In about six hours I have roughly 25 people descending on our house, and I INVITED THEM. WTF was I thinking? Still some cleaning that needs to be done and of course the massive amounts of food and balloons and I have to make The Cake.
Our little guy turns two tomorrow and I'll try and write an entry relevant to that then. Yesterday morning, despite wading through a cheerleader convention that took up the all of the parking, and having to endure their grating "cheering", I made it in to the gym and lifted there for the first time. I got to use a squat rack, something new for me, and that must surely be why my legs hate me today and I have slowly lower and raise myself from the toilet. You wanted to know.
I hurt all over today, thanks to the reunion with my beloved assisted pull-up/dip machine (combined with all the other moves) my upper body is in bad shape today too. Just what I needed when trying to get ready for a big party! I'm happy, don't get me wrong.
I also tried the waterfall pool after lifting, its about a foot deep with waterfalls at one end-designed for sunbathing. Of course after laying out for 20 minutes I became convinced that skin cancer was sprouting on my shoulders, so that may be used sporadically. It was very relaxing though, I felt like I was on vacation and I sense this could be something I can use for stress management, not to mention there are family hours that we can bring our little sweetie.

I did go swim yesterday in the lap pool, and yes it was a comedic disaster actually getting to the pool. I had anxiety about not knowing exactly where to go, how to act, what to do and oh my God I might do something wrong and other people would see me! Ack! <-------get over it, honey.
I decided to ask the front desk guy, despite it making me squirmy to do so, if there was anything special I needed to know-did they have towels or should I bring one, was their a locker room in the pool area, etc. I had seen doors on the other side of the glass with the different locker room designations so I thought maybe they had locker room areas over there as well. He said no they didn't and to just wrap my towel around me if it bothered me and they had towels for 25 cents but to bring my own if I wanted in case. I specifically told him I was there to swim and he waved me on through with nary a mention that the DAMN POOL WAS NOT OPEN FOR ANOTHER HOUR.
Yes, I changed out, took a shower so I was now WET in my bathing suit, walked out through the front entry of the locker room right in front of all the cardio bunnies and meat heads only to walk up to the glass doors that surprisingly did NOT OPEN. There is something about trying to open a door that is locked that embarrasses me in a big way. I them hear someone say, "What's that girl doing in a bathing suit..." right before I read the hours sign for the fifth time to finally see that on weekends it opens at ten but during the week its closed 'till 11:30. It was 10:45 by that time, I turned and walked quickly back to the locker room while my mind whirled crazily. There was an entrance to the pool directly from the locker room, which I had tried and finding it locked concluded, "This must be why the front desk guy did not mention this door, they must not use it" before I walked out to do my walk of shame. I had reasoned that surely he would have mentioned the pool was not open, but that's what I get for assuming things. It makes an ass out of me and me.

I've never had good luck with combination locks and this was no exception. I am standing there dripping and embarrassed (though that was lessening, who gives a flip what those people think) and struggling with the damned thing for quite a while before I got it open. Put my clothes back on and even though I was wearing sandals I decided to go upstairs and walk on the indoor track. So I walked a mile, stretched a bit, and then was able to change back out and go through the previously locked door.
The sign on the wall said there were five lanes, 5 being the slowest swimmers and yet there was no designation of what was what. I had to get the lifeguard's attention which was sort of hard to do since he was busy staring outside acting bored while simultaneously thinking about how HOTT he finds himself. After he said no one pays attention to that I just did my thing and swam for thirty minutes, pretty much constantly. I did ten laps, twenty lengths, or 500 meters-whatever you want to call it. My neck was killing me since I was keeping my face out of the water the whole time (no goggles or anything) but I really liked it and plan on buying some gear to make it more fun. Goggles and probably the weird little nose clip thingie, I want to go underwater a lot more, that was always what I liked about swimming when I was a kid-going underwater and doing as many flips as possible. It made me feel like a mermaid or a dolphin-I always had a good imagination.

No workout today, I had planned on lifting but I'm incredibly fatigued today and feeling crappy from something that was in my sushi last night-must have been msg I think. My finger joints and wrists are swollen and the skull sinus on the back of my head hurts. Damn it's already 4 and this house is still a wreck. I have 18-20 people coming over here and I am no where near ready. At least I bought the cake mix and other stuff for it, gotta have priorities and I only get to eat this cake once a year when I make it myself. I'll have to post the recipe, it is beyond delicious.

I'll actually post later about my swimming experience, but for now just an fyi I answered comments in the comment section. I wish there was an easier way, that's my one complaint about blogspot. Livejournal has a great commenting system.

Today must be a rest day, I am "tore up from the floor up" as the saying goes. I am just exhausted and my body is being held together with string, not to mention I'm still having random female trouble and that doesn't mix with today's activity.
I packed my bag last night so I had full intentions but it is just not to be today. I think I'll go to school and then come home and take a nap. This house has to be clean by Sunday (little guy's 2nd birthday party) and someone has to do it. It's never a full blown sty but it sure can look like it with toys and Hubby detritus everywhere.

Hit the gym again today, this time I did 15 minutes on the stair master (and of course my left knee started complaining), then 16 on the elliptical but this one was different than what I am used to and I really liked it, felt like I was doing a combo of bouncing /dancing which is why I went on past the 15 minute mark a bit and had to tell myself to stop.
My legs don't even want to go on at this point, the white flag is up and waving frantically back and forth. Tomorrow, I swim laps.
I have never been in a lap pool and also I had to go buy a bathing suit that would not have my bosomy area popping out left and right. Wow, one piece bathing suits are really unflattering, especially ones made for sporty type stuff. Kada, they were all racer back style and I did not like it either! I remembered your post on it. Also I wear anything from a 4-8 now and I had to get a size 14 to fit. WTF? Whatever, as long as I can swim in it and not have my ass showing through the material or boobage popping out, I will call it good. I plan on swimming tomorrow and then we shall see what's next. The waterfall pool is going to get a visit too but it's just to lay around and be lazy in, not for SERIOUS BUSINESS.
Did I mention I don't know how to swim "properly"? This should be good. Yep.
Saw two girls actually using free weights today. The first was doing bicep curls (meh, though I am not totally snobby about that like some people I've read) and the second was doing Bulgarian split squats. Progress I think, I'm a bit nervous about lifting in public again, I like private so much better since I can try things out without an audience and spitting and scratching are allowed, not to mention I just bring my iPod stereo out to the garage instead of having the earbud cords strangling me. As always, I'll keep you posted.

I could strangle my last OB/GYN, I feel more and more that she has contributed greatly to a lot of my mysterious female issues. Whats more, when I communicated to her that I had too much pain to have relations (wink wink, nudge nudge) with my husband she was not too concerned about fixing it. She's seemed increasingly bitter towards her own husband and I don't appreciate the fallout on me. Anyway, sonogram came out clean so my new gyno thinks maybe the nuvaring birth control I was on, which is higher in estrogen-THANKS OLD GYNO, might be encouraging the out of control bleeding, disrupted cycle, etc. Anyway, she's moved me to a different type and I think I'm going to like it, instead of sugar pills during your off week (in this case four days) you have iron pills. That's pretty neat and something I need as I am always slightly anemic or borderline.
FIL is now in rehab hospital to work on his left side, heart is doing great but the after effects from the stroke are what is bothering him at this point. Thank you for well wishes for him and me as well, much appreciated.
The vaccinations I got on Friday kicked my ass all weekend. They were required for my program this fall in order to insure me while I see patients. Measles, mumps rubella (mmr), tetanus/diphtheria and a tuberculin skin test-all of which left me feeling crappy. Today I did manage to get to the gym for the first time since we went and played racquetball together, and I knocked out 30 minutes of fairly intense cardio and managed to like it. I decided to go back to my old method when I started exercising which was 30 min cardio, ten minutes on 3 machines. I started with the stationary bike, then the tread for intervals, then the stair master. No stair master today, my knees need the break I think so I did incline walking and some running on the treadmill for some extra time. Nice equipment, nice facilities, etc. Of course this IS at one of the snootiest private colleges around so I'll just let you imagine the clientèle.
Speaking of taking it easy, I've had this weird sore spot on my spine that started freaking me out when it got really big and hurty this weekend and the skin was red. Doc said it is bone, I was right and that it is most likely from lifting too heavy over my head. Whoops! I have to take it down a notch so I will probably switch to lateral raises for a bit, or I may just cut back the weight even though I think it is already a paltry amount.
The free weights area at the new gym is meathead central which I am not too excited about, I only saw one woman working out over there and of course that was with her boyfriend who was putting her through the paces. Lots of ab work, no heavy lifts that I saw, definitely no compound movements. Sigh.
Please update lovelies, I have no energy and would like to be able to read stuff.

Back but I've just been too exhausted and busy to get online much. I am usually bored surfing the net wondering why no one understands I am the center of the universe and they should update for my amusement. Lately I have not even had enough time to make it through my regular reads, let alone hit Whingey Level Orange, Danger Danger.
Anyway, FIL is doing well/not doing well depending on what angle you examine the situation from-he has been finally moved to a private room out of ICU I THINK, though that could be misinformation as they tried to move him before but he had a stroke that morning that made him go back to ICU. He had four bypasses and it was a beating heart surgery, meaning no bypass machine was used which as a science nerd I find absolutely fascinating. Only a very quick, very skilled surgeon can pull that off and that part of the ordeal went very well. They couldn't just go in and clean out the blockage because diabetes had thinned out the connecting portions of his arteries, they were screwed every which way to Sunday so had to be chunked in the bin basically. His leg is hurting something awful where they took out the vessels used for the bypasses.
I am about to leave to get a sonogram done, abnormal bleeding and pain has been plagueing me since last Tuesday and my doc wants to find out what is going on inside. My mother had a full hysterectomy at roughly one year older than I am now because she had cysts that did not dissolve which turned cancerous. I am praying this is not what is going on right this minute as I sit here and type.
I've experienced some wonderful, tasty healthy food lately and discovered some great restaurants. Yesterday I had a meal by myself in a French place and it was absolutely incredible. I can see why they say French women don't get fat, the food is so damn good it's a crime to choke it down like I do burgers and fries. I took forever to eat my soup and salad and crusty bread and felt super satisfied when I was done. I also spent a lot of moola at Target and got tons of great tops, I think I left feeling so happy because I avoided trying on pants.
So, drinking water to have a full bladder, about to go get a rude test done and I only hope nothing terrible is wrong, but I don't have the best feeling at this point. I'm trying to catch up on blogs as I can, hope all is well.

My father-in-law went in for his angiogram this morning and it was as far from good as it gets. They're doing a full bypass on him immediately and we are headed that way in the morning. His blood force (push of blood through the chambers) dropped from an already bad 35% of 60 down to 20% and his arteries are obstructed big time. One is pinched and the other may not even be operable.
People, this man was thought to be in relatively good health, but he had diabetes unknown to any of us that has screwed up his heart in a big way and I'm terrified I'm going to lose someone very special to me.
We only get one body, let's hope they can repair his. I guess I'll be doing a ton of walking since I'll be out of my element. I'm an emotional passionate person and my husband and his whole family are very stoic and detached, pray for me or send good thoughts, whatever your preference.

Still extremely sore this morning, I guess it will just be walking for me today. I have my last lab practical at 11:50 and I just don't wanna study or take it, so burnt out and I still have two more years to go. I've been doing this for 4 yrs now and I just want to be done. Meh. I know I will be pumped again when I get into my program and am doing field work, so no worries.
Nasal passages feeling great still and when I finally got to sleep, I slept HARD. Must be getting more oxygen, eh?

I ordered a neti pot and it arrived Saturday, but for some reason I felt overwhelmed with the idea of mixing things and pouring it through my nostrils. Tonight I dug down for a bigger set of balls (metaphorically) and did it and I feel great! I think I've gone around with partially obstructed passages and mucus in my throat pretty much all the time and just thought that was normal. Apparently it's not and you feel way better if you get rid of it. Let's say I am feeling extremely optimistic that I will rest better and not get sick as often as I tend to do. At least four or five doctors have told me my issues stem from allergies and that Dallas is one of the top allergen centers of the country so I have to take meds every day or just deal with it. Perhaps some natural medicine can do the trick, please, please, please.
I now have the use of my arms, at least partially. What a weird statement, eh? Well my husband and I played an hour or more of racquetball yesterday and if you've never experienced this particular game, it is an ass kicking workout. I used to play my own modified version of it at home with a tennis racket, bouncing a tennis ball against the back wall of the house and keeping it going was the objective. I did that all the time when I was much younger, maybe 12-15 yrs ago. So let's just all assume I got my ass handed to me and am sore in places I didn't know existed. My right arm in particular has been pretty much useless all day, like the Wii arm you hear about but I actually played a sport instead of a video game. (not that I am against the gaming system, anything that gets people active is great) We had so much fun and it was a great workout that just felt like play time. I can't wait to do it again.
Speaking of playing again, I'll probably play solo several times a week now that my class schedule is shifting and I'm familiar with the gym. It's gorgeous, only about a year or two old with all these nifty features I've never had the privilege of using. I will be trying a guided nordic track treadmill class with hills and sprinting, heavy bag cardio class, and a fused yoga pilates class-though that one may be harder to get to. There's a staircase you can run and then it has a track that goes down you can walk instead of running back downstairs-hard to explain but way cool. Well equipped free weights area that I'll definitely be taking advantage of, individual lcd screen tv's on the cardio machines, an indoor rock climbing facility, lap pool, outdoor lounge area pool that's shallow and you can just hang out-waterfalls and such. We both have memberships for $10/month because of Husband's employment at the university. Not bragging, just super excited. I've never been part of something like this, it's like fitness heaven. The showers even have the little bench enclosed with the stall but out of the water area so you can put your stuff down there without it getting wet. My new class will be over by 11:30 and I can just cruise over there before picking up the young'un.
It will probably be another week before I tackle the classes, we shall see. Two more exams and anatomy I is over.

PS Live Free Die Hard was the most fun, exciting movie I've seen in a long time. Obviously it's an action flick, but I'd say it's the best one in quite a while.

Kada honey, I can't comment on your page-in firefox I've always had a problem so I open IE briefly, just for you and Dynamo, but now I can't even get to the comments link in IE.
So, I'll just say here, proud of you for taking steps to better your life(psyche) and I think you should focus on the positive steps you are taking and I am your friend, even if I'm just on the Internet, way over here in Texas. Email me anytime.

Comments from the posts before the new one have been answered IN the comments again. love!

Yesterday was my husband's thirtieth birthday and we went to dinner and a movie. Sounds lame for childless folks but we never get to go to movies anymore and dinner is sometimes spent with bated breath hoping the tired toddler will not erupt. Not to be misleading, our Boy is actually a very good dinner guest most of the time, but the times he is not...yeah. Pictured here is our appetizer, a dragon roll.

It even has ears or something and it tasted lovely. The place was sort of Asian fusion I suppose...I had macadameia nut encrusted chicken with a miso cream sauce and papaya relish, white cheddar mashed potatoes and wok tossed veggies. Unbelievably good, and I asked for the cream sauce on the side and just forked a little out on the chicken. It went along with eating for health and I enjoyed it. The veggies were insanely tasty and made me want one at home but Im sure they add something to make it awesome. The place was called Khona Grill (I believe) and had these cool umbrella lights hanging from the ceiling, very flattering glow, *wink.

We then went to see the F@ntastic F0ur movie and I am not trying to detract from Jessic@ Alb@, but she was painfully thin and looked so fragile. She looked absolutely beautiful, don't misunderstand, but very barbie doll like and like she could fall threw a sewer grate. Great movie though, but only if you like comic book movies, which I do.
And here is my outfit for the birthday night:
Those heels are about four inches (and zebra print) but I managed to walk around quite a bit, and if I took off my shoes during the movie and massaged the bottoms a bit, no one is the wiser. You can't really see if well but the top is corset style and has ribbons pulled tight under the bust and tied. The skirt I just bought and am in love, it swings when I walk and is lined so it feels very twirly. I also just got the green leather bag and I'm super happy about it all, I finally visited TJ M@xx and got all this great stuff for wonderful prices.
I need to post about how things are going, it feels magical, and effortless, and I feel like, "Why did I not figure this out a long time ago?"

Good Lord I am sore. I finally got a lifting session in Friday, and thought maybe something was wrong because it only took me thirty minutes, but in reality I worked harder than I usually do. I burned 330 calories in around 33 minutes and what I had considered a good workout was 400 something in 45 to an hr, so you do the math because it is too early.
We then went to some friends' for the day yesterday and I spent the day running after wee ones and swimming. I actually swam instead of standing in the water like everyone else and I think I got some decent activity in and it felt good to glide through the water and to spin in circles.
I now feel sure I have hit upon what clicks in MY brain. I would still eat badly or drink when it was geared towards not getting fat again. I knew that in reality doing that here and there or even a little each week would only be a temporary blip on the weight loss radar, yet when I approach every single thing I do with the question of, "would my body like this, am I taking care of my good friend that makes life worth living?" I don't eat badly at all or have the desire to. It may be just calling it a different name but I don't think so. Knowing how the body truly works (I've taken a LOT of biology courses now) has changed how I view the wonder that is the human body completely. It is an absolutely amazing machine and I am not abusing it anymore.
I think this new nerve med is working and I am so excited that I might feel like a normal woman again. It is also much more friendly than the previous med that I wasted time with, when I first wake up I feel completely put under, but if I get up and get moving, no problem really.
So two workouts, eating is going well, freaky woman troubles under control or at least on their way: life is good.

I'm a thinker. Sometimes it takes me awhile to puzzle out the truth behind all the muck I have to wade through, you know, with all that thinking I do. Ha! Anyway, I decided that dieting was the big evil boogity boo that made me feel bad, but in reality I think following a food plan with the intent of being thin, rather than healthy like I told myself, was the problem. Don't get me wrong, I never did unhealthy things like taking pills or starving myself or whatever, but bottom line is when I ate my 4-5 serves of veggies and limited simple carbs like bread or chips or whatever, it was with my weight and appearance in mind. Being healthy was sort of a side effect, and yes something I celebrated. Here's the thing, I feel at peace since my wake up of my father in law's health scare/disaster. Update on that: he is now getting an angiogram on his heart because it looks all wonky and is leaking fluid. Take care of yourself people, skinny or fat! It sucks all the way around that it took this to slap me in the face, but sometimes that is the way it works. So I am truly asking myself in every situation I run into, whether it's fixing lunch, getting enough sleep, or taking stairs instead of the wheelchair ramp, if it is the best choice for my body and health. My wonderful father in law was one of those people that carried a lot of weight around the middle but lost a ton of it by simply eating canned soups for lunch instead of going out to eat everyday, though they still ate out at night most of the time. Being a man (bastard, KIDDING) he lost weight and kept on eating donuts and bullshit left and right, because HEY not fat over here so who cares about veggies? So anyway, now I am focusing on health and my body size and weight will be the side effect. A variation on the live as the person you want to be kind of thing. If I live as a healthy person, I should reflect that choice and if I never get to a smaller size, so be it.
I may post what I eat here and there because I think I do need accountability and a food plan (somewhat) if I want to truly take the best care of myself that I can. If that bores anyone, please look away.
And further more, when I go to the in laws' various functions, they can stuff it when they hassle me about what I eat. I am going to simply tell them, "This is the choice I am making for myself and it has not reflection on any choice any one else makes, so please let me be." If all hell breaks loose, so be it, and of course I'll run back and tell you about it. Ha!
Damn, I'm tired with all the thinking. No, if that were true I'd be exhausted all the time because I do seem to yammer incessantly, even if it is to myself a lot of the time.
I wanted to lift today but I started a new med (for my nerve pain issues) and I can tell it will be better than the last one that I took myself off of, but it is kicking my ass right now in the adjustment period. I also got my period, SEGUE! So, there you go...want to get back to regular exercise, it's part of who I am now, but I may just need to be patient with getting used to this.

Note: I answered comments IN the comments this time. Just fyi. More later...

Found out late last night that my father in law (technically his step-dad but we count him more than the natural one) has diabetes, his blood sugar was 320!!! and one of his kidneys had completely atrophied. More news this morning, not only completely atrophied but covered with cysts and the other kidney is infected and has a stone so large it will have to be removed surgically. I did not sleep well.
What a wake up call to quit being silly and to take are of myself and my family and to be true to what I believe in rather than pursuing this half assed notion of being "normal" again. Fuck being normal, I think I'd rather be an abnormal health nut.

Alright the insanity has to stop some time right? I ate so much macaroni n' cheese today that I am having severe stomach cramps. I think I forgot to mention that this was not out of the box, powdery orange pasta type stuff-this was made by a chef and I am sure is full of cream, buttery, and lots of full fat cheese. Delicious but I felt sick as soon as I went back and scooped two more portions out on my plate, then proceeded to scarf it all even though my body started fussin' about halfway through. This is leftover from my husband's birthday weekend and is also accompanied by sausage lasagna made by the same lady. I am not touching another morsel, mark my words. Not because I am not good enough to eat it, not because it will make me gain weight back, no...because it is literally too rich to eat much of it. My goodness. And the thing that makes me mad is I was fully aware the whole time what I was doing was not a good choice and I did it anyway. I have a history of that-drinking too much, foolin' around with ne'er do wells, taking illegal substances in my younger days...bah. And the thing is, enjoyable while it is going on but hell to pay afterwards and I DO mean it when I say, "never again" but somehow never gets twisted to, "maybe just once more."
I am feeling sluglike, I am not feeling like myself and I don't know how to get back to that girl. Any "action plan" I form vaguely in my head doesn't come to fruition. It's close to 100 degrees outside and extremely humid, and I can stand out in the sun for a few minutes before declaring to myself that I am meeeelllllting. I hate Texas summers. The end.
So to get back on track I need to workout everyday and I need to cook a lot more and have stuff readily made that is not mac n' lard or heart attack lasagna. Bah.

Life is hectic right now, I'll write more when I can.

Wow! Thank you so much for the beyond nice comments on my picture. That is something else I've been thinking about, I think most women (at least those that I know) are not happy with photographs of themselves, but do we really put any effort into trying to change that? What I mean is I think if you take different shots of your self, especially your face, you can figure out what angles. etc. look best but I for one have always felt too self conscious to do so. It's that fear I've mentioned before of seeming to be full of myself or like I am "bragging", the same fear that keeps me from truly being proud of all the things I've accomplished. Truth is others may think just that, that I'm a braggert, etc. if I take ownership of things that I SHOULD be proud of or that I should at least acknowledge, but that doesn't matter. What does matter is I am kinder to myself, that I am not afraid of being strong or "too much" sometimes, because in reality that is who I am and the greater crime is how I tend to "dumb down" in so many aspects to be accepted. I have punished myself needlessly trying for this physical ideal, thinking then I could be fearlessly outspoken on fitness/nutritional topics for example. People look at me as if I must be talking out of my ass because I'm not a size 2 or they see me eating cheese fries and drinking beer. I have enough self imposed perfectionism and I don't need anyone else's, thank you. I see some pictures of myself and like them, but more often I hate the face I am making or the angle or you name it and I think if I will quit being afraid of so-called self absorption, and take steps to make friends with the camera, then more times than not I can be happy with what I see. Models spend years perfecting posing, etc. and yet the average woman thinks something is wrong with her if the image in the photograph isn't a great one.
Our outsides are just a facet of who we are, but it doesn't necessarily have to mean we are vapid or silly for learning to put our best foot forward.
I feel like I'm not communicating properly but I don't think I'll hit the backspace and erase it all.
Once again, your comments really made my day and made me look at myself in a different perspective, I plan on posting more pictures of myself, my family and the people and places I live with/around while I explore who I am further.