I just polished off a grilled stuft beef burrito and a cheese quesadilla from Taco Bell with a pepsi. It has been YEARS since I drank Pepsi and probably around a year at least since I had the Bell. I won't lie-it was very tasty, and now I am ready to move on from eating crap to make myself feel better this go 'round.
This has been a very frustrating weekend for me. I have been low physically, and as a result mentally. I missed out on a night with my friends that I have not seen for months and have missed workouts that I would have enjoyed, and the whole time I feel guilty for not feeling well. I see it as a personal failing even though that is completely irrational.
In my dreams last night a severely overweight woman asked me over and over to tell her how great my life is now that I've lost the extra weight again and I exercise and eat healthfully as a rule, not as a challenge. I tried to think of things to tell her and all I could come up with was I can squeeze through tight spaces like between cars easily and I can wear cute clothing (which is actually somewhat of a negative too because I want new clothes all the time whereas my old wardrobe lasted years and years and I didn't really pay attention to it.) Basically I am feeling crappy that I make a lot of effort the average person doesn't and yet I still feel poorly quite often and there is always something wrong with me. It doesn't recommend it too much sub-conciously I guess.
I live this way now though because it IS the best thing for myself and I have more of a chance at feeling good doing these things than I did without-I didn't feel good then either and at least now my behaviors can build me up rather than tear me down.
I hereby vow to take care of myself to the best of my abilities, including mental care.
I think I'm finally on the mend, tomorrow I hit our garage gym for lower body and cardio and then a bike ride or a walk to round it out. We bought a rack for my weight plates, I got new lifting gloves since I lost mine, and it is all organized and put back together again. And now I will go and take a "power nap" hopefully so I can get up and kick my school works' collective ass.

Yesterday I tried to go to my old gym and workout after class ended a bit early and circled around and around only to see people parking on the grass illegally and I got mad and left. Thwarted! Rats!
Got home and felt crummy so it might have been for the best that I was unable to go hit the gym but it sure did piss me off. That's OK, I got in a workout today in between classes, it was a tight fit schedule wise but I have to make this happen or I will go crazy without it. Did my 30 min routine I mentioned before, ten minutes on three diff machines and I had a friend from class working out with me so that was very cool. Both our iPods died! And then another girl in biochem had hers die today too. Weird, maybe they were in a cult and drank the Kool-aid today.
UGH, the choc flavored myoplex light shakes are pretty tasty but I just cracked open a french vanilla and it is grodey. I prefer them half frozen anyway, for some reason it also sends satiety better for me in addition to tasting better.
The huge amount of puffiness I had put on, making me go up about a size in fact, seems to have mainly left the building. Barring today of course! I went to put my jeans on and it would have been ridiculous to even button them so I wore some others that usually sag and look weird shortly after donning them, and yet I am reluctant to get rid of them. I got them at Ann Taylor and really like them when I first pull them on, bah. Sometimes sales racks bite you on the ass. Well they fit today with all the extra puff I had going on, and then got really huge in the afternoon along with the top I wore. Very weird, it's like I deflated after working out and I stayed hydrated so don't spank me!
Tracking food is benefiting me in class as we are learning the exchange system and are expected to also learn portion sizes, etc. I already know this crap from being an old hand at weight loss, ha! Who would have thought the stuff most of us bloggers talk about on a daily basis would be what I am about to take an exam over...at least to a pretty large extent. I used to joke that I could eyeball the calorie count of a plate of food at 100 paces. I probably could, and now that will aide me. I'll take anything I can get since I have multiple tests all at once and biochem is a complete fucking mystery to me. The concepts are not, but the nitty gritties are, and it doesn't help to have a very knowledgeable teacher that also has no desire to "dumb it down" for the rest of us common folk.
M@rla, you better keep checking in, no telling when I decide to resurface off and on, haha! PS Person to person: Congrats on kicking the measurement pants' ass!

Just made my grocery list out and that is about the most exciting thing I have planned for the day. I desperately need to work on school related things but that is going to be difficult, I've wasted Toddler Naptime showering and making out said list and I'm afraid he'll awake before I get anything else done. The house is a wreck as per usual lately and it makes me feel crazy and yet I have no energy to clean it really. I am making headway cleaning here and there and will get some more done today but what I really want is a magic fairy to come down and get me all set up with a clean work space and lots of office supplies. I'll let you know when that happens.
I'm working towards a streak of eating 5-6 mini meals again BFL style and recording my food in sparkpeople again. It's all well and good to have tantrums that last for 6 months at a time in which I decide it's not faaaaaaiiiirrr to have to record what I eat etc. and I am able to see progress without doing so, however it is not consistent and it disappears. I am now taking off weight I put on in the last few weeks and it is irritating to have to regain ground you already fought and planted a flag upon. I am so extremely busy that it is not that hard to not overeat as opposed to when I have access to the fridge all day and then want to go out to eat all weekend to relieve the boredom or monotony. None of that going on now, I am busier than I think I ever have been and am constantly learning and on the go.
I seem to have lost a great deal of my muscle, and it is pissing me off yet I am on Singe Mama duty today (Husband is playing softball all weekend, national tournament) and I can't go to the gym like I had looked forward to all week. My weight bench is on the back patio and the barbell, weight plates, and dumb bells are all in the attic. Great place for them right? We redid our garage on my "vacation" (bahahaha, snort-worked my ass off, I did)and my husband decided that is where they would go when cleaning out the garage during prep time. Thanks honey! yes I could get them down but by the time I did that the Boy would be awake and I won't be able to use them. I'm going to figure SOMETHING out damnit, hate feeling flabby. To top it off had to get measured in class this week and I am in the worst shape in a long time. I went on a crazy eating spree for the weeks preceding starting my program, not sure why I did that but it was not smart. Ah well, onward! I've learned lots of nifty things about determining energy needs, maybe I'll share once I stop feeling overwhelmed.

Monster truck picture for M@rla.
Monday I was too tired/hungover/still extremely sore to do a workout plus it was my baby's birthday, but Tuesday I was back in the gym. I did thirty minutes of cardio again, ten min bike, ten min incline walking on treadmill, and ten minutes on the bouncy elliptical. The incline walking can get my heart rate up too high quite easily so I say poo to the idea that walking doesn't do "enough". If you're strolling along at your local outlet mall then I would agree but if you are hauling ass or going up and down hills, it counts damnit.
Wednesday I did the same thing.
Thursday? Thursday I got rear ended while sitting at a yield sign and I've been dealing with the fall out from that ever since. I've thought myself better though and have only slight soreness despite the initial pain and discomfort. The hitter (me being the hittee) was a stand up guy who had insurance and every thing is just about over, just have to drop my car off at the body shop tomorrow and once that is done I can get on with things. I'm already thinking of what I can do at the gym tomorrow, this inactivity sucks but I remain positive. It's amazing what your mind can do for you, now I think I know why they say weight loss is mainly in your head. I've eaten meals lately that should have bloated me up but I tell myself how nice it is to be this size and to be healthy and I'm aware that I sound like a kook but I am not gaining even though I would have before. *Cue the twilight zone music

Still sick. Gave in and went to the doctor, it is viral just like I thought and I feel like I wasted my time, but it got WORSE people. So I had to go. And it looks like I have something similar to what put my work aholic, never take a day off Dad in bed and made him lose his voice for a 3 weeks.
Great.
I'm getting weaker and flabbier and crabbier by the minute.

I am really sick-as in more sick than I can remember being in a long, long time. I pretty much lost yesterday if you don't count the idiocy I displayed by going LIGHT FIXTURE SHOPPING while really, really sick and then coming home and shaking under the covers for a long time because of pushing too hard. And we didn't even find anything we liked, which you know, was icing on the cake of poo day. I am missing working out so much it is really bugging me. I even briefly considered doing it anyway which would be even more stupid than my actions Sunday since my balance is really bad and I am drinking theraflu just to be able to sit up. So if I have correspondence with you or leave comments on your page and it doesn't make sense or seems "off" please know I am hopped up on teh(sic) drugs. As long as I am better in time for lifting day. Oh and we're donating our scale to Goodwill, neither one of us needs/wants it anymore.

Suppose an update is in order since the lovely life is grand blah blah train has left the station. I feel bloated and crappy and have not worked out since the prematurely ended cardio Saturday. Spent a lot of yesterday crying, feeling suicidal and laying on the carpet. I am NOT someone that ever has those thoughts even when the world seems its blackest but random thoughts about it would just pop in my head, very upsetting. Not something that would ever happen, my life rocks 99% of the time, but I think this nerve med is really jacking with my head. I have to drink M0nst3r or I am a zombie and I think it is starting to give me a UTI, but who the hell knows with my screwed up lady parts? Eh?
Wow what a bitter post, hee! Completely contrary to how most people would react to all of this I am looking forward to attempting some cardio when Husband gets home to stay with our son and tomorrow is lifting day. I will not be beaten, but I do have to say that it really sucks that every time I ALLOW myself to feel happy about my appearance or strength, my legs get knocked out from under me and I immediately get sick or bloated or you name it and I feel like a slug again, both in how I look and my energy level. I feel like I dare not breathe a word of pride about it or I am doomed. I also have the irrational thought that I can bust my ass and eat well and nothing will happen for me unlike other people. There is some validity to that thought since as I mentioned I have stayed in mid to high 20s bf percentages for several years now except for during/immediately post pregnancy. Consistency is the key I think, hell I don't know at this point. I am pretty damn consistent.
/end pity party

Gah! Had to oust that last pity party post but no time to write at the moment. I'm holding out that the Boy will take a nap and I can go fling metal around for oh, about 45 minutes.
If you like chocolate covered strawberries, get thee to a Dairy Queen, that's all I'll say about that. I don't even know if there ARE Dairy Queens outside of this area and maybe the surrounding states.
For the curious, no workouts since Saturday, BOO.

Cardio did not happen. In fact, getting up early did not happen-last night when I laid on the bed it was as if I couldn't move, my husband literally rolled me around to put the covers on. The wall was hit and it continued on this morning. Sleep took priority this morning and that is fine, I'll just make up the workout tomorrow on top of upper body weights or workout on free day. Despite my heaping servings of chock full of sodium spaghetti last night, I'm only up half a pound. Of course that makes me a pound and a half up from last week which sucks, I tried to hold it together while we were away. Ahh well, onward right?