What a week! It's just been non stop on the go-ness around here and I am wearing down, thank God tomorrow is Friday. TGIF is so cheesy but damn if it isn't true this week.
I'm not up to the 20 lb curls yet (that's each arm not total) but using 14.5 I was able to do five sets so I am going to bump it up next time and see what happens. Also, night before last I did five sets of flyes using 17.5 on each side for the first three sets so I'll do that again and hopefully do all five. That sounds like a lot of reps but it's broken up into little segments-I do three min elliptical and then 2-3 different exercises and then get back on the trainer for three more min, etc. I do this until I hit 18 minutes on the elliptical and my muscles are usually completely toast at that point. That night was chest and back so I did flyes and rows over and over and then some Yate's rows the last two intervals. My chest especially is still very sore, so in other words KICK ASS. Yeah.
Breaking up the cardio has actually made me like it too. I thought hell would freeze over before I liked cardio but 20 minutes used to seem like an eternity and now (roughly) 20 minutes flies by no problemo.
Still not watching my food intake too closely, I eat whole foods mostly and lots of veggies and fruit. I'm getting leaner each week and it sort of freaks me out after all the toil and trouble I've put in to find that for me exercise is the big determinate, not so much my diet. Don't get me wrong, I eat well but I thought I needed to be so much more exact and perfect and well, I don't. Hopefully I did not just jinx myself.
Wearing a bikini last Saturday night did not even phase me, that is how good I felt in my own skin. I went off the slide about 15 times in the pitch dark with the stars hanging overhead and it felt awesome. I also jumped off the top level side, so about a 25-30 ft drop-only did that once, ha!
My quads are getting more defined, I mention this because it's a big deal to me, my legs have always been a "sore" point for me. When I lost weight the first time on ww I still had unsightly cankle having weirdly shaped legs. Somehow it shifted after having our son and now I'm doing well on building muscle and I'm getting an inner thigh quad bump instead of just the outer one, so maybe a nice v shape is going to appear the more bodyfat I drop. I don't know. I am happy with my body. That short sentence is huge.

202nd post, weird.
Legs were Thursday night, shoulders and arms were last night. Same idea-3 minute intervals on the elliptical trainer interspersed with overhead presses and curls. Yes I have poo poo'd curls for quite some time but I can't deny they fatigue my arms well and that I would like to be able to curl higher numbers for an entire set. Immediate goal is to use 20 lb dumbbells-I can do that amount now but not for a whole set. Last night I used 14.5 and I was able to do a lot of them so obviously I need to bump that up but my weight set is sort of arranged funny and the next step up would be 18 lbs and I'm not sure that is realistic either. Meh. I need to get some of those magnets that let you increase in smaller increments.
I am sore all over today, especially my obliques, I guess keeping this body upright while doing the overhead one arm press did the trick. Doing just two sets of crunches and oblique twists last night was more difficult than I expected, presumably because of already using my core quite a bit in the last two nights. Working out, not sexxing you perves. Or is that just me? Ha!
I gotta hit the books HARD while the Husband and our child are out grocery shopping for the impending party we are having at 1 today that I am not ready for, more mentally than physically. I still want to write about the whole you and your environment thing I've been mulling over, I wish there was time.

Another legs workout completed, I incorporated something I saw on a Crossfit video (M@rla, I love watching them too and want to be able to do the stuff they do). I noticed some people using a balance ball to do a ton of fast bodyweight squats, basically lowering your butt to the ball before coming back up-more than likely a good way to make sure you are going low enough and also to learn balance. With a BALANCE ball? Crazy!
Deadlifts, bodyweight standard and sumo squats, walking lunges, and calf raises where you go up on both then back down with only one-read about it on Skwigg, something she'd doing in physical therapy and it clicked in my brain as the reason why my calves hated me for days recently. I like to use the stairs at school as often as I can (shoes permitting) and one day I had thong sandals on that make a really loud noise if I walk normally so I was tensing my legs quietly placing the sandals on each step-doesn't make sense typing it but basically I was really concentrating my movements in the calves and lowering myself slowly with one leg at a time, same concept.
Mid workout I came inside to get more water and noticed my quad literally bulging about half an inch out maybe, very cool. I made Husband look and he claimed to see it but may have been humoring me.
So I did the afore mentioned exercises interspersed with elliptical training 3 minutes at a time between each set. Oh yeah and I did the plyometric jumping thing where you come up off the floor out of a full squat and jump as high as you can, did about 7 of those as fast as I could and sweat was flying off my head. Awesome.

So yes, I'm still trucking along as an active person. Missed doing yoga yesterday because I felt like crap AGAIN and went to bed really early. It started trying to happen again tonight and I took Claritin and it cleared out enough that I could still function. I've been trying to avoid it because I was afraid taking it daily last week is what prompted the severe allergic type reaction I had Friday night that took away my whole weekend.
This weekend I am hosting a wedding shower for 30 guests at our house, then attending a wedding at a wine bar/winery, and then driving out to our friends' houseboat for the night and next morning. We'll see if my new fancy quads can help me to actually ski this time. Not excited abotu wearing a bathing suit after I thought I had already dodged that bullet this year but maybe I'll just keep a shirt on, screw 'em if they think I'm weird. Or maybe, I'll be really crazy and wear my bathing suit and not care if I look "fat". Damn right.

My legs were sore all day in that nice, you know you worked them hard sort of way. We went for a walk tonight as a family, dog and all, and pushing a stroller with a 35 lb toddler up and down hills adds a nice level of activity. We all three got in the shower (in turns) when we got back and it felt nice to put my old ratty nightgown on and to sink on to the couch. It wasn't an extreme workout, but it was a pleasant time spent with my loved ones living an active person's life. That's what I'm doing, living an active person's life until I truly am that active person. I want to be that person that exercises daily forever and ever. Don't get me wrong, I am not a stranger to workouts but I want it to be a more consistent part of life viewed in a more healthy manner.
Food is doing fine on autopilot, I have to study now or I'd write more.

I just could NOT sleep last night and so even though I insisted (somewhat annoyingly) on hitting the sheets early, I did not get up early this morning like I had planned and I bit poor Husband's head off when he asked me if I wanted the light on (I have him do that sometimes when I'm having a hard time rolling out of bed.)
No workout and I'm sluggish but this can still be a good day.
Thinking positively.

I did it. Despite a stitch in my side and wobbly legs, I went ahead and did my elliptical cardio/lower body weights workout and I have to admit, I'm proud. I'm sitting on the couch feeling crappy again but at least in the midst of the crappiness I got my workout in, I could have sat here and not done it and not felt any better than I do now.
Also? Taco Bell is not good fuel, it may taste good but it sure did come back to bite me the whole time I was out there.
Things are looking up!

I just polished off a grilled stuft beef burrito and a cheese quesadilla from Taco Bell with a pepsi. It has been YEARS since I drank Pepsi and probably around a year at least since I had the Bell. I won't lie-it was very tasty, and now I am ready to move on from eating crap to make myself feel better this go 'round.
This has been a very frustrating weekend for me. I have been low physically, and as a result mentally. I missed out on a night with my friends that I have not seen for months and have missed workouts that I would have enjoyed, and the whole time I feel guilty for not feeling well. I see it as a personal failing even though that is completely irrational.
In my dreams last night a severely overweight woman asked me over and over to tell her how great my life is now that I've lost the extra weight again and I exercise and eat healthfully as a rule, not as a challenge. I tried to think of things to tell her and all I could come up with was I can squeeze through tight spaces like between cars easily and I can wear cute clothing (which is actually somewhat of a negative too because I want new clothes all the time whereas my old wardrobe lasted years and years and I didn't really pay attention to it.) Basically I am feeling crappy that I make a lot of effort the average person doesn't and yet I still feel poorly quite often and there is always something wrong with me. It doesn't recommend it too much sub-conciously I guess.
I live this way now though because it IS the best thing for myself and I have more of a chance at feeling good doing these things than I did without-I didn't feel good then either and at least now my behaviors can build me up rather than tear me down.
I hereby vow to take care of myself to the best of my abilities, including mental care.
I think I'm finally on the mend, tomorrow I hit our garage gym for lower body and cardio and then a bike ride or a walk to round it out. We bought a rack for my weight plates, I got new lifting gloves since I lost mine, and it is all organized and put back together again. And now I will go and take a "power nap" hopefully so I can get up and kick my school works' collective ass.

Thursday night it took me a long time to go to sleep due to weird all over body aches including my scalp. If you are familiar with the flu and its general crappiness, it felt like that. My hips hurt especially and so I chalked it up possibly to doing yoga bright and early that morning, which by the way was pathetic and I could hardly do any of it so the soreness puzzled me. Finally got to sleep, got up late Friday morning skipping my planned workout and then went BACK to bed for several more hrs only to get up feeling 10 x worse. I womanfully pulled it together and went to biochem, feeling like I was on acid or something, so disoriented and just...off and hurty. I think in a twisted part of my mind I thought if I could struggle through class and driving in traffic I could go to our friend's surprise 40th birthday, when I would stay home sick from school our mom never let me do anything fun and this has carried over I think. So I leave school, fight Friday afternoon traffic (always early because people with downtown jobs make rush hr start at 3 on Fridays) and make it to the grocery store. Our bubby was out of fishes (goldfish crackers, rainbow colored so I remember to not eat them all) and I wanted to get some Tinactin to try on his leg ouchies at my brother's suggestion. It was ROUGH just walking in and then trying to make it through the grocery store, people were staring at me so either I looked hot or my pitifulness was glaringly apparent. Since I spoke with a poor me wobbly voice when asked if I needed help, I am going with the latter. Husband calls to say he picked up our bubby early and THEY are at the store by our house. At this point I abandoned the cart in the aisle, bought my two items in the self checkout and went home. After flopping on the couch for about 20 minutes it was time to leave for the birthday party and I did it. Maybe that was stupid but I really wanted to go, and we did, and we had a good time. The surprise actually happened (hard with this individual) and the food was excellent. I felt extremely sick after leaving though, while we drove up and down I-30 while my crazy husband looked for his cell phone. Yes, me feeling deathly ill, sitting with our child in the car on the side of I-30 as cars roared past shaking us to and fro. Apparently the phone was left on top of the car when we left the house eariler and the thump we heard that I questioned was the phone going to the big cellular store in the sky.
Going to sleep was horrific, I was NO FUN to be around and miserable and big time hurty but finally passed out and slept all night. I dreamed that we tore up the flooring in this house and were putting bamboo in and then for some reason the front yard and driveway were the ones at Raintree Circle (our parents' home growing up) and there were spider webs everywhere. end tangent.
No weird achiness today, never had a fever that I know of, but I still feel really nauseous and tired though I can't sleep. I tried to take a nap but got up to sit miserably on the couch.
So, recap of last week:
Halfass did some yoga stretches and ran slowly around the house with our son, then walked a LOT that afternoon at the botanical gardens. Monday walked about 14 flights of stairs and about a mile and a half, Tuesday was on my feet for about 3 hrs touring the Sara Lee plant and did a tiny amount of pilates that night, Wednesday I did shoulders and arms and 20 minutes elliptical intervals and Thursday I did 45 minutes power yoga. Got massively ill and nothing since then and it is bugging me. I was really feeling good about my activity. I also have a lot of thoughts building up about weight, and activity, and natural body setpoints relevant to your environment but I am too BLAH to write it out. I wish I could just dictate to someone-I'd blog everyday if I could.

Has it been two weeks already? Harumph. I guess I quit posting due to depression brought on by M@rla taking a vacation from blogging! *wink

I just spent ten minutes, at least, searching the house for my lone pencil (must buy more) so I could try and get caught up on nutrition calculations we're working on tomorrow. It was requested that we track our food for three days, one weekend day included, and then do calculations on the most typical day of the three. Along with that we had to take a dietary history of a classmate and then we're going to enter it into Nutribase, which is as you can imagine, a database program like fitday or sparkpeople but for us professional types. I personally like sparkpeople better, less KLUGEY (sidenote: the first time a boss used the word klugey I wanted to laugh in his face because he was obviously trying to sound MORE SMARTER).
So pencil is found and I'll work on this for a bit but not TOO long because I must get in bed real early like. And here is why, and possibly why I have continued to be quiet again:
I am trying yet again and hopefully successfully this time, to stop talking about doing so much and to make with the actual doing. I like to think the hell out of concepts and ideas and then I seem to fall short on the actual action. Oh sure, I fling myself about like a deranged dragonfly for awhile, decide it is NOT WORKING even without sufficient time and effort and then flit on to something else. I do keep trying though, all the damn time, and so rather than berating myself for not being hardcore enough, I think I need to realize and put into action the principle that I am sedentary most of each day, not by choice mind you-see:sitting on ass at school and then hrs of studying. So I go from being sedentary quite often, to thinking I should be able to walk five miles a day and do full body Olympic weight lifting workouts and on and on and on...yes I can do these things, but how bout working on consistency first? Hm?
I don't fall off the "wagon" often nutritionally, I know what to eat, how much to eat, and ways to make it yummy. I do fall by the wayside quite often on workouts due to time constraints, energy levels, etc. This does not have to be that way, but I need to focus less on micromanaging my food intake and more on getting consistent, worthwhile movement. Worthwhile defined as I actually like doing it or it makes me feel good during/right after.
I've started on a split schedule again after a long time of full body, today I did shoulders and arms. Yes I am aware that everything is linked, you can't truly isolate, blah blah blah. Believe me, I've read a LOT of info and tried out many methods and I feel like a change. So next will be lower body and then a chest/back day, but in the morning? An hour of power yoga, I miss it mentally and my body definitely misses it too. Also, power yoga should not be discounted for strength training either, I found when I threw it in the mix with regular heavy lifting everything improved, including my cardio endurance.
I hope I don't screw it up now that I talked about it.

I'm up ridiculously early in order to do last minute studying for a big exam today. So, obviously I am wasting the precious slumber I sacrificed if I sit here too long but I wanted to update a bit. I'll be making the rounds (reading/commenting) this afternoon more than likely, once the pressure is off about this test.
Hit the gym at school in between classes yesterday and knocked out 30 minutes of cardio. Felt ravenously hungry most of the rest of the day and my internal thermometer was all out of whack, I felt like it was 90 degrees inside when it was only 75, I just wanted to climb out of my skin.
This morning I finally look a bit leaner again and I can actually feel my triceps. I just went through such a weird bloated time that I of course started freaking out that nothing I am doing was working. It does happen damnit! I've witnessed it in blogland, so there.
Three workouts in four days and tomorrow will be 4 workouts in five days. I'm earning sparkpoints rapidly, now if I just had an Internet program that encouraged me to study. Oh wait, that's what I need to do to GET A JOB EVENTUALLY.

Holy smokes am I tired and ...I started to say sore but it's not soreness, it's muscle exhaustion. My arms feel heavy and my neck is extremely tight and hard to move so I can look downward.
I skipped my lifting session scheduled for yesterday, but never fear, I did it today! I also combined in cardio work so basically I got two workouts in one day. Am very proud of that but let's hope I can put my toddler in the car.
Must go run over to get him, but I wanted to pop on-I had the munchies big time yesterday and just kept eating and eating. Woke up today convinced that I had made myself sloppy and bloated from doing that and even argued internally when I felt slim in my yoga pants. "Self, there is no way you actually look slim to other people, think of that 100 calorie pop corn and the peanut butter and the apple muffins..."
Well shut the hell up stupid voice, I did much better on my negative pushups, lowered myself down to the floor, straight as a board, without even straining-but I think I had already toasted my shoulders 'cause I couldn't do that many at all even though my chest muscles felt like they were raring to go. I'm going to work on that tomorrow or Thursday by themselves.
Anyway, probably not making sense since I am hurrying to get out the door. More later, Fall has arrived! Woo Hoo!

Interestingly enough, MSG was something we briefly talked over in my intro to Medications course which focuses on food and drug interactions. It was at the top of the list for things people have severe allergic reactions to, followed closely by sulfites (wine additive) which at one point was added to fresh vegetables but so many people went into allergic shock that the practice was chunked.
Anyway, more things to comment on and I appreciate the commenting, makes me feel loved not to mention gives me things to think about-sorry I've been MIA on YOUR blogs, I am reading just not much time to be on the 'net anymore.
Speaking of, gotta go but we are staying at the Gaylord Texan tonight and treating ourselves at their gourmet restaurants. I think I'm going to order the vegetable platter which may sound boring but OMG, I need to learn how to cook veggies at home the way they do, I remember last time we were there I decided that it what I would get next time because it was all so delicious and I liked them better than my entree. We're having main at one place and then going for dessert at the steakhouse, they have a chocolate souflee I am keen on. Speaking of fancy food, I'm going to be working and participating at two cooking classes at school: holiday chocolates and creme puffs/crepes. So excited! Of course I will share what I learn.
Workouts: Did not get to the gym Wednesday, tried to study instead which was waylaid by some ignorant ass people that would not quit griping about us studying. Lesson learned, I would have been better off in a closed off room or actually going to the gym instead. I did workout here at night though, another lifting session, but nothing since then. So Sunday night: lifting and swimming, Monday: swimming, Tuesday :cardio 45 minutes, Wednesday: lifting. Not as bad as I thought but not enough to get lean. Bah. I am looking so puffy, you can't even see my triceps really which is pissing me off. I also must keep in mind my lady stuff is about to descend any day so that is probably the culprit but I resent being limited by hormones.
PS If I read one more time that Jessica Simpson is "too big, gross, icky" etc because she actually is getting pretty ripped, my head will explode. Stop the stupidity people! The only reason people think muscle is too masculine is women have been put in the weak role by not only men but other women. Stop it.
PPS Still keeping up my sparkpeople streak!

I hereby declare, I shall never eat fried Chinese takeout covered in a sweet cornstarchy sauce, unless I have a deep dislike for myself. I don't even like it anymore and yet I got roped into having it because that is what our family wanted and we were at their place. After seeing that my measly portion had over a thousand calories in it, not counting the rice of egg roll, I say HELL NO. Never again. If I do ever want that I will make my own healthier version at home. Besides, I got GRISTLED by the chicken. If I bite down on a rubbery nasty bite it just ruins it for me.
I did swim some yesterday after lifting weights on Monday so at least I had SOME activity in, and yet I doubt it was enough to counteract that damage. And damage it is, if you don't even enjoy it, I am not trying to be all eating disordered on your ass, just negative. Ha! I feel like I need a disclaimer there: not making fun of actual eating disorders or the people that have them, I was really close myself and traipsed back and forth over the line many times. I associate calling food bad or good or talking about "damage" as eating disorderly type talk-yet it can also have a more valid meaning. If you put fuel into your body that is harmful to it, like massive amounts of salt or alcohol, etc. that IS damange. Anyway, onward.
Ipod is dead and yet I hit the gym again today, after walking uphill for 7 minutes to get there, climbing lots of stairs etc. I did thirty minutes and then had to book it up and down the stairs again and out to the car. Good amount of activity but then I ate a hot dog at dinner in addition to my burger. None of this was fast food and it was yummy and yet maybe I did not need all that. I was truly hungry though so no regrets.
This has dissolved into a food count. Point is, work out=good, food=decently good sparkpeople streak=good.
Speaking of the streak, I just "leveled up" to the bigger trophy which is cool and yet kinda sucky cause I am back down at the bottom of working towards the next one. Now that I am tracking food though it should fly by, maybe I should continue until next trophy?
Plan on adding in a second lifting session tomorrow at school, will be my first time to try out what they have and I hope it does not suck but worse case scenario I just drop and do my pushups or whatever. Maybe they have a pullup bar? Will report back soon!

Just finished sending off an assignment that was hard to type up since I'm shaky. Got a lifting workout in after getting the little guy in bed for his nap. He was still fighting it but I listened to him on the monitor and his protests dwindled just like I knew they would.
So last Sunday night was my last weights workout and here it is Sunday again, but at least I got it done. No music made it sort of crappy, but since my iPod died I really had no choice on that one. Yesterday I pretty much rested all day, slept all night and then took a 2 and a half hr nap on top of that and then was ready to drop at about 10 despite coffee, etc.
During the week I got one workout in (hell I THINK that was this week I did that) on Wednesday and otherwise I did not get much in other than walking the stairs at school when I could. Very hectic and overwhelmingly crappy week, as you all know from the last post. Thanks for the comforting words!
Ugh, creatine powder is like purposefully drinking sand. I do believe it works though, but I need to be more diligent about it. One of my classmates already has a masters in kineseology and is now going for the nutrition leg of her career. She agrees that it is one of the few supplements that actually has been proven to work. Very interesting, I did that one workout on Sunday and looked pretty cut the next few days after that. Today I look puffy and have to go to a pool party so that sort of sucks. Ah well, I'll be too busy throwing my son into the water (he loves it) to worry about stupid shit like that. Rawr.
Kept up using spark people, even went back and recorded my intake after spending the night at my mom's, thought about blowing it off but I really think it is helping me stay on track towards my goals.
Speaking of goals, it was easier to do negative pushups today though still difficult, I'll keep plugging away. I can do a wussy half pushup now but I want to do proper to the floor, back straight, badass ones. I think that's a technical term.
Have no idea on the pull-up front, I'll have to work on that one in the gym or get myself a home pull up bar. That might be an idea...I know there are plenty of them out there that you don't have to permanently attach to the doorframe. For now I will stick with doing the Yate's row and pushups. Yoga actually does a LOT for my back, I MUST get back on that, I miss it but I have no idea where my dvd is and so once again disorganization makes things sucky.
Ciao, gotta finish drinking my sand smoothie and then hit the rain locker.

I spoke too soon. Classes today sucked ass and the teacher did not like me and chose to show this by disagreeing with anything I said, things I know are fact, and it was extremely disheartening. Anything that could go wrong did today, and I am just thankful that bedtime is drawing nigh and tomorrow is a new day.
I do not have lunch or snacks packed for tomorrow. I do not have an outfit picked out either, but I DO think I am relatively prepared for class, except for that whole pesky required reading thing.

Today just SUCKED. I can't express that enough. Also? No exercise and then went out to dinner to not face cooking and dinner sucked, despite having tasted what I ordered last time when Husband ordered it. His was awesome last time, tonight? Sucked. Meh.

Did not record food in spark people, better do that, hate to break my streak because I'm being pissy. After that? Off to bed.

PS My iPod died. I think I mentioned that, but that added to the cumulative suckage.

Yesterday I tried to go to my old gym and workout after class ended a bit early and circled around and around only to see people parking on the grass illegally and I got mad and left. Thwarted! Rats!
Got home and felt crummy so it might have been for the best that I was unable to go hit the gym but it sure did piss me off. That's OK, I got in a workout today in between classes, it was a tight fit schedule wise but I have to make this happen or I will go crazy without it. Did my 30 min routine I mentioned before, ten minutes on three diff machines and I had a friend from class working out with me so that was very cool. Both our iPods died! And then another girl in biochem had hers die today too. Weird, maybe they were in a cult and drank the Kool-aid today.
UGH, the choc flavored myoplex light shakes are pretty tasty but I just cracked open a french vanilla and it is grodey. I prefer them half frozen anyway, for some reason it also sends satiety better for me in addition to tasting better.
The huge amount of puffiness I had put on, making me go up about a size in fact, seems to have mainly left the building. Barring today of course! I went to put my jeans on and it would have been ridiculous to even button them so I wore some others that usually sag and look weird shortly after donning them, and yet I am reluctant to get rid of them. I got them at Ann Taylor and really like them when I first pull them on, bah. Sometimes sales racks bite you on the ass. Well they fit today with all the extra puff I had going on, and then got really huge in the afternoon along with the top I wore. Very weird, it's like I deflated after working out and I stayed hydrated so don't spank me!
Tracking food is benefiting me in class as we are learning the exchange system and are expected to also learn portion sizes, etc. I already know this crap from being an old hand at weight loss, ha! Who would have thought the stuff most of us bloggers talk about on a daily basis would be what I am about to take an exam over...at least to a pretty large extent. I used to joke that I could eyeball the calorie count of a plate of food at 100 paces. I probably could, and now that will aide me. I'll take anything I can get since I have multiple tests all at once and biochem is a complete fucking mystery to me. The concepts are not, but the nitty gritties are, and it doesn't help to have a very knowledgeable teacher that also has no desire to "dumb it down" for the rest of us common folk.
M@rla, you better keep checking in, no telling when I decide to resurface off and on, haha! PS Person to person: Congrats on kicking the measurement pants' ass!

I climbed up the attic ladder and peered around. There were my 2.5, 5, and 10 lb plates stacked at the top of said ladder, no barbell in sight, and at first I skipped over the dumbbell and case that had all the collars and more weights inside. After many trips up and down, while wearing flip flops (I'm a genius!), I retrieved them all and then grabbed a flashlight. There was the barbell and then I spied the rest of it along with our racquetball rackets and I brought them all down. Weight bench was still on the back patio and Husband had balked about bringing it back to the garage before we get all the storage organization stuff setup. I worked out in our empty garage with the new shiny floor and had to improvise a bit, but I got it done. How did it feel? Abso-freaking-lutely fantastic.
Wow, once again I have lost strength and have to rebuild practically from the bottom. Not quite that low, I think I could arm wrestle an Amoeba at least, but pretty puny. No matter, I won't be thrown off track again, I can promise you that. I usually do flyes for my chest with the attachment on my bench, it just holds the weight plates and I use my own power to move it, and I like that lovely invention. However, weight bench was on the patio so I did negative push-ups, 2 x 10. This worked very well as you can imagine, I only wish I could do regular pushups like I had gotten to at one point. I will get there again and be able to knock out a ton, that is a goal I have set. Also: I will be able to do a set of real live pull-ups at some point, ever since the stupid ass Pres. fitness award thingie in elementary school that particular exercise has haunted me, I hated being humiliated by the gym teacher because I couldn't even do the hanging alternative. Did anyone ever WORK with me to get me to where I could? No. I just got a mark and a disapproving face and the jeering of my classmates. No one ever tried to help me improve on any of that stuff and I dreaded it each and every year. It never even occurred to my young mind that I could ask for help or try on my own, I just thought I sucked. The End. I wonder why I never veered towards the athletic side of school. It's a mystery.
So, push-ups, pull-ups and I want to compete in races. The Hotter than Hell bike ride just went by this last weekend and one of my instructors did the 100k ride-I really admire that. I can't say I'll be picking that one but something would be nice.

Had a cheat meal last night, but it was premeditated and tasty. I wish I would have planned for it more, earlier in the day, but all in all it was not bad. I did not get to lift yesterday but I was very active and I seem to be getting an ear infection, at least it hurt all day when I teared up or tried to chew anything. I feel pretty good today so even if I have to go up in the attic and get my weights down I plan on lifting some heavy things for the sole purpose of building muscles.
On track and feeling good, good morning all and may you all feel the same.

Just made my grocery list out and that is about the most exciting thing I have planned for the day. I desperately need to work on school related things but that is going to be difficult, I've wasted Toddler Naptime showering and making out said list and I'm afraid he'll awake before I get anything else done. The house is a wreck as per usual lately and it makes me feel crazy and yet I have no energy to clean it really. I am making headway cleaning here and there and will get some more done today but what I really want is a magic fairy to come down and get me all set up with a clean work space and lots of office supplies. I'll let you know when that happens.
I'm working towards a streak of eating 5-6 mini meals again BFL style and recording my food in sparkpeople again. It's all well and good to have tantrums that last for 6 months at a time in which I decide it's not faaaaaaiiiirrr to have to record what I eat etc. and I am able to see progress without doing so, however it is not consistent and it disappears. I am now taking off weight I put on in the last few weeks and it is irritating to have to regain ground you already fought and planted a flag upon. I am so extremely busy that it is not that hard to not overeat as opposed to when I have access to the fridge all day and then want to go out to eat all weekend to relieve the boredom or monotony. None of that going on now, I am busier than I think I ever have been and am constantly learning and on the go.
I seem to have lost a great deal of my muscle, and it is pissing me off yet I am on Singe Mama duty today (Husband is playing softball all weekend, national tournament) and I can't go to the gym like I had looked forward to all week. My weight bench is on the back patio and the barbell, weight plates, and dumb bells are all in the attic. Great place for them right? We redid our garage on my "vacation" (bahahaha, snort-worked my ass off, I did)and my husband decided that is where they would go when cleaning out the garage during prep time. Thanks honey! yes I could get them down but by the time I did that the Boy would be awake and I won't be able to use them. I'm going to figure SOMETHING out damnit, hate feeling flabby. To top it off had to get measured in class this week and I am in the worst shape in a long time. I went on a crazy eating spree for the weeks preceding starting my program, not sure why I did that but it was not smart. Ah well, onward! I've learned lots of nifty things about determining energy needs, maybe I'll share once I stop feeling overwhelmed.

Once again I'm sorry I disappeared. University has started and I say that rather than school because this is hard core, existential balls to the wall crazy scheduling school, not community college anymore. For that matter I already attended another branch of UT's system for a literature degree and it was not nearly as hard as this. But I am loving it.
Today I got my bodyfat measured in class through a fancy pants scale that gave me a little read out. Here are my numbers:

Body type: Athletic
Gender: Female
Age: 26
Height: 5' 6"
weight: 148.8 lbs
BMI: 24
Fat%: 21.5
BMR: 6240 kJ or 1492 kcal
Impedence: 479 and then a weird little horseshoe symbol for the unit on that one, heh.
Fat mass: 32.0 lb
Fat free mass: 116.8 lb
Total body water: 85.4 lb

I also had my tricep skinfold measured and that was a disappointing 26 mm. I felt bad about that but I've let myself go the last month.
Being in this program specifically dealing with all of the things I've self taught and been interested in for the last few years is amazing. It also has me excited again about behavior modification and working the numbers. My BMR above should also have about a 10% addition due to the thermal effect of food (energy burned by actually digesting your food) and then what I earned through physical activity. I purposefully walked about half a mile on the connecting path between different parts of campus and I went up the 14 flights of stairs to class after eating lunch. I also walked up quite a few stairs after purchasing my skinny latte from the 'bucks on site. I'm sure I would have done better if I left that out, but after plugging in the numbers at sparkpeople, I apparently took in around 1250 kcals today by following BFL type eating again. I just made sure I had good portions of carbs and protein every 2-3 hrs for a total of 5-6 mini meals, did not count kcals or points or anything but it turns out I was pretty much dead on. I'm going to allow for error in my little feeding frenzy when we hit the door this evening and not go in there and eat something just because there is room. When I am able to hit the gym again in earnest I will definitely up the intake, no point in starving myself.
So I'm back, I'm monitoring my stats again, but from a clinical point of view and I am loving this learning to be a dietitian thing. Yeah.

PS Thank you for the comments you lovely peoples!

I would like to update but just typing this is painful. We just texturized our entire two car garage in two days and my grip strength better be improved by all this damnit. And I was worried about getting enough exercise in with Husband home and a longer drive to the gym.
M@rla, thanks for leaving comments, it makes my day. I'll type an actual entry when my hands are not hurting. I have blisters and some serious soreness.

I need to set some goals, I'm maintaining just fine and floating along fairly effortlessly. I can say that because I can practically go on auto pilot with nutrition and eat very well, it's ingrained at this point. Not to say I don't have my moments but I tend to indulge the really strong desires and then just move on, and that is working great for me. However, my fitness regimen has gotten totally off kilter with the stress of my car being wrecked and dealing with the bs that has gone along with that, it is currently back at the body shop. I got it back and then noticed yesterday that they had washed it with something that left tiny surface scratches all over the damn thing and there were also some bad scratches on the driver side door area. I called and of course was basically told I was lying and had to talk to the manager who told me to bring it in for him to look it over. I hung up and burst into tears, I hate ugly confrontation and having to assert myself. I am fully capable of doing so and I will when needed but it always leaves me shaken, which the more I think about it I believe is an extremely high adrenaline surge I get. Apparently I get fully revved up to either kick someone's ass or to run away, though running away is unlikely-creaky knees you know.
Anyway, it is being fixed but they also stole my son's dvd player out of the car while they had it too, and this is not a tiny body shop-this is owned by the dealership that I bought my car from and I just never expected this sort of unnecessary hassle.
Been worrying about that and finishing up anatomy II (got an A) and also dealing with other people that I can't seem to get along with while trying to plan stuff for my best friend's wedding. Combined with the painful knots I had going it has been rough and I haven't been able to just head over to the gym after school-things I have had to do instead. Today I get back on track.
There's something about "back to school" time that makes me want to start everything brand new, it seems like summer has flown by without my even noticing it and we are already heading into time for fall. I wonder why I feel like kicking it into gear AFTER bathing suit season.
I need to think of goals and a plan and I'll be back here, with 90% less bitching.

Chris thanks for stopping by, sorry to all that I've been MIA lately. Not a lot of working out going on, just lots of stress and a huge knot in my back again.
The knot was from our couch, it's too soft and when I sit on it a lot (usually with my laptop) and also happen to be stressing at the same time it hurts my back. I haven't sat on it for two days now and no pain so I'm fairly certain that is the cause.
I am exhausted and my final is tomorrow morning at 7:30 am. So many things are going on, I am just not up to posting about it all but I haven't exercised since Saturday morning but I did get that 30 min heart pumping walk in and I also ate exceedingly well all weekend at the in-laws, my kryptonite.
So, still here-reading your pages when I can, currently exhausted.

Thanks Kada! I am very happy about my new friend.

And now, I bemoan my eating habits, or urges may be a better term. It is raining buckets outside, thunder and lightening the whole deal and I want comfort food. The problem is, I'm not sure what is comforting anymore. At one point I would have said pizza or fast food or something heinous like a plate of tater tots with chili and cheese all over them or ramen noodles with a hunk of cheese. Now? No thank you, and yet a salad doesn't exactly scream comfort. Maybe that is all in my head because I was thinking of having a salad on the way home from picking our son up a minute ago. I bought some vegetarian chili yesterday too, maybe I'll have that. Would be better with tater tots though, heh.

No gym today, I also stayed home from school and did next to nothing besides starting the new Harry Potter book. I'm about 200 pages in, didn't crack it open until later in the day, but of course it is good and I want to be reading it right now. That's not exactly good parenting though, and neither is typing this while my little one needs attention.

Bye for now.

Hit the gym again for the first time since the wreck and it was really the highlight of my day. 30 minutes of cardio again, I'll probably do that tomorrow as well and then lift on Thursday.
Friday we drive to Tulsa, my father in law is walking! I am so excited that he has made such tremendous progress and we're going to have yet another 2 year old party for our boy (with all the Oklahoma relatives, combined with grandpa in law's 80th birthday).
Once again I have a monster headache and that description is coincidental but it actually came from drinking M0nster energy dr!nk again and then for going it today. I lost my focus here...(see:headache, huge).

Some good things I want to list:

Blood pressure down to averaging 100/60 from 120/80 and a resting heart rate down in the 60s, that is awesome. Also I am stronger both when lifting weights and doing cardio but I'm not sure how to quantify that without it being even more boring than this.

Still being positive and also, made a new friend! Like, a real friend that I call without feeling awkward and talk to every day. Very cool.

Monster truck picture for M@rla.
Monday I was too tired/hungover/still extremely sore to do a workout plus it was my baby's birthday, but Tuesday I was back in the gym. I did thirty minutes of cardio again, ten min bike, ten min incline walking on treadmill, and ten minutes on the bouncy elliptical. The incline walking can get my heart rate up too high quite easily so I say poo to the idea that walking doesn't do "enough". If you're strolling along at your local outlet mall then I would agree but if you are hauling ass or going up and down hills, it counts damnit.
Wednesday I did the same thing.
Thursday? Thursday I got rear ended while sitting at a yield sign and I've been dealing with the fall out from that ever since. I've thought myself better though and have only slight soreness despite the initial pain and discomfort. The hitter (me being the hittee) was a stand up guy who had insurance and every thing is just about over, just have to drop my car off at the body shop tomorrow and once that is done I can get on with things. I'm already thinking of what I can do at the gym tomorrow, this inactivity sucks but I remain positive. It's amazing what your mind can do for you, now I think I know why they say weight loss is mainly in your head. I've eaten meals lately that should have bloated me up but I tell myself how nice it is to be this size and to be healthy and I'm aware that I sound like a kook but I am not gaining even though I would have before. *Cue the twilight zone music

If I could have my way this would be an entry filled with gorgeous photos of our son and touching stories and phrases. However, things never seem to go the way I want them to, and here it is his birthday and I have no such glorious entry crafted.



In fact, I would say becoming a mother IS the only thing that has gone the way I want it, and far beyond. I never knew I would have a comedian, a musician, a dancer and a singer at my disposal any time I want. Any time other than nap or snack time that is, and he works cheap.



I never knew that one little body could stop my heart with one shaky step, make it burst with one sidelong glance, make it grow each day he’s alive. Every day with our son I am one day closer to being a complete person, I can feel it. I am one half of his world (hey, Da Da counts too) and in the mornings when his hair is tussled and his skin all warm and snuggly and those little arms reach out for me, I know I’ve done something right.

Happy Birthday John Reid bear, two years old and on top of the world.

In about six hours I have roughly 25 people descending on our house, and I INVITED THEM. WTF was I thinking? Still some cleaning that needs to be done and of course the massive amounts of food and balloons and I have to make The Cake.
Our little guy turns two tomorrow and I'll try and write an entry relevant to that then. Yesterday morning, despite wading through a cheerleader convention that took up the all of the parking, and having to endure their grating "cheering", I made it in to the gym and lifted there for the first time. I got to use a squat rack, something new for me, and that must surely be why my legs hate me today and I have slowly lower and raise myself from the toilet. You wanted to know.
I hurt all over today, thanks to the reunion with my beloved assisted pull-up/dip machine (combined with all the other moves) my upper body is in bad shape today too. Just what I needed when trying to get ready for a big party! I'm happy, don't get me wrong.
I also tried the waterfall pool after lifting, its about a foot deep with waterfalls at one end-designed for sunbathing. Of course after laying out for 20 minutes I became convinced that skin cancer was sprouting on my shoulders, so that may be used sporadically. It was very relaxing though, I felt like I was on vacation and I sense this could be something I can use for stress management, not to mention there are family hours that we can bring our little sweetie.

I did go swim yesterday in the lap pool, and yes it was a comedic disaster actually getting to the pool. I had anxiety about not knowing exactly where to go, how to act, what to do and oh my God I might do something wrong and other people would see me! Ack! <-------get over it, honey.
I decided to ask the front desk guy, despite it making me squirmy to do so, if there was anything special I needed to know-did they have towels or should I bring one, was their a locker room in the pool area, etc. I had seen doors on the other side of the glass with the different locker room designations so I thought maybe they had locker room areas over there as well. He said no they didn't and to just wrap my towel around me if it bothered me and they had towels for 25 cents but to bring my own if I wanted in case. I specifically told him I was there to swim and he waved me on through with nary a mention that the DAMN POOL WAS NOT OPEN FOR ANOTHER HOUR.
Yes, I changed out, took a shower so I was now WET in my bathing suit, walked out through the front entry of the locker room right in front of all the cardio bunnies and meat heads only to walk up to the glass doors that surprisingly did NOT OPEN. There is something about trying to open a door that is locked that embarrasses me in a big way. I them hear someone say, "What's that girl doing in a bathing suit..." right before I read the hours sign for the fifth time to finally see that on weekends it opens at ten but during the week its closed 'till 11:30. It was 10:45 by that time, I turned and walked quickly back to the locker room while my mind whirled crazily. There was an entrance to the pool directly from the locker room, which I had tried and finding it locked concluded, "This must be why the front desk guy did not mention this door, they must not use it" before I walked out to do my walk of shame. I had reasoned that surely he would have mentioned the pool was not open, but that's what I get for assuming things. It makes an ass out of me and me.

I've never had good luck with combination locks and this was no exception. I am standing there dripping and embarrassed (though that was lessening, who gives a flip what those people think) and struggling with the damned thing for quite a while before I got it open. Put my clothes back on and even though I was wearing sandals I decided to go upstairs and walk on the indoor track. So I walked a mile, stretched a bit, and then was able to change back out and go through the previously locked door.
The sign on the wall said there were five lanes, 5 being the slowest swimmers and yet there was no designation of what was what. I had to get the lifeguard's attention which was sort of hard to do since he was busy staring outside acting bored while simultaneously thinking about how HOTT he finds himself. After he said no one pays attention to that I just did my thing and swam for thirty minutes, pretty much constantly. I did ten laps, twenty lengths, or 500 meters-whatever you want to call it. My neck was killing me since I was keeping my face out of the water the whole time (no goggles or anything) but I really liked it and plan on buying some gear to make it more fun. Goggles and probably the weird little nose clip thingie, I want to go underwater a lot more, that was always what I liked about swimming when I was a kid-going underwater and doing as many flips as possible. It made me feel like a mermaid or a dolphin-I always had a good imagination.

No workout today, I had planned on lifting but I'm incredibly fatigued today and feeling crappy from something that was in my sushi last night-must have been msg I think. My finger joints and wrists are swollen and the skull sinus on the back of my head hurts. Damn it's already 4 and this house is still a wreck. I have 18-20 people coming over here and I am no where near ready. At least I bought the cake mix and other stuff for it, gotta have priorities and I only get to eat this cake once a year when I make it myself. I'll have to post the recipe, it is beyond delicious.

I'll actually post later about my swimming experience, but for now just an fyi I answered comments in the comment section. I wish there was an easier way, that's my one complaint about blogspot. Livejournal has a great commenting system.

Today must be a rest day, I am "tore up from the floor up" as the saying goes. I am just exhausted and my body is being held together with string, not to mention I'm still having random female trouble and that doesn't mix with today's activity.
I packed my bag last night so I had full intentions but it is just not to be today. I think I'll go to school and then come home and take a nap. This house has to be clean by Sunday (little guy's 2nd birthday party) and someone has to do it. It's never a full blown sty but it sure can look like it with toys and Hubby detritus everywhere.

Hit the gym again today, this time I did 15 minutes on the stair master (and of course my left knee started complaining), then 16 on the elliptical but this one was different than what I am used to and I really liked it, felt like I was doing a combo of bouncing /dancing which is why I went on past the 15 minute mark a bit and had to tell myself to stop.
My legs don't even want to go on at this point, the white flag is up and waving frantically back and forth. Tomorrow, I swim laps.
I have never been in a lap pool and also I had to go buy a bathing suit that would not have my bosomy area popping out left and right. Wow, one piece bathing suits are really unflattering, especially ones made for sporty type stuff. Kada, they were all racer back style and I did not like it either! I remembered your post on it. Also I wear anything from a 4-8 now and I had to get a size 14 to fit. WTF? Whatever, as long as I can swim in it and not have my ass showing through the material or boobage popping out, I will call it good. I plan on swimming tomorrow and then we shall see what's next. The waterfall pool is going to get a visit too but it's just to lay around and be lazy in, not for SERIOUS BUSINESS.
Did I mention I don't know how to swim "properly"? This should be good. Yep.
Saw two girls actually using free weights today. The first was doing bicep curls (meh, though I am not totally snobby about that like some people I've read) and the second was doing Bulgarian split squats. Progress I think, I'm a bit nervous about lifting in public again, I like private so much better since I can try things out without an audience and spitting and scratching are allowed, not to mention I just bring my iPod stereo out to the garage instead of having the earbud cords strangling me. As always, I'll keep you posted.

I could strangle my last OB/GYN, I feel more and more that she has contributed greatly to a lot of my mysterious female issues. Whats more, when I communicated to her that I had too much pain to have relations (wink wink, nudge nudge) with my husband she was not too concerned about fixing it. She's seemed increasingly bitter towards her own husband and I don't appreciate the fallout on me. Anyway, sonogram came out clean so my new gyno thinks maybe the nuvaring birth control I was on, which is higher in estrogen-THANKS OLD GYNO, might be encouraging the out of control bleeding, disrupted cycle, etc. Anyway, she's moved me to a different type and I think I'm going to like it, instead of sugar pills during your off week (in this case four days) you have iron pills. That's pretty neat and something I need as I am always slightly anemic or borderline.
FIL is now in rehab hospital to work on his left side, heart is doing great but the after effects from the stroke are what is bothering him at this point. Thank you for well wishes for him and me as well, much appreciated.
The vaccinations I got on Friday kicked my ass all weekend. They were required for my program this fall in order to insure me while I see patients. Measles, mumps rubella (mmr), tetanus/diphtheria and a tuberculin skin test-all of which left me feeling crappy. Today I did manage to get to the gym for the first time since we went and played racquetball together, and I knocked out 30 minutes of fairly intense cardio and managed to like it. I decided to go back to my old method when I started exercising which was 30 min cardio, ten minutes on 3 machines. I started with the stationary bike, then the tread for intervals, then the stair master. No stair master today, my knees need the break I think so I did incline walking and some running on the treadmill for some extra time. Nice equipment, nice facilities, etc. Of course this IS at one of the snootiest private colleges around so I'll just let you imagine the clientèle.
Speaking of taking it easy, I've had this weird sore spot on my spine that started freaking me out when it got really big and hurty this weekend and the skin was red. Doc said it is bone, I was right and that it is most likely from lifting too heavy over my head. Whoops! I have to take it down a notch so I will probably switch to lateral raises for a bit, or I may just cut back the weight even though I think it is already a paltry amount.
The free weights area at the new gym is meathead central which I am not too excited about, I only saw one woman working out over there and of course that was with her boyfriend who was putting her through the paces. Lots of ab work, no heavy lifts that I saw, definitely no compound movements. Sigh.
Please update lovelies, I have no energy and would like to be able to read stuff.

Back but I've just been too exhausted and busy to get online much. I am usually bored surfing the net wondering why no one understands I am the center of the universe and they should update for my amusement. Lately I have not even had enough time to make it through my regular reads, let alone hit Whingey Level Orange, Danger Danger.
Anyway, FIL is doing well/not doing well depending on what angle you examine the situation from-he has been finally moved to a private room out of ICU I THINK, though that could be misinformation as they tried to move him before but he had a stroke that morning that made him go back to ICU. He had four bypasses and it was a beating heart surgery, meaning no bypass machine was used which as a science nerd I find absolutely fascinating. Only a very quick, very skilled surgeon can pull that off and that part of the ordeal went very well. They couldn't just go in and clean out the blockage because diabetes had thinned out the connecting portions of his arteries, they were screwed every which way to Sunday so had to be chunked in the bin basically. His leg is hurting something awful where they took out the vessels used for the bypasses.
I am about to leave to get a sonogram done, abnormal bleeding and pain has been plagueing me since last Tuesday and my doc wants to find out what is going on inside. My mother had a full hysterectomy at roughly one year older than I am now because she had cysts that did not dissolve which turned cancerous. I am praying this is not what is going on right this minute as I sit here and type.
I've experienced some wonderful, tasty healthy food lately and discovered some great restaurants. Yesterday I had a meal by myself in a French place and it was absolutely incredible. I can see why they say French women don't get fat, the food is so damn good it's a crime to choke it down like I do burgers and fries. I took forever to eat my soup and salad and crusty bread and felt super satisfied when I was done. I also spent a lot of moola at Target and got tons of great tops, I think I left feeling so happy because I avoided trying on pants.
So, drinking water to have a full bladder, about to go get a rude test done and I only hope nothing terrible is wrong, but I don't have the best feeling at this point. I'm trying to catch up on blogs as I can, hope all is well.

My father-in-law went in for his angiogram this morning and it was as far from good as it gets. They're doing a full bypass on him immediately and we are headed that way in the morning. His blood force (push of blood through the chambers) dropped from an already bad 35% of 60 down to 20% and his arteries are obstructed big time. One is pinched and the other may not even be operable.
People, this man was thought to be in relatively good health, but he had diabetes unknown to any of us that has screwed up his heart in a big way and I'm terrified I'm going to lose someone very special to me.
We only get one body, let's hope they can repair his. I guess I'll be doing a ton of walking since I'll be out of my element. I'm an emotional passionate person and my husband and his whole family are very stoic and detached, pray for me or send good thoughts, whatever your preference.

Still extremely sore this morning, I guess it will just be walking for me today. I have my last lab practical at 11:50 and I just don't wanna study or take it, so burnt out and I still have two more years to go. I've been doing this for 4 yrs now and I just want to be done. Meh. I know I will be pumped again when I get into my program and am doing field work, so no worries.
Nasal passages feeling great still and when I finally got to sleep, I slept HARD. Must be getting more oxygen, eh?

I ordered a neti pot and it arrived Saturday, but for some reason I felt overwhelmed with the idea of mixing things and pouring it through my nostrils. Tonight I dug down for a bigger set of balls (metaphorically) and did it and I feel great! I think I've gone around with partially obstructed passages and mucus in my throat pretty much all the time and just thought that was normal. Apparently it's not and you feel way better if you get rid of it. Let's say I am feeling extremely optimistic that I will rest better and not get sick as often as I tend to do. At least four or five doctors have told me my issues stem from allergies and that Dallas is one of the top allergen centers of the country so I have to take meds every day or just deal with it. Perhaps some natural medicine can do the trick, please, please, please.
I now have the use of my arms, at least partially. What a weird statement, eh? Well my husband and I played an hour or more of racquetball yesterday and if you've never experienced this particular game, it is an ass kicking workout. I used to play my own modified version of it at home with a tennis racket, bouncing a tennis ball against the back wall of the house and keeping it going was the objective. I did that all the time when I was much younger, maybe 12-15 yrs ago. So let's just all assume I got my ass handed to me and am sore in places I didn't know existed. My right arm in particular has been pretty much useless all day, like the Wii arm you hear about but I actually played a sport instead of a video game. (not that I am against the gaming system, anything that gets people active is great) We had so much fun and it was a great workout that just felt like play time. I can't wait to do it again.
Speaking of playing again, I'll probably play solo several times a week now that my class schedule is shifting and I'm familiar with the gym. It's gorgeous, only about a year or two old with all these nifty features I've never had the privilege of using. I will be trying a guided nordic track treadmill class with hills and sprinting, heavy bag cardio class, and a fused yoga pilates class-though that one may be harder to get to. There's a staircase you can run and then it has a track that goes down you can walk instead of running back downstairs-hard to explain but way cool. Well equipped free weights area that I'll definitely be taking advantage of, individual lcd screen tv's on the cardio machines, an indoor rock climbing facility, lap pool, outdoor lounge area pool that's shallow and you can just hang out-waterfalls and such. We both have memberships for $10/month because of Husband's employment at the university. Not bragging, just super excited. I've never been part of something like this, it's like fitness heaven. The showers even have the little bench enclosed with the stall but out of the water area so you can put your stuff down there without it getting wet. My new class will be over by 11:30 and I can just cruise over there before picking up the young'un.
It will probably be another week before I tackle the classes, we shall see. Two more exams and anatomy I is over.

PS Live Free Die Hard was the most fun, exciting movie I've seen in a long time. Obviously it's an action flick, but I'd say it's the best one in quite a while.

Kada honey, I can't comment on your page-in firefox I've always had a problem so I open IE briefly, just for you and Dynamo, but now I can't even get to the comments link in IE.
So, I'll just say here, proud of you for taking steps to better your life(psyche) and I think you should focus on the positive steps you are taking and I am your friend, even if I'm just on the Internet, way over here in Texas. Email me anytime.

Comments from the posts before the new one have been answered IN the comments again. love!

Yesterday was my husband's thirtieth birthday and we went to dinner and a movie. Sounds lame for childless folks but we never get to go to movies anymore and dinner is sometimes spent with bated breath hoping the tired toddler will not erupt. Not to be misleading, our Boy is actually a very good dinner guest most of the time, but the times he is not...yeah. Pictured here is our appetizer, a dragon roll.

It even has ears or something and it tasted lovely. The place was sort of Asian fusion I suppose...I had macadameia nut encrusted chicken with a miso cream sauce and papaya relish, white cheddar mashed potatoes and wok tossed veggies. Unbelievably good, and I asked for the cream sauce on the side and just forked a little out on the chicken. It went along with eating for health and I enjoyed it. The veggies were insanely tasty and made me want one at home but Im sure they add something to make it awesome. The place was called Khona Grill (I believe) and had these cool umbrella lights hanging from the ceiling, very flattering glow, *wink.

We then went to see the F@ntastic F0ur movie and I am not trying to detract from Jessic@ Alb@, but she was painfully thin and looked so fragile. She looked absolutely beautiful, don't misunderstand, but very barbie doll like and like she could fall threw a sewer grate. Great movie though, but only if you like comic book movies, which I do.
And here is my outfit for the birthday night:
Those heels are about four inches (and zebra print) but I managed to walk around quite a bit, and if I took off my shoes during the movie and massaged the bottoms a bit, no one is the wiser. You can't really see if well but the top is corset style and has ribbons pulled tight under the bust and tied. The skirt I just bought and am in love, it swings when I walk and is lined so it feels very twirly. I also just got the green leather bag and I'm super happy about it all, I finally visited TJ M@xx and got all this great stuff for wonderful prices.
I need to post about how things are going, it feels magical, and effortless, and I feel like, "Why did I not figure this out a long time ago?"

Good Lord I am sore. I finally got a lifting session in Friday, and thought maybe something was wrong because it only took me thirty minutes, but in reality I worked harder than I usually do. I burned 330 calories in around 33 minutes and what I had considered a good workout was 400 something in 45 to an hr, so you do the math because it is too early.
We then went to some friends' for the day yesterday and I spent the day running after wee ones and swimming. I actually swam instead of standing in the water like everyone else and I think I got some decent activity in and it felt good to glide through the water and to spin in circles.
I now feel sure I have hit upon what clicks in MY brain. I would still eat badly or drink when it was geared towards not getting fat again. I knew that in reality doing that here and there or even a little each week would only be a temporary blip on the weight loss radar, yet when I approach every single thing I do with the question of, "would my body like this, am I taking care of my good friend that makes life worth living?" I don't eat badly at all or have the desire to. It may be just calling it a different name but I don't think so. Knowing how the body truly works (I've taken a LOT of biology courses now) has changed how I view the wonder that is the human body completely. It is an absolutely amazing machine and I am not abusing it anymore.
I think this new nerve med is working and I am so excited that I might feel like a normal woman again. It is also much more friendly than the previous med that I wasted time with, when I first wake up I feel completely put under, but if I get up and get moving, no problem really.
So two workouts, eating is going well, freaky woman troubles under control or at least on their way: life is good.

I'm a thinker. Sometimes it takes me awhile to puzzle out the truth behind all the muck I have to wade through, you know, with all that thinking I do. Ha! Anyway, I decided that dieting was the big evil boogity boo that made me feel bad, but in reality I think following a food plan with the intent of being thin, rather than healthy like I told myself, was the problem. Don't get me wrong, I never did unhealthy things like taking pills or starving myself or whatever, but bottom line is when I ate my 4-5 serves of veggies and limited simple carbs like bread or chips or whatever, it was with my weight and appearance in mind. Being healthy was sort of a side effect, and yes something I celebrated. Here's the thing, I feel at peace since my wake up of my father in law's health scare/disaster. Update on that: he is now getting an angiogram on his heart because it looks all wonky and is leaking fluid. Take care of yourself people, skinny or fat! It sucks all the way around that it took this to slap me in the face, but sometimes that is the way it works. So I am truly asking myself in every situation I run into, whether it's fixing lunch, getting enough sleep, or taking stairs instead of the wheelchair ramp, if it is the best choice for my body and health. My wonderful father in law was one of those people that carried a lot of weight around the middle but lost a ton of it by simply eating canned soups for lunch instead of going out to eat everyday, though they still ate out at night most of the time. Being a man (bastard, KIDDING) he lost weight and kept on eating donuts and bullshit left and right, because HEY not fat over here so who cares about veggies? So anyway, now I am focusing on health and my body size and weight will be the side effect. A variation on the live as the person you want to be kind of thing. If I live as a healthy person, I should reflect that choice and if I never get to a smaller size, so be it.
I may post what I eat here and there because I think I do need accountability and a food plan (somewhat) if I want to truly take the best care of myself that I can. If that bores anyone, please look away.
And further more, when I go to the in laws' various functions, they can stuff it when they hassle me about what I eat. I am going to simply tell them, "This is the choice I am making for myself and it has not reflection on any choice any one else makes, so please let me be." If all hell breaks loose, so be it, and of course I'll run back and tell you about it. Ha!
Damn, I'm tired with all the thinking. No, if that were true I'd be exhausted all the time because I do seem to yammer incessantly, even if it is to myself a lot of the time.
I wanted to lift today but I started a new med (for my nerve pain issues) and I can tell it will be better than the last one that I took myself off of, but it is kicking my ass right now in the adjustment period. I also got my period, SEGUE! So, there you go...want to get back to regular exercise, it's part of who I am now, but I may just need to be patient with getting used to this.

Note: I answered comments IN the comments this time. Just fyi. More later...

Found out late last night that my father in law (technically his step-dad but we count him more than the natural one) has diabetes, his blood sugar was 320!!! and one of his kidneys had completely atrophied. More news this morning, not only completely atrophied but covered with cysts and the other kidney is infected and has a stone so large it will have to be removed surgically. I did not sleep well.
What a wake up call to quit being silly and to take are of myself and my family and to be true to what I believe in rather than pursuing this half assed notion of being "normal" again. Fuck being normal, I think I'd rather be an abnormal health nut.

Alright the insanity has to stop some time right? I ate so much macaroni n' cheese today that I am having severe stomach cramps. I think I forgot to mention that this was not out of the box, powdery orange pasta type stuff-this was made by a chef and I am sure is full of cream, buttery, and lots of full fat cheese. Delicious but I felt sick as soon as I went back and scooped two more portions out on my plate, then proceeded to scarf it all even though my body started fussin' about halfway through. This is leftover from my husband's birthday weekend and is also accompanied by sausage lasagna made by the same lady. I am not touching another morsel, mark my words. Not because I am not good enough to eat it, not because it will make me gain weight back, no...because it is literally too rich to eat much of it. My goodness. And the thing that makes me mad is I was fully aware the whole time what I was doing was not a good choice and I did it anyway. I have a history of that-drinking too much, foolin' around with ne'er do wells, taking illegal substances in my younger days...bah. And the thing is, enjoyable while it is going on but hell to pay afterwards and I DO mean it when I say, "never again" but somehow never gets twisted to, "maybe just once more."
I am feeling sluglike, I am not feeling like myself and I don't know how to get back to that girl. Any "action plan" I form vaguely in my head doesn't come to fruition. It's close to 100 degrees outside and extremely humid, and I can stand out in the sun for a few minutes before declaring to myself that I am meeeelllllting. I hate Texas summers. The end.
So to get back on track I need to workout everyday and I need to cook a lot more and have stuff readily made that is not mac n' lard or heart attack lasagna. Bah.

Life is hectic right now, I'll write more when I can.

Wow! Thank you so much for the beyond nice comments on my picture. That is something else I've been thinking about, I think most women (at least those that I know) are not happy with photographs of themselves, but do we really put any effort into trying to change that? What I mean is I think if you take different shots of your self, especially your face, you can figure out what angles. etc. look best but I for one have always felt too self conscious to do so. It's that fear I've mentioned before of seeming to be full of myself or like I am "bragging", the same fear that keeps me from truly being proud of all the things I've accomplished. Truth is others may think just that, that I'm a braggert, etc. if I take ownership of things that I SHOULD be proud of or that I should at least acknowledge, but that doesn't matter. What does matter is I am kinder to myself, that I am not afraid of being strong or "too much" sometimes, because in reality that is who I am and the greater crime is how I tend to "dumb down" in so many aspects to be accepted. I have punished myself needlessly trying for this physical ideal, thinking then I could be fearlessly outspoken on fitness/nutritional topics for example. People look at me as if I must be talking out of my ass because I'm not a size 2 or they see me eating cheese fries and drinking beer. I have enough self imposed perfectionism and I don't need anyone else's, thank you. I see some pictures of myself and like them, but more often I hate the face I am making or the angle or you name it and I think if I will quit being afraid of so-called self absorption, and take steps to make friends with the camera, then more times than not I can be happy with what I see. Models spend years perfecting posing, etc. and yet the average woman thinks something is wrong with her if the image in the photograph isn't a great one.
Our outsides are just a facet of who we are, but it doesn't necessarily have to mean we are vapid or silly for learning to put our best foot forward.
I feel like I'm not communicating properly but I don't think I'll hit the backspace and erase it all.
Once again, your comments really made my day and made me look at myself in a different perspective, I plan on posting more pictures of myself, my family and the people and places I live with/around while I explore who I am further.

Just so you can put a face to my babbling. My mom and I laid on the couches in the living room and made silly faces and took self portraits. I look tan. I am not.

Being sick is no fun to talk about and even less fun to deal with, but today I seem to be on my way finally to being better. I ALMOST slept through the night last night and have only coughed periodically today. Normal daily activity (which for me is quite a lot being a mom and student, etc) is completely wiping me out so no workouts yet though I am itching to get back to it. We're discussing muscle in my anatomy class and I found myself daydreaming during lecture about really busting ass-knowing the science behind stuff really allows my inner geek to blossom.
I've been doing great on body image and self acceptance, eating "normally" etc. but I'm getting some anxiety about this weekend, having to wear a bathing suit in front of Hubby's snotty friends and critical family. Meh. The thing is if I really examine this anxiety there's not much to base it on...they may notice I'm squishier and then guess what...they'll immediately move on to something else. They DON'T CARE, I project that on to them I think. What a waste of time, maybe I should be worrying more about what cool stuff I can talk about, though I hate to admit these aren't exactly intellectuals I'll be dealing with...
So I'm flabby from not working out and being sick and now I'm plunging head first into a Weekend of Food and Drinking, I'll not be refusing anything but I will be ONLY eating as much as I want of what I want and the food pushers can kiss my newly rounded ass.

Having a fabulous time, surprise surprise there is internet access here (wasn't last time I was here) and I am pretty dang sick but I plan on burning that out with some Crown Royal later, ha!
Had an awesome breakfast burrito at Joe's Deli in Vail Village this morning, the sun is shining and its a balmy 50 degrees. Heaven to this heat sensitive Texan. I've taken tons of pictures but did not bring a usb cable or my flash drive cause I thought I would be netless. Le sigh.
Love to all.

I don't comment on your blogs as often as I should, I feel inadequate at best when I am really struck by something you post. All of you. Marla, many of your posts really strike a cord with me and yet I'm not sure what to say that would be of any worth to the already lovely writing. The post about food pushing especially hit me but I have yet to say anything. And my inspiring Seattle friend Dynamo360, your thinking posts, well they make me think. Ha! So like my own posting, I will strive to stop being frozen from commenting because I DO want you to know I think you rock.
Hamstring is fine now but I started getting miserably sick last night. I feel like the highest frequency germ factory on the planet. Not the ILLEST person by any means as there are so many people dealing with seriously gnarly stuff, but I have persistent crappy colds, allergies, fatigue, etc. I blame Texas. Only half joking here.
Had fucked up dreams last night that I woke up and we were already in Vail and I totally did not remember the flight or the drive which led to panicking wondering if I had drank or taken something. And the mountains were more like molehills and I was so disappointed that I had finally gotten a chance to share them with my mom and then the betrayed me by being hills, and my dad was there with my brother (parents are recently divorced) and there was a repair dude named Clovis working on the water line? He looked like Morgan Freeman.
My throat is super swollen, my voice is hoarse and I feel all woozy. Perfect to go to a high altitude! I told my mom it would be in the 20s at night and she freaked! "Where are you taking me??" haha.
Huge day ahead of me, gotta finish the packing of the suitcase and then get to school then rush to my moms, eat and pick her up and then start the hellish process that is the airport. I hate airports, all of the check points and toll booths and what have you give me extreme anxiety.
Still not dieting, don't think I ever will again. THAT gives me peace.

Twanged my left hamstring while lifting-was using light weights(been off the rails for almost 3 weeks so was not able to lift as much, *pout) and being very careful with form.
Meh.
Icing now and will elevate later, hopefully it heals before my damn MOUNTAIN VACATION. Argh, all that lovely hiking.

I've noticed I am avoiding writing anything anywhere on the 'net 'cause I am overwhelmed with wanting it to be perfect. I've got to stop that or I'll never post anything and will just fade away with words flying around my brain.
What I meant by I would rather people notice me or even admire me for what I achieve rather than what size my pants happen to be. That is such a fleeting, unimportant "achievement", if you think about people that are famous for academics, art, literature, etc. their appearances are not the first thing that comes to mind. Yes, I am sure they are commented on by someone, somewhere considering the humanity wide obsession with looks (or is that just Americans? ha!), but if you invited them to your mid-week soirée to partake of some fine Sam's Club red wine and a cheese tray, they damn sure would have something interesting to talk about. I am an interesting person, I am not delusional or filled with self loathing, but quite frankly when you are in "diet" mode it does consume your thoughts and quite a bit of time. I've explored the idea lately of what happens if I try and stop losing weight, drink some beer, even get a good bit bloated. Guess what? NOTHING. Nothing except some fun materialized and a short term vacation from my own mental weirdness. I'm struggling with self acceptance because I am also a big believer in being the best possible version of one's self and to strive for self improvement. Here's the kicker and why self acceptance needs to happen: I have changed into a person that enjoys nutritious healthy foods and regular exercise and so chilling the fuck out is not going to STOP THE EARTH'S ROTATION. I may not get as thin as I would have liked originally but that is also another magic phenomenon that I am experiencing with my new mental efforts. I never thought stick thin was attractive but I am turned off by just about every picture I see of supposedly "hot" women out there. Way too thin, legs look like they wouldn't be able to support any amount of serious weight and since when did women want to look like boys with buoys strapped to their chests? Just curious. I do think a lean strong body is hot but I also am realizing that my stomach will probably never be truly flat and that is fine. I had a baby, I gained and lost the same 30-40 several times, and through the last few months I have experienced a new level of leanness in my physique and even with barely any skin to pinch on my abdomen it is not flat. Why do I think it should be? I'm not sure and now that I realize that I don't actually care too much. Just shining a bright light on the negative thinking has served to dispel a lot of it. No matter how thin I've gotten it's not what I have in my head as what it should be. I consistently wear a size 8. I'll let that sink in...to my head as well as yours. In what universe is an 8 not thin enough? Not one I want to live in, I can tell you that.
I know part of it comes from always watching my mother be thinner than myself, an 8 is "big" for her and she really only has to half ass it to maintain that weight, so it is right for her-she's not an idiot, she eats normally but is just naturally thinner than I am. That's something else I've bought into, that you don't have a natural weight your body settles into and that if you are just perfect enough in your efforts you will reach this ideal that may not even be remotely right for your own body and health. I don't believe you have to be unhealthy, that genetics just deal out the cards so don't even try...but an 8 is perfectly fine-better than fine and it's asinine to think I'll be happier at a 6 or even a 4. My mother is a 4 now and it's not necessarily the size...it's the fact that she can just eat a little less and not even try that hard and be that size and I can bust my ass literally for years and never get below a certain weight. I feel that I should have by now, so maybe that's yet another reason I need to chill and accept. That's exactly what I am doing, no matter how long it takes me to stop feeling depressed and fearful that I'll get "fat". Eating disordered thinking right there, and not something I am willing to live with ultimately.
So, sluggishly fighting my way to better mental health and finding that middle ground-not crazy dieting behavior but good choices for my HEALTH-truly, not a bullshit platitude when really what I want is the t word. Achieving new heights physically, being able to do pull-ups, push ups, to run, to cycle, to climb things-to be strong.
So with all that time I wasted thinking away calories I'm going to cook more, try new things, call friends, email, post here and elsewhere, finish my son's scrapbook, etc. Also, read LOTS more books, go to museums and we're getting a Canon digital rebel from a friend for a steal and I'm super excited about that. Wonder how many calories are burned from clicking the shutter? KIDDING. I keel myself.
Near future:post about the Mindless Eating book so I can finally get it in the mail. Class started back today and I'm exhausted and I've got a business blog to update for an actual company and I'm taking my mom to Vail for 3 and a half days starting this Thursday.
Whew.

Lots to talk about, bubbling around in my noggin', but seeing as how I've sat here and tried to talk myself out of going out to the garage and lifting after two weeks off (unheard of), I better go do that instead. Be back later hopefully, lots of great posts in blogland that have me thinking.

Oh and a certain 6am 24 cycle post had a lot to do with inspiring me to get off my tookus. Good for you!

Instead of hoping people will notice how much I've been working out and that I've lost weight when I see them, I'm going to try and actually have things worthy of talking about and garnering that admiration I apparently want. Just a thought.

I stopped taking the med that was sucking the life out of me and am feeling much more like myself again, and once again have wisened up and returned to eating for health, not mythical thinness. I think I keep going on drives to be thin because I think I need to move forward at all times, and while that is not a bad idea, getting smaller is not necessarily the same thing. I will still do "mini cuts" for no longer than two weeks here and there if I start feeling swollen and toxic, but as far as being hard on myself to get down a size, that's for the birds. Cranky birds no one wants to be around, let alone the bird herself.
So I need a goal to work towards, I dislike working out purely to fit into an ideal that I am not even so sure that I can achieve, no matter how hard I push myself. I used to be so much curvier than I am now and I actually felt much sexier. Not sure how to get back to that in a healthy manner but for now my proposal is to make good choices nutritionally, enjoy indulgences in moderation without guilt, and to focus on being more athletic. That was the best thing a trainer ever said to me at 24 hr fitness, not "Hey you've lost weight" but "You are really looking athletic, good job." That was several years ago and it has stuck with me this long. My mode at that time was eating pretty darned cleanly Mon thru Fri and then drinking beer and eating at least one fried meal on the weekends. Ha! Now there's a diet! No really, I am not endorsing that necessarily but it worked for me. I was also weight training three times a week and running about 3 times a week in the park with our dog. Now she isn't able to even go for a 15 minute walk without needing to go home and rest and she's having a hard time controlling her um, business end so walking or running with her is pretty much non existent.
To do:
Figure out what race/walk/cycling event I want to train for...and try new activities as much as possible. I get into a rut when I am in "weight loss" mode and inevitably "fall off the wagon" because it is boring, it sucks, and is the equivalent to running laps when you forget your gym clothes. Funk dat.

I was tempted to berate myself for yet again see sawing back and forth mentally but I know in my heart this is the right way to live and I guess I need to be kind to myself and understand that it will take probably YEARS to undo the damage I started from dieting. I never had an eating disorder until I started on a certain well known diet plan, and though I don't blame the particular brand, it was dangerous for me to get hooked into behavior involving control and a need for external validation. I never gave a rip what anyone thought of my body before, I had great self esteem...and that is where I am headed now come hell or high water.

I've been in a damned weird place mentally and I'm not entirely sure that I'm back. I thought about abandoning this page, mainly because I was thinking about abandoning my endeavor to be thinner. Note I did not say stronger, never thought about ditching that but after spending a weekend like I used to, drinking beer and eating what I wanted, it felt so good. Then Monday rolled around and I felt sick from all the "good fun" I was having and I woke up. Ha! Anyway, sometimes I am human just like everyone else and I get sick to death of all my responsibilities, the thing is...taking care of my body is not one that I can just decide to drop. It's not like washing clothes or loading the dishwasher. I no longer want to go back to my old ways but it was tempting for once.
I seem to have two people inside rather than one whole person. One person is very Type A and takes care of everything right on time all the time and eats perfectly and works out regularly without fail and is also very snippy and uptight and not someone I would want to hang out with, *frown. The other me is very easy going and fun and dangerous to my health, and I just want to combine the two and leave out the snippiness and impatience.
Working on that, in the mean time I'm detoxing and deflating after my tour de debauchery. I went for a walk last night by myself and must have really been bookin' it because I burned just as many calories as I do on the elliptical, and let me tell you I enjoyed it a hell of a lot more because I actually felt like I was getting somewhere instead of hanster wheelin' it.
Sorry I haven't commented, I've read when I could and Kada if you read this, enjoyed the excerpt a lot!
That's all I have for today.

Wow sorry to leave it hanging on such a downer post. I was out of town all weekend, but am back now and will catch up on everyone asahp (as soon as humanly possible). Starting day 12 today, did not make it past 11 am on Saturday, my MIL's house is kryptonite for me and I wish I would have made it but I did not. I'll explain later.

Apparently I lost a day somewhere, this is actually 10 and I'm holding on by the skin of my teeth. It's hard to not stuff depression with food.
Going to bed early, surely tomorrow will be better.

Day 9: chugging along. Had workers here most of the day replacing the back door jam and putting guttering on the back as well. I've worked pretty hard around the house and gotten my school work for the day finished.
I wanted to get some serious exercising in today but I've had to up my dose again and if I thought I was fuzzy yesterday...DAMN. I just want to take a nap but Number One Toddler of the World is waking up now so there goes that. He has been absolutely awful lately and I am ready for my sweet boy to come back.
Typing is difficult, my fingernail beds are sore from pulling weeds and picking up bricks and such, so I'll cut this short.
If the fog lifts I'm going to hop on the elliptical later and tomorrow is definitely lifting day, I'll get that done before I take the extra pill. Food still on track but I think that intial progress has stalled somewhat due to not a lot of exercise. I am trying!