Life is just really getting in my way right now. I wanted to say thank you to everyone that stopped by and left a comment and anyone out there that doesn't comment but stops by anyway (as long as you don't come here to insult me through the monitor). It always blows me away when people (you guys) leave me a comment because you're all engaging wonderful writers and I get a little star struck. This may seem weird but I am socially awkward. Ahem.
Lifted weights again for the first time in several weeks. I've not been inactive mind you (except for during the numerous bouts of sickness I endure on a regular basis)but I've been focusing on yoga rather than free weights and now my interest in weight lifting is peaking once more. I don't want to do AWAY with yoga though, I truly love it and think it is amazing but I have a hard time fitting in both, my mindset wars between the two and for some reason it's like getting a cat and dog to live in harmony with each other. The cat stretches gracefully on the back of the couch and the dog lumbers into the glass sliding door and both are enjoyable. My cat and dog DO live quite well with each other so I know I can get there.
Something else I've concluded is that trying to force myself to adhere to the same activity, sometimes even for a few days at a time, is a losing battle. I embrace change, I crave it and feel stifled when forced into monotony. Some would call it being fickle or flighty but this is just the way I am wired. I am not the person that leaves their home decorated the same way for years, you will not find pictures with the same hairstyle for maybe more than a few months period at a time and the way I dress used to change on a daily basis but now goes more on a few month to a year cycle. I like variety in all things, my ideal would be to swim one day, rock climb another, bike ride and play raquetball, weight train and do yoga, kayak-you name it but different all the time. This is also why being vegetarian did not work for me. I hate being locked into a box and while I know I can enjoy it in cycles the idea of something being forbidden to me for the rest of my life chaps my ass. I lasted two months before succumbing to a turkey sandwich and then I had the best spicy chicken sandwich combo from Wendy's of my life. I was literally giddy to be eating it which is funny since it has no lie, been years since going through a drive thru establishment. I am well aware you can have quite a variety in vegetarian dishes but in order to do that I was putting in a lot of time I just don't have at this point. I know I'll cycle back around to eating veggie and obsessing over yoga but for now I'm back in a meat eating (within reason) and weight lifting phase.
I'd be a lot happier if I would just stop trying to force my square peg self into round holes.

LME, thanks for the kind words, it has been quite a few past days, let me tell you. You have to let me tell you because it's my blog. Ahem. Stress mounted up big time with projects and programs that didn't save my work despite my repeated clicking of the save button and then Friday....Friday I got seriously ill, had to jump up in the middle of a guest lecture and oh the details of woe I could relate but I'll just let you know I left school without even telling any professors, crawled in to bed shaking, skin hurting, and commenced to being sick up until today with a violent stomach virus that left me six lbs lighter in only about three days. Not good people. Saturday night was hell, oh man, but last time I had this I ended up in the hospital (I am not a good little puker/pooper, I take it to the extreme apparently) and so this time getting to stay in my own bed was a bonus. I missed essentially three days of class though so that is big time boo hiss.
Tomorrow is my first day of ambulatory care, and what that means is I meet with a client (rather than patient in the hospital) and do a 45 minute counseling session with her. This is cool but scary considering I've never done that before and I'm graded. Bah, whatever, anything is better than what I've dealt with lately.
I've barely been able to eat and walk so just cleaning house today a bit was a big improvement, anxiously awaiting getting back to yoga etc.
PS I ate several turkey sandwiches, the only thing that would do. More on that later.

Today was so horrible I thought it would surely do me in, and I am not even coming at you from a dieting perspective, I refer to sanity itself.
I'm not going to detail things out, I just get worked up all over again but I am going to go fall into an exhausted sleep in order to trudge through one more day.
I desperately want to work out and to eat nice food and yet I am dealing with migraines from stress and eating nothing but nutrition bars (I had 3 of them today, NO NO NO) and I just want time to be well and to feel good and...
BAH
It is extremely helpful to read about others carrying on though so please do just that and when I have a spare moment to do the ol' inhale/exhale thingie I'll be reading.
Have not succeeded in doing yoga three hrs a week since I started striving for that, only 2 hrs a week for the last several but that is better than nothing and I've been battling fatigue that usually sends me into a full blow sick episode. I'm holding on and the last of the creamy southwestern ranch dip is gone.

The End.

Kada! Yes please send me recipes, any time, all the time. *grin

Beyond exhausted, spent the weekend in Houston (Texas for those not in the know) and had a blast. Must update with details when possible.
For now I am done with homework and ready to fall in to bed, the plan is to be up before sunrise in order to do yoga and ride the train to school.
Damn I am tired.
I'm going now or I'll just repeat variations of how tired I am and even though I'm sure that would be endlessly entertaining, I gotta save something for tomorrow.

Still around and will try to stop in tonight-right now I am supposedly studying for an exam that I have at ten.

Good plan? No, but I'll pull it off and learn from my semi-idiocy and do better next time. Still doing yoga, still eating vegetarian, still scheduled to the hilt. Made another great recipe out of the Moosewood cookbook, I'll definitely post about those later.

Thanks Crabby! Glad to see you stopped by, love your page. I drove my husband nuts reading archives and laughing and then he'd want to know what was so funny and my answer of whatever health study and your pithy comments didn't seem to do it for him the same way. Ah well, no accounting for tastes, except for mine which are impeccable right?
Anyway, yes I think yoga gets a bad rap because people think it is only for flexibility. The thing is, it can cover so many different goals and you really get what you put out of it. There are also so many different types that what one person tries is not necessarily what someone else is doing and you can do the same sequence at so many different fitness levels.
For instance, take the Warrior II pose. barely bending your front leg and not focusing on each body part, turning completely and tightening your arms, dropping the shoulder blades, etc. etc. will not get you very far. Transitioning from Upward Facing Dog to Downward Facing Dog was a real challenge for me for a long time but now that I can do it and I don't wimp out on the form it is a great strength maneuver for my legs and back both. My quads tremble practically everytime just from that one move. Okay one more link and I'll stop with the linky-ness. This pose was beyond me for so long because I held myself back from even trying it but once I did I felt amazing. I can now do it three times in a row, two times deepening the pose as the page I linked suggests at the bottom of the comments. I had no idea that was a modification, that is how I learned to do it and I can now get in to the pose, hold it and fully extend my arms and legs even though it involves some deep breathing on my part. It used to kill my wrists but now they are barely sore.
I love yoga, is it obvious?

I think I could write 50 dubrillion posts about self image, feminism, and what we're passing on to our children but let's keep it light this morning, k? Crunched on time as per usual.
I have practiced yoga 5 times in the past week and a half (I do an hr long dvd, "power" yoga or vinyasa style, focused on strength) and my body is completely transforming in front of my eyes. My weight hasn't done much but the changes are so drastic I could care less. I can wear all of my pants again, including the smallest pair that I thought maybe I would give away to my mom. I am still up at least five pounds from my usual hangout weight and yet here I am easily pulling on clothes that wouldn't even close two weeks ago. It's incredible and proves that for me focusing on the scale would be a bad idea right now. I am still tracking weight, body fat% and hydration level each morning but it doesn't affect me emotionally. I can wear pants that hit low on the hips without anything hanging over, something I don't think I've done...honestly I don't remember when, it is a weird feeling.
I realized that when I feel really tight and strong and good about myself I want to go out to eat or go to parties because I want to go out in public while it lasts. That's the key part, "while it lasts", I end up destroying it because I think I need to go out and party is some short window while I have the kind of body I want because I won't be able to keep it. That attitude is going out the window, being vegetarian and getting serious about yoga is changing my life.
I've made two fantastic recipes I will share soon, but for now I need to work on school related things. Oh! Speaking of school, things are happening on that front. I'll be on the local news at some point (I don't think I've mentioned that here)talking about eating well on a budget, and next Friday my husband and I are flying to Houston so I can accept an award I received from a prestigious health professional organization. I get to do the fancy pants banquet thing, hopefully dress up, and also get an $1,000 cash award. Yesterday our speaker in class was from a company here in Dallas that also has a location in Tulsa, she gave me her card when I mentioned I might be interested when I graduate. That would be awesome!
Gotta go.

I felt like I should post the conversation I've been having with some of my friends as it touches the tip of an iceburg that I feel strongly about. This was my comment in response to a friend that feels embarrassed that she has committed to losing weight and really feels ready to do so.

"Some times we feel that we're "buying in" to something unsavory when we start taking care of our bodies, as if only our size matters and the fashion/beauty industry is right. Making a commitment to YOURSELF and about yourself is not the same thing in my opinion. That is not to say I don't understand the feeling and I have experienced it myself, just that taking steps towards achieving your idea of your best self has a lot of emotions tied in to it and it's not an easy ride. Honestly, I feel the biggest thing that helped me lose a good amount of weight twice is the internet (resources) and blogging (support). It really helps to have others cheering you on or offering practical advice because they've been there too."

And then my lovely, wonderful sister-in-law responded: "'Some times we feel that we're "buying in" to something unsavory when we start taking care of our bodies, as if only our size matters and the fashion/beauty industry is right.'

damn. it's like a light bulb just went off in my head! i have always, always, always felt guilty about losing weight. wow. that's really mind-blowing. i wonder if that's part of why i allow myself to so quickly sabotage my healthy efforts - if i'm not losing weight & getting fit, i'm not buying into the magazines and the conventional stereotypes of attractiveness and all those other things that make people feel bad about themselves to sell more products. (of course, i DO buy into them because i judge myself by them and feel that i'm falling short while simultaneously railing against those ideas.)

wow. i'm feeling rather foolish right now."

And finally I answered and got a bit more than a little emotional about it. "I think it's only natural to rebel against the idea that women should be smaller, quieter, less of a presence, easier to forget, hedging towards non existence. To me that is what a great % of people, at least in the good ol' USA strive towards witht he desire to be so small as to be able to wear children's clothing. Distorted bodies with childlike shape if you ignore the painfully stretched skin across their implants. Rail against that, please do and I will join you. For years I liked to say I ate anything that tasted good to me and that was my only requirement and you'll never see me ordering a salad in a restaurant, that's for THOSE girls, not someone real like me. I came to realize I wasn't doing myself any favors, the one flight of stairs to my apt left me with burning lungs, my thighs chafed in the summer until close to bleeding, my acid reflux was so bad I started wearing lacerations in my stomach...I could go on but even though I never made it past around a 14 or so what I was doing to my health was terrible. My idea of what is sexy and beautiful is actually pretty far from what a lot of folks think. Most of the actresses on teevee look sick to me, for awhile I couldn't even watch a few shows because of the visible chest bones, referred to as "the ladder" by hollywood. Lovely to have a nickname for it, eh?
I'm trying hard to battle apologizing for myself all the time. My first tendency is to apologize for caring about what I eat or that I want to talk about yoga or riding my bike or just the fact that I talk a lot. I think women in general (sadly) feel the need to excuse ourselves to the world too often and it is my belief that the best thing we can do for ourselves is to stop being sorry."

Our challenge has started and it's not exactly going according to plan for me but that's okay, I am regrouping. I really, really, REALLY want to update but it has to wait, I'm so tired I literally cannot keep my eyes open. I had a big exam this morning and our SDA (student dietetic association) meeting that I had to cook a pan of enchiladas for today. I did cook an absolutely fantastic vegetarian pasta dish I will tell you about and I feel great about my plans and myself at the moment.
Dear blog, I promise to update you asap.

An attempt to catch back up:

"I'm sorry you're sick! I hate so much the way illness interferes with one's life, even more than the actual yucky feeling.

What's the deal with the sodium? Is there more salt in what you're eating, or are you adding salt?

I put salt on SO many things, which may seem surprising given how often I complain about salt in processed food, but the amount you sprinkle on your food is NOTHING compared to what's in those packaged products!!

I've got some of those Mrs. Dash seasonings, they're actually pretty good. I don't like the original flavor, so I was always put off by it, until I had some Lemon Pepper variety. Very tasty. "

Being sick again really kicked me in the ass, knocked me down and then spat on my face. Okay perhaps not THAT dramatic but it feels like it. Nevertheless I am truckin' on despite not being totally well. I am still horking up unmentionables everyday and waking up with extremely dry nasopharynx and oropharynx passages. Lots of blood in my snot, etc.
So enough snotty talk. The deal with the sodium is that a lot of cheeses and sauces have high sodium counts and while doing the units on cardiovascular disease at school (hypertension and heart failure especially) I freaked out over sodium content and became convinced as well that it was the reason I'm not losing this weight I've gained back. A simple calculation one night showed me still eating low sodium, which is probably representative of most of my days, so I'm not really sure why I can't lose it this time. There are also "light" salt and "no salt" salt products (potassium chloride or half sodium and half potassium chloride) on the market. In reality I am pretty good with my sodium levels but I am frustrated with the weight situation. I want to have the option of wearing any of my clothes and I don't like feeling so squishy. The few pounds I lost finally recently are back though I hope they don't hang around. The body is a mysterious confusing thing. I've lost weight before, several times in fact and so my frustration level shoots through the roof because why is it not going the same way this time? Why is it so much harder? Argh. I am moving towards a completely different point of view but I feel torn. It would take too much time to go into that and I barely got this eked out.

Started yoga again, still loving being a vegetarian, went to the Foo Fighter's show last night and sat in a luxury sweet, it was awesome. I'm not a huge fan and didn't expect it to be as great as it was, so glad to be pleasantly proven wrong.
I am still very

The day I wrote that last post I was out in the wind for an extended period of time and that night my ears were hurting and I could feel fluid building up-I tried fighting it off and was somewhat successful until Saturday. So I am sick again, pretty badly and in fact had to call in to school this morning which I hate to do.
I'm having a hard time keeping my sodium intake under control while eating vegetarian. Yes I know it can be done and probably fairly easily but I just have not been up to par lately and it's getting me down.
I want to feel like me again, in more ways than one. Life in general is going pretty well though, but I'm off for now due to my pounding head.

It's bizarre. I have more energy than I know what to do with for the first time in years and I am rarely hungry and when I do eat I feel satiated on very little food, and it is genuine because I have sat and waited to be hungry and experienced genuine surprise when I'm not.
And yet it is bugging me just a teeny tiny bit, way down inside and I am ashamed to admit it, that the scale reads the same and my pants are still really tight.
Even when I accept in a big way that I feel amazing, and that I know logically I am doing nothing to perpetuate the sausage casing pant situation, it is annoying and a little disheartening.
Never fear, I persevere!

Finally tired, haven't stopped all day really and no time to even hang out with the internets.
I ride the train tomorrow for the first time (an actual train, not drinking a 40 oz or doing 'caine)and I am excited and nervous. EEK!
Still veggie, still loving it. At what point do I say I'm vegetarian and people believe me? Apparently a week is laughable, also earned me the nickname of hippie. Thanks guys!

Still loving my new lifestyle, it spurred a lot of thinking about why I like it so much last night while going to bed. I start back to school today so I really don't have time for a well thought out entry as my alarm clock did not go off this morning for some reason.
Weight is starting to drop, who the hell knows why. I've been extremely physically active lately (redoing that room, whole body aching in the morning) and definitely not eating too many calories and only whole, healthful foods and it has done nothing but stay the same or go up. So much for "calories in/calories out".
I read on the Kate Harding post that M@rla linked to lately that "human beings are not bunsen burners" and I love that statement.
I start riding the train tomorrow for my commute so that means a lot of walking just as part of my normal day from here on out-at least most days. I am super excited about this-I could write a whole post.
But I won't, at least for now.

I've gone up to 155 and pretty much stayed there for weeks now, I was hanging out at 145-148 for the last year if not longer so this sort of sucks. Not that this is a huge amount of weight but it is significant, affects my pants fitting me, and it sort of bizarre. I thought I wouldn't see those numbers again unless we had another baby and I saw them on the way up like last time.
Not Earth shattering news, not something I think about constantly, just weird.
Today is my third day of vegetarianism. I love it.

I've been away from here too long and it has been preventing me from returning. Isn't that strange? I think it is something we are all too familiar with, you the further you get from taking care of yourself mentally or physically, the harder it is to journey back.
So I'm back, I won't talk about the holidays or how proud I was of working out in a different city with relatives determined to make me feel guilty for taking the time. I won't talk about how I've been sick too much during my much needed break, or how damned cold it is in the garage and it has been a struggle to go out there lately.
Instead I'll say hello and state my intentions for this year:

To be positive in all things. This includes self care and a big thing I'm trying on at the moment, being a vegetarian. It feels right but I don't really like labels. If I choose to have a crabcake at some point I don't want idiots breathing down my neck and I'd be lying if I didn't say the people I am most concerned about (and ignoring anyway) are my in-law family. I can just picture uninformed lectures right now and it already irritates me, not really in keeping with the whole positive resolution is it?

"Well, I don't intend to discourage anyone from a goal, but those bad-ass assassin girls are putting A LOT of their time into this. It's not just a matter of emotional commitment, which we all know you have plenty of: there are practical issues as well - I mean, this stuff takes TIME and MONEY and it means cutting out other things from your life. You're married, you have a child, you're in school - you might have to give those up in order to reach that level."

First off I'll say up front that M@rla is one of my all time favorite fitness/weight loss bloggers and that I mean no offense in anything I say today.

This got me pretty down this morning but I have since completely changed my way of thinking around and am not discouraged but instead even more motivated. I felt like I was being told that I couldn't do it and why even try and holy shit how negative can I be some times?
Instead I will fully acknowledge that there are indeed many obstacles to my goal and I do have many added parts of life that I can use as excuses. I have actually spent a LOT of time doing just that over the last few years, angsting over this whole thing to a degree that is ridiculous and yet making little progress. I have mentioned it before but never has it hit home as hard as it has the last few days. I spend huge amounts of energy thinking about why I can't do things instead of expending much less energy simply getting shit done.
Take today for example: I wanted to get up at 5 again this morning like I did yesterday but our son had a fever last night and didn't want to sleep and I am still trying to adjust off cold meds so it just got later and later and I knew 5am was not going to be pretty if I wanted to make it through the day. So I reset the alarm for 6 and did get up after a bit. Our son felt really warm again this morning so I had to keep him home again. Things like this happen but it is my job then to figure out a work around, I knew he would go down for a nap at some point and that would be my chance. Well, as time went on I felt more and more tired and I'm coughing still and I could have easily laid my head down and fallen asleep. Instead I changed into my workout clothes, got him down for the count, and went and completed a kickass workout on the elliptical and chest/back day with weights. I definitely need to up what I'm lifting next time but I still feel like it went well.
I then came inside, took a shower, and sat around for a bit before realizing his nap would last a lot longer (from not feeling well) and I could lay down. I ended up getting a small nap and felt great when I got up.
I know that every day may not work out great for me but if I plan and plan smartly I believe I can be the person I want to be. I'm living as that person from this day forward.
I may go offline until some time next week; for the first time since I can remember I feel tired of being on the computer so I think I'm going to give it a break. We'll see, I could feel differently in the morning when I get up and want the routine.
If I don't return, Merry Christmas or Happy Holidays to every body!

The entire comment was great, like really great. I must be getting all the goods since someone isn't posting lately *wink

"There's probably a fine line between support and enabling, but my philosophy on marriage is that it's supposed to be a safe place for each partner. It's where you know yourself to be loved and accepted. So I think you're doing the right thing by not nagging him or deviously manipulating as I suggested earlier."

I think you're absolutely right that marriage should be safe, full of acceptance and encouragement and not manipulation or derision. I try my best to make sure he knows I love him no matter what, that there aren't strings attached, and I've tried to just emphasize I want an active partner to live life with, not some weird ideal for him to fit into. You know, when you become one of "the faithful" and diligently work out and plan your meals and know your macros and hell, even your micros, you want to convert anyone you come in to contact with and I struggled with that and my husband. Here's my best friend, the adult I spend the most time with and have fun with and I just wanted him to do every! thing! I! did! But I did wise up and cut that shit out, though I don't pretend it is easy. When he goes through spurts of working out I am very supportive and encouraging and when he stops I mentally duct tape my mouth shut because that is not for ME to comment on-why, if he commented on any of the times I've lost any semblance of a healthy lifestyle it would devastate me. It is sooo hard to think about the other view but I am doing my best. That is all I can do, this day and each day after.
I thought hard about what I want today in terms of my fitness level and appearance and I looked at pictures of women online that have that type of physique and can lift that kind of weight and that is my focus. I want that badass assassin body and that just hasn't changed. If I get where I don't frown about my body, even on those really bad bloated days and I am really. fucking. strong? I'll take it and grin from ear to ear.
With that in mind I did the best I could today with a lower body workout and 15 minutes of intervals on the elliptical. Believe me that was all I had and beyond as I am still technically limping along on the illness front. I say technically because I am determined to use "mind over matter" and to be well again. I will be healthy the rest of my break so I can enjoy it before I hit the ground running again. So much is swirling around the old noggin' concerning positive thinking and visualization-my head is pounding though so this is it for tonight, and that is good enough for me.

"I'm having similar issues with my husband. Thing is, he knows he's out of shape and actually bitches about it all the time. He knows he's lost a lot of muscle, that he's lost flexibility, and that his weight is high for him. But he keeps on with the Little Debbie Swiss Rolls by the boxful and winces when I suggest that he might think about joining my gym (we could work out together, I chirp, even though I really don't want to work out together, but whatever it takes, yo). He keeps saying that he just needs to walk every day, but doesn't even really do that. I don't care how he looks, but I do care that he doesn't feel good because of inactivity/eating junk. He's not resentful of my trying to have healthier habits, though. He takes far too much interest in it sometimes to the point where I start to resent it. "

My husband is in deep denial about his state of health, borderline high blood pressure is still not enough for him to do anything about it, it is borderline after all. For the longest time he would complain daily about how tired he was and how he had no energy and yet he never worked on his diet or exercised. Ugh. I have a hard time listening to people bitch about something sucking when they are doing absolutely nothing about it, even reading about what to do or just contemplating it would be okay with me, at least as an initial point. I cracked up about the working out together chirping, I've been there myself.
I got out of bed and walked in to the living room on my way to the kitchen the other night to get something to eat. I'd been laying there and my stomach was growling really loudly and I wasn't going to sleep. He asked me what I was doing and when I said, "eating" he made a sad face and said, "ohhh nooo." I got the big pissed off eyes immediately, don't dare and try and guilt ME about eating Mr. couch foam growing in to your ass, but in reality he thought I was having an out of control binge moment that get me down.
Some times I'm mad at myself because I think I DO care more about what he looks like, then some thing happens to show me that's not true. I just want him to be active regardless of what weight he is, when he gets up and works on things or has projects or even just goes for a walk with us, I am 100 x more attracted to him. I am just not into sloth on a daily basis (every body needs to chill some times, I know this.)
I think I'm on my way to being okay again, breathing out of both sides of my nose today and my head doesn't feel like it will explode anytime soon. My friends are urging me to take these megadose vitamins and I am struggling with this concept. They swear by them, and I am sick of being sick, and yet everything I've learned in clinical nutrition and biochemistry tells me that it is a waste and if you are taking the wrong ones, harmful. Meh.
I also sat in on a web conference about the safety of aspartame with speakers from Harvard and a group of toxicologists, not sure if I mentioned that. I thought it would be more interesting but it seemed biased, though the science that was presented I can't really fault.
Coffee is ready, hope everyone has a great day and avoids cardboard treats and hidden salt monsters.

PS WI: down to 151.8 today after ballooning back to 155.6 last Tuesday. I know it was water weight but it took a week to come off after I had been down to 151 even the saturday after I started this mess again. Two weeks in and I am down .8 of a pound.
At least it's not up and I'm not feeling deprived.

"Yeah, I hear you about the meddling/pushy thing. I would be FURIOUS with my husband if he left little hints around that he wanted me to change my perfect self in any way. Seriously, I would.

Here's another level of subtlety: you could get Women's Health for yourself, and while it's not as good as its counterpart, it's not bad, and I'll bet he'd read it if he came across it. Again, because of the photos ;-) Then you can ease into "hey, do you want the Men's version for yourself?"

Wow, that's so manipulative! Forget I said anything! "

I already get Women's health and I absolutely love it, I rhapsodize about it to him all the time and he thinks it's great I'm so happy....the end. It goes no further but maybe he thinks the title rules him out as a reader.

You know, if he tried to help me with things I am terrible about (organization, time management) I would bite his head off, but I think I am helping so therefore should not be offensive! yeah, double standard I am thinking.
Hopefully I'm on the road to wellness, I had to sleep with my mouth open all last night and my tongue got so dry from the meds and from the air that it split down the middle just like chapped lips, and believe me I have those too along with the skin around my nose. However, when I got up one whole side cleared out and I am breathing through that side with no additional medicine. If it doesn't improve I'll go to the doc since it is discolored. You wanted to know, I could tell my graphic description of the consequences of being a mouth breather got you excited.