Just so you can put a face to my babbling. My mom and I laid on the couches in the living room and made silly faces and took self portraits. I look tan. I am not.

Being sick is no fun to talk about and even less fun to deal with, but today I seem to be on my way finally to being better. I ALMOST slept through the night last night and have only coughed periodically today. Normal daily activity (which for me is quite a lot being a mom and student, etc) is completely wiping me out so no workouts yet though I am itching to get back to it. We're discussing muscle in my anatomy class and I found myself daydreaming during lecture about really busting ass-knowing the science behind stuff really allows my inner geek to blossom.
I've been doing great on body image and self acceptance, eating "normally" etc. but I'm getting some anxiety about this weekend, having to wear a bathing suit in front of Hubby's snotty friends and critical family. Meh. The thing is if I really examine this anxiety there's not much to base it on...they may notice I'm squishier and then guess what...they'll immediately move on to something else. They DON'T CARE, I project that on to them I think. What a waste of time, maybe I should be worrying more about what cool stuff I can talk about, though I hate to admit these aren't exactly intellectuals I'll be dealing with...
So I'm flabby from not working out and being sick and now I'm plunging head first into a Weekend of Food and Drinking, I'll not be refusing anything but I will be ONLY eating as much as I want of what I want and the food pushers can kiss my newly rounded ass.

Having a fabulous time, surprise surprise there is internet access here (wasn't last time I was here) and I am pretty dang sick but I plan on burning that out with some Crown Royal later, ha!
Had an awesome breakfast burrito at Joe's Deli in Vail Village this morning, the sun is shining and its a balmy 50 degrees. Heaven to this heat sensitive Texan. I've taken tons of pictures but did not bring a usb cable or my flash drive cause I thought I would be netless. Le sigh.
Love to all.

I don't comment on your blogs as often as I should, I feel inadequate at best when I am really struck by something you post. All of you. Marla, many of your posts really strike a cord with me and yet I'm not sure what to say that would be of any worth to the already lovely writing. The post about food pushing especially hit me but I have yet to say anything. And my inspiring Seattle friend Dynamo360, your thinking posts, well they make me think. Ha! So like my own posting, I will strive to stop being frozen from commenting because I DO want you to know I think you rock.
Hamstring is fine now but I started getting miserably sick last night. I feel like the highest frequency germ factory on the planet. Not the ILLEST person by any means as there are so many people dealing with seriously gnarly stuff, but I have persistent crappy colds, allergies, fatigue, etc. I blame Texas. Only half joking here.
Had fucked up dreams last night that I woke up and we were already in Vail and I totally did not remember the flight or the drive which led to panicking wondering if I had drank or taken something. And the mountains were more like molehills and I was so disappointed that I had finally gotten a chance to share them with my mom and then the betrayed me by being hills, and my dad was there with my brother (parents are recently divorced) and there was a repair dude named Clovis working on the water line? He looked like Morgan Freeman.
My throat is super swollen, my voice is hoarse and I feel all woozy. Perfect to go to a high altitude! I told my mom it would be in the 20s at night and she freaked! "Where are you taking me??" haha.
Huge day ahead of me, gotta finish the packing of the suitcase and then get to school then rush to my moms, eat and pick her up and then start the hellish process that is the airport. I hate airports, all of the check points and toll booths and what have you give me extreme anxiety.
Still not dieting, don't think I ever will again. THAT gives me peace.

Twanged my left hamstring while lifting-was using light weights(been off the rails for almost 3 weeks so was not able to lift as much, *pout) and being very careful with form.
Meh.
Icing now and will elevate later, hopefully it heals before my damn MOUNTAIN VACATION. Argh, all that lovely hiking.

I've noticed I am avoiding writing anything anywhere on the 'net 'cause I am overwhelmed with wanting it to be perfect. I've got to stop that or I'll never post anything and will just fade away with words flying around my brain.
What I meant by I would rather people notice me or even admire me for what I achieve rather than what size my pants happen to be. That is such a fleeting, unimportant "achievement", if you think about people that are famous for academics, art, literature, etc. their appearances are not the first thing that comes to mind. Yes, I am sure they are commented on by someone, somewhere considering the humanity wide obsession with looks (or is that just Americans? ha!), but if you invited them to your mid-week soirée to partake of some fine Sam's Club red wine and a cheese tray, they damn sure would have something interesting to talk about. I am an interesting person, I am not delusional or filled with self loathing, but quite frankly when you are in "diet" mode it does consume your thoughts and quite a bit of time. I've explored the idea lately of what happens if I try and stop losing weight, drink some beer, even get a good bit bloated. Guess what? NOTHING. Nothing except some fun materialized and a short term vacation from my own mental weirdness. I'm struggling with self acceptance because I am also a big believer in being the best possible version of one's self and to strive for self improvement. Here's the kicker and why self acceptance needs to happen: I have changed into a person that enjoys nutritious healthy foods and regular exercise and so chilling the fuck out is not going to STOP THE EARTH'S ROTATION. I may not get as thin as I would have liked originally but that is also another magic phenomenon that I am experiencing with my new mental efforts. I never thought stick thin was attractive but I am turned off by just about every picture I see of supposedly "hot" women out there. Way too thin, legs look like they wouldn't be able to support any amount of serious weight and since when did women want to look like boys with buoys strapped to their chests? Just curious. I do think a lean strong body is hot but I also am realizing that my stomach will probably never be truly flat and that is fine. I had a baby, I gained and lost the same 30-40 several times, and through the last few months I have experienced a new level of leanness in my physique and even with barely any skin to pinch on my abdomen it is not flat. Why do I think it should be? I'm not sure and now that I realize that I don't actually care too much. Just shining a bright light on the negative thinking has served to dispel a lot of it. No matter how thin I've gotten it's not what I have in my head as what it should be. I consistently wear a size 8. I'll let that sink in...to my head as well as yours. In what universe is an 8 not thin enough? Not one I want to live in, I can tell you that.
I know part of it comes from always watching my mother be thinner than myself, an 8 is "big" for her and she really only has to half ass it to maintain that weight, so it is right for her-she's not an idiot, she eats normally but is just naturally thinner than I am. That's something else I've bought into, that you don't have a natural weight your body settles into and that if you are just perfect enough in your efforts you will reach this ideal that may not even be remotely right for your own body and health. I don't believe you have to be unhealthy, that genetics just deal out the cards so don't even try...but an 8 is perfectly fine-better than fine and it's asinine to think I'll be happier at a 6 or even a 4. My mother is a 4 now and it's not necessarily the size...it's the fact that she can just eat a little less and not even try that hard and be that size and I can bust my ass literally for years and never get below a certain weight. I feel that I should have by now, so maybe that's yet another reason I need to chill and accept. That's exactly what I am doing, no matter how long it takes me to stop feeling depressed and fearful that I'll get "fat". Eating disordered thinking right there, and not something I am willing to live with ultimately.
So, sluggishly fighting my way to better mental health and finding that middle ground-not crazy dieting behavior but good choices for my HEALTH-truly, not a bullshit platitude when really what I want is the t word. Achieving new heights physically, being able to do pull-ups, push ups, to run, to cycle, to climb things-to be strong.
So with all that time I wasted thinking away calories I'm going to cook more, try new things, call friends, email, post here and elsewhere, finish my son's scrapbook, etc. Also, read LOTS more books, go to museums and we're getting a Canon digital rebel from a friend for a steal and I'm super excited about that. Wonder how many calories are burned from clicking the shutter? KIDDING. I keel myself.
Near future:post about the Mindless Eating book so I can finally get it in the mail. Class started back today and I'm exhausted and I've got a business blog to update for an actual company and I'm taking my mom to Vail for 3 and a half days starting this Thursday.
Whew.

Lots to talk about, bubbling around in my noggin', but seeing as how I've sat here and tried to talk myself out of going out to the garage and lifting after two weeks off (unheard of), I better go do that instead. Be back later hopefully, lots of great posts in blogland that have me thinking.

Oh and a certain 6am 24 cycle post had a lot to do with inspiring me to get off my tookus. Good for you!

Instead of hoping people will notice how much I've been working out and that I've lost weight when I see them, I'm going to try and actually have things worthy of talking about and garnering that admiration I apparently want. Just a thought.

I stopped taking the med that was sucking the life out of me and am feeling much more like myself again, and once again have wisened up and returned to eating for health, not mythical thinness. I think I keep going on drives to be thin because I think I need to move forward at all times, and while that is not a bad idea, getting smaller is not necessarily the same thing. I will still do "mini cuts" for no longer than two weeks here and there if I start feeling swollen and toxic, but as far as being hard on myself to get down a size, that's for the birds. Cranky birds no one wants to be around, let alone the bird herself.
So I need a goal to work towards, I dislike working out purely to fit into an ideal that I am not even so sure that I can achieve, no matter how hard I push myself. I used to be so much curvier than I am now and I actually felt much sexier. Not sure how to get back to that in a healthy manner but for now my proposal is to make good choices nutritionally, enjoy indulgences in moderation without guilt, and to focus on being more athletic. That was the best thing a trainer ever said to me at 24 hr fitness, not "Hey you've lost weight" but "You are really looking athletic, good job." That was several years ago and it has stuck with me this long. My mode at that time was eating pretty darned cleanly Mon thru Fri and then drinking beer and eating at least one fried meal on the weekends. Ha! Now there's a diet! No really, I am not endorsing that necessarily but it worked for me. I was also weight training three times a week and running about 3 times a week in the park with our dog. Now she isn't able to even go for a 15 minute walk without needing to go home and rest and she's having a hard time controlling her um, business end so walking or running with her is pretty much non existent.
To do:
Figure out what race/walk/cycling event I want to train for...and try new activities as much as possible. I get into a rut when I am in "weight loss" mode and inevitably "fall off the wagon" because it is boring, it sucks, and is the equivalent to running laps when you forget your gym clothes. Funk dat.

I was tempted to berate myself for yet again see sawing back and forth mentally but I know in my heart this is the right way to live and I guess I need to be kind to myself and understand that it will take probably YEARS to undo the damage I started from dieting. I never had an eating disorder until I started on a certain well known diet plan, and though I don't blame the particular brand, it was dangerous for me to get hooked into behavior involving control and a need for external validation. I never gave a rip what anyone thought of my body before, I had great self esteem...and that is where I am headed now come hell or high water.

I've been in a damned weird place mentally and I'm not entirely sure that I'm back. I thought about abandoning this page, mainly because I was thinking about abandoning my endeavor to be thinner. Note I did not say stronger, never thought about ditching that but after spending a weekend like I used to, drinking beer and eating what I wanted, it felt so good. Then Monday rolled around and I felt sick from all the "good fun" I was having and I woke up. Ha! Anyway, sometimes I am human just like everyone else and I get sick to death of all my responsibilities, the thing is...taking care of my body is not one that I can just decide to drop. It's not like washing clothes or loading the dishwasher. I no longer want to go back to my old ways but it was tempting for once.
I seem to have two people inside rather than one whole person. One person is very Type A and takes care of everything right on time all the time and eats perfectly and works out regularly without fail and is also very snippy and uptight and not someone I would want to hang out with, *frown. The other me is very easy going and fun and dangerous to my health, and I just want to combine the two and leave out the snippiness and impatience.
Working on that, in the mean time I'm detoxing and deflating after my tour de debauchery. I went for a walk last night by myself and must have really been bookin' it because I burned just as many calories as I do on the elliptical, and let me tell you I enjoyed it a hell of a lot more because I actually felt like I was getting somewhere instead of hanster wheelin' it.
Sorry I haven't commented, I've read when I could and Kada if you read this, enjoyed the excerpt a lot!
That's all I have for today.

Wow sorry to leave it hanging on such a downer post. I was out of town all weekend, but am back now and will catch up on everyone asahp (as soon as humanly possible). Starting day 12 today, did not make it past 11 am on Saturday, my MIL's house is kryptonite for me and I wish I would have made it but I did not. I'll explain later.

Apparently I lost a day somewhere, this is actually 10 and I'm holding on by the skin of my teeth. It's hard to not stuff depression with food.
Going to bed early, surely tomorrow will be better.

Day 9: chugging along. Had workers here most of the day replacing the back door jam and putting guttering on the back as well. I've worked pretty hard around the house and gotten my school work for the day finished.
I wanted to get some serious exercising in today but I've had to up my dose again and if I thought I was fuzzy yesterday...DAMN. I just want to take a nap but Number One Toddler of the World is waking up now so there goes that. He has been absolutely awful lately and I am ready for my sweet boy to come back.
Typing is difficult, my fingernail beds are sore from pulling weeds and picking up bricks and such, so I'll cut this short.
If the fog lifts I'm going to hop on the elliptical later and tomorrow is definitely lifting day, I'll get that done before I take the extra pill. Food still on track but I think that intial progress has stalled somewhat due to not a lot of exercise. I am trying!

Day 8 was touch and go, I spent the majority of the day at my mother's which is always a danger zone. She eats pretty well but is a big carb snacker like chips and popcorn and crackers and for some reason I always have a hard time around all that. I thought I had completely over done it on the eating but when I actually thought about it on the way home I didn't really, I think I just felt that way because I was out of my element and it was not the typical stuff I would eat.
We also went for about a 20 minute walk, something we've talked about doing together since she left my dad and moved here about a yr and a half ago, so I was proud of doing that on two fronts. She wasn't feeling well but soldiered through it, I wish that her health problems would retreat so she could get back to being more fit and active like she was when she moved here. She walked everyday and had her own little routine she did at their house and then her apt and we even emailed each other encouragement for awhile. Her shoulder locked up for no apparent reason, unknown to doctors why it happens, and she had to do physical therapy for a long time before it was even usable really and now she's had intestinal cramping and pain for months and once again no answer why.
Anyway, the last few mornings I've woken up feeling like a big truck ran over me and I am exhausted right now. Not sure what is going on but I am really missing being MY active self, the diet is going great but I am now one of those people that NEEDS to exercise or I don't feel good about myself or happy in general. I plan on walking quite a bit today and getting some yard work done, toddler permitting. He is being a real pill today and I am wondering why I canceled his Wed. daycare. Bah.

PS thanks for the comments, my brain feels really fuzzy and this was hard to write so I don't really have anything to add right now. Sorry...I hate feeling like this!

Day 7 Check In:
I have stayed "on plan" (hate typing that but well, it is apt) for seven days now and exTREMEly pleased with this fact. And beyond the seven day thing, I survived a weekend with the Husband's family and stood my ground despite frowns, badgering, and supposedly hurt tones. Get off my ass about eating the dessert you made, good GOD. Here is the MOST important part: I do not feel deprived one.little.bit. I feel very scientific, logical, and focused which is how I operate best and I can already see many changes. My arms are more defined which is one of my major goals, my ankles are not swollen, my jewelry is loose and comfortable and the squidgy bags under my arms and around my bra strap are pretty much gone. I feel really good, I just need to get back to more exercise, I actually have more time right now. Not that I've been slacking too hard, hard weights workout Friday and swam for about an hr off and on Sunday. Nothing today but I spent the day driving to/from my grandma's and visiting her, so it was time well spent.
I'm really doing this. *pinches self

Planks will definitely need to be moved to non lifting days, my shoulders are toast and they give out before my abs. I thought I'd be smart and use the timer on the microwave to see how long I could last and so I set it for a min and six seconds and quickly ran over and got into position, only I forgot to take off my socks and the floor is slick because I just washed it yesterday. I felt like a cartoon character when they try and skid around corners! Also on the agenda, agility work; see, you just set up a gym in your garage and wait for wasps to come hang out in the summer and you spend your workout giving the stink eye to anything that buzzes and darting around all agile and stuff with Killer Death Spray. Bastard hid from me but I know he's out there.
For the record there has not been another wasp sighting since last time I wrote about it, and the garage is nice and cool with the box fan going. Check back in when it's over a 100 degrees in the shade for weeks on end, but right now? Still loving it, I think it was important for me to dedicate a complete space to taking care of my body, when I had my dumbbells and yoga mat just sitting around in the house I had a tendency to ignore them, plus it is awesome having a weight bench and a better weight set with an actual barbell, the ottoman was pretty crappy in comparison.
I've found that when I treat my endeavors like something to apologize for to the rest of the world, I am only doing myself a disservice. I'm not going to eat badly when I don't even want to just so others don't think I'm weird and I am not going to make jokes about exercising, because I really don't feel that way and if I don't fit in, well hell! what's new?
NEED SHOWER.

Check in for yesterday and today:
Sorry no update yesterday, had my final and then spent the rest of the day feeling under the weather. Yes, I-the only person sick this much on the face of the planet-woke up with a sore throat again, the same exact feeling I had before I got so badly ill recently. It's still hanging about today but I've managed to get some things done despite it.
Day 2 was a success, no intentional exercise but I stuck perfectly to my eating plan and went to bed a bit early. Today I have not only stuck to the eating plan but also vac'd the entire house and washed the kitchen floor by hand, as well as all of the cabinet faces. A threw in a little bit of yoga/Pilates while playing with our son in his room, he thinks it's funny and tries to climb on me the whole time.
Nothing close to what I have been doing for exercise but I'm not feeling well and I am doing SOME thing so I am happy with it. I feel very pleased with myself right now and I'm not ashamed of that feeling, I don't always have it.
Of course because I've stuck to my convictions for three days I expect miraculous results. I do have to say I went through some bad digestive business right off the bat and the unsightly swelling I had noticed in my ankles is gone. My wedding ring and watch are spinning, something I tend to associate with weight loss because I notice those each time I start dropping fat.
I'm semi obsessing over the idea that I may lose some of the hard fought muscle I just developed but of course I won't be stopping on the lifting front and I am not eating too low of a caloric amount. What I thought was around 1200 calories before is actually more in the 1350-1500 range, which is perfectly acceptable as long as it is a cycle and not the rest of your life. I believe I've been eating a pretty high tally the last 5 months or so, which is why I've lost no fat and was able to add the muscle, at least I think so. I'll probably do that again after I cut some of this unwanted fluff, the fat under my arms and on my back around my bra strap is back too much for comfort, can't hide those pretty muscles!
The class that ate Manhattan is over and I earned a B, something I am very pleased with as well. I'm used to all A's but with this class and this professor, I could dance a jig.
OH! Speaking of jigs, that's something else I've been doing lately. We just got a cheesy station in this area that is geared towards music to make you dance for exercise, stuff like Salt n Peppa and Wild Thang, haha! We have little dance parties, the two of us and sometimes with Husband when he gets home from work.
Enough for now, positive thoughts to you all.

Check in:
Stuck to planned out food all day, ate at Subway for lunch with Mama and made good choices, and went for a 1.25 mile walk after dinner with the family.

I don't know if I have ever been this focused, I'm sure I have but the key is to keep that feeling going.

Success!

No worries, I'm not permanently going anywhere, just hard to write when your head is all muddled. I've always hated trying to recount things after they've already happened, it never comes out right for me.
Here are some things happening though: I am tired of faffing about with this body fat I've been trying to dislodge for several years now. In my mind, I do everything correctly but upon closer examination, well that is bullshit. I will do everything "right" for a few days or even a week, then get thrown off track, and start over...and over...and over. Admittedly I am much fitter and more knowledgeable but I am not where I want to be and I am not going to be if I flit around all willy nilly like I have been. I now know that I can live like a "normal" person quite well, I've worked through a lot of issues (that I created through bad dieter behavior I might add) and am ready to finish the job and get on with it. If I am honest about my goals I have not reached them and am not satisfied with saying, "ah well, it's good enough."
So what's next? Drastic measures no, but consistency yes, and 100% effort, yes. I have told myself that I was doing that but it is just not so. I am capable of doing amazing things if I set my mind to it, and so I have.
Weight training is my favorite workout because of how it makes me feel and yes, also because of how it makes me look. I feel strong, powerful, tough after I lift heavy, especially when I am steadily increasing the amounts (the only way to go in my opinion and experience.) An old favorite of mine is, "Do cardio to look good in your clothes and lift weights to look good naked." Ha! Okay but it's true. If naked isn't your thing then think about bathing suits or let's just focus on the huge one of feeling strong, powerful, in control.
I've had great success doing a full body, hardcore workout once a week. I have increased weight amount pretty much each time (so I know I am making gains in muscle and stability) and I'm trying new lifts and learning all the time. Last week I decided two full body workouts would be better, based off things I was reading (always a pitfall for me, I read a LOT of fitness/nutrition info and tend to take on what makes sense to me, regardless of whether I NEED to change what I am doing). Well two workouts was not a good idea, I was not mentally rested enough to be pumped to do it (very important for me) and the next day I was hardly sore, except for in my lower back. DANGER DANGER Will Robinson, that is NOT where I need to be sore, especially when I didn't really experience any soreness elsewhere. On the plus side I did have soreness in my pecs which has been missing, I definitely need to increase the weight on flyes. That was really the only bonus I got from that extra workout. Lesson learned: if it is not broken, don't fix it. I reserve the right to change my workout plan when it becomes apparent that I need to, my body does adjust pretty well to what I ask of it, but that is another beauty to weight lifting! Increasing the weight challenges your body anew each time and trying different lifts is fun and effective.
I will be focusing on making cardio fun and hitting my weekly lifting HARD. Cardio is my most hated activity but I love getting better at it and it does make me feel good, and let's not forget the fat burning benefit of intervals.
Eating is being reigned in, I will be tracking it (though not cals at this point) and cutting this bodyfat for good. I've been kidding myself for a long time and after recently being very frustrated and getting my feelings hurt (not worth going into right now)I know what I need to and I am excited to do it. To each their own, this is not something to drag me down, and after making this decision and starting to act on it already, I feel better than I have in a long, long time. I do a lot of thinking about things basically and so I feel exhausted like I have been working really hard and yet I don't get results. See what I happens? I get the mental fatigue but don't bring the action so I feel cheated because where the hell are my results damnit!!??
Time to take action.
I'll be updating daily and making an effort to increase my commenting on other pages. I do read almost daily but several of you guys I have to open IE to comment and for some reason that deters me. Yet again part of the thinking and not taking action thing.
Wish me luck, this time is the last time I start over.

Sorry, still been sick and taking exams right now, and I'm in sort of a weird head space right now. Be back as soon as possible.

ETA: META COME BACK!