Tuesday, October 16, 2007

I've tried to think of what I've been doing that is working so well for me and while I've been mulling that over I've launched into one of the most destructive phases of my life. Eating until extremely ill for days with no sanity in sight. Constantly telling myself to stop hurting myself, that I don't need/want to eat "you name it" and yet in it goes and I haven't been able to listen to the pleading or berating in my head.
This stops now. I'm going to study a bit, plan and pack clean food for all day tomorrow, and in the morning I am getting up early and completing a yoga session.
Damnit, I can't go on like this, I want to get back to the amazing way I've been feeling and I have to figure out how to conquer the self sabotage. I admitted I was doing something that worked and then it went downhill in a hurry.
I should also mention our son is about to go visit out of state grandparents for five days and I am depressed about this. Yes I know it's five days but we are usually attached at the hip and I love every minute of it.
I'll return when I have something worth reading to talk about-like as in tomorrow.

3 comments:

Dynamo360 said...

Hey Erin, I'm sorry things are feeling difficult. :( I canr ealte to struggling with self sabotage. Holy crap can I relate. Lately I have been trying to focus a lot on what is in my control and what isn't. Even focusing on the tiniest of changes makes me feel a little better and more in control of my life. It is an uphill battle for sure!! But I truly believe people can do good things for themselves. Cheesy as it sounds I think it is about believing we are worth it you know?

Kada said...

What else is going on in your life that you're feeling overwhelmed by and needing to cope with it by abusing yourself in this way?

Usually, food abuse like this comes from emotions or situations we feel unable to cope with.

{hugs} Hope you sort through it soon. And just remember nobody's perfect. The need to always be perfect/healthy/good is classic diet thinking. It's okay to be afraid/scared/whatever and cope with food for a little while. Even people who've never had an eating disorder use food as a coping mechanism sometimes.

M@rla said...

Yikes, I hope I didn't set this off by asking! My usual power is to give people leg cramps from across the room.

Take a deep breath, it's OK. I notice that lots of us (including you and me) think that we've gone on a giant bender, only to realize that in fact it's been one and a half days. No big deal.

On another subject, I was going to recommend shoulder presses to you, if you're not already doing them. I don't have a link handy, but you can find them on exrx. It's a "small" exercise that hits more muscles than it first appears.