Friday, August 15, 2008

This week has had many awakenings for me, huge shifts in my mental state and a feeling of clarity dawning that leave my mind racing and make it difficult to sleep at times. I mentioned not too long ago that for years now I've strived to constantly grow-to learn, to try new things and since sitting down and really thinking about what I wanted to do (hint:it was not running a call center or being the top tier tech support whipping girl)and deciding upon teaching in some capacity, I believe it's finally coming to me what to do with my life. Extremely poorly constructed sentence there but I'm just going to press forward.
For the past few years I have experienced the most joy I've ever known and been violently depressed and fearfull at the same time. It seems that would not be possible but now that the husk is being shed I see that how I've felt is not my norm and that I can be so much more alive. I say extreme joy because there is no other word for how our son makes me feel and what I have with my wonderful husband. On a completely selfish personal level I have not been right, aside from them, aside from the many good things I have and experience on a daily basis. I've felt broken at times, wondering why I have all these things, material and emotional and yet I would feel like a caged animal, frantic and worried and full of fear. Hiding my head in the sand regarding school, using the telephone, talking to people, being in new situations-so much fear. I used to be fearless, brave, a viking conquering new things and places and people with aplomb and I've wondered what happened to me. I'm not entirely sure but I can confidently say I'm throwing off that mantle and returning to a more authentic me, but new and improved.
It's amazing how casting off self doubt and worry allows my mind to sharpen, my strength to return and my will to no longer falter. I don't claim to be perfect but I am capable of great things when I'm not severing my own Achille's tendons.
I'm setting goals, I'm defining my purpose and I'm putting in the work to achieve a higher level of living. I'm doing this and I want to help others in their own lives-to experience wellness on a complete level and not just with nutrition. My mind scrabbled about like a crab in a bucket every time I've limited my future to purely being an RD, working a typical job sitting behind a desk admonishing people to follow the Food Guide Pyramid. The scope has been widened and I'm feeling good.

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