After losing down to my all time low again, I have promptyl gone back up to a whole nother set of numbers and must start over. PHOOEY. No worries, I was sick when I lost to the low but I believe it was not a dehydration state, but merely because food didn't sound that good to me and I ate tons of soup, drank no milk, and basically south beached it in a good calorie range. All I need to do now is halt the free for all and eat all south beachy again and ta da! Or at least this is my hope, I may get more than I bargained for since our son has thrown up today, had disgusting diapers, and my husband and I are both feeling nauseated. I feel extremely tired too, and from what I can tell my little crew feels the same way.
Thanksgiving went well though I ate too much, the food wasn't even all that spectacular, but I ate too much anyway. I can thank red wine for that I'm sure.
So, crappy post-but I wanted to check in.

My back decided to cooperate and heal fairly quickly, but I have been MIA because I am sick as a dog. I am not sure why dog sickness is a measuring stick for severity, but by God, dogs get sick. I am no so ill indeed that I had to scrap my plans of working in Tulsa this weekend and flying home Sunday, and instead am sitting here alone, sick, and slightly crazed with cold meds. I was finally ready to quit mincing about, ready to start taking care of my health right and proper...but that seems to be the way it goes. I'm constantly in a phase associted with kicking of ass and taking of names, or in a phase that would promote fear of salt being sprinkled from above (slug like, get it?). Sigh.
Did I mention cold meds? Yeah.

My back, it is tweaked, and this, it makes me angry-a bit.

Weight going back down slowly despite all of the interferences, don't know what today will hold since it hurts to walk around, and that is not usually helpful when trying to exercise.

What a long day...still dealing with various aspects of my grandmother's diagnosis. We have yet to get any hard cold facts-they are not in any hurry to get a biopsy scheduled, which leads us to think they know it's late stages, but even so would you not want to make her as comfortable as possible for as long as she has left? She is in pain and I am helpless, we're all helpless.
I woke up this morning with renewed purpose and determination to stop screwing around with my health, and yet I still did not eat as cleanly as I would have liked and did no exercise. Sigh. Maybe tomorrow? Each day seems to be derailed by one thing and then I think, "Well I might as well eat this, drink that, have a smoke-I'll restart tomorrow." BAH. That is not a winning attitude, that is the type of thinking that lands me gaining weight and/or maintaining.
I will forge ahead, I have to take control of something.

Bad Mood Blues.

I drank a monster drink and ate a small handful of white corn chips after writing my post about eating so cleanly, go me, etc.
Ah well. PMS , she is a bitch.
Also fighting myself about a workout today, where's the easy button?

Victories so far on Common Sense Plan:

• I resisted the urge to weigh myself even though it has only been two days. Weighing constantly and shooting up and down in mood because of it is NOT common sense. It is crazy, and afflicts many people including myself. We all know it is bad to feel negatively towards yourself because of a number changing by half a pound, etc. but I think it is detrimental to feel GOOD because of the same thing too. I'm trying to focus more on feeling good that I ate only nutritious foods, or I exercised and blessed my heart and lungs. It is very hard to think this way personally, that angle has always been part of this whole weight loss/fitness thing, but I'm an honest person and vanity has taken precendence. Vanity and pride, not really good things to make friends with on a daily basis for years. Pride comes into play because I always try to be the best at any thing I do, even though I sort of hate that quality sometimes, and I especially wanted to prove I could lose the weight after having our son.
• I HAVE eaten only nutritious whole foods, no diet drinks or goldfish crackers, Halloween candy, or tortilla chips. I am very proud of this because I had definitely slipped up as far as that is concerned. I think I had landed in crappy food land due to focusing so much on points/calories and dropping scale weight. It is not impossible to do that and stay true to what is actually good for your body, but it is hard for me.
• I have gotten in two really good workouts so far and am feeling like I can get back in a groove. Treading lightly is the name of the game at this point so I don't stress out and drop it altogether again. Any movement is good for me, and I am striving to really believe that-it is working I think. Yesterday was an hr of power yoga (I am so SORE today) and today was 20 min of elliptical training at a speed that kept my heart rate at target or a bit over the whole time. 4.5 miles.

• Some of my friends have secretly planned a girlie night this Friday, partially to cheer me up about my grandma's health situation. I requested that we make something healthy for me to eat and also piped up and stated my no alcohol/smoking policy. I always feel like a huge tool when I say anything to my friends/family in that area, but it needed to be said and I'm glad that I did. Why should I feel apologetic and lousy that I am trying to be the best me possibly?

So anyway, good things are happening, I am super tired as usual and think I may go have a lie down for a bit before my little buddy wakes up and needs some Mama time before I leave for school. Here's hoping for a tiny nap.

I've hit upon a "plan" of sorts that I am ready for, I would even say craving, after the last few weeks of sloth and unhealthy eating. Weighed in this morning and am up to 148.5, I was hanging around 145.5 so as I said, no big damage done there but my MENTAL state is damanged and crying out for help.
I'm going whole hog, cutting out alcohol, smoking, desserts, extraneous carbs like chips and goldfish crackers, green tea with artificial sweeteners, frozen dinners, CRAP FOOD, etc. etc. forever and ever Amen. Okay maybe just until Christmas, but the point is no empty nutrition, watching portion sizes, and I am excited. Leniancy and "relaxation" has morphed into acting like I have forgotten all I've learned about eating not only for weight loss, but for life.

My grandmother has cancer and it has scared me in the biggest baddest way possible. I am living for a lifetime again, not just the moment.

I plan on easing back into exercise by going back to yoga. I felt the best when I was just doing that three times a week and once you find what works for you, it makes no sense to stop. That's the plan-go back to what makes sense.

We found out my most beloved relative, my grandmother, has late stages breast cancer that has more than likely mestasized into her bones. Eating is rubbish, no exercise for weeks. I feel that I'm on the verge of coming to my senses, but for now I'm walking around in a fog and my brain feels dusty. I can't be bothered with doing anything good for myself, though I make progress each day in returning to my former habits, habits that I have held for YEARS now that seem to have disappeared overnight. So far I haven't gained more than 3-5 lbs, depending on what day it is, so I remain physically unscathed, but mentally wounded. Boo.

Well my own comments window is not expanding in order for me to reply to comments, so I'll have to write here instead. Potatoes, po-tat-oes, right?
Savy, I appreciate the comment, it helps immensely when someone takes the time to stop and say a word or two, especially when I admire that person's dedication and perseverance. I think you know very well what it feels like to put a lot of effort in towards something and to feel frustrated with bouncing around in the same little range of numbers. I am going to continue on and just try and do better, I don't think I can really ask anything else of myself. Eating well and getting regular exercise have become who I am over the last few years, so quitting isn't an option, I just need to come up with a game plan to drop these last ten pounds.
What I don't have is a good consistent exercise routine. The only time I've done something consistently was when I was doing power yoga for a little over an hr three times a week. I would walk occasionally but I put no other pressure on myself other than to complete those workouts, which were not easy, but also provided me with a stress relief that I haven't experienced otherwise. I'm not sure what to do at this point, even though during my extreme yoga stint I maintained and even developed plenty of nice visible muscle, I could not shake the feeling that not doing interval cardio and lifting free weights was not okay. Now we have nice equipment out in the garage for the first time ever and I would feel weird not using it. I think I have to work out some type of hybrid...hmm.
Anyway, current plan is to mainly focus on getting an exercise routine down and not to hyper focus on nutrition at this point, though not to let it slide much either. Night school is sapping my will to live, but there's only 6 wks left. I can do this.
I wanted to write a more cohesive, in depth post than this scattered hodge podge but our 15 month old is not allowing that this morning.

Where to start? I'm a mess.
I had full intention of behaving myself while in Tulsa, which is extremely hard for me to do because my lovely MIL (that is not sarcasm) always has delicious food and wine. If we are not eating the delicious food she provides at their house, we are going out to eat at great restaurants. Cry me a river I know, but this does not bode well for weight loss efforts. She mentioned in an email that we would have spaghetti for dinner Friday night with some of the family and I asked if it could be made with lean beef and she said yes that is all she uses. So far so good right? Well, I made the salad and it was awesome but of course I forgot to ask about dressing and there was this greek vinagrette stuff that was very tasty but of course full fat. Strike one. Then I have spaghetti and a very reasonable portion, go me right? Wrong-three big pieces of melted cheese/garlicy butter bread and 2 or 3 cookies later, I felt sick I had eaten so much and THEN I had three glasses of wine. Okay regroup and do a better job tomorrow I thought. Got up, had F1ber one cereal and coffee, then went for a fast paced 45 minute walk through their hilly neighborhood. Score! Fixed brunch which was turkey bacon, toast, and eggs. I skipped the eggs she made with milk and TONS of butter, full fat cheese, and ham and made myself an egg white/toast sandwich which was also a good choice, and then proceeded to eat maybe 6 or 7 pieces of the turkey bacon. WTF? I already knew dinner would not be a good choice and really there was nothing to do about it since we were going to a tailgate held by family members before homecoming game. There I had a shot of jaeger, two beers, and two bowls of frito chili pie with huge amounts of cheese. So much for that day. Sunday: no breakfast and then a huge burrito thing with fried potatoes for brunch, and then I ordered "greek pasta" at the pizza place on the way home, trying to do something good, and it comes out so covered up in olive oil that it looks like soup. I barely eat any of it and then one piece of small sausage pizza and feel gross the rest of the night. I'm not really trying to give a blow by blow of my food intake but I'm just saying it has been like that for me for awhile. Up, down, up down, and then Monday night I ate so much I literally started throwing up a little. That is some scary stuff, stuffing yourself to that point. I sat there feeling miserable knowing that my husband was about to come home with the chai tea (nonfat! who am I kidding) and big ass chocolate chip cookie from St@rbucks. Yes I ate that too.
Two workouts this week with a little extra cardio on my weights day to try and make some ground up-I'm at limbo yet again and am wondering if I should just try and maintain since that's what I'm doing anyway. I'm three sizes smaller than when I started last year and that may just have to be good enough until I get that burst of motivation that I always do...eventually.
It seems a lot of bloggers are faltering or feeling frustrated and I miss everyone's posts so I thought maybe I should put a post out there and hopefully get some to read in return, ha! Blogging kharma or something, yeah.

Obviously, no matter what I tell myself I DO buy into what the scale says. Even though I managed to make myself workout Saturday, I think going up everyday despite the work I was putting in really did a number on me. While watching the Biggest L0ser last night, the women on the red team kept saying they were afraid they would get on the giant scale and have gained...I think it's a common fear for people trying to lose weight that no matter how hard you try it's going to back fire on you or it's not enough. Saturday night: I had decided to stay within a certain calorie range so like a brilliant dumbass (you like that?) I mixed a martini without eating dinner first, and it just went downhill from there. I vaguely remember making a peanut butter/jelly sandwich before going to pass out and not even saying goodbye to our guests. I felt like the biggest tool in the shop when I woke up Sunday.
There are many more ramifications beyond that night's calories as well. I got up and felt destroyed even though I didn't drink THAT much, and so Hubby insisted on going to eat brunch because he wanted something greasy and I went along even though I did actually to my credit tell him no several times. So I went along and I did alright on my choice, but then I came home and slept for 6 hrs. There went the entire day, not only no workout but no general movements either if you are lying in the bed like a coma patient. After sleeping all day I took a sleeping pill that night to try and sleep some more and get back in the swing of things but of course I never even went all the way to sleep-just went in and out of it-and so I've felt crap ever since. This entire week has been awful, all because of my calorie counting-drinking ways on Saturday. I didn't even get a workout in until yesterday and then the rest of the day I felt like I'd been run over. These classes and the demanind sleep (or lack thereof) schedule I'm on have combined to kick my ass.
Oddly enough I've eaten decently the last two days and the weird pounds that came on last week are gone and I'm back to 145 even. Now if I can remove another lb. I'll be back to my low and back on the way to new territory. I don't know when that will happen on the scale but as long as I don't gain weirdly and I get smaller, I can stay at this weight for all I care. (Ok the 130s would be awesome since I don't remember ever weighing that small.)

This really struck me:


“You don't have to overeat in this culture to gain weight,” says Dr. Lewis Pincus, medical director of the Methodist Health System Weight Management Institute, ToLife!, in Dallas. “All you have to do is show up and not have a plan, which is basically how it is for most Americans.”

More later on my lack of planning and state of mind.

I woke up and thought I would workout. I weighed myself and saw now a 3.5 lb gain, all from this week, despite eating on track and working out everyday, and I was angry and did not want to workout. I fed the baby and didn't want to workout. I ate breakfast and drank coffee and didn't want to workout. I watched teevee and surfed the net and DECIDED to not workout. Our new LCD teevee arrived and I definitely didn't want to workout, I wanted to see my Hubby happy and excited. I decided to measure my waist and saw another half inch gone and decided to work out. My brain is weird.
Workout stats are improving, yesterday 3 miles in 20 minutes and today? Today 4.3 miles. Woot!

Two kickass workouts, back to back. I am proud of myself, something I don't say or think often enough. I tried to type an email earlier and kept writing self deprecating things and backspacing. I never realized fully that I do that as much as I do. So anyway, upper body weights and then 20 min on the happy fun device (elliptical) that has left me dizzy but in a good way. Level 2 makes my heart rate hit the 180s, which is my max and not necessarily where I need to be working out at, so I alternated btw 1 and 2 to stay around 160-165. I better hit the shower before John Reid starts requesting my company. Happy.

Up another half a pound, to 146, and in case math is not you thing, TWO POUNDS up from the low I was so happy I finally achieved. It wasn't just the scale number either, I felt thinner and I felt like I could wear any thing I wanted, was a smaller size, etc. It's all in my head though, the new clothes I got on the weekend still fit well-I'm such a nutcase I tried them on, convinced that they would be a bit too tight now or something. I keep thinking I'm not really that size, it's a fluke, they must be cut big, vanity sizing, etc. Why can't I just accept I really am smaller? When I look in the mirror I don't actually SEE myself I think, even though I look all the time, inspecting, patting, pinching. It's weird. On a positive, non-crazy note, I no longer dislike my body or its parts, and I'd say that's a huge step forward. My legs are actually looking pretty good and they used to be the target of my negative self thinking, or at least the biggest (no pun intended) focus. My legs were weirdly disproportionate to my body, and I had the whole cankle thing going on-now I can see my quad muscles coming out, I noticed a bump close to my knee and realized it's actually muscle! Anyway, crazy thinking on the way out, positive thinking on the way in-yay!
The point about the numbers is, whatever reason I'm up that much has nothing to do with fat and I know it. I'm struggling big time again with this sickness (real not mental) and my throat is killing me, ears hurting, glands swollen. I'm still going to attempt to work out today, I think it won't hurt and if I feel too badly I'll wait yet another day though I don't want to.

Cardio did not happen. In fact, getting up early did not happen-last night when I laid on the bed it was as if I couldn't move, my husband literally rolled me around to put the covers on. The wall was hit and it continued on this morning. Sleep took priority this morning and that is fine, I'll just make up the workout tomorrow on top of upper body weights or workout on free day. Despite my heaping servings of chock full of sodium spaghetti last night, I'm only up half a pound. Of course that makes me a pound and a half up from last week which sucks, I tried to hold it together while we were away. Ahh well, onward right?

PMS has hit with a vengeance. I only had a small bit to allot for dinner out of my day's calories and I promptly ate two large bowls of spaghetti with turkey italian sausage in it and lots of parmesan cheese. The first bowl was a bit too much and I went back for more. Heartburn ensued and so I started thinking chai tea made with skim milk. After discovering the box to be empty I tore into a tin of gingerbread cocoa, found that it was so damn old I couldn't even budge a spoonful. It might have been 6 yrs old, come to think of it-IN TO THE TRASH. End result: honey vanilla chamomille tea made with skim milk and splenda. Delish.
I had a great workout this morning, legs shook at random all day and I'm feeling the ache right now. Cardio tomorrow. I'm not sure why I go crazy every time I get evidence that I've really made progress. Frustration.

Three morning workouts in a row. This is not my beautiful house, how did I get here? No really, it's been fine-I get up around when Hubby and our little guy get up and straight into my workout clothes. I think that's part of the key here, also-knowing I only have to walk out into the garage to workout instead of getting in my car and driving 15 minutes to the gym.
Today was a lower body lifting session, and I can see already I'm going to have to become more organized in order for this to not be a huge pain in the ass. The bench I bought has a leg extension/hamstring attachment that you put a stack on and I was excited about that. Not so much the extensions as I try and protect my knees now, but the hamstring curl in particular. Well the way it is set up, you can't fully curl because there is a preacher curl arm stand in the way. It looks as if I can take that off at whim, but since Hubby put it together I'm not exactly sure how. I checked the instructions on assembly and that is probably the worst instruction manual evah. The bar collar things still completely suck, I know they need to be able to keep the weights on there but damn are they hard to open and get down the bar. I'm learning.
I'm thinking I also need to get a little notebook and record my sets so I know where I'm at without taxing my superb memory. Riiiiight.
I tried again to do a 5 minute warm up on the elliptical and AGAIN it completely kicked my ass on anything other than level 1. What the hell? It's as hard as it was back when I smoked and first started working out-several years ago. I guess it's got a lot to do with the stride and the fact that I've been sick for weeks now and still dealing with allergy crap.
John Reid is sick, poor little thing. Listening to him breathe is breaking my heart, and I wish he could blow his own nose so I didn't have to wrangle him down and use the suction bulb. It's like cat herding, surely that burns calories?

Fear started eating me up, fear that even though the new exercise equipment was out in the garage I would not use it, I'd make excuses and still half ass it along, and it would be a waste. We got it Wednesday night and had zero time to put it together before leaving for OKC Saturday morning bright and early. It's a little over a 3 hr drive to get there and so after driving up Saturday morning and back home Sunday afternoon, not to mention getting very little rest though we had a great time, I was practically delirious coming home. It didn't matter, I marched my butt outside and started sweeping the garage floor, cut the box open, and started trying to pull stuff out to assemble the elliptical myself. Hubby came outside and grumped about wanting to relax and to put it together with me instead of me alone doing it, and I told him to go back inside if he wanted to rest but I was not stopping. We got it together that night (Sunday) and yet I still did not use it. Yesterday morning's workout was powered by sheer will, I got out there and did an upper body workout and enjoyed the new bench and weights, though it was still like slogging through quicksand. Lots of sitting and staring into space, and the collars for the bars hurt my hands to open them which was highly frustrating. I didn't give up though and this morning my upper body is sore. I got up early, got dressed immediately to workout, and sat around for a long time yesterday, but I did it. This morning I put the same clothes back on because I didn't even sweat in them (I said I sat around a lot) and went out there, watched the View, and did 20 minutes on the elliptical. I had to stop multiple times, on LEVEL ONE (ACK) and my chest burned the whole time. I guess it is more accurate to say I did about 17 minutes, I finally decided I had done my best and felt like I was going to die. I think it's the allergies that have been haunting me, the HR monitor said 85-94 bpm, but the counters on the screen were all crazy so I have to read the book to figure it out. It said only 40 calories for the whole time and the ones at the gym say around 170 or more.
I've been at a point where cooking sounds like torture, and I'm sick of it. Considering I cook every single day for myself and my family this has been hard, this feeling. Hubby grilled a ton of different lean meats weekend before last and I made some squash with sauteed onions, and I ate that all week. It was awesome. I also had him buy some lean cuis1nes, even though I usually eschew frozen dinners and it is so nice to just pop it in the micro. I just ate salmon with a lemon dill sauce, pasta, and veggies, fuji apple for dessert. I recommend that particular dinner, it was delicious and 4.5 pts of 240 cals, whatever your mode is.
Alright, I have more to say, about shopping this last weekend in particular, and my disconnect between my actual size and what I think about myself, but Microbiology and Chem II await.

I mentioned spurning the scale again, and of course that has not happened as of yet. This is due to not being able to start working out heavily yet, and so I stepped on this morning because I felt thinner, and yes I am now down to 144, lowest weight ever recorded in the history of man. My BMI is healthy and has been for a little while, and yet my bodyfat percentage is still way higher than I would like. I think it's because I seem to have a lot more belly fat this go 'round after having our baby. My waist would always get smaller before when I would try and workout and eat properly and this time, not so much. It's funny how hormones can change our body compositions so much. It was always my thighs before, and now its my stomach (okay and still my lower body, but less so.)
So yeah, I go off the chain completely and BAM four days back on program and I'm at a new number. One day after my official weigh in, I'm down a pound and a half from last month's number, which just goes to show you how ridiculous the number thing is, and even though I don't want to think about it, that could very well be partially muscle mass. Argh. Today I am not thinking that way though, no-today I am being positive about what I have and forging ahead in all areas of my life. Damn right.