegal substances in my younger days...bah. And the thing is, enjoyable while it is going on but hell to pay afterwards and I DO mean it when I say, "never again" but somehow never gets twisted to, "maybe just once more."
I am feeling sluglike, I am not feeling like myself and I don't know how to get back to that girl. Any "action plan" I form vaguely in my head doesn't come to fruition. It's close to 100 degrees outside and extremely humid, and I can stand out in the sun for a few minutes before declaring to myself that I am meeeelllllting. I hate Texas summers. The end.
So to get back on track I need to workout everyday and I need to cook a lot more and have stuff readily made that is not mac n' lard or heart attack lasagna. Bah.

Life is hectic right now, I'll write more when I can.

Wow! Thank you so much for the beyond nice comments on my picture. That is something else I've been thinking about, I think most women (at least those that I know) are not happy with photographs of themselves, but do we really put any effort into trying to change that? What I mean is I think if you take different shots of your self, especially your face, you can figure out what angles. etc. look best but I for one have always felt too self conscious to do so. It's that fear I've mentioned before of seeming to be full of myself or like I am "bragging", the same fear that keeps me from truly being proud of all the things I've accomplished. Truth is others may think just that, that I'm a braggert, etc. if I take ownership of things that I SHOULD be proud of or that I should at least acknowledge, but that doesn't matter. What does matter is I am kinder to myself, that I am not afraid of being strong or "too much" sometimes, because in reality that is who I am and the greater crime is how I tend to "dumb down" in so many aspects to be accepted. I have punished myself needlessly trying for this physical ideal, thinking then I could be fearlessly outspoken on fitness/nutritional topics for example. People look at me as if I must be talking out of my ass because I'm not a size 2 or they see me eating cheese fries and drinking beer. I have enough self imposed perfectionism and I don't need anyone else's, thank you. I see some pictures of myself and like them, but more often I hate the face I am making or the angle or you name it and I think if I will quit being afraid of so-called self absorption, and take steps to make friends with the camera, then more times than not I can be happy with what I see. Models spend years perfecting posing, etc. and yet the average woman thinks something is wrong with her if the image in the photograph isn't a great one.
Our outsides are just a facet of who we are, but it doesn't necessarily have to mean we are vapid or silly for learning to put our best foot forward.
I feel like I'm not communicating properly but I don't think I'll hit the backspace and erase it all.
Once again, your comments really made my day and made me look at myself in a different perspective, I plan on posting more pictures of myself, my family and the people and places I live with/around while I explore who I am further.

Just so you can put a face to my babbling. My mom and I laid on the couches in the living room and made silly faces and took self portraits. I look tan. I am not.

Being sick is no fun to talk about and even less fun to deal with, but today I seem to be on my way finally to being better. I ALMOST slept through the night last night and have only coughed periodically today. Normal daily activity (which for me is quite a lot being a mom and student, etc) is completely wiping me out so no workouts yet though I am itching to get back to it. We're discussing muscle in my anatomy class and I found myself daydreaming during lecture about really busting ass-knowing the science behind stuff really allows my inner geek to blossom.
I've been doing great on body image and self acceptance, eating "normally" etc. but I'm getting some anxiety about this weekend, having to wear a bathing suit in front of Hubby's snotty friends and critical family. Meh. The thing is if I really examine this anxiety there's not much to base it on...they may notice I'm squishier and then guess what...they'll immediately move on to something else. They DON'T CARE, I project that on to them I think. What a waste of time, maybe I should be worrying more about what cool stuff I can talk about, though I hate to admit these aren't exactly intellectuals I'll be dealing with...
So I'm flabby from not working out and being sick and now I'm plunging head first into a Weekend of Food and Drinking, I'll not be refusing anything but I will be ONLY eating as much as I want of what I want and the food pushers can kiss my newly rounded ass.

Having a fabulous time, surprise surprise there is internet access here (wasn't last time I was here) and I am pretty dang sick but I plan on burning that out with some Crown Royal later, ha!
Had an awesome breakfast burrito at Joe's Deli in Vail Village this morning, the sun is shining and its a balmy 50 degrees. Heaven to this heat sensitive Texan. I've taken tons of pictures but did not bring a usb cable or my flash drive cause I thought I would be netless. Le sigh.
Love to all.

I don't comment on your blogs as often as I should, I feel inadequate at best when I am really struck by something you post. All of you. Marla, many of your posts really strike a cord with me and yet I'm not sure what to say that would be of any worth to the already lovely writing. The post about food pushing especially hit me but I have yet to say anything. And my inspiring Seattle friend Dynamo360, your thinking posts, well they make me think. Ha! So like my own posting, I will strive to stop being frozen from commenting because I DO want you to know I think you rock.
Hamstring is fine now but I started getting miserably sick last night. I feel like the highest frequency germ factory on the planet. Not the ILLEST person by any means as there are so many people dealing with seriously gnarly stuff, but I have persistent crappy colds, allergies, fatigue, etc. I blame Texas. Only half joking here.
Had fucked up dreams last night that I woke up and we were already in Vail and I totally did not remember the flight or the drive which led to panicking wondering if I had drank or taken something. And the mountains were more like molehills and I was so disappointed that I had finally gotten a chance to share them with my mom and then the betrayed me by being hills, and my dad was there with my brother (parents are recently divorced) and there was a repair dude named Clovis working on the water line? He looked like Morgan Freeman.
My throat is super swollen, my voice is hoarse and I feel all woozy. Perfect to go to a high altitude! I told my mom it would be in the 20s at night and she freaked! "Where are you taking me??" haha.
Huge day ahead of me, gotta finish the packing of the suitcase and then get to school then rush to my moms, eat and pick her up and then start the hellish process that is the airport. I hate airports, all of the check points and toll booths and what have you give me extreme anxiety.
Still not dieting, don't think I ever will again. THAT gives me peace.

Twanged my left hamstring while lifting-was using light weights(been off the rails for almost 3 weeks so was not able to lift as much, *pout) and being very careful with form.
Meh.
Icing now and will elevate later, hopefully it heals before my damn MOUNTAIN VACATION. Argh, all that lovely hiking.

I've noticed I am avoiding writing anything anywhere on the 'net 'cause I am overwhelmed with wanting it to be perfect. I've got to stop that or I'll never post anything and will just fade away with words flying around my brain.
What I meant by I would rather people notice me or even admire me for what I achieve rather than what size my pants happen to be. That is such a fleeting, unimportant "achievement", if you think about people that are famous for academics, art, literature, etc. their appearances are not the first thing that comes to mind. Yes, I am sure they are commented on by someone, somewhere considering the humanity wide obsession with looks (or is that just Americans? ha!), but if you invited them to your mid-week soirée to partake of some fine Sam's Club red wine and a cheese tray, they damn sure would have something interesting to talk about. I am an interesting person, I am not delusional or filled with self loathing, but quite frankly when you are in "diet" mode it does consume your thoughts and quite a bit of time. I've explored the idea lately of what happens if I try and stop losing weight, drink some beer, even get a good bit bloated. Guess what? NOTHING. Nothing except some fun materialized and a short term vacation from my own mental weirdness. I'm struggling with self acceptance because I am also a big believer in being the best possible version of one's self and to strive for self improvement. Here's the kicker and why self acceptance needs to happen: I have changed into a person that enjoys nutritious healthy foods and regular exercise and so chilling the fuck out is not going to STOP THE EARTH'S ROTATION. I may not get as thin as I would have liked originally but that is also another magic phenomenon that I am experiencing with my new mental efforts. I never thought stick thin was attractive but I am turned off by just about every picture I see of supposedly "hot" women out there. Way too thin, legs look like they wouldn't be able to support any amount of serious weight and since when did women want to look like boys with buoys strapped to their chests? Just curious. I do think a lean strong body is hot but I also am realizing that my stomach will probably never be truly flat and that is fine. I had a baby, I gained and lost the same 30-40 several times, and through the last few months I have experienced a new level of leanness in my physique and even with barely any skin to pinch on my abdomen it is not flat. Why do I think it should be? I'm not sure and now that I realize that I don't actually care too much. Just shining a bright light on the negative thinking has served to dispel a lot of it. No matter how thin I've gotten it's not what I have in my head as what it should be. I consistently wear a size 8. I'll let that sink in...to my head as well as yours. In what universe is an 8 not thin enough? Not one I want to live in, I can tell you that.
I know part of it comes from always watching my mother be thinner than myself, an 8 is "big" for her and she really only has to half ass it to maintain that weight, so it is right for her-she's not an idiot, she eats normally but is just naturally thinner than I am. That's something else I've bought into, that you don't have a natural weight your body settles into and that if you are just perfect enough in your efforts you will reach this ideal that may not even be remotely right for your own body and health. I don't believe you have to be unhealthy, that genetics just deal out the cards so don't even try...but an 8 is perfectly fine-better than fine and it's asinine to think I'll be happier at a 6 or even a 4. My mother is a 4 now and it's not necessarily the size...it's the fact that she can just eat a little less and not even try that hard and be that size and I can bust my ass literally for years and never get below a certain weight. I feel that I should have by now, so maybe that's yet another reason I need to chill and accept. That's exactly what I am doing, no matter how long it takes me to stop feeling depressed and fearful that I'll get "fat". Eating disordered thinking right there, and not something I am willing to live with ultimately.
So, sluggishly fighting my way to better mental health and finding that middle ground-not crazy dieting behavior but good choices for my HEALTH-truly, not a bullshit platitude when really what I want is the t word. Achieving new heights physically, being able to do pull-ups, push ups, to run, to cycle, to climb things-to be strong.
So with all that time I wasted thinking away calories I'm going to cook more, try new things, call friends, email, post here and elsewhere, finish my son's scrapbook, etc. Also, read LOTS more books, go to museums and we're getting a Canon digital rebel from a friend for a steal and I'm super excited about that. Wonder how many calories are burned from clicking the shutter? KIDDING. I keel myself.
Near future:post about the Mindless Eating book so I can finally get it in the mail. Class started back today and I'm exhausted and I've got a business blog to update for an actual company and I'm taking my mom to Vail for 3 and a half days starting this Thursday.
Whew.

Lots to talk about, bubbling around in my noggin', but seeing as how I've sat here and tried to talk myself out of going out to the garage and lifting after two weeks off (unheard of), I better go do that instead. Be back later hopefully, lots of great posts in blogland that have me thinking.

Oh and a certain 6am 24 cycle post had a lot to do with inspiring me to get off my tookus. Good for you!

Instead of hoping people will notice how much I've been working out and that I've lost weight when I see them, I'm going to try and actually have things worthy of talking about and garnering that admiration I apparently want. Just a thought.

I stopped taking the med that was sucking the life out of me and am feeling much more like myself again, and once again have wisened up and returned to eating for health, not mythical thinness. I think I keep going on drives to be thin because I think I need to move forward at all times, and while that is not a bad idea, getting smaller is not necessarily the same thing. I will still do "mini cuts" for no longer than two weeks here and there if I start feeling swollen and toxic, but as far as being hard on myself to get down a size, that's for the birds. Cranky birds no one wants to be around, let alone the bird herself.
So I need a goal to work towards, I dislike working out purely to fit into an ideal that I am not even so sure that I can achieve, no matter how hard I push myself. I used to be so much curvier than I am now and I actually felt much sexier. Not sure how to get back to that in a healthy manner but for now my proposal is to make good choices nutritionally, enjoy indulgences in moderation without guilt, and to focus on being more athletic. That was the best thing a trainer ever said to me at 24 hr fitness, not "Hey you've lost weight" but "You are really looking athletic, good job." That was several years ago and it has stuck with me this long. My mode at that time was eating pretty darned cleanly Mon thru Fri and then drinking beer and eating at least one fried meal on the weekends. Ha! Now there's a diet! No really, I am not endorsing that necessarily but it worked for me. I was also weight training three times a week and running about 3 times a week in the park with our dog. Now she isn't able to even go for a 15 minute walk without needing to go home and rest and she's having a hard time controlling her um, business end so walking or running with her is pretty much non existent.
To do:
Figure out what race/walk/cycling event I want to train for...and try new activities as much as possible. I get into a rut when I am in "weight loss" mode and inevitably "fall off the wagon" because it is boring, it sucks, and is the equivalent to running laps when you forget your gym clothes. Funk dat.

I was tempted to berate myself for yet again see sawing back and forth mentally but I know in my heart this is the right way to live and I guess I need to be kind to myself and understand that it will take probably YEARS to undo the damage I started from dieting. I never had an eating disorder until I started on a certain well known diet plan, and though I don't blame the particular brand, it was dangerous for me to get hooked into behavior involving control and a need for external validation. I never gave a rip what anyone thought of my body before, I had great self esteem...and that is where I am headed now come hell or high water.

I've been in a damned weird place mentally and I'm not entirely sure that I'm back. I thought about abandoning this page, mainly because I was thinking about abandoning my endeavor to be thinner. Note I did not say stronger, never thought about ditching that but after spending a weekend like I used to, drinking beer and eating what I wanted, it felt so good. Then Monday rolled around and I felt sick from all the "good fun" I was having and I woke up. Ha! Anyway, sometimes I am human just like everyone else and I get sick to death of all my responsibilities, the thing is...taking care of my body is not one that I can just decide to drop. It's not like washing clothes or loading the dishwasher. I no longer want to go back to my old ways but it was tempting for once.
I seem to have two people inside rather than one whole person. One person is very Type A and takes care of everything right on time all the time and eats perfectly and works out regularly without fail and is also very snippy and uptight and not someone I would want to hang out with, *frown. The other me is very easy going and fun and dangerous to my health, and I just want to combine the two and leave out the snippiness and impatience.
Working on that, in the mean time I'm detoxing and deflating after my tour de debauchery. I went for a walk last night by myself and must have really been bookin' it because I burned just as many calories as I do on the elliptical, and let me tell you I enjoyed it a hell of a lot more because I actually felt like I was getting somewhere instead of hanster wheelin' it.
Sorry I haven't commented, I've read when I could and Kada if you read this, enjoyed the excerpt a lot!
That's all I have for today.

Wow sorry to leave it hanging on such a downer post. I was out of town all weekend, but am back now and will catch up on everyone asahp (as soon as humanly possible). Starting day 12 today, did not make it past 11 am on Saturday, my MIL's house is kryptonite for me and I wish I would have made it but I did not. I'll explain later.

Apparently I lost a day somewhere, this is actually 10 and I'm holding on by the skin of my teeth. It's hard to not stuff depression with food.
Going to bed early, surely tomorrow will be better.

Day 9: chugging along. Had workers here most of the day replacing the back door jam and putting guttering on the back as well. I've worked pretty hard around the house and gotten my school work for the day finished.
I wanted to get some serious exercising in today but I've had to up my dose again and if I thought I was fuzzy yesterday...DAMN. I just want to take a nap but Number One Toddler of the World is waking up now so there goes that. He has been absolutely awful lately and I am ready for my sweet boy to come back.
Typing is difficult, my fingernail beds are sore from pulling weeds and picking up bricks and such, so I'll cut this short.
If the fog lifts I'm going to hop on the elliptical later and tomorrow is definitely lifting day, I'll get that done before I take the extra pill. Food still on track but I think that intial progress has stalled somewhat due to not a lot of exercise. I am trying!

Day 8 was touch and go, I spent the majority of the day at my mother's which is always a danger zone. She eats pretty well but is a big carb snacker like chips and popcorn and crackers and for some reason I always have a hard time around all that. I thought I had completely over done it on the eating but when I actually thought about it on the way home I didn't really, I think I just felt that way because I was out of my element and it was not the typical stuff I would eat.
We also went for about a 20 minute walk, something we've talked about doing together since she left my dad and moved here about a yr and a half ago, so I was proud of doing that on two fronts. She wasn't feeling well but soldiered through it, I wish that her health problems would retreat so she could get back to being more fit and active like she was when she moved here. She walked everyday and had her own little routine she did at their house and then her apt and we even emailed each other encouragement for awhile. Her shoulder locked up for no apparent reason, unknown to doctors why it happens, and she had to do physical therapy for a long time before it was even usable really and now she's had intestinal cramping and pain for months and once again no answer why.
Anyway, the last few mornings I've woken up feeling like a big truck ran over me and I am exhausted right now. Not sure what is going on but I am really missing being MY active self, the diet is going great but I am now one of those people that NEEDS to exercise or I don't feel good about myself or happy in general. I plan on walking quite a bit today and getting some yard work done, toddler permitting. He is being a real pill today and I am wondering why I canceled his Wed. daycare. Bah.

PS thanks for the comments, my brain feels really fuzzy and this was hard to write so I don't really have anything to add right now. Sorry...I hate feeling like this!

Day 7 Check In:
I have stayed "on plan" (hate typing that but well, it is apt) for seven days now and exTREMEly pleased with this fact. And beyond the seven day thing, I survived a weekend with the Husband's family and stood my ground despite frowns, badgering, and supposedly hurt tones. Get off my ass about eating the dessert you made, good GOD. Here is the MOST important part: I do not feel deprived one.little.bit. I feel very scientific, logical, and focused which is how I operate best and I can already see many changes. My arms are more defined which is one of my major goals, my ankles are not swollen, my jewelry is loose and comfortable and the squidgy bags under my arms and around my bra strap are pretty much gone. I feel really good, I just need to get back to more exercise, I actually have more time right now. Not that I've been slacking too hard, hard weights workout Friday and swam for about an hr off and on Sunday. Nothing today but I spent the day driving to/from my grandma's and visiting her, so it was time well spent.
I'm really doing this. *pinches self

Planks will definitely need to be moved to non lifting days, my shoulders are toast and they give out before my abs. I thought I'd be smart and use the timer on the microwave to see how long I could last and so I set it for a min and six seconds and quickly ran over and got into position, only I forgot to take off my socks and the floor is slick because I just washed it yesterday. I felt like a cartoon character when they try and skid around corners! Also on the agenda, agility work; see, you just set up a gym in your garage and wait for wasps to come hang out in the summer and you spend your workout giving the stink eye to anything that buzzes and darting around all agile and stuff with Killer Death Spray. Bastard hid from me but I know he's out there.
For the record there has not been another wasp sighting since last time I wrote about it, and the garage is nice and cool with the box fan going. Check back in when it's over a 100 degrees in the shade for weeks on end, but right now? Still loving it, I think it was important for me to dedicate a complete space to taking care of my body, when I had my dumbbells and yoga mat just sitting around in the house I had a tendency to ignore them, plus it is awesome having a weight bench and a better weight set with an actual barbell, the ottoman was pretty crappy in comparison.
I've found that when I treat my endeavors like something to apologize for to the rest of the world, I am only doing myself a disservice. I'm not going to eat badly when I don't even want to just so others don't think I'm weird and I am not going to make jokes about exercising, because I really don't feel that way and if I don't fit in, well hell! what's new?
NEED SHOWER.

Check in for yesterday and today:
Sorry no update yesterday, had my final and then spent the rest of the day feeling under the weather. Yes, I-the only person sick this much on the face of the planet-woke up with a sore throat again, the same exact feeling I had before I got so badly ill recently. It's still hanging about today but I've managed to get some things done despite it.
Day 2 was a success, no intentional exercise but I stuck perfectly to my eating plan and went to bed a bit early. Today I have not only stuck to the eating plan but also vac'd the entire house and washed the kitchen floor by hand, as well as all of the cabinet faces. A threw in a little bit of yoga/Pilates while playing with our son in his room, he thinks it's funny and tries to climb on me the whole time.
Nothing close to what I have been doing for exercise but I'm not feeling well and I am doing SOME thing so I am happy with it. I feel very pleased with myself right now and I'm not ashamed of that feeling, I don't always have it.
Of course because I've stuck to my convictions for three days I expect miraculous results. I do have to say I went through some bad digestive business right off the bat and the unsightly swelling I had noticed in my ankles is gone. My wedding ring and watch are spinning, something I tend to associate with weight loss because I notice those each time I start dropping fat.
I'm semi obsessing over the idea that I may lose some of the hard fought muscle I just developed but of course I won't be stopping on the lifting front and I am not eating too low of a caloric amount. What I thought was around 1200 calories before is actually more in the 1350-1500 range, which is perfectly acceptable as long as it is a cycle and not the rest of your life. I believe I've been eating a pretty high tally the last 5 months or so, which is why I've lost no fat and was able to add the muscle, at least I think so. I'll probably do that again after I cut some of this unwanted fluff, the fat under my arms and on my back around my bra strap is back too much for comfort, can't hide those pretty muscles!
The class that ate Manhattan is over and I earned a B, something I am very pleased with as well. I'm used to all A's but with this class and this professor, I could dance a jig.
OH! Speaking of jigs, that's something else I've been doing lately. We just got a cheesy station in this area that is geared towards music to make you dance for exercise, stuff like Salt n Peppa and Wild Thang, haha! We have little dance parties, the two of us and sometimes with Husband when he gets home from work.
Enough for now, positive thoughts to you all.

Check in:
Stuck to planned out food all day, ate at Subway for lunch with Mama and made good choices, and went for a 1.25 mile walk after dinner with the family.

I don't know if I have ever been this focused, I'm sure I have but the key is to keep that feeling going.

Success!

No worries, I'm not permanently going anywhere, just hard to write when your head is all muddled. I've always hated trying to recount things after they've already happened, it never comes out right for me.
Here are some things happening though: I am tired of faffing about with this body fat I've been trying to dislodge for several years now. In my mind, I do everything correctly but upon closer examination, well that is bullshit. I will do everything "right" for a few days or even a week, then get thrown off track, and start over...and over...and over. Admittedly I am much fitter and more knowledgeable but I am not where I want to be and I am not going to be if I flit around all willy nilly like I have been. I now know that I can live like a "normal" person quite well, I've worked through a lot of issues (that I created through bad dieter behavior I might add) and am ready to finish the job and get on with it. If I am honest about my goals I have not reached them and am not satisfied with saying, "ah well, it's good enough."
So what's next? Drastic measures no, but consistency yes, and 100% effort, yes. I have told myself that I was doing that but it is just not so. I am capable of doing amazing things if I set my mind to it, and so I have.
Weight training is my favorite workout because of how it makes me feel and yes, also because of how it makes me look. I feel strong, powerful, tough after I lift heavy, especially when I am steadily increasing the amounts (the only way to go in my opinion and experience.) An old favorite of mine is, "Do cardio to look good in your clothes and lift weights to look good naked." Ha! Okay but it's true. If naked isn't your thing then think about bathing suits or let's just focus on the huge one of feeling strong, powerful, in control.
I've had great success doing a full body, hardcore workout once a week. I have increased weight amount pretty much each time (so I know I am making gains in muscle and stability) and I'm trying new lifts and learning all the time. Last week I decided two full body workouts would be better, based off things I was reading (always a pitfall for me, I read a LOT of fitness/nutrition info and tend to take on what makes sense to me, regardless of whether I NEED to change what I am doing). Well two workouts was not a good idea, I was not mentally rested enough to be pumped to do it (very important for me) and the next day I was hardly sore, except for in my lower back. DANGER DANGER Will Robinson, that is NOT where I need to be sore, especially when I didn't really experience any soreness elsewhere. On the plus side I did have soreness in my pecs which has been missing, I definitely need to increase the weight on flyes. That was really the only bonus I got from that extra workout. Lesson learned: if it is not broken, don't fix it. I reserve the right to change my workout plan when it becomes apparent that I need to, my body does adjust pretty well to what I ask of it, but that is another beauty to weight lifting! Increasing the weight challenges your body anew each time and trying different lifts is fun and effective.
I will be focusing on making cardio fun and hitting my weekly lifting HARD. Cardio is my most hated activity but I love getting better at it and it does make me feel good, and let's not forget the fat burning benefit of intervals.
Eating is being reigned in, I will be tracking it (though not cals at this point) and cutting this bodyfat for good. I've been kidding myself for a long time and after recently being very frustrated and getting my feelings hurt (not worth going into right now)I know what I need to and I am excited to do it. To each their own, this is not something to drag me down, and after making this decision and starting to act on it already, I feel better than I have in a long, long time. I do a lot of thinking about things basically and so I feel exhausted like I have been working really hard and yet I don't get results. See what I happens? I get the mental fatigue but don't bring the action so I feel cheated because where the hell are my results damnit!!??
Time to take action.
I'll be updating daily and making an effort to increase my commenting on other pages. I do read almost daily but several of you guys I have to open IE to comment and for some reason that deters me. Yet again part of the thinking and not taking action thing.
Wish me luck, this time is the last time I start over.

Sorry, still been sick and taking exams right now, and I'm in sort of a weird head space right now. Be back as soon as possible.

ETA: META COME BACK!

Thank you for the congrats ladies! I am pumped and all the school bullshit that seemed so hyooge and overwhelming isn't stressing me nearly as much. Now that I know where I am going for Fall semester and it is in fact where I really, really, REALLY wanted to go a tremendous weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Speaking of weights (SEGUE!!), I just completed my first workout since getting sick and of course it was a weight lifting session because that is my favorite and I don't normally miss. Just as a started doing a set of conventional deadlifts, a bigass wasp came zooming at me and the phobic freak that I am I hauled back into the house. Hrm, where is the spray? AH! Of course in the garage with the mofo wasp and my workout equipment that I was irritated to be separated from after my absence. After moving on to dumbbell rows I heard him come back, ran in the house again, etc. Finally zapped him but he veered drunkenly under the partially lifted garage door and I was sure the entire workout he would be back with about twenty of his cousins.
I am proud that I finished, my strength is a bit gone and I burned more calories than usual in the time period so it was not my imagination that I was struggling some. I thought I felt somewhat untouched but when I walked back to get cleaned up a minute ago my legs are leaden and my shoulders, back and arms are weak. Neglected abs but the coughing has had me rolling out of bed with them hurting anyway. Heh.
WOO!
I'm focusing on functional lifting-strength that is going to help me in my daily tasks as mom, homeowner, etc. Wow, just crossed my legs and it was a bit difficult. That's what I'm talking about, yo.

Remember that nutrition program that only accepts 16 people a year that I was so worried about...no more worries!!! I got my acceptance letter and I'm so happy I could puke. YAY.

Still sick. Gave in and went to the doctor, it is viral just like I thought and I feel like I wasted my time, but it got WORSE people. So I had to go. And it looks like I have something similar to what put my work aholic, never take a day off Dad in bed and made him lose his voice for a 3 weeks.
Great.
I'm getting weaker and flabbier and crabbier by the minute.

I am really sick-as in more sick than I can remember being in a long, long time. I pretty much lost yesterday if you don't count the idiocy I displayed by going LIGHT FIXTURE SHOPPING while really, really sick and then coming home and shaking under the covers for a long time because of pushing too hard. And we didn't even find anything we liked, which you know, was icing on the cake of poo day. I am missing working out so much it is really bugging me. I even briefly considered doing it anyway which would be even more stupid than my actions Sunday since my balance is really bad and I am drinking theraflu just to be able to sit up. So if I have correspondence with you or leave comments on your page and it doesn't make sense or seems "off" please know I am hopped up on teh(sic) drugs. As long as I am better in time for lifting day. Oh and we're donating our scale to Goodwill, neither one of us needs/wants it anymore.

Yowza, I said I was going to focus on my back more and by golly, ouch. Dumbbell bent over rows, Yates row, and one set of shrugs for the hell of it = major soreness today, but as I had to explain to my Husband, that's a good thing. Did one set of dips yesterday too and then a set of extensions with the dumbbell (though I think it was the dips that did it) and damn my arms are screaming. The Olympic lift I practiced with a much lighter weight than I think you are supposed to use (I'm not stupid and don't plan on hurting myself anytime soon) was the hang clean, but with more of a squatting motion like I watched demonstrated on Crossfit. It felt really, really cool. I definitely wish I belonged to a gym that had the equipment to do this for real, maybe the gym we should be joining any time (through Husband's work) will have it and maybe some instructional type folks to help.
Once again I had to fight my way back from teetering towards dietdom again, bleh. I did though and immediately feel so much better about myself and life in general. Amazing. *snort
I will not track my weight. I will not deny myself what I want to eat, with the knowledge that I know what is good for me and really, truly enjoy a healthy lifestyle at this point. I don't need restrictions because I have effectively reprogrammed my brain to want what is good for me, and if I sometimes want something that is not? That is okay, it is life, and I rarely want more than a few bites of something that is not good for me, it makes me sick because I eat cleanly for the most part. Sweets are too sweet for my tastes most of the time and I can have 2-3 bites and be done with it. Now if we could just work on cheese fries with bacon, jalapeños, chives, and ranch dressing. Le sigh. I keed, last time we ate that we were both sick for hours and had a hard time sleeping. Speaking of food, yesterday I ate an egg white scramble for breakfast with butternut squash and red new potatoes in it, with half a piece of organic whole wheat toast. For lunch I had my leftover Salvadorian food and a nice big salad with broccoli slaw, organic tomatoes, romaine hearts, cranberries, feta, walnuts, and a lite caesar dressing. So. freaking. good. Yay!
After reading, or I should say devouring the Mindless Eating book LME sent me, in one sitting last night I wonder if I don't care for sweet potatoes, butternut squash, carrots and pumpkin because I have a negative mental association about them beforehand that makes it taste bad to me. I really wish I liked all of these foods as they are beneficial to your health and make dishes so, so...PRETTY. Meh.

I'm working on writing something that is bouncing around my head like crazy but I don't want to post it until I can really articulate what I mean. So here's some other random crap. Heh.
O chem exam was killer, my classmates are struggling as much as I am so at least I don't feel like a moron, just a person in an extremely difficult course that is not easy for many if any. I felt plain exhausted when I left and I didn't have time in between lab and picking our son up to get in my lifting work out. He has a bit of a cold so I figured he would want to lay down and I could do it then. Well he didn't really want to lay down until much later than I thought and by then I had decided if I was going to be able to lift when Husband got home I needed a nap. I felt progressively crappier as the minutes ticked by and so I fell into bed when I put him down for a nap. It hit me that maybe something was trying to take me down too, I felt drugged and like I was held down and couldn't get up even when he started fussing and not wanting to sleep. I knew he would if he just gave in so I dozed in and out until he dropped off finally and I then proceeded to have nightmares about being in the backseat of our pickup while Husband was driving way too fast and there were empty beer bottles in the door clanging and the road changed all the sudden from what it should have been and we either did wreck or were going to, that part is fuzzy. Then our Boy was in water with us and he was drowning and I was the only one that saw and was trying to scoop him up with one arm while I was drowning to and the angle was wrong somehow and I was actually holding him under the more I tried to get him and I woke up freaking out big time. My head hurt and I felt even more drugged and I had left my HRM on because I was dressed to workout and my heart rate had risen considerably from when I laid down.
I was having a hard time standing and was so thankful that Husband's softball game was canceled so he came home and I wasn't alone feeling crappy trying to be single mom. I did start feeling better after awhile but I knew there was no way I should be lifting heavy things and then we decided to go out to eat, I just couldn't face more turkey and veggies.
Husband suggested one of the new places on the lake front about 10-15 minutes from here, the development has great big fountains and outdoor eating areas and we had Salvadorian cuisine that was out of this world! I had a pupusa, tamale, plantain, yucca, black beans and black rice. The chips were brought out with black bean dip and a great fresh salsa and the chips themselves were thick but airy, not sure how to describe it really but fantastic food.
I still feel tired today but I did get my workout in and feel properly worn out all over. Deadlifts are awesome and I also tried an Olympic lift a few times which was awesome.
Ack, so much to say but my wonderful Boy is awake and it is time for his lunch.
Later.

Yesterday was yet another non stop mindless eating day so I guess stopping myself Monday didn't work that well, unless you count the food I didn't inhale at that point. I ticked off another planned workout which made me feel very good about myself, and it was cardio on the elliptical which has been extremely hard lately for some reason. I went to go get started and hit the play button on my iPod and nothing...uh, hell no! I need my music to get me through cardio, or so I thought. It pissed me off so I marched out there and knocked out my workout with no music, at night, after I took my med-extra points for me! Also, my heart rate did not shoot up too hight over and over this time like it has since I started this medication so that was encouraging.

Wow this post is dullsville, but I have an exam in a few hours for o chem and my brain would not let me sleep to my alarm, I kept dreaming I was getting married again and no one would really help me get ready or anything. Interestingly, my Husband was the groom in this dream but I had been married/started to marry someone before. I think I've been reading too many blogs, I read one about a girl getting married before I shut the lappy down last night.
Extremely proud that I am keeping my word on workouts and cut out the excuses though. There's the point to this in one sentence.

Yesterday mornings planned yoga can be checked off, at least 40 out of 60 minutes can. After completing the actually workout part (mostly) I just laid face down on the carpet so I realized I needed to stop. I have never had to quit early during yoga except when I was sick once and it was a miracle that I got even that far. I am sick of this medication that makes me feel like a weakling. Today is cardio and I am not looking forward to my heart rate shooting up over and over and I will be calling my doctor today to see what the heck else I can do because I want OFF this med, as in NOW.
So my upper back is sore today because I focused a lot on form during my yoga session and it is a great back workout with all of the negative pushups, upward dog, and even the sun salutation sequence in the beginning if you keep your movements sharp and think about keeping your shoulders down and away from your ears. I thought about where I can fit in a TT workout (tubu1ence training) like M@rla has been doing but I wonder if it would kick my ass too much to use just as a cardio workout. I won't know until I try it right?
I started on an eating rampage last night, after studying or I should say TRYING to study organic chem for an exam tomorrow morning, and having to stop constantly to police the little one and not understanding the problems right off the bat over and over...I started eating without being hungry. I fixed a half a natural peanut butter/simply fruit jam sandwich which more than made me full and was fine, and then I started scarfing handfuls of walnuts, cranberries, not sure what else at the pantry. In walks the Husband and he heats up some rice pilaf and turkey tenderloin for his and our son's dinners and I get a spoon and stand there and start eating rice...yes all of this was not unhealthy foods but it was too much and it was sort of a frenzied behavior and I was mentally sniffing out what was next when I sort of shook myself and went and brushed my teeth. I felt like crying, the comfort I was trying to find was not there and it left me feeling defeated. I had a late hair appt at 7:30 so that saved me and got me out of the house but I didn't want to go, I was so tired and felt haggard and ashamed of myself.
I'm okay today and my hair is bitchin'. HA! I crack myself up.

I thought this was a good article, especially the second to last sentence.

Aim for Balance

Healthy ambition requires us not to push ourselves so hard that we are incapable of having a balanced life, but not to take it too easy, either. This seems like a fine line, and in fact, in yoga practice it's often referred to as "the edge." It's the place where you're working at the top of your body's ability on that day. If you worked any less, you'd be slacking off; any more, and you'd be risking injury. What yoga can do, experts say, is help point the way toward healthy, balanced ambition, both for people with lots of drive and for people who feel they lack it.

To attain balanced ambition, your goal should not run afoul of the yama, or principle, of ahimsa, or nonviolence. Interpreted literally, this means your goals shouldn't harm other living beings. But it also has a broader meaning. It means not running over other people in an attempt to get ahead, and not harming or neglecting yourself when you're trying to accomplish things. So you may have to change the way you go about pursuing your goal,perhaps by shifting the time frame for accomplishing it. The key to balanced ambition is to focus on the process, not the outcome of your actions. In yoga terms, this is detachment, or nongrasping.

From the Yoga Journal newsletter.

I made a recipe (posted below) but made a few changes so it didn't turn out the same way as when I helped make it Easter Sunday. I subbed butternut squash for the yam, left out the bell pepper accidentally, and the carrots on purpose.
After I made my four day at a time plan I read an article stating most people can do things four days at a time much easier than say a week or whatever. And there I said that I would just have to accept that I am different. Ha!



Tomato Vegetable Casserole
Recipe courtesy Giada De Laurentiis
Show: Everyday Italian
Episode: Dinner Party Delivery
Tomato Vegetable Casserole
1 medium potato, peeled and cut into 1/2-inch pieces
1 medium yam, peeled and cut into 1/2-inch pieces
1 red bell pepper, seeded and cut into 1/2-inch pieces
2 carrots, peeled and cut into 1/2-inch pieces
5 tablespoons olive oil
1 red onion, thinly sliced into rings
2 small or 1 large zucchini, cut crosswise into 1/4-inch-thick pieces
Salt and pepper
2 large ripe tomatoes, cut crosswise into 1/4-inch thick slices
1/2 cup grated Parmesan
2 tablespoons dried Italian-style bread crumbs
Fresh basil sprigs, for garnish

Preheat the oven to 400 degrees F.

Toss the potato, yam, bell pepper, carrots, and 2 tablespoons of olive oil in a 13 by 9 by 2-inch baking dish to coat. Sprinkle with salt and pepper and toss until coated. Spread vegetables evenly over the bottom of the pan.

Arrange the onion slices evenly over the vegetable mixture. Arrange the zucchini over the onion. Drizzle with 2 tablespoons of oil. Sprinkle with salt and pepper. Arrange the tomato slices over the zucchini.

Stir the Parmesan and bread crumbs in a small bowl to blend. Sprinkle the Parmesan bread crumbs over the vegetables in the baking dish. Drizzle with the last tablespoon of olive oil.

Bake uncovered until the vegetables are tender, and the topping is golden brown, about 40 minutes. Garnish with fresh basil sprigs, if desired

I am loving all these comments! *takes a moment to roll around in the commenty goodness*
It's sort of a pain in the rear to leave comments on my own DARNED BLOG but I really do appreciate the support and knowing a have "internet friends" out there.
My lower body felt sore but not unmanageable when I got up today, and as I mentioned I scheduled out workouts yesterday through Saturday in Sparkpeople. I normally take the day after lifting off from any structured exercise but I thought a nice long walk would not only help a bit with the lack of workouts but sort of stretch my muscles out so they didn't feel too tight. I took our son in the jogging stroller for a 45 minute walk through the park under the shade trees arching over the path. The creek is pretty full and I couldn't help but think what a gorgeous day to be alive.
After sitting down for a minute when we got home my legs were so stiff I could barely walk, and I'm achy now but satisfied. There will be no peeling that monkey sticker off today's date on the calendar.
I'm cooking a veggie casserole of sorts tomorrow with butternut squash, red potatoes, and purple onion. I forgot grated Parmesan and large tomatoes for the top-anyway, I'm curious if anyone has any good recipes for butternut squash, I've never attempted any culinary magic with this particular variety of squash.
We're watching "Rocky Balboa" and I gotta say I didn't think it would be this good but I was just bouncing around on the couch like a loon during the match scene.
G'Night.

I am shaking, but in a good way. I somehow did not burn as many calories but I know I did a great workout. Despite my myriad mental issues lately I will NOT missing a lifting session and I was excited to work on my squat form and to try sumo and conventional deadlifts. I tell ya, conventional or sumo deadlifts either one are MUCH harder than stiff legged, at least in my opinion. I can do stiff legged deadlifts with close to twice the weight of what I did today. Just trying to pick up the barbell off the floor with 50 lbs loaded on it was too damn much and that is not that hard when doing it stiff legged. My hamstrings are already tightening up, but not in an injury feeling sort of way so I bet I just need to get on the floor and do a good stretch session and maybe some myofascial massage on the foam roller.
I'm going to compare weight loads to the last time I wrote it down when I get a chance and I hereby promise to keep track of it in a .doc or excel sheet from here on out-I don't like stopping to scribble when actually IN my workout so I think I will plan the weights beforehand and then adjust as needed. I can usually remember fairly well what each is but eh, the ol' brain-she isn't what she used to be.
Eating has been spot on, I decided to not "count" (pts or calories either one) but to focus on veggies with each meal if possible and to avoid triggers again for awhile. Apparently pasta and meat sauce is a bad one for me, even whole wheat and lean turkey. Just typing that made me feel hungry, wow.
I've neglected my back for too long since starting home workouts-at the gym I used the assisted pull up machine and loved it but um, I kinda don't have one here at home. Yoga and pushups focus on your back muscles but I don't do either one enough to get great results back there. So I better hit Krista's site and find a good compound lift for my back and I'll try that next time.
I also planned all workouts in Sparkpeople as I said I would and already placed my monkey stickers on the calendar for workouts so I HAVE to do them now. Heh. New plan, focus on 4 day segments and go from there, that is where I tend to vier off the path. I feel badly that other's have a hard time with months and here I am with a four day limit but to each their own.

Wow, today went from bad to worse and now that I am sitting here really sick to my stomach and feeling low I am putting an end to it. I did not work out, the thought of it literally made me want to cry so I passed. Instead I proceeded to eat myself sick for the last several hours, including homemade cookies (something I have never even made before). It is time to "fake it till I make it" and that means using outside resources until I can trust myself again to stop being so destructive. I have set up a workout schedule in Sparkpeople and I will be counting my food until I feel I can stop without hurting myself, which is basically what I have done the last two days. This is so disappointing, I've been on auto pilot with food and exercise for a while and it has seemed almost effortless. This too shall pass.

Suppose an update is in order since the lovely life is grand blah blah train has left the station. I feel bloated and crappy and have not worked out since the prematurely ended cardio Saturday. Spent a lot of yesterday crying, feeling suicidal and laying on the carpet. I am NOT someone that ever has those thoughts even when the world seems its blackest but random thoughts about it would just pop in my head, very upsetting. Not something that would ever happen, my life rocks 99% of the time, but I think this nerve med is really jacking with my head. I have to drink M0nst3r or I am a zombie and I think it is starting to give me a UTI, but who the hell knows with my screwed up lady parts? Eh?
Wow what a bitter post, hee! Completely contrary to how most people would react to all of this I am looking forward to attempting some cardio when Husband gets home to stay with our son and tomorrow is lifting day. I will not be beaten, but I do have to say that it really sucks that every time I ALLOW myself to feel happy about my appearance or strength, my legs get knocked out from under me and I immediately get sick or bloated or you name it and I feel like a slug again, both in how I look and my energy level. I feel like I dare not breathe a word of pride about it or I am doomed. I also have the irrational thought that I can bust my ass and eat well and nothing will happen for me unlike other people. There is some validity to that thought since as I mentioned I have stayed in mid to high 20s bf percentages for several years now except for during/immediately post pregnancy. Consistency is the key I think, hell I don't know at this point. I am pretty damn consistent.
/end pity party

I'm so excited about what is happening to my body lately that I feel like a little kid waiting for a present. Of course I also wake up each day and expect to see more change and it doesn't work that way. I'm weighing in once a month and recording it in SparkPeople which also takes your measurements (waist, hip, and neck). It's funny not caring about stepping on every day any more, I thought I would have a hard time with it but since I have released my obsession with eating the scale neurosis has also disappeared. The weigh in thing is just sort of a curiosity since my weight has remained roughly the same since March/April of 2004 outside of my pregnancy time. Any normal body conditions time has been in the same range after I dropped the baby weight and it gets so damn old being the same for years on end, but I am sure there are worse problems out there, in fact I know there are and so seeing major changes in my strength and physique is awesome and the scale number can go fuck itself. Ta da!
I just drank a cup of Madagascar Vanilla tea and holy cow was it good, like a dessert in a cup almost, woo!
Still not overeating though I am hitting the fuzzy line between, but that is fine-this is not a normal weekend. I have familial pressure eating and I had Girlie night last evening at a great sushi place. I am pleased with my continued loyalty to my promise and myself. I'm not so sure this is IE but it is definitely mindful eating and treating my body and spirit nicely.
Yesterday I only did 18 minutes instead of 20 of cardio intervals because I kept having to stop/start over and over-maybe 7 times compared to the usual 2 I might do to take a drink and then at the end I started having light chest pains. I decided not keeling over was more important than finishing that last two minutes though it irked me.

So hangin' at in-laws last night and they had SUGARED SPICY BACON pieces out as an appetizer. That may sound weird but holy cow were they good and I kept hovering around the bowl. I think I did rather well though on keeping my promise to myself to stop overeating, and trust me-the in-laws various homes are danger zones for me. *By that I mean his aunt or grandparents or parents, not that they own multiple homes or something.
Anyway, I got weird looks and even badgering to have wine or eat more food but I just politely declined and stuck to my guns. If dinner had not been put off until after 8 (also a hazard of eating with them) I don't think I would have eaten the bacon either or quite as much at dinner. Whatever, I stayed true to my way of life and resisted the numerous pressures and that is what is important to me.
I've spot checked in my head here and there and some days I think I may be eating pretty darn low cal-like too low cal but I am simply listening to my body and eating until satisfied and not full and if that is what it wants to do then I am going with it and not forcing it like a child at the dinner table. I know that pretty much each weekend and sometimes during the week we will go out to eat or have a social engagement and even if I am conservative with portions at those times, my cals are going to sky rocket and I think it will even out. I am not watching calories but I do have an eye on it in the background somewhat because I believe in good health through nutrition and I am not going to hurt myself, no matter what.
Weight training has made such a huge impact on my body and maybe I should clarify that: weight training the way I do it now as opposed to lifting three times a week and doing split workouts with 3 sets of each exercise. I do no more than two sets at most now but I use the heaviest weight possible to complete a set with good form. Last night I was asked to bring fairly heavy wooden folded chairs down from the third floor of Husband's aunt's house and I carried two down at a time without even feeling like it was work. Now that is muscles being put to practical use! His aunt would rush to the bottom of the stairs and exclaim, "Erin let me help!" She seemed to be afraid I would hurt myself, maybe no one has noticed my rippling biceps. I CRACK MYSELF UP!
Since stopping overeating my weight has stabilized but I can see definition coming out so I must be dropping body fat though the conventional wisdom of measurements and scale weight etc have gone all wonky. I tried to hit the big sale at Ann Taylor Loft yesterday but the 8s were too big and I thought 6's would be too tight, maybe I should have tried anyway but I was chicken. Just wearing an 8 has been very hard for me to accept as reality, I hold my breath every time I try a pair on, not to suck in my stomach but because I think the dream will be shattered. Maybe I'll believe the 8s when I am wearing 6's.

So the INTERVIEW is over and I think it went really well unless my radar is busted. I think the well wishes in blogland are what sealed the deal. *wink
I tried to get up and workout this morning at 7 but I was breathing underwater, or at least I felt that way. Supposedly you have heightened brain function for 4 to 10 hrs after you workout (good reason to do it in the morning rather than before sleep and wasting it). The pollen in the air is killing me, fatigue and my eyes are so damned dry my tears come out like dust. Okay it feels that way.
Currently waiting for my snackie meal to settle then I'm going to hit the elliptical for 20 minutes of BFL style intervals.
I know as weight loss professionals we are all told by the media and each other to take measurements and rely on that for validation instead of the scale. Well guess what? I don't always think that is accurate either. My waist is actually up a bit, my scale weight is down, and yet my size 6 skirt from Ann Taylor that fit a few weeks ago has at least an inch or two to spare now. Interesting no?

Another great workout yesterday, I made it home after lab in time to fit in my lifting before picking up my son. I was sore just a few hrs later instead of waiting for it to kick in this morning. My interview for the nutrition program I've been working my ass off for the past year and a half is tomorrow at 11 and I am super nervous and doing a lot of thinking about how best to present myself. I really need to get off this couch and get the day rolling, there are so many things to do that I'm sort of dunking my head in the sand. That never got anything done.

I am not typically an evening workout type, of course it could be argued that I am not really a morning workout type either, ha! I tend to exercise more often earlier in the day though so I don't give myself a chance to feel "too tired" or whatever other excuse I might come up with when the day nears its end. My father visited us yesterday and we had a nice time despite my anxiety about the whole thing. After turbulent events of the last few years I get wound pretty tightly just seeing his number on the phone though he has done nothing to warrant these feelings in quite awhile, and thankfully it gets easier all the time. We went out for lunch and had so-so food and extremely sub-par service but I did not overeat and felt proud of that. Then we went to Coldstone Creamery for dessert and to walk around the shopping center. I got a strawberry banana smoothie with sorbet instead of ice cream and it was good and I didn't even finish it. I mention that not because I was watching calories, but because I started hitting that too full mark and I knew it was okay to toss it instead of making myself miserable. Another victory under my belt, and then last night's workout brings me back around to what I started on about in the beginning of this post. Even though I experienced heartburn issues from the restaurant food and felt tired I changed into my gear and hopped on the elliptical for my 20 min of BFL style interval cardio. I really pushed it, came close to hitting max heart rate and felt completely whipped when I finished. The coolest thing however, happened to be that it felt so easy when on level one and my HR stayed fairly low for quite some time-two things that shocked me. It seems almost like this happened overnight though I'm sure it has been in the works for awhile. Feeling cardio work be somewhat EASY was a huge new experience for me. I tried explaining it to the Husband but he was always in athletics and I knew he didn't really understand though he tried. I was ALWAYS the slow one, always the red faced end of the line, unable to do anything the other kids could do, person. It felt amazing to realize I AM becoming pretty athletic and these new muscles that look pretty are also functioning well too!
I did levels 1-4 which was also a first. Previously I had only been able to go to 3 twice and I went all the way to 4 four different times. The resistance on this machine is much harder than the ones at the gym. I was going to level 8 at the gym and starting out on 4 and I know I am stronger now than I was then. Anyway...
This morning I woke up and I just felt "skinny". This also seemed overnight, a layer has definitely shifted despite the ridiculous scale readings and nothing pudged out over the top of my jeans whatsoever and I just felt really good all day. I can see a difference though I haven't taken measurements and I am not sure I am going to at this point.
Just completed an hr of power yoga and I feel drained but proud. I am sort of waiting for the other shoe to drop though because every time I am on a roll like this I get sick or something weird happens. In an effort to not let my negative thoughts stick or whammy me, I sort of skip off to something else in my head when I start thinking that way. Like attention deficit on purpose, heh. I've been spinning my wheels for a long time and it seems like I finally broke up out of the mud.

After reviewing the newly posted summer semester schedules that I must be enrolled in to finish out my prerequisites, I see that the NYC trip I thought would take place this year is highly unlikely. Perhaps I can discuss my absence of three days with the instructor and take labs at different times to make up the time/grades or something of that nature. I am fearful this will not be acceptable though and am more than a bit sad. NYC has resided on my list of places I want to visit for quite some time and I thought it would be marked off the list and moved to the places to visit again list this year. Jason's parents go to some type of jeweler convention there every year the last weekend of July and the big association would pay for our room! With airline miles and a paid for room this became extremely doable and yet here I sit with school beating me down yet again. The following summer whether at UT or OU either one, will still find me in a classroom or possibly doing field work and so the situation will more than likely remain the same. I think missing out on a few days at community college sounds more likely than missing out on several days of my internship, ya?
Jason and I made yet another recipe together from the Low GI cookbook, this time we tried Chicken Enchiladas, page 220. I just saw it says 4 servings...uh we made about a pan and a half (9 x 13) of these things, that comes out to be about a billion enchiladas a person. They turned out superbly and I'm happy to share the recipe if requested. Very clean tasting but extremely tasty, and I am not believing how many vegetables Jason has consumed with these recipes. True, they reside on the acceptable veggie list for him, but this seems to be a good way to get in more servings of them all. Once again we subbed a yellow pepper for the green but that was the only modification this time.
Yesterday our family trekked over to the Firewheel shopping center yet again (we love this place apparently) and attended sort of a "kids' fest" thing where the Kool-Aid man and the weiner mobile were in attendance and some guy shouting things over a microphone. I spent my time mainly in NY & Company trying on and buying the best dressed I have found in a long time. Extremely happy with the results, I've been looking for sundresses that don't happen to look like maternity wear. Hrm, the dresses are listed on their website and yet the pictures possess the clarity of mud. Boo.
Friday I completed my lifting workout and used the barbell to do my squats. It was a bitch at first because I had to rearrange things and I hate having to work on something in order to just GET TO the task at hand. The rack was turned so that you could do bench presses, something I don't do as I do flyes instead, and so after a scary attempt that could have resulted in injuring myself I set out to turn it around. After all I am the only one using the bench as Husband doesn't like lifting weights and is having to play mind games with himself to even do cardio. After wrestling with the stupid thing I got it lined out and was able to do the squats. I had to do three sets though and that is not in line with my goal of efficiency and heaviest weights possible with good form. I don't want to do more than two sets of an exercise as I do not believe more is needed and have achieved the best results of my entire lifting experience of several years off and on-not only in muscle growth but also in my consistency. I have been consistent with lifting for weeks and weeks and don't see it stopping now that I am not bored too tears with too high repetitions and too little rest in between that type of workout. Full body workouts with max weight and minimal repetitions have worked wonders. My legs finally got a good workout and I concentrated on form to the nth degree, including making sure to go a full 90 degrees down, which I THOUGHT I had been doing but maybe not so much. I think I was bitching so much mentally about my hands hurting holding the dumbbells that I wasn't coming down far enough, which irks me because that is something I feel is so important. If you do things half-assed just to lift more weight or to go faster than you are only screwing yourself. Yoga was last Wednesday, not sure if I mentioned that. My body actually seemed to be telling myself, "Self, it has been about a month without proper stretching and meditation, what the hell are you doing!?" So I got to it and my hips hurt afterwards and now feel much better than they have in a good long while.
Must dash, my dad is coming to visit today and I am sitting here with wet hair and a slightly messy (not too bad) house.

I made my first main dish meal from the Low GI cookbook my sister-in-law gave us and we both loved it! I modified it a bit to suit our tastes and when we ate it I thought it was just okay but I had not let it sit long enough for the rice to soak up the broth. Here are the details:

2 teaspoons canola oil
2 stalks celery, chopped
2 cloves garlic, minced
1 onion, chopped
1 lb boneless, skinless chicken, cut into 1/2 inch cubes
2 teaspoons dried thyme
2 teaspoons dried oregano
1 teaspoon chili powder
1/4 teaspoon cayenne pepper (optional)
2 cups chicken broth (low fat low sodium)
2 green bell peppers, steamed seeded and diced
1 can (28 oz) stewed tomatoes
1 can (15 oz) kidney beans, drained and rinsed
3/4 cup brown rice
1 bay leaf
1/4 cup chopped flat-leaf parsley

1. Heat the oil in a Dutch oven over medium-high heat. Add the celery, garlic, and onion and cook until the onion has softened, about 5 minutes. Add the chicken, thyme, oregano, chili powder, and the cayenne, if using, and cook, stirring, for 5 minutes.
2. Add the broth, bell peppers, tomatoes, beans, rice, and bay leaf and bring to a boil. Reduce the heat to low, cover, and simmer, stirring occasionally, for abotu 35 minutes, or until the rice is tender. Let the dish stand for 5 minutes. Remove the bay leaf and discard. Stir in the parsley before serving.


Jason does not like celery or beans so I left both out, and we did not have regular brown rice but we did have the instant version. I threw in the rice the last 12 minutes and it was just right. Also, I don't care for green bell peppers so we used a red and a yellow. Delicious! When I went back to get a second bowl a while later it was so much better because it had thickened up a lot. This is a green light recipe which as you can imagine means GO (weight loss, no worries, etc)

Recipe from "Living the g.i. Diet" by Rick Gallop, page 217

When I slack off posting in this space I tend to be floating along feeling lost regarding life in general. The rigors of being a student/mother/wife/relative/friend/etc. have officially overwhelmed me as of late. Husband's grandfather is having medical problems again after having a quadruple bypass last year and coming through amazingly well. He fell down at the cardio center's gym Wednesday and then they found fluid in his chest and something looks odd with the lymph nodes. The doctors seem to think it is not going to be something horrible but there is still tension in the background for me because I love him like he is my grandfather.
A confession: I had drifted back to mostly thinking like I did before my big ephiphany and of course it screwed with my mind. I am slowly, persistently retraining my brain again to stop counting and ticking and obsessing and to just focus on eating nutritious foods, being mindful of my hunger/satiety cues, and exercising regularly. The exercise is not a problem, it has finally become something that I just consider part of life, and if I periodically can't/don't fit it in my day then that is okay because guess what? I will the next day, or the day after that, and the world will not end. I am not lazy, or worthless, or slipping into a black vortex of sloth if I miss a few days. THIS IS FOR LIFE. God, probably the most oft quoted and concurrently hypocritical statement I see tossed around the 'net. I realize there are people that do want to live their life going through bulking/cutting phases, trying new plans, etc. and that is FINE. I am that way sometimes and that is okay too, and I am not bad if I do that either. For the most part however; I just want to feed my body quality fuel and move it around consistently enough in fun ways to have a kickass body. I have thought quite a bit this week (okay just the last two days) about what I really want out of the physical side of my life and it hit me like a ton of bricks. The physique I admire and can obtain given my physiological makeup is like Angelina Jolie in Lara Croft (though I think she was a bit too thin for me) or Jennifer Garner in Electra or Daredevil. Muscular, lean, badass chick bodies. I honest to God, hand on my heart do not want to look like a SI model, after seeing the pictures I could not believe that is the ideal for the masses, there is so little muscle it reminds me of a young child with breasts and well, that kinda freaks me out. This is my personal opinion and more power to everyone out there that disagrees. What I want for ME is to look tough and strong and well, hot at the same time. When I feel the most powerful is when I lift weights and get my hands dirty or work on a car or dig in the dirt all sweaty and tired. That makes me feel damn good, like I can do anything, and who would not want that each day of their life?
I tried mountain climbers and didn't think it was that bad, I can also do a shitload of jumping jacks now which makes me proud looking back on the gasping red faced past. Disclaimer: I am sure I did not do nearly enough mountain climbers to say for sure if I can handle it or not. Heh
I watched a clip about the workout they put the men through for the movie "300". Holy shit that is the kinda stuff I want to be able to do, pushups on hanging rings and throwing a tire around, lol. She-ra!

I've been extremely out of pocket since oh, around March 9th (which was my birthday, coincidence? no) but thank you for the comments about my birthday weekend, sorry I have been MIA. Two days after getting home from the birthday extravaganza we left town to visit family in Oklahoma City and Tulsa, OK. We returned last night and I've been immediately thrown back into real life and it sucks. Hard. I am exhausted and having a hard time thinking, in fact I have considered bailing on writing this several times already and let's face it: I have not typed that much at this point.
Anyway, no home cooked food was consumed from Wednesday lunch through breakfast this morning and my body is hatin' right about now. Dinner last night made both me and my husband pretty ill and neither one of us has any desire to go out to eat for quite some time. That's one of our favorite things to do so trust me, that was quite a feat. I did lift Tuesday morning, walked Wednesday and Thursday, then used the Stairmaster and my in-laws in Tulsa Friday and Saturday morning with a 30 minute walk outside afterwards Saturday. Saturday night I drank too much beer, and did a shot and then an Irish Car Bomb combined with consuming crappy food. I did eat some damn good food halfway through the night and have vowed to go back to Paddy's (Tulsa, OK) again to properly enjoy it. Smithwick's (pronounced smiddicks) and half a Reuben was an awesome combo.
So I exercised pretty well, but ate cookies and pie and pizza and lots and lots of fries. Oh and beer. I am so ready to feel good again instead of bloated and tired and dealing with seriously uncool digestive issues. I've eaten well today because that is all I feel like doing and am working on unpacking our little family and getting this house in order. Here's to onward and upward!

Thanks for the birthday wishes, I had a wonderful fantasy weekend. My husband earned enough points to last quite a while indeed. It has been a rude awakening returning to the real world but I don't suppose I have much of a choice. Update on my friend: She and the boyfriend are trying to work things out, and while I am happy for her I don’t trust him as far as I can throw him. If he really does treat her properly from here on out then I won’t hold a grudge.
On Friday, my actual birthday, my husband finally told me what he had planned for my weekend. Saturday morning I had to be ready by 8:45 to go spend all day at the Crescent Spa! His cousin (also my friend) went with me and though we didn’t have treatments together it was nice to have her along for the ride. My package was all wine related, first a Cabernet grape scrub, then a red wine anti-cellulite bath, then a wine and honey wrap and finally a Sauvignon massage. It was unbelievable and my skin feels delightful, and now I know that wraps really do tighten your skin though I don’t think it lasts. Still, it’s been very nice to experience that again even if for a little while. Following the spa day we were picked up and taking to the W hotel in downtown, and it is an absolutely incredible place to stay and hang out. I felt like a had stepped into an upscale Ikea catalogue, for instance: the walls downstairs change colors from red to blue and back, the lounge area was way cool with these long chandeliers that made me think of jellyfish and there were just quirky little details everywhere. Our room was the Mega Room which is advertised as Texas sized with really high ceilings and a huge bed. Very hard to describe but the design was ingenious. The W even gave me a birthday present, a massage candle scented with habanera and grapefruit. You actually can use the wax to do a massage-I’ve never seen one like it.
On the 33rd floor is the Ghostbar, probably hands down the coolest nightclub type place I have ever been in, it made me think of what you see clubs being like on tv instead of the cheesy places I’ve been to before. There’s a balcony area outside that is hanging out over thin air and the view of the city was amazing. Standing there I could see lights moving and blinking as far as my vision reached, sort of like looking out over the ocean-a sea of humanity. I’ve realized how much I don’t want to leave here now.
Sunday we walked across the street to the American Airlines center and went up to the platinum club area and had the best brunch buffet I have ever had. The Dallas Stars game started at 2:30 and it was super exciting and worth being there to see. Lots of action, both scoring and fighting and we had some of my favorite friends with us, including my best friend that has never been to a hockey game and is a huge fan. She kept saying, “Kids at Christmas have nothing on me today!”
Really the only downer was my dad was supposed to be at the game with us so I could see him for my birthday. He didn’t show up so we called several times and found out he was feeling really sickly and he said half his face was swollen up and his voice sounded terrible. My poor dad, when he gets better I’m going to ask him to go to a Ranger’s game just the two of us.
I did workout Thursday night and had a great lifting session. I’ve really increased the weight on my squats and I think it was a mental setback before and now I know I can push it harder. I will say it again-free weights training has done the most for my self image and confidence of anything I have tried. I haven’t worked out since then, literally no time to even though I really wanted to try the infinity pool at the hotel. We slept too late and stayed in bed too long to get to use it, but I plan on working out today when the Husband gets home. Eating was fairly on track all weekend and I just didn’t worry about it too much.

Greedy, that's me. I want new posts from everyone to read and yet here I sit not writing anything myself.
The tidal waves of sickness that plagued us for the last few weeks have gone and life is returning back to normal. Well physically that is, my mental state has sort of gone south-basically I think what is bugging me is my best friend is in a lot of pain right now. The guy she thought she would marry is more than likely dumping her tonight and he has left her in limbo all week. At this point I would like to punch his stupid face in, but I digress.
So I started taking Wellbutrin today and I am having some side effects, but I think it is related to the lack of water and food I have had today. Not on purpose, let me assure you. This girl is not one to starve herself, but I went by my mother's before she left for work and right before I left the afore mentioned friend called and sounded terrible. I called her back and even though I had a happy day planned of shoe shopping with my wonderful little boy, I turned the car around and headed straight to her apartment. She said she needed a hug and so I was there. I talked with her about everything and held her while she cried and this is very hard. On a selfish note it really sucks to be dealing with this on my birthday weekend, but unselfishly that is not stopping me from being her support.
For clarficiation I am not taking an anxiety medication because of her problems, it probably sounded that way in the above wording but that is not the case. I have struggled for years now with stress and depression and have yet to find a medication that works for me all the way around-lexapro did a good job but (TMI alert) made me unable to enjoy sex/any stimulation whatsoever. I stopped taking that immediately, ha! But the fact is, without some type of medical help I do not enjoy the wonderful life I have like I should, I am anxious and angry and irritable and then alternately mopey and tearful and full of despair. Not the way I want to live my life and so I am trying again. The side effect seems to be nausea and light headedness but I am already feeling better now that I ate some more and am drinking my third cup of water since we got back home.
I want to lift weights when my Husband gets home but maybe that is not a good idea with how my head feels. It has been a week though tomorrow, and I don't go more than a week without working out my whole body to failure. Working out once a week, using the heaviest weights possible and then resting the whole next day (no exercise planned at all) has done wonders for my body and strength. I have also consistently lifted, even during the sickness, because I know it is once a week and it makes me feel powerful and strong. I am steadily lifting heavier and that is progress I can touch and see and feel, unlike the scale. My scale weight is still heavier than my old consistent weigh ins and yet I look and feel so much better. Happy Birthday to me tomorrow, yay!

A fitness article that is actually useful and doesn't leave me going, "No kidding, duh." This was on my Yahoo homepage and I clicked on it though I was reluctant to read the same stuff I already know. While I did already know this stuff it actually seemed like an article that might be USEFUL to people that don't know these things instead of the usual, "Hey, I have a revelation! Park further from the door and pass on that bread at dinner!" crapola. I have no idea about the vest thingie but will check it out when I get a chance. As of the moment I am mired in Organic Chemistry lab homework that I have no clue how to complete. D'oh!


Your Body Can Burn Fat on Its Own
Posted by Debbie Rocker
on Tue, Feb 27, 2007, 5:43 pm PST
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Wouldn’t you just love it if your body decided to burn fat and calories on its own?

It can:
1. Exercise in short, intense bursts (interval training) for effective fat burning after exercise.
2. Increase the amount of resistance/strength/weight training you do, to build more lean muscle. Muscle is ‘metabolically active’ and burns more calories than other body tissue even when you’re not moving.
And of course, for best results:
3. Chill on the amount of food you are eating.

Technically:
1. Our bodies are built to survive, so when you exercise for long periods of time (often and consistently) your body thinks it needs to hold on to fat for energy. Doing short (12-15 minute), intense exercise sessions builds strength and burns calories, but not fat, so it “feels safe” using fat stores for energy after exercise.
2. Resistance training (using extra weight) helps build lean muscle mass (and strong bones), and muscle burns more calories than fat.
3. If you are obsessing over things like fat grams and not eating a nutritious diet, your body will reserve energy (store fat) to survive.

Realistically:
1. Varying your exercise is the most effective and efficient way to stay lean and healthy. You must do some longer exercise to build cardiovascular endurance, burn lots of calories, and yes, even burn fat during exercise - your body will not click in to “save” mode unless you exercise for long periods of time, regularly and often.
2. You must do resistance training in order to build muscle and strong bones.
3. Nobody wants to exercise more - and we don’t want to train our bodies to need more exercise to stay fit. So exercise efficiently – two short, very intense (relative to your level of fitness) training sessions weekly, like a 15-minute fast run/walk or fast cycling sprint intervals, and two moderately long, moderately intense sessions (30-45 minutes) of strong walking, cycling, or yoga, with one long day (60-90 minutes) of a moderately paced walk/hike. That’s a great five-day/week training schedule.
4. Instead of adding more days to your workout schedule, add a weighted vest to your training. I have said this before, but this is the most efficient way that I know of to build muscle while burning calories. For more information, go to www.walkvest.com.
5. Eat moderately - stop counting fat grams and calories and look at how much food is on your plate! And eat more nutritiously by eating foods that are natural and unprocessed.

Keep it real -
Debbie Rocker