Shove Off Bodybugg (just kidding) 158.6 (-1.6)

Down a pound today (finally) but since that was over the last two weeks the little picture of the guy on the bodybugg program was sort of scolding me. What they don't know is I was back up to almost 162 Tuesday after I went nuts Monday night with tex mex. So being down to 158.6 is pretty major if I do say so myself.
I usually don't list numbers here for fear of being judged one way or another. I think I need to put it out there and talk more about where I have been and where I came from instead of being so vague. I'll start that later. haha! Oh man, I kill me. I think if you counted up the pounds I have lost and gained, lost and gained over the years it would be an absolutely ridiculous number. Not to mention the eating disordered thinking I've taken on when I started dieting back in...hm, 2002 maybe? That wasn't the first time I went on a diet but that was sort of what started the snowball rolling and then after joining WW I learned so many bad things...when we talk about ED in class I am silently saying to myself, "yep that is me, that is me, I do that, what if everyone knew that?" Scary stuff, but since I am not terribly thin I don't think anyone realizes what goes on upstairs. I am aware and I am changing my thought patterns and behaviors and I can do this. We all have choices every day, I loved the post "Split Second" by Lyn at Escape from Obesity (reading her archives now, that is also something I do when I find a blog I like, so be aware I've prob read everything you've written.) I will link to it if I can go back and find it. ETA: Vickie, who totally rocks and you should read, found the link for me and so ta da!
Blogland inspires me so much, I will be mentioning people every day if I can that I think rock, there is almost a never ending supply of inspiring kick ass people out there.
Family calls, I'll just have to come back here later.

Wow, today went from bad to worse and now that I am sitting here really sick to my stomach and feeling low I am putting an end to it. I did not work out, the thought of it literally made me want to cry so I passed. Instead I proceeded to eat myself sick for the last several hours, including homemade cookies (something I have never even made before). It is time to "fake it till I make it" and that means using outside resources until I can trust myself again to stop being so destructive. I have set up a workout schedule in Sparkpeople and I will be counting my food until I feel I can stop without hurting myself, which is basically what I have done the last two days. This is so disappointing, I've been on auto pilot with food and exercise for a while and it has seemed almost effortless. This too shall pass.

I happened to click on one of the top points leaders on sparkpeople and read that she enters all her exercise in ahead of time for the week. Seems like an insignificant thing right? Well I decided to try it myself as it connected for me that several of the most successful people I've read do just that, even if it's not in spark. Two of my preplanned workouts have already been checked off and I am feeling very optimistic and confident that I can keep up with things and be so much happier.
Many times have I said to myself and others that I won't count pts or calories anymore, and then I go back to it. It's scary, it means letting go some and actually trusting myself to make good nutritional decisions. How am I ever going to be a good nutritionist for others if I can't do this myself, for myself? It feels wonderful so far: I am following a BFL/GI Diet way of eating but that is purely because I think it's the best "no counting" way of eating for good health/fitness. Don't get me wrong, I still want to get in even better shape but I am also working on accepting myself as I am now. Negative self talk has really crept in over the past 4-5 yrs of dieting. I am done with dieting, it has turned me into this stress monkey control freak that is perpetually unhappy with my body. I always had a good attitude about myself before, regardless of size or shape and I want that thinking back. It's a chain reaction: I stress about food, I snap at my loved ones (which affects my marriage and friendships), I'm never happy with anything (or anyone), and no matter how far I go it's not enough. Well, I AM good enough and it's time to put up or shut up.
Yesterday we walked so long that my feet finally hurt and my legs were tired-the DMA has a Van Gogh exhibit which ends today and we tried to visit that but the line was 2 hrs long and with a baby that does not compute. So we walked through downtown Dallas over to the World Aquarium, which has been redone and is even better now, and then went back to the car and drove to Cuba Libre for dinner. It's Cuban/S. American food and delicious. They make frozen mojitos and excellent jerked steak tacos, and we tried dungenouss crab flautas for appetizers. Wow, and I enjoyed it guilt free, along with a few Coronas with lime at home and an ill advised Cosmo. Don't worry, hubby hardly drank at all, we don't believe in being smashed at the same time with our baby in the house, some of our friends do that and it worries me. Anyway, I drank lots of water and took some Alleve and slept a good 10-11 hrs. Full body workout accomplished when the baby took his nap and I am still shaky and feel wonderful. A combination of static contractions and negative reps really took care of business.
This is all over the place and not well written but I'm afraid this loud ass keyboard is going to wake the Boy. Hopefully I'll be able to explain this better to myself and to anyone that may pass by-ACK, I knew this keyboard was too loud.