Sunday, September 30, 2007

I just polished off a grilled stuft beef burrito and a cheese quesadilla from Taco Bell with a pepsi. It has been YEARS since I drank Pepsi and probably around a year at least since I had the Bell. I won't lie-it was very tasty, and now I am ready to move on from eating crap to make myself feel better this go 'round.
This has been a very frustrating weekend for me. I have been low physically, and as a result mentally. I missed out on a night with my friends that I have not seen for months and have missed workouts that I would have enjoyed, and the whole time I feel guilty for not feeling well. I see it as a personal failing even though that is completely irrational.
In my dreams last night a severely overweight woman asked me over and over to tell her how great my life is now that I've lost the extra weight again and I exercise and eat healthfully as a rule, not as a challenge. I tried to think of things to tell her and all I could come up with was I can squeeze through tight spaces like between cars easily and I can wear cute clothing (which is actually somewhat of a negative too because I want new clothes all the time whereas my old wardrobe lasted years and years and I didn't really pay attention to it.) Basically I am feeling crappy that I make a lot of effort the average person doesn't and yet I still feel poorly quite often and there is always something wrong with me. It doesn't recommend it too much sub-conciously I guess.
I live this way now though because it IS the best thing for myself and I have more of a chance at feeling good doing these things than I did without-I didn't feel good then either and at least now my behaviors can build me up rather than tear me down.
I hereby vow to take care of myself to the best of my abilities, including mental care.
I think I'm finally on the mend, tomorrow I hit our garage gym for lower body and cardio and then a bike ride or a walk to round it out. We bought a rack for my weight plates, I got new lifting gloves since I lost mine, and it is all organized and put back together again. And now I will go and take a "power nap" hopefully so I can get up and kick my school works' collective ass.

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