Just found this while looking through my documents folder for research paper related things:

"The Other Side of Normal. I’m done with the other side of normal, the way I see it there is normal and then there is better and worse than, and for me dieting and the behavior and thoughts that go along with it are definitely on the worse side. I envision the better than normal side as being strong and muscular, a functional happy body that can do more than I ever imagined. I also see myself being semi-vegetarian, having a compost pile, recycling, and taking canvas bags to the grocery. Worse than normal obsesses about her body and its perceived flaws; she is weak and in mental anguish much of the time-worrying about how “bad” she was for eating that cookie once in the last few weeks or having those two celebratory drinks. Worse than is less than, and she knows it well. This is why she gets sick from stress, from pressure to be perfect, self esteem is low and dependent on the scale or a hoped for comment that never comes from people that have no idea it even matters to her."


I may have posted this when I wrote it back in April of 07 but I couldn't find it looking back. Interesting. It is always weird when I come across things I wrote and I don't remember doing it-easy to recognize my writing style though. I am so glad I am definitely on the better than normal side, or at least on my way.

I'm working on a research paper that is due wednesday that I've left until last minute. I was able to test my new found skills (listening to my own body) Saturday night and even did fairly well with it in regards to alcohol, something that at times (many times) has not been easy for me. I think I've braved all my old anxiety causing situations and come out unscathed.
Today I found out my dad is taking pills again and I am having a worse case of munchies than usual but nothing outrageous.
I am okay, I won't let him drag me down this time. It's nice to really like myself again.
I'll post as I'm able, I'm reading when I can, take care all you wonderful people.

If I keep waiting to post until I have the time/ability to type out everything that has gone though/is going through my mind it will never happen.
I believe so strongly in the idea of eating intuitively that I plan to not only do my senior seminar on it, but to also base my practice around it once I become a registered dietitian. This will be quite controversial in my school as the non diet approach is still not widely accepted in the dietetics community though it was briefly mentioned in the obesity/weight management chapter last semester. The professor said, 'some RDs have found great success with this method" barely explained, and then moved on to weighing, food tracking and calorie counting.
In the intense tidal wave of emotional revolution I experienced when finally getting it recently I wanted to behave like a zealot and convert anyone and everyone around me and to proclaim dieting to be harmful for everyone. I forget that not everyone stays on "a diet" for years at a time, spinning their wheels and getting further bogged down and lowering their self esteem. Some people don't seem to be negatively affected by this behavior (constant restriction, self flagellation, etc) but I must say I believe it is a smaller percentage.
Eating intuitively is not about abusing your body. If you think it means never making positive nutrition choices for yourself again or contiuing to binge without investigating what is triggering the abusive actions, please look further inward. I am not an expert at this point, I do not have all the answers, nor do I think you are a depraved lunatic if you prefer to count what you eat and rely on external cues to determine what and how much and when you eat. I do believe however, that learning to trust yourself, trust your body and trust your judgement is a crucial step in truly loving and accepting yourself. Do only what you can see yourself doing the rest of your life, happily.
I've gone through a bit of grieving over the way I've treated myself the last few years and even now it hurts inside, and it is startling how insidiously the damage was wrought. I am well versed on the science side of things, I never ate below 1200 kcals a day, I got lots of protein and vitamins, etc etc. I drank my water, I worked out like a machine, I turned away artery clogging "treats". The MENTAL aspect of holding rigid control, feeling low when it slipped, pushing, pushing always pushing, never happy with myself for long, never reaching the mythical perfection...it nearly broke me. I can see that now. I sat in our bed one night and just sobbed, so angry I did that to myself. The clinical symptoms related to semi starvation are me down to every last one of them, if not all, nearly so. Since letting go I no longer feel so angry or irritable or impatient or stretched so, pardon the word, thin.
Positive things came out of it, I learned to cook and to love doing so. I found a profession that I think I can use to be a positive influence on the world, especially women. I started this blog and met people that are amazing-strong, intelligent, funny women. I learned I love yoga and riding my bike and a host of other activities. Now I can move further towards the shiny happy end of the spectrum.

My little one is very sick, caught the cold my husband got that I think I have been fighting somewhere deep in the Land of the Forgotten Sinuse Passages (aka way up in my noggin' somewhere).
Did an hour of yoga the other night and felt great but have yet to do it again even though I have had the desire just because of my time constraints. Doing the clinical rotation thing wears me out though not as badly as before and I have projects all coming due, only a few weeks left in the semester. I've stopped beating myself up if I can't work out as much as I want to, I know I'll be waaaaay more active when things slow down a bit and I'll just do the best I can right now.
I've had some struggled lately with food and trusting myself to do the right thing and there's lots I need to explore on here but I just can't right now. My little guy just wants me to hold him and it is so pitiful-wish I could make him better. If I haven't mentioned it, thank you to everyone that has been commenting-I get so excited when I see someone left me a note, I wish I was better at responding immediately. Please reference time constraints and management issues.

eep! How do the days just fly by without real time for me to post anything? Tuesday and then again today I've been experiencing weird hot flash type fever feelings and my balance has been really out of whack, the floor feels like it is moving some times when I am just standing around, it really got bad when I was standing in the doorway of a patients room looking at his chart but I think I played it off. Tuesday I just got extra rest and felt pretty good yesterday, good enough to knock out 30 minutes on the elliptical last night (which did NOT squeak by the way, yay) and then it just hit me hard out of nowhere this afternoon. I had to skip out on the DD@ meeting (the local dietetic association)which disappoints me, my friends were all going, it was at the restaurant we had our rehearsal dinner at and dinner is free and two great speakers on diabetes were scheduled. I can't help feeling all crazy though and when I feel badly I just want to go home, I hate sitting somewhere feeling ill.
My son has just redecorated the entire living room floor with toys in an effort to get my attention and so once again, this is cut short. At least I got something out...

I'm back in Dallas and had a great weekend and feel happy. Lots to talk about but for now I have to do some last minute studying for my Foodservice mgmt exam this morning.

M@rla you may think your comment didn't add anything but it surely did and I wish I had the time to really think it out and respond but I will say something simple and rather controversial to some: I do think diets are disordered and the wrong way to go. Becoming a dietitian gives me a slightly different perspective on everything, notice I said different and not better. I kind of think it gives me even more to think about because I have to decide what I'll do with patients and clients and I can't with good conscious put them on a diet plan, even the most healthy wonderful plan tends to fail eventually because we are not made to live that way. I don't think nutrition should go totally out the window but artificial rules to govern such a naturally process can only work short term from what I have seen myself and what I have read. There is so much to say about this and you can trust I'll be saying it over the next...however long it takes to think it out.
I ordered a few books from Amazon, one of them being Intuitive Eating by two RD's (what I will be) that I had seen mentioned here and there on the web. I've only read a little bit but I like what I am seeing so far and have to say I agree. It is also great for me to read how they figured things out from a professional standpoint and I can say I am leaning more and more towards the same direction. I even asked my sister-in-law if she would be interested in setting up shop with me (she's a psychologist) to treat eating disorders and educate the public on nutritional and mental health, maybe teach cooking classes for low income folks, provide groceries etc. That would have to be way down the road, it usually takes a big org to do things like that, I don't know right now I am dreaming.
I felt trapped before, now the future is wide open.

LME, Thank you for sharing with me, once again I feel like I have support and received shared wisdom from keeping this blog and in "the real world" it doesn't always come so easily. I am happy to say I've made some genuine friends over the last few years but the great thing with a blog is really getting into some one else's thoughts, the things that maybe they won't say out loud. I don't think I'll announce to people out of the blue (which is my usual MO when I decide things or am trying something etc) that I have a problem caused by dieting and my personality type, and as a result I could end up feeling very isolated but I don't. Thanks to everyone out there silent or not.
I mirror checked a bit more than I would like yesterday. People that don't know might think it was vanity, admiration on a constant basis when in actuality it's checking your status, "Stomach flat enough?" no "Hips wide?" etc. I never realized I was doing exactly that, I mean I never felt like I had a laundry list of flaws but I can't lie and say it was really a positive thing either. I weighed myself yesterday. I don't think that weighing has to be an evil thing if you don't attach emotions to it, which is easier said than done. I didn't emotionally react yesterday so it wasn't necessarily a good thing to do in this early stage of healing but it wasn't terrible either. I wanted to weigh myself because my jeans pulled on over my hips with the button fastened and I've been eating whenever I want and whatever I want so I became very curious to see if I had lost weight. That was my big misstep, it doesn't matter if I've lost weight as that is no longer my focus-a small part of me cannot help but want to know since my behaviors feel so positive now, so WHAT DO I WEIGH?
Ack.
Went out to dinner, I wanted to see how eating mindfully would go in that setting. In the old days I would sort of dread going out even though we did all the time because I really enjoy it and yet I would wrestle with myself over what choice I would make and if I would order what I really wanted or not. I usually did not. I ordered exactly what I wanted and ended up eating only about an eighth of what I would have in the past, including an appetizer. I did not restrict myself I just ate slowly and paid attention to each bite and chewed a whole bunch. I have realized I didn't use to breathe when I was eating I went so fast. I am learning how to chew and breathe without choking. Wow.
I adore food, most dietitians do. I also adore cooking which not all of us do and I am so happy to have made friends with it again, and for good. I desperately want my friends and family to join me in my new found thinking and doing but I am displaying amazing maturity and patience (the last one is usually hard for me) in not trying to force things on anyone. Force seems harsh, I usually persuasively campaign. Haha.
We're going to the in laws this weekend and I am not apprehensive about food for once, I know I can trust myself to take care of my body now and I am working on the mind/soul aspect. I have also suggested we have a party the weekend after that and cook out and make margaritas in the fancy blender I got two Christmases ago, it has a drink spout and everything, only used it to make protein shakes. *I am making a face.
Onward!

PS Fell down while carrying my son yesterday to the car and jerked my shoulder something awful trying to protect him so we'll see what I can do workout wise-I wanted to do upper body today but I might do yoga, feels like a yoga kinda day.

My workout today will not break any records but I enjoyed it and I truly did it just because I wanted to, not to lose weight which is huge in my mind. I cannot express enough how wonderful I feel to be free of my disordered thinking. I've known for several years now that I had gone beyond innocently starting a diet but it has taken me a long time to admit it, and I still haven't said anything to anyone in person. I'm not sure if I will or when I will and part of that is because I think they would tell me, "You don't have an eating disorder" blah blah and that would drive me insane. Just because I haven't revealed half the shit that goes through my head and the things I do does not mean it is okay to try and make your SELF feel better about having a sick daughter/wife/friend/sister etc. I am getting better and I will continue to but I don't need anyone backing me in to a corner making me feel like I have to make a case for why I strongly feel that I went past diet, did not collect $200 and got myself a damned eating disorder. I don't want to classify things or defend things here either but trust me, reading detailed information about binge eating disorder, bullemia where the form of purging is restriction, and other things like EDNOS are me to a T for the most part. They didn't use to be, before I started WW I didn't do any of the sad, twisted up punishing things or have the negative thoughts about myself. I remember in high school filling out one of those surveys about self esteem and actually having to make up something I didn't like about myself just so I wouldn't be the well adjusted misfit. How funny in a completely non humorous way.
I have been able to drop 99% of the behaviors and thinking so far, I'm afraid it will try and come back but I'm going to fight it off no matter what. I keep telling myself I can eat anything I want and how much I want and it is working because I actually mean it this time. No fear of being fat, no pinching my flesh constantly, no daily weighing, no constant mirror checks, no feeling inferior in a group of skinnier women...I'm tired and I can't even think straight.
I am so happy that I am accepting myself and getting back to being me.
The elliptical started squeaking at 10 minutes this time, I battled it out until about 23 minutes stopping and starting a few times to try and spray WD40 on any joint I could find which did not help. It is driving me batty that I WANT to do cardio for the first time in my life, that I am finding it fun and the durn machine is going haywire. I also did lower body weights and instead of trying to kill the bottom half of my body to burn more calories and build muscle to burn more calories etc. I just did what I wanted to do and it was so freeing. I finished up with dancing.

22 minutes elliptical 300 calories burned: damn good workout on its own but I am especially happy about it since the machine started doing its ear piercing thing at 15 minutes this time instead of 20 and my son gave me trouble the entire time. I wanted to keep going so much but he just was NOT going to take a nap so I finally announced,"You can always do a second workout tonight if you want" and went inside. I was listening to him on the monitor and went and checked on him several times and had a talk with him each visit and then when I went back in for the third time the smell hit me as soon as I got past the door. "Did you have a poo poo?" "Yeah! I poo poo'd in my pull up!"
Son this is not something to be proud of, sigh.
So he is up and watching Thomas the Train movie for the 4th time today and I am cooling off before we both go get in the shower and go to the store. That should be fun with a non napping two year old but we are out of dish soap, salad fixings and I need more baking yeast to make more bread. The last batch came out poorly, at least in appearance so I re-read the recipe and saw it made a 2 lb loaf and mine is a 1 lber I believe. Woops. Also, the yeast was pretty old so I'm going to try again. I've had the bread machine for a few yrs now but rarely used it since fresh baked bread was a "weakness" for me. Fuck that.
Also made a workout mix for the first time today and was happily jamming away to that and still had plenty left to go, maybe tonight depending on how I feel. My mind keeps turning to doing a race or something, I'm not sure what I would do, even the elliptical aggravates my left knee but I know there is some thing I can do.

Some changes I'm making starting....now I suppose:
Plan out weekly menus but make it even more predictable than before-like chicken on certain nights, fish on certain nights, veggie meals, out to eat every Thursday-whatever. I know lots of people do this but I never have, and I wonder why I get stressed. For some reason I have it in my head that I have to come up with something new and exciting all the time but I'm willing to give this a go. Not to say it will be the same meals each time but at least I'll know what to plan off for each day.
When I said I was going to stop trying to lose weight I meant that, but of course I am not letting go of good nutrition.
I'm going to stop being so rigid with my workout schedules-I think this drives me away eventually so I'm just going to maybe think of a short list of things I can do each day and just pick one-I may even write them on paper and draw them out of a jar. Won't be a cookie jar since we don't have one of those, haha.
Just completed a good workout, which is amazing since I just sat here and realized my mind kept flashing back to wanting to do cardio so I finally got up, changed clothes and went out there and did it. I also ended up doing a complete upper body weights workout too, then came inside and added two sets with my elastic bands and the door stopper. It bugs me not having the assisted chin up machine at home, I feel like I get my back so much better in the gym so I'm going to start adding the lat pull downs with the bands on those days, maybe some more band exercises too.
Remember when my goal was to curl 20 lbs per arm for a full set? Well I started each curl set tonight with 19 lbs so I'm getting close. I had to knock it down some to complete the ten reps each time but it can't be that far away. I also went WAY up on the standing tricep extension, I can remember when I just used 6.5 lbs and tonight I used 21.5 (my dumbbells are weird, hence weird numbers). Using 70 lbs total now for the flyes on my bench, that's a definite improvement too, I wish I could get my back stronger but since I hate doing back sets that's a hindrance. Once again, wish I had the chin up machine at home, or hell let's dream big and say I wish I could do chin ups with NO assistance. Some day. I also did 22 minutes on our elliptical before getting really pissed off at the durn thing for squeaking loud enough to wake the neighbors no matter how many times I shot it with WD40. I can't figure it out but it is ear piercing and cramped my style big time. The idea when I got on there was to just go as long as I physically could because I have never done that. I always watch the clock tick by and it is torture or I'm doing intervals for a prescribed amount of time or whatever, this time I wanted to see how long I could go if I took away the head games and I surprised myself a bit. 20 minutes on our elliptical feels like an eternity most of the time but I know I could have kept going. At the gym the elliptical machines feel really easy and I can dance away on them forever but ours is much tougher-my husband says it is the stride, he doesn't like it as much as the gym ones but what do you expect for something I got on sale from Academy Sports? It gets the job done.
No calories burned listed because I could NOT find my HRM watch even though I was wearing the chest strap. Of course when I was putting the elastic band up I moved some clothes laying on the bed and there it was...sigh.
I'm going to be tracking my exercise in sparkpeople but not food. Being truly fit is my goal now, not being smaller.

I'm going in a whole 'nother direction after getting so blue the other night and reading various things around the net. I say it's a different direction but in reality it is one I've visited before, just didn't stick with it out of fear.
I'm talking about learning to trust myself to make good decisions and to respect myself more instead of punishing. It's amazing how little I am hungry or even think about food when it is not off limits.
I know I've said this before, several times in fact, and I may falter again but I am not 100% convinced that no longer trying to lose weight is the answer for me to be a happier person. If you know me at all you know that doesn't mean free for all crap eating and no activity-that's not me anymore so why do I think I can't be trusted and further more why have I been so afraid of gaining weight? Will it matter if I'm no longer this size, if I never get to a smaller one? Hell no it won't. I'm sorry I had a Spartan birthday out of misguided ideas but each day is a new one and here I go. I'm starting to realize why I had a pretty badass body in high school despite my serious lack of nutritional knowledge and lack of exercise-I didn't have disordered thinking like every other girl I knew. I didn't care what size I was or how much I weighed and I never restricted food-just ate what I wanted and only rarely overate-we were way too poor to go out to eat even weekly so even Burger King was a treat to me. When I got to an income comfortable enough to go out any time the mood struck it became a thing to take for granted and the overeating continued, just all the time instead of a rare thing. I didn't sleep much and worked on my feet and unloaded freight trucks-before that I walked a LOT without a car, played in the woods even before that and was always outside. My lifestyle was just totally different, I guess I was the opposite of what I hear about today (lower economic families being heavier, etc.) We didn't have chips or sodas or candy or any of that nonsense-no money for that. My mom served meat, two veggies and a slice of bread with margarine and we drank iced tea all the time that was barely sweetened. There you go-no breakfast either most of the time and when I started working I had to provide my own lunches (15 yrs old on).
I think I completely lost my train of thought but I don't want to read back through this.
I want salads and water and fruit and lean meats and fresh seafood etc etc etc. Stuff that added the extra weight is not my cup of tea anymore for the most part and I move my ass quite a bit more than I did when this whole thing started. It's time to focus on being happier and to stop trying to meet a ridiculous ideal. My health is excellent and I'm tired of being miserable for vanity's sake.

I think this is a record for me, I'm not sure how many posts total for the day but I know most of it was negative. I want to change the way I am feeling and thinking before I just spiral further downward-my mind is a powerful thing no matter which direction it goes.
The problem is when I get like this (which unfortunately is too often for my liking) I feel helpless and miserable and think things like, "why can't I just be happy or do other people deal with this like I do?" In reality I know that at least I have long stretches where I am okay and others have it much, much worse. Hard to keep that in mind when I am dealing with things but I know it to be true.
My gut is telling me I need to baby this leg until I am sure it is okay, it may feel fine in the morning but I tweaked it pretty badly. Step ups at the gym are doable, not on my bench at home apparently, it is just too high and my hip flexors are too tight. I should have listened to my body when it told me that but I just kept going-trying to "save" my crappy day. I felt like I was failing myself by missing my workout and so I pushed it and ended up possibly knocking my ability out for several days. Hopefully it won't be that bad, I have to think positively.
I had a mindless eating problem for a few hrs today, just kept putting empty calories in my mouth and then a bunch of a cheese/prosciutto/basil roll on top of the high sodium lunch I had when I wasn't even hungry. Not horrible in the big scheme of things but not good-I could tell I felt weird and I can now identify when I am having a day like this that usually manifests in food abuse but I still don't know how to combat it.
Possible ideas: Go do something that engages my mind completely that doesn't involve food, not sure what this would be but I think it would be a good idea. The proximity defense regarding food and also maybe it would lift my crazy mood.
Okay that's really all I can think of right now-I really don't know what else I could do-my husband tells me to think of all the good things I have which just makes me feel worse like I am ungrateful or broken. I can't control these feelings coming on and awareness in that moment of all the things I have that I seem to be not appreciating is not helpful.
I may wake up tomorrow and feel fine, I never know how it will go. I'll reassess as far as workouts go when I see how my leg is doing then.

Oh man, I'm sitting here icing my right quad after sucking it up and going out to the garage to try and workout after all. I was anticipating coming back here and writing that I did it despite craziness going through my head all day and now I am just disappointed. At least I tried.
Tonight's really abbreviated workout: 150 calories burned.

After riding high on optimism for days now I am really struggling today, I think it all tracks back to my energy levels and how I am exhausted most of the time by existing in a constant state of stress. Inner voices right now are urging me to eat something terrible tonight and to have a drink or two or three...weird how I can feel on top of the world for days on end and then get really tired or have a crappy day and I sink down into the swamp.
I wanted to write this because it is not all roses or easy even when it seems like it is-I doubt I'll get in my legs workout today, I feel really OFF physically, not sure how to put it-like I'm on another planet. This is not entirely new, this happens to me periodically and I think the ability to climb back on the proverbial horse is the important thing here. I hate the idea that I fought my way through the weekend and felt really proud of that and now I am failing and I don't have a strong desire to stop the damage.

I did it. I effectively maintained over my birthday weekend while eating away from home three times and attending two major sporting events, usually death traps for weight loss. I'm up a few ounces but I will definitely take that, this is the first weekend in a long time that I haven't been up a good bit, bloated and fighting my way back down. On top of that a major excuse zone (birthday) and I am feeling pretty pleased.
In two weekends we go to Tulsa for Easter and that will be a major challenge. I would like to be 150 or lower by then but we will see if that happens. Either way I'm sticking with my workouts and good eating. Before we leave I'll make up a game plan and post that here, I know there are plenty of others out there that have to deal with well meaning (we hope) saboteurs to our healthy lifestyles. Drinking will be the main thing that will be hard to resist without rocking the boat. It's my choice and my body and my life though in the end.
Legs today with 30 min cardio-if I can't do it during the day I'll hit our garage "gym" as soon as my Husband gets home.

I haven't been back on here because today is my birthday and we've been busy all weekend.
First off, M@rla I really appreciate the encouragement, to hear my efforts are impressive from someone that impresses me always makes my day.
On the workout front, I sort of took Friday as a rest day (after legs on Thursday which are still a teeny bit sore today) though I did some housework like vacuuming the whole house and laundry and just stuff that had me on my feet quite a bit. Nothing major though but I was so worn out by bedtime that I was delirious and laughing at anything and everything. Saturday I drove to my campus gym which was a first for me, I've never gone up there just to workout without having something else to do school related. Did the same upper body workout from last Tuesday but of course increased the weight or reduced the assistance where applicable (chin ups and dips). I was pretty impressed with the progress I made in that area but it just makes sense that I should be able to do better each time on that since my own body weight is decreasing and I am getting stronger. If there is less of me I of course need less assistance to do these exercises. Regardless, I improved on pretty much everything but it was irritating they don't have in between dumbbells, only 5 lb increments. I really need 17.5s to do the dumbbell bench press but they don't have that and the 20s were too much after the three sets of chin ups. I'm pretty sure I could do the 20s if I was starting fresh instead of already fatigued a bit.
Today I walked for an hour again. Yes, on my birthday-I felt it was a good way to start a new year for me and I said I wanted to do it Saturday so I made sure to follow through even though my husband and son were napping and we had a great brunch just a bit earlier. As far as eating goes which is usually terrible on my birthday weekends I did really well, didn't even have a whole drink despite many many opportunities and ate very little food "off" program and I don't feel deprived by that whatsoever. I had bites of high calorie foods but stuck to good for me stuff almost entirely. No more back tracking for me damnit.
On calories burned: Saturday's workout:680 and today's walk around 500 again but I had to throw some brief running in to the walk to get that number. I wanted to mention that, after only one rotation of my workouts I improved enough in a cardiovascular sense that even though I felt that I pushed and I raised the weights on pretty much everything I burned fewer calories. So: good-I am more efficient already (amazing!) and boo-I burn fewer calories and have to step it up even MORE. ARGH! I think one reason I burned higher numbers last week was the extra fluid I was toting around that I sloughed off and just jumping back into hard workouts after comparative non-activity.
Something I am doing differently this time around and forever as far as I am concerned is drinking a post workout shake on weight lifting days-equal carbs and protein within an hour after my workout. I have noticed a difference in a very short time period and am excited to see what is in store for me.
Right after I posted about the scale I woke up 2 lbs lighter and have no idea where I'm at lb. or BF % either one at this point.

I'm a smart gal, a realist most of the time and have quite a bit of knowledge stowed away regarding nutrition and fitness. This does not stop me from being a tiiiiiny bit unhappy that I am working out hardcore and eating well and not showing a loss after three days (I did two workouts on two of those days so in my mind I keep wanting to convert that to 5 workouts). This is ridiculous, the scale is not a good reflection and I am aware of that and trust me this does not make me want to derail or anything negative. It just bugs me that I am finally kicking it into gear again and "nothing" is happening. I haven't taken measurements or anything like that and a few days is not generally enough to feel a difference in my clothes but it is just irritating. Perhaps this is just how it goes when you workout a lot and eat modestly, my super hero friend M@rla may suffer from this as the damned scale was not a friend despite honest hard work towards weight loss. I do see the numbers fall if I do daily walks and have a really tight reign on calories and sodium but which would I choose: muscles and a tighter body though not a lower number on the scale or little muscle and a flat ass. Really, it's not even a choice but an easy path to see.
Today is supposed to be a walk or yoga day, I gotta get some type of recovery level calorie burning in but I just don't know where that fits-there's tons of snow outside and my schedule at school does not allow a visit to the gym there. I gotta do SOMEthing, maybe I'll handwash the kitchen floor and other things like that. While wearing my HRM of course, I am a nerd after all.

As of this morning: 154.6 lbs, 33% BF, 47.5 on hydration. I've been at 32% BF (at a 48 hydration) for so damn long I want that to drop, forget the weight number. If the weight stays exactly the same and the BF goes down I will dance a jig in the street. On a positive note though, the fancy pants scale at the Plano hospital I've seen some clients at showed me to be about 65% muscle. That was about twice the amount of the other student I was working with, not that I am sitting around comparing myself to her but it was a good feeling to hear that number. Hopefully I can check that again after I continue on my workout schedule for a couple months.
Oh yeah back to the snow, this is Texas. We just don't.do.snow. Actually as far as I'm concerned snow is great but ice is not and while I may drive safely the other people do not, especially idiots in non 4 wheel drive pickups with no weight put in the bed. Fishtail anyone? I wish I had time to really bundle up and go across the street to play in the park.

Tuesday's Workout:
800 kcal burned
ABABAB (so 3 sets)
CDCDCD
EFEFEF format
AB-assisted pullups/dumbbell bench press
CD-assisted dips/dumbbell curls
EF-dumbbell standing shoulder press/dumbbell Yate's Row
30 min cardio

I am STILL sore but not in a hurt something way, just in a kicked my own ass kind of way.

Wednesday's Workout:
500 kcal burned
60 minute walk at quick pace thru park across the street which tends to be fairly hilly. No hard cardio as I don't want to hamper recovery, I am seriously sore this is not me taking it easy, and besides walking that much wasn't necessarily easy either.

Today's Workout:
730 kcal burned
ABABAB
CDCDCD
EC
format again, this time leg day.
AB-step ups/dumbbell deadlifts (one set of walking lunges then switched to step ups)
CD-calf raise/leg press
E-hamstring curl
Then another set of calf raises since I went way to easy on the weight starting out.
30 min cardio.
I feel like I am leaving something out, whether I am or not my legs are telling me I didn't REALLY leave anything out.
The men in the gym really started pissing me off, I'm not looking in the mirror to admire myself jackass-I'm watching my knees to make sure I stay straight coming back up in the dead lift and I really don't appreciate you standing directly in front of my reflection when the entire rest of the place is empty. It almost seemed like they did it on purpose, I can always tell the guys in the weight area (at least at the uni gym) are used to dominating the free weights area. By dominating I mean they merely exist in greater numbers than the females, not that they are actually showing anything great, standing around and sitting on the benches reading magazines seemed to be the order of today. I don't think I am better than anyone by any means but there blatant disregard of me and my efforts was completely uncool.
On the nutr front I'm avoiding starchy carbs in my last two mini meals of the day-opting for a lean protein and lots of veggies and maybe a little grapefruit. This just started Tuesday so too soon to really examine results but I am feeling good about it and myself in general. I'm still really tired, I'm still pressed for time but I'm working out and going full out. I hope that if I can push through the constant fatigue I can gain some energy. My main problems are the life of a student in my program is extremely sedentary by nature and I have finally realized I don't sleep deeply enough, the only time I really feel rested is if I take a sleep aid so I don't wake up over and over. So, gotta work on these things but I feel that I am now.
Oh, I'm also taking Claritin daily along with a women's multi and B complex and starting fish oil. Fish oil is one of the few supps that my profession approves of and the rest of it? I've examined the multi and even if it is useless I can afford it and the iron at least should help. I have indents halfway through my fingernails right now and am prone to iron deficiency bordering on anemia but I don't believe I need an iron supp at this point. M@rla has really helped me through reading her own experiences to see that I too react really badly to allergens in the air and so taking the Claritin daily is helping with that as well.
Hope all is well for everyone, just had to update even if it's mainly stats and not too deep. It's been so infrequent I actually had to redo my login to post. Yikes.

Today I am refocused and ready to go, yesterday was a real struggle, I ate to the point of wanting to barf AGAIN after just doing that the night before.
Anyway, I am dressed for the gym and will be hitting it after class for upper body weights and 30 minutes cardio. Wednesday...I'll have to think about that-don't want to slow recovery down but I am thinking 60 minutes yoga and then Thursday I'll do lower body and 30 minutes cardio. Friday...busy schedule so maybe just a walk.
Back later, toddler is throwing his body against the wall.

Life is just really getting in my way right now. I wanted to say thank you to everyone that stopped by and left a comment and anyone out there that doesn't comment but stops by anyway (as long as you don't come here to insult me through the monitor). It always blows me away when people (you guys) leave me a comment because you're all engaging wonderful writers and I get a little star struck. This may seem weird but I am socially awkward. Ahem.
Lifted weights again for the first time in several weeks. I've not been inactive mind you (except for during the numerous bouts of sickness I endure on a regular basis)but I've been focusing on yoga rather than free weights and now my interest in weight lifting is peaking once more. I don't want to do AWAY with yoga though, I truly love it and think it is amazing but I have a hard time fitting in both, my mindset wars between the two and for some reason it's like getting a cat and dog to live in harmony with each other. The cat stretches gracefully on the back of the couch and the dog lumbers into the glass sliding door and both are enjoyable. My cat and dog DO live quite well with each other so I know I can get there.
Something else I've concluded is that trying to force myself to adhere to the same activity, sometimes even for a few days at a time, is a losing battle. I embrace change, I crave it and feel stifled when forced into monotony. Some would call it being fickle or flighty but this is just the way I am wired. I am not the person that leaves their home decorated the same way for years, you will not find pictures with the same hairstyle for maybe more than a few months period at a time and the way I dress used to change on a daily basis but now goes more on a few month to a year cycle. I like variety in all things, my ideal would be to swim one day, rock climb another, bike ride and play raquetball, weight train and do yoga, kayak-you name it but different all the time. This is also why being vegetarian did not work for me. I hate being locked into a box and while I know I can enjoy it in cycles the idea of something being forbidden to me for the rest of my life chaps my ass. I lasted two months before succumbing to a turkey sandwich and then I had the best spicy chicken sandwich combo from Wendy's of my life. I was literally giddy to be eating it which is funny since it has no lie, been years since going through a drive thru establishment. I am well aware you can have quite a variety in vegetarian dishes but in order to do that I was putting in a lot of time I just don't have at this point. I know I'll cycle back around to eating veggie and obsessing over yoga but for now I'm back in a meat eating (within reason) and weight lifting phase.
I'd be a lot happier if I would just stop trying to force my square peg self into round holes.

LME, thanks for the kind words, it has been quite a few past days, let me tell you. You have to let me tell you because it's my blog. Ahem. Stress mounted up big time with projects and programs that didn't save my work despite my repeated clicking of the save button and then Friday....Friday I got seriously ill, had to jump up in the middle of a guest lecture and oh the details of woe I could relate but I'll just let you know I left school without even telling any professors, crawled in to bed shaking, skin hurting, and commenced to being sick up until today with a violent stomach virus that left me six lbs lighter in only about three days. Not good people. Saturday night was hell, oh man, but last time I had this I ended up in the hospital (I am not a good little puker/pooper, I take it to the extreme apparently) and so this time getting to stay in my own bed was a bonus. I missed essentially three days of class though so that is big time boo hiss.
Tomorrow is my first day of ambulatory care, and what that means is I meet with a client (rather than patient in the hospital) and do a 45 minute counseling session with her. This is cool but scary considering I've never done that before and I'm graded. Bah, whatever, anything is better than what I've dealt with lately.
I've barely been able to eat and walk so just cleaning house today a bit was a big improvement, anxiously awaiting getting back to yoga etc.
PS I ate several turkey sandwiches, the only thing that would do. More on that later.

Today was so horrible I thought it would surely do me in, and I am not even coming at you from a dieting perspective, I refer to sanity itself.
I'm not going to detail things out, I just get worked up all over again but I am going to go fall into an exhausted sleep in order to trudge through one more day.
I desperately want to work out and to eat nice food and yet I am dealing with migraines from stress and eating nothing but nutrition bars (I had 3 of them today, NO NO NO) and I just want time to be well and to feel good and...
BAH
It is extremely helpful to read about others carrying on though so please do just that and when I have a spare moment to do the ol' inhale/exhale thingie I'll be reading.
Have not succeeded in doing yoga three hrs a week since I started striving for that, only 2 hrs a week for the last several but that is better than nothing and I've been battling fatigue that usually sends me into a full blow sick episode. I'm holding on and the last of the creamy southwestern ranch dip is gone.

The End.

Kada! Yes please send me recipes, any time, all the time. *grin

Beyond exhausted, spent the weekend in Houston (Texas for those not in the know) and had a blast. Must update with details when possible.
For now I am done with homework and ready to fall in to bed, the plan is to be up before sunrise in order to do yoga and ride the train to school.
Damn I am tired.
I'm going now or I'll just repeat variations of how tired I am and even though I'm sure that would be endlessly entertaining, I gotta save something for tomorrow.

Still around and will try to stop in tonight-right now I am supposedly studying for an exam that I have at ten.

Good plan? No, but I'll pull it off and learn from my semi-idiocy and do better next time. Still doing yoga, still eating vegetarian, still scheduled to the hilt. Made another great recipe out of the Moosewood cookbook, I'll definitely post about those later.

Thanks Crabby! Glad to see you stopped by, love your page. I drove my husband nuts reading archives and laughing and then he'd want to know what was so funny and my answer of whatever health study and your pithy comments didn't seem to do it for him the same way. Ah well, no accounting for tastes, except for mine which are impeccable right?
Anyway, yes I think yoga gets a bad rap because people think it is only for flexibility. The thing is, it can cover so many different goals and you really get what you put out of it. There are also so many different types that what one person tries is not necessarily what someone else is doing and you can do the same sequence at so many different fitness levels.
For instance, take the Warrior II pose. barely bending your front leg and not focusing on each body part, turning completely and tightening your arms, dropping the shoulder blades, etc. etc. will not get you very far. Transitioning from Upward Facing Dog to Downward Facing Dog was a real challenge for me for a long time but now that I can do it and I don't wimp out on the form it is a great strength maneuver for my legs and back both. My quads tremble practically everytime just from that one move. Okay one more link and I'll stop with the linky-ness. This pose was beyond me for so long because I held myself back from even trying it but once I did I felt amazing. I can now do it three times in a row, two times deepening the pose as the page I linked suggests at the bottom of the comments. I had no idea that was a modification, that is how I learned to do it and I can now get in to the pose, hold it and fully extend my arms and legs even though it involves some deep breathing on my part. It used to kill my wrists but now they are barely sore.
I love yoga, is it obvious?

I think I could write 50 dubrillion posts about self image, feminism, and what we're passing on to our children but let's keep it light this morning, k? Crunched on time as per usual.
I have practiced yoga 5 times in the past week and a half (I do an hr long dvd, "power" yoga or vinyasa style, focused on strength) and my body is completely transforming in front of my eyes. My weight hasn't done much but the changes are so drastic I could care less. I can wear all of my pants again, including the smallest pair that I thought maybe I would give away to my mom. I am still up at least five pounds from my usual hangout weight and yet here I am easily pulling on clothes that wouldn't even close two weeks ago. It's incredible and proves that for me focusing on the scale would be a bad idea right now. I am still tracking weight, body fat% and hydration level each morning but it doesn't affect me emotionally. I can wear pants that hit low on the hips without anything hanging over, something I don't think I've done...honestly I don't remember when, it is a weird feeling.
I realized that when I feel really tight and strong and good about myself I want to go out to eat or go to parties because I want to go out in public while it lasts. That's the key part, "while it lasts", I end up destroying it because I think I need to go out and party is some short window while I have the kind of body I want because I won't be able to keep it. That attitude is going out the window, being vegetarian and getting serious about yoga is changing my life.
I've made two fantastic recipes I will share soon, but for now I need to work on school related things. Oh! Speaking of school, things are happening on that front. I'll be on the local news at some point (I don't think I've mentioned that here)talking about eating well on a budget, and next Friday my husband and I are flying to Houston so I can accept an award I received from a prestigious health professional organization. I get to do the fancy pants banquet thing, hopefully dress up, and also get an $1,000 cash award. Yesterday our speaker in class was from a company here in Dallas that also has a location in Tulsa, she gave me her card when I mentioned I might be interested when I graduate. That would be awesome!
Gotta go.

I felt like I should post the conversation I've been having with some of my friends as it touches the tip of an iceburg that I feel strongly about. This was my comment in response to a friend that feels embarrassed that she has committed to losing weight and really feels ready to do so.

"Some times we feel that we're "buying in" to something unsavory when we start taking care of our bodies, as if only our size matters and the fashion/beauty industry is right. Making a commitment to YOURSELF and about yourself is not the same thing in my opinion. That is not to say I don't understand the feeling and I have experienced it myself, just that taking steps towards achieving your idea of your best self has a lot of emotions tied in to it and it's not an easy ride. Honestly, I feel the biggest thing that helped me lose a good amount of weight twice is the internet (resources) and blogging (support). It really helps to have others cheering you on or offering practical advice because they've been there too."

And then my lovely, wonderful sister-in-law responded: "'Some times we feel that we're "buying in" to something unsavory when we start taking care of our bodies, as if only our size matters and the fashion/beauty industry is right.'

damn. it's like a light bulb just went off in my head! i have always, always, always felt guilty about losing weight. wow. that's really mind-blowing. i wonder if that's part of why i allow myself to so quickly sabotage my healthy efforts - if i'm not losing weight & getting fit, i'm not buying into the magazines and the conventional stereotypes of attractiveness and all those other things that make people feel bad about themselves to sell more products. (of course, i DO buy into them because i judge myself by them and feel that i'm falling short while simultaneously railing against those ideas.)

wow. i'm feeling rather foolish right now."

And finally I answered and got a bit more than a little emotional about it. "I think it's only natural to rebel against the idea that women should be smaller, quieter, less of a presence, easier to forget, hedging towards non existence. To me that is what a great % of people, at least in the good ol' USA strive towards witht he desire to be so small as to be able to wear children's clothing. Distorted bodies with childlike shape if you ignore the painfully stretched skin across their implants. Rail against that, please do and I will join you. For years I liked to say I ate anything that tasted good to me and that was my only requirement and you'll never see me ordering a salad in a restaurant, that's for THOSE girls, not someone real like me. I came to realize I wasn't doing myself any favors, the one flight of stairs to my apt left me with burning lungs, my thighs chafed in the summer until close to bleeding, my acid reflux was so bad I started wearing lacerations in my stomach...I could go on but even though I never made it past around a 14 or so what I was doing to my health was terrible. My idea of what is sexy and beautiful is actually pretty far from what a lot of folks think. Most of the actresses on teevee look sick to me, for awhile I couldn't even watch a few shows because of the visible chest bones, referred to as "the ladder" by hollywood. Lovely to have a nickname for it, eh?
I'm trying hard to battle apologizing for myself all the time. My first tendency is to apologize for caring about what I eat or that I want to talk about yoga or riding my bike or just the fact that I talk a lot. I think women in general (sadly) feel the need to excuse ourselves to the world too often and it is my belief that the best thing we can do for ourselves is to stop being sorry."

Our challenge has started and it's not exactly going according to plan for me but that's okay, I am regrouping. I really, really, REALLY want to update but it has to wait, I'm so tired I literally cannot keep my eyes open. I had a big exam this morning and our SDA (student dietetic association) meeting that I had to cook a pan of enchiladas for today. I did cook an absolutely fantastic vegetarian pasta dish I will tell you about and I feel great about my plans and myself at the moment.
Dear blog, I promise to update you asap.

An attempt to catch back up:

"I'm sorry you're sick! I hate so much the way illness interferes with one's life, even more than the actual yucky feeling.

What's the deal with the sodium? Is there more salt in what you're eating, or are you adding salt?

I put salt on SO many things, which may seem surprising given how often I complain about salt in processed food, but the amount you sprinkle on your food is NOTHING compared to what's in those packaged products!!

I've got some of those Mrs. Dash seasonings, they're actually pretty good. I don't like the original flavor, so I was always put off by it, until I had some Lemon Pepper variety. Very tasty. "

Being sick again really kicked me in the ass, knocked me down and then spat on my face. Okay perhaps not THAT dramatic but it feels like it. Nevertheless I am truckin' on despite not being totally well. I am still horking up unmentionables everyday and waking up with extremely dry nasopharynx and oropharynx passages. Lots of blood in my snot, etc.
So enough snotty talk. The deal with the sodium is that a lot of cheeses and sauces have high sodium counts and while doing the units on cardiovascular disease at school (hypertension and heart failure especially) I freaked out over sodium content and became convinced as well that it was the reason I'm not losing this weight I've gained back. A simple calculation one night showed me still eating low sodium, which is probably representative of most of my days, so I'm not really sure why I can't lose it this time. There are also "light" salt and "no salt" salt products (potassium chloride or half sodium and half potassium chloride) on the market. In reality I am pretty good with my sodium levels but I am frustrated with the weight situation. I want to have the option of wearing any of my clothes and I don't like feeling so squishy. The few pounds I lost finally recently are back though I hope they don't hang around. The body is a mysterious confusing thing. I've lost weight before, several times in fact and so my frustration level shoots through the roof because why is it not going the same way this time? Why is it so much harder? Argh. I am moving towards a completely different point of view but I feel torn. It would take too much time to go into that and I barely got this eked out.

Started yoga again, still loving being a vegetarian, went to the Foo Fighter's show last night and sat in a luxury sweet, it was awesome. I'm not a huge fan and didn't expect it to be as great as it was, so glad to be pleasantly proven wrong.
I am still very

The day I wrote that last post I was out in the wind for an extended period of time and that night my ears were hurting and I could feel fluid building up-I tried fighting it off and was somewhat successful until Saturday. So I am sick again, pretty badly and in fact had to call in to school this morning which I hate to do.
I'm having a hard time keeping my sodium intake under control while eating vegetarian. Yes I know it can be done and probably fairly easily but I just have not been up to par lately and it's getting me down.
I want to feel like me again, in more ways than one. Life in general is going pretty well though, but I'm off for now due to my pounding head.

It's bizarre. I have more energy than I know what to do with for the first time in years and I am rarely hungry and when I do eat I feel satiated on very little food, and it is genuine because I have sat and waited to be hungry and experienced genuine surprise when I'm not.
And yet it is bugging me just a teeny tiny bit, way down inside and I am ashamed to admit it, that the scale reads the same and my pants are still really tight.
Even when I accept in a big way that I feel amazing, and that I know logically I am doing nothing to perpetuate the sausage casing pant situation, it is annoying and a little disheartening.
Never fear, I persevere!

Finally tired, haven't stopped all day really and no time to even hang out with the internets.
I ride the train tomorrow for the first time (an actual train, not drinking a 40 oz or doing 'caine)and I am excited and nervous. EEK!
Still veggie, still loving it. At what point do I say I'm vegetarian and people believe me? Apparently a week is laughable, also earned me the nickname of hippie. Thanks guys!

Still loving my new lifestyle, it spurred a lot of thinking about why I like it so much last night while going to bed. I start back to school today so I really don't have time for a well thought out entry as my alarm clock did not go off this morning for some reason.
Weight is starting to drop, who the hell knows why. I've been extremely physically active lately (redoing that room, whole body aching in the morning) and definitely not eating too many calories and only whole, healthful foods and it has done nothing but stay the same or go up. So much for "calories in/calories out".
I read on the Kate Harding post that M@rla linked to lately that "human beings are not bunsen burners" and I love that statement.
I start riding the train tomorrow for my commute so that means a lot of walking just as part of my normal day from here on out-at least most days. I am super excited about this-I could write a whole post.
But I won't, at least for now.

I've gone up to 155 and pretty much stayed there for weeks now, I was hanging out at 145-148 for the last year if not longer so this sort of sucks. Not that this is a huge amount of weight but it is significant, affects my pants fitting me, and it sort of bizarre. I thought I wouldn't see those numbers again unless we had another baby and I saw them on the way up like last time.
Not Earth shattering news, not something I think about constantly, just weird.
Today is my third day of vegetarianism. I love it.

I've been away from here too long and it has been preventing me from returning. Isn't that strange? I think it is something we are all too familiar with, you the further you get from taking care of yourself mentally or physically, the harder it is to journey back.
So I'm back, I won't talk about the holidays or how proud I was of working out in a different city with relatives determined to make me feel guilty for taking the time. I won't talk about how I've been sick too much during my much needed break, or how damned cold it is in the garage and it has been a struggle to go out there lately.
Instead I'll say hello and state my intentions for this year:

To be positive in all things. This includes self care and a big thing I'm trying on at the moment, being a vegetarian. It feels right but I don't really like labels. If I choose to have a crabcake at some point I don't want idiots breathing down my neck and I'd be lying if I didn't say the people I am most concerned about (and ignoring anyway) are my in-law family. I can just picture uninformed lectures right now and it already irritates me, not really in keeping with the whole positive resolution is it?

"Well, I don't intend to discourage anyone from a goal, but those bad-ass assassin girls are putting A LOT of their time into this. It's not just a matter of emotional commitment, which we all know you have plenty of: there are practical issues as well - I mean, this stuff takes TIME and MONEY and it means cutting out other things from your life. You're married, you have a child, you're in school - you might have to give those up in order to reach that level."

First off I'll say up front that M@rla is one of my all time favorite fitness/weight loss bloggers and that I mean no offense in anything I say today.

This got me pretty down this morning but I have since completely changed my way of thinking around and am not discouraged but instead even more motivated. I felt like I was being told that I couldn't do it and why even try and holy shit how negative can I be some times?
Instead I will fully acknowledge that there are indeed many obstacles to my goal and I do have many added parts of life that I can use as excuses. I have actually spent a LOT of time doing just that over the last few years, angsting over this whole thing to a degree that is ridiculous and yet making little progress. I have mentioned it before but never has it hit home as hard as it has the last few days. I spend huge amounts of energy thinking about why I can't do things instead of expending much less energy simply getting shit done.
Take today for example: I wanted to get up at 5 again this morning like I did yesterday but our son had a fever last night and didn't want to sleep and I am still trying to adjust off cold meds so it just got later and later and I knew 5am was not going to be pretty if I wanted to make it through the day. So I reset the alarm for 6 and did get up after a bit. Our son felt really warm again this morning so I had to keep him home again. Things like this happen but it is my job then to figure out a work around, I knew he would go down for a nap at some point and that would be my chance. Well, as time went on I felt more and more tired and I'm coughing still and I could have easily laid my head down and fallen asleep. Instead I changed into my workout clothes, got him down for the count, and went and completed a kickass workout on the elliptical and chest/back day with weights. I definitely need to up what I'm lifting next time but I still feel like it went well.
I then came inside, took a shower, and sat around for a bit before realizing his nap would last a lot longer (from not feeling well) and I could lay down. I ended up getting a small nap and felt great when I got up.
I know that every day may not work out great for me but if I plan and plan smartly I believe I can be the person I want to be. I'm living as that person from this day forward.
I may go offline until some time next week; for the first time since I can remember I feel tired of being on the computer so I think I'm going to give it a break. We'll see, I could feel differently in the morning when I get up and want the routine.
If I don't return, Merry Christmas or Happy Holidays to every body!

The entire comment was great, like really great. I must be getting all the goods since someone isn't posting lately *wink

"There's probably a fine line between support and enabling, but my philosophy on marriage is that it's supposed to be a safe place for each partner. It's where you know yourself to be loved and accepted. So I think you're doing the right thing by not nagging him or deviously manipulating as I suggested earlier."

I think you're absolutely right that marriage should be safe, full of acceptance and encouragement and not manipulation or derision. I try my best to make sure he knows I love him no matter what, that there aren't strings attached, and I've tried to just emphasize I want an active partner to live life with, not some weird ideal for him to fit into. You know, when you become one of "the faithful" and diligently work out and plan your meals and know your macros and hell, even your micros, you want to convert anyone you come in to contact with and I struggled with that and my husband. Here's my best friend, the adult I spend the most time with and have fun with and I just wanted him to do every! thing! I! did! But I did wise up and cut that shit out, though I don't pretend it is easy. When he goes through spurts of working out I am very supportive and encouraging and when he stops I mentally duct tape my mouth shut because that is not for ME to comment on-why, if he commented on any of the times I've lost any semblance of a healthy lifestyle it would devastate me. It is sooo hard to think about the other view but I am doing my best. That is all I can do, this day and each day after.
I thought hard about what I want today in terms of my fitness level and appearance and I looked at pictures of women online that have that type of physique and can lift that kind of weight and that is my focus. I want that badass assassin body and that just hasn't changed. If I get where I don't frown about my body, even on those really bad bloated days and I am really. fucking. strong? I'll take it and grin from ear to ear.
With that in mind I did the best I could today with a lower body workout and 15 minutes of intervals on the elliptical. Believe me that was all I had and beyond as I am still technically limping along on the illness front. I say technically because I am determined to use "mind over matter" and to be well again. I will be healthy the rest of my break so I can enjoy it before I hit the ground running again. So much is swirling around the old noggin' concerning positive thinking and visualization-my head is pounding though so this is it for tonight, and that is good enough for me.

"I'm having similar issues with my husband. Thing is, he knows he's out of shape and actually bitches about it all the time. He knows he's lost a lot of muscle, that he's lost flexibility, and that his weight is high for him. But he keeps on with the Little Debbie Swiss Rolls by the boxful and winces when I suggest that he might think about joining my gym (we could work out together, I chirp, even though I really don't want to work out together, but whatever it takes, yo). He keeps saying that he just needs to walk every day, but doesn't even really do that. I don't care how he looks, but I do care that he doesn't feel good because of inactivity/eating junk. He's not resentful of my trying to have healthier habits, though. He takes far too much interest in it sometimes to the point where I start to resent it. "

My husband is in deep denial about his state of health, borderline high blood pressure is still not enough for him to do anything about it, it is borderline after all. For the longest time he would complain daily about how tired he was and how he had no energy and yet he never worked on his diet or exercised. Ugh. I have a hard time listening to people bitch about something sucking when they are doing absolutely nothing about it, even reading about what to do or just contemplating it would be okay with me, at least as an initial point. I cracked up about the working out together chirping, I've been there myself.
I got out of bed and walked in to the living room on my way to the kitchen the other night to get something to eat. I'd been laying there and my stomach was growling really loudly and I wasn't going to sleep. He asked me what I was doing and when I said, "eating" he made a sad face and said, "ohhh nooo." I got the big pissed off eyes immediately, don't dare and try and guilt ME about eating Mr. couch foam growing in to your ass, but in reality he thought I was having an out of control binge moment that get me down.
Some times I'm mad at myself because I think I DO care more about what he looks like, then some thing happens to show me that's not true. I just want him to be active regardless of what weight he is, when he gets up and works on things or has projects or even just goes for a walk with us, I am 100 x more attracted to him. I am just not into sloth on a daily basis (every body needs to chill some times, I know this.)
I think I'm on my way to being okay again, breathing out of both sides of my nose today and my head doesn't feel like it will explode anytime soon. My friends are urging me to take these megadose vitamins and I am struggling with this concept. They swear by them, and I am sick of being sick, and yet everything I've learned in clinical nutrition and biochemistry tells me that it is a waste and if you are taking the wrong ones, harmful. Meh.
I also sat in on a web conference about the safety of aspartame with speakers from Harvard and a group of toxicologists, not sure if I mentioned that. I thought it would be more interesting but it seemed biased, though the science that was presented I can't really fault.
Coffee is ready, hope everyone has a great day and avoids cardboard treats and hidden salt monsters.

PS WI: down to 151.8 today after ballooning back to 155.6 last Tuesday. I know it was water weight but it took a week to come off after I had been down to 151 even the saturday after I started this mess again. Two weeks in and I am down .8 of a pound.
At least it's not up and I'm not feeling deprived.

"Yeah, I hear you about the meddling/pushy thing. I would be FURIOUS with my husband if he left little hints around that he wanted me to change my perfect self in any way. Seriously, I would.

Here's another level of subtlety: you could get Women's Health for yourself, and while it's not as good as its counterpart, it's not bad, and I'll bet he'd read it if he came across it. Again, because of the photos ;-) Then you can ease into "hey, do you want the Men's version for yourself?"

Wow, that's so manipulative! Forget I said anything! "

I already get Women's health and I absolutely love it, I rhapsodize about it to him all the time and he thinks it's great I'm so happy....the end. It goes no further but maybe he thinks the title rules him out as a reader.

You know, if he tried to help me with things I am terrible about (organization, time management) I would bite his head off, but I think I am helping so therefore should not be offensive! yeah, double standard I am thinking.
Hopefully I'm on the road to wellness, I had to sleep with my mouth open all last night and my tongue got so dry from the meds and from the air that it split down the middle just like chapped lips, and believe me I have those too along with the skin around my nose. However, when I got up one whole side cleared out and I am breathing through that side with no additional medicine. If it doesn't improve I'll go to the doc since it is discolored. You wanted to know, I could tell my graphic description of the consequences of being a mouth breather got you excited.

Re: comment
A subscription to Men's Health might help, I'm not sure how he would react or if he would even read it. He is a wonderful guy but hard to read some times and I don't know if he would see it as me meddling or being pushy. I'm going to check it out and if I think he'd like it I'll get it for him, he likes getting magazines. I'm kind of excited about the idea!
Oh also, about the bio-electrical impedance bodyfat measuring tools, the handheld one is fairly accurate but the one you stand on is better, but apparently only higher end models that can factor in how athletic you are, etc. I have stats on that stuff somewhere....*rummages around chaotic mess....yeah I'll get back to you on that.
And as for today:
I did my little 7 min. (roughly) unstructured yoga workout and that made me feel better for a short time but I am absolutely afraid I won't be getting in that legs workout I wanted. My head is so stopped up that even maximum strength mucinex has not helped and that is just, well sad. It also hit me that when I am hoovering up odds and ends in the kitchen and off our son's plate that I am treating myself like a human garbage disposal, and that is the very opposite of cool.

I'm currently occupied with reading the archives of two wonderful sites but wanted to drop in to say I feel so much better after getting all of that activity in yesterday and am back down to .2 over where I started 11 days ago, so unless something completely crazy happens I should maintain that earlier number and hopefully surpass it. Ultimately though, screw the number, I KNOW I am making progress in a positive direction for myself.
After being all smug and everything yesterday my throat started hurting really badly that night and I went to bed at about 8pm after taking sore throat night time med. Yeah, I really am sick all the time. I should give myself MORE credit for all that I do despite the way I feel the majority of the time.

Oh and I went and looked back at M@rla's entry about her poop cookies and am suitably impressed and I do remember them after seeing the picture again. Mine look more like cat mess I think. Hope no one is eating!

PS I have still been eating at least one cat turd cookie a day. Problem? Yes!

Smug, definitely feeling smug and happy right now, must be the dizziness from completing an ass busting workout after already doing yoga and rough housing with the Little Guy. I even got a video of him doing yoga with me that made my heart want to burst and you can bet I will post that as soon as I get it downloaded off my camera. I hope it turned out, you may not be able to see all the adorable two yr old doing down dog wonderfullness.
I tried to quickly do housework, physically rough house around with him, and then we went outside and we ran around the yard some and kicked a ball, played on the slide, and then I had the bright idea of bringing my yoga mat outside on the patio and our XM radio to play my favorite indie station. So with our fountain gurgling away I first had to dodge multiple little cars and trucks placed on the mat and then I had a partner that helpfully tried to pose along with me, getting on the mat underneath me as I tried to hold plank or go into a push up.
So I've been in a dismal funk, I seem to feel bad physically so often that it really gets me down. I feel sick or extremely fatigued so often it drives me crazy. I don't know what to do about it but I am whinging for a start.
Food has been a little weird today but it is not owning my brain so I'll take that, and I burned about 500 kcals with my workouts and here I thought I wouldn't be able to do anything again today. Kickass.
I'm going to start answering comments in the blog as I have to open a diff browser that I hate to do it IN the comments section and it is not like I get overwhelmed with them anyway. I really appreciate them and then I feel like maybe it doesn't seem that way since I don't always reply.
So anyway:
I mentioned a gap between my husband and myself since I got into trying to better myself and though I don't entirely blame him for it, it is true. I tend to see him differently even though I wish that were not the case and he makes little to no effort to even meet me halfway. If he would workout with me I would be in heaven, but that is just not going to happen. I have to leave him alone about it, which I do for the most part, and maybe he'll get there some day, maybe not. It's not up to me and it is important for me to remember that and not act like an ass about it. It is really hard to keep a relationship together when one person changes big time and the other doesn't but he is worth working extra hard to keep us together. When we met I drank hard, ate anything that sounded good, smoked, and had a much higher libido (I'll just be delicate about that.) I now rarely drink, do not smoke, am very conscious about what I eat and am way out of touch with "marital duties" or the desire for them for that matter. Lots of things have contributed to that and I am working on myself in that aspect but to say things are completely different is an understatement. He never works out and would probably still drink 4-5 nights a week if I went along with it. His diet is beige unless I interfere nicely (mac n cheese, fries, rice, burgers, pizza, cheese on anything, beer) with no vegetables or fruit in sight. He hates lifting weights and when he does workout once in a blue moon its always cardio. I love him anyway, people are many different parts and not defined by the bad things but well, it sucks. I want a partner, waaaahhh.
Not going to dwell though, he has come a long way-eats some vegetables now, eats certain fruit as long as it is easily ready to eat, has always drank a ton of water and now mainly limits drinking to 1-2 times a week and sometimes less than that. I don't want to turn him into a puritan, I just want us both to be healthy and together a long time and to be good examples for our son. I cannot control him though, I know this. *repeating that for MY benefit as I need to keep that foremost in my mind, bit of a control freak I am
Workout was awesome, good day today, I'm crawling back.

Crabby! Thanks for stopping by, I admit I freaked a little at the famous Crab reading my latest boring drivel. Not always boring! I promise.
I've thought a lot today about if my current approach is a good one for me or not. Not everything is a one size fits all, and I think if someone came to me as a dietitian and had the feelings I seem to be experiencing, I would definitely focus on making a plan that works better for them. So that's what I'm going to do. What worked for me when I started out trying desperately to better my health and quality of life doesn't work for me now that I've been at this for several years. I need to do a lot of self examination regarding what I want out of life, if my weight plays in to that or not, and what is really important to me.
New plan: I may or may not continue to weigh daily, I fully know what affects the numbers and they don't upset me so it's not that, but I am unsure if I want that level of scrutiny. Once a week may be what I settle upon, I am not certain. I think I want to focus on building muscle and I need to bypass my fear of gaining weight(fat) in order to reach that point. Couple that with the fact that I felt sexier in a different way when I was heavier and I hate the yawning gap between myself and my husband since I've lost weight...just a lot to think over.
Time to use this space as it was intended, for navel gazing baby.

Up three more pounds this morning, but I ate takeout Italian food last night and had some wine and it was absolutely delicious. I know that when I do what works it will work and I just don't feel bad about it. I'm glad I don't, I would hate for a client to go into a tailspin over takeout bloating and so why should I practice that idiocy? Not to say it isn't disheartening when you don't expect it, but I deliberately ate that food.
So, as per usual my enthusiasm petered out awfully fast, but I'm going to stick with it and keep on tracking and trying to take care of myself.
Hopefully I can get in a workout today, that's the key that is missing.

Week One Report:Case Study EC

Beginning stats:

151/66 sq x 705 = 24.4 (normal) BMI ranges 18.5-24.9 normal, 25-29.9 overweight,
151 x 13-15 = 1963-2265 kcal/day guideline for professionals
IBW=130lbs +/- 10%
% IBW=116%
1450-1700 kcal/day to lose 1 lb per week
lower body workout plus 20 minutes cardio =422 kcals burned/38 minutes
full body weights workout alt upper and lower =400 kcals, sometimes less sometimes more /45-60 minutes
yoga =450 kcals/60 minutes

I think most of this is self explanatory, I included some of the common workouts I usually have in rotation and the calories burned just for reference.

I lost about an inch in my waist and half an inch in the hips and 1.6 lbs as of Saturday and then as of Sunday and today I'm UP .2 lbs from my beginning weight. Saturday night I ate a few appetizer shrimp and then some bread, a few fritos and dip and some cheeses followed by bites of 4 diff desserts. Wow that sounds bad now but it really was a small quantity of each and it was Laydee night with my friends. Oh I had champage and Pimms too. Yesterday I barely ate enough calories and nothing that damaging and yet no budge on what I was sure was bloat. If I was a client and new to this game and had this happen to me I would be severely frustrated at this point. Since I started getting a cough, hoarse voice and sore throat Saturday night and woke up with a full blown ick on Sunday I haven't cared so much. I'll care tomorrow.
It should be noted I went over on kcals twice this week and only worked out twice due to sickness so this wasn't a steller week and I'm doing ok all things considered. This next week's results will be better.
Cookies today turned out literally like dog turds with gobs of while chocolate splatters. Sounds tasty right?

It's really nice to hear that someone I respect thinks I'll be a good dietitian, thanks M@rla!

Today's Post Brought to You by My Love of Gadgets:

I'm a gadget girl, there's a good reason why I worked and excelled in the IT field for the five years that I hung in there. I like computers, I like sci-fi in my present day, and I like facts and the ability to pin down what exactly is happening rather than pulling numbers out of the air or relying on antiquated formulas. This is not to say the formulas are all bs and that my numbers are 100% accurate, but they're pretty damn close.
All of this to say I got the battery in my HR monitor replaced and just finished a kickass workout with it. When I had switched to a 3 day split lifting schedule it had already died and so I wasn't quite sure how it measured up to the previous exhausting balls out (metaphoric testes, mind you) workouts I had been slogging through. Don't get me wrong, it felt good to do those workouts most of the time but I was missing a lot of cardio and also only doing them 3 days a week tops with little supplementary workouts in between.
So long story shortened, I clocked in at 422 calories today for a 38 minute workout which is as good and sometimes better than the previous workouts that involved only 5 minutes cardio but took 45-60 minutes. Also accounting for the fact that I did that 2-3 times a week vs. my willingness and ability to do these workouts 5-6 times a week...it adds up big time.
I also purchased a Tanita scale that measures not only weight in .2 increments but also BF% and hydration. I must say I am disappointed in the BF% feature. The numbers are all over the place but we shall see, I've only had it a few days and the reason I wanted it is because we use a slightly more professional version at school and in practice as dietitians sometimes. I knew it was pretty accurate. Bottom line, I just don't want to believe it's gone up that much in such a short time and I also like having consistency in my data.
I'm treating myself as a case study (patient) and have worked out my anthropometrics. I'll post everything and also weekly results, number of workouts and what they consist of, and how I adjust my kcal intake. The formula we use is pretty dead on for what has worked for me in the past but it is forcing me to eat a little more and to really analyze the numbers. I'm basically putting my money where my mouth is (that cliche makes little sense but you get my meaning).
Now I'm off to pick up my little boy and to get crackin' on cleaning up this dump. Fitness is not the only thing that has fallen by the wayside with the hectic months of school I've just been through. I still have one final left on Friday but the case study on myself is going to help me study as that is all things I need to know.

I think it is worth mentioning that I have not had the crazy desire to eat everything in sight, including hoovering up my toddlers leftover tv dinner (yuck), yesterday or today. It simply stopped. I say simply but in reality I took some steps to make it happen and luckily my brain/body fell in line.
I need to reply to you guys' comments-but I'll just be honest and let you know I am so tired that it is everything I can do to just type this winner of an entry out-I nearly ran head first into our closet door this morning because I'm so tired when I get up I feel drunk.
I'm using sparkpeople again and will be purchasing a scale that does bodyfat % too. I basically went downhill when I got rid of our scale and while I think it was a good idea to break away from the constant weighing mentality, the number one way proven by a shit load of research to lose/maintain weight is self monitoring, meaning keeping a food record and weighing yourself on a regular basis.
It's taken hrs to write this much, started out then came back to it. I'm going to try and write more often by using that method since my life and my ADD like brain doesn't seem to be able to encourage longer entries.
My shoulder is alllllmost healed but not quite, as soon as I am fully functional I'll be hitting the weights again but in the meantime Im walking and taking the stairs at school. It's really the best I can do at the moment, but that's all about to change for the better as next week is finals and then I'm out for a month.

The size up pants are now barely fitting and my shoulder is hurt so lifting weights is out and even driving is difficult. I just paused in writing this to eat chocolate chip cookies after I was already full from overeating all afternoon/evening.

Sigh.

I want to take better care of myself but I need a buddy I think. I just can't do it alone anymore. Ideas?

So I'm wearing a size up again this morning. Drowning your sorrows in red wine and cheese doesn't make for a good maintenance program apparently. I actually took a preggers test again last night because I looked exactly as I did at about 4 months along and it was tight and hard to the touch. Awesome.
I'm getting my shit back together starting today, the operation went well, my mom is recovering and we are waiting to hear back about the pathology report and what we do now. I will hereby stop trying to be the perfect everything to everyone and refocus on my studies and my health.

Thank you.

M@rla and Kada! I appreciate the support and M@rla I know exactly what you were talking about with the rollercoaster thing, we've been on it with my grandma whom was diagnosed LAST November with mestatic breast cancer. We didn't think we'd even have last Christmas and here we are at Christmas part II.
Her surgery was yesterday and it went well. They took out about a foot long portion of the colon and then reattached everything minus lymph bodes and part of the mysentery (sac-like membrane around your intestines). She sat up today for a bit and was telling everybody what to do and how to do it so she is on her way. I say that with love. Seeing her all grey and obviously in pain yesterday really was...an experience I'd just as soon not repeat.
I'm not that interested in food and I've been sick again so no exercise but I'm holding it together.
I do think you all should update to entertain my pitiful self though.

Drinking too often and baking are not exactly conducive to good health, but they were a means to and end for me this weekend and now we can move on with me making healthy choices. I did have a goal of dropping 8 lbs by the new yr to finally be at the size that I've been striving towards for several yrs now but that is sort of out the window. If I happen to achieve that while making the absolute best choices I can, being strong for my mother and my own little family-then so be it.
My NEW new goal is to be as physically active as possible each and every day. Today I shall dress appropriately for walking a lot and may visit the gym during lunch. I'll go get ready for that in a moment. My glands behind my ears (sides of neck) are swollen and hurt to touch and my head hurts-I know part of that is due to not enough water and just poor habits this weekend. Our son is also sick with a terrible deep cough and off and on a bit of fever I think, so no telling if I have caught that too, the other two times I got a bad cough the actual cough did not show up for a few days.
Anyway, I'm coming to grips with the fact that my mother, the most special person in the world, has cancer. M@rla, thank you. So I'm going to go make a nutritious breakfast and get dressed in my coordinated sweat pant outfit (I'm supposed to dress professionally so I am compromising in order to get daily activity without changing clothes for it) and go to school where we will talk about weight management that I could not care less about now that the Big C is looming over me.

Everything we're talking about in class right now could be a post on it's own, so I plan on doing that one section at a time.
However, last night I ate disgusting pizza and drank a lot of beer after being told my mother has colon cancer.
And not surprisingly, it didn't help.
I'm going to need to focus on taking care of myself more than ever or I'll fall completely apart.

I had intended on typing out a long entry about what's been going on lately and yet I think spending some couch time with Husband is more important right now. I have to get up early to be at the hospital in the morning (to work, not for any bad reason) and so I'll be hitting the sack early. It'll be hard to get all my work outs in this week with being there all day Wed and Thurs but I'll do the best I can. Right now my quads are so sore from yesterdays workout I snuck in at school during lunch that I've been hobbling around all day like I was the main attraction in a donkey show, I hate to think what I've looked like wincing and shufflin' along.
I've set goals and plans and the like and am following through accordingly. It's only been two days but every new beginning has a start.

Blogging is good for me, orderliness and accomplishment make me feel so good, and every time that I avoid such behaviors I feel badly. I'm sure it's a chicken and the egg situation but nevertheless-here I am.
Got a kickass workout in tonight! It deserves an exclamation point, yes indeedy. I did shoulders, biceps and triceps along with my 18 minutes of intervals. Despite not working out since last Friday I kicked up the resistance to a 3 for close to the entirety and I am super proud of that. For clarity I could handle an 8 on the machines at the gym but level 1 one ours kicked my ass for quite awhile and so a 3 is pretty killer. Last time I thought I was awesome for doing 2nd level with some 3rd level thrown in as often as possible. Each time my cardio resistance handling capabilities advance it means a lot to me. Cardio has always been my biggest challenge and I feel like I'm finally making progress in that area. I know the muscle I have built all over my body is allowing me to advance and I am still really liking doing a body part split routine. Shoulder press (one armed) 17 lb dumbbell for two sets of ten, then 15 lbs for 3 sets of ten. When I feel like I can't possibly do one more rep focusing as hard as I can on the muscle and the contraction will get me two more I have found. I also talk to myself. Shh, don't tell anyone. Same weights were used for 5 sets of curls and 5 sets of tricep overhead extensions (like a pullover but standing). I didn't have to do that many negatives this time on the heavier sets and I felt like I couldn't do anymore for sure when I finished all 5. Hitting it as heavy as I can and still get past 5 reps with that weight-then dropping a few lbs and hitting it again is thoroughly exhausting my muscles in a way that hasn't happened on this consistent of a basis before. I felt sick all day-sore throat, fatigue, etc. so yeah I am a bit full of myself right now. And I should be *pat pat pat
Oh I also cleaned out my car and vacuumed it, washed two loads of clothes and rotated the dishwasher. I need some positivity and I'll be recording it here. I hate that I feel like I need to apologize for listing off things that are good that I've done. Hopefully I'll stop with that bs if I just keep at it.

I've seriously considered letting go of blogging. I think it contributes to the amount of time I spend TALKING about the good things I can do or will do and takes away from the time I could be doing such things. What keeps me from doing that is a) I really do like to keep up with you people and your lives and b) I have learned SO MUCH from my fellow bloggers working on their health and fitness levels that what I am now learning in an expensive, accredited, time consuming, stressful professional uni program has not added a lot. I know a great deal of the information before they even open their mouths. I bet I am frustrating them, ha! I keep it to myself most of the time, no worries. I am not THAT girl.
I reigned the food back in to an acceptable, non self hate level yesterday and it was hard but felt good and not so hard that my compulsions completely overrode things. I think my newest method (I always have to try new ways to be healthy because I get bored so easily and then grow lax) is to focus on my nutrient levels (calcium, vit C, etc) since I know how to calculate them in my head pretty well now. I thought I got my requirements in because I do try and eat a varied diet but when I am in unhealthy beat myself up with food mode, I know I do not meet any but maybe Vitamin A. Vit A is so easy to meet and exceed.
So, working on that and hopefully will get a workout in tonight. It has now been about 4 days and it is really bugging me, I want to be out there lifting and bouncing away on the elliptical in my intervals but something has a hold of me (sore throat, migraines, wonky tummy, fatigue) and I'm doing my best to just go to school and do small things around the house. Hopefully I can do that tonight, though with our current weather I'll need a space heater. Can you believe that? It was 90 during the day on Sunday and dropped to the 50s yesterday and 40s today bringing with it a massive rain storm yesterday morning that I got to drive in (with Dallas traffic) in order to take an exam. Guess what? ANOTHER exam this morning that I'm unprepared for but am having a hard time caring about...
I'll get back on here later, time to force myself to slow down and chat on a regular basis so there isn't so much in my head wanting to explode. Maybe it will help with the migraines*.
*if they make you want to hurl because it hurts so badly, I say migraine)

PS I did my arm workout this week with the 16 or 16.5 (whatever it works out to be) dumbbell and I completed five sets. Some of that was negatives but I was suprised at how little, I mainly did the reps fully at the higher weight. Getting closer to my 20lb goal.

Thanks for the well wishes and concern, I was not sure when I would be myself again but I think I am roughly back to being OK. I did just eat a goat cheese and fig leftover pizza for breakfast but that was my choice and then when I walked over to start coffee making I looked at the last few muffins I had baked that I've been gorging on and was able to say, "No, I'm full." See, that was the missing element lately, I would tell myself I was full and then eat it anyway followed by multiple other items. It definitely felt compulsive and unstoppable.
I got a cold or something that manifested Thursday and kept me home from my you-should-never-miss school program. I am thinking my weirdness that would not stop was partially related to that along with my sadness over my son leaving and just the insane amount of stress I am usually under. I cannot wait to graduate and be done with this bullshit already! Sick of school. Is that obvious?
I guess that bothers me too, I have always liked school ever since I went back of my own volition and wasn't forced there like high school and below. I am intelligent, I enjoy learning, and science fascinates me-yet I think I just hit the nail on the head about why I sort of hate it now. I feel like I am being forced to be there a lot when I am completely disinterested and I am disappointed in the program itself. This has caused me to waiver in my desire to be a dietitian but that is gone and I once again strongly feel that my job is going to be awesome. I think I'll focus on contract work in the field of Gerentology-older folks are ignored way too often and I like them. There are more reasons but that is partially why I am leaning that direction.
M@rla, if shoulder presses consists of using a dumbbell and basically doing an overhead press but with one arm at a time, I do that now. If that is not it I am always open to new ways to work out. I love doing those because it also strongly uses my obliques and doesn't tweak my shoulder joint that using a barbell can easily do. Also, despite feeling really cool, doing the clean and jerk even with light weight and doing my damnedest to have great form aggravates the sphenoid process of one of my thoracic vertebrae and actually makes the bone sore I am also thinking that can't be good, and if I take the weight down enough to not do that it's not a worthwhile exercise for the rest of my body. I'm sure I'll try again, maybe get stronger first-not sure.
I hate that I go in cycles-where this seems easy and awesome and fun and I start looking really cut, even to my critical eyes, and then I slip back into depressed followed by fluffy and start again. I will give myself credit though-this time I mostly still did my workouts which usually fall to the wayside as well.

It's been great to hear from everyone.

I've tried to think of what I've been doing that is working so well for me and while I've been mulling that over I've launched into one of the most destructive phases of my life. Eating until extremely ill for days with no sanity in sight. Constantly telling myself to stop hurting myself, that I don't need/want to eat "you name it" and yet in it goes and I haven't been able to listen to the pleading or berating in my head.
This stops now. I'm going to study a bit, plan and pack clean food for all day tomorrow, and in the morning I am getting up early and completing a yoga session.
Damnit, I can't go on like this, I want to get back to the amazing way I've been feeling and I have to figure out how to conquer the self sabotage. I admitted I was doing something that worked and then it went downhill in a hurry.
I should also mention our son is about to go visit out of state grandparents for five days and I am depressed about this. Yes I know it's five days but we are usually attached at the hip and I love every minute of it.
I'll return when I have something worth reading to talk about-like as in tomorrow.