I've noticed I am avoiding writing anything anywhere on the 'net 'cause I am overwhelmed with wanting it to be perfect. I've got to stop that or I'll never post anything and will just fade away with words flying around my brain.
What I meant by I would rather people notice me or even admire me for what I achieve rather than what size my pants happen to be. That is such a fleeting, unimportant "achievement", if you think about people that are famous for academics, art, literature, etc. their appearances are not the first thing that comes to mind. Yes, I am sure they are commented on by someone, somewhere considering the humanity wide obsession with looks (or is that just Americans? ha!), but if you invited them to your mid-week soirée to partake of some fine Sam's Club red wine and a cheese tray, they damn sure would have something interesting to talk about. I am an interesting person, I am not delusional or filled with self loathing, but quite frankly when you are in "diet" mode it does consume your thoughts and quite a bit of time. I've explored the idea lately of what happens if I try and stop losing weight, drink some beer, even get a good bit bloated. Guess what? NOTHING. Nothing except some fun materialized and a short term vacation from my own mental weirdness. I'm struggling with self acceptance because I am also a big believer in being the best possible version of one's self and to strive for self improvement. Here's the kicker and why self acceptance needs to happen: I have changed into a person that enjoys nutritious healthy foods and regular exercise and so chilling the fuck out is not going to STOP THE EARTH'S ROTATION. I may not get as thin as I would have liked originally but that is also another magic phenomenon that I am experiencing with my new mental efforts. I never thought stick thin was attractive but I am turned off by just about every picture I see of supposedly "hot" women out there. Way too thin, legs look like they wouldn't be able to support any amount of serious weight and since when did women want to look like boys with buoys strapped to their chests? Just curious. I do think a lean strong body is hot but I also am realizing that my stomach will probably never be truly flat and that is fine. I had a baby, I gained and lost the same 30-40 several times, and through the last few months I have experienced a new level of leanness in my physique and even with barely any skin to pinch on my abdomen it is not flat. Why do I think it should be? I'm not sure and now that I realize that I don't actually care too much. Just shining a bright light on the negative thinking has served to dispel a lot of it. No matter how thin I've gotten it's not what I have in my head as what it should be. I consistently wear a size 8. I'll let that sink in...to my head as well as yours. In what universe is an 8 not thin enough? Not one I want to live in, I can tell you that.
I know part of it comes from always watching my mother be thinner than myself, an 8 is "big" for her and she really only has to half ass it to maintain that weight, so it is right for her-she's not an idiot, she eats normally but is just naturally thinner than I am. That's something else I've bought into, that you don't have a natural weight your body settles into and that if you are just perfect enough in your efforts you will reach this ideal that may not even be remotely right for your own body and health. I don't believe you have to be unhealthy, that genetics just deal out the cards so don't even try...but an 8 is perfectly fine-better than fine and it's asinine to think I'll be happier at a 6 or even a 4. My mother is a 4 now and it's not necessarily the size...it's the fact that she can just eat a little less and not even try that hard and be that size and I can bust my ass literally for years and never get below a certain weight. I feel that I should have by now, so maybe that's yet another reason I need to chill and accept. That's exactly what I am doing, no matter how long it takes me to stop feeling depressed and fearful that I'll get "fat". Eating disordered thinking right there, and not something I am willing to live with ultimately.
So, sluggishly fighting my way to better mental health and finding that middle ground-not crazy dieting behavior but good choices for my HEALTH-truly, not a bullshit platitude when really what I want is the t word. Achieving new heights physically, being able to do pull-ups, push ups, to run, to cycle, to climb things-to be strong.
So with all that time I wasted thinking away calories I'm going to cook more, try new things, call friends, email, post here and elsewhere, finish my son's scrapbook, etc. Also, read LOTS more books, go to museums and we're getting a Canon digital rebel from a friend for a steal and I'm super excited about that. Wonder how many calories are burned from clicking the shutter? KIDDING. I keel myself.
Near future:post about the Mindless Eating book so I can finally get it in the mail. Class started back today and I'm exhausted and I've got a business blog to update for an actual company and I'm taking my mom to Vail for 3 and a half days starting this Thursday.
Whew.