Shove Off Bodybugg (just kidding) 158.6 (-1.6)

Down a pound today (finally) but since that was over the last two weeks the little picture of the guy on the bodybugg program was sort of scolding me. What they don't know is I was back up to almost 162 Tuesday after I went nuts Monday night with tex mex. So being down to 158.6 is pretty major if I do say so myself.
I usually don't list numbers here for fear of being judged one way or another. I think I need to put it out there and talk more about where I have been and where I came from instead of being so vague. I'll start that later. haha! Oh man, I kill me. I think if you counted up the pounds I have lost and gained, lost and gained over the years it would be an absolutely ridiculous number. Not to mention the eating disordered thinking I've taken on when I started dieting back in...hm, 2002 maybe? That wasn't the first time I went on a diet but that was sort of what started the snowball rolling and then after joining WW I learned so many bad things...when we talk about ED in class I am silently saying to myself, "yep that is me, that is me, I do that, what if everyone knew that?" Scary stuff, but since I am not terribly thin I don't think anyone realizes what goes on upstairs. I am aware and I am changing my thought patterns and behaviors and I can do this. We all have choices every day, I loved the post "Split Second" by Lyn at Escape from Obesity (reading her archives now, that is also something I do when I find a blog I like, so be aware I've prob read everything you've written.) I will link to it if I can go back and find it. ETA: Vickie, who totally rocks and you should read, found the link for me and so ta da!
Blogland inspires me so much, I will be mentioning people every day if I can that I think rock, there is almost a never ending supply of inspiring kick ass people out there.
Family calls, I'll just have to come back here later.

My workout today will not break any records but I enjoyed it and I truly did it just because I wanted to, not to lose weight which is huge in my mind. I cannot express enough how wonderful I feel to be free of my disordered thinking. I've known for several years now that I had gone beyond innocently starting a diet but it has taken me a long time to admit it, and I still haven't said anything to anyone in person. I'm not sure if I will or when I will and part of that is because I think they would tell me, "You don't have an eating disorder" blah blah and that would drive me insane. Just because I haven't revealed half the shit that goes through my head and the things I do does not mean it is okay to try and make your SELF feel better about having a sick daughter/wife/friend/sister etc. I am getting better and I will continue to but I don't need anyone backing me in to a corner making me feel like I have to make a case for why I strongly feel that I went past diet, did not collect $200 and got myself a damned eating disorder. I don't want to classify things or defend things here either but trust me, reading detailed information about binge eating disorder, bullemia where the form of purging is restriction, and other things like EDNOS are me to a T for the most part. They didn't use to be, before I started WW I didn't do any of the sad, twisted up punishing things or have the negative thoughts about myself. I remember in high school filling out one of those surveys about self esteem and actually having to make up something I didn't like about myself just so I wouldn't be the well adjusted misfit. How funny in a completely non humorous way.
I have been able to drop 99% of the behaviors and thinking so far, I'm afraid it will try and come back but I'm going to fight it off no matter what. I keep telling myself I can eat anything I want and how much I want and it is working because I actually mean it this time. No fear of being fat, no pinching my flesh constantly, no daily weighing, no constant mirror checks, no feeling inferior in a group of skinnier women...I'm tired and I can't even think straight.
I am so happy that I am accepting myself and getting back to being me.
The elliptical started squeaking at 10 minutes this time, I battled it out until about 23 minutes stopping and starting a few times to try and spray WD40 on any joint I could find which did not help. It is driving me batty that I WANT to do cardio for the first time in my life, that I am finding it fun and the durn machine is going haywire. I also did lower body weights and instead of trying to kill the bottom half of my body to burn more calories and build muscle to burn more calories etc. I just did what I wanted to do and it was so freeing. I finished up with dancing.

Thanks for the well wishes and concern, I was not sure when I would be myself again but I think I am roughly back to being OK. I did just eat a goat cheese and fig leftover pizza for breakfast but that was my choice and then when I walked over to start coffee making I looked at the last few muffins I had baked that I've been gorging on and was able to say, "No, I'm full." See, that was the missing element lately, I would tell myself I was full and then eat it anyway followed by multiple other items. It definitely felt compulsive and unstoppable.
I got a cold or something that manifested Thursday and kept me home from my you-should-never-miss school program. I am thinking my weirdness that would not stop was partially related to that along with my sadness over my son leaving and just the insane amount of stress I am usually under. I cannot wait to graduate and be done with this bullshit already! Sick of school. Is that obvious?
I guess that bothers me too, I have always liked school ever since I went back of my own volition and wasn't forced there like high school and below. I am intelligent, I enjoy learning, and science fascinates me-yet I think I just hit the nail on the head about why I sort of hate it now. I feel like I am being forced to be there a lot when I am completely disinterested and I am disappointed in the program itself. This has caused me to waiver in my desire to be a dietitian but that is gone and I once again strongly feel that my job is going to be awesome. I think I'll focus on contract work in the field of Gerentology-older folks are ignored way too often and I like them. There are more reasons but that is partially why I am leaning that direction.
M@rla, if shoulder presses consists of using a dumbbell and basically doing an overhead press but with one arm at a time, I do that now. If that is not it I am always open to new ways to work out. I love doing those because it also strongly uses my obliques and doesn't tweak my shoulder joint that using a barbell can easily do. Also, despite feeling really cool, doing the clean and jerk even with light weight and doing my damnedest to have great form aggravates the sphenoid process of one of my thoracic vertebrae and actually makes the bone sore I am also thinking that can't be good, and if I take the weight down enough to not do that it's not a worthwhile exercise for the rest of my body. I'm sure I'll try again, maybe get stronger first-not sure.
I hate that I go in cycles-where this seems easy and awesome and fun and I start looking really cut, even to my critical eyes, and then I slip back into depressed followed by fluffy and start again. I will give myself credit though-this time I mostly still did my workouts which usually fall to the wayside as well.

It's been great to hear from everyone.

I've tried to think of what I've been doing that is working so well for me and while I've been mulling that over I've launched into one of the most destructive phases of my life. Eating until extremely ill for days with no sanity in sight. Constantly telling myself to stop hurting myself, that I don't need/want to eat "you name it" and yet in it goes and I haven't been able to listen to the pleading or berating in my head.
This stops now. I'm going to study a bit, plan and pack clean food for all day tomorrow, and in the morning I am getting up early and completing a yoga session.
Damnit, I can't go on like this, I want to get back to the amazing way I've been feeling and I have to figure out how to conquer the self sabotage. I admitted I was doing something that worked and then it went downhill in a hurry.
I should also mention our son is about to go visit out of state grandparents for five days and I am depressed about this. Yes I know it's five days but we are usually attached at the hip and I love every minute of it.
I'll return when I have something worth reading to talk about-like as in tomorrow.

Thanks Kada! I am very happy about my new friend.

And now, I bemoan my eating habits, or urges may be a better term. It is raining buckets outside, thunder and lightening the whole deal and I want comfort food. The problem is, I'm not sure what is comforting anymore. At one point I would have said pizza or fast food or something heinous like a plate of tater tots with chili and cheese all over them or ramen noodles with a hunk of cheese. Now? No thank you, and yet a salad doesn't exactly scream comfort. Maybe that is all in my head because I was thinking of having a salad on the way home from picking our son up a minute ago. I bought some vegetarian chili yesterday too, maybe I'll have that. Would be better with tater tots though, heh.

No gym today, I also stayed home from school and did next to nothing besides starting the new Harry Potter book. I'm about 200 pages in, didn't crack it open until later in the day, but of course it is good and I want to be reading it right now. That's not exactly good parenting though, and neither is typing this while my little one needs attention.

Bye for now.

Yesterday mornings planned yoga can be checked off, at least 40 out of 60 minutes can. After completing the actually workout part (mostly) I just laid face down on the carpet so I realized I needed to stop. I have never had to quit early during yoga except when I was sick once and it was a miracle that I got even that far. I am sick of this medication that makes me feel like a weakling. Today is cardio and I am not looking forward to my heart rate shooting up over and over and I will be calling my doctor today to see what the heck else I can do because I want OFF this med, as in NOW.
So my upper back is sore today because I focused a lot on form during my yoga session and it is a great back workout with all of the negative pushups, upward dog, and even the sun salutation sequence in the beginning if you keep your movements sharp and think about keeping your shoulders down and away from your ears. I thought about where I can fit in a TT workout (tubu1ence training) like M@rla has been doing but I wonder if it would kick my ass too much to use just as a cardio workout. I won't know until I try it right?
I started on an eating rampage last night, after studying or I should say TRYING to study organic chem for an exam tomorrow morning, and having to stop constantly to police the little one and not understanding the problems right off the bat over and over...I started eating without being hungry. I fixed a half a natural peanut butter/simply fruit jam sandwich which more than made me full and was fine, and then I started scarfing handfuls of walnuts, cranberries, not sure what else at the pantry. In walks the Husband and he heats up some rice pilaf and turkey tenderloin for his and our son's dinners and I get a spoon and stand there and start eating rice...yes all of this was not unhealthy foods but it was too much and it was sort of a frenzied behavior and I was mentally sniffing out what was next when I sort of shook myself and went and brushed my teeth. I felt like crying, the comfort I was trying to find was not there and it left me feeling defeated. I had a late hair appt at 7:30 so that saved me and got me out of the house but I didn't want to go, I was so tired and felt haggard and ashamed of myself.
I'm okay today and my hair is bitchin'. HA! I crack myself up.

Last night I drank too much and went out to eat even though we had food already cooked here at home. Good choices? No. The day went poorly, rainy and cold with a dash of depression over my grandma. Maybe I need to fall back on counting my food when I have a day like that because my good choice maker seems to be broken at those times. I don't know, we'll see.
My planned workout for today is not happening because I feel so bad from the beer and subsequent broken sleep. It probably wasn't a good idea to schedule anything the day after a lifting day, I woke up with my upper body in serious DOMS, it's usually my lower body that is sore but apparently I finally hit my upper as hard as I should and my limited abilities to really lift heavy here at home without a spotter didn't do enoughfor my lower.
I think I will start going back to the gym once or twice a week so I can really push to lift as heavy as I need to see progress.
I've progressed to doing my push-ups off the weight bench instead of the higher trailer. I think I mentioned I can do them on the floor now but not many and not with good form so I think I'll continue on the weight bench until that becomes too easy and then we'll see what I find next or if I go straight to the floor. I don't think my pecs have ever been this sore.
Today should be interesting, mild hangover while taking care of our child and then going to a three yr old's birthday party, by myself with no help from the Husband who is off duck hunting for the weekend.

I happened to click on one of the top points leaders on sparkpeople and read that she enters all her exercise in ahead of time for the week. Seems like an insignificant thing right? Well I decided to try it myself as it connected for me that several of the most successful people I've read do just that, even if it's not in spark. Two of my preplanned workouts have already been checked off and I am feeling very optimistic and confident that I can keep up with things and be so much happier.
Many times have I said to myself and others that I won't count pts or calories anymore, and then I go back to it. It's scary, it means letting go some and actually trusting myself to make good nutritional decisions. How am I ever going to be a good nutritionist for others if I can't do this myself, for myself? It feels wonderful so far: I am following a BFL/GI Diet way of eating but that is purely because I think it's the best "no counting" way of eating for good health/fitness. Don't get me wrong, I still want to get in even better shape but I am also working on accepting myself as I am now. Negative self talk has really crept in over the past 4-5 yrs of dieting. I am done with dieting, it has turned me into this stress monkey control freak that is perpetually unhappy with my body. I always had a good attitude about myself before, regardless of size or shape and I want that thinking back. It's a chain reaction: I stress about food, I snap at my loved ones (which affects my marriage and friendships), I'm never happy with anything (or anyone), and no matter how far I go it's not enough. Well, I AM good enough and it's time to put up or shut up.
Yesterday we walked so long that my feet finally hurt and my legs were tired-the DMA has a Van Gogh exhibit which ends today and we tried to visit that but the line was 2 hrs long and with a baby that does not compute. So we walked through downtown Dallas over to the World Aquarium, which has been redone and is even better now, and then went back to the car and drove to Cuba Libre for dinner. It's Cuban/S. American food and delicious. They make frozen mojitos and excellent jerked steak tacos, and we tried dungenouss crab flautas for appetizers. Wow, and I enjoyed it guilt free, along with a few Coronas with lime at home and an ill advised Cosmo. Don't worry, hubby hardly drank at all, we don't believe in being smashed at the same time with our baby in the house, some of our friends do that and it worries me. Anyway, I drank lots of water and took some Alleve and slept a good 10-11 hrs. Full body workout accomplished when the baby took his nap and I am still shaky and feel wonderful. A combination of static contractions and negative reps really took care of business.
This is all over the place and not well written but I'm afraid this loud ass keyboard is going to wake the Boy. Hopefully I'll be able to explain this better to myself and to anyone that may pass by-ACK, I knew this keyboard was too loud.

Last night went downhill in a hurry, in fact the sled must have been greased up with Crisco it went so quickly. I ate waaay too much after doing pretty well all day and ended up sitting on the couch feeling sorry for myself. Sparkpeople, my new best friend, says I can eat in the 1375-1700 calorie range, well according to my calculations I ate 1685, but you know that no matter how much you try your count can be off and I'm not going to get that crazy anyway. Back up the pound I had lost from that excrutiatingly hard day. I like to weigh daily so I feel like I'm in control, which may sound horrible to a lot of people but it's how my mind works. My mother says it's not our fault that we're bossy and controlling, we come from a long line of teachers. I am choosing to adopt that theory. So, I realize that weight is not real, but the longer I dither about with getting rid of the holiday pounds, the more real they become. Ever notice that? If you gain some weight that you KNOW is just bloating/water weight and immediately bust ass to get rid of it, it's not that hard...but if you let it hang around and then bounce up and down it becomes real poundage and takes forever. At least that's the way it is for me.
I had a real whingefest last night. Why can't I just be naturally thin? Most of the thin women I know/meet do confess to not doing much to get or stay that way and it flat out pisses me off. I am not fat at this point, I realize this, but it makes me angry that I have to work really hard to have a decent body-not even a great one like I want.
That type of thinking is counter productive and I know it, like I said it was a major pity party for one. I'm past that and determined to kick some ass again. That means grocery shopping as soon as I'm showered and dressed. Yes I blew it off last night and now have to drag the schweet babie out into the cold and wet to go this morning, but he likes to go on outings and I don't forsee any others today.
So: grocery shopping, tracking what I eat but not worrying about calories in such detail, and either elliptical, yoga, or weight training. The elements of success are here and I know them well, just have to get in gear.
On an aside though: I have been exhausted upon waking every day for at least the past two weeks and today I feel recharged somewhat. Time to wear myself out!

ACK! I can't comment on my own darn blog, but LME thanks for the note and I looked up Fresh Direct but unfortunately it's only in the NYC area for now. Other companies also seem to only service areas like NYC and Chicago, at least none in DFW that I have found yet.
I roasted a pan of frozen green beans and have eaten almost the whole thing. I decided to see how that might taste as every other veggie I've tried that way has been great-green beans are no exception. They get really dried out but I'm not into squishy veggies anyway. I have to find more ways that I can enjoy veggie besides raw and roasted-I pretty much hate steamed unless it's edamame.
The tree has come down, been thrown in its box, and all the other decorations put away. This season has probably been THE most stressful I've had in years and I was so close to feeling the "magic" again like I did years ago as a kid. All of the obligations and "must do" type things squased it for me though-hanging with the in-laws does that to me. They are super wonderful people, caring, generous, good intentioned, and yet there is so much pressure when you're around them. Not to mention I have yet to actually stick with healthy habits during extended visits. I did workout twice this time but that really wasn't enough. I should have been doing that every day and not drinking wine every night and eating all the munchies and general crap I always end up consuming with them. ANYway, roasted about 3 cups of green beans and ate about 2 of that...geez. Overeater much? Hopefully I can get the grocery shopping done once my husband gets home but I may blow it off again, 'cause that's productive right? I have to go, not having the right options at home makes me eat poorly and I know this.
Things I have read recently: High Intensity Trainig-Arthur Jones method and GI Diet-Glycemic Index Diet. I ought to write a post about those, hmm?

Swimming through molasses-best description I can think of at the moment, and remember I have syrup coating my brain. I didn't fall face first into the sweets, at least not as badly as I could have-there did happen to be quite a few white chocolate peppermint incidents but I've moved past that.
Yesterday was my first official "good" day in the past week, and it felt horribly difficult. My appetite rampages out of control and the fuck it attitude reigns supreme. Or at least it did, but today feels relatively easy-amazing how that first day tends to be the hardest. We need to visit the grocery something awful, but I feel so terribly exhausted that making the list and lugging the Boy around just sounds toooo haaaaard. Meh, I'll suck it up and do my adult responsible things 'cause that's the way the world works.
Got my Pol@r heart rate monitor/watch and it's really inspired me. I have all the tools, just gotta shake off the quicksand. Happy New Year! I wish I had that fresh start feeling, continuing the same thing after 3-4 years just feels old, not exciting.

I was making so much progress, Sunday night I got so many comments about how much I had changed/improved physically and then I proceeded to eat like total crap since then. Sigh. Back to basics.

Exhausted today, back aching and eyes heavy-I should be engaging in my yoga practice right this minute as the baby sleeps and yet I feel too hungry to do so. Have I gotten off my ass and actually made something to eat? No. Last night marked the last final of this semester and so I am actually free today, but I know it will take awhile for it to sink in and the stress to melt away a bit. I had to ask my husband to roll blue star emu crap on my back last night it hurt so much, and then on the way to the grocery this morning it hurt badly in the car. The thing that passes as interesting here, is this is all from studying, and I know that yoga would HELP, but that may have to wait until later. I am not falling off the horse, just trying to get sorted.
Sparkpeople rocks! Or at least so far it looks amazing, yet I feel too mentally fatigued to play with it much at this point. I am excited at the prospect of maybe finding some people to bike/walk with in the DFW area, I have a great bicycle that I have hardly used because it is really not safe to go alone around here, though I have done so a few times (nervous the whole time that something would happen). Maybe I just need a pistol holster mounted somewhere, ha! Then I would fall down and shoot myself and no one would find my deserted body before the rabid squirrels got to me.
Back to 146 this morning, started the week at 149.5, so obviously this consists of water weight, or maybe these same pounds that keep ponging around come off easier? When it gets to 145-145.5 I know it will stick for awhile, maybe go down a pound, and then that happens to be the number that I self sabatage ever single time. I've lost nearly 30 lbs AGAIN, and yet this last 10-15 keeps digging in for the long haul. So annoying.
Reading about compulsive eating and trigger foods has really hit home for me, and I am no longer going to put myself in positions that are setup for failure. I don't know I throw myself in with things I KNOW I have a hard time limiting/experiencing wisely and then berating myself for this "weakness". What the hell? Do I like feeling badly? That's rhetorical but I'll answer anyway, "No!" I hate to restrict anyone around me but I told Hubby he may just have to eat pizza with other people and he didn't batt an eye and just said, "Okay." Boy, that was sooo hard, right? Ugh. Okay, pizza, specialty breads, casserole type dishes, chili, chips, goldfish, cookies (esp. cookies), and alcohol to name a few-just get.to.me. Enough is enough, maybe that will be fine for once a week during maintainence, but I am not where I want to be and behaving as though I am only gets me stuck here longer. Healthy habits, healthy lifestyle, and giving myself a break by not constantly going on this crazy for me only show of "Temptation Food Island."

Where to start? I'm a mess.
I had full intention of behaving myself while in Tulsa, which is extremely hard for me to do because my lovely MIL (that is not sarcasm) always has delicious food and wine. If we are not eating the delicious food she provides at their house, we are going out to eat at great restaurants. Cry me a river I know, but this does not bode well for weight loss efforts. She mentioned in an email that we would have spaghetti for dinner Friday night with some of the family and I asked if it could be made with lean beef and she said yes that is all she uses. So far so good right? Well, I made the salad and it was awesome but of course I forgot to ask about dressing and there was this greek vinagrette stuff that was very tasty but of course full fat. Strike one. Then I have spaghetti and a very reasonable portion, go me right? Wrong-three big pieces of melted cheese/garlicy butter bread and 2 or 3 cookies later, I felt sick I had eaten so much and THEN I had three glasses of wine. Okay regroup and do a better job tomorrow I thought. Got up, had F1ber one cereal and coffee, then went for a fast paced 45 minute walk through their hilly neighborhood. Score! Fixed brunch which was turkey bacon, toast, and eggs. I skipped the eggs she made with milk and TONS of butter, full fat cheese, and ham and made myself an egg white/toast sandwich which was also a good choice, and then proceeded to eat maybe 6 or 7 pieces of the turkey bacon. WTF? I already knew dinner would not be a good choice and really there was nothing to do about it since we were going to a tailgate held by family members before homecoming game. There I had a shot of jaeger, two beers, and two bowls of frito chili pie with huge amounts of cheese. So much for that day. Sunday: no breakfast and then a huge burrito thing with fried potatoes for brunch, and then I ordered "greek pasta" at the pizza place on the way home, trying to do something good, and it comes out so covered up in olive oil that it looks like soup. I barely eat any of it and then one piece of small sausage pizza and feel gross the rest of the night. I'm not really trying to give a blow by blow of my food intake but I'm just saying it has been like that for me for awhile. Up, down, up down, and then Monday night I ate so much I literally started throwing up a little. That is some scary stuff, stuffing yourself to that point. I sat there feeling miserable knowing that my husband was about to come home with the chai tea (nonfat! who am I kidding) and big ass chocolate chip cookie from St@rbucks. Yes I ate that too.
Two workouts this week with a little extra cardio on my weights day to try and make some ground up-I'm at limbo yet again and am wondering if I should just try and maintain since that's what I'm doing anyway. I'm three sizes smaller than when I started last year and that may just have to be good enough until I get that burst of motivation that I always do...eventually.
It seems a lot of bloggers are faltering or feeling frustrated and I miss everyone's posts so I thought maybe I should put a post out there and hopefully get some to read in return, ha! Blogging kharma or something, yeah.

So the doing well Saturday night thing? led me think I needed to go out to eat Sunday because if I do not feel like I really indulged, I will keep repeating the behavior until I get it right(wrong). It's twisted of me. Also, I have banned alcohol for awhile, maybe until Christmas when my MIL will force really great red wine on me. I still did not eat terribly badly yesterday, however I did eat this monsterous roll that was sort of glistening (prob with butter) and had melted baked cheese on top. It was so fluffy like a big puffball and I am a sucker for baked goods of that nature. Sweets? no. Fried stuff? no. Rolls and other forms of bread, esp. croissants? Hell yes. Fried foods and beer used to be my downfall but I've finally trained the food portion of that evil duo to be nastay on my palate. The beer had gotten out of hand again (not in amount but in frequency) so that shit is being nipped in the bud pronto. When I drink, even a little, I tend to feel like crap the whole next day as well and therefore not exercise.
Hardly any walking ended up happening and so while watching Amazing Race I convinced my lethargic brain to do my short pilates routine and then I did inversions and some hip flexor stretches. Our baby tried to do what I was doing, it was one of the cutest things I've ever seen. He would bend forward and put his head on the floor, just like mama, and he thought crawling quickly under me was way cool, like a bridge.