I think it is worth mentioning that I have not had the crazy desire to eat everything in sight, including hoovering up my toddlers leftover tv dinner (yuck), yesterday or today. It simply stopped. I say simply but in reality I took some steps to make it happen and luckily my brain/body fell in line.
I need to reply to you guys' comments-but I'll just be honest and let you know I am so tired that it is everything I can do to just type this winner of an entry out-I nearly ran head first into our closet door this morning because I'm so tired when I get up I feel drunk.
I'm using sparkpeople again and will be purchasing a scale that does bodyfat % too. I basically went downhill when I got rid of our scale and while I think it was a good idea to break away from the constant weighing mentality, the number one way proven by a shit load of research to lose/maintain weight is self monitoring, meaning keeping a food record and weighing yourself on a regular basis.
It's taken hrs to write this much, started out then came back to it. I'm going to try and write more often by using that method since my life and my ADD like brain doesn't seem to be able to encourage longer entries.
My shoulder is alllllmost healed but not quite, as soon as I am fully functional I'll be hitting the weights again but in the meantime Im walking and taking the stairs at school. It's really the best I can do at the moment, but that's all about to change for the better as next week is finals and then I'm out for a month.

The size up pants are now barely fitting and my shoulder is hurt so lifting weights is out and even driving is difficult. I just paused in writing this to eat chocolate chip cookies after I was already full from overeating all afternoon/evening.

Sigh.

I want to take better care of myself but I need a buddy I think. I just can't do it alone anymore. Ideas?

So I'm wearing a size up again this morning. Drowning your sorrows in red wine and cheese doesn't make for a good maintenance program apparently. I actually took a preggers test again last night because I looked exactly as I did at about 4 months along and it was tight and hard to the touch. Awesome.
I'm getting my shit back together starting today, the operation went well, my mom is recovering and we are waiting to hear back about the pathology report and what we do now. I will hereby stop trying to be the perfect everything to everyone and refocus on my studies and my health.

Thank you.

M@rla and Kada! I appreciate the support and M@rla I know exactly what you were talking about with the rollercoaster thing, we've been on it with my grandma whom was diagnosed LAST November with mestatic breast cancer. We didn't think we'd even have last Christmas and here we are at Christmas part II.
Her surgery was yesterday and it went well. They took out about a foot long portion of the colon and then reattached everything minus lymph bodes and part of the mysentery (sac-like membrane around your intestines). She sat up today for a bit and was telling everybody what to do and how to do it so she is on her way. I say that with love. Seeing her all grey and obviously in pain yesterday really was...an experience I'd just as soon not repeat.
I'm not that interested in food and I've been sick again so no exercise but I'm holding it together.
I do think you all should update to entertain my pitiful self though.

Drinking too often and baking are not exactly conducive to good health, but they were a means to and end for me this weekend and now we can move on with me making healthy choices. I did have a goal of dropping 8 lbs by the new yr to finally be at the size that I've been striving towards for several yrs now but that is sort of out the window. If I happen to achieve that while making the absolute best choices I can, being strong for my mother and my own little family-then so be it.
My NEW new goal is to be as physically active as possible each and every day. Today I shall dress appropriately for walking a lot and may visit the gym during lunch. I'll go get ready for that in a moment. My glands behind my ears (sides of neck) are swollen and hurt to touch and my head hurts-I know part of that is due to not enough water and just poor habits this weekend. Our son is also sick with a terrible deep cough and off and on a bit of fever I think, so no telling if I have caught that too, the other two times I got a bad cough the actual cough did not show up for a few days.
Anyway, I'm coming to grips with the fact that my mother, the most special person in the world, has cancer. M@rla, thank you. So I'm going to go make a nutritious breakfast and get dressed in my coordinated sweat pant outfit (I'm supposed to dress professionally so I am compromising in order to get daily activity without changing clothes for it) and go to school where we will talk about weight management that I could not care less about now that the Big C is looming over me.

Everything we're talking about in class right now could be a post on it's own, so I plan on doing that one section at a time.
However, last night I ate disgusting pizza and drank a lot of beer after being told my mother has colon cancer.
And not surprisingly, it didn't help.
I'm going to need to focus on taking care of myself more than ever or I'll fall completely apart.

I had intended on typing out a long entry about what's been going on lately and yet I think spending some couch time with Husband is more important right now. I have to get up early to be at the hospital in the morning (to work, not for any bad reason) and so I'll be hitting the sack early. It'll be hard to get all my work outs in this week with being there all day Wed and Thurs but I'll do the best I can. Right now my quads are so sore from yesterdays workout I snuck in at school during lunch that I've been hobbling around all day like I was the main attraction in a donkey show, I hate to think what I've looked like wincing and shufflin' along.
I've set goals and plans and the like and am following through accordingly. It's only been two days but every new beginning has a start.

Blogging is good for me, orderliness and accomplishment make me feel so good, and every time that I avoid such behaviors I feel badly. I'm sure it's a chicken and the egg situation but nevertheless-here I am.
Got a kickass workout in tonight! It deserves an exclamation point, yes indeedy. I did shoulders, biceps and triceps along with my 18 minutes of intervals. Despite not working out since last Friday I kicked up the resistance to a 3 for close to the entirety and I am super proud of that. For clarity I could handle an 8 on the machines at the gym but level 1 one ours kicked my ass for quite awhile and so a 3 is pretty killer. Last time I thought I was awesome for doing 2nd level with some 3rd level thrown in as often as possible. Each time my cardio resistance handling capabilities advance it means a lot to me. Cardio has always been my biggest challenge and I feel like I'm finally making progress in that area. I know the muscle I have built all over my body is allowing me to advance and I am still really liking doing a body part split routine. Shoulder press (one armed) 17 lb dumbbell for two sets of ten, then 15 lbs for 3 sets of ten. When I feel like I can't possibly do one more rep focusing as hard as I can on the muscle and the contraction will get me two more I have found. I also talk to myself. Shh, don't tell anyone. Same weights were used for 5 sets of curls and 5 sets of tricep overhead extensions (like a pullover but standing). I didn't have to do that many negatives this time on the heavier sets and I felt like I couldn't do anymore for sure when I finished all 5. Hitting it as heavy as I can and still get past 5 reps with that weight-then dropping a few lbs and hitting it again is thoroughly exhausting my muscles in a way that hasn't happened on this consistent of a basis before. I felt sick all day-sore throat, fatigue, etc. so yeah I am a bit full of myself right now. And I should be *pat pat pat
Oh I also cleaned out my car and vacuumed it, washed two loads of clothes and rotated the dishwasher. I need some positivity and I'll be recording it here. I hate that I feel like I need to apologize for listing off things that are good that I've done. Hopefully I'll stop with that bs if I just keep at it.

I've seriously considered letting go of blogging. I think it contributes to the amount of time I spend TALKING about the good things I can do or will do and takes away from the time I could be doing such things. What keeps me from doing that is a) I really do like to keep up with you people and your lives and b) I have learned SO MUCH from my fellow bloggers working on their health and fitness levels that what I am now learning in an expensive, accredited, time consuming, stressful professional uni program has not added a lot. I know a great deal of the information before they even open their mouths. I bet I am frustrating them, ha! I keep it to myself most of the time, no worries. I am not THAT girl.
I reigned the food back in to an acceptable, non self hate level yesterday and it was hard but felt good and not so hard that my compulsions completely overrode things. I think my newest method (I always have to try new ways to be healthy because I get bored so easily and then grow lax) is to focus on my nutrient levels (calcium, vit C, etc) since I know how to calculate them in my head pretty well now. I thought I got my requirements in because I do try and eat a varied diet but when I am in unhealthy beat myself up with food mode, I know I do not meet any but maybe Vitamin A. Vit A is so easy to meet and exceed.
So, working on that and hopefully will get a workout in tonight. It has now been about 4 days and it is really bugging me, I want to be out there lifting and bouncing away on the elliptical in my intervals but something has a hold of me (sore throat, migraines, wonky tummy, fatigue) and I'm doing my best to just go to school and do small things around the house. Hopefully I can do that tonight, though with our current weather I'll need a space heater. Can you believe that? It was 90 during the day on Sunday and dropped to the 50s yesterday and 40s today bringing with it a massive rain storm yesterday morning that I got to drive in (with Dallas traffic) in order to take an exam. Guess what? ANOTHER exam this morning that I'm unprepared for but am having a hard time caring about...
I'll get back on here later, time to force myself to slow down and chat on a regular basis so there isn't so much in my head wanting to explode. Maybe it will help with the migraines*.
*if they make you want to hurl because it hurts so badly, I say migraine)

PS I did my arm workout this week with the 16 or 16.5 (whatever it works out to be) dumbbell and I completed five sets. Some of that was negatives but I was suprised at how little, I mainly did the reps fully at the higher weight. Getting closer to my 20lb goal.

Thanks for the well wishes and concern, I was not sure when I would be myself again but I think I am roughly back to being OK. I did just eat a goat cheese and fig leftover pizza for breakfast but that was my choice and then when I walked over to start coffee making I looked at the last few muffins I had baked that I've been gorging on and was able to say, "No, I'm full." See, that was the missing element lately, I would tell myself I was full and then eat it anyway followed by multiple other items. It definitely felt compulsive and unstoppable.
I got a cold or something that manifested Thursday and kept me home from my you-should-never-miss school program. I am thinking my weirdness that would not stop was partially related to that along with my sadness over my son leaving and just the insane amount of stress I am usually under. I cannot wait to graduate and be done with this bullshit already! Sick of school. Is that obvious?
I guess that bothers me too, I have always liked school ever since I went back of my own volition and wasn't forced there like high school and below. I am intelligent, I enjoy learning, and science fascinates me-yet I think I just hit the nail on the head about why I sort of hate it now. I feel like I am being forced to be there a lot when I am completely disinterested and I am disappointed in the program itself. This has caused me to waiver in my desire to be a dietitian but that is gone and I once again strongly feel that my job is going to be awesome. I think I'll focus on contract work in the field of Gerentology-older folks are ignored way too often and I like them. There are more reasons but that is partially why I am leaning that direction.
M@rla, if shoulder presses consists of using a dumbbell and basically doing an overhead press but with one arm at a time, I do that now. If that is not it I am always open to new ways to work out. I love doing those because it also strongly uses my obliques and doesn't tweak my shoulder joint that using a barbell can easily do. Also, despite feeling really cool, doing the clean and jerk even with light weight and doing my damnedest to have great form aggravates the sphenoid process of one of my thoracic vertebrae and actually makes the bone sore I am also thinking that can't be good, and if I take the weight down enough to not do that it's not a worthwhile exercise for the rest of my body. I'm sure I'll try again, maybe get stronger first-not sure.
I hate that I go in cycles-where this seems easy and awesome and fun and I start looking really cut, even to my critical eyes, and then I slip back into depressed followed by fluffy and start again. I will give myself credit though-this time I mostly still did my workouts which usually fall to the wayside as well.

It's been great to hear from everyone.

I've tried to think of what I've been doing that is working so well for me and while I've been mulling that over I've launched into one of the most destructive phases of my life. Eating until extremely ill for days with no sanity in sight. Constantly telling myself to stop hurting myself, that I don't need/want to eat "you name it" and yet in it goes and I haven't been able to listen to the pleading or berating in my head.
This stops now. I'm going to study a bit, plan and pack clean food for all day tomorrow, and in the morning I am getting up early and completing a yoga session.
Damnit, I can't go on like this, I want to get back to the amazing way I've been feeling and I have to figure out how to conquer the self sabotage. I admitted I was doing something that worked and then it went downhill in a hurry.
I should also mention our son is about to go visit out of state grandparents for five days and I am depressed about this. Yes I know it's five days but we are usually attached at the hip and I love every minute of it.
I'll return when I have something worth reading to talk about-like as in tomorrow.

What a week! It's just been non stop on the go-ness around here and I am wearing down, thank God tomorrow is Friday. TGIF is so cheesy but damn if it isn't true this week.
I'm not up to the 20 lb curls yet (that's each arm not total) but using 14.5 I was able to do five sets so I am going to bump it up next time and see what happens. Also, night before last I did five sets of flyes using 17.5 on each side for the first three sets so I'll do that again and hopefully do all five. That sounds like a lot of reps but it's broken up into little segments-I do three min elliptical and then 2-3 different exercises and then get back on the trainer for three more min, etc. I do this until I hit 18 minutes on the elliptical and my muscles are usually completely toast at that point. That night was chest and back so I did flyes and rows over and over and then some Yate's rows the last two intervals. My chest especially is still very sore, so in other words KICK ASS. Yeah.
Breaking up the cardio has actually made me like it too. I thought hell would freeze over before I liked cardio but 20 minutes used to seem like an eternity and now (roughly) 20 minutes flies by no problemo.
Still not watching my food intake too closely, I eat whole foods mostly and lots of veggies and fruit. I'm getting leaner each week and it sort of freaks me out after all the toil and trouble I've put in to find that for me exercise is the big determinate, not so much my diet. Don't get me wrong, I eat well but I thought I needed to be so much more exact and perfect and well, I don't. Hopefully I did not just jinx myself.
Wearing a bikini last Saturday night did not even phase me, that is how good I felt in my own skin. I went off the slide about 15 times in the pitch dark with the stars hanging overhead and it felt awesome. I also jumped off the top level side, so about a 25-30 ft drop-only did that once, ha!
My quads are getting more defined, I mention this because it's a big deal to me, my legs have always been a "sore" point for me. When I lost weight the first time on ww I still had unsightly cankle having weirdly shaped legs. Somehow it shifted after having our son and now I'm doing well on building muscle and I'm getting an inner thigh quad bump instead of just the outer one, so maybe a nice v shape is going to appear the more bodyfat I drop. I don't know. I am happy with my body. That short sentence is huge.

202nd post, weird.
Legs were Thursday night, shoulders and arms were last night. Same idea-3 minute intervals on the elliptical trainer interspersed with overhead presses and curls. Yes I have poo poo'd curls for quite some time but I can't deny they fatigue my arms well and that I would like to be able to curl higher numbers for an entire set. Immediate goal is to use 20 lb dumbbells-I can do that amount now but not for a whole set. Last night I used 14.5 and I was able to do a lot of them so obviously I need to bump that up but my weight set is sort of arranged funny and the next step up would be 18 lbs and I'm not sure that is realistic either. Meh. I need to get some of those magnets that let you increase in smaller increments.
I am sore all over today, especially my obliques, I guess keeping this body upright while doing the overhead one arm press did the trick. Doing just two sets of crunches and oblique twists last night was more difficult than I expected, presumably because of already using my core quite a bit in the last two nights. Working out, not sexxing you perves. Or is that just me? Ha!
I gotta hit the books HARD while the Husband and our child are out grocery shopping for the impending party we are having at 1 today that I am not ready for, more mentally than physically. I still want to write about the whole you and your environment thing I've been mulling over, I wish there was time.

Another legs workout completed, I incorporated something I saw on a Crossfit video (M@rla, I love watching them too and want to be able to do the stuff they do). I noticed some people using a balance ball to do a ton of fast bodyweight squats, basically lowering your butt to the ball before coming back up-more than likely a good way to make sure you are going low enough and also to learn balance. With a BALANCE ball? Crazy!
Deadlifts, bodyweight standard and sumo squats, walking lunges, and calf raises where you go up on both then back down with only one-read about it on Skwigg, something she'd doing in physical therapy and it clicked in my brain as the reason why my calves hated me for days recently. I like to use the stairs at school as often as I can (shoes permitting) and one day I had thong sandals on that make a really loud noise if I walk normally so I was tensing my legs quietly placing the sandals on each step-doesn't make sense typing it but basically I was really concentrating my movements in the calves and lowering myself slowly with one leg at a time, same concept.
Mid workout I came inside to get more water and noticed my quad literally bulging about half an inch out maybe, very cool. I made Husband look and he claimed to see it but may have been humoring me.
So I did the afore mentioned exercises interspersed with elliptical training 3 minutes at a time between each set. Oh yeah and I did the plyometric jumping thing where you come up off the floor out of a full squat and jump as high as you can, did about 7 of those as fast as I could and sweat was flying off my head. Awesome.

So yes, I'm still trucking along as an active person. Missed doing yoga yesterday because I felt like crap AGAIN and went to bed really early. It started trying to happen again tonight and I took Claritin and it cleared out enough that I could still function. I've been trying to avoid it because I was afraid taking it daily last week is what prompted the severe allergic type reaction I had Friday night that took away my whole weekend.
This weekend I am hosting a wedding shower for 30 guests at our house, then attending a wedding at a wine bar/winery, and then driving out to our friends' houseboat for the night and next morning. We'll see if my new fancy quads can help me to actually ski this time. Not excited abotu wearing a bathing suit after I thought I had already dodged that bullet this year but maybe I'll just keep a shirt on, screw 'em if they think I'm weird. Or maybe, I'll be really crazy and wear my bathing suit and not care if I look "fat". Damn right.

My legs were sore all day in that nice, you know you worked them hard sort of way. We went for a walk tonight as a family, dog and all, and pushing a stroller with a 35 lb toddler up and down hills adds a nice level of activity. We all three got in the shower (in turns) when we got back and it felt nice to put my old ratty nightgown on and to sink on to the couch. It wasn't an extreme workout, but it was a pleasant time spent with my loved ones living an active person's life. That's what I'm doing, living an active person's life until I truly am that active person. I want to be that person that exercises daily forever and ever. Don't get me wrong, I am not a stranger to workouts but I want it to be a more consistent part of life viewed in a more healthy manner.
Food is doing fine on autopilot, I have to study now or I'd write more.

I just could NOT sleep last night and so even though I insisted (somewhat annoyingly) on hitting the sheets early, I did not get up early this morning like I had planned and I bit poor Husband's head off when he asked me if I wanted the light on (I have him do that sometimes when I'm having a hard time rolling out of bed.)
No workout and I'm sluggish but this can still be a good day.
Thinking positively.

I did it. Despite a stitch in my side and wobbly legs, I went ahead and did my elliptical cardio/lower body weights workout and I have to admit, I'm proud. I'm sitting on the couch feeling crappy again but at least in the midst of the crappiness I got my workout in, I could have sat here and not done it and not felt any better than I do now.
Also? Taco Bell is not good fuel, it may taste good but it sure did come back to bite me the whole time I was out there.
Things are looking up!

I just polished off a grilled stuft beef burrito and a cheese quesadilla from Taco Bell with a pepsi. It has been YEARS since I drank Pepsi and probably around a year at least since I had the Bell. I won't lie-it was very tasty, and now I am ready to move on from eating crap to make myself feel better this go 'round.
This has been a very frustrating weekend for me. I have been low physically, and as a result mentally. I missed out on a night with my friends that I have not seen for months and have missed workouts that I would have enjoyed, and the whole time I feel guilty for not feeling well. I see it as a personal failing even though that is completely irrational.
In my dreams last night a severely overweight woman asked me over and over to tell her how great my life is now that I've lost the extra weight again and I exercise and eat healthfully as a rule, not as a challenge. I tried to think of things to tell her and all I could come up with was I can squeeze through tight spaces like between cars easily and I can wear cute clothing (which is actually somewhat of a negative too because I want new clothes all the time whereas my old wardrobe lasted years and years and I didn't really pay attention to it.) Basically I am feeling crappy that I make a lot of effort the average person doesn't and yet I still feel poorly quite often and there is always something wrong with me. It doesn't recommend it too much sub-conciously I guess.
I live this way now though because it IS the best thing for myself and I have more of a chance at feeling good doing these things than I did without-I didn't feel good then either and at least now my behaviors can build me up rather than tear me down.
I hereby vow to take care of myself to the best of my abilities, including mental care.
I think I'm finally on the mend, tomorrow I hit our garage gym for lower body and cardio and then a bike ride or a walk to round it out. We bought a rack for my weight plates, I got new lifting gloves since I lost mine, and it is all organized and put back together again. And now I will go and take a "power nap" hopefully so I can get up and kick my school works' collective ass.