Thanks for the well wishes, I'm feeling a lot better today-probably at 90%. Yesterday I decided to just act "as if" and despite the nausea walked a brisk 1.3 miles in about 18 minutes. That's pretty damn good pushing a stroller coming off of being sick. Calories burned: 190, asses kicked: 1.
Had to run to lab last night during another class's time to re-weigh the sample I had to turn in with my report. It's a good thing I did since it was waaaay off and would have really brought my grade down. I felt so sick before I left I wasn't sure what to do but did it anyway and took care of business. School is stressing me out big time and I know the lack of exercise lately is partially to thank for that. Which brings me to my next thought...
This new way of life I'm building, free from dieting and unnatural behavior, only works if I move my body regularly. Ta da! Epiphany free of charge!
When you are restricting calories, missing workouts slows down progress but it doesn't completely toss it out, or at least not for me. Trying to intuitively eat, listening to my body, but yet still trying to become the best version of me only works with regular intense exercise. I think if I was just looking to maintain my weight I could let it slide more often but really, doesn't that defeat the whole point here? My goal is to instinctively choose food that is good for my body and to intentionally move around each day as part of what is normal to me, not forced. Resting at least two days a week is also part of my plan and it has made a huge difference.
Being a nutrition major means I strongly believe in choosing the best possible fuel for my body and mind. I do not believe in uneducated intuitive eating, but I do not believe what I mean by that would be truly intuitive eating anyway. The whole idea behind it is to be in tune with your body and to truly listen and if you are still steadily making poor choices that hurt your well being, than perhaps you aren't quite there yet. I also believe that the dieting I have participated in the last few years ended up being mentally destructive, and to a degree physically, and yet I learned so much about what I need to feed myself and a strong desire to educate myself further and to help others was born. So all in all, not a wash and I am happy and proud that I'm breaking out of the highly self-critical self esteen busting lifestyle I had slipped into-mainly through Weight W@tchers. On the other hand I don't think it is evil, or bad for everyone, but the mentality of the scale mattering so much and my self worth hinging on what number flashed up that day was not healthy for me.
I'm still figuring things out, but as of yesterday I'm back in business. Today I fit in a tremendous lifting session and feel good about what I accomplished. I need to focus on that instead of how large my abdomen is today, it's swollen out 3-4 inches bigger than normal and I have no idea what is going on-not making me feel good about myself though. Writing this helped me to see what I need to be looking at instead of examining myself in the mirror.
To clarify about the drinking: my bad influence friend and her husband were our drinking buddies and we'd put away a case each on a bad/good night. When I woke up and stopped basically killing myself with food and alcohol I am sure it threw her for a loop. Socially drinking is fine with me, just when I have a headache or just flat out don't want to drink, she needs to accept that and stop harping on about why I am not being "part of" things.

When I feel bad my habits are complete rubbish. I realize I'm from Texas but rubbish is the perfect descriptor here. I thought I felt badly yesterday from the not so stellar performance the night before but halfway through the SuperBowl party at the same infamously influential friend's house I needed to go home, RIGHT THEN. Sore throat, sour stomach, major lethargy, felt like I was sinking. I did eat like crap at the party, but not nearly as badly as I might have in the past. Luckily this mystery illness causes my stomach to feel full immediately, with unfortunate distended bloating and other nasty unmentionables. Anyway, sick yet again, feel like crap, and everything is derailed for the moment, but I'm not diving head first into food my body doesn't actually want, so that's a start right?

Kada, thanks for the support, I really appreciate it!
LME, this particular friend doesn't understand that some people don't actually want to drink constantly and does actually act strangely towards me when I refuse. However, I do refuse when I am not feeling it and she can just deal with it if it bothers her. It has affected us though and I don't hang out with her nearly as much as I did when WE both drank a lot with her and her husband. Thanks for the get well wishes, and I think I will actually ask her flat out next time why she is so terribly interested in what I drink.

Friday I hit the weights hard and yesterday morning I definitely was feeling it. Disappointingly more in my upper body than lower but there was soreness there, just not as much. Don't get me wrong, I'm happy to make progress on my upper body but I like to know that I successfully kicked my own ass (literally) since the major muscle groups burn more calories and build up more as well. I also had an excellent eating day, got plenty of veggies and I know I kept it at a healthy level just by making good choices.
Then we get to yesterday. No workout for me as it was my recovery day from lifting. I have been purposefully setting the following day as a rest day this go round and it has given me much better results and is better for me mentally as well. Husband wanted to go to the Dallas b0at show, for something to do out of the house and also to get an idea if it is even feasible in a few years to have one. I made a nice little breakfast for myself and then packed some kash! g0 lean cereal, cranberries, and yogurt covered raisins in a baggie to munch if I got hungry. Well I ate that in the car on the way there, which is fine, but then when we left I needed to pee because I opted not to do so there like a dummie and so being in downtown there were not a lot of options besides restaurants. We have a late "lunch" even though neither one of us was truly hungry enough for it, and boy did I overeat. To give myself some credit though, I drank several large glasses of water there and my meal was blackened fish tacos and I did not eat much of my rice or charro beans. I did well on my choice, just not on the portion at all.
Last night we had a fight night party at a friend's house, so after dropping the Boy off we headed over there at 8 and I was finally hungry again. Instead of getting into an argument about requesting something "healthier" to eat and then eating something bad on top of it, I just agreed to pizza and started drinking my red wine. Red wine on an empty tummy, Husband did not order the food right away, so it was 10 before I ate anything. I did only eat 2 pieces which was a major deal for me since it's always been a trigger food. The problem I am working up to is a proceeded to drink almost the whole bottle of red, plus had a jello shot which I did not really want/need, then after our friend dropped us home I had another beer! I had reached that point of thinking I needed to keep drinking even though I reeeeeallly did not. Now keep in mind this was over a 7 hr period, but still!
So I feel like total ass right now, mainly due to empty tummy since I have been downing a great amount of water and don't feel dehydrated. I am a weirdo that cannot sleep after drinking too much and so I only got 4 hrs and could not toss and turn anymore listening to various bodily functions on the other side of the bed. Beer makes you somewhat of a musical instrument apparently.
I will not continue on a destructive streak today, and I am saying right now: there will be no drinking tonight for moi, super bowl be damned. The group is getting together again that was together last night and it's at my friend's house that is a bad influence for me with both food and drink. She's fun, we talk 90 miles an hr, but I tend to make bad choices just being around her. Not tonight!

Gah! Had to oust that last pity party post but no time to write at the moment. I'm holding out that the Boy will take a nap and I can go fling metal around for oh, about 45 minutes.
If you like chocolate covered strawberries, get thee to a Dairy Queen, that's all I'll say about that. I don't even know if there ARE Dairy Queens outside of this area and maybe the surrounding states.
For the curious, no workouts since Saturday, BOO.

I need to post but right now nothing floating around upstairs is worth committing to ye olde blogosphere. It's been a hairy couple of days:

1.no workout since Saturday
2.no posts due to studying ass off for first exam
3.first exam sucked ass
4.sick toddler
5.took time out from studying last night to make a new spaghetti squash dish that I was looking forward to eating today, dropped container getting it out of fridge, which shattered and ruined the whole thing with me not getting even one bite
6.myriad other crappy things
7. PMS
8.appt. with uroligist early in the morning to hopefully find out what the hell is wrong with me and maybe finally have sex again after MONTHS
TMI? So sorry, but I'm so miserable I don't care at this point.

Lots of good posts out there, I intend to comment when I can get my head straight.

I'm at war with myself.
On Jan. 5th (or 6th, I can't remember) I said to myself, "Enough. You are going to stop this negative lifestyle you've adopted in the pursuit of a perfection that is not obtainable. If you continue to think this way about yourself, and food, and your body image, you will never be happy." At first, meaning really the first week or so considering it has only been three weeks, it seemed easy, I felt as if I were floating and woke up happy each day. It started to slow down when I weighed myself and saw that same higher number than my usual. Chanting the mantra of, "The number means nothing at this point, you're gaining muscle and taking care of yourself" I soldiered on, fighting my negativity still. The next week was harder, but I stuck with it and felt great and when I did the "official" two week measurement I discovered my body was the smallest (in a good, healthy way) ever in my adult life, and then I fell sick. Four days was all it took to bring me down, four days of no workouts and slightly wonky food. I only got in three workouts this past week and it showing in my body and more importantly my mind.
I am fighting a battle with myself, the desire to go back to counting my food and limiting my intake against what my body tells me it wants it back. All day it has flitted in and out of my thoughts, and I know I have to push back against these self destructive suggestions. I had already decided I would go into a "cut" right before bathing suit season, and that this was more about maintainence and muscle growth.
This is all just so exhausting at times, it really is. So exhausting to be nice to myself and to refuse the negative thoughts, the doubt, dealing with the stress of life. The thing is though, this is life-not something that is temporary or that you can shrug off, this is simply life and making the effort to have the best one that I can. That means feeding myself properly, working out regularly, and working every minute of every day to fend off the things that drag me down.
Workout today-20 min elliptical, 4.5 miles, 306 calories burned.

Yoga was on the schedule this morning but when I awoke, DOM had hit me pretty hard, especially in the chest area. I couldn't face the vinyasa sequence over and over at the time (plank, push ups, upward dog, downward dog). Anyway, I told myself I'd figure out something later and harrumphed through my morning, got to class, picked up my transcript, went to the grocery, and went to the post office for a lifetime, or at least it felt that way. I tried something today-this Org. Chem class is a doozy, so I dressed sort of "up", professional clothes that I would have worn to the office that just sit in my closet now that I'm home most of the time being Mama. It did affect my mental outlook and I felt more in control and sharper. It is truly strange what our minds are capable of if only we allow it.
I've felt out of sorts lately at home and then at around 4:30 Husband proposed a family walk and then also a visit to feed the ducks some bread. I jumped on the chance and ended up walking at a good pace pushing the stroller for at least an hr, maybe a bit more. Family time and burnt more calories than I would have doing the yoga that I just wasn't feeling today. We went to dinner and I ordered sensibly, had only one beer, and took half my meal home. I had what I wanted and what I wanted just also happened to be good choices.
I could have fleshed this out a bit but I'm actually pretty worn out and Husband is lobbying for bed.

Today I felt well enough to get back to flinging metal around, and so I managed to fit it in depsite a hectic day and I feel so much better for it. It's a chain reaction, when I workout I tend to eat better, however it doesn't work the other way around as well. Maybe I haven't seen a correlation because in the past "eating well" meant dieting and on 1200-1350 calories I just don't have energy for anything more than chasing our son and going to school and running the household. Okay, even that was a stretch, no wonder I lost my shit periodically and cracked up on the kitchen floor. NEED MORE FOOOOOOD.
Anyway, onward.
It is still amazingly freeing to not count anything, whether it be points or calories. Sunday started off a four day spree of sliding back into no counting=making bad choices, but I know it doesn't have to equal that and I have the tools, the knowledge, and the economic status to buy and prepare healthy, nutritious meals. It may sound weird to throw in the economy comment, but so many people do NOT have the money to buy fresh fruit and veggies, leaner cuts of meat, whole wheat breads...you get the picture. I think it CAN be done on a budget, and I don't throw money around all crazy like, but it IS harder. Considering Ramen noodles are like 10/$1.00, need I go on really? Sometimes I don't keep this in mind, I get cranky and tired and frustrated like anyone, but overall it helps to try and remember to be grateful. Wow, re-reading that I wanna kick my Polly Anna ass! Just trying to be positive, I've been freaking out all night (read:crying, holding head in hands) about getting into the school I've been working so hard towards for the last two years.
So, could not sleep last night and had my first lab this morning. I had planned on getting up at 6:20 to get my lifting in, but as the hours rolled by with my eyes still wide open I had to reset the alarm for after 7. Up at 7, dealt with a tired toddler and got to school on time, felt like I needed toothpicks to prop open my eyelids. Nerves caused me to make stupid errors in lab, but no major harm done really. I now have a lab report to write, but let's not think about that now. Got out of lab in time to get home, quickly eat a sandwich and then head out to the garage before picking up our son and driving over to my mother's for a visit. Roughly a 40 minute workout, burned 330 calories (100 more than last time) and upper and lower body were quivering for some time afterwards. I do shoulder press, pushups, deadlifts, squats, walking lunges, calf raises, tricep extension, bicep curls, lateral raises...I think that is it. I do no more than two sets on each body part-I believe if you do more than that you are not lifting heavy enough. If I had a smith machine I think I could get it down to one set, but with no spotter-2 it is. I started out with a 5 minute warm up on the elliptical trainer and did about a mile in that time which is more distance than usual.
Summary: exercise is great, food is on track again, sleep is greatly needed. Brain meltdown-directly related to degree of cohesion of entry.

I suppose I just can't take cold medicine, it took me half the day today to shake off the "hangover" feeling and I had to drink a lo-carb M0nster energy drink to even accomplish that. I have eaten entirely too much for days now and have done no exercise and I am feeling like total crap. I can't wait to get back to working out, I plan on heading to bed in a moment so I can get up and hit the weights with my new gloves. Tomorrow morning is my first lab in Organic Chem and I'm nervous, but I did my pre lab work and should do alright, all I can do is my best.

I am sick and have slept most of the day and did not workout like I desperately want to, but I got some gloves for lifting from wally world like Mar!a suggested and am looking forward to trying them out soon. I am CRAVING a workout-I hate falling victim to wee beasties, why can't I be superwoman?

Last evening was "Girlie Night", where a group of us friends get together and basically have a huge selection of food and drink and we um, hang out and eat it. The name Girlie Night sounds to me like heading to a nudie bar, but not quite so erase that from your memory. It is sort of hard for me to be in this group of women because they are pretty much all overweight to varying degrees and make disparaging comments towards me here and there every time we're together, because to them I am the thin girl that is an enemy in a weird way, but they keep inviting me to hang out so it is sort of confusing. They have no idea what I have gone through, or what my mental hangups still are, or just how damn hard I have worked to get to this state of thinness that they seem to think was handed to me. Hmm, now that I write this I wonder why I keep going back. The thing is they are all also witty, intelligent, fun people and I don't think they realize the comments and attitudes hurt my feelings. Perhaps if I just opened my gob and TOLD THEM it hurts they would stop it or reconsider, I am just afraid of being the "whiney skinny girl, boo hoo I'm thin". Another distorted thing is, in my head when the label of thin is applied to me I still don't accept it and feel strange saying it out loud. Any admission that I have achieved what I have worked for years on is bragging somewhere in my subconscious. I think it relates back to an offhand comment from my MIL, I had told her happily that I thought I was finally in an 8 and was very excited and that was all I said, sharing something with someone that I thought would be happy for me too, and later she made the comment to someone else, "Erin was bragging about being an 8 all weekend."
Ah well, life goes on-I did ok with the party food and now I'm going to finish getting ready, go get my best friend, and drive to see my grandma that was diagnosed with cancer this year, she's getting worse a lot faster than we thought and I just want to have time with my friend (grandma) before that is no longer an option. She's always been my hero and it is hard to reconcile that the world will no longer be blessed with her presence.

What a morning! The alarm went off at 7 in order for me to wake our son up and get him fed so he would still be sleepy and ready to go back to bed. This was the plan in order for me to knock out a session of yoga (Husband is gone this morning), but when the alarm sounded I turned it off and grumbled back to sleep for thirty minutes. Straight away I could tell the little one was still tired so I put him to bed, changed clothes to practice yoga, and the proceeded to struggle for twenty-five minutes trying to get my dvd to play somewhere, ANYWHERE in this house. The living room set kept kicking back a NO DISC msg, my laptop had no audio, and the bedroom didn't read it either. Finally, I desperately decided to try and do it from memory with it playing silently on my laptop if I needed to double check anything. I felt like the universe was against me but I had to try and time was running out quickly. When I went to get it out of the bedroom player I noticed it WAS WORKING! Eureka!
Then my HRM started acting up and not reading my heartbeat so I just pulled it off and chunked it. I really love wearing it and getting numbers to soothe my nerdy soul but yoga is really for my mental health (on top of the physical rewards) and I also knew I needed a good stretch.
Long boring story short-I got it done, feel wonderful, and am proud I persevered. Also, my size 8 Lucky brand jeans fit better than ever now, despite being 5 lbs heavier so I feel like I have made amazing progress adding muscle mass. I was always told women can't build muscle that quickly but I beg to differ, I believe I have put on somewhere around 3 lbs of muscle in the last month, that is just an estimate. Those jeans were hanging over my head because since I've rebelled against dieting they were too tight and too much squish hanging over the top, and I hate to admit it but it bummed me out. There is nothing hanging over now and they button easily. Last night I could not get to sleep because I laid there poking and pinching and prodding, excited and hopefully and worked up about what is finally happening for me. I have finally found an eating style I can truly live with for life and workouts that I can keep up and that really work and get results. I have had issues with my weight and self image my whole life and have hardcore dieted for about the last five years, and it has finally led me to a good place. How funny that working on your head really does take care of the rest, I never thought that applied to me. Live and learn.
I plan on doing 3 5k runs/walks this year, and while it would be cool to run one/all of them, I'm not sure where that fits into my current exercise plan. Running still eludes me but maybe with the strength I am gaining and the fat I am dropping I can finally do it, we'll see.

I weighed and measured this morning and I am in SHOCK. My waist is the smallest it has been since I became cognizant of the size of my waist. I dropped an inch and a half in the last two weeks of eating with common sense and trying to slow it down and actually taste things, but with a major slack in the reins, and trying to do 4-5 quality intense workouts focusing on weight training, interval cardio, and yoga. I felt that I had moved past the point of being destroyed by the scale and I have-it had actually gone up half a pound from two weeks ago and yet I am smaller. This means muscle. This means happy Erin! Spark has you measure waist, hips, and neck. Down 1.5 inches on waist, same on hips and same on neck. The hip measurement indicated I've added muscle to my rearview which makes me very happy-the women in my family tend to have flat asses and that does not mean they stay small either. Picture a large pancake when left to molder minus exercise. I had also developed the weird love handle things that hang over people's jeans and they do exposes on with blurred faces, and those are pretty much gone. I noticed that yesterday-no big humps sitting on the top of my rear, hard to properly explain.
Anyway, things are changing, for the better, and I am most pleased.
My weight has gone from 145 avg to 149.5 this morning, and yet my waist went from 28.5 at 149lbs to 27 at 149.5. The smallest my waist got was 28 inches at 144.5 lbs obsessing over food and not having enough energy to workout. Guess which way I'm going to keep heading...

The full soreness I expected never did quite set in, but my legs are still definitely pretty drained, especially the quads. I used the same amount of weight for the squat sets that I have the last few times, but this time I did them slowly and with major attention to form. For clarification purposes, I never fling myself around or anything but I have found counting to two on the positive part of the rep and to four on the negative has really improved the quality of my sets.
These antibiotics I am on (for yet another UTI) make me feel sluggish and start up the litany of excuses in my head about putting off a workout or moving it to another day, which produces the end result of a MISSED workout, not a rescheduled one. Today I even had my gear on including HRM, waiting for the Boy to nap, and yet I still started in with the, "Oh I don't feel so well, I don't think I should be operating anything like this..." before I just got off my ass and went out there and DID IT.
My legs were tired from lifting Tuesday night still, I could feel it pretty badly the first half though my HR was not rising nearly as quickly as it has been, so my cardiovascular fitness has improved definitely. Personal best of 4.7 miles today in 20 minutes and then I did my silly dancing for a bit. I definitely felt a little altered during the workout and twice I got weird pelvic twinges like cramps but a little more heavy duty. Of course I was fine though, and I would have whinged my way out of another chance to improve my health. Nike was right, JUST DO IT sometimes.
On the eating front I'm noticing that I do much better with mindfully tasting and enjoying my food and slowing down when I am alone or with our son. With Husband home or out to eat with him or others, I still am racing through it and eating way too much. This is my next hurdle to really work on, though I do want to give myself a pat on the back for going out to eat to a very yummy place last night and only eating ONE croissant even though two more were just sitting there and my MIL kept urging everyone to eat them. I also ordered a cup of soup and a salad instead of the other not so smart offerings, and here's the real kicker: I ordered it because that is what sounded BEST to me, not because I was punishing myself or denying anything. I knew I could order anything I wanted on that menu and yet the soup and salad was most appealing. I feel like this is a major breakthrough.

Quicksand sucked at my feet, I could feel the initial descent into a loss of motivation to workout, the beginning of The Excuses. "It's too cold, I'm tired, I have no time, I'm sore, I'm depressed..." it goes on this way and I can think of just about any justification though inside no one is fooled.
Sitting on the couch last night with this laptop in my UH LAP (duh) the violence and noise coming from the Husband's favorite show started really irritating me and I jumped up, marched back to our room, and suited up to go lift some heavy metal objects in the garage. Thinking about this now, yes the show irritated me but was I perhaps also internally fed up with my excuses?
As soon as I stepped outside (into the garage) just how DAMN COLD it was hit me and I wanted to turn around but I decided to hop on the elliptical instead and try to get warmed up. It is not that easy to balance on the darn thing and pull your hands inside your sleeves at the same time. STILL COLD, but my five minute warm up was accomplished and I headed to the bench to begin my shoulder press-as soon as I touched the bar I knew my hands were going to get too cold to hold the heavy weights long enough and popped back in to ask for gloves from Husband. He located a thin pair of hunting gloves he actually bought for me (though I don't go with him regularly, not my thing) and my hands were still freezing but I got through the entire workout and yes, I hate to admit it but wearing gloves DID help controlling the heavier dumbbells. I've been against gloves because my hero (Krista) said it defeats the purpose of building your grip, which makes sense but wow did it go more smoothly.
I felt like a giant when I finished up, the squat sets made me feel like puking so I consider it a success. Just starting to get sore, usually I workout towards the morning and the next day when I wake I am in agony but there's about a ten hr delay since this was a night workout. It's starting to set in, and maybe I'm strange but I like it-a tangible reminder that I did well.
Woke up this morning early to go back to school and as soon as I stepped into the bathroom and looked at my belly in the glaring light I felt squishy and fat again and out of control and maybe I should weigh or measure? and maybe I should go back to points and calorie restricting...just for a little while? NO! God, when am I going to stop it? I am in good shape and getting better and the goal is to build muscle not to disappear. I thought about it all through my shower but when I stepped out I gave myself the hairy eyeball and mentally slapped myself back to reality. Stop putting yourself down, stop criticizing, you are not overweight anymore and even if you were there is no reason to be so mean to yourself. I had not realized how often I thought dummy or dumbass or you name it until just recently. I ignored all the "love yourself" talk, certain it wasn't for me and that I didn't do that. Surprise, surprise.
After I dressed and walked into the kitchen to make coffee I saw the snow outside and sure enough, checking my school's website showed cancelled classes for me and the local ISD too, so no school for junior. He is napping and I could be on the elliptical right now but it is really cold after all, and I should rest after lifting, and I hear there might be solar flares, and it's not the right moon cycle...

Exercise has not been accomplished since Sunday but the day is not over and if it ends without me deliberately moving my ass I won't beat myself up-food is on the upswing. It only took a few days for me to stop eating mindfully without putting a lot of effort towards it, so today the effort has returned. I don't feel hungry as easily, I get full faster (or at least process the feeling) and the textures and flavors in my food seem so much richer. I now know this is how I want to live my life, not counting points, or charting calories, or examining macro nutrients intensely. If that is what works for others and they don't mind living their life that way FOR ETERNITY that is fine. I know it is just a groovy part of life for plenty of people but it really caused me to burn out after doing it for the last several years. Finding a good balance between rest and workouts is my current issue to work on, added to by remembering to eat mindfully. I really do make good choices when I am involved in the process instead of acting like a human hoover, shoveling it down the hatch as quickly as possible.
Today I have eaten weight control oatmeal because I am trying to finish the box and it just sounded good, added a mini box of raisins and drank my cup and a half of coffee. It's Yuban brand, a coffee growing co-op (smaller op) and I think it's cool to try and help out the smaller people instead of fueling the larger corporations. Not that I do this consistently but hey, the coffee is pretty darned good. Anyway, then for lunch I had a salad with: roasted cauliflower, broccoli, and yellow squash, grilled leeks, a sprinkle of walnuts and low fat feta cheese, olives, and a homemade dressing of a touch of olive oil, lemon juice and balsamic vinegar. It was good and I thought it would be a filler to lessen the taco soup portion to follow but it ended up being plenty on it's own. I just ate the taco soup (more like a chili, not very soupy) and I am completely stuffed because I slowed down and thought about it the whole time and took pauses. Yesterday I ate a little bit more of it even as a portion and when I finished eating it quickly and without thought I sat there deliberating over whether I should go get more.
Last week's vegetable of the week was leeks, which I grilled as I mentioned above, and this week it is cabbage. I'm trying to find a recipe that really appeals to me online but so far nothing is just knocking my socks off, if there's anyone out there and you want to share one, please do.
Each day is a challenge, luckily I am up for it.

Today is one of those days when it all feels like such hard going. My calories are going to be high because I have to go out to eat for dinner even though I would rather not and my desire to no longer care about that is flopping about on the floor, gasping for air. No workout this morning despite laying out my mat and other gear, popping the dvd in the player ahead of time, everything. I just could not get up this morning and have sat on the couch all day being a sad sap. The truth of the matter is, back to school Wednesday, for more chemistry that I am terrified of because last semester was so fricking horrible and my little guy starts Mother's Day out for the first time on that same day. I want to cry.
My stomach is still mysteriously fairly flat despite the slackened hold on the reins and yet I am a paranoid mess that is sure I will put all the weight back on and more. I have never felt so much fear about this even though I know I need to let go and just be NICE TO MYSELF. Why is is so hard, I'm a likeable sort.

So I read just a bit of the beginning of DG's journey, and after eating a venison/jalapeño sandwich I went and hopped on the elliptical for a gut busting 20 minutes. If the question was, "Is this going to hurt if I do cardio immediately after eating? then the answer is I got a stitch with 8 minutes to go but I powered through and went the distance. Not only did I finish, but a new personal best of 4.5 miles in 20 minutes (previously 4.4) and the workout went faster than it has ever before I think. I was done a whole song and a half before I usually am which means I didn't take nearly as many breaks to catch my breath and calm my heart rate down-in short MORE FIT! Yay! Another question answered is what happens if my HRM says 190? I feel like puking, that's what, but at least with the knowledge of where it is at I can tone it down immediately instead of telling myself I'm being a wimp and to push on when in reality, not a good idea.
Midsection is squidgy again after not eating so great the last few days and drinking da beers, but I am back on track.
Oh, and while doing the end of my workout I could not help but dance on the elliptical, then when its buzzer chimed I hopped off and danced like a crazy woman for probably another ten minutes, I just felt so alive and happy and the music was excellent. The songs that really made me move my butt today:

Gone Daddy Gone-Gnarls Barkley
Ooh La La-Goldfrapp
Rock the Casbah-The Clash
Such Great Heights-The Postal Service

Unexpected visit from in-laws, tired 18 month old, and a desperately needed trip to the grocery store despite the torrential downpour and borderline freezing temps all mean I have to put it in high gear, just wanted to update that my mood is swinging around like a chimp on a chandelier.

I'm starting to flail around already. That wonderful elusive feeling I had finally settled into has really lived up to its descriptor. I wish I had some inspiration to read, I may have to go back and re-read someone's archives, so if you notice a lot of hits and wonder who is stalking you, it's just me.

Last night I drank too much and went out to eat even though we had food already cooked here at home. Good choices? No. The day went poorly, rainy and cold with a dash of depression over my grandma. Maybe I need to fall back on counting my food when I have a day like that because my good choice maker seems to be broken at those times. I don't know, we'll see.
My planned workout for today is not happening because I feel so bad from the beer and subsequent broken sleep. It probably wasn't a good idea to schedule anything the day after a lifting day, I woke up with my upper body in serious DOMS, it's usually my lower body that is sore but apparently I finally hit my upper as hard as I should and my limited abilities to really lift heavy here at home without a spotter didn't do enoughfor my lower.
I think I will start going back to the gym once or twice a week so I can really push to lift as heavy as I need to see progress.
I've progressed to doing my push-ups off the weight bench instead of the higher trailer. I think I mentioned I can do them on the floor now but not many and not with good form so I think I'll continue on the weight bench until that becomes too easy and then we'll see what I find next or if I go straight to the floor. I don't think my pecs have ever been this sore.
Today should be interesting, mild hangover while taking care of our child and then going to a three yr old's birthday party, by myself with no help from the Husband who is off duck hunting for the weekend.

My first bumps in the road cropped up yesterday. I woke up sore all over and the previous days thoughts of, "Yoga is awesome!" shifted to, "Fucking yoga." I decided to reset the alarm and have a rest day, and yet...when I got up I realized that it was mainly my lats that were sore from all the plank, upward dog and push up positions, and I could have in fact done my cardio. At least I think I could have and there must be something to beat myself up about right? I fell off my happy self esteem summit yesterday but I'm scrabbling back to the top today.
Let's review: What made me have a not so great day? I skipped my planned workout because of perceived severe soreness while still laying in the bed, never a good idea. I should have at least gotten up to hit the loo or something and then reassessed. A big part of my new lifestyle is resting when my body is telling me I need it, something I tend to ignore usually and then I crash and burn. So I don't think it was a total loss, just a learning experience. No workout started the day badly and then: I didn't really try and balance my meals that well, ate mindlessly several times, and then proceeded to eat a salty dinner, which was followed by a trip to Br@ums for a peanut butter cup mix. I do not think the ice cream was a misstep in itself, I only wanted a few bites and that is all I had before giving it over to the Husband, but the chocolate tasted waxy to me and really wasn't worth it. The salty food was a reaction to drinking too MUCH water yesterday, I think I got low on sodium and then overcompensated, should have stopped drinking water when I started feeling funny.
Then there was the biggie: measuring myself when I had decided not to do so anymore, until I can get my head straight. I also stepped on the scale this morning, another no-no. Is that being good to me? No. I am still not at a point where I can detach from numbers that should mean nothing when my clothes are fitting fine and I feel good.
This morning I got up, did a full body free weights workout (my arms are shaky still typing this, good sign) and then came in and cooked myself oatmeal and an egg white omelette. I am back on track taking care of me and I am good enough, not lazy, not a failure, and not doing damage to myself.
Gap jeans that were super tight last time I tried them on fit easily this morning, take that inner naysayer!

New to me veggie of the week: Leeks. Inspired by a recipe in the new grill cookbook we got at Christmas, and then reading about a soup with leeks on a friend's page, led me to buy a bundle of leeks this week as part of my new effort to try veggies either in different ways or different veggies all together. I grilled the leeks as suggested and they turned out really well and immediately make me think of egg rolls when I bite into them without the added bad business of MSG, grease, or sodium. I can definitely see eating them again chopped up into some type of Asian inspired dish. Another big deal about this is that I actually followed a recipe out of a book that we own. I'm not sure what my hangup is, but I get overwhelmed when reading recipes and usually shut the book and never try anything. I have many lovely cookbooks that I have never used in the years that I have owned them. Online is different somehow, I've done recipes from various googlings, but not the books. So, new veggie: check and cooking from a recipe book: check.
Also, even though my back is really sore from yoga yesterday, I tried doing regular push-ups and even though my form was probably not great, I did it-three in fact before I told myself I wasn't doing it properly, or it was a fluke. More of the negative self talk I am sorting out-even now I'm sort of leery of stating that I can do a push-up, because if I state it I am either boasting (bad) or it won't be true next time I try (bad). I crumpled and got out my measuring tape halfway through the day-measurements are up except thighs and I know it is from bloating, I've had issues all day that aren't worth mentioning. I am not letting it get me down, but I am bummed a bit that I got the damn tape out at all. This is what I'm trying to break myself of, I even let some pts counting sneak in before I caught myself earlier. None of this! Grrr.
I bought some nice lined black velvet pants form Ann Taylor over the holidays, size 8, last pair they had, marked down from $98 to $19.99. Over the last week or so worry would periodically crop up that, "Oh sure you're all happy and free now but you won't be able to wear those pants you got that you were so excited about now, good going." Guess what? Pants fit better than when I bought them, so shut up negativity.
Thoughts are too jumbled, I have so much to say bouncing around but I am never satisfied with how it comes out here, perfectionism maybe.

I rolled out of bed this morning and tried to convince myself that I could skip practicing yoga, I needed more sleep, I would do it later. After staring blearily into the mirror for a few minutes I started putting my workout clothes on and even had the heart rate monitor strap around my chest, fumbling for the watch that goes with it, when my husband asked, "What exactly are you doing honey?"

"I'm getting ready to go do yoga..." I answered. "It's two in the morning." "No it's not, it's six." After checking my watch with the light up screen feature I realized I had four more hrs to sleep and I'm not sure what the hell happened, but PAT ON THE BACK for me because I was getting up on 3 hrs of sleep determined to practice yoga. No wonder I felt so tired during my self convincing speech.

At 6 o'clock I got right out of bed, after all-6 was nothing after getting up at 2 (I normally roll out of bed around 9 so this is a big deal for me) and I put my gear back on and proceeded to do an hr of power yoga. For the curious, 400 calories burned for an hr of the yoga tape I love (this is including warm up and cool down). I have wondered what kind of expenditure I could expect from doing that dvd and now I know and I am such a dork but I love my heart rate monitor. And if you think it is in inaccurate, please don't tell me. I think it really is accurate because of how exhausted I am afterwards, the shakiness of my entire body and how hard I can feel my heart beating during hard poses. Plus, Rodney Yee loves going through vinyasa or sun salutations.

I cannot believe I have been awake since 6, worked out for an hr, showered and dressed by 8:30, and enrolled our son in MDO for Wednesdays. He's already signed up for M-F at another location and I think he is going to love it. Mama will be the one crying I am sure, but there is no other way and I know it will be good for him. Organic Chem happens to be only available during the day unless I want to take the insanely hard class. Not so much.

I feel so good, so free. Letting go of this strange desire to in essence, disappear or make myself smaller, has lightened my heart. I am sure I will have scared moments with letting go this control I've had the last several years. The planning and scrutinizing of food, of calories, of me. I ate some 2% cottage cheese earlier and was happy in not measuring it-I didn't even measure with cups and such like some people do and yet not even mentally measuring was good, I just thought, "How much would I like to have, would fill me up?" The thing is, without FOOD being suck a focus it has lost its power. I've probably eaten LESS today than I would if I was trying to not eat much, sort of the Margaret Cho diet, or the Frenchies don't get fat idea. Don't get me wrong, I don't think I can magically stop worrying about it and not gain weight and keep on getting leaner. My focus now is TRULY (like I have claimed several times) on getting stronger and adding muscle and healing my mental weirdness-my self developed eating disorders. I am not part of that anymore and I like myself more each day and I am startled to see how dangerously thin a lot of women on teevee are today. Watching Las Vegas the other night kinda threw me for a loop with the visible rib cages and angular faces. Anyway, I took the pictures at top to put on my sparkpage and liked both of them, and was able to SEE the shape to my arms and shoulders and they just made me happy and I wanted to share.
I'm just so damn happy, I think I've met someone new-myself.

I happened to click on one of the top points leaders on sparkpeople and read that she enters all her exercise in ahead of time for the week. Seems like an insignificant thing right? Well I decided to try it myself as it connected for me that several of the most successful people I've read do just that, even if it's not in spark. Two of my preplanned workouts have already been checked off and I am feeling very optimistic and confident that I can keep up with things and be so much happier.
Many times have I said to myself and others that I won't count pts or calories anymore, and then I go back to it. It's scary, it means letting go some and actually trusting myself to make good nutritional decisions. How am I ever going to be a good nutritionist for others if I can't do this myself, for myself? It feels wonderful so far: I am following a BFL/GI Diet way of eating but that is purely because I think it's the best "no counting" way of eating for good health/fitness. Don't get me wrong, I still want to get in even better shape but I am also working on accepting myself as I am now. Negative self talk has really crept in over the past 4-5 yrs of dieting. I am done with dieting, it has turned me into this stress monkey control freak that is perpetually unhappy with my body. I always had a good attitude about myself before, regardless of size or shape and I want that thinking back. It's a chain reaction: I stress about food, I snap at my loved ones (which affects my marriage and friendships), I'm never happy with anything (or anyone), and no matter how far I go it's not enough. Well, I AM good enough and it's time to put up or shut up.
Yesterday we walked so long that my feet finally hurt and my legs were tired-the DMA has a Van Gogh exhibit which ends today and we tried to visit that but the line was 2 hrs long and with a baby that does not compute. So we walked through downtown Dallas over to the World Aquarium, which has been redone and is even better now, and then went back to the car and drove to Cuba Libre for dinner. It's Cuban/S. American food and delicious. They make frozen mojitos and excellent jerked steak tacos, and we tried dungenouss crab flautas for appetizers. Wow, and I enjoyed it guilt free, along with a few Coronas with lime at home and an ill advised Cosmo. Don't worry, hubby hardly drank at all, we don't believe in being smashed at the same time with our baby in the house, some of our friends do that and it worries me. Anyway, I drank lots of water and took some Alleve and slept a good 10-11 hrs. Full body workout accomplished when the baby took his nap and I am still shaky and feel wonderful. A combination of static contractions and negative reps really took care of business.
This is all over the place and not well written but I'm afraid this loud ass keyboard is going to wake the Boy. Hopefully I'll be able to explain this better to myself and to anyone that may pass by-ACK, I knew this keyboard was too loud.

We've been to the grocery and I feel in control again and like this is not a problem. What an amazing difference it makes being prepared and having the right tools to achieve such seemingly impossible goals. If you try and go about half assed then you are just asking for heartache and trouble.

Note the fresh fruits (Fuji apples are hiding under the clementines), full veggie drawer, and my water glass and baby carrots I'm currently munching. The pink/brown notebook is where I write my food, water, exercise, and what I'm grateful for that day. I'd let that fall by the wayside as well. Coincidence?

Last night went downhill in a hurry, in fact the sled must have been greased up with Crisco it went so quickly. I ate waaay too much after doing pretty well all day and ended up sitting on the couch feeling sorry for myself. Sparkpeople, my new best friend, says I can eat in the 1375-1700 calorie range, well according to my calculations I ate 1685, but you know that no matter how much you try your count can be off and I'm not going to get that crazy anyway. Back up the pound I had lost from that excrutiatingly hard day. I like to weigh daily so I feel like I'm in control, which may sound horrible to a lot of people but it's how my mind works. My mother says it's not our fault that we're bossy and controlling, we come from a long line of teachers. I am choosing to adopt that theory. So, I realize that weight is not real, but the longer I dither about with getting rid of the holiday pounds, the more real they become. Ever notice that? If you gain some weight that you KNOW is just bloating/water weight and immediately bust ass to get rid of it, it's not that hard...but if you let it hang around and then bounce up and down it becomes real poundage and takes forever. At least that's the way it is for me.
I had a real whingefest last night. Why can't I just be naturally thin? Most of the thin women I know/meet do confess to not doing much to get or stay that way and it flat out pisses me off. I am not fat at this point, I realize this, but it makes me angry that I have to work really hard to have a decent body-not even a great one like I want.
That type of thinking is counter productive and I know it, like I said it was a major pity party for one. I'm past that and determined to kick some ass again. That means grocery shopping as soon as I'm showered and dressed. Yes I blew it off last night and now have to drag the schweet babie out into the cold and wet to go this morning, but he likes to go on outings and I don't forsee any others today.
So: grocery shopping, tracking what I eat but not worrying about calories in such detail, and either elliptical, yoga, or weight training. The elements of success are here and I know them well, just have to get in gear.
On an aside though: I have been exhausted upon waking every day for at least the past two weeks and today I feel recharged somewhat. Time to wear myself out!

ACK! I can't comment on my own darn blog, but LME thanks for the note and I looked up Fresh Direct but unfortunately it's only in the NYC area for now. Other companies also seem to only service areas like NYC and Chicago, at least none in DFW that I have found yet.
I roasted a pan of frozen green beans and have eaten almost the whole thing. I decided to see how that might taste as every other veggie I've tried that way has been great-green beans are no exception. They get really dried out but I'm not into squishy veggies anyway. I have to find more ways that I can enjoy veggie besides raw and roasted-I pretty much hate steamed unless it's edamame.
The tree has come down, been thrown in its box, and all the other decorations put away. This season has probably been THE most stressful I've had in years and I was so close to feeling the "magic" again like I did years ago as a kid. All of the obligations and "must do" type things squased it for me though-hanging with the in-laws does that to me. They are super wonderful people, caring, generous, good intentioned, and yet there is so much pressure when you're around them. Not to mention I have yet to actually stick with healthy habits during extended visits. I did workout twice this time but that really wasn't enough. I should have been doing that every day and not drinking wine every night and eating all the munchies and general crap I always end up consuming with them. ANYway, roasted about 3 cups of green beans and ate about 2 of that...geez. Overeater much? Hopefully I can get the grocery shopping done once my husband gets home but I may blow it off again, 'cause that's productive right? I have to go, not having the right options at home makes me eat poorly and I know this.
Things I have read recently: High Intensity Trainig-Arthur Jones method and GI Diet-Glycemic Index Diet. I ought to write a post about those, hmm?

Swimming through molasses-best description I can think of at the moment, and remember I have syrup coating my brain. I didn't fall face first into the sweets, at least not as badly as I could have-there did happen to be quite a few white chocolate peppermint incidents but I've moved past that.
Yesterday was my first official "good" day in the past week, and it felt horribly difficult. My appetite rampages out of control and the fuck it attitude reigns supreme. Or at least it did, but today feels relatively easy-amazing how that first day tends to be the hardest. We need to visit the grocery something awful, but I feel so terribly exhausted that making the list and lugging the Boy around just sounds toooo haaaaard. Meh, I'll suck it up and do my adult responsible things 'cause that's the way the world works.
Got my Pol@r heart rate monitor/watch and it's really inspired me. I have all the tools, just gotta shake off the quicksand. Happy New Year! I wish I had that fresh start feeling, continuing the same thing after 3-4 years just feels old, not exciting.

I was making so much progress, Sunday night I got so many comments about how much I had changed/improved physically and then I proceeded to eat like total crap since then. Sigh. Back to basics.

The final countdown to Christmas has arrived, I did a cardio workout this morning on our elliptical trainer and I have busted my ass for days now getting the house as pefectly clean as I can. I am exhausted. My weight is acting crazy so I am ignoring it for the moment, my plan is to minimize the non nutritious eating and drinking and to keep up with my workouts. I'm too tired to post a well thought out informative entry but have recently read a fascinating book on weight lifting and am excited to see what happens. Blargh-tiiiiired.

No workout yesterday, I am drowning in my own fatigue over here. Also, even though still eating low calorie I went back up half a pound-I realize that's not the end of the world, but if the scale is not going down the least it can do is stay the same. I know what I need to do, mainly exercise, I just have to dig deep and find the energy. I wish I had that burst back that I had last week, I had to force myself to just straighten up around the house last night and that made me feel so tired and I went to bed early even though I got up late. Weird.

The level of ass kicking equates directly to how often I update. Logging in today and noticing that I did not update the last two days makes me stop and wonder, "Did I not update because the scale has stayed the same for the last three days and I have done no intentional exercise?" or, "Did my lack of updating affect the amount of effort?"
A chicken/egg situation if you will-do I lose my mojo and then stop writing, or do I stop writing and then lose my mojo?
I'm doing my best to just get through today, either yoga or elliptical tonight, food will be on track though I am wanting to eat all day. I've been sitting on the edge of "new territory" scale wise for three days now and it's just not going over...gotta make that extra push.

My back has received the short end of the stick lately. A fearsome ache started building momentum hours ago and has achieved full roar by now. I stuck to my guns yesterday regarding nutrition/fitness, even after going to one of my favorite restaurants and I did NOT feel deprived with my choice. I ordered the halibut fish tacos and had 3 small bites of two different desserts (thats three total, not three each.) I then started hankering for red wine, but decided against it because I tasted the dessert, one sugar should be sufficient. I have a vague plan that if I want dessert I won't eat bread or drink-interchange those key words in the sentence, rinse repeat. The familiar litany of, "I'll just take a rest day today, my body aches" started up this morning, but I still worked fairly hard in the front yard for a little over an hour instead. I then had my best friend over to make handmade ornaments for presents and still did not eat out of plan. The scale flashed up yesterday's weight again this morning, first stall since getting my act together this time, just like I thought it would (sidenote: I ate restaurant food and expected even a tiny gain though I was very reasonable in my choice, so a maintain did not disappoint.)
I can't wait to see what tomorrow holds, happiness has returned since those horrible classes ended.

The Fates seemed to be against me this morning-the Boy would not take a nap, my yoga dvd would not register in the player, and Christmas decoration boxes are stacked up at the end of my weight bench where I normally stand to do overhead shoulder presses with the barbell. However, I persevered-5 minute warm up on the elliptical trainer, then a full body workout as follows:1 set overhead shoulder press, seated instead of standing (to avoid the problem of perhaps twisting my knees trying to stand and straddle the bench), set of walking lunges on each side holding 18 lbs (maybe more, this is from memory), another set of presses, set of deadlifts holding dumbbells, inclined pushups off the side of the trailer, then flys done on the weight bench. Tedious typing this out? You betcha! Okay, then more walking lunges, same as before, then lots more pushups but off the weight bench this time so much harder (much closer to being horizontal), tricep push over my head, then finished up with calf raises.
THEN. I came inside and did some stretching on my mat: down dog, plank, reclined relaxation, some spinal twists, and some hamstring/glute stretches. Oh and some pilates ab work.
Wow this is probably the most poorly constructed entry ever, but I don't care at the moment-my arms are hurting holding my arms up to TYPE because I was such a badass this morning. I forgot about the backbreaking yard work last night and this morning too, only 20 minutes total, but still a good extra effort.
I have dropped 4 lbs since Monday so something must be going right. Like I said, now I'm at 145.5 so it should be intersting what happens next since the "fake" lbs are gone.
Going to an Egyptian exhibit today at the Kimball and then hopefully finishing up all my gift wrapping tonight.

Exhausted today, back aching and eyes heavy-I should be engaging in my yoga practice right this minute as the baby sleeps and yet I feel too hungry to do so. Have I gotten off my ass and actually made something to eat? No. Last night marked the last final of this semester and so I am actually free today, but I know it will take awhile for it to sink in and the stress to melt away a bit. I had to ask my husband to roll blue star emu crap on my back last night it hurt so much, and then on the way to the grocery this morning it hurt badly in the car. The thing that passes as interesting here, is this is all from studying, and I know that yoga would HELP, but that may have to wait until later. I am not falling off the horse, just trying to get sorted.
Sparkpeople rocks! Or at least so far it looks amazing, yet I feel too mentally fatigued to play with it much at this point. I am excited at the prospect of maybe finding some people to bike/walk with in the DFW area, I have a great bicycle that I have hardly used because it is really not safe to go alone around here, though I have done so a few times (nervous the whole time that something would happen). Maybe I just need a pistol holster mounted somewhere, ha! Then I would fall down and shoot myself and no one would find my deserted body before the rabid squirrels got to me.
Back to 146 this morning, started the week at 149.5, so obviously this consists of water weight, or maybe these same pounds that keep ponging around come off easier? When it gets to 145-145.5 I know it will stick for awhile, maybe go down a pound, and then that happens to be the number that I self sabatage ever single time. I've lost nearly 30 lbs AGAIN, and yet this last 10-15 keeps digging in for the long haul. So annoying.
Reading about compulsive eating and trigger foods has really hit home for me, and I am no longer going to put myself in positions that are setup for failure. I don't know I throw myself in with things I KNOW I have a hard time limiting/experiencing wisely and then berating myself for this "weakness". What the hell? Do I like feeling badly? That's rhetorical but I'll answer anyway, "No!" I hate to restrict anyone around me but I told Hubby he may just have to eat pizza with other people and he didn't batt an eye and just said, "Okay." Boy, that was sooo hard, right? Ugh. Okay, pizza, specialty breads, casserole type dishes, chili, chips, goldfish, cookies (esp. cookies), and alcohol to name a few-just get.to.me. Enough is enough, maybe that will be fine for once a week during maintainence, but I am not where I want to be and behaving as though I am only gets me stuck here longer. Healthy habits, healthy lifestyle, and giving myself a break by not constantly going on this crazy for me only show of "Temptation Food Island."

Every muscle in my body aches, or at least it seems that way to me this morning. Rodney Yee's Total Body Power Yoga should definitely be considered a strength building program in addition to flexibility training. Walking the halls of my college Tuesday night at a rather quick pace found me somewhat short of breath and in turn, scared. No reason exists for someone of my age and previous (short time ago) fitness level, to be regressing so far to the land of huff n' puff.
One last final exam tonight and then I'm free, to do what I want, any old tiiiiiime. Well if you are not counting the constant time constraints and responsibilities of being Moe-ma.
The scale inches downward again, I've done three intentional workouts this week and am feeling in control once more. Here's to breaking that "low" and blasting through to the other side.

Just a quickie: Eating is still somewhat off track but I worked out again a bit ago after a much too long break and I am feeling sort of high. Finals this week, then I am kicking some major ass, mine to be specific.
I have a sick baby to attend to, but there is so much to say. Be back soon hopefully.

I haven't stopped wanting to write or gone off the deep end either, I am just insanely busy with school work. I'll probably get a chance to update this weekend...I'm still reading and silently (for now) supporting.

After losing down to my all time low again, I have promptyl gone back up to a whole nother set of numbers and must start over. PHOOEY. No worries, I was sick when I lost to the low but I believe it was not a dehydration state, but merely because food didn't sound that good to me and I ate tons of soup, drank no milk, and basically south beached it in a good calorie range. All I need to do now is halt the free for all and eat all south beachy again and ta da! Or at least this is my hope, I may get more than I bargained for since our son has thrown up today, had disgusting diapers, and my husband and I are both feeling nauseated. I feel extremely tired too, and from what I can tell my little crew feels the same way.
Thanksgiving went well though I ate too much, the food wasn't even all that spectacular, but I ate too much anyway. I can thank red wine for that I'm sure.
So, crappy post-but I wanted to check in.

My back decided to cooperate and heal fairly quickly, but I have been MIA because I am sick as a dog. I am not sure why dog sickness is a measuring stick for severity, but by God, dogs get sick. I am no so ill indeed that I had to scrap my plans of working in Tulsa this weekend and flying home Sunday, and instead am sitting here alone, sick, and slightly crazed with cold meds. I was finally ready to quit mincing about, ready to start taking care of my health right and proper...but that seems to be the way it goes. I'm constantly in a phase associted with kicking of ass and taking of names, or in a phase that would promote fear of salt being sprinkled from above (slug like, get it?). Sigh.
Did I mention cold meds? Yeah.

My back, it is tweaked, and this, it makes me angry-a bit.

Weight going back down slowly despite all of the interferences, don't know what today will hold since it hurts to walk around, and that is not usually helpful when trying to exercise.

What a long day...still dealing with various aspects of my grandmother's diagnosis. We have yet to get any hard cold facts-they are not in any hurry to get a biopsy scheduled, which leads us to think they know it's late stages, but even so would you not want to make her as comfortable as possible for as long as she has left? She is in pain and I am helpless, we're all helpless.
I woke up this morning with renewed purpose and determination to stop screwing around with my health, and yet I still did not eat as cleanly as I would have liked and did no exercise. Sigh. Maybe tomorrow? Each day seems to be derailed by one thing and then I think, "Well I might as well eat this, drink that, have a smoke-I'll restart tomorrow." BAH. That is not a winning attitude, that is the type of thinking that lands me gaining weight and/or maintaining.
I will forge ahead, I have to take control of something.

Bad Mood Blues.

I drank a monster drink and ate a small handful of white corn chips after writing my post about eating so cleanly, go me, etc.
Ah well. PMS , she is a bitch.
Also fighting myself about a workout today, where's the easy button?

Victories so far on Common Sense Plan:

• I resisted the urge to weigh myself even though it has only been two days. Weighing constantly and shooting up and down in mood because of it is NOT common sense. It is crazy, and afflicts many people including myself. We all know it is bad to feel negatively towards yourself because of a number changing by half a pound, etc. but I think it is detrimental to feel GOOD because of the same thing too. I'm trying to focus more on feeling good that I ate only nutritious foods, or I exercised and blessed my heart and lungs. It is very hard to think this way personally, that angle has always been part of this whole weight loss/fitness thing, but I'm an honest person and vanity has taken precendence. Vanity and pride, not really good things to make friends with on a daily basis for years. Pride comes into play because I always try to be the best at any thing I do, even though I sort of hate that quality sometimes, and I especially wanted to prove I could lose the weight after having our son.
• I HAVE eaten only nutritious whole foods, no diet drinks or goldfish crackers, Halloween candy, or tortilla chips. I am very proud of this because I had definitely slipped up as far as that is concerned. I think I had landed in crappy food land due to focusing so much on points/calories and dropping scale weight. It is not impossible to do that and stay true to what is actually good for your body, but it is hard for me.
• I have gotten in two really good workouts so far and am feeling like I can get back in a groove. Treading lightly is the name of the game at this point so I don't stress out and drop it altogether again. Any movement is good for me, and I am striving to really believe that-it is working I think. Yesterday was an hr of power yoga (I am so SORE today) and today was 20 min of elliptical training at a speed that kept my heart rate at target or a bit over the whole time. 4.5 miles.

• Some of my friends have secretly planned a girlie night this Friday, partially to cheer me up about my grandma's health situation. I requested that we make something healthy for me to eat and also piped up and stated my no alcohol/smoking policy. I always feel like a huge tool when I say anything to my friends/family in that area, but it needed to be said and I'm glad that I did. Why should I feel apologetic and lousy that I am trying to be the best me possibly?

So anyway, good things are happening, I am super tired as usual and think I may go have a lie down for a bit before my little buddy wakes up and needs some Mama time before I leave for school. Here's hoping for a tiny nap.

I've hit upon a "plan" of sorts that I am ready for, I would even say craving, after the last few weeks of sloth and unhealthy eating. Weighed in this morning and am up to 148.5, I was hanging around 145.5 so as I said, no big damage done there but my MENTAL state is damanged and crying out for help.
I'm going whole hog, cutting out alcohol, smoking, desserts, extraneous carbs like chips and goldfish crackers, green tea with artificial sweeteners, frozen dinners, CRAP FOOD, etc. etc. forever and ever Amen. Okay maybe just until Christmas, but the point is no empty nutrition, watching portion sizes, and I am excited. Leniancy and "relaxation" has morphed into acting like I have forgotten all I've learned about eating not only for weight loss, but for life.

My grandmother has cancer and it has scared me in the biggest baddest way possible. I am living for a lifetime again, not just the moment.

I plan on easing back into exercise by going back to yoga. I felt the best when I was just doing that three times a week and once you find what works for you, it makes no sense to stop. That's the plan-go back to what makes sense.

We found out my most beloved relative, my grandmother, has late stages breast cancer that has more than likely mestasized into her bones. Eating is rubbish, no exercise for weeks. I feel that I'm on the verge of coming to my senses, but for now I'm walking around in a fog and my brain feels dusty. I can't be bothered with doing anything good for myself, though I make progress each day in returning to my former habits, habits that I have held for YEARS now that seem to have disappeared overnight. So far I haven't gained more than 3-5 lbs, depending on what day it is, so I remain physically unscathed, but mentally wounded. Boo.

Well my own comments window is not expanding in order for me to reply to comments, so I'll have to write here instead. Potatoes, po-tat-oes, right?
Savy, I appreciate the comment, it helps immensely when someone takes the time to stop and say a word or two, especially when I admire that person's dedication and perseverance. I think you know very well what it feels like to put a lot of effort in towards something and to feel frustrated with bouncing around in the same little range of numbers. I am going to continue on and just try and do better, I don't think I can really ask anything else of myself. Eating well and getting regular exercise have become who I am over the last few years, so quitting isn't an option, I just need to come up with a game plan to drop these last ten pounds.
What I don't have is a good consistent exercise routine. The only time I've done something consistently was when I was doing power yoga for a little over an hr three times a week. I would walk occasionally but I put no other pressure on myself other than to complete those workouts, which were not easy, but also provided me with a stress relief that I haven't experienced otherwise. I'm not sure what to do at this point, even though during my extreme yoga stint I maintained and even developed plenty of nice visible muscle, I could not shake the feeling that not doing interval cardio and lifting free weights was not okay. Now we have nice equipment out in the garage for the first time ever and I would feel weird not using it. I think I have to work out some type of hybrid...hmm.
Anyway, current plan is to mainly focus on getting an exercise routine down and not to hyper focus on nutrition at this point, though not to let it slide much either. Night school is sapping my will to live, but there's only 6 wks left. I can do this.
I wanted to write a more cohesive, in depth post than this scattered hodge podge but our 15 month old is not allowing that this morning.

Where to start? I'm a mess.
I had full intention of behaving myself while in Tulsa, which is extremely hard for me to do because my lovely MIL (that is not sarcasm) always has delicious food and wine. If we are not eating the delicious food she provides at their house, we are going out to eat at great restaurants. Cry me a river I know, but this does not bode well for weight loss efforts. She mentioned in an email that we would have spaghetti for dinner Friday night with some of the family and I asked if it could be made with lean beef and she said yes that is all she uses. So far so good right? Well, I made the salad and it was awesome but of course I forgot to ask about dressing and there was this greek vinagrette stuff that was very tasty but of course full fat. Strike one. Then I have spaghetti and a very reasonable portion, go me right? Wrong-three big pieces of melted cheese/garlicy butter bread and 2 or 3 cookies later, I felt sick I had eaten so much and THEN I had three glasses of wine. Okay regroup and do a better job tomorrow I thought. Got up, had F1ber one cereal and coffee, then went for a fast paced 45 minute walk through their hilly neighborhood. Score! Fixed brunch which was turkey bacon, toast, and eggs. I skipped the eggs she made with milk and TONS of butter, full fat cheese, and ham and made myself an egg white/toast sandwich which was also a good choice, and then proceeded to eat maybe 6 or 7 pieces of the turkey bacon. WTF? I already knew dinner would not be a good choice and really there was nothing to do about it since we were going to a tailgate held by family members before homecoming game. There I had a shot of jaeger, two beers, and two bowls of frito chili pie with huge amounts of cheese. So much for that day. Sunday: no breakfast and then a huge burrito thing with fried potatoes for brunch, and then I ordered "greek pasta" at the pizza place on the way home, trying to do something good, and it comes out so covered up in olive oil that it looks like soup. I barely eat any of it and then one piece of small sausage pizza and feel gross the rest of the night. I'm not really trying to give a blow by blow of my food intake but I'm just saying it has been like that for me for awhile. Up, down, up down, and then Monday night I ate so much I literally started throwing up a little. That is some scary stuff, stuffing yourself to that point. I sat there feeling miserable knowing that my husband was about to come home with the chai tea (nonfat! who am I kidding) and big ass chocolate chip cookie from St@rbucks. Yes I ate that too.
Two workouts this week with a little extra cardio on my weights day to try and make some ground up-I'm at limbo yet again and am wondering if I should just try and maintain since that's what I'm doing anyway. I'm three sizes smaller than when I started last year and that may just have to be good enough until I get that burst of motivation that I always do...eventually.
It seems a lot of bloggers are faltering or feeling frustrated and I miss everyone's posts so I thought maybe I should put a post out there and hopefully get some to read in return, ha! Blogging kharma or something, yeah.

Obviously, no matter what I tell myself I DO buy into what the scale says. Even though I managed to make myself workout Saturday, I think going up everyday despite the work I was putting in really did a number on me. While watching the Biggest L0ser last night, the women on the red team kept saying they were afraid they would get on the giant scale and have gained...I think it's a common fear for people trying to lose weight that no matter how hard you try it's going to back fire on you or it's not enough. Saturday night: I had decided to stay within a certain calorie range so like a brilliant dumbass (you like that?) I mixed a martini without eating dinner first, and it just went downhill from there. I vaguely remember making a peanut butter/jelly sandwich before going to pass out and not even saying goodbye to our guests. I felt like the biggest tool in the shop when I woke up Sunday.
There are many more ramifications beyond that night's calories as well. I got up and felt destroyed even though I didn't drink THAT much, and so Hubby insisted on going to eat brunch because he wanted something greasy and I went along even though I did actually to my credit tell him no several times. So I went along and I did alright on my choice, but then I came home and slept for 6 hrs. There went the entire day, not only no workout but no general movements either if you are lying in the bed like a coma patient. After sleeping all day I took a sleeping pill that night to try and sleep some more and get back in the swing of things but of course I never even went all the way to sleep-just went in and out of it-and so I've felt crap ever since. This entire week has been awful, all because of my calorie counting-drinking ways on Saturday. I didn't even get a workout in until yesterday and then the rest of the day I felt like I'd been run over. These classes and the demanind sleep (or lack thereof) schedule I'm on have combined to kick my ass.
Oddly enough I've eaten decently the last two days and the weird pounds that came on last week are gone and I'm back to 145 even. Now if I can remove another lb. I'll be back to my low and back on the way to new territory. I don't know when that will happen on the scale but as long as I don't gain weirdly and I get smaller, I can stay at this weight for all I care. (Ok the 130s would be awesome since I don't remember ever weighing that small.)

This really struck me:


“You don't have to overeat in this culture to gain weight,” says Dr. Lewis Pincus, medical director of the Methodist Health System Weight Management Institute, ToLife!, in Dallas. “All you have to do is show up and not have a plan, which is basically how it is for most Americans.”

More later on my lack of planning and state of mind.

I woke up and thought I would workout. I weighed myself and saw now a 3.5 lb gain, all from this week, despite eating on track and working out everyday, and I was angry and did not want to workout. I fed the baby and didn't want to workout. I ate breakfast and drank coffee and didn't want to workout. I watched teevee and surfed the net and DECIDED to not workout. Our new LCD teevee arrived and I definitely didn't want to workout, I wanted to see my Hubby happy and excited. I decided to measure my waist and saw another half inch gone and decided to work out. My brain is weird.
Workout stats are improving, yesterday 3 miles in 20 minutes and today? Today 4.3 miles. Woot!

Two kickass workouts, back to back. I am proud of myself, something I don't say or think often enough. I tried to type an email earlier and kept writing self deprecating things and backspacing. I never realized fully that I do that as much as I do. So anyway, upper body weights and then 20 min on the happy fun device (elliptical) that has left me dizzy but in a good way. Level 2 makes my heart rate hit the 180s, which is my max and not necessarily where I need to be working out at, so I alternated btw 1 and 2 to stay around 160-165. I better hit the shower before John Reid starts requesting my company. Happy.

Up another half a pound, to 146, and in case math is not you thing, TWO POUNDS up from the low I was so happy I finally achieved. It wasn't just the scale number either, I felt thinner and I felt like I could wear any thing I wanted, was a smaller size, etc. It's all in my head though, the new clothes I got on the weekend still fit well-I'm such a nutcase I tried them on, convinced that they would be a bit too tight now or something. I keep thinking I'm not really that size, it's a fluke, they must be cut big, vanity sizing, etc. Why can't I just accept I really am smaller? When I look in the mirror I don't actually SEE myself I think, even though I look all the time, inspecting, patting, pinching. It's weird. On a positive, non-crazy note, I no longer dislike my body or its parts, and I'd say that's a huge step forward. My legs are actually looking pretty good and they used to be the target of my negative self thinking, or at least the biggest (no pun intended) focus. My legs were weirdly disproportionate to my body, and I had the whole cankle thing going on-now I can see my quad muscles coming out, I noticed a bump close to my knee and realized it's actually muscle! Anyway, crazy thinking on the way out, positive thinking on the way in-yay!
The point about the numbers is, whatever reason I'm up that much has nothing to do with fat and I know it. I'm struggling big time again with this sickness (real not mental) and my throat is killing me, ears hurting, glands swollen. I'm still going to attempt to work out today, I think it won't hurt and if I feel too badly I'll wait yet another day though I don't want to.

Cardio did not happen. In fact, getting up early did not happen-last night when I laid on the bed it was as if I couldn't move, my husband literally rolled me around to put the covers on. The wall was hit and it continued on this morning. Sleep took priority this morning and that is fine, I'll just make up the workout tomorrow on top of upper body weights or workout on free day. Despite my heaping servings of chock full of sodium spaghetti last night, I'm only up half a pound. Of course that makes me a pound and a half up from last week which sucks, I tried to hold it together while we were away. Ahh well, onward right?

PMS has hit with a vengeance. I only had a small bit to allot for dinner out of my day's calories and I promptly ate two large bowls of spaghetti with turkey italian sausage in it and lots of parmesan cheese. The first bowl was a bit too much and I went back for more. Heartburn ensued and so I started thinking chai tea made with skim milk. After discovering the box to be empty I tore into a tin of gingerbread cocoa, found that it was so damn old I couldn't even budge a spoonful. It might have been 6 yrs old, come to think of it-IN TO THE TRASH. End result: honey vanilla chamomille tea made with skim milk and splenda. Delish.
I had a great workout this morning, legs shook at random all day and I'm feeling the ache right now. Cardio tomorrow. I'm not sure why I go crazy every time I get evidence that I've really made progress. Frustration.

Three morning workouts in a row. This is not my beautiful house, how did I get here? No really, it's been fine-I get up around when Hubby and our little guy get up and straight into my workout clothes. I think that's part of the key here, also-knowing I only have to walk out into the garage to workout instead of getting in my car and driving 15 minutes to the gym.
Today was a lower body lifting session, and I can see already I'm going to have to become more organized in order for this to not be a huge pain in the ass. The bench I bought has a leg extension/hamstring attachment that you put a stack on and I was excited about that. Not so much the extensions as I try and protect my knees now, but the hamstring curl in particular. Well the way it is set up, you can't fully curl because there is a preacher curl arm stand in the way. It looks as if I can take that off at whim, but since Hubby put it together I'm not exactly sure how. I checked the instructions on assembly and that is probably the worst instruction manual evah. The bar collar things still completely suck, I know they need to be able to keep the weights on there but damn are they hard to open and get down the bar. I'm learning.
I'm thinking I also need to get a little notebook and record my sets so I know where I'm at without taxing my superb memory. Riiiiight.
I tried again to do a 5 minute warm up on the elliptical and AGAIN it completely kicked my ass on anything other than level 1. What the hell? It's as hard as it was back when I smoked and first started working out-several years ago. I guess it's got a lot to do with the stride and the fact that I've been sick for weeks now and still dealing with allergy crap.
John Reid is sick, poor little thing. Listening to him breathe is breaking my heart, and I wish he could blow his own nose so I didn't have to wrangle him down and use the suction bulb. It's like cat herding, surely that burns calories?

Fear started eating me up, fear that even though the new exercise equipment was out in the garage I would not use it, I'd make excuses and still half ass it along, and it would be a waste. We got it Wednesday night and had zero time to put it together before leaving for OKC Saturday morning bright and early. It's a little over a 3 hr drive to get there and so after driving up Saturday morning and back home Sunday afternoon, not to mention getting very little rest though we had a great time, I was practically delirious coming home. It didn't matter, I marched my butt outside and started sweeping the garage floor, cut the box open, and started trying to pull stuff out to assemble the elliptical myself. Hubby came outside and grumped about wanting to relax and to put it together with me instead of me alone doing it, and I told him to go back inside if he wanted to rest but I was not stopping. We got it together that night (Sunday) and yet I still did not use it. Yesterday morning's workout was powered by sheer will, I got out there and did an upper body workout and enjoyed the new bench and weights, though it was still like slogging through quicksand. Lots of sitting and staring into space, and the collars for the bars hurt my hands to open them which was highly frustrating. I didn't give up though and this morning my upper body is sore. I got up early, got dressed immediately to workout, and sat around for a long time yesterday, but I did it. This morning I put the same clothes back on because I didn't even sweat in them (I said I sat around a lot) and went out there, watched the View, and did 20 minutes on the elliptical. I had to stop multiple times, on LEVEL ONE (ACK) and my chest burned the whole time. I guess it is more accurate to say I did about 17 minutes, I finally decided I had done my best and felt like I was going to die. I think it's the allergies that have been haunting me, the HR monitor said 85-94 bpm, but the counters on the screen were all crazy so I have to read the book to figure it out. It said only 40 calories for the whole time and the ones at the gym say around 170 or more.
I've been at a point where cooking sounds like torture, and I'm sick of it. Considering I cook every single day for myself and my family this has been hard, this feeling. Hubby grilled a ton of different lean meats weekend before last and I made some squash with sauteed onions, and I ate that all week. It was awesome. I also had him buy some lean cuis1nes, even though I usually eschew frozen dinners and it is so nice to just pop it in the micro. I just ate salmon with a lemon dill sauce, pasta, and veggies, fuji apple for dessert. I recommend that particular dinner, it was delicious and 4.5 pts of 240 cals, whatever your mode is.
Alright, I have more to say, about shopping this last weekend in particular, and my disconnect between my actual size and what I think about myself, but Microbiology and Chem II await.

I mentioned spurning the scale again, and of course that has not happened as of yet. This is due to not being able to start working out heavily yet, and so I stepped on this morning because I felt thinner, and yes I am now down to 144, lowest weight ever recorded in the history of man. My BMI is healthy and has been for a little while, and yet my bodyfat percentage is still way higher than I would like. I think it's because I seem to have a lot more belly fat this go 'round after having our baby. My waist would always get smaller before when I would try and workout and eat properly and this time, not so much. It's funny how hormones can change our body compositions so much. It was always my thighs before, and now its my stomach (okay and still my lower body, but less so.)
So yeah, I go off the chain completely and BAM four days back on program and I'm at a new number. One day after my official weigh in, I'm down a pound and a half from last month's number, which just goes to show you how ridiculous the number thing is, and even though I don't want to think about it, that could very well be partially muscle mass. Argh. Today I am not thinking that way though, no-today I am being positive about what I have and forging ahead in all areas of my life. Damn right.

I did it. I loaded up the Boobah, went to Sports Author1ty, and bought free weights, and adjustable bench, and a gym quality elliptical machine!!!
Holy shit.

So I had coffee this morning. After mentally struggling yesterday and drinking herbal tea instead and feeling like crap all day and even skipping class for the first and last time, I went to bed at 8:30 again and slept much too much and I got up, walked in here, and headed straight for the Nesc@fe and kettle. I hate the idea that I am attached to something and that despite my best efforts it gives me headaches if I miss one day, and yet I am thinking trying to go off it during school time that I need to be up and alert until way past my preferred bedtime is probably one of the dumbest things I've attempted.
On the topic of weightloss: I mentioned a while back that I was switching to fitness instead of weight loss as a focus, and I trundled along and made no comprehensive explanation of that, and in fact went somewhere far away brain wise. I'm coming back because I've finally effectively beat my brain about, lost my confidence, been sick, and now I'm starting again.
Official month later weigh in: 146. Last weigh in: 145.5
In case clarification is needed, that is not muscle but rather flabby flab flab. I've avoided mentioning numbers because I don't want to be looked upon as someone that needs to shut the hell up, the thin girl that complains about her ass, etc. I have never been hugely obese but I have been the biggest girl through years of school, picked on etc. (I don't think that ever leaves you totally) and then somewhere around the age of 18 or 19 I started packing it on, the exact number is vague and unknown because I was a big avoider and had never tried to do anything about my weight before. When I was 17 I remember going to the gyno for an exam an weighing in at 151 and being fine with that, and my mother thinking that was way too high. I thought she needed to get a grip. I am roughly 5'7" so while 151 is not "ideal" (put in quotes for a reason) it's definitely just fine. She would be horrified if I told her that memory as she would never dream of acting like that now, I'm not sure why she thought it was acceptable then.
Anyway...I digress. I must have been somewhere in the 180s, possibly a bit higher before my first stab at losing weight. I knew absolutely nothing, and when I asked my sometimes critical mother how she stayed so slim? Her answer: I drink a lot of water. THANKS, that was so helpful. The store she worked at sold stuff called Melt !t, which was basically the same as the other more famous stuff that I can't think of the name now-you ate nothing three hrs before taking it and you took it going to bed. Tasted awful, but I lost 5 lbs taking it and changing nothing else. In my mind I changed nothing but reality is I wasn't eating cheese fries at 2am every night anymore. Becoming a tech really put my eating/sleeping habits in the crapper, along with being poor and sometimes eating nothing else besides various Ramen noodle concoctions. Come to think of it I lost a little bit before and then lost the five with that but I couldn't tell you how I did it.
I joined gyms off and on from '99 onward but never went regularly enough. It all seemed too hard-I always got put on the stair climber thing, and not even the one with the revolving stairs but the really cardio intense thing with the two pedals you step back and forth upon-I still hate that machine. My cardio endurance has always been crap, as a child I was always the chubby red faced kid at the end of the class that would come straggling in during the fitness challenge bullshit. The shitty gym teacher wouldn't even wait on me, they'd all be back inside when I would come up feeling like puking and miserable beyond words with embarrassment. Wow, I still hate her, thanks for giving me such a crap idea of what exercise had to be like.
I'm a chatty kathy today eh? This is getting way too long, there's so much more to say...okay so I got rid of the last horribly bad for me boy, then started hitting the gym regularly around the same time but maybe a bit before, that I met me current hubby. I would do 3 full body workouts with circuit weight machines and 5 days of cardio, jumping from machine to machine doing ten minutes on each. So 30 min on weight training days and 45 min on days with no weights. I changed that to coming home and wogging intervals with our dog on the 45 minute days. This was not always perfect or consistent but I made real progress and I think back to that now and it makes me tired. I went from who knows what size down to a slim and trim 10 and yet because the scale never changed past 160, I thought it wasn't working. HOW FRICK FRACKING STUPID. Grr, makes me mad, and it makes me mad that I still pander to this way of thinking. Long winded story short, I'm about to go back to that way of life, more lax on food and kicking ass on exercise. I can cut before shorts/swimsuit weather hits again and hopefully help my poor metabolism and muscle mass out a bit. I'm afraid to start that until I have daily access to workout equip. though and with our one yr old that has been so hard. So, fitness, shape, clothes fitting, and no more obsession with the scale. I didn't even own a damn scale and no matter how tempting that is I'm not sure if I could get rid of this one now. Hmm. It's a thought.

Day 3 with no coffee:
Sunday was the AIDS walk and with rushing around and trying to get there on time, I skipped my morning cup-when it's so hot outside that's not hard for me to do. So I suffered with an incredibly crappy headache which I chalked up to dehydration but later realized was caffeine related. Monday I thought, well I've already dealt with the headache, I might as well see this out...BUT DAMN I WANT SOME COFFEE!!!
I snuck back on the scale this morning instead of waiting for my official day tomorrow, and I am up a pound from a month ago. Normally that would be muchos malos, but considering the amount of crap I've eaten, just in the last week or two alone, I am very happy with that. When I told my mom I ate donuts, kelaches, funnel cake, cheese enchiladas with a michilada to drink, she almost fell out of her chair, literally. That was in one day, oh and then cookie dough ice cream for dessert. Sheesh.
Back on track, kicking ass until we go to OKC to see the fam and Hubby's friends. Is it wrong that I want to look fabulous when we see all of these people? Most of them saw me either pregnant or not long post preggers. It's not the number one thing on my mind, but it would be nice.
Upper body workout today, tomorrow yoga or cardio or...BOTH.

My husband, son and I participated in our first 5k charity walk yesterday, a first for me and the kiddo at least. Hubby I believe has been in fun runs, etc. before but it had been years. Even though this wasn't really a race, and I only saw a few people jogging up front, it was one of the best feelings I have ever had to raise money for a cause, and then walk 3.6 miles in 95 degrees with a crazy heat index and humidity. Could I have done without the humidity/insane heat? Of course, I even got a bit sick from it, but it felt good to be part of a crowd of good hearted, determined people. This has inspired me to do more of the same, I need to look around and find something soonish. I feel like such an ass because I've had it in my head that I need to able to run before doing this type of event. Would it have felt absolutely amazing to run it? YES. However, me and running? not the best of friends, and I've been missing out on this concrete form of accomplishment, with built in reward of t-shirt and St@rbucks coupons.
I've been considering stopping. Stopping blogging, stopping my reading of other blogs, stopping even my efforts to be a better, healthier, and yes-HOTTER me. I just play at these thoughts though, I'm taking a bit of a relax at the moment but I know myself, and I know I'll be back on to this adventure and will be wanting a plan. When I go balls out again it will be BFL. Hubby says a good set of free weights, bench, maybe smith machine and an elliptical plus stair master are in our future, and with all that at my fingertips maybe I can finally stop fucking around, you know? Sooo, I'm back. Back to posting, reading, and striving to achieve greatness (or more of the same, since I am a badass and all.)