I was making so much progress, Sunday night I got so many comments about how much I had changed/improved physically and then I proceeded to eat like total crap since then. Sigh. Back to basics.

The final countdown to Christmas has arrived, I did a cardio workout this morning on our elliptical trainer and I have busted my ass for days now getting the house as pefectly clean as I can. I am exhausted. My weight is acting crazy so I am ignoring it for the moment, my plan is to minimize the non nutritious eating and drinking and to keep up with my workouts. I'm too tired to post a well thought out informative entry but have recently read a fascinating book on weight lifting and am excited to see what happens. Blargh-tiiiiired.

No workout yesterday, I am drowning in my own fatigue over here. Also, even though still eating low calorie I went back up half a pound-I realize that's not the end of the world, but if the scale is not going down the least it can do is stay the same. I know what I need to do, mainly exercise, I just have to dig deep and find the energy. I wish I had that burst back that I had last week, I had to force myself to just straighten up around the house last night and that made me feel so tired and I went to bed early even though I got up late. Weird.

The level of ass kicking equates directly to how often I update. Logging in today and noticing that I did not update the last two days makes me stop and wonder, "Did I not update because the scale has stayed the same for the last three days and I have done no intentional exercise?" or, "Did my lack of updating affect the amount of effort?"
A chicken/egg situation if you will-do I lose my mojo and then stop writing, or do I stop writing and then lose my mojo?
I'm doing my best to just get through today, either yoga or elliptical tonight, food will be on track though I am wanting to eat all day. I've been sitting on the edge of "new territory" scale wise for three days now and it's just not going over...gotta make that extra push.

My back has received the short end of the stick lately. A fearsome ache started building momentum hours ago and has achieved full roar by now. I stuck to my guns yesterday regarding nutrition/fitness, even after going to one of my favorite restaurants and I did NOT feel deprived with my choice. I ordered the halibut fish tacos and had 3 small bites of two different desserts (thats three total, not three each.) I then started hankering for red wine, but decided against it because I tasted the dessert, one sugar should be sufficient. I have a vague plan that if I want dessert I won't eat bread or drink-interchange those key words in the sentence, rinse repeat. The familiar litany of, "I'll just take a rest day today, my body aches" started up this morning, but I still worked fairly hard in the front yard for a little over an hour instead. I then had my best friend over to make handmade ornaments for presents and still did not eat out of plan. The scale flashed up yesterday's weight again this morning, first stall since getting my act together this time, just like I thought it would (sidenote: I ate restaurant food and expected even a tiny gain though I was very reasonable in my choice, so a maintain did not disappoint.)
I can't wait to see what tomorrow holds, happiness has returned since those horrible classes ended.

The Fates seemed to be against me this morning-the Boy would not take a nap, my yoga dvd would not register in the player, and Christmas decoration boxes are stacked up at the end of my weight bench where I normally stand to do overhead shoulder presses with the barbell. However, I persevered-5 minute warm up on the elliptical trainer, then a full body workout as follows:1 set overhead shoulder press, seated instead of standing (to avoid the problem of perhaps twisting my knees trying to stand and straddle the bench), set of walking lunges on each side holding 18 lbs (maybe more, this is from memory), another set of presses, set of deadlifts holding dumbbells, inclined pushups off the side of the trailer, then flys done on the weight bench. Tedious typing this out? You betcha! Okay, then more walking lunges, same as before, then lots more pushups but off the weight bench this time so much harder (much closer to being horizontal), tricep push over my head, then finished up with calf raises.
THEN. I came inside and did some stretching on my mat: down dog, plank, reclined relaxation, some spinal twists, and some hamstring/glute stretches. Oh and some pilates ab work.
Wow this is probably the most poorly constructed entry ever, but I don't care at the moment-my arms are hurting holding my arms up to TYPE because I was such a badass this morning. I forgot about the backbreaking yard work last night and this morning too, only 20 minutes total, but still a good extra effort.
I have dropped 4 lbs since Monday so something must be going right. Like I said, now I'm at 145.5 so it should be intersting what happens next since the "fake" lbs are gone.
Going to an Egyptian exhibit today at the Kimball and then hopefully finishing up all my gift wrapping tonight.

Exhausted today, back aching and eyes heavy-I should be engaging in my yoga practice right this minute as the baby sleeps and yet I feel too hungry to do so. Have I gotten off my ass and actually made something to eat? No. Last night marked the last final of this semester and so I am actually free today, but I know it will take awhile for it to sink in and the stress to melt away a bit. I had to ask my husband to roll blue star emu crap on my back last night it hurt so much, and then on the way to the grocery this morning it hurt badly in the car. The thing that passes as interesting here, is this is all from studying, and I know that yoga would HELP, but that may have to wait until later. I am not falling off the horse, just trying to get sorted.
Sparkpeople rocks! Or at least so far it looks amazing, yet I feel too mentally fatigued to play with it much at this point. I am excited at the prospect of maybe finding some people to bike/walk with in the DFW area, I have a great bicycle that I have hardly used because it is really not safe to go alone around here, though I have done so a few times (nervous the whole time that something would happen). Maybe I just need a pistol holster mounted somewhere, ha! Then I would fall down and shoot myself and no one would find my deserted body before the rabid squirrels got to me.
Back to 146 this morning, started the week at 149.5, so obviously this consists of water weight, or maybe these same pounds that keep ponging around come off easier? When it gets to 145-145.5 I know it will stick for awhile, maybe go down a pound, and then that happens to be the number that I self sabatage ever single time. I've lost nearly 30 lbs AGAIN, and yet this last 10-15 keeps digging in for the long haul. So annoying.
Reading about compulsive eating and trigger foods has really hit home for me, and I am no longer going to put myself in positions that are setup for failure. I don't know I throw myself in with things I KNOW I have a hard time limiting/experiencing wisely and then berating myself for this "weakness". What the hell? Do I like feeling badly? That's rhetorical but I'll answer anyway, "No!" I hate to restrict anyone around me but I told Hubby he may just have to eat pizza with other people and he didn't batt an eye and just said, "Okay." Boy, that was sooo hard, right? Ugh. Okay, pizza, specialty breads, casserole type dishes, chili, chips, goldfish, cookies (esp. cookies), and alcohol to name a few-just get.to.me. Enough is enough, maybe that will be fine for once a week during maintainence, but I am not where I want to be and behaving as though I am only gets me stuck here longer. Healthy habits, healthy lifestyle, and giving myself a break by not constantly going on this crazy for me only show of "Temptation Food Island."

Every muscle in my body aches, or at least it seems that way to me this morning. Rodney Yee's Total Body Power Yoga should definitely be considered a strength building program in addition to flexibility training. Walking the halls of my college Tuesday night at a rather quick pace found me somewhat short of breath and in turn, scared. No reason exists for someone of my age and previous (short time ago) fitness level, to be regressing so far to the land of huff n' puff.
One last final exam tonight and then I'm free, to do what I want, any old tiiiiiime. Well if you are not counting the constant time constraints and responsibilities of being Moe-ma.
The scale inches downward again, I've done three intentional workouts this week and am feeling in control once more. Here's to breaking that "low" and blasting through to the other side.

Just a quickie: Eating is still somewhat off track but I worked out again a bit ago after a much too long break and I am feeling sort of high. Finals this week, then I am kicking some major ass, mine to be specific.
I have a sick baby to attend to, but there is so much to say. Be back soon hopefully.

I haven't stopped wanting to write or gone off the deep end either, I am just insanely busy with school work. I'll probably get a chance to update this weekend...I'm still reading and silently (for now) supporting.

After losing down to my all time low again, I have promptyl gone back up to a whole nother set of numbers and must start over. PHOOEY. No worries, I was sick when I lost to the low but I believe it was not a dehydration state, but merely because food didn't sound that good to me and I ate tons of soup, drank no milk, and basically south beached it in a good calorie range. All I need to do now is halt the free for all and eat all south beachy again and ta da! Or at least this is my hope, I may get more than I bargained for since our son has thrown up today, had disgusting diapers, and my husband and I are both feeling nauseated. I feel extremely tired too, and from what I can tell my little crew feels the same way.
Thanksgiving went well though I ate too much, the food wasn't even all that spectacular, but I ate too much anyway. I can thank red wine for that I'm sure.
So, crappy post-but I wanted to check in.

My back decided to cooperate and heal fairly quickly, but I have been MIA because I am sick as a dog. I am not sure why dog sickness is a measuring stick for severity, but by God, dogs get sick. I am no so ill indeed that I had to scrap my plans of working in Tulsa this weekend and flying home Sunday, and instead am sitting here alone, sick, and slightly crazed with cold meds. I was finally ready to quit mincing about, ready to start taking care of my health right and proper...but that seems to be the way it goes. I'm constantly in a phase associted with kicking of ass and taking of names, or in a phase that would promote fear of salt being sprinkled from above (slug like, get it?). Sigh.
Did I mention cold meds? Yeah.

My back, it is tweaked, and this, it makes me angry-a bit.

Weight going back down slowly despite all of the interferences, don't know what today will hold since it hurts to walk around, and that is not usually helpful when trying to exercise.

What a long day...still dealing with various aspects of my grandmother's diagnosis. We have yet to get any hard cold facts-they are not in any hurry to get a biopsy scheduled, which leads us to think they know it's late stages, but even so would you not want to make her as comfortable as possible for as long as she has left? She is in pain and I am helpless, we're all helpless.
I woke up this morning with renewed purpose and determination to stop screwing around with my health, and yet I still did not eat as cleanly as I would have liked and did no exercise. Sigh. Maybe tomorrow? Each day seems to be derailed by one thing and then I think, "Well I might as well eat this, drink that, have a smoke-I'll restart tomorrow." BAH. That is not a winning attitude, that is the type of thinking that lands me gaining weight and/or maintaining.
I will forge ahead, I have to take control of something.

Bad Mood Blues.

I drank a monster drink and ate a small handful of white corn chips after writing my post about eating so cleanly, go me, etc.
Ah well. PMS , she is a bitch.
Also fighting myself about a workout today, where's the easy button?

Victories so far on Common Sense Plan:

• I resisted the urge to weigh myself even though it has only been two days. Weighing constantly and shooting up and down in mood because of it is NOT common sense. It is crazy, and afflicts many people including myself. We all know it is bad to feel negatively towards yourself because of a number changing by half a pound, etc. but I think it is detrimental to feel GOOD because of the same thing too. I'm trying to focus more on feeling good that I ate only nutritious foods, or I exercised and blessed my heart and lungs. It is very hard to think this way personally, that angle has always been part of this whole weight loss/fitness thing, but I'm an honest person and vanity has taken precendence. Vanity and pride, not really good things to make friends with on a daily basis for years. Pride comes into play because I always try to be the best at any thing I do, even though I sort of hate that quality sometimes, and I especially wanted to prove I could lose the weight after having our son.
• I HAVE eaten only nutritious whole foods, no diet drinks or goldfish crackers, Halloween candy, or tortilla chips. I am very proud of this because I had definitely slipped up as far as that is concerned. I think I had landed in crappy food land due to focusing so much on points/calories and dropping scale weight. It is not impossible to do that and stay true to what is actually good for your body, but it is hard for me.
• I have gotten in two really good workouts so far and am feeling like I can get back in a groove. Treading lightly is the name of the game at this point so I don't stress out and drop it altogether again. Any movement is good for me, and I am striving to really believe that-it is working I think. Yesterday was an hr of power yoga (I am so SORE today) and today was 20 min of elliptical training at a speed that kept my heart rate at target or a bit over the whole time. 4.5 miles.

• Some of my friends have secretly planned a girlie night this Friday, partially to cheer me up about my grandma's health situation. I requested that we make something healthy for me to eat and also piped up and stated my no alcohol/smoking policy. I always feel like a huge tool when I say anything to my friends/family in that area, but it needed to be said and I'm glad that I did. Why should I feel apologetic and lousy that I am trying to be the best me possibly?

So anyway, good things are happening, I am super tired as usual and think I may go have a lie down for a bit before my little buddy wakes up and needs some Mama time before I leave for school. Here's hoping for a tiny nap.

I've hit upon a "plan" of sorts that I am ready for, I would even say craving, after the last few weeks of sloth and unhealthy eating. Weighed in this morning and am up to 148.5, I was hanging around 145.5 so as I said, no big damage done there but my MENTAL state is damanged and crying out for help.
I'm going whole hog, cutting out alcohol, smoking, desserts, extraneous carbs like chips and goldfish crackers, green tea with artificial sweeteners, frozen dinners, CRAP FOOD, etc. etc. forever and ever Amen. Okay maybe just until Christmas, but the point is no empty nutrition, watching portion sizes, and I am excited. Leniancy and "relaxation" has morphed into acting like I have forgotten all I've learned about eating not only for weight loss, but for life.

My grandmother has cancer and it has scared me in the biggest baddest way possible. I am living for a lifetime again, not just the moment.

I plan on easing back into exercise by going back to yoga. I felt the best when I was just doing that three times a week and once you find what works for you, it makes no sense to stop. That's the plan-go back to what makes sense.

We found out my most beloved relative, my grandmother, has late stages breast cancer that has more than likely mestasized into her bones. Eating is rubbish, no exercise for weeks. I feel that I'm on the verge of coming to my senses, but for now I'm walking around in a fog and my brain feels dusty. I can't be bothered with doing anything good for myself, though I make progress each day in returning to my former habits, habits that I have held for YEARS now that seem to have disappeared overnight. So far I haven't gained more than 3-5 lbs, depending on what day it is, so I remain physically unscathed, but mentally wounded. Boo.

Well my own comments window is not expanding in order for me to reply to comments, so I'll have to write here instead. Potatoes, po-tat-oes, right?
Savy, I appreciate the comment, it helps immensely when someone takes the time to stop and say a word or two, especially when I admire that person's dedication and perseverance. I think you know very well what it feels like to put a lot of effort in towards something and to feel frustrated with bouncing around in the same little range of numbers. I am going to continue on and just try and do better, I don't think I can really ask anything else of myself. Eating well and getting regular exercise have become who I am over the last few years, so quitting isn't an option, I just need to come up with a game plan to drop these last ten pounds.
What I don't have is a good consistent exercise routine. The only time I've done something consistently was when I was doing power yoga for a little over an hr three times a week. I would walk occasionally but I put no other pressure on myself other than to complete those workouts, which were not easy, but also provided me with a stress relief that I haven't experienced otherwise. I'm not sure what to do at this point, even though during my extreme yoga stint I maintained and even developed plenty of nice visible muscle, I could not shake the feeling that not doing interval cardio and lifting free weights was not okay. Now we have nice equipment out in the garage for the first time ever and I would feel weird not using it. I think I have to work out some type of hybrid...hmm.
Anyway, current plan is to mainly focus on getting an exercise routine down and not to hyper focus on nutrition at this point, though not to let it slide much either. Night school is sapping my will to live, but there's only 6 wks left. I can do this.
I wanted to write a more cohesive, in depth post than this scattered hodge podge but our 15 month old is not allowing that this morning.

Where to start? I'm a mess.
I had full intention of behaving myself while in Tulsa, which is extremely hard for me to do because my lovely MIL (that is not sarcasm) always has delicious food and wine. If we are not eating the delicious food she provides at their house, we are going out to eat at great restaurants. Cry me a river I know, but this does not bode well for weight loss efforts. She mentioned in an email that we would have spaghetti for dinner Friday night with some of the family and I asked if it could be made with lean beef and she said yes that is all she uses. So far so good right? Well, I made the salad and it was awesome but of course I forgot to ask about dressing and there was this greek vinagrette stuff that was very tasty but of course full fat. Strike one. Then I have spaghetti and a very reasonable portion, go me right? Wrong-three big pieces of melted cheese/garlicy butter bread and 2 or 3 cookies later, I felt sick I had eaten so much and THEN I had three glasses of wine. Okay regroup and do a better job tomorrow I thought. Got up, had F1ber one cereal and coffee, then went for a fast paced 45 minute walk through their hilly neighborhood. Score! Fixed brunch which was turkey bacon, toast, and eggs. I skipped the eggs she made with milk and TONS of butter, full fat cheese, and ham and made myself an egg white/toast sandwich which was also a good choice, and then proceeded to eat maybe 6 or 7 pieces of the turkey bacon. WTF? I already knew dinner would not be a good choice and really there was nothing to do about it since we were going to a tailgate held by family members before homecoming game. There I had a shot of jaeger, two beers, and two bowls of frito chili pie with huge amounts of cheese. So much for that day. Sunday: no breakfast and then a huge burrito thing with fried potatoes for brunch, and then I ordered "greek pasta" at the pizza place on the way home, trying to do something good, and it comes out so covered up in olive oil that it looks like soup. I barely eat any of it and then one piece of small sausage pizza and feel gross the rest of the night. I'm not really trying to give a blow by blow of my food intake but I'm just saying it has been like that for me for awhile. Up, down, up down, and then Monday night I ate so much I literally started throwing up a little. That is some scary stuff, stuffing yourself to that point. I sat there feeling miserable knowing that my husband was about to come home with the chai tea (nonfat! who am I kidding) and big ass chocolate chip cookie from St@rbucks. Yes I ate that too.
Two workouts this week with a little extra cardio on my weights day to try and make some ground up-I'm at limbo yet again and am wondering if I should just try and maintain since that's what I'm doing anyway. I'm three sizes smaller than when I started last year and that may just have to be good enough until I get that burst of motivation that I always do...eventually.
It seems a lot of bloggers are faltering or feeling frustrated and I miss everyone's posts so I thought maybe I should put a post out there and hopefully get some to read in return, ha! Blogging kharma or something, yeah.