Last night I drank too much and went out to eat even though we had food already cooked here at home. Good choices? No. The day went poorly, rainy and cold with a dash of depression over my grandma. Maybe I need to fall back on counting my food when I have a day like that because my good choice maker seems to be broken at those times. I don't know, we'll see.
My planned workout for today is not happening because I feel so bad from the beer and subsequent broken sleep. It probably wasn't a good idea to schedule anything the day after a lifting day, I woke up with my upper body in serious DOMS, it's usually my lower body that is sore but apparently I finally hit my upper as hard as I should and my limited abilities to really lift heavy here at home without a spotter didn't do enoughfor my lower.
I think I will start going back to the gym once or twice a week so I can really push to lift as heavy as I need to see progress.
I've progressed to doing my push-ups off the weight bench instead of the higher trailer. I think I mentioned I can do them on the floor now but not many and not with good form so I think I'll continue on the weight bench until that becomes too easy and then we'll see what I find next or if I go straight to the floor. I don't think my pecs have ever been this sore.
Today should be interesting, mild hangover while taking care of our child and then going to a three yr old's birthday party, by myself with no help from the Husband who is off duck hunting for the weekend.

My first bumps in the road cropped up yesterday. I woke up sore all over and the previous days thoughts of, "Yoga is awesome!" shifted to, "Fucking yoga." I decided to reset the alarm and have a rest day, and yet...when I got up I realized that it was mainly my lats that were sore from all the plank, upward dog and push up positions, and I could have in fact done my cardio. At least I think I could have and there must be something to beat myself up about right? I fell off my happy self esteem summit yesterday but I'm scrabbling back to the top today.
Let's review: What made me have a not so great day? I skipped my planned workout because of perceived severe soreness while still laying in the bed, never a good idea. I should have at least gotten up to hit the loo or something and then reassessed. A big part of my new lifestyle is resting when my body is telling me I need it, something I tend to ignore usually and then I crash and burn. So I don't think it was a total loss, just a learning experience. No workout started the day badly and then: I didn't really try and balance my meals that well, ate mindlessly several times, and then proceeded to eat a salty dinner, which was followed by a trip to Br@ums for a peanut butter cup mix. I do not think the ice cream was a misstep in itself, I only wanted a few bites and that is all I had before giving it over to the Husband, but the chocolate tasted waxy to me and really wasn't worth it. The salty food was a reaction to drinking too MUCH water yesterday, I think I got low on sodium and then overcompensated, should have stopped drinking water when I started feeling funny.
Then there was the biggie: measuring myself when I had decided not to do so anymore, until I can get my head straight. I also stepped on the scale this morning, another no-no. Is that being good to me? No. I am still not at a point where I can detach from numbers that should mean nothing when my clothes are fitting fine and I feel good.
This morning I got up, did a full body free weights workout (my arms are shaky still typing this, good sign) and then came in and cooked myself oatmeal and an egg white omelette. I am back on track taking care of me and I am good enough, not lazy, not a failure, and not doing damage to myself.
Gap jeans that were super tight last time I tried them on fit easily this morning, take that inner naysayer!

New to me veggie of the week: Leeks. Inspired by a recipe in the new grill cookbook we got at Christmas, and then reading about a soup with leeks on a friend's page, led me to buy a bundle of leeks this week as part of my new effort to try veggies either in different ways or different veggies all together. I grilled the leeks as suggested and they turned out really well and immediately make me think of egg rolls when I bite into them without the added bad business of MSG, grease, or sodium. I can definitely see eating them again chopped up into some type of Asian inspired dish. Another big deal about this is that I actually followed a recipe out of a book that we own. I'm not sure what my hangup is, but I get overwhelmed when reading recipes and usually shut the book and never try anything. I have many lovely cookbooks that I have never used in the years that I have owned them. Online is different somehow, I've done recipes from various googlings, but not the books. So, new veggie: check and cooking from a recipe book: check.
Also, even though my back is really sore from yoga yesterday, I tried doing regular push-ups and even though my form was probably not great, I did it-three in fact before I told myself I wasn't doing it properly, or it was a fluke. More of the negative self talk I am sorting out-even now I'm sort of leery of stating that I can do a push-up, because if I state it I am either boasting (bad) or it won't be true next time I try (bad). I crumpled and got out my measuring tape halfway through the day-measurements are up except thighs and I know it is from bloating, I've had issues all day that aren't worth mentioning. I am not letting it get me down, but I am bummed a bit that I got the damn tape out at all. This is what I'm trying to break myself of, I even let some pts counting sneak in before I caught myself earlier. None of this! Grrr.
I bought some nice lined black velvet pants form Ann Taylor over the holidays, size 8, last pair they had, marked down from $98 to $19.99. Over the last week or so worry would periodically crop up that, "Oh sure you're all happy and free now but you won't be able to wear those pants you got that you were so excited about now, good going." Guess what? Pants fit better than when I bought them, so shut up negativity.
Thoughts are too jumbled, I have so much to say bouncing around but I am never satisfied with how it comes out here, perfectionism maybe.

I rolled out of bed this morning and tried to convince myself that I could skip practicing yoga, I needed more sleep, I would do it later. After staring blearily into the mirror for a few minutes I started putting my workout clothes on and even had the heart rate monitor strap around my chest, fumbling for the watch that goes with it, when my husband asked, "What exactly are you doing honey?"

"I'm getting ready to go do yoga..." I answered. "It's two in the morning." "No it's not, it's six." After checking my watch with the light up screen feature I realized I had four more hrs to sleep and I'm not sure what the hell happened, but PAT ON THE BACK for me because I was getting up on 3 hrs of sleep determined to practice yoga. No wonder I felt so tired during my self convincing speech.

At 6 o'clock I got right out of bed, after all-6 was nothing after getting up at 2 (I normally roll out of bed around 9 so this is a big deal for me) and I put my gear back on and proceeded to do an hr of power yoga. For the curious, 400 calories burned for an hr of the yoga tape I love (this is including warm up and cool down). I have wondered what kind of expenditure I could expect from doing that dvd and now I know and I am such a dork but I love my heart rate monitor. And if you think it is in inaccurate, please don't tell me. I think it really is accurate because of how exhausted I am afterwards, the shakiness of my entire body and how hard I can feel my heart beating during hard poses. Plus, Rodney Yee loves going through vinyasa or sun salutations.

I cannot believe I have been awake since 6, worked out for an hr, showered and dressed by 8:30, and enrolled our son in MDO for Wednesdays. He's already signed up for M-F at another location and I think he is going to love it. Mama will be the one crying I am sure, but there is no other way and I know it will be good for him. Organic Chem happens to be only available during the day unless I want to take the insanely hard class. Not so much.

I feel so good, so free. Letting go of this strange desire to in essence, disappear or make myself smaller, has lightened my heart. I am sure I will have scared moments with letting go this control I've had the last several years. The planning and scrutinizing of food, of calories, of me. I ate some 2% cottage cheese earlier and was happy in not measuring it-I didn't even measure with cups and such like some people do and yet not even mentally measuring was good, I just thought, "How much would I like to have, would fill me up?" The thing is, without FOOD being suck a focus it has lost its power. I've probably eaten LESS today than I would if I was trying to not eat much, sort of the Margaret Cho diet, or the Frenchies don't get fat idea. Don't get me wrong, I don't think I can magically stop worrying about it and not gain weight and keep on getting leaner. My focus now is TRULY (like I have claimed several times) on getting stronger and adding muscle and healing my mental weirdness-my self developed eating disorders. I am not part of that anymore and I like myself more each day and I am startled to see how dangerously thin a lot of women on teevee are today. Watching Las Vegas the other night kinda threw me for a loop with the visible rib cages and angular faces. Anyway, I took the pictures at top to put on my sparkpage and liked both of them, and was able to SEE the shape to my arms and shoulders and they just made me happy and I wanted to share.
I'm just so damn happy, I think I've met someone new-myself.

I happened to click on one of the top points leaders on sparkpeople and read that she enters all her exercise in ahead of time for the week. Seems like an insignificant thing right? Well I decided to try it myself as it connected for me that several of the most successful people I've read do just that, even if it's not in spark. Two of my preplanned workouts have already been checked off and I am feeling very optimistic and confident that I can keep up with things and be so much happier.
Many times have I said to myself and others that I won't count pts or calories anymore, and then I go back to it. It's scary, it means letting go some and actually trusting myself to make good nutritional decisions. How am I ever going to be a good nutritionist for others if I can't do this myself, for myself? It feels wonderful so far: I am following a BFL/GI Diet way of eating but that is purely because I think it's the best "no counting" way of eating for good health/fitness. Don't get me wrong, I still want to get in even better shape but I am also working on accepting myself as I am now. Negative self talk has really crept in over the past 4-5 yrs of dieting. I am done with dieting, it has turned me into this stress monkey control freak that is perpetually unhappy with my body. I always had a good attitude about myself before, regardless of size or shape and I want that thinking back. It's a chain reaction: I stress about food, I snap at my loved ones (which affects my marriage and friendships), I'm never happy with anything (or anyone), and no matter how far I go it's not enough. Well, I AM good enough and it's time to put up or shut up.
Yesterday we walked so long that my feet finally hurt and my legs were tired-the DMA has a Van Gogh exhibit which ends today and we tried to visit that but the line was 2 hrs long and with a baby that does not compute. So we walked through downtown Dallas over to the World Aquarium, which has been redone and is even better now, and then went back to the car and drove to Cuba Libre for dinner. It's Cuban/S. American food and delicious. They make frozen mojitos and excellent jerked steak tacos, and we tried dungenouss crab flautas for appetizers. Wow, and I enjoyed it guilt free, along with a few Coronas with lime at home and an ill advised Cosmo. Don't worry, hubby hardly drank at all, we don't believe in being smashed at the same time with our baby in the house, some of our friends do that and it worries me. Anyway, I drank lots of water and took some Alleve and slept a good 10-11 hrs. Full body workout accomplished when the baby took his nap and I am still shaky and feel wonderful. A combination of static contractions and negative reps really took care of business.
This is all over the place and not well written but I'm afraid this loud ass keyboard is going to wake the Boy. Hopefully I'll be able to explain this better to myself and to anyone that may pass by-ACK, I knew this keyboard was too loud.

We've been to the grocery and I feel in control again and like this is not a problem. What an amazing difference it makes being prepared and having the right tools to achieve such seemingly impossible goals. If you try and go about half assed then you are just asking for heartache and trouble.

Note the fresh fruits (Fuji apples are hiding under the clementines), full veggie drawer, and my water glass and baby carrots I'm currently munching. The pink/brown notebook is where I write my food, water, exercise, and what I'm grateful for that day. I'd let that fall by the wayside as well. Coincidence?

Last night went downhill in a hurry, in fact the sled must have been greased up with Crisco it went so quickly. I ate waaay too much after doing pretty well all day and ended up sitting on the couch feeling sorry for myself. Sparkpeople, my new best friend, says I can eat in the 1375-1700 calorie range, well according to my calculations I ate 1685, but you know that no matter how much you try your count can be off and I'm not going to get that crazy anyway. Back up the pound I had lost from that excrutiatingly hard day. I like to weigh daily so I feel like I'm in control, which may sound horrible to a lot of people but it's how my mind works. My mother says it's not our fault that we're bossy and controlling, we come from a long line of teachers. I am choosing to adopt that theory. So, I realize that weight is not real, but the longer I dither about with getting rid of the holiday pounds, the more real they become. Ever notice that? If you gain some weight that you KNOW is just bloating/water weight and immediately bust ass to get rid of it, it's not that hard...but if you let it hang around and then bounce up and down it becomes real poundage and takes forever. At least that's the way it is for me.
I had a real whingefest last night. Why can't I just be naturally thin? Most of the thin women I know/meet do confess to not doing much to get or stay that way and it flat out pisses me off. I am not fat at this point, I realize this, but it makes me angry that I have to work really hard to have a decent body-not even a great one like I want.
That type of thinking is counter productive and I know it, like I said it was a major pity party for one. I'm past that and determined to kick some ass again. That means grocery shopping as soon as I'm showered and dressed. Yes I blew it off last night and now have to drag the schweet babie out into the cold and wet to go this morning, but he likes to go on outings and I don't forsee any others today.
So: grocery shopping, tracking what I eat but not worrying about calories in such detail, and either elliptical, yoga, or weight training. The elements of success are here and I know them well, just have to get in gear.
On an aside though: I have been exhausted upon waking every day for at least the past two weeks and today I feel recharged somewhat. Time to wear myself out!

ACK! I can't comment on my own darn blog, but LME thanks for the note and I looked up Fresh Direct but unfortunately it's only in the NYC area for now. Other companies also seem to only service areas like NYC and Chicago, at least none in DFW that I have found yet.
I roasted a pan of frozen green beans and have eaten almost the whole thing. I decided to see how that might taste as every other veggie I've tried that way has been great-green beans are no exception. They get really dried out but I'm not into squishy veggies anyway. I have to find more ways that I can enjoy veggie besides raw and roasted-I pretty much hate steamed unless it's edamame.
The tree has come down, been thrown in its box, and all the other decorations put away. This season has probably been THE most stressful I've had in years and I was so close to feeling the "magic" again like I did years ago as a kid. All of the obligations and "must do" type things squased it for me though-hanging with the in-laws does that to me. They are super wonderful people, caring, generous, good intentioned, and yet there is so much pressure when you're around them. Not to mention I have yet to actually stick with healthy habits during extended visits. I did workout twice this time but that really wasn't enough. I should have been doing that every day and not drinking wine every night and eating all the munchies and general crap I always end up consuming with them. ANYway, roasted about 3 cups of green beans and ate about 2 of that...geez. Overeater much? Hopefully I can get the grocery shopping done once my husband gets home but I may blow it off again, 'cause that's productive right? I have to go, not having the right options at home makes me eat poorly and I know this.
Things I have read recently: High Intensity Trainig-Arthur Jones method and GI Diet-Glycemic Index Diet. I ought to write a post about those, hmm?

Swimming through molasses-best description I can think of at the moment, and remember I have syrup coating my brain. I didn't fall face first into the sweets, at least not as badly as I could have-there did happen to be quite a few white chocolate peppermint incidents but I've moved past that.
Yesterday was my first official "good" day in the past week, and it felt horribly difficult. My appetite rampages out of control and the fuck it attitude reigns supreme. Or at least it did, but today feels relatively easy-amazing how that first day tends to be the hardest. We need to visit the grocery something awful, but I feel so terribly exhausted that making the list and lugging the Boy around just sounds toooo haaaaard. Meh, I'll suck it up and do my adult responsible things 'cause that's the way the world works.
Got my Pol@r heart rate monitor/watch and it's really inspired me. I have all the tools, just gotta shake off the quicksand. Happy New Year! I wish I had that fresh start feeling, continuing the same thing after 3-4 years just feels old, not exciting.

I was making so much progress, Sunday night I got so many comments about how much I had changed/improved physically and then I proceeded to eat like total crap since then. Sigh. Back to basics.

The final countdown to Christmas has arrived, I did a cardio workout this morning on our elliptical trainer and I have busted my ass for days now getting the house as pefectly clean as I can. I am exhausted. My weight is acting crazy so I am ignoring it for the moment, my plan is to minimize the non nutritious eating and drinking and to keep up with my workouts. I'm too tired to post a well thought out informative entry but have recently read a fascinating book on weight lifting and am excited to see what happens. Blargh-tiiiiired.

No workout yesterday, I am drowning in my own fatigue over here. Also, even though still eating low calorie I went back up half a pound-I realize that's not the end of the world, but if the scale is not going down the least it can do is stay the same. I know what I need to do, mainly exercise, I just have to dig deep and find the energy. I wish I had that burst back that I had last week, I had to force myself to just straighten up around the house last night and that made me feel so tired and I went to bed early even though I got up late. Weird.

The level of ass kicking equates directly to how often I update. Logging in today and noticing that I did not update the last two days makes me stop and wonder, "Did I not update because the scale has stayed the same for the last three days and I have done no intentional exercise?" or, "Did my lack of updating affect the amount of effort?"
A chicken/egg situation if you will-do I lose my mojo and then stop writing, or do I stop writing and then lose my mojo?
I'm doing my best to just get through today, either yoga or elliptical tonight, food will be on track though I am wanting to eat all day. I've been sitting on the edge of "new territory" scale wise for three days now and it's just not going over...gotta make that extra push.

My back has received the short end of the stick lately. A fearsome ache started building momentum hours ago and has achieved full roar by now. I stuck to my guns yesterday regarding nutrition/fitness, even after going to one of my favorite restaurants and I did NOT feel deprived with my choice. I ordered the halibut fish tacos and had 3 small bites of two different desserts (thats three total, not three each.) I then started hankering for red wine, but decided against it because I tasted the dessert, one sugar should be sufficient. I have a vague plan that if I want dessert I won't eat bread or drink-interchange those key words in the sentence, rinse repeat. The familiar litany of, "I'll just take a rest day today, my body aches" started up this morning, but I still worked fairly hard in the front yard for a little over an hour instead. I then had my best friend over to make handmade ornaments for presents and still did not eat out of plan. The scale flashed up yesterday's weight again this morning, first stall since getting my act together this time, just like I thought it would (sidenote: I ate restaurant food and expected even a tiny gain though I was very reasonable in my choice, so a maintain did not disappoint.)
I can't wait to see what tomorrow holds, happiness has returned since those horrible classes ended.

The Fates seemed to be against me this morning-the Boy would not take a nap, my yoga dvd would not register in the player, and Christmas decoration boxes are stacked up at the end of my weight bench where I normally stand to do overhead shoulder presses with the barbell. However, I persevered-5 minute warm up on the elliptical trainer, then a full body workout as follows:1 set overhead shoulder press, seated instead of standing (to avoid the problem of perhaps twisting my knees trying to stand and straddle the bench), set of walking lunges on each side holding 18 lbs (maybe more, this is from memory), another set of presses, set of deadlifts holding dumbbells, inclined pushups off the side of the trailer, then flys done on the weight bench. Tedious typing this out? You betcha! Okay, then more walking lunges, same as before, then lots more pushups but off the weight bench this time so much harder (much closer to being horizontal), tricep push over my head, then finished up with calf raises.
THEN. I came inside and did some stretching on my mat: down dog, plank, reclined relaxation, some spinal twists, and some hamstring/glute stretches. Oh and some pilates ab work.
Wow this is probably the most poorly constructed entry ever, but I don't care at the moment-my arms are hurting holding my arms up to TYPE because I was such a badass this morning. I forgot about the backbreaking yard work last night and this morning too, only 20 minutes total, but still a good extra effort.
I have dropped 4 lbs since Monday so something must be going right. Like I said, now I'm at 145.5 so it should be intersting what happens next since the "fake" lbs are gone.
Going to an Egyptian exhibit today at the Kimball and then hopefully finishing up all my gift wrapping tonight.

Exhausted today, back aching and eyes heavy-I should be engaging in my yoga practice right this minute as the baby sleeps and yet I feel too hungry to do so. Have I gotten off my ass and actually made something to eat? No. Last night marked the last final of this semester and so I am actually free today, but I know it will take awhile for it to sink in and the stress to melt away a bit. I had to ask my husband to roll blue star emu crap on my back last night it hurt so much, and then on the way to the grocery this morning it hurt badly in the car. The thing that passes as interesting here, is this is all from studying, and I know that yoga would HELP, but that may have to wait until later. I am not falling off the horse, just trying to get sorted.
Sparkpeople rocks! Or at least so far it looks amazing, yet I feel too mentally fatigued to play with it much at this point. I am excited at the prospect of maybe finding some people to bike/walk with in the DFW area, I have a great bicycle that I have hardly used because it is really not safe to go alone around here, though I have done so a few times (nervous the whole time that something would happen). Maybe I just need a pistol holster mounted somewhere, ha! Then I would fall down and shoot myself and no one would find my deserted body before the rabid squirrels got to me.
Back to 146 this morning, started the week at 149.5, so obviously this consists of water weight, or maybe these same pounds that keep ponging around come off easier? When it gets to 145-145.5 I know it will stick for awhile, maybe go down a pound, and then that happens to be the number that I self sabatage ever single time. I've lost nearly 30 lbs AGAIN, and yet this last 10-15 keeps digging in for the long haul. So annoying.
Reading about compulsive eating and trigger foods has really hit home for me, and I am no longer going to put myself in positions that are setup for failure. I don't know I throw myself in with things I KNOW I have a hard time limiting/experiencing wisely and then berating myself for this "weakness". What the hell? Do I like feeling badly? That's rhetorical but I'll answer anyway, "No!" I hate to restrict anyone around me but I told Hubby he may just have to eat pizza with other people and he didn't batt an eye and just said, "Okay." Boy, that was sooo hard, right? Ugh. Okay, pizza, specialty breads, casserole type dishes, chili, chips, goldfish, cookies (esp. cookies), and alcohol to name a few-just get.to.me. Enough is enough, maybe that will be fine for once a week during maintainence, but I am not where I want to be and behaving as though I am only gets me stuck here longer. Healthy habits, healthy lifestyle, and giving myself a break by not constantly going on this crazy for me only show of "Temptation Food Island."

Every muscle in my body aches, or at least it seems that way to me this morning. Rodney Yee's Total Body Power Yoga should definitely be considered a strength building program in addition to flexibility training. Walking the halls of my college Tuesday night at a rather quick pace found me somewhat short of breath and in turn, scared. No reason exists for someone of my age and previous (short time ago) fitness level, to be regressing so far to the land of huff n' puff.
One last final exam tonight and then I'm free, to do what I want, any old tiiiiiime. Well if you are not counting the constant time constraints and responsibilities of being Moe-ma.
The scale inches downward again, I've done three intentional workouts this week and am feeling in control once more. Here's to breaking that "low" and blasting through to the other side.

Just a quickie: Eating is still somewhat off track but I worked out again a bit ago after a much too long break and I am feeling sort of high. Finals this week, then I am kicking some major ass, mine to be specific.
I have a sick baby to attend to, but there is so much to say. Be back soon hopefully.

I haven't stopped wanting to write or gone off the deep end either, I am just insanely busy with school work. I'll probably get a chance to update this weekend...I'm still reading and silently (for now) supporting.