(I know most people that come over my way already know this stuff but I'm writing it down because it helps me to remind myself and I am trying to casually help some friends that are working hard to change their lives.)

Portion sizes are super important, you can be eating the cleanest, most natural, healthy foods and if you are eating too much of them you are not going to lose weight. If that is your aim, then it’s something to really watch. No need to break out the scales and measuring cups however as we have built in tools at no additional cost.
Protein should be in an amount about the size of your flat palm minus fingers and thumb. Palm size varies but is usually a good indication of what portion you should have, for instance: my palm is not the same size as James’, but he needs more fuel than I do.
Carbohydrates should be roughly the size of your closed fist; that equals about a cup. I recommend eating 5-6 small meals a day if possible, and by that I don’t mean 5 chicken fried steaks, I am talking about a portion of protein, portion of carbs and try and make two of your carb portions veggies instead of starches.
Fast Food/Restaurant Eating
Who wants to cook all the time? I get sick of it sometimes, I just want to be waited on and someone else to prepare the food. While this is pretty much guaranteed not to be as good for me (control issues) there are things to watch out for when ordering. Fried takes the “n” out of friend. I have no idea what that means but I think you should avoid it. Covered in cheese is generally not good, but I do not think cheese is the bad guy and should not be eaten. Good quality flavorful cheese makes food TASTY, but it is not necessary to cover up the flavors of what you are eating with a huge layer of it unless the food underneath is not quality itself. Grilled is always going to be better than fried but lots of places still douse it in oil, and we aren’t talking olive. You can ask they go easy on the oil and most places will and there is nothing wrong with saying, “Can I please have a little less heart attack with my vegetables?” Avoid cream sauces, lots of alcohol, and eating multiple slices of bread before you even get your main course. These are some of the main things I had to unlearn because I ADORE great breads and sauces and ahem, The Sauce. Here are some things to get when you just did not/could not plan ahead: Taco Bell has chicken soft tacos that are a good choice without the cheese and sour cream and if that just breaks your heart get it anyway and scrape most of it off. What you probably like is the taste more than a huge clump of dairy products anyway. Wendy’s grilled chicken sandwich is pretty taste and a decent choice, sauce and all and if you throw a piece or two of fruit in your purse/backpack then there you go. McDonald’s grilled chicken sandwich tastes like a rubber boot to me, but that may be just me and I like their $1 menu yogurt parfait though it doesn’t tide me over for long. They may have some decent salads but as I mentioned before, not a big salad eater and if you add the dressing on, croutons etc that they give you, a cheeseburger meal might actually be better for you calorie wise. Iceberg lettuce has little to no nutritional value and that’s what a lot of fast food salads are made of though I can’t speak for Macca’s. Subway has plenty of good choices if you leave the cheese off, or if you really want the cheese LEAVE IT ON and don’t sweat it. If you are really wanting something, just do it unless you realize it’s a daily thing you are doing and not a strong occasional urge.
Which brings me to the idea of dieting/restriction: I do not believe in it. I find it impossible to truly learn a healthy lifestyle if you are basically punishing yourself day in and day out, leading to negative self talk and thinking and self destructive behavior. I thought the loving yourself stuff was a bunch of hooey but it’s not and it is vital to being a whole, healthy, happy person. If you try and eat well the majority of the time and sometimes you just want that chocolate or cheese enchiladas or beer, etc. then have it by all means. But be mindful and enjoy it while you are experiencing the treat. What kind of treat is it if you are mindlessly chewing and swallowing with no pleasure involved? That’s a whole ‘nother kettle of fish but I think I’ve talked enough.

The number one thing that makes eating “right” easier is planning and preparation. That sounds scary/boring but it doesn’t have to be, and it makes life so much easier. I have a short attention span and very little patience so if I can prep food for the week at one time I am guaranteed not to be running for the local pizza hut or eating yet another sandwich. Not that there is necessarily anything wrong with sandwiches, but for me boring equals danger zone, my taste buds must be surprised and stimulated! They’re quite high maintenance really, and quality of taste and ingredients is sort of what I am trying to focus on at this point. That does not mean I don’t have go-to “meals”, I am not a master chef or really even a good cook in my opinion-but I am a good assembler. Here are a few things I’ve been fixating on lately:
1. The cranberry/walnut/feta salad
2. the chocolate soy strawberry shake
3. Athenos baked pita chips, whole wheat of course
4. 2% cottage cheese, heavy on the lemon-pepper seasoning
5. cereal-I mix ¼ c. Kashi go lean crunch with ¾ c Fiber One, skim milk and fruit like bananas and cranberries, blueberries or strawberries-whatever is on sale
6. grilled vegetables basted with olive oil and granulated garlic
7. fresh fruit and veggies
8. crispbread with chicken/tuna salad
9. Carb Balance wheat tortillas

And now I’ll expand out all of this to make it even more exciting!

Okay 1. I already posted the other day, sometimes I throw in different stuff. I’m out of walnuts so I’m using pecans though I don’t love it as much. I also added my leftover grilled veggies and that’s definitely tasty and filling, and since I was lured into buying Fuji apples at Costco and must now be creative with them I added them to my salad. It was good and yet surprising to me because I am normally anti-fruit in savory salad.
2. is great as post workout or quick breakfast; I make a blender of it (about 2 cups blends up to be about 3) and the frozen strawberries are what give it a shake feel, instead of using ice cubes which make it taste too watery. I then keep it in the fridge and just add fresh strawberries and re-blend for a minute when I want to have another one instead of washing the blender and remaking the shake each time. Obviously I drink them pretty quickly or that would be…gross.
Number 3 was an impulse purchase that I have now bought each weekly shopping trip, I like to dip them into the cottage cheese (#4) eat them with sandwiches, soups, etc.
The cereal combo (#5) makes it a “meal” I eat the most I think, I like the different textures and tastes together, it’s light enough to eat at night and the Kashi Go Lean has a pretty worthy amount of protein so I don’t get hungry for awhile, unlike other cereal.
I grill the veggies(#6) for about ten minutes total until there are grill marks and they’re tender enough, and the crispbread(#8) is something my mom turned me on to as an alternative to bread. At 60 calories for two big pieces you can’t beat the crunch and taste you get. When I make chicken or tuna salad I also do that a bit differently. I use reduced fat mayo, capers, and an Italian seasoning blend and it’s wonderful, either on the crispbread or in the tortillas(#9). I love these tortillas because they are so soft and do not harden when you heat them up a bit, not to mention they taste great.
When I do take the time to make my life easier, I like to have a small selection of meat grilled up (or baked if necessary) like turkey tenderloin (much leaner than pork, not so greasy), chicken (I beat it flat with a meat tenderizer mallet, SO much better) or bake it (I put a small loaf pan with water in the oven at the same time I bake meats to help it not dry out so quickly), or burgers which we make from venison but a mix of lean turkey and beef works well too. If you have your veggies cut up in containers and different meats ready to go it’s not that hard to throw something together.
There’s so much more but I’m tired of working on this.

Current favorite recipes:

Cranberry Feta Salad

Romaine lettuce
Cranberries
walnuts
reduced fat feta (crumbled)
reduced fat Ken's Steakhouse Caesar dressing
cherry tomatoes (optional)
purple onion (optional)

Toss it together, eat. What did you expect? It's a salad. The flavors are awesome together though, definitely does not taste same ol', same ol'.

Chocolate Strawberry Shake



1 cup Silk Chocolate Soy Milk Lite
handful of frozen strawberries
1 scoop vanilla soy protein powder

Blend, drink. What did you expect AGAIN? It's a shake. *grin

Both are delicious and hold me over for hours which is quite a feat. Just thought I would share, I haven't gotten tired of either one of these items yet!

My first time being tagged (on my blog that is), and this meme is from Kada.

1. Grab the nearest book.

2. Open the book to page 123.

3. Find the fifth sentence.

4. Post the text of the next 3 sentences on your blog along with these instructions.

5. Tag 5 people.

"I was of the opinion that God wasn't messing around and it was critical to look at the reality of the situation, assess what needed to be done, and then put my efforts into BabySteps. Do you see the difference? I still made a big picture analysis, but because of BabySteps did it without the paralysis of no action."

I don't know five people to tag but if you read this and want to do it, please do and let me know!

Edited to add:The title of the book is "Body Clutter, Love Your Body Love Yourself by Marla Cilley and Leanne Ely.

List of Complaints: Nothing to See Here Folks
The Boy is still sick and it breaks my heart not to mention is very tiring on dear ol' mama. My class is not going well though I am still struggling along and at least I can do the labs properly and the reports that go along with them. It's the lecture exams that are heap big scary. My mother is sick, my dad just got done being sick, and this is the second week that I have not felt well and yet it's an even more unsatisfying limbo-unless I am sick on the bed I feel like I need to suck it up and continue being a work horse super woman, even though truly I need to rest. I AM getting better about that but it's an old habit to break.
I have been doing really well, my weight is creeping downward and the weight I lift is creeping upward but I have been unable to workout since Sunday and this is majorly bumming me out, I'm due for my period and feel horribly depressed, old, and unattractive. I've had a few people recently place my age 5-10 yrs older than I am and I cannot tell you how great that makes me feel. Bleh.
I forced myself to grill some eggplant and red peppers and chicken is roasting in the oven as I type, so at least there is that.
I am just tired of everything at this point and I want a vacation from my life, but only to a better one.
Just a terrible, horrible, very bad no good day.

Our son woke up this morning throwing up and crying and what has followed is an endless cycle of feeling badly myself and running the washer/dryer. We received a letter from the Mother's Day Out program he is in about the rotovirus that two children have been diagnosed with over the weekend. I wanted to get in some cardio today but...yeah that is not going to happen.
I am not throwing up myself but feel weak and dazed and am trying to not start up the eating again like yesterday. I stuffed myself pretty good (read:bad) yesterday and woke up not wanting anything. Missing lecture today is not the way to make it through organic chem but I couldn't help it and sometimes you just have to deal with life and make it through.
Let's see, took a rest day Thursday and was still feeling yicky and tired, Friday I cleaned like a madwoman and know for a fact that it was just as good as a regular cardio session, I was sweating pretty hard trying to get it together before in-laws arrived for the weekend. Then Saturday I got up and worked it on the elliptical outside for 20 minutes and Sunday I attended yoga again with sister-in-law though it was a different instructor and neither one of us liked it as much.
I've started feeling tiny again and I think that is partly to blame for the Day of Eating yesterday and my wayward feelings today. I was upset last night by family bullshit and I don't deal well with that either, I need to get busy with my B0dy Clutter book and try and figure out what is at the root of all my issues with eating and trying to feel good about myself with sabotaging it.

101st post, very cool. I mean to do one of those 100 things in however many days lists, I think it's important to always be striving to do, see, and think more.
I hate tracking things but I think I need to start writing down what weights I'm lifting as it's changed again and I think I may need to examine closer what I'm lifting as pretty much everything has changed to a bit heavier and I'm not remembering as well. If I don't push it each and every time I won't progress as quickly or as completely as I would like.
It is also killing my data loving self to not know for sure how much the bars weight, etc. For my own knowledge and yours if you like this sort of thing (I am looking at what I can do with good form for one set, not what I could do if I was doing a one rep max.):
Shoulder press, sitting: 30-35 lbs. which seems puny but I know is maybe twice what I could do when I started. I also must keep in mind these are free weights and not compare them to weights on resistance machines.
Walking lunges: 34 lbs. This is already a step up but I think I could go up to maybe 40 lbs soonish. (split that into halves for each dumbbell I'm carrying)
Chest Fly, bench: 30lbs + whatever the arms weigh, hard to explain, maybe I will take pictures
Squats, dumbbells: 43 lbs. Just bumped this up and I think I could go up some more since I can do 3 sets plus negative holds for 30secs, though it is challenging.
Bicep curls: 14 lbs.-that seems so puny but when I started with it I couldn't do a full set of ten without doing negatives on this weight and now I can do the ten and then do a 30 sec. negative hold as well, so progress but so slow. Maybe I should mention I have probably already done two sets of pushups at this point and am pretty confident now that I think of it I could do a higher weight on curls if I hadn't already fatigued my arms a good bit.
Calf raises: 58-60lbs. I can lift more than this with my calves but my ARMS have to hold the dumbbells in my home gym and so 60 lbs. for long enough to do a set of 15 rocking lifts with a 30 sec. negative hold at the end is enough. Just raised this from 48-50 lbs.
Tricep extension: 14 lbs, my triceps have come a long way from only being able to work with about 5 lbs way back when. Only make it to 20 sec. on the hold at the end, working on that.
I think that's it...some of this I do two sets but not many. My objective is to work out with the most efficiency, not longevity.
I've pretty much stopped doing deadlifts, still drag that move out sometimes but even though I pay close attention to form there is just so much potential for someone like me working out alone to hurt myself. Squats with a 30 sec hold at the end and walking lunges seems to be doing the trick for the old backside.
I started out my workout today with 5 min warm up on the elliptical trainer and then since it is so beautiful out there I took out my bike after I finished lifting and just rode around the block (about a mile) listening to my iPod and feeling the breeze on my face. Things are going well, slowly knocking out the bloat I ended up with after overeating the last few weeks, perhaps the real fat will start melting off again-I'd like to see the figure that had started emerging before I got sick two times ago. Sigh.

Chinese Friday night, Greek and Chinese take out Saturday, and Mexican food for lunch Sunday-yoga Friday, walking Saturday, and then the feat to top it all: morning yoga at the gym with my lovely SIL.
That's the wrap up of the days since I've been here-thought I should get that out of the way. Sunday and yesterday I felt so ill I did well to walk from the couch to the bed, and even though I'm not 100% today I just took John Reid out for a walk through the neighborhood then worked in the backyard a little bit. My second organic chem test is tomorrow morning and I am not prepared and am fretting like always. I have so much to say but no time for now-have to make myself study.
I'll just tell you about the yoga class Sunday before I go. The class I have taken at the same gym and also my dvd I work from at home are both "power yoga". Quickly moving and a decent cardio workout as well as strength training. The Tuesday night power yoga class usually kicked my tail really well and when I walked up to the classroom Sunday morning and so it was called "yoga stretch" I was dubious. First off a little more background; Saturday night I attended a party for a friend at a smokey bar and did not get to sleep until after 1 and the class was at 9:30. Not that bad you say but I was not feeling so hot that morning so it was a real feat to even show up, let alone do the class. So I see the instructor and I'd had her before as a sub on Tuesday night and remembered I got a great workout from her method. This class was much slower than I am used to and extremely physically challenging. I feel like form was more of a focus and she sure does love the plank pose and we were admonished to be strong and straight during plank, not like a saggy rotten log. Lol. Nice eh?
It was great, would do it again definitely, and now I must be off to study.

I ate a lot last night, a lot of sodium and large portions. I'm not going to feel badly about it thought, it was special and my Hubby made us dinner, the same meal in fact he made for me our first Valentine's. It's been extremely cold for Texas (in the 20s) and working out in the garage just has not been an option. Call me a wuss, I don't care-I am not working out when the bones in my hands hurt from the temperature. However, I will be hitting the gym if this continues, I have an indoor workout option, it's just not nearly as convenient. I would try out the gym's daycare today if John Reid was not sick, he woke up yesterday sneezing, coughing, and impersonating a snot faucet. I am experiencing some of the same (except the cough) but it's not getting me down because I am not letting it. So there germs!
This Sunday I am attending a yoga class with my SIL at 9:30 am. The fact that I am also attending a friend's blow out birthday party at a club/restaurant the night before is not going to slow me down, I am sort of "over" staying up late and drinking. I'd rather remain sober, be able to drive home instead of wasting money on a cab, get to bed at a decent time, and be able to get up and bless my spirit with someone I love. Take that preconceived notion of fun!
Where did everyone go? I miss having something to read when I should be doing other things. *smile

Friday and Saturday were elliptical days, Saturday our son hit his dad's garage door remote on his keys and when it started coming up with no warning and its loud screechyness I about fell off the machine and screamed like a total weinie. Sunday was my mother's birthday and even though I had gone out to eat the previous two nights I had to eat Italian take out that night and while delicious, was not a smart choice. However, I think the other nights were good choices and I ended up maintaining over the weekend somehow so that must mean ye olde scale had dropped a bit. No worries, at this point I'm truly in a place where the scale is merely a tool, albeit a faulty one, and so I am not feeling bad/good about any numbers. If it becomes a mental pitfall I will once again avoid weighing but I don't see it happening. Working on loving myself, imperfect or no, has removed a lot of things.
Yesterday I fit a lifting session in between dropping the Boy off and driving to school. I upped my weights on chest flyes, squats, calf raises, and triceps extensions. I need to up it on the lunges as well and I was able to complete a set of curls with no negative reps needed on either arm, something I've been working towards. I came inside and laid on the floor, legs point straight up and shoulders/head raised as well, like a curled up sort of position that killed my abs-held that for a slow count of thirty and then did plank for...hmm I think thirty (the cat came up and decided to decorate my face with her tail fur while I was trying to concentrate).
Eating is sensible and unmeasured, I've had a hard time getting back to the great place I had arrived with food after eating that Italian food, its like it set off a chain reaction of munchy days-that should tell us something about so-called "bad" food. High fat/calorie/grease/salt food sets off negative behavior for me, but the good news is: this too shall pass.
A shake of cinnamon in your coffee grounds before brewing really livens up a cup of joe, I'm just sayin'.

The day after a weight training workout I take a rest day, but this time I thought we were going to have visitors this weekend, and so I cleaned quite a bit and fell in to bed exhausted.
Friday morning I rolled out of bed, extremely groggy, took the Boy to school, ran home with no minutes to spare and hopped on the elliptical for a gut busting workout. Showered and dressed I had no time to eat or I would be late for school, so I popped some oatmeal with strawberries and egg whites in the micro. That may sound gross but its actually quite good, tastes like an oatmeal bar because you don't taste the whites, just get some protein. You don't taste them if you don't nuke the bejeezus out of it until it explodes. Sigh.
So kinda nast but I ate it anyway when I stopped at red lights and it was fine, not every meal has to be a culinary masterpiece.
Which brings me to last night's dinner. (Nice segue eh?) We went back to the local seafood place that we've been to twice before. The first time we went I ordered a grilled platter and really enjoyed it. They make this bread that is divine with a crystallized sugar on top that sounds strange in a dinner bread but is so great! We devoured that bread in a few moments just between the two of us. We also usually get the calamari, which as you know is fried with a fatty sauce. I've realized that even though I like the taste it makes me sick later, heartburn, etc. The second time I wanted their french fries for some reason, and I did something really stupid-I ordered a fried platter. I was sick as a dog before we even left the premises, why did I think I would like it? It tasted gross to me and I felt awful the rest of the night.
So, this time I ordered one of their specialties, cajun pineapple tillapia-a spiced fillet with a pineapple salsa over it that was great and a good choice at the same time. No appetizer, only a few small slices of that delish bread, one glass of wine that I didn't finish, and even though I ordered the baked potato as my second side I tried it, didn't think it was that good and left it. I am working on quality not quantity.
There's a great show on Food network with Giada from the everyday italian show-she goes to different cities and shows you places to explore and of course, eat. I love it! I notice she tries all kinds of gorgeous foods, doesn't worry about calorie count, but she truly enjoys each bite and is in the moment. I am tired of living life, and especially eating on auto pilot.
The future looks so rosy.

Thanks for the well wishes, I'm feeling a lot better today-probably at 90%. Yesterday I decided to just act "as if" and despite the nausea walked a brisk 1.3 miles in about 18 minutes. That's pretty damn good pushing a stroller coming off of being sick. Calories burned: 190, asses kicked: 1.
Had to run to lab last night during another class's time to re-weigh the sample I had to turn in with my report. It's a good thing I did since it was waaaay off and would have really brought my grade down. I felt so sick before I left I wasn't sure what to do but did it anyway and took care of business. School is stressing me out big time and I know the lack of exercise lately is partially to thank for that. Which brings me to my next thought...
This new way of life I'm building, free from dieting and unnatural behavior, only works if I move my body regularly. Ta da! Epiphany free of charge!
When you are restricting calories, missing workouts slows down progress but it doesn't completely toss it out, or at least not for me. Trying to intuitively eat, listening to my body, but yet still trying to become the best version of me only works with regular intense exercise. I think if I was just looking to maintain my weight I could let it slide more often but really, doesn't that defeat the whole point here? My goal is to instinctively choose food that is good for my body and to intentionally move around each day as part of what is normal to me, not forced. Resting at least two days a week is also part of my plan and it has made a huge difference.
Being a nutrition major means I strongly believe in choosing the best possible fuel for my body and mind. I do not believe in uneducated intuitive eating, but I do not believe what I mean by that would be truly intuitive eating anyway. The whole idea behind it is to be in tune with your body and to truly listen and if you are still steadily making poor choices that hurt your well being, than perhaps you aren't quite there yet. I also believe that the dieting I have participated in the last few years ended up being mentally destructive, and to a degree physically, and yet I learned so much about what I need to feed myself and a strong desire to educate myself further and to help others was born. So all in all, not a wash and I am happy and proud that I'm breaking out of the highly self-critical self esteen busting lifestyle I had slipped into-mainly through Weight W@tchers. On the other hand I don't think it is evil, or bad for everyone, but the mentality of the scale mattering so much and my self worth hinging on what number flashed up that day was not healthy for me.
I'm still figuring things out, but as of yesterday I'm back in business. Today I fit in a tremendous lifting session and feel good about what I accomplished. I need to focus on that instead of how large my abdomen is today, it's swollen out 3-4 inches bigger than normal and I have no idea what is going on-not making me feel good about myself though. Writing this helped me to see what I need to be looking at instead of examining myself in the mirror.
To clarify about the drinking: my bad influence friend and her husband were our drinking buddies and we'd put away a case each on a bad/good night. When I woke up and stopped basically killing myself with food and alcohol I am sure it threw her for a loop. Socially drinking is fine with me, just when I have a headache or just flat out don't want to drink, she needs to accept that and stop harping on about why I am not being "part of" things.

When I feel bad my habits are complete rubbish. I realize I'm from Texas but rubbish is the perfect descriptor here. I thought I felt badly yesterday from the not so stellar performance the night before but halfway through the SuperBowl party at the same infamously influential friend's house I needed to go home, RIGHT THEN. Sore throat, sour stomach, major lethargy, felt like I was sinking. I did eat like crap at the party, but not nearly as badly as I might have in the past. Luckily this mystery illness causes my stomach to feel full immediately, with unfortunate distended bloating and other nasty unmentionables. Anyway, sick yet again, feel like crap, and everything is derailed for the moment, but I'm not diving head first into food my body doesn't actually want, so that's a start right?

Kada, thanks for the support, I really appreciate it!
LME, this particular friend doesn't understand that some people don't actually want to drink constantly and does actually act strangely towards me when I refuse. However, I do refuse when I am not feeling it and she can just deal with it if it bothers her. It has affected us though and I don't hang out with her nearly as much as I did when WE both drank a lot with her and her husband. Thanks for the get well wishes, and I think I will actually ask her flat out next time why she is so terribly interested in what I drink.

Friday I hit the weights hard and yesterday morning I definitely was feeling it. Disappointingly more in my upper body than lower but there was soreness there, just not as much. Don't get me wrong, I'm happy to make progress on my upper body but I like to know that I successfully kicked my own ass (literally) since the major muscle groups burn more calories and build up more as well. I also had an excellent eating day, got plenty of veggies and I know I kept it at a healthy level just by making good choices.
Then we get to yesterday. No workout for me as it was my recovery day from lifting. I have been purposefully setting the following day as a rest day this go round and it has given me much better results and is better for me mentally as well. Husband wanted to go to the Dallas b0at show, for something to do out of the house and also to get an idea if it is even feasible in a few years to have one. I made a nice little breakfast for myself and then packed some kash! g0 lean cereal, cranberries, and yogurt covered raisins in a baggie to munch if I got hungry. Well I ate that in the car on the way there, which is fine, but then when we left I needed to pee because I opted not to do so there like a dummie and so being in downtown there were not a lot of options besides restaurants. We have a late "lunch" even though neither one of us was truly hungry enough for it, and boy did I overeat. To give myself some credit though, I drank several large glasses of water there and my meal was blackened fish tacos and I did not eat much of my rice or charro beans. I did well on my choice, just not on the portion at all.
Last night we had a fight night party at a friend's house, so after dropping the Boy off we headed over there at 8 and I was finally hungry again. Instead of getting into an argument about requesting something "healthier" to eat and then eating something bad on top of it, I just agreed to pizza and started drinking my red wine. Red wine on an empty tummy, Husband did not order the food right away, so it was 10 before I ate anything. I did only eat 2 pieces which was a major deal for me since it's always been a trigger food. The problem I am working up to is a proceeded to drink almost the whole bottle of red, plus had a jello shot which I did not really want/need, then after our friend dropped us home I had another beer! I had reached that point of thinking I needed to keep drinking even though I reeeeeallly did not. Now keep in mind this was over a 7 hr period, but still!
So I feel like total ass right now, mainly due to empty tummy since I have been downing a great amount of water and don't feel dehydrated. I am a weirdo that cannot sleep after drinking too much and so I only got 4 hrs and could not toss and turn anymore listening to various bodily functions on the other side of the bed. Beer makes you somewhat of a musical instrument apparently.
I will not continue on a destructive streak today, and I am saying right now: there will be no drinking tonight for moi, super bowl be damned. The group is getting together again that was together last night and it's at my friend's house that is a bad influence for me with both food and drink. She's fun, we talk 90 miles an hr, but I tend to make bad choices just being around her. Not tonight!

Gah! Had to oust that last pity party post but no time to write at the moment. I'm holding out that the Boy will take a nap and I can go fling metal around for oh, about 45 minutes.
If you like chocolate covered strawberries, get thee to a Dairy Queen, that's all I'll say about that. I don't even know if there ARE Dairy Queens outside of this area and maybe the surrounding states.
For the curious, no workouts since Saturday, BOO.

I need to post but right now nothing floating around upstairs is worth committing to ye olde blogosphere. It's been a hairy couple of days:

1.no workout since Saturday
2.no posts due to studying ass off for first exam
3.first exam sucked ass
4.sick toddler
5.took time out from studying last night to make a new spaghetti squash dish that I was looking forward to eating today, dropped container getting it out of fridge, which shattered and ruined the whole thing with me not getting even one bite
6.myriad other crappy things
7. PMS
8.appt. with uroligist early in the morning to hopefully find out what the hell is wrong with me and maybe finally have sex again after MONTHS
TMI? So sorry, but I'm so miserable I don't care at this point.

Lots of good posts out there, I intend to comment when I can get my head straight.

I'm at war with myself.
On Jan. 5th (or 6th, I can't remember) I said to myself, "Enough. You are going to stop this negative lifestyle you've adopted in the pursuit of a perfection that is not obtainable. If you continue to think this way about yourself, and food, and your body image, you will never be happy." At first, meaning really the first week or so considering it has only been three weeks, it seemed easy, I felt as if I were floating and woke up happy each day. It started to slow down when I weighed myself and saw that same higher number than my usual. Chanting the mantra of, "The number means nothing at this point, you're gaining muscle and taking care of yourself" I soldiered on, fighting my negativity still. The next week was harder, but I stuck with it and felt great and when I did the "official" two week measurement I discovered my body was the smallest (in a good, healthy way) ever in my adult life, and then I fell sick. Four days was all it took to bring me down, four days of no workouts and slightly wonky food. I only got in three workouts this past week and it showing in my body and more importantly my mind.
I am fighting a battle with myself, the desire to go back to counting my food and limiting my intake against what my body tells me it wants it back. All day it has flitted in and out of my thoughts, and I know I have to push back against these self destructive suggestions. I had already decided I would go into a "cut" right before bathing suit season, and that this was more about maintainence and muscle growth.
This is all just so exhausting at times, it really is. So exhausting to be nice to myself and to refuse the negative thoughts, the doubt, dealing with the stress of life. The thing is though, this is life-not something that is temporary or that you can shrug off, this is simply life and making the effort to have the best one that I can. That means feeding myself properly, working out regularly, and working every minute of every day to fend off the things that drag me down.
Workout today-20 min elliptical, 4.5 miles, 306 calories burned.

Yoga was on the schedule this morning but when I awoke, DOM had hit me pretty hard, especially in the chest area. I couldn't face the vinyasa sequence over and over at the time (plank, push ups, upward dog, downward dog). Anyway, I told myself I'd figure out something later and harrumphed through my morning, got to class, picked up my transcript, went to the grocery, and went to the post office for a lifetime, or at least it felt that way. I tried something today-this Org. Chem class is a doozy, so I dressed sort of "up", professional clothes that I would have worn to the office that just sit in my closet now that I'm home most of the time being Mama. It did affect my mental outlook and I felt more in control and sharper. It is truly strange what our minds are capable of if only we allow it.
I've felt out of sorts lately at home and then at around 4:30 Husband proposed a family walk and then also a visit to feed the ducks some bread. I jumped on the chance and ended up walking at a good pace pushing the stroller for at least an hr, maybe a bit more. Family time and burnt more calories than I would have doing the yoga that I just wasn't feeling today. We went to dinner and I ordered sensibly, had only one beer, and took half my meal home. I had what I wanted and what I wanted just also happened to be good choices.
I could have fleshed this out a bit but I'm actually pretty worn out and Husband is lobbying for bed.

Today I felt well enough to get back to flinging metal around, and so I managed to fit it in depsite a hectic day and I feel so much better for it. It's a chain reaction, when I workout I tend to eat better, however it doesn't work the other way around as well. Maybe I haven't seen a correlation because in the past "eating well" meant dieting and on 1200-1350 calories I just don't have energy for anything more than chasing our son and going to school and running the household. Okay, even that was a stretch, no wonder I lost my shit periodically and cracked up on the kitchen floor. NEED MORE FOOOOOOD.
Anyway, onward.
It is still amazingly freeing to not count anything, whether it be points or calories. Sunday started off a four day spree of sliding back into no counting=making bad choices, but I know it doesn't have to equal that and I have the tools, the knowledge, and the economic status to buy and prepare healthy, nutritious meals. It may sound weird to throw in the economy comment, but so many people do NOT have the money to buy fresh fruit and veggies, leaner cuts of meat, whole wheat breads...you get the picture. I think it CAN be done on a budget, and I don't throw money around all crazy like, but it IS harder. Considering Ramen noodles are like 10/$1.00, need I go on really? Sometimes I don't keep this in mind, I get cranky and tired and frustrated like anyone, but overall it helps to try and remember to be grateful. Wow, re-reading that I wanna kick my Polly Anna ass! Just trying to be positive, I've been freaking out all night (read:crying, holding head in hands) about getting into the school I've been working so hard towards for the last two years.
So, could not sleep last night and had my first lab this morning. I had planned on getting up at 6:20 to get my lifting in, but as the hours rolled by with my eyes still wide open I had to reset the alarm for after 7. Up at 7, dealt with a tired toddler and got to school on time, felt like I needed toothpicks to prop open my eyelids. Nerves caused me to make stupid errors in lab, but no major harm done really. I now have a lab report to write, but let's not think about that now. Got out of lab in time to get home, quickly eat a sandwich and then head out to the garage before picking up our son and driving over to my mother's for a visit. Roughly a 40 minute workout, burned 330 calories (100 more than last time) and upper and lower body were quivering for some time afterwards. I do shoulder press, pushups, deadlifts, squats, walking lunges, calf raises, tricep extension, bicep curls, lateral raises...I think that is it. I do no more than two sets on each body part-I believe if you do more than that you are not lifting heavy enough. If I had a smith machine I think I could get it down to one set, but with no spotter-2 it is. I started out with a 5 minute warm up on the elliptical trainer and did about a mile in that time which is more distance than usual.
Summary: exercise is great, food is on track again, sleep is greatly needed. Brain meltdown-directly related to degree of cohesion of entry.

I suppose I just can't take cold medicine, it took me half the day today to shake off the "hangover" feeling and I had to drink a lo-carb M0nster energy drink to even accomplish that. I have eaten entirely too much for days now and have done no exercise and I am feeling like total crap. I can't wait to get back to working out, I plan on heading to bed in a moment so I can get up and hit the weights with my new gloves. Tomorrow morning is my first lab in Organic Chem and I'm nervous, but I did my pre lab work and should do alright, all I can do is my best.

I am sick and have slept most of the day and did not workout like I desperately want to, but I got some gloves for lifting from wally world like Mar!a suggested and am looking forward to trying them out soon. I am CRAVING a workout-I hate falling victim to wee beasties, why can't I be superwoman?

Last evening was "Girlie Night", where a group of us friends get together and basically have a huge selection of food and drink and we um, hang out and eat it. The name Girlie Night sounds to me like heading to a nudie bar, but not quite so erase that from your memory. It is sort of hard for me to be in this group of women because they are pretty much all overweight to varying degrees and make disparaging comments towards me here and there every time we're together, because to them I am the thin girl that is an enemy in a weird way, but they keep inviting me to hang out so it is sort of confusing. They have no idea what I have gone through, or what my mental hangups still are, or just how damn hard I have worked to get to this state of thinness that they seem to think was handed to me. Hmm, now that I write this I wonder why I keep going back. The thing is they are all also witty, intelligent, fun people and I don't think they realize the comments and attitudes hurt my feelings. Perhaps if I just opened my gob and TOLD THEM it hurts they would stop it or reconsider, I am just afraid of being the "whiney skinny girl, boo hoo I'm thin". Another distorted thing is, in my head when the label of thin is applied to me I still don't accept it and feel strange saying it out loud. Any admission that I have achieved what I have worked for years on is bragging somewhere in my subconscious. I think it relates back to an offhand comment from my MIL, I had told her happily that I thought I was finally in an 8 and was very excited and that was all I said, sharing something with someone that I thought would be happy for me too, and later she made the comment to someone else, "Erin was bragging about being an 8 all weekend."
Ah well, life goes on-I did ok with the party food and now I'm going to finish getting ready, go get my best friend, and drive to see my grandma that was diagnosed with cancer this year, she's getting worse a lot faster than we thought and I just want to have time with my friend (grandma) before that is no longer an option. She's always been my hero and it is hard to reconcile that the world will no longer be blessed with her presence.

What a morning! The alarm went off at 7 in order for me to wake our son up and get him fed so he would still be sleepy and ready to go back to bed. This was the plan in order for me to knock out a session of yoga (Husband is gone this morning), but when the alarm sounded I turned it off and grumbled back to sleep for thirty minutes. Straight away I could tell the little one was still tired so I put him to bed, changed clothes to practice yoga, and the proceeded to struggle for twenty-five minutes trying to get my dvd to play somewhere, ANYWHERE in this house. The living room set kept kicking back a NO DISC msg, my laptop had no audio, and the bedroom didn't read it either. Finally, I desperately decided to try and do it from memory with it playing silently on my laptop if I needed to double check anything. I felt like the universe was against me but I had to try and time was running out quickly. When I went to get it out of the bedroom player I noticed it WAS WORKING! Eureka!
Then my HRM started acting up and not reading my heartbeat so I just pulled it off and chunked it. I really love wearing it and getting numbers to soothe my nerdy soul but yoga is really for my mental health (on top of the physical rewards) and I also knew I needed a good stretch.
Long boring story short-I got it done, feel wonderful, and am proud I persevered. Also, my size 8 Lucky brand jeans fit better than ever now, despite being 5 lbs heavier so I feel like I have made amazing progress adding muscle mass. I was always told women can't build muscle that quickly but I beg to differ, I believe I have put on somewhere around 3 lbs of muscle in the last month, that is just an estimate. Those jeans were hanging over my head because since I've rebelled against dieting they were too tight and too much squish hanging over the top, and I hate to admit it but it bummed me out. There is nothing hanging over now and they button easily. Last night I could not get to sleep because I laid there poking and pinching and prodding, excited and hopefully and worked up about what is finally happening for me. I have finally found an eating style I can truly live with for life and workouts that I can keep up and that really work and get results. I have had issues with my weight and self image my whole life and have hardcore dieted for about the last five years, and it has finally led me to a good place. How funny that working on your head really does take care of the rest, I never thought that applied to me. Live and learn.
I plan on doing 3 5k runs/walks this year, and while it would be cool to run one/all of them, I'm not sure where that fits into my current exercise plan. Running still eludes me but maybe with the strength I am gaining and the fat I am dropping I can finally do it, we'll see.

I weighed and measured this morning and I am in SHOCK. My waist is the smallest it has been since I became cognizant of the size of my waist. I dropped an inch and a half in the last two weeks of eating with common sense and trying to slow it down and actually taste things, but with a major slack in the reins, and trying to do 4-5 quality intense workouts focusing on weight training, interval cardio, and yoga. I felt that I had moved past the point of being destroyed by the scale and I have-it had actually gone up half a pound from two weeks ago and yet I am smaller. This means muscle. This means happy Erin! Spark has you measure waist, hips, and neck. Down 1.5 inches on waist, same on hips and same on neck. The hip measurement indicated I've added muscle to my rearview which makes me very happy-the women in my family tend to have flat asses and that does not mean they stay small either. Picture a large pancake when left to molder minus exercise. I had also developed the weird love handle things that hang over people's jeans and they do exposes on with blurred faces, and those are pretty much gone. I noticed that yesterday-no big humps sitting on the top of my rear, hard to properly explain.
Anyway, things are changing, for the better, and I am most pleased.
My weight has gone from 145 avg to 149.5 this morning, and yet my waist went from 28.5 at 149lbs to 27 at 149.5. The smallest my waist got was 28 inches at 144.5 lbs obsessing over food and not having enough energy to workout. Guess which way I'm going to keep heading...

The full soreness I expected never did quite set in, but my legs are still definitely pretty drained, especially the quads. I used the same amount of weight for the squat sets that I have the last few times, but this time I did them slowly and with major attention to form. For clarification purposes, I never fling myself around or anything but I have found counting to two on the positive part of the rep and to four on the negative has really improved the quality of my sets.
These antibiotics I am on (for yet another UTI) make me feel sluggish and start up the litany of excuses in my head about putting off a workout or moving it to another day, which produces the end result of a MISSED workout, not a rescheduled one. Today I even had my gear on including HRM, waiting for the Boy to nap, and yet I still started in with the, "Oh I don't feel so well, I don't think I should be operating anything like this..." before I just got off my ass and went out there and DID IT.
My legs were tired from lifting Tuesday night still, I could feel it pretty badly the first half though my HR was not rising nearly as quickly as it has been, so my cardiovascular fitness has improved definitely. Personal best of 4.7 miles today in 20 minutes and then I did my silly dancing for a bit. I definitely felt a little altered during the workout and twice I got weird pelvic twinges like cramps but a little more heavy duty. Of course I was fine though, and I would have whinged my way out of another chance to improve my health. Nike was right, JUST DO IT sometimes.
On the eating front I'm noticing that I do much better with mindfully tasting and enjoying my food and slowing down when I am alone or with our son. With Husband home or out to eat with him or others, I still am racing through it and eating way too much. This is my next hurdle to really work on, though I do want to give myself a pat on the back for going out to eat to a very yummy place last night and only eating ONE croissant even though two more were just sitting there and my MIL kept urging everyone to eat them. I also ordered a cup of soup and a salad instead of the other not so smart offerings, and here's the real kicker: I ordered it because that is what sounded BEST to me, not because I was punishing myself or denying anything. I knew I could order anything I wanted on that menu and yet the soup and salad was most appealing. I feel like this is a major breakthrough.

Quicksand sucked at my feet, I could feel the initial descent into a loss of motivation to workout, the beginning of The Excuses. "It's too cold, I'm tired, I have no time, I'm sore, I'm depressed..." it goes on this way and I can think of just about any justification though inside no one is fooled.
Sitting on the couch last night with this laptop in my UH LAP (duh) the violence and noise coming from the Husband's favorite show started really irritating me and I jumped up, marched back to our room, and suited up to go lift some heavy metal objects in the garage. Thinking about this now, yes the show irritated me but was I perhaps also internally fed up with my excuses?
As soon as I stepped outside (into the garage) just how DAMN COLD it was hit me and I wanted to turn around but I decided to hop on the elliptical instead and try to get warmed up. It is not that easy to balance on the darn thing and pull your hands inside your sleeves at the same time. STILL COLD, but my five minute warm up was accomplished and I headed to the bench to begin my shoulder press-as soon as I touched the bar I knew my hands were going to get too cold to hold the heavy weights long enough and popped back in to ask for gloves from Husband. He located a thin pair of hunting gloves he actually bought for me (though I don't go with him regularly, not my thing) and my hands were still freezing but I got through the entire workout and yes, I hate to admit it but wearing gloves DID help controlling the heavier dumbbells. I've been against gloves because my hero (Krista) said it defeats the purpose of building your grip, which makes sense but wow did it go more smoothly.
I felt like a giant when I finished up, the squat sets made me feel like puking so I consider it a success. Just starting to get sore, usually I workout towards the morning and the next day when I wake I am in agony but there's about a ten hr delay since this was a night workout. It's starting to set in, and maybe I'm strange but I like it-a tangible reminder that I did well.
Woke up this morning early to go back to school and as soon as I stepped into the bathroom and looked at my belly in the glaring light I felt squishy and fat again and out of control and maybe I should weigh or measure? and maybe I should go back to points and calorie restricting...just for a little while? NO! God, when am I going to stop it? I am in good shape and getting better and the goal is to build muscle not to disappear. I thought about it all through my shower but when I stepped out I gave myself the hairy eyeball and mentally slapped myself back to reality. Stop putting yourself down, stop criticizing, you are not overweight anymore and even if you were there is no reason to be so mean to yourself. I had not realized how often I thought dummy or dumbass or you name it until just recently. I ignored all the "love yourself" talk, certain it wasn't for me and that I didn't do that. Surprise, surprise.
After I dressed and walked into the kitchen to make coffee I saw the snow outside and sure enough, checking my school's website showed cancelled classes for me and the local ISD too, so no school for junior. He is napping and I could be on the elliptical right now but it is really cold after all, and I should rest after lifting, and I hear there might be solar flares, and it's not the right moon cycle...

Exercise has not been accomplished since Sunday but the day is not over and if it ends without me deliberately moving my ass I won't beat myself up-food is on the upswing. It only took a few days for me to stop eating mindfully without putting a lot of effort towards it, so today the effort has returned. I don't feel hungry as easily, I get full faster (or at least process the feeling) and the textures and flavors in my food seem so much richer. I now know this is how I want to live my life, not counting points, or charting calories, or examining macro nutrients intensely. If that is what works for others and they don't mind living their life that way FOR ETERNITY that is fine. I know it is just a groovy part of life for plenty of people but it really caused me to burn out after doing it for the last several years. Finding a good balance between rest and workouts is my current issue to work on, added to by remembering to eat mindfully. I really do make good choices when I am involved in the process instead of acting like a human hoover, shoveling it down the hatch as quickly as possible.
Today I have eaten weight control oatmeal because I am trying to finish the box and it just sounded good, added a mini box of raisins and drank my cup and a half of coffee. It's Yuban brand, a coffee growing co-op (smaller op) and I think it's cool to try and help out the smaller people instead of fueling the larger corporations. Not that I do this consistently but hey, the coffee is pretty darned good. Anyway, then for lunch I had a salad with: roasted cauliflower, broccoli, and yellow squash, grilled leeks, a sprinkle of walnuts and low fat feta cheese, olives, and a homemade dressing of a touch of olive oil, lemon juice and balsamic vinegar. It was good and I thought it would be a filler to lessen the taco soup portion to follow but it ended up being plenty on it's own. I just ate the taco soup (more like a chili, not very soupy) and I am completely stuffed because I slowed down and thought about it the whole time and took pauses. Yesterday I ate a little bit more of it even as a portion and when I finished eating it quickly and without thought I sat there deliberating over whether I should go get more.
Last week's vegetable of the week was leeks, which I grilled as I mentioned above, and this week it is cabbage. I'm trying to find a recipe that really appeals to me online but so far nothing is just knocking my socks off, if there's anyone out there and you want to share one, please do.
Each day is a challenge, luckily I am up for it.

Today is one of those days when it all feels like such hard going. My calories are going to be high because I have to go out to eat for dinner even though I would rather not and my desire to no longer care about that is flopping about on the floor, gasping for air. No workout this morning despite laying out my mat and other gear, popping the dvd in the player ahead of time, everything. I just could not get up this morning and have sat on the couch all day being a sad sap. The truth of the matter is, back to school Wednesday, for more chemistry that I am terrified of because last semester was so fricking horrible and my little guy starts Mother's Day out for the first time on that same day. I want to cry.
My stomach is still mysteriously fairly flat despite the slackened hold on the reins and yet I am a paranoid mess that is sure I will put all the weight back on and more. I have never felt so much fear about this even though I know I need to let go and just be NICE TO MYSELF. Why is is so hard, I'm a likeable sort.

So I read just a bit of the beginning of DG's journey, and after eating a venison/jalapeño sandwich I went and hopped on the elliptical for a gut busting 20 minutes. If the question was, "Is this going to hurt if I do cardio immediately after eating? then the answer is I got a stitch with 8 minutes to go but I powered through and went the distance. Not only did I finish, but a new personal best of 4.5 miles in 20 minutes (previously 4.4) and the workout went faster than it has ever before I think. I was done a whole song and a half before I usually am which means I didn't take nearly as many breaks to catch my breath and calm my heart rate down-in short MORE FIT! Yay! Another question answered is what happens if my HRM says 190? I feel like puking, that's what, but at least with the knowledge of where it is at I can tone it down immediately instead of telling myself I'm being a wimp and to push on when in reality, not a good idea.
Midsection is squidgy again after not eating so great the last few days and drinking da beers, but I am back on track.
Oh, and while doing the end of my workout I could not help but dance on the elliptical, then when its buzzer chimed I hopped off and danced like a crazy woman for probably another ten minutes, I just felt so alive and happy and the music was excellent. The songs that really made me move my butt today:

Gone Daddy Gone-Gnarls Barkley
Ooh La La-Goldfrapp
Rock the Casbah-The Clash
Such Great Heights-The Postal Service

Unexpected visit from in-laws, tired 18 month old, and a desperately needed trip to the grocery store despite the torrential downpour and borderline freezing temps all mean I have to put it in high gear, just wanted to update that my mood is swinging around like a chimp on a chandelier.

I'm starting to flail around already. That wonderful elusive feeling I had finally settled into has really lived up to its descriptor. I wish I had some inspiration to read, I may have to go back and re-read someone's archives, so if you notice a lot of hits and wonder who is stalking you, it's just me.

Last night I drank too much and went out to eat even though we had food already cooked here at home. Good choices? No. The day went poorly, rainy and cold with a dash of depression over my grandma. Maybe I need to fall back on counting my food when I have a day like that because my good choice maker seems to be broken at those times. I don't know, we'll see.
My planned workout for today is not happening because I feel so bad from the beer and subsequent broken sleep. It probably wasn't a good idea to schedule anything the day after a lifting day, I woke up with my upper body in serious DOMS, it's usually my lower body that is sore but apparently I finally hit my upper as hard as I should and my limited abilities to really lift heavy here at home without a spotter didn't do enoughfor my lower.
I think I will start going back to the gym once or twice a week so I can really push to lift as heavy as I need to see progress.
I've progressed to doing my push-ups off the weight bench instead of the higher trailer. I think I mentioned I can do them on the floor now but not many and not with good form so I think I'll continue on the weight bench until that becomes too easy and then we'll see what I find next or if I go straight to the floor. I don't think my pecs have ever been this sore.
Today should be interesting, mild hangover while taking care of our child and then going to a three yr old's birthday party, by myself with no help from the Husband who is off duck hunting for the weekend.

My first bumps in the road cropped up yesterday. I woke up sore all over and the previous days thoughts of, "Yoga is awesome!" shifted to, "Fucking yoga." I decided to reset the alarm and have a rest day, and yet...when I got up I realized that it was mainly my lats that were sore from all the plank, upward dog and push up positions, and I could have in fact done my cardio. At least I think I could have and there must be something to beat myself up about right? I fell off my happy self esteem summit yesterday but I'm scrabbling back to the top today.
Let's review: What made me have a not so great day? I skipped my planned workout because of perceived severe soreness while still laying in the bed, never a good idea. I should have at least gotten up to hit the loo or something and then reassessed. A big part of my new lifestyle is resting when my body is telling me I need it, something I tend to ignore usually and then I crash and burn. So I don't think it was a total loss, just a learning experience. No workout started the day badly and then: I didn't really try and balance my meals that well, ate mindlessly several times, and then proceeded to eat a salty dinner, which was followed by a trip to Br@ums for a peanut butter cup mix. I do not think the ice cream was a misstep in itself, I only wanted a few bites and that is all I had before giving it over to the Husband, but the chocolate tasted waxy to me and really wasn't worth it. The salty food was a reaction to drinking too MUCH water yesterday, I think I got low on sodium and then overcompensated, should have stopped drinking water when I started feeling funny.
Then there was the biggie: measuring myself when I had decided not to do so anymore, until I can get my head straight. I also stepped on the scale this morning, another no-no. Is that being good to me? No. I am still not at a point where I can detach from numbers that should mean nothing when my clothes are fitting fine and I feel good.
This morning I got up, did a full body free weights workout (my arms are shaky still typing this, good sign) and then came in and cooked myself oatmeal and an egg white omelette. I am back on track taking care of me and I am good enough, not lazy, not a failure, and not doing damage to myself.
Gap jeans that were super tight last time I tried them on fit easily this morning, take that inner naysayer!

New to me veggie of the week: Leeks. Inspired by a recipe in the new grill cookbook we got at Christmas, and then reading about a soup with leeks on a friend's page, led me to buy a bundle of leeks this week as part of my new effort to try veggies either in different ways or different veggies all together. I grilled the leeks as suggested and they turned out really well and immediately make me think of egg rolls when I bite into them without the added bad business of MSG, grease, or sodium. I can definitely see eating them again chopped up into some type of Asian inspired dish. Another big deal about this is that I actually followed a recipe out of a book that we own. I'm not sure what my hangup is, but I get overwhelmed when reading recipes and usually shut the book and never try anything. I have many lovely cookbooks that I have never used in the years that I have owned them. Online is different somehow, I've done recipes from various googlings, but not the books. So, new veggie: check and cooking from a recipe book: check.
Also, even though my back is really sore from yoga yesterday, I tried doing regular push-ups and even though my form was probably not great, I did it-three in fact before I told myself I wasn't doing it properly, or it was a fluke. More of the negative self talk I am sorting out-even now I'm sort of leery of stating that I can do a push-up, because if I state it I am either boasting (bad) or it won't be true next time I try (bad). I crumpled and got out my measuring tape halfway through the day-measurements are up except thighs and I know it is from bloating, I've had issues all day that aren't worth mentioning. I am not letting it get me down, but I am bummed a bit that I got the damn tape out at all. This is what I'm trying to break myself of, I even let some pts counting sneak in before I caught myself earlier. None of this! Grrr.
I bought some nice lined black velvet pants form Ann Taylor over the holidays, size 8, last pair they had, marked down from $98 to $19.99. Over the last week or so worry would periodically crop up that, "Oh sure you're all happy and free now but you won't be able to wear those pants you got that you were so excited about now, good going." Guess what? Pants fit better than when I bought them, so shut up negativity.
Thoughts are too jumbled, I have so much to say bouncing around but I am never satisfied with how it comes out here, perfectionism maybe.

I rolled out of bed this morning and tried to convince myself that I could skip practicing yoga, I needed more sleep, I would do it later. After staring blearily into the mirror for a few minutes I started putting my workout clothes on and even had the heart rate monitor strap around my chest, fumbling for the watch that goes with it, when my husband asked, "What exactly are you doing honey?"

"I'm getting ready to go do yoga..." I answered. "It's two in the morning." "No it's not, it's six." After checking my watch with the light up screen feature I realized I had four more hrs to sleep and I'm not sure what the hell happened, but PAT ON THE BACK for me because I was getting up on 3 hrs of sleep determined to practice yoga. No wonder I felt so tired during my self convincing speech.

At 6 o'clock I got right out of bed, after all-6 was nothing after getting up at 2 (I normally roll out of bed around 9 so this is a big deal for me) and I put my gear back on and proceeded to do an hr of power yoga. For the curious, 400 calories burned for an hr of the yoga tape I love (this is including warm up and cool down). I have wondered what kind of expenditure I could expect from doing that dvd and now I know and I am such a dork but I love my heart rate monitor. And if you think it is in inaccurate, please don't tell me. I think it really is accurate because of how exhausted I am afterwards, the shakiness of my entire body and how hard I can feel my heart beating during hard poses. Plus, Rodney Yee loves going through vinyasa or sun salutations.

I cannot believe I have been awake since 6, worked out for an hr, showered and dressed by 8:30, and enrolled our son in MDO for Wednesdays. He's already signed up for M-F at another location and I think he is going to love it. Mama will be the one crying I am sure, but there is no other way and I know it will be good for him. Organic Chem happens to be only available during the day unless I want to take the insanely hard class. Not so much.

I feel so good, so free. Letting go of this strange desire to in essence, disappear or make myself smaller, has lightened my heart. I am sure I will have scared moments with letting go this control I've had the last several years. The planning and scrutinizing of food, of calories, of me. I ate some 2% cottage cheese earlier and was happy in not measuring it-I didn't even measure with cups and such like some people do and yet not even mentally measuring was good, I just thought, "How much would I like to have, would fill me up?" The thing is, without FOOD being suck a focus it has lost its power. I've probably eaten LESS today than I would if I was trying to not eat much, sort of the Margaret Cho diet, or the Frenchies don't get fat idea. Don't get me wrong, I don't think I can magically stop worrying about it and not gain weight and keep on getting leaner. My focus now is TRULY (like I have claimed several times) on getting stronger and adding muscle and healing my mental weirdness-my self developed eating disorders. I am not part of that anymore and I like myself more each day and I am startled to see how dangerously thin a lot of women on teevee are today. Watching Las Vegas the other night kinda threw me for a loop with the visible rib cages and angular faces. Anyway, I took the pictures at top to put on my sparkpage and liked both of them, and was able to SEE the shape to my arms and shoulders and they just made me happy and I wanted to share.
I'm just so damn happy, I think I've met someone new-myself.

I happened to click on one of the top points leaders on sparkpeople and read that she enters all her exercise in ahead of time for the week. Seems like an insignificant thing right? Well I decided to try it myself as it connected for me that several of the most successful people I've read do just that, even if it's not in spark. Two of my preplanned workouts have already been checked off and I am feeling very optimistic and confident that I can keep up with things and be so much happier.
Many times have I said to myself and others that I won't count pts or calories anymore, and then I go back to it. It's scary, it means letting go some and actually trusting myself to make good nutritional decisions. How am I ever going to be a good nutritionist for others if I can't do this myself, for myself? It feels wonderful so far: I am following a BFL/GI Diet way of eating but that is purely because I think it's the best "no counting" way of eating for good health/fitness. Don't get me wrong, I still want to get in even better shape but I am also working on accepting myself as I am now. Negative self talk has really crept in over the past 4-5 yrs of dieting. I am done with dieting, it has turned me into this stress monkey control freak that is perpetually unhappy with my body. I always had a good attitude about myself before, regardless of size or shape and I want that thinking back. It's a chain reaction: I stress about food, I snap at my loved ones (which affects my marriage and friendships), I'm never happy with anything (or anyone), and no matter how far I go it's not enough. Well, I AM good enough and it's time to put up or shut up.
Yesterday we walked so long that my feet finally hurt and my legs were tired-the DMA has a Van Gogh exhibit which ends today and we tried to visit that but the line was 2 hrs long and with a baby that does not compute. So we walked through downtown Dallas over to the World Aquarium, which has been redone and is even better now, and then went back to the car and drove to Cuba Libre for dinner. It's Cuban/S. American food and delicious. They make frozen mojitos and excellent jerked steak tacos, and we tried dungenouss crab flautas for appetizers. Wow, and I enjoyed it guilt free, along with a few Coronas with lime at home and an ill advised Cosmo. Don't worry, hubby hardly drank at all, we don't believe in being smashed at the same time with our baby in the house, some of our friends do that and it worries me. Anyway, I drank lots of water and took some Alleve and slept a good 10-11 hrs. Full body workout accomplished when the baby took his nap and I am still shaky and feel wonderful. A combination of static contractions and negative reps really took care of business.
This is all over the place and not well written but I'm afraid this loud ass keyboard is going to wake the Boy. Hopefully I'll be able to explain this better to myself and to anyone that may pass by-ACK, I knew this keyboard was too loud.

We've been to the grocery and I feel in control again and like this is not a problem. What an amazing difference it makes being prepared and having the right tools to achieve such seemingly impossible goals. If you try and go about half assed then you are just asking for heartache and trouble.

Note the fresh fruits (Fuji apples are hiding under the clementines), full veggie drawer, and my water glass and baby carrots I'm currently munching. The pink/brown notebook is where I write my food, water, exercise, and what I'm grateful for that day. I'd let that fall by the wayside as well. Coincidence?

Last night went downhill in a hurry, in fact the sled must have been greased up with Crisco it went so quickly. I ate waaay too much after doing pretty well all day and ended up sitting on the couch feeling sorry for myself. Sparkpeople, my new best friend, says I can eat in the 1375-1700 calorie range, well according to my calculations I ate 1685, but you know that no matter how much you try your count can be off and I'm not going to get that crazy anyway. Back up the pound I had lost from that excrutiatingly hard day. I like to weigh daily so I feel like I'm in control, which may sound horrible to a lot of people but it's how my mind works. My mother says it's not our fault that we're bossy and controlling, we come from a long line of teachers. I am choosing to adopt that theory. So, I realize that weight is not real, but the longer I dither about with getting rid of the holiday pounds, the more real they become. Ever notice that? If you gain some weight that you KNOW is just bloating/water weight and immediately bust ass to get rid of it, it's not that hard...but if you let it hang around and then bounce up and down it becomes real poundage and takes forever. At least that's the way it is for me.
I had a real whingefest last night. Why can't I just be naturally thin? Most of the thin women I know/meet do confess to not doing much to get or stay that way and it flat out pisses me off. I am not fat at this point, I realize this, but it makes me angry that I have to work really hard to have a decent body-not even a great one like I want.
That type of thinking is counter productive and I know it, like I said it was a major pity party for one. I'm past that and determined to kick some ass again. That means grocery shopping as soon as I'm showered and dressed. Yes I blew it off last night and now have to drag the schweet babie out into the cold and wet to go this morning, but he likes to go on outings and I don't forsee any others today.
So: grocery shopping, tracking what I eat but not worrying about calories in such detail, and either elliptical, yoga, or weight training. The elements of success are here and I know them well, just have to get in gear.
On an aside though: I have been exhausted upon waking every day for at least the past two weeks and today I feel recharged somewhat. Time to wear myself out!

ACK! I can't comment on my own darn blog, but LME thanks for the note and I looked up Fresh Direct but unfortunately it's only in the NYC area for now. Other companies also seem to only service areas like NYC and Chicago, at least none in DFW that I have found yet.
I roasted a pan of frozen green beans and have eaten almost the whole thing. I decided to see how that might taste as every other veggie I've tried that way has been great-green beans are no exception. They get really dried out but I'm not into squishy veggies anyway. I have to find more ways that I can enjoy veggie besides raw and roasted-I pretty much hate steamed unless it's edamame.
The tree has come down, been thrown in its box, and all the other decorations put away. This season has probably been THE most stressful I've had in years and I was so close to feeling the "magic" again like I did years ago as a kid. All of the obligations and "must do" type things squased it for me though-hanging with the in-laws does that to me. They are super wonderful people, caring, generous, good intentioned, and yet there is so much pressure when you're around them. Not to mention I have yet to actually stick with healthy habits during extended visits. I did workout twice this time but that really wasn't enough. I should have been doing that every day and not drinking wine every night and eating all the munchies and general crap I always end up consuming with them. ANYway, roasted about 3 cups of green beans and ate about 2 of that...geez. Overeater much? Hopefully I can get the grocery shopping done once my husband gets home but I may blow it off again, 'cause that's productive right? I have to go, not having the right options at home makes me eat poorly and I know this.
Things I have read recently: High Intensity Trainig-Arthur Jones method and GI Diet-Glycemic Index Diet. I ought to write a post about those, hmm?

Swimming through molasses-best description I can think of at the moment, and remember I have syrup coating my brain. I didn't fall face first into the sweets, at least not as badly as I could have-there did happen to be quite a few white chocolate peppermint incidents but I've moved past that.
Yesterday was my first official "good" day in the past week, and it felt horribly difficult. My appetite rampages out of control and the fuck it attitude reigns supreme. Or at least it did, but today feels relatively easy-amazing how that first day tends to be the hardest. We need to visit the grocery something awful, but I feel so terribly exhausted that making the list and lugging the Boy around just sounds toooo haaaaard. Meh, I'll suck it up and do my adult responsible things 'cause that's the way the world works.
Got my Pol@r heart rate monitor/watch and it's really inspired me. I have all the tools, just gotta shake off the quicksand. Happy New Year! I wish I had that fresh start feeling, continuing the same thing after 3-4 years just feels old, not exciting.

I was making so much progress, Sunday night I got so many comments about how much I had changed/improved physically and then I proceeded to eat like total crap since then. Sigh. Back to basics.

The final countdown to Christmas has arrived, I did a cardio workout this morning on our elliptical trainer and I have busted my ass for days now getting the house as pefectly clean as I can. I am exhausted. My weight is acting crazy so I am ignoring it for the moment, my plan is to minimize the non nutritious eating and drinking and to keep up with my workouts. I'm too tired to post a well thought out informative entry but have recently read a fascinating book on weight lifting and am excited to see what happens. Blargh-tiiiiired.

No workout yesterday, I am drowning in my own fatigue over here. Also, even though still eating low calorie I went back up half a pound-I realize that's not the end of the world, but if the scale is not going down the least it can do is stay the same. I know what I need to do, mainly exercise, I just have to dig deep and find the energy. I wish I had that burst back that I had last week, I had to force myself to just straighten up around the house last night and that made me feel so tired and I went to bed early even though I got up late. Weird.

The level of ass kicking equates directly to how often I update. Logging in today and noticing that I did not update the last two days makes me stop and wonder, "Did I not update because the scale has stayed the same for the last three days and I have done no intentional exercise?" or, "Did my lack of updating affect the amount of effort?"
A chicken/egg situation if you will-do I lose my mojo and then stop writing, or do I stop writing and then lose my mojo?
I'm doing my best to just get through today, either yoga or elliptical tonight, food will be on track though I am wanting to eat all day. I've been sitting on the edge of "new territory" scale wise for three days now and it's just not going over...gotta make that extra push.

My back has received the short end of the stick lately. A fearsome ache started building momentum hours ago and has achieved full roar by now. I stuck to my guns yesterday regarding nutrition/fitness, even after going to one of my favorite restaurants and I did NOT feel deprived with my choice. I ordered the halibut fish tacos and had 3 small bites of two different desserts (thats three total, not three each.) I then started hankering for red wine, but decided against it because I tasted the dessert, one sugar should be sufficient. I have a vague plan that if I want dessert I won't eat bread or drink-interchange those key words in the sentence, rinse repeat. The familiar litany of, "I'll just take a rest day today, my body aches" started up this morning, but I still worked fairly hard in the front yard for a little over an hour instead. I then had my best friend over to make handmade ornaments for presents and still did not eat out of plan. The scale flashed up yesterday's weight again this morning, first stall since getting my act together this time, just like I thought it would (sidenote: I ate restaurant food and expected even a tiny gain though I was very reasonable in my choice, so a maintain did not disappoint.)
I can't wait to see what tomorrow holds, happiness has returned since those horrible classes ended.

The Fates seemed to be against me this morning-the Boy would not take a nap, my yoga dvd would not register in the player, and Christmas decoration boxes are stacked up at the end of my weight bench where I normally stand to do overhead shoulder presses with the barbell. However, I persevered-5 minute warm up on the elliptical trainer, then a full body workout as follows:1 set overhead shoulder press, seated instead of standing (to avoid the problem of perhaps twisting my knees trying to stand and straddle the bench), set of walking lunges on each side holding 18 lbs (maybe more, this is from memory), another set of presses, set of deadlifts holding dumbbells, inclined pushups off the side of the trailer, then flys done on the weight bench. Tedious typing this out? You betcha! Okay, then more walking lunges, same as before, then lots more pushups but off the weight bench this time so much harder (much closer to being horizontal), tricep push over my head, then finished up with calf raises.
THEN. I came inside and did some stretching on my mat: down dog, plank, reclined relaxation, some spinal twists, and some hamstring/glute stretches. Oh and some pilates ab work.
Wow this is probably the most poorly constructed entry ever, but I don't care at the moment-my arms are hurting holding my arms up to TYPE because I was such a badass this morning. I forgot about the backbreaking yard work last night and this morning too, only 20 minutes total, but still a good extra effort.
I have dropped 4 lbs since Monday so something must be going right. Like I said, now I'm at 145.5 so it should be intersting what happens next since the "fake" lbs are gone.
Going to an Egyptian exhibit today at the Kimball and then hopefully finishing up all my gift wrapping tonight.

Exhausted today, back aching and eyes heavy-I should be engaging in my yoga practice right this minute as the baby sleeps and yet I feel too hungry to do so. Have I gotten off my ass and actually made something to eat? No. Last night marked the last final of this semester and so I am actually free today, but I know it will take awhile for it to sink in and the stress to melt away a bit. I had to ask my husband to roll blue star emu crap on my back last night it hurt so much, and then on the way to the grocery this morning it hurt badly in the car. The thing that passes as interesting here, is this is all from studying, and I know that yoga would HELP, but that may have to wait until later. I am not falling off the horse, just trying to get sorted.
Sparkpeople rocks! Or at least so far it looks amazing, yet I feel too mentally fatigued to play with it much at this point. I am excited at the prospect of maybe finding some people to bike/walk with in the DFW area, I have a great bicycle that I have hardly used because it is really not safe to go alone around here, though I have done so a few times (nervous the whole time that something would happen). Maybe I just need a pistol holster mounted somewhere, ha! Then I would fall down and shoot myself and no one would find my deserted body before the rabid squirrels got to me.
Back to 146 this morning, started the week at 149.5, so obviously this consists of water weight, or maybe these same pounds that keep ponging around come off easier? When it gets to 145-145.5 I know it will stick for awhile, maybe go down a pound, and then that happens to be the number that I self sabatage ever single time. I've lost nearly 30 lbs AGAIN, and yet this last 10-15 keeps digging in for the long haul. So annoying.
Reading about compulsive eating and trigger foods has really hit home for me, and I am no longer going to put myself in positions that are setup for failure. I don't know I throw myself in with things I KNOW I have a hard time limiting/experiencing wisely and then berating myself for this "weakness". What the hell? Do I like feeling badly? That's rhetorical but I'll answer anyway, "No!" I hate to restrict anyone around me but I told Hubby he may just have to eat pizza with other people and he didn't batt an eye and just said, "Okay." Boy, that was sooo hard, right? Ugh. Okay, pizza, specialty breads, casserole type dishes, chili, chips, goldfish, cookies (esp. cookies), and alcohol to name a few-just get.to.me. Enough is enough, maybe that will be fine for once a week during maintainence, but I am not where I want to be and behaving as though I am only gets me stuck here longer. Healthy habits, healthy lifestyle, and giving myself a break by not constantly going on this crazy for me only show of "Temptation Food Island."

Every muscle in my body aches, or at least it seems that way to me this morning. Rodney Yee's Total Body Power Yoga should definitely be considered a strength building program in addition to flexibility training. Walking the halls of my college Tuesday night at a rather quick pace found me somewhat short of breath and in turn, scared. No reason exists for someone of my age and previous (short time ago) fitness level, to be regressing so far to the land of huff n' puff.
One last final exam tonight and then I'm free, to do what I want, any old tiiiiiime. Well if you are not counting the constant time constraints and responsibilities of being Moe-ma.
The scale inches downward again, I've done three intentional workouts this week and am feeling in control once more. Here's to breaking that "low" and blasting through to the other side.

Just a quickie: Eating is still somewhat off track but I worked out again a bit ago after a much too long break and I am feeling sort of high. Finals this week, then I am kicking some major ass, mine to be specific.
I have a sick baby to attend to, but there is so much to say. Be back soon hopefully.

I haven't stopped wanting to write or gone off the deep end either, I am just insanely busy with school work. I'll probably get a chance to update this weekend...I'm still reading and silently (for now) supporting.

After losing down to my all time low again, I have promptyl gone back up to a whole nother set of numbers and must start over. PHOOEY. No worries, I was sick when I lost to the low but I believe it was not a dehydration state, but merely because food didn't sound that good to me and I ate tons of soup, drank no milk, and basically south beached it in a good calorie range. All I need to do now is halt the free for all and eat all south beachy again and ta da! Or at least this is my hope, I may get more than I bargained for since our son has thrown up today, had disgusting diapers, and my husband and I are both feeling nauseated. I feel extremely tired too, and from what I can tell my little crew feels the same way.
Thanksgiving went well though I ate too much, the food wasn't even all that spectacular, but I ate too much anyway. I can thank red wine for that I'm sure.
So, crappy post-but I wanted to check in.

My back decided to cooperate and heal fairly quickly, but I have been MIA because I am sick as a dog. I am not sure why dog sickness is a measuring stick for severity, but by God, dogs get sick. I am no so ill indeed that I had to scrap my plans of working in Tulsa this weekend and flying home Sunday, and instead am sitting here alone, sick, and slightly crazed with cold meds. I was finally ready to quit mincing about, ready to start taking care of my health right and proper...but that seems to be the way it goes. I'm constantly in a phase associted with kicking of ass and taking of names, or in a phase that would promote fear of salt being sprinkled from above (slug like, get it?). Sigh.
Did I mention cold meds? Yeah.

My back, it is tweaked, and this, it makes me angry-a bit.

Weight going back down slowly despite all of the interferences, don't know what today will hold since it hurts to walk around, and that is not usually helpful when trying to exercise.

What a long day...still dealing with various aspects of my grandmother's diagnosis. We have yet to get any hard cold facts-they are not in any hurry to get a biopsy scheduled, which leads us to think they know it's late stages, but even so would you not want to make her as comfortable as possible for as long as she has left? She is in pain and I am helpless, we're all helpless.
I woke up this morning with renewed purpose and determination to stop screwing around with my health, and yet I still did not eat as cleanly as I would have liked and did no exercise. Sigh. Maybe tomorrow? Each day seems to be derailed by one thing and then I think, "Well I might as well eat this, drink that, have a smoke-I'll restart tomorrow." BAH. That is not a winning attitude, that is the type of thinking that lands me gaining weight and/or maintaining.
I will forge ahead, I have to take control of something.

Bad Mood Blues.

I drank a monster drink and ate a small handful of white corn chips after writing my post about eating so cleanly, go me, etc.
Ah well. PMS , she is a bitch.
Also fighting myself about a workout today, where's the easy button?

Victories so far on Common Sense Plan:

• I resisted the urge to weigh myself even though it has only been two days. Weighing constantly and shooting up and down in mood because of it is NOT common sense. It is crazy, and afflicts many people including myself. We all know it is bad to feel negatively towards yourself because of a number changing by half a pound, etc. but I think it is detrimental to feel GOOD because of the same thing too. I'm trying to focus more on feeling good that I ate only nutritious foods, or I exercised and blessed my heart and lungs. It is very hard to think this way personally, that angle has always been part of this whole weight loss/fitness thing, but I'm an honest person and vanity has taken precendence. Vanity and pride, not really good things to make friends with on a daily basis for years. Pride comes into play because I always try to be the best at any thing I do, even though I sort of hate that quality sometimes, and I especially wanted to prove I could lose the weight after having our son.
• I HAVE eaten only nutritious whole foods, no diet drinks or goldfish crackers, Halloween candy, or tortilla chips. I am very proud of this because I had definitely slipped up as far as that is concerned. I think I had landed in crappy food land due to focusing so much on points/calories and dropping scale weight. It is not impossible to do that and stay true to what is actually good for your body, but it is hard for me.
• I have gotten in two really good workouts so far and am feeling like I can get back in a groove. Treading lightly is the name of the game at this point so I don't stress out and drop it altogether again. Any movement is good for me, and I am striving to really believe that-it is working I think. Yesterday was an hr of power yoga (I am so SORE today) and today was 20 min of elliptical training at a speed that kept my heart rate at target or a bit over the whole time. 4.5 miles.

• Some of my friends have secretly planned a girlie night this Friday, partially to cheer me up about my grandma's health situation. I requested that we make something healthy for me to eat and also piped up and stated my no alcohol/smoking policy. I always feel like a huge tool when I say anything to my friends/family in that area, but it needed to be said and I'm glad that I did. Why should I feel apologetic and lousy that I am trying to be the best me possibly?

So anyway, good things are happening, I am super tired as usual and think I may go have a lie down for a bit before my little buddy wakes up and needs some Mama time before I leave for school. Here's hoping for a tiny nap.

I've hit upon a "plan" of sorts that I am ready for, I would even say craving, after the last few weeks of sloth and unhealthy eating. Weighed in this morning and am up to 148.5, I was hanging around 145.5 so as I said, no big damage done there but my MENTAL state is damanged and crying out for help.
I'm going whole hog, cutting out alcohol, smoking, desserts, extraneous carbs like chips and goldfish crackers, green tea with artificial sweeteners, frozen dinners, CRAP FOOD, etc. etc. forever and ever Amen. Okay maybe just until Christmas, but the point is no empty nutrition, watching portion sizes, and I am excited. Leniancy and "relaxation" has morphed into acting like I have forgotten all I've learned about eating not only for weight loss, but for life.

My grandmother has cancer and it has scared me in the biggest baddest way possible. I am living for a lifetime again, not just the moment.

I plan on easing back into exercise by going back to yoga. I felt the best when I was just doing that three times a week and once you find what works for you, it makes no sense to stop. That's the plan-go back to what makes sense.

We found out my most beloved relative, my grandmother, has late stages breast cancer that has more than likely mestasized into her bones. Eating is rubbish, no exercise for weeks. I feel that I'm on the verge of coming to my senses, but for now I'm walking around in a fog and my brain feels dusty. I can't be bothered with doing anything good for myself, though I make progress each day in returning to my former habits, habits that I have held for YEARS now that seem to have disappeared overnight. So far I haven't gained more than 3-5 lbs, depending on what day it is, so I remain physically unscathed, but mentally wounded. Boo.